She is 44 years old, and this has been going on since college years. She is the middle of our 3 children, and always responsible, no serious trouble growing up (unlike the other 2), except her antagonism towards us, especially me, the Mom. I've made the usual mistakes, but tried my best. Stay at home mom, cookie-baker, etc. Paid a lot of attention to the troublesome 2 (had to: bail money, therapy, etc.) but thought we let her know she was our prize child and we loved her. Ok, that is a problem, feeling "left out" can hurt, and we tried to explain how bad it is to have a child in trouble, and most parents start doing what can be done. To our credit, we gave up on the 2 when it was obvious that we were doing no good, which straightened them out pronto - they are now good, happy adults.
But we are all adults now, all doing OK, but she is impossible to be around. Pleasant enough when around her, usually, although she will go off and just walk out, no explanation, leaving everyone guessing as to what happened, and not speak to us for months: "If you have to ask why, then it would do no good to explain". is the answer when we ask. The few times she has come to visit us, everything is geared to what she wants to do, see, eat, visit, etc. I especially keep my mouth shut, smile a lot, keep the focus on her, what she is doing, thinking, reading, etc. Never does she ask me what I'm doing, and if anything comes up she says "yeah, I heard you did that" and moves on.
Well, she is in another snit,a big one, and the last one for me. Last year, we took a 3-month trip in our RV, decided in Kansas to head on home for a medical reason. Talked to her on the phone several times during the trip, things seemed OK and let friends and family know we were heading home and why.
Then, a family member unexpectedly died in the state she lives in, and we called to ask if we could stay with them during the funeral, etc. Her husband took the call, said she would call later. "What's Up?" was how she answered, told her about the death, her uncle, and could we stay. "So, you just call up here demanding to stay at our house! You couldn't be bothered to stop by while on the trip". Huh? Stop by: 1,000 miles, 12 hour drive. A side note: even when we lived close, we were invited to their house exactly ONE time in 20 years, when they were inviting everyone else in the family and couldn't get out of it, would look bad I guess, and we had not been invited this time, just told if we were in the state, stop by. Nothing firm or formal. She had been griping for months how busy she was with a new job, no time for anything, etc. so we didn't think we would be especially missed. Did let them know we were heading home and why.

Anyway, she hasn't spoken since after the screaming at us on the phone. At a wedding last month, she was there, we said hi, she managed a stiff hi, then ignored us the rest of the time. We've had some serious health issues in the last 3 months, she never said "how ya doin", nothing. All the while fawning over someone else's sick mother - couldn't do enough for her - and asking others how they were doing, etc.

Could go on and on, but won't. Now, she is getting tight with some other family members who live close, and we noticed at the wedding, some were a little chilly towards us. We have offered no explanation or defense, have not even brought up her name, not that anyone has asked. But, apparently a line has been drawn in the sand. So glad we live 1,000 miles away.

This is only our side, but I swear we have really tried. Apologized, asked for forgiveness (for what is still a mystery), send cards,Christmas wreaths, phone occasionally (try to find that fine line of "not too much, not too little"), praise for everything she does (flowers, cards), ask about their activities, show interest, and be nice and smile a lot. Never, ever, bring up anything even slightly controversial - her brother or sister, what we think, the dog, what we have been doing- , which is just asking for it.

Is it time to give up? We are in our late 60s, and are tired. Don't know what else to do but give up. She doesn't like us, can't stand us apparently, doesn't have to give us a reason, and maybe we should leave her alone. Love her, of course, but don't really like her much at this point.

See this a lot these days.
Thanks for listening.

She is probably very much enjoying keeping you on pins and behaving like a spoilt brat. Our kids are very good at guilt-tripping us, and you have this fear in your heart that she didn't always get enough attention due to your difficulties with your other offspring. Maybe she did, and maybe she didn't, but just how long is she allowed to keep punishing you for this?

My rule is that I don't accept behaviour from my loved ones that I wouldn't be prepared to accept from anyone else. Yes I will always love them but that doesn't mean I am their doormat. If she has an issue with you she should be perfectly able to voice it and discuss it sensibly at the age of 44. She is acting like a petulant teenager and you are letting her.

Treat her like an adult, and expect her to behave like one. Tell her if she is unhappy with anything you are perfectly willing to listen, but she has to be prepared to discuss it like a grown-up, you're not a mind-reader.

Of course, you are right. To keep peace and have some sort of relationship, we have bent over backwards - yes, doormats. If she were a next door neighbor, we would have nothing to do with her. And, I guess that is our only option - have nothing to do with her. Like we have a choice; the ball is in her court right now and it can stay there. Our son was going to call her and patch things up between the two of them (she ignores him, too), but when we told our story about why we had not heard from her in a while, he decided it was not worth it - just playing into her hands again. .

But, if history repeats itself, she will eventually try to get back into our lives - what fun is there if we aren't playing? - but nope, 'fraid not. I can be polite, and will be cordial to avoid discomfort for ourselves and others when in a family gathering, but that is a far as it can go. Won't get fooled again.

She's not an evil person - does a lot of good and can be very kind if it suits her - and is generally perceived as a sweet person. Until you cross her. We are not the first she has treated this way - a long string of abandoned family,friends and neighbors over the years.

Sometimes things just don't work out, try as you might. Not the end of the world, but not the way we thought our lives would be. No peace on this Walton's Mountain! I hate that show.
Thanks for the wise advice.

Well if you think she will be coming back into your lives when she is ready then there is still hope. Just make sure it is not all on her terms when that happens.

Keep the love in your heart but the steel in your backbone. If you act as though you expect and deserve respect you may even find that eventually you get it.

Wishing you well.

She is effectively punishing you for being nice. Stop letting her feelings ruin and rule your lives. She won't get better even if you do tell her to start acting like an adult, etc. as QLP suggested. She's not going to stop this horrid behavior.

Please don't let her actions ruin your lives. Just pretend she lives on the moon and keep it that way. Don't read into the other people she has chosen to target that you know about.

Just let her live her pathetic life without you and your husband. You did the best you could with the 3 kids you had. If she somehow feels she was left out while growing up she'll have to just get over it or never get over it.

There is essentially nothing you can say or do that will change her behavior as she's done this for so many years now.

She may just come around or never come around until it's too late.