Hi all,

First time posting here, I was hoping for some advice from people outside of my friend circle to know what they think about this..

So me and my girlfriend have been together for 4 years and our 5th year anniversary is next week.
I am a very jealous type of guy and she a very jealous girl too.
Things were going well between us, until she felt it was getting boring and repetitive.
This first time it was about 2 weeks ago, she already said she needed some space and she needed to think for herself, she doesn't know what she wants, that she knows she might regret her decision in the future and then I just said I wanted to stay with her and all the typical stuff when you don't want someone to leave you.

So in the end she decided to stay but still think about it.
Now last weekend we were supposed to meet up, so she was supposed to come by my place at 9:00 pm, at 9:30pm she texts me telling me she's going to see some of her friends and we will see us tomorrow. I said OK to her, and called up some friends to hang out and drink.
Next day, same situation we're supposed to meet a 7:00pm but at 6:20 she tells me she's going to see her best friend.
Ok again and I went on to do my things.
I was thinking maybe this is the space she needs so I'll just give it to her. I didn't try calling her or texting her during those times, I just left her alone and focused on my friends instead.
Again the next day we were supposed to meet and she said she would be doing other things instead, this time I asked her, what's going on why are you doing this, why not just tell me that we won't see each other today. She says she's confused she doesn't know why she does that.
So we meet up later that day to talk about it, she didn't talk much, the only answers I got was, "i dont know..." "nothing.." "im confused"
The next day was her birthday so her parents had made dinner and invited me already, so I came over things went normal, until I found out on her phone that she was actually seeing 2 persons while she was with her best friend.
Of course those 2 persons are male or else I wouldn't be acting up already but the worst thing is, one of them is her ex boyfriend (ill name him james) from 6 years ago.

I saw that they talked a lot and were meeting quite a lot during those last 2 days, James's friend the other guy had talked a lot to my girlfriend, I didn't have time to read the messages but their seemed to be a lot, and there were a lot of calls from that guy too.
She ripped the phone out of my hands and we started getting mad at each other.

The worse is those 2 guys used to be really bad school kids, the ones that typically have a lot of problems with the police and who mugs/fights people for no reason, really the scumbag type, when she was dating her ex back in the days, he used to hit her a lot and they had a lot of problems where they had to change his class, well high level problems that goes from school directors to parents and even to the police sometimes.
The guy treated her like ****.

So she finally told me she saw those guys, I asked her why, she said first that she doesn't know... that it's the only friends she has that would see her today, (which is kind of true, she really doesn't have a lot of friends, she might of lost them all because of staying with me, but I never told her that she couldn't see her friends, it was just her addiction to me.)
Otherwise she only has like 2-3 true friends.
I told her those guys aren't good for her they won't give her any good advice and stuff, she just told me that they were the only person apart from me that would listen.
I asked what they talked about, and she said they were talking about how they have changed in life what they are doing and her situation with me.

By that time I knew what kind of stuff those guys might have said like I can see them trying to pull her away from me to get her back, so I felt kind of screwed.


I asked her what kind of messages was he sending you, but she had erased everything on her phone, every name of other guys.
Then she kept saying, nothing important, nothing on those mssages..
That annoyed me because I saw a lot of text and a lot of messages (iphone has the conversation type sms with single person and the scroll bar seemed to go far up).
After more answers of nothing or just silent I let it go.


I told her if she wanted to see those guys again to forget about me, after 5 years, if she decided to see them she just goes back to the same troublesome **** after I helped her so hard pulling her out and now she's successful in live she has her own BMW I made her pass her driving license immediately at 18, I helped her go through school to get all her diplomas and keeping her good job right now.

She didn't answer right away, all she could tell was that she didn't want to lose me, that she was scared of life without me.
Then she started telling me I deserve better then her I should look for a girl that suits me more.. I told her I don't want anyone else and that I wanted her, that she was the only person that means to me...

So we met next day to talk a bit more
I can't get much out of her, but I tell her sweet things about what we lived and how I feel about her.
Then she told me she won't see them again.
After 15 minutes her cellphone vibrated in her bag, it was 11:00 pm we were in my room, I asked her who it is, she says she doesn't know, I told her to look, and she said no I don't want to look I don't want to know, I started saying "Who could it be..."
She started naming her sister her mom her job colleagues and her girl friends.
But I wasn't convinced and told her to look still,
She didn't and said it was probably going to end our couple right now and looked at me with a sad face. So I did a ninja jump out of the bed style to take the cellphone as fast as possible and ran to the bathroom with it so she couldn't rip it off again off my hand.
And to my surprise it was her ex boyfriend James (on her phone he was renamed to another name so I couldn't detect him)
And he just said "Are we seeing eachother or not? Kiss."
Like are we meeting up or not, in italian (Chi vediamo o no? Baci.)
I was like *** did you plan on meeting your ex tonight? Why do you want to see that guy, I never got a clear answer and she told me to forget about it. So she went home and were meeting again today.

This is where I am right now, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think about what she was doing with those guys.
Is she falling in love again with her ex? Even if she told me she didn't have any feelings for him or that she wouldn't imagine being with him again.
Why did she erase all the messages? Why doesn't she tell me what they talked about at least?

Should I just let her go?
Im really attached to her and my feelings are really big for her, this is like the stab in the heart situation of my life. I don't know what to do.

I personally don't think she cheated on me, but I could be wrong.
Should I give her the space she needs forever? Or try to stay together?
I don't want a pause because that's just an indirect way of breaking up it still ends the same way. I don't want to be "just friends" with her it would seem too weird for me and would hurt me more then anything else.

Thanks for reading this if you have read all this, I thank you very much, it helps me to feel listened.

Its time to let go and move on. She just isn't into the relationship anymore, in fact all she is doing is trying to force herself because she is afraid to be alone. She also doesn't want to hurt you. With time people grow, they change physically and emotionally. When it comes to a relationship it can either be enhanced by those changes or ended for them to start a new chapter in their lives.
This is also a chance for you to start a new chapter in your life, hopefully one that you have also shown your growth in maturity by not being so jealous and controlling. You should never feel that you have the right to check another persons phone, nor even ask them who has called them. When reading your post, I got a feeling that you stepped out of the role of boyfriend, to parent way too much. I realize that you feel that you were helping her recover from abusive past relationship and not losing material belongings. Perhaps due to this control she is basically getting tired of being told what to do.
If she decides to go back into a bad situation there is nothing you can do, she is an adult. You have given your advice and she will either take it or not. So its time to go to NO contact. Don't sit around waiting to see if she wants a relationship or not.

Then she started telling me i deserve better then her i should look for a girl that suits me more..

I will shed some light on a very similar situation I went through. However, I was in the position of your g/f.

We were together for almost 5 years as well and things did get monotonous and repetative. Everyday was the same, work, shool, home. My fiancé at the time would do her thing at home and I would do mine. There wasn't any passion or even simple caring anymore. We tried to work it out, we went out more, talked more, but it was inevitable. The things I wanted leading up to that point suddenly wasn't what I wanted anymore. We had a party one night were my best friend invited another one of our friends over and he brought his sister. Low and behold, I developed a bit of a crush on this girl. Needless to say I am now married to this girl.

The point of me telling you this is because the harsh realization that people change; even after 5 years, can be hard to comprehend by someone in your shoes and in your current situation. (believing after 5 years no chance that feelings would change)

The words in bold are what immediately what makes me decide to tell you what I am about to tell you. To me it sounds like she wants out. Her telling you that you deserve better is her way of telling you she's done without actually coming out and just saying it because she doesn't want to hurt you, you've been together for almost 5 years. She still cares but the love is gone.

Now by no mean do I condone looking through her phone, yes you deserve to know and now you do but there are other ways to go about doing it. Now, listen to me when I say this.

At this point you can't change her mind, nothing you say, nothing you do will make her feel different. She has gotten herself in so deep with this situation her mind is set. Give her the space she requested and if you two are meant to be together than you will be. You can't force someone to love you forever, you do what you can while you're together, make her happy, make her laugh and smile and feel like the most important person in the world. Sometimes that's not enough, that goes back to the fact that people change. Interests change. I am going to take a wild guess and estimate that you are about 21-23 in age. Started dating her in high-school or just out of high-school, you feel that you've given so much to the relationship, toher, helped her in so many ways, as she has helped you. You feel betrayed, useless and completely powerless, it's probably even eating you away inside.

This is a point in your life were you need to focus on you now. Continue schooling (if applicable) continue working, hang out with your friends and let it take its course. There is no reason to beat yourself up over this as there is nothing you can do at this point but wait.

I wish you the best of luck and remember, you're not the first to feel this way, or go through this. It was very mature to look for advice outside your friend circle, knowing very well the answers your friends would give you.

Again, good luck!

I think you should have seen the red flags waving at the first need space speech and the I don't know responses. You didn't run then, but now is the time to. Don't look back for any reason.

I think you're missing the whole point here.

This isn't about her, her text messages, her seeing other people, the lies, coverups, and justifying her actions. That part belongs only to her, and has nothing to do with you.

This isn't about you, your demands, inquisitions, breechs of privacy, lack of trust, and having no control over another person's behaviour.

This is about the relationship, between the two of you.

Jealousy is one of the first things you mentioned. That in, and of itself, is the one ingredient that will destroy any good intention. Jealousy means a lack of trust, and jealous actions toward another (both of you), underscores a lack of communication. Jealousy turns the smallest things into big events, arguments, and destructive, hurtful words and behaviour, and jealousy toward another only grows. It does not stop itself.

So if you cannot trust someone, or communicate with someone, or solve problems rather than scoring a point to prove something negative about another person, what's the point of the relationship in the first place.

I am not saying that her behaviour is beyond reproach. I am saying that neither of you can move beyond jealousy, control, accusations, arguing, assumptions, doubt and proving a point, that nothing ever gets resolved. How can honesty happen, when anything you say or do is subject to the same old routine. And where does it get you, every single time. She will either say what you want to hear, or you will pressure her into saying what you want to hear, and neither of you get to the bottom of any problem, let alone solving them.

Jealousy, as you have indicated, is also the worst form of control, because what fuels the jealousy, also fuels the behaviour, and the behavior is almost always way out of proportion to what the actual problems really are.

A healthy relationship deals with problems. Not blame, accusations, suppositions, inuendo, and guessing. If you have a problem trusting her, that is one thing. If you have a problem trusting her because you are jealous (and thus controlling), that is another.

But, I also have to say that you have, by your own words, shown what is wrong with the relationship. Why not address the issues in counselling. Find out how to break the destructiveness of how the two of you have learned to communicate and 'solve' problems. Work on trust first, without conditions, and without doubt. If you cannot trust your partner, and neither of you are willing to get help to learn how to argue effectively, or neither of you are willing to change how you behave together, it just won't work.

You can prove your doubts until the cows come home, and really, where will that get you.

This relationship is done man, move on and find something else. It will take sometime for you to get used to being without her, but it is not impossible! Jealousy destroys relationships, so don't accept it and expect your next girlfriend to accept it, CHANGE IT. Control yourself jealousy (and I am jealous too) is something you must learn to control inside of your brain because it makes a relationship unhealthy. You could say that this relationship was doomed to fail since both of you were jealous. And this girl is lying to you and going out with other guys?? Leave her man, she doesn't deserve your worrying thoughts. As far as friends go, if you don't feel like being her friend, then don't.

Good Luck,

Javi

Thanks everyone for your answers, I have been reading them a couple of times and thinking hardly..
I just don't want to let this girl go, I feel like if I ever let her go I am never going to get a girl of this league again, this is the most beautiful and the coolest girl I have ever been with, but I have left out some important details out prior to the break event.

It dated back to 6 months ago, I lost my last job and started getting depressed because I couldn't find another one and the bills were coming in.
I was sad and not happy, the thing is I saw my girlfriend everyday, but everyday I tried to look happy to her when it actually wasn't the case.
Of course she noticed it and I never talked about it, I always said to her I was fine, but I was a boring person I didn't text message her or call her she had to send me a message first or call me first all the time. And I wasn't showing her my affection much with a lot of kisses and stuff.
Until 2 weeks ago when she says she wants a pause.
She said she had actually thought about leaving me in August right after we got back from our 2 weeks vacation.

Yesterday we met and we talked, she told me she still was undecided and didn't know what to do.
I told her how much I loved her and didn't want to separate from her, but I said that I could understand if she wanted to go and live her life, that I would totally be ready to face it, that I only want what's best for her. But if she wants to give me another chance, I would change, do my best to make this work out, work hard on our relationship and on my jealousy. As she is a trustworthy woman, my past jealousy imagination would take over the reality of things..
I told her that I only noticed now how bad I have been during these past months with her and I feel stupid about it, I should have noticed it before but now I want to repair it.
She said that she knows how she has changed since she met me, how she has grown up in a good direction from me always helping her and being here for her and giving her advices, that she is grateful to me for that.
She also said that she needed time and space for herself as during those last 5 years, everyday we saw each other, there wasn't a single day when we didn't see each other except when we went holidays separately, after work instead of coming to my place, stay at hers at home chilling and sleeping earlier as she gets really tired.

She also said that she is a girl from the south, and southern girls from italy have this tradition of staying with the first man they are serious with, at least that's how it has worked in her family for a lot of generations. And that she wouldn't see these guys anymore.

This of course made me feel hope.
So we went back to my place and I lit up some candles put some music for a romantic ambience, something I had never done in those past 5 years.
It was an intense love romance night, we both enjoyed it a lot.
I keep telling her she is the perfect girl for me and how I love her so much and am so attached to her, how beautiful she is, that I don't want any other girl, I have no interest in any other girls, that I only want her.
I told her that we didn't need to see each other everyday, that if any of us feels tired or has anything else to do, we should just not see us that day and just call each other instead.

She was thinking but she looked really happy, and finally said that she wants to stay with me.. so I hugged her for a long time..
So we aren't seeing each other tomorrow we will see us Saturday night for my birthday party.
I told her how she's going to miss me and can't wait for Saturday. She said the same.

So is this going to work out? Did I do the right thing? I just love her so much..
Thanks again for reading this

Now you need to take the ball, and run with it.

You are a lucky man that you have been given another opportunity to repair your relationship, so I am now rooting for you, but there are things that you must do. If you don't, you will be back in the same situation, and it will indeed, be over.

Deal with the jeaousy. Figure it out. Change it. Learn how to trust, and let go of your insecurities. They are only at rest now, but will rear their ugly heads the moment you are faced with indifference, anger, and conflict.

Learning how to change anything about yourself, or for anybody else for that matter, is not easy. But, it is worth the effort.

Please seek counselling. Relationship experts are quite familiar with the destructive beast called 'jealousy'. But, the cause of the jealousy, is what needs to be uncovered, and talked through. If you don't have any understanding of why, you do not know how to change. You need the tools to do so.

And while your girlfriend is hedging toward a commitment again, I get the impression that she is still holding out. She does not want to repeat history, anymore than you do. And she too has issues of insecurity and resulting jealousy that counselling would help as well.

But until you get the help you need, you are doomed to repeat your behaviour in any new relationhip. You can stop the symptoms by hiding them, or ignoring them, but I guarantee you, they will surface again, and you will be in exactly the same situation you are in right now.

Show her that you are willing, able, and mature enough to admit you need help with this problem. And then go and get it. You will be a much better person, and benefit so much from enjoying a healthy relationship, without resorting back to the same old destructive patterns, fueled by jealousy.

Worth considering?