Moved to its own thread

I have been in a relationship for over two years, with an engagement of a year and a half. I am a widower, she is a widow. We dated, then I helped her with her home, her personal problems, and helped care for her ailing/dying mother for many months... plus a lot of other things I never thought I'd commit to doing, but the relationship seemed to be very right, and good. However, she told me recently she could not marry me, she was sooooo sorry..?. then
She left, a couple of days, and came back again, only to leave again.. then came back and said she would stay maybe for lunch, supper, and do laundry, but go home at night... to her own home. This has been going on for two months. She is now away, on a trip with one of her MANY girlfriends she has had for a long time. Platonic... only. She wants "time" to think. I told her she has had over a year to think, but when I mention it, she becomes stone cold and
Nearly silent... she goes to a family counselor, monthly. She was not in a good marriage, he was gone for weeks at a time, at a cabin, and would only come home sometimes for her birthday, or Christmas!. she hung on... until he suddenly unexpectedly died. We met a year after that. I was a widow
Earlier that year. She suffers from depression, and has for a long time, and I suspect, she has a personality disorder, as she is extremely loving, then ice cold... often once a week... up and down, everything great... compatable, then she becomes coldly official... and abrupt, as if I am someone she
Is dealing with in a business deal or something. Then it goes back to "honey"... "sweety" and the cyle goes on. I love her, she loves me... but she
Spends a great deal of time with her "girlfriends" lunch, evening out.. etc. and it all seems to be on her schedule... never mine. I love her greatly, but am starting to realize that I must be firm and let her know; "It's either us...me, and put the others 2nd, 3rd and 4th, etc. or we have to part, because I
cannot go on in limbo. I want to remarry, and spend the rest of my days with someone who wants the same. She says she wants me in her life, sincerely, but wants to be free to "come and go"...that's fine, in moderation, but I never know from day to day when she may say, "Suzie asked me to lunch!. " Bingo... so what will my day be like then? This gets very frustrating, tiring, and I think...abusive. I don't think she means it, I think it is a
reaction to 40 years of being with a non-committed, estranged husband who was never around much at all, and the girlfriends filled the void. Now
she fears losing "them" and committing to me, and that scares her deeply. I am not sure what to do... in all this. Time's running out... I fear.

Many things jump out, you can't work together to compromise, and can't change each other to fit what you want. Despite the common thread of being widowed, you two are incompatible, and I don't see building a future with each other.

It happens, so maybe somebody makes a decision, and she seems to have made hers, despite your ultimatum, so let her have her friends.

Sounds to me like she expects you too do what she did.
Because in her mind if you loved her you would... right?

Umm... No!!

You two are on different pages in life. As Tal said apart from being widowers what do you have in common?

You where there for her when she needed you. She doesn't need you anymore.

It's interesting that you have a lot to say here about her and her past but nothing about you and yours. If your marriage was happy and loving and hers wasn't, the very plausible conclusion that she is wary is something you are going to have to accept. She seems to need and care about her friends a lot at this time. I would not be so quick to put a label of 'personality disorder' on someone either. We don't know if her abrupt changes in behavior are related to any personality problems or if they are just her way of reacting to things you say and do. If you see that she is the one with the problem just because she sees a counselor once a month, this doesn't bode well, and telling her that she has 'had over a year to think' and that her friends need to be 2nd or 3rd has an ominous sound of ultimatum. She has said she won't marry you. You want to remarry. Either adjust your life or start the effort to find someone else. Your realization that you 'must be firm' needs to be applied to yourself, not to her. Any ultimatums are on you to stay or leave.

Sounds like she is treating you like her husband treated her during their marriage. My question is why would you want to settle down with someone in your own words has personality disorder, she hot then cold. You know first hand from losing your wife that life is way to short to waste.
Let this woman live her life her way. You need to move on. There are woman out there that would cherish having a man who knows how to love and care for a woman. Don't waste any more time! Good luck

Take what she says & her actions as the truth.

Doesn't make sense just to be in a relationship for comfort. No matter age, history, love or work. Plus, it sounds like you put in more than she was willing to.
And she knows that. Hence her decision.

I wouldn't fight for this or let it get you down. You got with the wrong lady, that's all. Oh, well, another lesson.
Keep learning.

You are old enough to let the past be the past. Life's too short for hassles. Only fun.

Be glad its over. This is a godsend.