I've been dating this girl for over 3.5 years. She was married when we first met, then separated then divorced. We have practically lived as though we were married for the last 2.5 years (vacations with her kids, dinner every night, etc.). I have never moved in with her and rarely stayed overnight when the kids were home. She has always remained very close to her ex (too close for me and has resulted in several arguments with her over the years). They talk every day supposedly about the kids, etc. I know she talks to him at least 3 or 4 times everyday. I think they never really got closer from their divorce. He dated someone for about a year or so and they have not been dating as much in the last 6 months.
I always wondered in the back of my head if they would ever get back together. She has promised me over and over that they only talk about kid related stuff when they talk. I have to take her word for it.

About a week and a half ago, she came back from a sports competition with her girlfriends that was out of state. I kept her dogs, house, etc. while she was gone. She has given me reason a while ago to be suspicious of her on these girl's trips and I took a look at her email ( I know I was wrong for this) and I saw where she had emailed some guy that she met at the event. She said how much she enjoyed meeting him and chatting with him. I know she met this guy in a restaurant bar after dinner with her friends. The part that hurt the most is she said that she smiled all the way on the flight home thinking about him. I couldn't hold back and I confronted her about it. She admitted that she did "talk" with this guy in the bar and that was all that happened. I'm crushed over her actions. She admitted that she knows she will probably never see this guy again ever, but she got something from emailing him, etc. and it felt good to be complimented. I compliment her all the time. She is a very beuatiful girl but has issues with getting older (42) and I'm 36.

So, we had a major blow up fight and I told her I was done. We kind of made up afterwards. After a few days of talking with her girlfriends, she said that she "needs some time" to figure out her mind and what she wants. I wanted kids when we first started dating and she said she would not rule that out in the future. As time has gone on, she has indicated that she is too old and doesn't want to go through all of that again. The other issue is marriage. I want to and she is worried that she has failed at it before and doesn't want to fail again. She was happy going sideways for the last year. I hate to sound like every other guy on here, but I truly love this girl with all of my heart. I've never cheated on her. It hurts me to no end that we are not talking right now. We agreed to try the no contact thing last Friday night. She texted me Sat. night, skipped Sunday and I last spoke to her on Monday night (today is Thurs.). She got mad at me on Monday night when she found out that I was going out with friends. I told her that she was the one that wanted time away from me so what does she care. I'm trying to make it day by day, but every minute is so hard. I know that I need to use this time to figure out if she is really the person that I want, but it is hard to not talk to someone that I have talked to several times a day for the last 3.5 years.

Now for the obvious question... is it over? She didn't say that we were breaking up and I asked her if she wanted to break up and she said no. We both agreed that we would not date anyone else during this time. I bluntly asked one of her best friends and she said that she doesn't think anyone else is involved but that she truly thinks that she just needs some time alone.
Help!

I don't understand the "I need time": excuse (I am a much more clingy person). However the two of you need to to get together or let it go. The time is for what? Either you have what it takes or you don't. It sounds like there were a lot of good qualities to this relationship. Don't let her keep you in limbo forever. As far as the marriage goes with the ex, I too have a very positive relationship with my ex And we can literally talk about anything. But several timesd a day is a little excessive especially for the third wheel. Try to schedule a heart to heart talk and both of you need to lay out the perimeters of the relationship especially in communicating with new people. If that hurts you and she won't stop then it may not work. Don't think about marriage or children until all of the issues are laid on the table. I agree with her as a 40 something year old woman, you have goals that have nothing to do with raising babies. That is a huge topic to explore.

If you have to move on for whatevver reason break clean and move on. She is not the only person who will offer the qualities that you want. It will be hard at first, but move on if this is permanent. You deserve someone who is totally committed. Not someone who needs breaks from a relationship. And not someone holding out for her ex husband. Several times a day? Really?

Put yourself out ther4e for a minute and ask for a date maybe over coffee. Then move on

3 years is a long time not to have honest communications, so you can resolve conflict in thinking, and share long term expectations, and establish boundaries.

So I do understand the shock of finding out how she really feels about things you never knew. Single or married that's how commitments are formed, and it seems her commitment was not as strong, or binding as yours. Part of this was assuming the time you spent meant something, and no doubt it did, and part of this was she didn't share everything in her head with you.

That where I think you both are. Trying to decide where to go from here. So first, totally forget what her friends say, and replace false hope with facts, and you can't do that without honest communications, and clearing the air. If you chose to not talk, and let her have the "alone time to think" and wait for HER decision she is gone. If you allow these little texts and chats that solve nothing but keeps you in limbo while she thinks, then she is gone. The whole purpose of this break, that she says she doesn't want to break up is to give her time to weigh her options before she makes her decision, and for sure you are an option, one of many, so she needs you close. JUST IN CASE.

Your only obligation now is to make your own decision, not be an option, and be straight and honest about it, then be prepared to take the right action for yourself. Plain and simple. Just me, I disappear and do my thing because its a huge red flag when she could not be straight up, and honest with her feelings in the first place, and I think her behavior would have continued had you not found out the truth of the matter on your own, after the fact.

To me, that level of dishonesty, means disloyalty, and that's not love, nor trust, on her part, and deserves no reward. So its YOUR decision, and you better make it, own it and do it. Disappear and do your own thing while you build a life you are happy with, because there ain't that much love in the world to give to someone that has been deceiving you all this time.

To be fair, you allowed it, by assuming and presuming without communications or question to get facts. Your feelings for her were NOT enough for her to be honest, and should not be enough to keep you there waiting for her "alone time to think" to end, and she feels like talking, explaining, and honestly trying.

Put aside your feelings, and make your decisions based on FACTS.

I agree that her relationship with her husband, while cordal, is a bit over the top. I take it her kids are old enough to call their dad themselves, why does she need to chat with him several times a day.

The email, while I disagree with your snooping- is also suspicious, and that is only what you do know. To meet a man in a bar, and exchange personal information while you are in an apparently solid relationship, is another red flag. That it happened on a weekend away, could just as easily happened on a night out, just down the street. Or at work, or on he subway. She is emotionally in that place where she is available, and checking out other men.

She also comes up with an awful lot of excuses for her behaviour, and I too, would be suspicious of her commitment.

So, she actually has three men hanging. Her husband, you, and the new guy she met in a bar. When confronted, suddenly she needs her space. Normally, you get all the space you need, after you stop using people, and let them go.

Love is not enough to suddenly make people compatible, honest, and committed. While you may feel these things toward her, clearly she does not feel the same toward you.

Try to see that, while it is hard to stop loving someone, you have to be practical, and know when this relationship is not putting your needs first. That is what a committed partner does, they don't keep other men in the picture, as possibilities in case they are a better choice, shoot you flimsy excuses, and expect you to buy the b.s.

I would let her go, and at the same time, be grateful that you didn't invest in a home, mortgage, car loans, etc. and also be grateful that (I hope) you are not too emotionally vested in the lives of her children, as they too, will suffer a loss with you gone, because of the behaviour and decisions of their mother.

You can't base your future on doubt. Without trust, you have nothing. Do your best to let the relationship go, and move on.

It has always been an issue with me how many times she and her ex talk daily. I think that neither one of them ever truly dealt with their divorce. They both admitted that they grew apart and were both at fault. The kids are 12-14 years old and yes, I've said many times that they are old enough to keep their dad updated on their daily lives without her having to do it. Her response is that the kids don't always answer their phones so he calls her, etc. BS!! Her counselor used to tell her that by her taking his calls every morning was like giving crack to an addict. It was feeding his/her "need" to still communicate. Obviously, they will always have some sort of communication since they have kids, but it is ridiculous how much they talk. It was also an issue with a girl he was dating and that poor girl didn't know half of the stuff that I knew. I always wanted to call her and let her know that her boyfriend was calling my girlfriend every morning to "check on the kids." I never did it and I know that wouldn't have helped anyone.

The crazy thing is that even though her ex should hate me for being part of their breakup years ago, he and I actually get along at the kids sporting events, etc. She said that he has told her that he truly likes me and he got through that phase by knowing that I was good to his kids and to her and not a jerk.

I think I will always have a hard time trusting her. I've told her in the past that trust is earned and she has done nothing to prove that she can be trusted. Even though I'm trying to grasp the reality that it may be over, I worry about her. She says she wants her alone time now, but I know she is still talking to her ex several times a day. She is actually out of town for a few days for another tournament now, so you can only imagine where my mind is headed. I also know that her ex is taking care of her kids, dogs, etc. while she is gone.

Should I tell her that we need to talk in person on Sunday and get everything out on the table and tell her that I can't wait on her to make up her mind while leaving me in limbo? I have some personal items at her house (clothes, etc.). Should I collect those items now?

Let me see if I have the timing correct: You met her and started a relationship with her while she was married to her now ex-husband. She cheated on her husband with you.

She has not had time or space to work through her marriage and divorce or to have allowed all the emotional dust to settle from that relationship.

She doesn't know what she wants because she has been drifting from one relationship into the next. If you hadn't come along would she still be married or was she talking to other men besides you who might have 'saved' her? Not to be harsh, but all she did was move from one pasture to another and is munching at what appears to be greener grass in another one.

You can talk with her about boundaries and the relationship, but I think she has shown that boundaries don't mean anything to her. You didn't pay attention to the warning sign saying, "If she leaves him for you, she will do the same to you, someday". Are you ready to heed the warning?

You are correct about the timing. She was married when we first met. We met through mutual friends and she contacted me first. I was hesitant to get involved with someone who is married... I know better. She told me that her marriage had been dead for 5 or 6 years and that she had "checked out" of it. Her husband was going out playing poker, etc. every night and never there for her and the kids. Things happened and we became serious very quickly. He found out about it after the first month due to me responding to a late night text from her. She separated from him and he moved out about 4 months after we started our "relationship". They went to counseling (while she and I dated the entire time). The counselor advised her to cut off communication with both of us, until she can sort it out. That lasted about a week and she said she couldn't be without me.

So we dated while she was separated and I started being around the kids at this point. The divorce finally happened about a year later. Her ex kept demanding that she file the papers, etc. and she drug her feet. This was a red flag to me then and I should have stepped back then. I always told her to do what she really wants to do in life. We continued on for almost 1.5 years dating after the divorce, which is now. We have taken the kids on several vacations. I go to all of her kids sporting events. As I said earlier, I have had dinner with her and the kids every night for more than 2 years. I'm attached to her kids and I believe they are to me. I've done nothing but be very respectful to them and loved them as though they were my own.

Her daughter was basically ignored by her ex for the first 12 years of her life because he mainly cared about their son and his activities. Since the separation, her ex is now all of a sudden going to everything that their daughter does. I know this is not a bad thing and I am happy that her dad is in her life. My girlfriend has told me before that her daughter has told her that she wishes they they would get back together and be a happy family. I know this is normal for kids to say/think this for a long time.

You are correct that she never had the down time between relationships. The counselor told her to do this and her friends told her.

As bad as it hurts, I could probably handle her getting back with her ex better than I would her getting with someone new.

So, do I ask to meet her on Sunday and go get my belongings and tell her that I will respect her space, but not sit around and wait on her to clear her head. That could take weeks, months or even years.

Yikes, you are living through " what goes around comes back around" circumstances. Why are you so shocked that she would fool around on you and break your trust. Its always easier after the first time.
She has never committed to you, not even to the point of letting you move in and become any permanent fixture in her FAMILY.
After leaving her husband for you and being in a relationship with for 3yrs, your still just the boyfriend who visits, and goes to HER kids activities.
Iam impressed with the ex-husband that he has put behind him that you were the "other man" that cheated with his wife, to be able to be anywhere near you at HIS children's activities.
Of course she was never planning on marrying you or having your children. You were someone she could lean on while getting herself established after her divorce.
Your 36yrs old, how many more years to you plan on wasting with a woman who is not willing to commit to you fully. Go out and find a woman who will love you, and be proud to have your children. Don't throw away your opportunity to go to your own children's activities, rather that would mean, step children,adopted, or even biological. Good luck

So, do I ask to meet her on Sunday and go get my belongings and tell her that I will respect her space, but not sit around and wait on her to clear her head. That could take weeks, months or even years.

In one word, yes.

While she is 'clearing' her head, you need to do the same. I can't say what will happen in the future, but I do know that you need to allow yourself to heal and move on even if you do end up back with her. Take time for yourself. Don't think about when 'she' is ready or what 'she' wants. Do think about when you are ready for another relationship and what you want in that relationship.

IF you do attempt to get back with her, work through the issues of the past before trying again. Set boundaries and compromises BEFORE you do anything else. Move forward instead of circling back to where you are right now.

Good luck.

Just get your stuff and disappear into the sunset fella, without all the emotional fog. You had to know this would happen sooner or later because she told you it would. You foolishly believed it was ALL him, but now you know better.

There is simply nothing else to say but good bye.

I'm pretty sure she will be back in town on Sunday (it all depends on how her team does). Should I call her or text her that I want to talk to her? Do I try to do it so that it happens quickly, as in "I'm heading over and we need to talk"? Or should I try to schedule a time when the kids aren't there (which could be hard)?
Should I make it short and sweet and just say:
"I've been thinking about our relationship and it will be hard for me to trust you again unless you undergo some major changes, primarily your daily chats with the ex. Therefore, I've decided to move on with my life. I still care deeply about you and want to see you happy, but we both need to be happy. Waiting around for you to think things over is not fair to me. I deserve to be with someone that wants to be with me and is happy being in a progressing relationship with me. I have doubts that you will be coming to terms with any sort of decision any time soon, which is why I'm making my decision now. I truly wish you the best in life. Hopefully, one day you will be at peace and find out who you really are and what you really want in life."

Suggestions, comments, I welcome them all. Normally, I am good at handling extreme situations at work, but when it hits home, I feel like I have the mind of a 5th grader.

Just my opinion here, but I would not see her in person, or phone or text. What you have written here is really well done.

""I've been thinking about our relationship and it will be hard for me to trust you again unless you undergo some major changes, primarily your daily chats with the ex. Therefore, I've decided to move on with my life. I still care deeply about you and want to see you happy, but we both need to be happy. Waiting around for you to think things over is not fair to me. I deserve to be with someone that wants to be with me and is happy being in a progressing relationship with me. I have doubts that you will be coming to terms with any sort of decision any time soon, which is why I'm making my decision now. I truly wish you the best in life. Hopefully, one day you will be at peace and find out who you really are and what you really want in life."

I would only edit, that which makes her think that you are willing to take her back. If your intent is to end it, then end it. I would edit it like this, with ending it in mind.

""I've been thinking about our relationship and it is impossible for me to trust you again Therefore, I've decided to move on with my life. I still care deeply about you and want to see you happy, but we both need to be happy. Waiting around for you to think things over is not fair to me. I deserve to be with someone that wants to be with me and is happy being in a progressing relationship with me, which is why I'm making my decision now.

I truly wish you the best in life. Hopefully, one day you will be at peace and find out who you really are and what you really want in life."

And I would email it to her (which I normally would not suggest, but considering how raw your emotions are, the distance is probably best).

And then, read in this community, all the stickies and posts about going no contact, because, I really do think this is what you need to do, in order to regain and live your life in a healthier, happy way.

I'm dying to contact her to get everything off my chest. I haven't been able to sleep well for the last week. As I said earlier, she is still out of town until tomorrow night (I think). I want to tell her that due to her betrayals in the past, I will never be able to trust her. I really do love her so much and it hurts beyond belief to end it, but I think it has probably been over for a few months. Her actions have indicated that she doesn't feel that strongly about me as bad as it hurts me to admit it. AGGGGGHHHHHHH! I hate this!

Work up a good sweat for 30 minutes, take two aspirin, after a hot bath, sleep like a baby.

Answer 15 questions in the relationship forum to help others, and give no mention of your problems, just focus on theirs.

Just a few suggestions to drain that negative energy off.

Hey kind of know how you feel. But how you handle it is the important part because we all have problems we struggle with.

I like Tal's suggestion of answering questions. I'll only add to please make them current ones. :)

Helping others is a great way to put our own thoughts in order and see different ways of handling a situation.

I know you need to get your things back, but if you can wait for them then it might be best to let things cool for awhile or make arrangements for someone else to pick them up.

I don't have a problem with an impersonal note to end things because she already made that opening by asking for space.

Being active, mentally and physically, will help.

So we met face to face today. I asked her what her interpretation of our relationship status is right now... on break, broken up, still together, etc. She said that she sees us as still together, but taking a break. I said that I can't be left in limbo while she figures things out and if the relationship is over, let's just end it now and not drag things out. She said she doesn't want it to be over and she doesn't want to say goodbye to me, but she needs some time to figure out if she is ready to move forward with our relationship.

I asked if she has said anything to the kids and she said that after a few days of them asking about me, she finally told them we were taking a break for a little while. I also asked if she told her ex and she said yes, but no details about us. I told her that until she can cut back on her communication with her ex, she will never allow herself to get over their divorce and likewise, he will never have a successful relationship with another girl.

She said that she is trying to deal with everything and that she actually felt better last week knowing that she wasn't having to check in all the time with me. (sidenote: I know she checked in with her ex several times a day)

She asked me if I would please not shut the door on our relationship and at least leave the door open down the road. I told her that I will not wait on her and the only way I could open the door to her again is if we have a transparent relationship. No secret emails, secret texts, etc. and we would have to be open as to how we feel and not let things build up.

She apologized again about emailing the guy that she met a few weeks ago and said that she regrets doing that so bad and is hurt that she did that to me. She said that her friends have told her there must be a reason why she opened up and let this guy in. She followed that up with a few days ago after tennis, a guy she was playing with asked her to friend her on Facebook and she declined. She said that is the last thing on her mind right now.

So, I guess we left it as it's a break up so that she can heal over her divorce and determine if she is ready for a relationship and I am moving forward with my own life. We did agree that we might still grab lunch later on once the dust settles and just see how each other is doing.

Did I mess up?

Not if you follow through, and move on with your life. No telling what will happen later, but at least you are not in limbo now. You are free to heal, and do your own thing, as is she. Whatever that is.

What are your suggestions regarding moving on? I don't have a lot of friends in this town that weren't "couples friends". I'm not opposed to going out on dates right now, but I don't think I'm ready for another relationship with someone else. I also don't want to "use" someone as a rebound girl. How should I communicate to any girl that I may go out with in the near future? I know I can't talk about my ex, but do I say that I recently got out of a relationship? I don't want to scare a new girl off by saying the wrong thing. I really think I need a girl that can just be a friend to me right now. Someone to go to dinner with and hang out with on a friendly basis. Right now, I think going out with a group of friends, girls and guys, would probably be the best thing.

That works, and read the stickies (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/)on this forum. Rebuilding your life ain't easy, but it will bring out the best in you.

I've read all of the stickies and I still have a few questions.
1. Is it wise to ask a girl out within the next week or two? I have a few possibilities, but as I said earlier, I know I'm not ready for a relationship, but would a dinner date hurt? One of the girls I'm thinking of knows that I've been going through some issues lately.

2. When I do go on a date how do I describe my situation without freaking the new girl out? Do I just say that I recently ended a 3 year relationship? I would think that may scare some people off as they don't want to be the rebound. Do I try to be honest and tell them that I'm just looking for friendly dates because I'm not ready for a relationship?

3. I know this is addressed in the stickies, but I can't come to terms with deleting her from Facebook. We haven't changed our status from "in a relationship with *********" When we talked on Sunday, neither one of us was ready to make any changes to FB, because once that happens all of our 300+ friends will see it and the questions will start flooding in. Neither one of us wants that. I don't go through her pictures of us and think back, etc. but it just seems too painful to delete her and I know she feels the same.

QUOTE by Gmoney25;
I've read all of the stickies and I still have a few questions.
1. Is it wise to ask a girl out within the next week or two? I have a few possibilities, but as I said earlier, I know I'm not ready for a relationship, but would a dinner date hurt? One of the girls I'm thinking of knows that I've been going through some issues lately.
I would not be thinking about one on one dating, unless you make it as friends only. Naw, the chances of you being ready for a step like that is almost nil, but socializing is different. Romantic settings are out, as are intimate ones for a while during your adjustment period, for you, and whomever may fall interested in you. Temptation to take shortcuts to feeling better, often ends in disaster, and healing is a slow process, not an overnight event. Baby steps are best one day at a time.


2. When I do go on a date how do I describe my situation without freaking the new girl out? Do I just say that I recently ended a 3 year relationship? I would think that may scare some people off as they don't want to be the rebound. Do I try to be honest and tell them that I'm just looking for friendly dates because I'm not ready for a relationship?
That's one reason why you don't get into intimate, or romantic situations and never talk about your misery, hurt and pain with strangers you don't know well (present company excluded of course). What a turn off, don't you think, caviar and crying don't mix, and be honest, who but the best, most loyal friends will actually care? Even they will have their limits though,


3. I know this is addressed in the stickies, but I can't come to terms with deleting her from Facebook. We haven't changed our status from "in a relationship with *********" When we talked on Sunday, neither one of us was ready to make any changes to FB, because once that happens all of our 300+ friends will see it and the questions will start flooding in. Neither one of us wants that. I don't go through her pictures of us and think back, etc. but it just seems too painful to delete her and I know she feels the same.
Think about this that you tell someone you're single, and they see different on your network page, what a liar you are. Hard as it is, this is something done sooner rather than later. You will have to face your public any way, so you may as well get it over with, and be done with it.

Hope this helps and if you have more questions... shoot.

I wanted to add something that is helping me get through this. There is an awesome song out right now by Sara Evans called "A Little Bit Stronger". It is about someone going through a break up and they are getting a little bit stronger every day. I'm trying to deal with this the best I can and I do feel like I'm getting stronger each day.

Update: I haven't talked to her since 10/30, which is 10 days ago when I went to her house to pick up my stuff. Her kids were there and she went to her 14 y.o. daughters room to tell her I was there. Her daughter was just hanging out in the bed watching TV. When she saw me, she jumped up out of the bed and came running over to me and gave me a big hug. She has never really hugged me before in the past. I lost it and had to leave the room. My ex and I were both crying and she told me that her daughter has been really sad without me around. We went out back and were talking and her daughter came outside and asked if she could sit with us, which of course we said yes. All three of us sat and talked for another 45 minutes. I finally left and haven't talked to her since. I did text her daughter later that afternoon and told her that I will always be someone she can talk to if she ever needs me. She texted back and said she feels the same and that she really misses me. I didn't text her back again.

I did make the mistake of sending her an email on Tuesday, 11/2 (7 days ago). I told her that I feel bad about what her daughter is dealing with having to handle her mom kicking her dad and now another guy out of her home life. I then recalled a few times in which I think she acted inappropriately with other men, by emailing, texts, etc. I said some tough things such as I would never be able to trust her and I should have listened to my friends when they said "if she'll cheat on her husband of 15 years, she'll cheat on you." I know I shouldn't have sent the email, but I was very angry because I found out that she was talking to the guy that she met last month at her competition out of state. The guy lives 1000 miles away. I know I shouldn't care about what she is doing, but it just hurts that she is moving on so quickly. As many have stated in other threads, she probably felt like this is the time to make a change because she met this new guy and now she can take her "break." I ended the email by informing her to change her Facebook status (it still indicated that she and I were in a relationship) as I would be changing mine that day. My intent was to change it in a way that it wouldn't post on our wall's and all of our friends would be sending us emails wanting to know what happened.

Later that afternoon, I saw that she changed it and I changed mine. A few hours later, I sent her a text and said thanks for changing your FB status, I guess you aren't responding to my email. She said that she may or may not and that she is still trying to absorb all of the insults. I responding by saying that sometimes you need to write things down and it felt better to get that off my chest. I have not received any response whatsoever since that text a week ago.

I finally got up the nerve to delete her from FB. I did it on 2 days ago and feel better because now she can't see what is happening in my life. Unfortunately, she doesn't have her FB as private as mine, so I can still view her page, just like I was her friend. I'm trying not to look at it, but I do at least once a day. Last night, one of her best friends that she has been leaning on through this, made a nice comment on a picture of me and my nephew on FB. I'm not trying to read into it, but it seemed odd that this friend would be looking at pics on my page all of a sudden.

I'm trying to move on the best I can. I met a girl for dinner over the weekend. I told her up front that I wasn't looking to get into a relationship right now and the dinner went OK, but I couldn't stop thinking about how much more fun dinner dates were with my ex. It probably didn't help that I really wasn't attracted to this girl, but I just wasn't into the date. I have been talking to another girl who I find very attractive and am hoping to have a date with her later this week.

Each day gets a little bit easier. I think of the negative things that she did in our relationship to remind me that I'm better off now. I also got an ear full from my brother when I told him we broke up. He said a lot of things that he has held back on for the last few years. He absolutely thinks this is for the best.

Another update:
I thought things were getting easier. I actually broke NC and stopped by her house for about 20 minutes to see her 14 y.o. daughter because her daughter has been really sad and wanted to see me. I made sure that while I was there, everything was happy, laughing, etc. with her daughter. I didn't want to end it on a sad/upset situation with her like a few weeks ago. It's not that I feel that I took a step backwards by talking to her.

I signed up on a dating site a few weeks ago, just to meet people to hang out with and grab a few drinks, nothing more. After I had been on the site about a week, I noticed that she signed up too, because she had looked at my profile (you can see who looks at your profile). That was very difficult for me to see, being that she gave the old "I need some time alone with my kids, etc." excuse. After a few days, I IM'ed her on the dating site to say that I'm aware that she is on it and I asked her why if she wants time alone. She said that she saw me on the site and it made her mad so she signed up on it. BS! Anyway, she is a very pretty girl and I know the ratio of guys to girls on this site is like 5:1, so she is getting bombarded with emails from guys. That bothered me, but I was handling it pretty well for the most part.

I recently became aware that she is taking a trip to NY very soon. This is where I go back to day one as far as anger and being extremely upset. I'm 99% sure that she is taking a trip to see the guy that she met on her sports team trip over a month ago. I don't get it... I know I technically have no right to be upset as we are broken up, but damn it makes me furious. Of course, all I can think about is her going to NY and enjoying her nights out on the town with this guy that she met for less than 24 hours last month. It sucks! I try not to think about it, but it consumes me. I'm so hurt by this and it is eating me up inside.

Help! I've read all of the stickies many times. I was doing good until I found out about this trip.

You are going to have your 'moments', and they will get less and less, and eventually, these feelings and thoughts you have will have much less significance. That is the process the human species goes through, to heal, from a loss. And this is a loss. You loved her deeply, and when it came to an end, that is a very difficult reality to face. But the process is not without pain.

Realize that while you still allow yourself to be pre-occuplied with her life, you don't allow yourself to live your own. While you are checking on her Facebook, and contacting her through the dating site, you are not allowing yourself the freedom to enjoy a new relationship, because you still have one foot firmly in the last one. That is not fair to you, it is not fair for any new loves, it is not fair to your ex. Both of you need to leave each other alone, although it seems you initiate all of the contact.

Try to accept,that you need to heal from the relationship. It is over, and you need to try harder to find your footing, without her. Allow yourself the luxury of moving on, but accept that you will have pain, you will have doubts, you will wonder if you did the right thing. These are all normal emotions, and the more you get stuck in that place where you are still bothered by the choices she makes, you will not move forward.

Take the next step, and stop the Facebook checking. I would also advise you to skip the dating sites until you are truly over your ex, and can be honestly forthcoming in a new relationship, without the emotional baggage that you are now carrying around.

The end is a painful process, to anything that is meaningful in your life. Don't allow yourself to keep stewing about all the 'what ifs' and 'what could have been', and instead, keep busy, avoid contact, let her be, and move on.

It's been a little over a month since the breakup. At first, we would talk once a week or so, but I haven't talked to her in almost 2 weeks. It's hard. I found out through the grapevine that she is upset that I went out of town to a game last weekend. She's trying to find out if I went with another girl. She even has her friends spying on my Facebook to get clues (I unfriended her, so she can't see), while at the same time, she was in NY meeting this guy she's been talking to (I don't have 100% confirmation that she met this guy up there, but I'm pretty sure because she made sure that it was a big secret for her to fly up there. Problem is that one of her friends posted something about shopping in NY and I saw it on my FB wall. An hour later, that comment was deleted.)

I don't get it, it just doesn't make any sense. She broke up with me. Why is she so concerned as to what I'm doing? I understand that she's hoping that I'm going to sit around and be her fall back plan while she dates other guys, but I'm not going to do that. I'm trying my best to move on. However, I still find myself thinking of her all throughout the day. I wish I could just delete her from my mind.

I really like that idea. Just hit 'delete', and it's all gone. I wish...

While I cannot speak to why she is behaving the way she is, you are the one posting, and trying to understand her behaviour, so I will direct this only to you.

What you hear, think, read, interject, assume, and guess at, is meaningless. It is a one-way street you have put yourself on, and you keep driving past the exits and stop signs. Because there is no reciprocal relationship going on, you subject yourself essentially to an invisible connection to a person, that does not exist, in real life. You are driving down this one-way street, knocking over garbage cans, yield signs, pedestrians, small dogs, and 'road closed' signs, in your quest to get to your destination. Just what is the destination that is worth this dangerous drive?

And while you continue to put dents in your car, and pay fines for dangerous driving, your ex is on another road. A nice country road, pretty scenery, little ducks on sparkling ponds, happy farmers waving from their golden crops. Every now and then she takes the same autobon route as you do, only enough to set up a few more obsticles, knowing that you will knock them down while you are speeding along, and she gains great satisfaction knowing that she can continue to delay and deter you, from reaching the end of the road.

And you carry on. The whole point is, you need to get off that dangerous highway, lick your wounds, get back into the car, and take a different route. Without roadblocks, without accidents, without detours around dangerous areas.

You can sit and stew until the cows come home, but there will be no answers to your questions, because it makes no more sense to ask the questions about her behaviour, than it does to wonder why you can never reach your destination.

Stop torturing yourself! Get away from Facebook, and give yourself a good talking to. Stop this behaviour, and get on with your life. Let her choices be her choices, without you wondering what it means, and whether it involves you. It doesn't. You are on different roads, heading in different directions.

She could be in NY essentially entertining the entire football team, and it is no longer any of your business. To continue to make her your business, will only prolong the inevitable, and that is, you won't get over her.

Ir will take a while, but just a tip, while you are worrying about what she is doing, you are not doing what YOU should be doing! Really simple, since you know that it will take time, and that time is best spent on YOU.

WHY? Because wondering what she is doing, and with who, is an exercise in futility that can only drive you crazy!!

Jake and Tal, thanks for the answers. I wish I could stop torturing myself with this. The last time we spoke, she was crying and saying that there are times when she wants to just break down and call me to come over. I'm sure there is some truth to that statement, but more than likely it is her way of giving me a nugget of hope so that I stick around.

I agree that I need to get away from FB because I find myself trying to gather info by looking at her friends pages hoping to see just a little something. What are you thoughts about communication with her kids (primarily her 14 y.o. daughter)? Her daughter and I have texted or commented on something on each other's FB maybe once a week at most. It has been initiated by both of us, not just me. She's a really sweet girl.
As sad as it is, I refuse to just cut her daughter out of my life all together. I had a daily relationship with these kids for over 3 years. I don't know if it helps or hurts by occasionally communicating with them. I've never ever asked or said anything about their mom, so I'm not using them to "check in" on their mom.
Advice?

I don't doubt for a second that you care deeply for her children, and that you were a tremendous, positive influence in their lives.

But think hard before you decide anything. With her children being minors, she could very well prevent you from having any contact with them. That you are conversing already with the 14 year old on Facebook, is inappropriate, without her mother's consent.

While you may not use the daughter as a means of finding out what her mother is up to, the same may not be said of her mother, who may use her daughter to keep tabs on you.

If you maintain contact with these children, the commitment is enormous. Children can't count on you one day, and then see you disappear down the road, perhaps when you have children of your own, without consequence to them. While your heart is in the right place, it may be a matter of hurt them now, or hurt them later.

They fit into your life by proxy, sad to say. Had their mother not had chidren, you would not be worried about carrying on a relationship with them. Because your relationship included her children however, that was part of the package deal so to speak. When the relationship broke up, the only person no longer in 'the family', is you.

It is likely that your ex will have other men in her life, fulfilling the role you did, for three years. They may or may not thrive in the same way as they did with you; the 'step father' may be a terrible parent, and an unkind, uncaring person. He may or may not have children of his own from a prior relationship. All difficult, unknown situations, that may happen in their future.

I would keep distance for now. I think that it would be appropriate to send a birthday card, or Christmas card to let them know that you're thinking about them and you hope they are happy. But, to have physical contact with them; taking them out for pizza, or to the movies, is not quite right. Just my own opinion here, but I think it is inappropriate.

Plus, to do more, is to be more involved with your ex. If you wanted to take them out Sunday afternoon, you would have direct contact with their mother, and she would have the final say in any and all contact anyway. You can't have a relationship with the minor children, without having a relationship with their mother. And even if you did, she could yank that away in the blink of an eye when a new man is in the picture.

Maybe if you just play it cool. Keep in touch enough to let the children know that you care about them, but not enough that you have to work arrangements out with their mother.

I personally think that a Christmas Card would be appropriate, but I would cut the Facebook thing, unless you have specific permission from the older ones' mother. No matter what you think of the mother, or how much you care about this girl, you are now, 'only', and ex boyfriend.

That sounds so cold, and I apologize for that.

I guess I need to clarify that I haven't taken them to lunch, etc. since the breakup. Her daughter was upset one night saying that she missed me. My ex actually asked the daughter if it would help her if she was to see me and her daughter said yes. Her mom then asked me if I would stop by two Sunday's ago to see her daughter. I stopped by and was there for about 20 minutes and kept it happy and asked about her cheerleading, etc. The mom said that she would like for me to be involved in their lives somehow. She even said that she could leave the house if I wanted to stop by to see them if that was easier for me.

Not that it matters at this point, but she would never tell me that I couldn't see her kids (her words). I was nothing but 100% supportive of everything those kids did and she knows and respects that. She told me that I was more involved in their lives than their dad. Regardless of what happened with us, she knows how much I love those kids and would never do anything to hurt them, even if that meant not seeing them.

Word to the wise, don't start what you can't finish, and don't make promises you can't keep! Never do that to a child, and since you CANNOT separate and deal with your feelings YET! Leave theme alone. Sadly, and as willing as you think you are, better they get use to you NOT being there, than you half a$$ing this, and them thinking you will always be there.

Update:
Two nights ago, I went to a Christmas event with a group of friends and a girl that I have gone on a few dates with in the last month. As a joke, I posted a picture of a Christmas tree from a museum on my FB as if it were mine. I didn't expect what came a few hours later while I'm at this party. My ex sent me a text that said "That sure was quick. (her daughter) saw that you put up "your" tree. You don't have a tree and it's not your house." I ignored her text for about an hour and she sent me another one that said something about how quickly I've moved on, etc.

I tried to resist and stay NC (it had been 2.5 weeks of NC) but I finally sent her a text back, calling her out on her trip to NY over Thanksgiving. She was surprised to hear that I knew about it, etc. Anyway, we exchange some rather harsh texts for about 30 minutes or so. I got a lot of stuff off my chest that I had been keeping inside over the last month. I blasted her for being selfish and not realizing what impact she is having on her kids.

We ended up talking on the phone for over 2 hours. The first part was anger and bitterness from me to her. She kept asking if I had a girlfriend or not. I told her that I was going out with someone. She said that it seems that I've closed the door on her. Crazy?? I told her that this is what she wanted so it's what she's getting. I'm moving on because I can't deal with her and her issues. She told me that she and her ex-husband rode together a few weeks ago to their son's soccer game and he was a complete jerk, etc. just like when they were married. She realizes that he may have changed for the kids, but not towards her. As she was crying over and over, she said that she thinks about how good I was to her and her kids and how she thinks of us 20 years from now sitting by the pool together and looking back on our lives together. She said that there have been many nights that she cries in bed and wants to call me but she knows that wouldn't be fair to me.

She admitted that she has never had closure over her divorce. I told her that until she stops talking to him multiple times a day, she will never have closure, nor will he. Other than breaking NC, I was okay with how I handled things. I didn't break down. I kept repeating that I'm moving on with my life and I wish her well. She also said that she was hurt that I didn't call her on Thanksgiving. I told her phones make and receive calls and that she could have called me if it was that big of a deal to her.

Last thing: It turns out one of her friends called her about the stupid Christmas tree thing on FB and got her worked up, not the daughter. So, I've removed many of our mutual friends on FB that were more her friend than mine. I feel better after doing that.

Advice and comments are appreciated.

Once again, keep up No Contact. You got a bunch of stuff off your chest, but continuing contact will only build it all back up again. Confusion is not easy to overcome as long as you keep letting it in the door (much like her and her ex-husband are doing).

Both of you are holding on and not moving forward which means that neither of you are healing. You may be dating, but until you fully let the ex go, you are still stuck in the same place. Does that sound familiar?

She shares children with her ex-husband so there will always be a tie there. You don't have that excuse or anchor.

Those darn facebooks are trouble waiting to happen aren't they? Not only are they a great way for people to keep track of you, but also well meaning friends who stir crap by relaying useless info.

But progress is slow, and you have finally taken your privacy, and personal business seriously. As a side note divorce lawyers are using the social networks in their own practices to dig up stuff for their clients to use in court on exes and ex spouses, so manage your life, so things don't bite you in the butt because of a joke.

But I bet you did feel better holding your own rather than caving to emotions, and dwelling on feelings, but look at what NC did after only 2 weeks! Just think of 6 months down the road when you can better stand for yourself, and not fall for just anything.

Things were going pretty well until the breaking of NC last week (she contacted me). It has been a week now since we went NC again. I have a friend that was bar tending at a party on Friday night. He saw her there alone (not that it matters). She approached him for a drink and told him how she really misses me, etc.

As I said, I was doing okay with trying to move on, but it seems like I've reverted back and am thinking about her a lot now. I find myself thinking about things she said last week when we talked. She was upset, crying and talking about how much she misses me and all of the little things that we did on a daily basis like watching our TV shows, going to certain restaurants, etc. I know she's not ready to move on yet. I miss all of those things too. I miss pulling up in the driveway and having her meet me at the door with a kiss and the dogs.

That being said, I think it is best that we spend some time apart, whether we ever get back together. I've been single off and on over the years and I know how it is to be in different relationships. She has historically gone from one long term relationship to the next and has never really just dated for the sake of dating and lived the single life. I think it is something that she probably needs to do to get it out of her system so that one day, she can have a healthy relationship.

I did go out on a date Saturday night and had a great time with another girl. That definitely helps and I hope I can go on a few more dates with her.

I agree and enjoy your dating others.