Bah I can't seem to begin putting this right, it's going to turn out like an essay length sorry...
I know I am not the cleanest person, I do leave things lying around the apartment (Art supplies, dishes, sometimes my pants) but I regularly pick them up when I notice it getting to a bad point. I often re organize the shoes at the front door, I go around picking up my stuff and putting it in order... My problems isn't exactly cleanliness but clutter. I collect a lot of things, I seem to gravitate towards FREE boxes on the side of the road. Our leather couch was free, my easel was free and most of my clothing was free... I basically have a stuff problem... but I keep it in order and try to go through and get rid of what I don't use at least once in awhile.
My boyfriend though... who doesn't wash their hands after using the washroom? Does your boyfriend masturbate and then wipe his sperm off all over the cushion on his computer chair instead of using a ****ing paper towel? It hurts me to think about this stuff.
I can't handle it, if he touches me and the thought happens across my mind that he hasn't washed his hands off all day I feel sick. I've told him this before and explain how it makes me feel. I feel like I'm not getting across to him though, I don't want to be like his mom and nagging him to wash his hands after he ****s. He's not a child I know and I shouldn't feel like I treat him that way but my god... We've been together for nearly 5 years, I keep thinking what if we have kids, will he teach them these habits? AAAAH
I have a germ problem so it freaks me out quite a lot when things get messy... He leaves his dirty socks EVERYWHERE. I mean every goddamn where. I don't know how he does it... today is the day I decided to search for help on this, because it's my day off and I get to clean the house. I literally found 20 socks all throughout the house, on the floor behind stuff under the Tv under his computer under my computer in the hallways with the shoes... and he wonders where they all disappear to! I sweep under his computer... it's filthy, crumbs toenail clippings and a thick layer of dust. I might mention he has horrible asthma and it doesn't help to have that much dust where he spends most of his time =/(My computer area has crumbs too and dust, but not to that degree!)... Now don't get me wrong, I actually LOVE cleaning but he could be doing things that make it not so hard on me. He doesn't clean at ALL. He leaves messes on the counter when he makes himself food, or spills egg all over the stove and doesn't wipe it up. I feel embarrassed. In our last place I didn't care as bad because it was a ****hole, but I spent a long time telling him how excited I was about moving into our new place.. hardwood floors and a nice neighbourhood. Maybe now.. finally I can feel like a normal person who doesn't live in a dusty hellhole. I fear it's going to head in that direction again... he treats this place close to how we did our old, throwing his work pants/clothes onto the kitchen table and walks around the house with his shoes... throwing the socks everywhere... Leaving piss in the toilet bowl so that it smells, and makes it disgusting for me to clean later. It's as if he doesn't even take a second to think of how much I clean this place and how much work I do when I clean it up after him. Back to how he doesn't clean... it's because he can't, literally he just doesn't notice when something is dirty. It's a poor excuse but, I've asked him to clean the toilet and he does... I have to clean it again because it's still covered in that stupid toilet paper dust and hairs and it's making that yellow ring in the bowl...
I just am near a breaking point and with so many times I've talked to him about this... bringing up specifically how much it affects me, how it's a problem for me and not a problem with him but it needs to be addressed. I've said how much would mean to me if he could just throw his dirty work clothes on the floor in the bedroom, not on the table I eat off. I don't care how messy he is in our room because I am too, I throw my clothes all over the floor there and I don't care because that's our area and not where people see or hang out in. His friends come and visit and they think we are slobs (not that they SAY this but I can't tell from how they act in our home) They wash any glass before they drink from it because they don't think we clean them. His friends leave garbage lying around because they don't think we care about leaving our house clean, because my boyfriend is leaving his garbage and dirty clothes all over the place anyway. He sometimes misses the toilet when he goes for a pee and doesn't notice. He says the toilet leaks... it doesn't, I've checked for leaks and when I spend all day home and peeing and flushing it it doesn't leak. It used to happen in our old place too... so I know it's not a leak! I feel like I'm cleaning up after a child, or a dog. This thinking sucks intensely because I love him and I feel guilty about thinking this, in every other respect he is the best boyfriend!
Every morning I get up and feel sad because I walk out my bedroom door and there is a pile of dirty laundry on my kitchen table where I want to have breakfast.
Under all that dirty laundry is magic cards, there is a whole corner of our house taken up by literally 3000 dollars worth of all his and his friends magic cards. I want to get a shelf for that corner so they don't just sit in a pile on the floor... but I can't afford any I've seen so far.
Dishes aren't a problem, we set up a schedule that we follow pretty well... I do them Mondays and he does them Thursday and it's working out well. I have put reminder sticky notes everywhere he or his friends usually leave messes "please wipe off the counter after making food" "please wipe off the oven of egg spatter" "please don't put garbage here, the garbage can is in the goddamn kitchen" (he asked me to do this because he never cleans because he doesn't remember and if I reminded him to then he would... he still doesn't though!) We've done the thing where... we trade chores, he does the stuff I hate and I do the things he hates, or knows he sucks at :P but I still feel like it's not fair... here's our exchange:
He takes out garbage, he makes the bed.
I sweep mop dust tidy and put away things, do laundry clean and scrub the sinks, toilet, bathtub, re organize the shoes in the hallway, clean and disinfect the table/counters... and any other cleaning you can think of.
It just doesn't even out for me, it might if he was a less dirty person making things less dirty for when I clean them... but it's not like that.
Having a messy home no matter how hard I clean it is making me really upset, weighing down on me mentally. I just don't know what to do about it if it's down to his core that he just doesn't care about being clean at all... how can he if it's not an automatic thing to wash your hands after using the toilet! That all his friends sit and **** on too! AAHHH
We are in couples therapy, I was thinking of bringing this up in our session on Thursday... but I just feel so pitiful, getting so upset about what's just mess...
We can't afford a maid every week otherwise that would be what I'd do... I work full time same as him, if I didn't I wouldn't care as much about this cleaning but... ugh
Any help/suggestions/advice would be appreciated on this ): Thanks everyone! Appreciation to any who actually read all this whiney question..

If he's going to act like an animal, then you should keep him in a cage until he is house broken

I read it, and it's not whiny at all! You have a legitimate complaint. It's one thing if he doesn't help much around the house, but it's an entirely different thing if he creates more work for you by leaving dirty clothes on the table (eeewww!), etc.

I live with a slob/hoarder, but at least he doesn't defy my pleas to keep order or deliberately mess up what I just finished cleaning or leave his muddy hiking boots on the countertop.

Yes, bring it up in couples therapy.

Another thing you can do is take him to the zoo. Maybe he is just homesick.

Look Clemintime, what do think you should do. You can't change him but you can change yourself. You want to play nursemaid to this slob, then keep living with him. He's like a two year old and you are his mother. You don't like it, get rid of him. Otherwise, make sure you always have plenty of "Lysol" disinfectant around.

Another thing you can do is take him to the zoo. Maybe he is just homesick.

Haha You're bad John!

I feel terrible about saying this personal stuff about him but I feel there is no other way to explain it all. He really is a good guy in all other aspects&he doesn't do this at other peoples homes or anything. Just in ours =/

Clemintine, why are you with this person? I mean does he care about you at all? OK, assuming he does, this is what you do. You lay down some rules and tell him you expect him to follow them from now on. If he doesn't, tell him you will be moving out. That's it. End of story.

I feel terrible about saying this personal stuff about him but I feel there is no other way to explain it all. He really is a good guy in all other aspects&he doesn't do this at other peoples homes or anything. Just in ours =/
It's good to get it out of your system -- plus none of us will be visiting you and having a snack at your place any time soon. :D

If you are planning to stay with him, you must begin to help him make changes. Start small. Maybe make the socks thing your first attempt. Put cardboard boxes in various strategic places around your house -- in the bathroom, bedroom, living room, etc. Put big signs on the boxes, "DIRTY SOCKS." Let him know how you are trying to centralize the sock retrieval. What consequence would he suffer if he does not put his dirty socks in the box? Or better (like when training a puppy, give treats when he obeys), make your guy's favorite kind of cookies if he throws his socks into the boxes for two or three days (or even give him a reward after ONE day of dirty sock cooperation). Then branch out from there with new "responsibilities" for him.

How does that work for you?

"My boyfriend though... who doesn't wash their hands after using the washroom? Does your boyfriend masturbate and then wipe his sperm off all over the cushion on his computer chair instead of using a ****ing paper towel? It hurts me to think about this stuff."


There is a difference between being a little messy by leaving out beer cans... then, there is this, what you stated.

I think that your feelings are legit.

I too, would get sick of this.

This is something that could either make or break your relationship.

I would talk to him again and set the record straight.

It's good to get it out of your system -- plus none of us will be visiting you and having a snack at your place any time soon. :D

You must begin to set boundaries. That's what's missing. Start small. Maybe make the socks thing your first attempt to set boundaries. Put cardboard boxes in various strategic places around your house -- in the bathroom, bedroom, living room, etc. Put big signs on the boxes, "DIRTY SOCKS." Let him know how you are trying to centralize the sock retrieval. What consequence would he suffer if he does not put his dirty socks in the box? Or better (like when training a puppy, give treats when he obeys), make your guy's favorite kind of cookies if he throws his socks into the boxes for two or three days (or even give him a reward after ONE day of dirty sock cooperation). Then branch out from there with new "responsibilities" for him.

How does that work for you?

Might be less work if you replace him with a real puppy. Good advice, but way too much work. Unless this guy looks like Brad Pitt, and is a super stud in bed, it might be time to live alone.

Wondergirl finds this helpful : Since she loves him and they've been together five years, I thought it was worth a try.


Yeah, I know what you mean . I had a dog once that I loved so much, I put up with his destructive behavior for years. I finally decided that he needed a new home after I discovered that his favorite bone was in my left arm..

It just seems harsh, I can't just throw out or abandon someone who I love and trusted for 5 years and him loving and trusting in me. Not to mention we just signed a lease together for a year =/
I've called him and said I need to have a "ten minute" with him.. our code for we really have something we got to discuss, I mentioned it's something I'm going to bring up in our session but I wanted to see if we can really talk it out first.
I like the idea of putting boxes around with the labels but it is a lot of work haha... our house is so small too that it would clutter up the space more ): It's sort of what I'm doing with the post it notes, maybe they just need to be bigger and brighter.
I feel like I don't exactly have the right to set an ultimatum like: "fix yourself or i'm leaving". We haven't just been in a relationship for 5 years we've been living together that whole time, I was passive and didn't care about the habits because we lived in a cheap place and I had been just as messy sometimes too. We both struggle with depression and it makes some days really hard, in the sense of just doing normal everyday things like cleaning or brushing your hair, getting out of bed etc etc... so things would pile up.
I didn't bring it up for all that time, well I did but in a nagging way not a serious lets talk about this kind of way... I partially blame myself!
It was gross but vowed to change myself and my bad habits, I'm pretty sure I drove myself into becoming OCD about cleaning :P I want to grow up, I want to grow out of being a teenager, I want to feel like a responsible capable adult... feels like this messy home is holding me back.
It's only really become so clear to my attention lately since our move to this nicer place how messy he can be and it's been growing in my mind since as a problem. It's not deliberate either or malicious at all, just extreme laziness (I don't want to make excuses but I think depression plays a part in this) he doesn't even think about it. I also refer to him as a dog or child... in no way is he dumb like a dog or as uneducated as a child, just can be as messy =/ He's really quite smart but... you know how one person can be real good at math and another be horrid at it but make beautiful art? Like that... bad at cleaning and staying clean but very good at other things :P
I didn't beat my mental problems, I still get depressed... but I've found the energy to clean the house at least and I wish he could too, though I think that "energy" is just my overwhelming anxiety =/
Thanks everyone though for your thoughts and advice... I think I really needed to hear some of this and I appreciate it.

My strategy for house-training messy people, used in the past on my husband and both my teenagers effectively, though they weren't in your chap's league:

They don't notice the mess until it affects them, so you have to find ways to make it their problem.

Any dirty clothes, belongings left lying around, cushions stained with anything by them, etc, grab it all and throw it in black plastic sacks. Find an out of the way storage area (under-stairs cupboard, garage, spare room whereever). Deposit black sacks in there and forget about them.

Do not wash or iron their laundry.

Then look around and decide what mess bothers you personally. Clean it to a standard that you are happy with. Any of their mess that doesn't bother you - leave alone.

Eventually those items in the black sacks will be missed. So you say you didn't have time to put all his stuff away properly and he will have to go sort through the sacks to find what he wants.

I don't know if your chap is too far gone but when my brood got into bad habits a dose of making them the ones to suffer for their messiness worked wonders. Any situation get creative on making it his problem not yours if he made the mess as much as possible.

Good luck.

Clemintine, it's going to be all right. If the man loves you and you love him, so what if he's a little messy. The important thing is that you are happy together. Don't listen to my sarcastic comments, I would love to have a woman in my life that I loved. I would follow her around with a vacuum cleaner if I was happy with her in every other way. Just try to get him to meet you half way.. See if he will help you around the house and you try not to be such a neat freak. Life is full of compromise, and that's what makes some relationships work, and others don't.

Hi, I'm going through the same thing with my boyfriend. It's insane. Every single thing you mentioned hits right close to home for me. I don't have any advice or suggestions, as I'm just 22 and figuring out how to deal with all this myself. I just wanted to offer up that NO, you are not alone in this kind of ordeal an NO its not normal for someone to live in this kind of filth.

Seeing as how this question was asked 2 years ago, are you able to let me know whatever happened with this situation or can help me understand/deal with my boyfriend?

You cannot change the way he is. I would recommend leaving him to ease your mind, no one likes to live under those conditions, and if he doesn't have enough respect for you to be mindful of HIS mess, then it is time to move on. He will eventually learn, or maybe he won't, but after all, it won't be your problem anymore.

Oh! I wandered away from askme for awhile. I've returned, and I've found this just now. After struggling and struggling, I've realized a few things, and a few major things, that would never work between us. I broke up with this guy just at the beginning of 2012, and I can tell you it was the very right choice for me. Something that's really striking me now is, wow, why did I get into that heavy of a relationship when I was 18? I'm going to effing change. I won't want the same thing at this age that I wanted when I was 18, clearly. I now feel free. I can grow and change and do whatever now, and experience life as I'm young. I'll let myself figure out how to be happy on my own before I jump into another relationship, and that may take years, but I'm so okay with it. It's weird to say, but I'm so glad I've moved on, and let myself explore other options! I hope things get better with your guy, or that you've jumped out of your comfort zone too gb620. Thank you to everyone who gave me feedback and input on this, I do appreciate it, and I guess I just had to learn on my own and reach rock bottom with him before I really knew what I needed to do.

Thanks for coming back to give us an update. Too often we never hear the end of the story.

Maybe stick around and give others the benefit of what you've learned?

Thanks for coming back to give us an update. Too often we never hear the end of the story.

Maybe stick around and give others the benefit of what you've learned?

I will try! I'm not so often near the computer as I used to be, but I do like this site, and I want to help where I can.