I was introduced to a man who is 53 and divorced with 3 kids. He claims his wife just woke up one day and said I cannot live like this anymore. He said she didn't explain which I find hard to believe. When I asked him if they had sex in their marriage he said it wasn't important. He then dated a woman with a 4 year old son for 4 years. Taking the train from New York every weekend for 2 hours and then drive another hour and he claims they didn't have sex and he slepton the sofa all those years. They got engaged and then had sex. He said the engagement was a bandaid and then she ended it and got married soon after. He then spent 4 years not dating. He is always at bars and is very social. For our first date he invited me to lunch the next day and said he would call in the morning. He never did. When he called again I didn't bring it up. Then he asked me to dinner and didn't call till 4 that afternoom to say he was at work but was hpoeful we would have dinner. Then he sent a text that 7 was a no go. That's it. He didn't even offer to meet for a late drink. I tried to call him and he didn't answer or even text. I text him the next day that I was not mad and understood. He text back that he would make it up to me a hundred times over. We finally had a date and it was great. But he said some strange things for a first date like a relationship has to be easy and he told me how mney he had saved which was not much but that was not important to me at the time. It was our first date. He called and text every day. Said he didn't want to go a day without seeing me and he would stop by most every day. After one month he told me he loved me. I didn't repond. Then a week later he said he not only loved me but was in love with me. He asked for a photo of me for his office. So I gave him one and he said it created quite a stir because one had never been there before. I had never seen his condo and on one date we were near where he lived and I asked to see it and we went there and shared some wine. He gave me a tour and said things like this is the bathroom where you will shower. We had not had sex yet and he never made a move on me. So I said do you want to show me your bedroom again and we went into the bedroom and he said he had performance anxiety. I didn't know what to do or say since had never happened to me before. Anyway he just trird to start to penetrate me and my thong was still on. All the time he was inside me he moaned as if in pain and shuttered. I was so confused I don't remember if he came. We continued to see each other all the time for 3 months he talked about the future and implied marriage. I still had to initiate sex and we never had foreplay. He never touched me sexually. And he continued to shutter. We probably had sex 5 times in 4 months. I am divorced and my husband and I built a beach home prior to our marriage. Since it was in his name it is not mine but I can use it. I invited my boyfriend to come for the week several weeks prior and he said yes he had not taken a vacation in years because there was no one to take one with. He introduced me to his grown children very quickly and my kids loved him. My youngest daughter who is 11 kept asking if he was coming to the beach and he said he would visit. When it came time to go he came down Saturday night and left on Sunday at 2. He previously said he would stay. He didn't even bring a bathing suit. When it was time for bed on Saturday night (my kids were asleep) he said just give me a sofa. I said he could sleep with me and he said no because there were children in the house. I gave him the guestbed room. After I put on my night gown I went into his room and lay down beside him and he did nothing so I left. The next morning as we walked on the beach he seemed distant. Then he said life is complicated and you think I mean you and it's not you. He said I am not your typical guy I don't want to jump your bones and you don't know what to do with me. I told him he was right that most guys I had to beat off with a stick but that it was refreshing to be with someone not like that. He left and then called angry because he got caught in traffic going home. I was shocked because he never got mad before. Then for 4th of July I invited him to the country club both me and my ex belong to for dinner and fireworks. He said yes. Then 2 day before emailed me he couldn't go with no explanation. He had never emailed me before. When I called he said he was at work and I would get mad at him so we would talk later. Later he said that one of his friends heard about my invitation and they told him he was going to the club on my ex's nickel and that it bothered him. I didn't get mad. The next day he called me and text me multiple times within 45 minutes, When I was finally able to return the call he said he went home sick he thought with swine flu. I told him to see his doctor and he said he would just call the next day. He said is doctor said just to rest. This was Wednesday. On Saturday he said he went out to hit a few golf balls and I asked if he wanted to go to the movies with friends he said no. On Sunday I called and he didn't answer and then I text and he didn't respond. My girlfriend text him during that time and he responded. I was worried so I went to his condo to check and be sure he was all right. He buzzed me in but he didn't know it was me. I had only been there once and got off one floor below. Then as was walking down the wrong hall the elevator opened and he stepped out. It was like he went looking for who ever was visiting without letting them get to the door. He told me to remember he was on the next floor up. I told him I was worried about him alone and with no family here. He didn't seem happy to see me but it had been 6 days see we saw each other and I wanted to help take care of him because by now I was in love too. I asked if he mind that I visit and he said just for a few minutes. I felt very uncomfortable and he said when he is in the hospital he doesn' t like visitors and said look at me. He looked fine to me. I offered to make him dinner and he said no. That night he told me he made dinner for himself and his daughter who came home to visit. I was hurt I couln't help or was invited because the three of us had been together before and she and I really hit it off. I saw him 2 days later and he said he never wanted to sleep alone again but he never invited me to his condo and he rarely stayed at my house. Then he told me he had a family reunion coming up in August and I had a weekend planned at the beach again but I would change it to the following week to be able to go to the reunion. A friend invited us to go to the beach at her house the weekend before the family reunion and he said yes. He is all about anything free. The next day he said we shouldn't go because he was probably going to the family reunion the next weekend. I didn't say anything but it sounded like I was not going now. He said he didn't want to go and he would just go Friday night stay for the lunch and come back to see me on Saturday night. Well he didn't call the whole weekend only text and that was not like him. He said he was having fun and would be back Sunday. He never called Sunday. Monday morning I text him to see if we could get together that night to tell me about the reunion. He said yes. Later that week we agreed to go out one night and at 4:30 he called and said he was at an office an hour away still. I said OK are we off for the night and he said no he was hoping to get out soon. I didn't hear from him again until 8:30. He said he was on his way home and I asked if he was coming over and he said he was contemplating it and would call back. I waited till 10:00 and called him and he didn't answer. So I sent a text that we needed to talk. He called right away. I told him that I understood he had to work but he needed to take my feelings into consideration and he should have just cancelled at 4:30 or called when he said he would and not leave me hanging. He apologized and said he would do better and he didn't want to lose me. The next night he made a point of taking me out. When we got home I reminded him of the weekend at the beach I had assumed he was coming. He said he was going to Long Beach Island with friends. When was he going to tell me. I said I thought you were coming to the beach, he had just been away the weekend before. He stood up and said I wouldn't come to the beach even if I had nothing else to do. I was shocked and hurt. So I stood up walke across the room to sit down and said that's it. He said he didn't want to be forced to do something he dind't want to do but we would work out the weekend tomorrow and he tried to kiss me but I would not kiss him back and he left. The next day we talked and he said it was stressful the night before and I apologized and said the right thing for him to do was to go away with his friends and I would be more understanding going forward. I was under stress as the next day I was meeting my exhusband to discuss a very ughy property settlement. He apologized and said he assumed things, was not a planner and flew by the seat of his pants. I thought everything was fine. I invited him over Wednesday and he said he was in a meeting that should get out early and he would call me. He never called. At 11:00 that night I text him to see if he was OK and he said he was sorry he worried me but he had to help a friend who's father had gone to the hospital. He said he would call the next day Thursday and he never did. We were both leaving town on Friday and we had not seen each other or spoken much all week. Friday morning he text me that he owed me a hug and when was I leaving for the beach. I text back that I wasn't and would he call. He called right away and was agitated. I asked what was wrong and he said why are ewe fighting and that he didn't want to do anything he felt so bad. I said did I do this to you and he said it was work and teaching. I asked why he didn't call all week and he said he was anti conflict an thought we needed time to decompress. I think we should have talked as opposed to avoid. I had no idea he was so upset. He said we were rolling along just fine until then and we needed to get back to center. He agreed to come over right after he cleaned up to give me a hug. I waited over 4 hours and he didn't call or show up. I finally tried to call him and he didn't answer. I text with no answer. I sent another text about when he was coming and he text he was tied up and to go do whatever I had to do. I went to the beach with my children and text him that and that I didn't want to lose him and lets work it out. He text that he stopped for a hug but missed me and that I was not going to lose him nor him me. He text me that night that he should be happy and wasn't and that life is good but to short. The next morning he text goodmorning. I didn't respond I figured he needed his space. The next morning I text goodmorning and he did with an exclamation point. The next day I asked him to call and he did not respond. The next morning he text he just got my message to call and he was walking the beach. I text back to call and share how our weekend was going and he didn't respond. The next day I text him I was leaving the beach and I loved him. No response. I knew he was due back to work on Wednesday so I wrote him a note a got a single red rose and was going to leave it on his car at his office and text him to check his car. When I got to his office his car was not there so I left it with the receptionist for him and text him I left him something at work. He said in a meeting thanks talk to you later. By 3 that afternoon I heard nothing so I text him if he got the rose and he text back it was a first. He called me later and said never do that again it was a nice gift but embarrassing as his office is a sespool of runors. But everyone knew about me and I thought it was a romantic jesture. Guess I was wrong. He told me that night he was going to a bar to see his guy friends not come see me that we had all weekend. I heard he told the guys I was like a stalker coming to his office. I couldn't believe it! I tried to see him that weekend but he was non responsive. If we loved each other we should want to talk, work it out and be together that's what I thought anyway. He kept cancelling all the times we planned to get together to talk. After one month of trying to see him we finally met and he said it was a shame because he was a lover not a fighter and he liked sex and I liked sex and our kids liked each other. I said can't we work this out it was so good and he said let him call me for a date. I tried staying in touch and extended invitations and he refused most of them but would always say just relax we will be fine. He went from hot to cold over night. Can you really do that if you really love someone? I know I can't turn my feelings off like that. Later a male friend of his and mine said by ex boyfriend was gay because he never wanted sex with me and a man who is openly gay perks up whenever myboyfriend comes to their office to visit. Everyone says it was him not me because he can't handle conflict. How do you get to be 54 now and not handle conflict? I was told by one of his male friends that my ex boyfriend has a shelf full of ladies thongs that he wears and a ladies crotchless fishnet bodystocking. I was shocked. But I remember once I said to him when we were happy and driving to dinner isn't it nice to have a pretty girl sitting next to you and his response was much better than a young boy... juck! He has not dated anyone and says he gave up on dating. My girlfriends think he is a closet gay and dated me as a cover because he insisted I go to 2 parties that involved the senior men above him at his 2 jobs and when he realized I was in love he needed to create a mountain out of a mole hill to get out. My questions are two. If he loved me wouldn't he want to work it out it was not that big a deal in my mind to end something so good we really had fun together. My second question is do you think he is gay or maybe a man who wants to be a woman? He also manscapes and I don't know who for since he never has sex.

He said she didn't explain which I find hard to believe

After everything you've been through, it is not hard to believe. Some things don't require an explanation. He doesn't appear to be able to love a woman or a man.

Patti---Do it really matter at this point. He isn't worth anymore of your time. He is what I call an "Avoider". Those are the type that avoid any commitment. They play the game, but that's all it is to them a game to be played over and over. Its only normal that you fell for him, you are going through a bad time and felt alone. You're a smart woman, you probably would have noticed how he turned the role of who was pursuing whom rather quickly. Also when a relationship gets to were we are depending on getting a text rather then hearing a voice over the phone, don't you think we have already lost some of our ability to communicate properly. Im not saying that texting is all bad, but it replaces our one on one communication that's wrong.
I wouldn't waste anymore of my time on this poor excuse. You already know that you can make it on your own, and that you have a lot to offer as a woman. Never sell yourself short. We learn,We apply,We succeed!! Good luck

I don't know whether he is gay, or not, but in love with you he ain't. At least not enough to change, or work with you, to build something meaningful, or special.

Convenient is the word that comes to mind.

Why does my boyfriend not want sex with me but talks about how much he wants it and how he wants to do me and yet always avoids time with me alone? I found out he wears a ladies crotchless fishnet bodystocking and didn't tell me yet he says he loves me. He is conflicting because he said" life is complicated and he is not the average guy and does not want to jump my bones" and I don't know what to do with him. Why do you think he wears the bodystocking and says he doesn't want to jump my bones? Does he mean he never wants sex?

How long have you two been together?

Some people have fetishes. Maybe he's got a thing for wearing the stockings. And how do you know he wears them if he didn't tell you himself? The only thing you can do is talk to him. Honesty, openness, and trust are all important parts of a relationship.

No one here or anyone else can tell you exactly why he wears ladies stockings or if he really never wants sex. We can only guess, he's the only one who can tell you for sure.

My boyfriend never initiates sex or touches me sexually. First time we had sex I initiated it and he said he had performance anxiety there was no foreplay but he was hard so he started to try to penetrate me anyway and my thong was still on. That is how unaware of my body he was and then he moaned as though it was painful and he shuttered terribly the whole time. I thought it was so strange that I don't even remember if he came. He avoids being alone with me and won't sleep at my house because he said I have kids in the house but they are asleep. We are in our early fifties not kids anymore. He lives alone in a condo and that is where we had sex and he never invites me over so we can have alone time. We were invited to go away with friends for the weekend and he said yes and then called the next day and said he didn't want to go. He jokes about having a "nooner" so one day when he was only working half a day and my kids were not home I invited him over for the "nooner" he said he would call and he never did or show up. Then he went home to a family reunion and didn't take me. The next weekend he was invited to the beach by his best friend and his wife and didn't take me. But he made sure I accompanied him to 2 parties one hosted by his boss and the other a potential future boss. He also very quickly introduced me to his grown children and they all said to him "way to go dad!" He also made sure I met all his male friends. I sometimes think I am for show and he either doesn't like or want a sexual relationship with me for some reason. I am worried he may be a closet gay and is protecting his secret and using me to deflect gossip about why he had not been seen with a woman for 4 years. He also told me he always controls when he sees me which I don't believe is fair in a loving relationship I should be able to extend invitations too don't you think? I am very beautiful and have a great body. He always tells me that and how much he loves me and is in love with me. Before me he didn't date for 4 years and before that dated a woman for 4 years and didn't have sex with her and slept on her sofa. He stayed at her place only on the weekends because he lived in another city 3 hours away and he needed a place to stay when visiting her and he is cheap. Also she lived close to his children so he could see them on the weekends when he stayed with her. She ended the relationship and got married right after they broke up. Before that he was married for 20 years and when I asked him if he had sex in his marriage he said it wasn't important. I said sexual intimacy between a man and a woman is important and all he said again was it was not important. His wife woke up one day and said she could not live like that anymore and left him for another man. He claims it was because he traveled. What do you think is going on? Do men really think it is not OK to have sex if children are in the house and asleep and they see him a lot as he always comes to my house and they have grown to love him? Could he be gay or maybe even want to be a woman since he wears women's thongs and crotchless fishnet bodystockings? He also said he is conflict adverse and a relationship has to be easy. I love him and we have great fun together as he is very social as am I. I am very confused I never met anyone like this and wish to be physically close at least snuggle with him. Help me understand this man??

I don't think he wants to settle down with you. He certainly can't make a commitment, so he is trying not to lead you on. You look at sex as a way of showing your love and devotion to him. It seems he is not ready for that, so keeping his distance is his way of not getting too close.

Is it fair in a love relationship that the man has complete control over when he sees you and you are expected to have non?

Is it fair in a love relationship that the man has complete control over when he sees you and you are expected to have non?

Not at all!

That's when I would say "bye bye".

Do not ever confuse having a man that is a "take charge" kind of guy, and someone that is controlling. Two different things. A take charge guy is very protective of you and makes you feel secure. A man that "controls" you will make you feel insecure and fearful so that he can manipulate you to do what he wants. That man will fill you with guilt, and you are better off without him.

Originally Posted by Pattii
Is it fair in a love relationship that the man has complete control over when he sees you and you are expected to have non?

No

Pattii, after readying all your posts, I hope you realize that you're wasting your time with this weirdo, freaky fellow, and should be running for the hills, and never look back. I do mean now and in a hurry. You are way to old to be clueless, or foolish with your feelings or body.

Why would you waste your time with this fruit loop?

Why do you keep posting the same thing?
Are you hoping to get an answer that your happy with?
That's not going to happen as I'm sure your aware of by now.

Move on... The wife did.

Patti

You have been given some very sound advice. You also know that your not alone as far as going through a bad relationship.
However if you continue to stay in this relationship, still allowing him to have control of that leash around your neck, then you have obviously made a choice, so you need to stop complaining and live with that choice.