I am a 56 year old woman. I have treatment-resistant depression which stems from bipolar disorder. I have struggled with depression on and off since I was 21 years of age. In 1998 it was discovered that I have bipolar disorder with disabling depressions. I once had a very successful business and marriage. Since 2002, I no longer could hold onto my business or marriage, my clients and my husband left me. I had to file bankruptcy from the enormous bills amassed from overspending to save my business. I have had some hospitalizations that were less than adequate to say the least, and have worked with the same psychiatrist for 15 years. I have tried every medicine under the sun. My last "hospitalization" (and I use this turn loosely) was a nightmare. I was carted off to a rehab center which housed criminals and hardcore drug addicts. I was treated so horrible that to this day I still have nightmares. They did not inform my psychiatrist or primary care physician that I was taken away after being shoved off to the side in a hospital gurney then psych. Ward for 62 hours before being transported to this place which was in another county (against my will). This happened in 2004 shortly after Central Florida was hit with three consecutive and devastating hurricanes. This facility was unfit for both patients and staff members. There was mold and the carpets were still damp from the flooding. I have terrible allergies (particularly to mold and also suffer from fibromylagia and chronic pain). My stay there only added to my illnesses and I have never truly recovered from this egregious experience. I am thankful that I was only there for 5 days. I was also recovering from surgery. They took away all my medications including antibiotics and salve for scarring resulting from nasal surgery complications performed 6 months earlier. They preyed on my fear and broke my spirit. I have since suffered from severe anxiety and PTSD as a result of this; and to this day still have recurring nightmares. There is something so wrong with the way people are treated with mental illness by our healthcare system, particularly individuals who cannot afford descent health care and are forced to only rely on SSI: Medicare and/or Medicaid which I have been on (disability) for 6 years. It is a disgrace and travesty.

I have been withdrawn and isolate myself from everyone, including my family. Suffice it to say that I suffer from the stigma of this disease as many people to who find themselves in similar situations. I am referred to as a "wacko" among other things from relatives that I haven't seen in many years.

It is hurtful to see that close family members who have suffered with tangible illness such as cancer or diabetes are taken seriously and treated with compassion. My sister who had breast cancer 9 years ago (she is since cancer free) was showered with a ton of attention. I would rather loose a limb than feel like this (suffering from confusing mania and mostly unbearable depressive episodes that plague me constantly).

My psychiatrist has treated me probono. My treatment last 15 minutes or so, and he usually doles out various prescriptions. He has been treating me for bipolar disorder and anxiety for many years as Medicare insurance falls short when treating most people with this devastating illness. However, this does not include psychotherapy and other treatments which are not available to treatment-resistant individuals like me who suffer from intense depressive episodes. I have recently discovered that this mental health care facility will no longer offer probono. They gave me very little warning that they were going to do this. I am relying more and more on my narcotic pain medicine to dull this emotional and physical pain. I know that this is not a good thing, but I find it hard to stop because of late as I just want relief from the profound despair and hopelessness that I feel on a daily basis. I am terrified that I am doing this.

I truly believe that with the right treatment I could finally leave my home and live a fairly normal life. I do not know what normal or joy feels like anymore. I barely wash, or get out of bed - the sadness is unbearable most of the times and I know that it is getting worse. I feel like this disease will eventually kill me. I feel that my family does not take this illness seriously and I know that they could do more to help – God know that I asked. I feel so hopeless - I need help so badly, and my only wish is that I could have the opportunity to get into a proper facility that offers compassionate care and other treatments that are not available to me. However, because of my money situation (I live on 1,100.00 a month which barely pays my expenses, i.e. rent, food and utilities). My dream is the chance to have the choice to get the proper help I need – but the obstacles with respect to how much these facilities cost, that offer these treatments, are not available to me. I want to work and function like a normal person, and I believe that with the proper treatment I will be able to be that person.

Sincerely,

Pamela Knoblauch

Well,I don't understand the diagnosis of 'treatment resistant depression', that sounds like a non medical term to me.. but who am I, I am just another bipolar sufferer who has been under the treatments you have been under for as long as you have been under them.

I changed doctors.It was as simple as that.

I went from certain places to other places, states to states,but in the end,after 8 years of the same treatment team,all the changes in medications,all the differing therapies, counseling,etc. I made a change that made sense,even to my support group, 2 of them actually changed to the doctor I see today as well,and have never done better.

You'd be surprised how little people can live on and make a life for themselves.I am not at liberty to discuss my income on here,but I know of many around here that live on less than you do and somehow seem to not only ave enough,but a surplus each month.

Taking personal responsibility for your own recovery is priority one.

Nobody is going to hand you a clean bill of health.No one is going to insist that you go forth and be all you can be,even in a limited capacity.It's entirely up to you.

We(me and many of the others I know with bipolar,depressive illnesses,PTSD,ADHD,Psychotic disorders,etc)all have some things we can accomplish,some things we are really good at.Most aspire to be a victim.:(

Don't be a victim.

If your life needs changed,make the change.Stop isolating,stop telling yourself you CAN'T do it because you can.

You can start with a clinic,a church,a local psychiatric hospital,tell them you are thinking clearly and you want to make a change,one that you will work for the betterment of your life,a change that up to now,has not been available.YOU WEREN'T READY.. but you are now.

First step is the hardest.Don't stumble,don't look back,just do it.

If you are living on $1100.00 a month then that is a lot better than what some people live on especially in the area I live in where we have the highest unemployment in our state. I know of people that have kids and have less than that a month. Try some of the free services that may be avaiable in your area and remember you are the one in control! Good luck!

To Pam-I have almost the exact mental problems as you!Wow! To hear someone who has B.D. and other psych ailments, reaffirms that I'm not alone.I'm 46 yr. old female,bipolar w/mania,borderline personality disorder and a few more W/ a possible diagnosis of fibromyalgia,way too much chronic pain, the stereo-typing'oh,Connie's just crazy!' 'Her mother did it to her... 'ETC.. all the narc. Pain meds;now it's Methadone for chronic pain.I'm sick of the pills, the dr.s who don't know jack-wanting human guinea pigs to test new psych meds... and being a disabled veteran,they REALLY love using us to test drugs.People who comment on how you should be happy with what you have... ain't good enough anymore.Having nothing is just that. Having nothing.Barely getting by SUCKS!Not being able to breathe because of debt and/or not having enough of whatever; just doesn't work.There has to be more.I,too,want more.I too, want 'normality'-whatever that is... however,I do enjoy being unique!Pam,pick a day, and just walk out of your place, and breathe in deep.Feel the sunshine on your face absorb the warmth and answers will come.It sounds weird,but this helps me sometimes.Good luck,sweetie!BIG HUG!! (happy face!)Love Connie