Hi guys. Just as many others on this website, I've been dumped by my long term girlfriend (3.5 years)... It's been comforting reading about everyone's break up issues on here (not because I'd wish anyone to go through this, but because it's nice to know that I'm not alone... ). I'm currently in limbo and was hoping to get some opinions about the situations I'm in and what I should do next. Thanks in advance guys!

I started dating my ex in April 2007, after just coming out of a 6 year relationship. Bad move as in hindsight, I wasn't over my previous girlfriend. In October 2007, I broke up with my ex and got back with my previous (6 year) girlfriend for a few months, then dated ANOTHER girl as well for a few months. I was young, immature and stupid.

Eventually, in August 2008 I got back together with my ex. She was obsessed with me the whole 10 months we were apart, and I put her through HELL.

Since then, she has suffered from extreme jealousy and trust issues over my previous girlfriend (the one I was with for 6 years). I knew I was over her, but my ex was never convinced and I did little to comfort her. For example, I never told my previous girlfriend to disappear, as I thought that the most mature way to respond when she tried to contact me was to IGNORE her and not respond at all. I also didn't tell my ex every time my previous girlfriend contacted me, not because I wanted to hide anything, but because it would result in crazy arguments. My ex would cry for days and we'd have terrible arguments over my previous girlfriend, but I stubbornly thought I knew how to deal with things and ignored my ex's wishes. The thing is, I'm a genuine person and there is NOTHING going on with any other girls. I just handled the situation badly.

It's probably worth mentioning that my ex and I get on REALLY well as people, which is why we got together in the first place. We never run out of things to talk about, and just enjoy being in each others' company when we aren't arguing about her trust or jealousy issues. The arguments and fights were pretty ugly though..

Basically, the reasons she gave me for the break up were:

1. Extreme resentment and anger over leaving her in 2007 for my previous girlfriend.

2. My inability to make her feel secure, and convince her that I was over my previous girlfriend. She feared I would eventually leave her.

3. Loss of respect for each other - we had some pretty ugly fights.

4. Undermining her intelligence and feelings, by not telling my ex to F- off.

4. The doubt resulting from the above 3 points, that I'm the one she wants to spend her life with.

5. (This one I've added in through my own judgment): Loss of attraction to me as a person, as I've been working and studying a lot this year and have been REALLY stressed out and not my usual self.. Haven't shown appreciation for her etc.

I'm pretty sure I screwed this one up. This girl was devoted to me in a big way (we had plans to get engaged, have kids etc), and I took her feelings for granted.

After the initial break up a month ago, I didn't contact my ex. She called me 4 days later and we met up. I made big mistakes that week as I cried and begged her to take me back. Obviously, this pressured her which wasn't good. However, there was one positive thing that happened that week - I called up my previous girlfriend and told her to get over me and get out of my life. My ex was happy with that, but it was probably too little too late. She said, "If you had made that phone call a year ago, we wouldn't be where we are today...".

That week we hung out, she was saying things like:

"I'm confused. I don't know what I want anymore."
"All the arguing and resentment has made me feel like I should just be single and independent".

My ex went to Canada for 5 weeks at the end of August to visit some friends. She slept over the night before she left (we didn't have sex) and we fell asleep in each others' arms... I believe there are SOME positive signs.. :

1. She hasn't moved all her stuff out of my apartment as she said it would be 'too final', and she wasn't sure what she wanted yet. She has so much resentment and anger, but there is such a genuine bond between us.

2. Although we have broken up for real (ie. This isn't just a break), she says she has considered the possibility of us being together after her trip to Canada. She is using the time away to work herself out and see if she can get over her resentment etc.

3. Ever since she's been away, I haven't initiated contact once. She's text me 3 times to see how I'm doing and how our cats are doing (all the contact was friendly, not couply), and I've replied friendly and nonchalantly each time.

In the meantime, I'm getting on with my life as if she has left for good. I've taken up my old hobbies, been going out with friends and re-decorated my apartment etc. I honestly think I'm doing OK considering this life-changing mess I'm in. There are major down times, but what can you do... But I'm only human... I do wonder about whether we will get back together, and I really hope we do because I love her dearly.

Any opinions on this situation? I'm not concerned about being played for a fool... She's been upfront about her feelings and reasoning, and I know if I moved on she wouldn't try to get me back out of jealousy. I'm just trying to maximise my chances of getting back with her. Is there any chance?

Thanks for any opinions guys :)

Can't say as I blame your girl for being insecure the way you seem to have bounced back and forth, between her, and previous exes before. And keep them in your life, seemingly just in case. That's not good for any relationship, even though you did the same with her.

Have you ever been single for any length of time without a steady female for love and romance? Even now you sit and wait for the last one to return. I mean do you really have to have a female with you to love yourself?

Seems to me that the unhealthy part is you say your acting like she may never come back, but she certainly is controlling things from afar, and stopping you from moving on, and really getting your life together. She dumps you, but leaves her stuff because taking it with her would be to final? Why did you allow that to happen?

Now you can wait to see how she feels when she gets back, and make some better adjustments for a second chance, but the way I see it is that you could also make a clean break of it and stay out of limbo by staying single and explore your other options and opportunities.

It all depends on what you want for yourself looking forward. Do you really know what that is?? It would help if you knew the direction you wanted your life to take, and not wait and see what someone else wants from you.

I think there is a chance of getting back together. But I always think there is a chance, as in anything is possible. I also think that she has some serious resentment and anger issues in regards to how she perceived she was treated and I do not see that going away anytime soon. A trip to Canada doesn't cure that type of thing. She is scarred and the wounds seem to be very deep. Even if you two reconcile, I can imagine a long and complicated and painful process of her trying to forgive you. If that occurs, would it be worth it?

I also hope you don't have a different outlook and are taking anything she says or does the wrong way because you want her back. You made mistakes and you will learn from them. From what I gather, she wants to be alone for the time being, and I think she should be. I don't believe in maximizing your chances of getting back with an ex, I believe in maximizing your chances of being happy and learning from past experiences. If living like that brings your ex back, then you decide what you want from there.

I almost question whether it is best that you are on your own for awhile, to concentrate on your studies and to figure a life out that doesn't revolve around an ex, or another ex, or another.

Hi guys thanks for your replies. I know what you're saying and it all makes perfect sense.

It's true that I haven't spent much time being single over the last 10 years or so, and part of me is actually excited about the possibilities single life may offer. The greater part of me loves her though... I know it's not healthy to be 'waiting' for her to make up her mind, and I am doing my best to work my life out without her in it. I'm trying to follow that self help advice of improving myself, being happy with myself etc. But in the current situation, and considering how much I love her, I find it impossible to COMPLETELY move on without giving her a thought. Until she gets back and indicates to me that she has no interest whatsoever in trying to work things out, isn't that normal?

I've certainly learned from my mistakes and won't be making the same ones again. Kctiger, you're absolutely right in saying her wounds are deep.. She mentioned that if she were to meet me today, I'd be everything she would want in a guy, but she finds it impossible to forgive and forget after years of hurt. I honestly think it would be worth the effort to work it out, if it could be worked out. I screwed up with someone I love dearly, and I would love nothing more than to make up for it.

Talaniman, I let her leave her stuff here because I guess I was weak at the time and saw that as a positive sign? It's certainly not good for my mental health, so I boxed it all up and out it in the attic! Also, I didn't want to seem like an immature jerk by forcing her to take everything straight away... Yep, that's that part of me which is doing things for her rather than focusing on myself. In my defense, this was 4 weeks ago before she went to Canada! About having to have a female around, after considering things over the last few weeks, I don't think I NEED one. If it's not her, I'll be single for a while for sure. But I guess I want to be with her. I'm 25, and this is someone I had planned a life with... I can't just switch from that to the bachelor mindset that easily...

I guess all I can do now is focus on myself and wait. Thanks so much for your replies :)