I intercepted a 5 page letter my wife of 20 years wrote to her old boyfriend. She told him that she loved me for the man, husband and father I am but will 'always but always love him'. She said to him that she can't 'give herself to me 'totaly' because she still loves him so much'. He lives across the country and seldom comes home to visit his family. I don't think they have been intimate physically but it's obvious her heart belongs to him. What the heck should I do?

How long ago was this letter written?

Feb 16th. She also sent him a Valentines Day card. I approached her about it and she said 'I didn't understand the type of relationship they had'. She admitted they had emailed and also text/called each other. She said she would show me all her phone records and email. I gave 7 months already and she's yet to produce any of them. She hasn't mentioned since.

What will you do if she doesn't produce them?

FEB 16th

I'm not sure that this is much comfort to you but I doubt very much that your wife actually is still in love with this guy. I think she is in love with the idea of him and the past and her youth etc. I think it is probably either some hang-up from the past that she hasn't resolved and has allowed to grow into a fantasy, or it is a form of escapism where she is using the past as a refuge from something she isn't dealing with in the here and now.

Having said that, I do know a woman who was in a similar situation and didn't realise it wasn't really love until she had already thrown her marriage away. These feelings, however unrealistic, can ruin relationships.

The fact that she is trying to act on this is really not acceptable and is obviously undermining your marriage.

I think you need to bite the bullet and ask her if there has been any more contact, where she sees this going, and see if she will go to counselling with you.

I think you need to look into marriage counseling. Even if she has broken off contact with him, it has damaged the trust in the relationship.

I don't know how you 'intercepted' the letter or how you have seen other emails, but this doesn't need to end up with you looking into her private correspondence without her knowledge/permission (and I don't mean the 'If don't trust me look for yourself' type of permission) trying to find evidence of what is going on. That would only erode the trust even farther and probably cause her to hide her correspondence with everyone not just the old boyfriend.

Counseling will give you both a safe and level foundation to work out the issues and decide where the marriage is going from here.

I confirmed more contact as recent as June. He showed up at her birthday party in June. (He lives in CA - we live in TN). It was in public place - Elks Club. They were outside at the same time during the evening for about 10 Min. Counseling for sure!

QLP might have hit the nail on the head with this one. What she has put out, may not be reciprocted, at least not to the point where he is considering a full blown relationship with her. Who knows- maybe he is flattered, maybe he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, maybe his responses to her have been to try harder with her husband. She may be keeping the email and text messages from you, because she wants you to think there is more to it than there really is. And why? To get attention, to make you jealous, maybe payback for something you did, or that she perceives that you did. Could be many connotations to the actual 'relationship', and 'the other man' may not realize he is being, perhaps, used.

If you do get to read the 'evidence' between them, and it isn't one sided, in that she is pursuing this other man, and he's not interested, then I would set some firm expectations. Counselling is a must, and it has to start with an unbiased third party who help you and your wife get all the cards on the table.

If she is unwilling to stop communcating with him, or if she says she is, and you still cannot trust her, again, get counselling. This has put a wedge in your relationship that cannot be ignored.

What I really want to say, and I can't, so just pretend you aren't reading this part, is, contact him, and get his side of the story. Ask him what the hell he is doing messing around electronically with your wife, and that you'd like it to stop immediately. His reaction would tell a lot of how serious they are, or, how it is only her (maybe) that is pursuing this. It may be a non-relationship, which would indicate some problems in itself, in that she is pursuing one.

But, that could also open up a whole can of worms too. And in the end, it will be whether your wife is willing to be honest, attend counselling, give up this man, in whatever context their relationship is, and work hard to save her marriage. No matter how you look at this, it is time to set some expectations of her, with the first one being counselling. I'd take that a step further, and make the arrangements myself, and tell her that you expect her to attend, or she can expect another consequences of her behaviour, and that is a separation until she decides whether she wants to remain married.

A little more: after I confronted her she said she would show me all calls/text/emails and Facebook messages.Not a single thing she has shown me. WHY? I would show her every email-text ALL correspondents I have. Additionally she said she would get him to send the Valentines Day card back to her or scan and email back so I could see - nope that hasn't happened yet either. From her letter: "I do wonder if my punishment here is wanting and needing something I'll probably never have. Like I told you, I love *#*#& for the husband, father and man he is but---(always but) in the depths of my heart I'll always love you". (Her punishment for hurting him when they were 16 yrs old) Her punishment is living with me as she wants and needs him? And --- 'probably never have'? Does that mean there is a possibility that she will have that 'thing' (him) eventually? Later in the letter she says "if they can be together here - then since they both are Christians - they will spend eternity together in heaven." That hurt.

In reading your last post, something struck me, how old is she? Does she have a history of depression or other medical problems?

Along the lines of what Jake and QLP were saying, could she be building a fantasy world out thoughts and memories not to hurt you or anything like that but because her mind isn't functioning properly?

From what you've just said, this is sounding more and more like her living a fantasy with a man, who is probably not pursuing her. She has this whole thing going on, and it is impossible to tell what is real, and what isn't, or whether her words are in response to similar feelings from this other man, or because of his response being negative to her being in love with him.

Has there ever been anything similar to this behaviour from her, in the past? Has she ever been diagnosed with any mental illness? Is there any reason you can think of that could have triggered or helped cause this?

My advice to you now, is to not react. If you do, and if it is negative, she will likely shut down. Wait until you have more information before deciding on a course of action.

We both are 42 - we both are healthy, mentall and physically. One son in college - another is a junior in High School. Once before (10 yrs ago) she admitted to in a jokingly way that she was on the phone with him for 3 hours one night. She said she wanted to air out things and apologize for hurting him in high school. When I questioned her sister last week about all this - she said all that was B-S. They dated even in college - after high school. All this 'triggered' from recent 'activity' after he came home for about 3 weeks over Christmas and New Years. We went 2 or 3 times during this time and he was always at the same places. One night about 40 us had a get together and they were at a corner table - by themselves Their chairs were almost touching and looked like they were about kiss each other. I watched from across the room for 30 mintues just to see how close they were going to get. During those 3 weeks when he was here - I have been concerned that they may have 'hooked up'. It would have been easy for that to happen.

My question to you is if this man has been around and in the same room with you all why haven't you approached them? Why haven't you went and stood by her side and introduced yourself? Make yourself known to him. Why did you just sit across the room and watch?

I know her ex-boyfriend very well. We all went to college together (20 yrs ago). I did go to their table and sit between them - or tried to. I noticed they were looking at each like they loved each other. Make sense? 2 weeks later I saw her letter.

That he called YOU, and was willing to talk to you, and you didn't respond, could have been an error on your part.

Consider that he could be perfectly innocent here. Why else would he call you directly, except to say that you've got it all wrong. Maybe the 30 minute phone call to her was to straighten her out.

Of course, I could be all wrong, but you really don't know, and you missed an opportunity there to get the perspective of the man, to whom your wife is infatuated.

Please use the Answer box instead of the comment box. It makes it easier to keep up with the posts and facts.


ShakenHusband : I did contact him-went to vmail. He called her immediately. She schooled him for 30 min or so - then he called me back. I checked her phone calls/text timing against my calls to him. I knew this so when he called me back I didn't take his call.

Something isn't adding up. When did he call you back? The same day or later?

If you are already checking her calls/texts, then why do you need her to give them to you?

You were good friends with him in college but didn't know that she was dating him even into college until you talked to her sister?

I am beginning to think there is a lot more to this story than what has been given. However, it boils down to counseling to see where the marriage stands and where to go from here.

Shaken, Sorry your having to go through this. Your wife has built up this fantasy in her own mind about this ex-boyfriend. He obviously is getting an ego build from this, but it doesn't appear he is willing or wanting to go any further then that. But remember he isn't the one who has a commitment with you, so don't make this his mess, its your wife's. For whatever reason she has herself fully confinced about her love for this guy. Have you tried counseling, even if she isn't willing, go for yourself. You can't force anything on her, she will just fight you anyway. Its time for you to get help, so you can make some decisions, what do you want out of this marriage, do you feel its worth being in.---good luck

I do think you should talk to him.

By the "it was very nice" comment about the valentine, it doesn't sound like he's got it bad for her.

You can't just sit there and brood about what if this or that happened. I think I would be finding out where I stood in this marriage and where he is in regards to his feelings for your wife.

This isn't going to go away and everything return to the way it was. Call him and get his side of the story.

If she decides to go back and try to recapture memories from twenty years ago, she is going to be sorely disappointed.

She's hanging on to something that I think was more serious on her part even then.

Call the guy up right now, and tell him to leave your wife alone, or come get the beeyatch. Make sure she is standing there and then start packing her stuff or YOURS.

Her behavior is UNACCEPTABLE, and NOT to be tolerated at all!!! You can pissy foot around all you want, but nothing like direct, and decisive actions to get your house in order. She can get counseling while you get gone. To be disrespected to your face is UNACCEPTABLE.

I've been married for 36 years , yes to the same woman.
She still talks to one of her high school boy friends. they still meet and have lunch togather.they invite me about every time , but the what I see it that's her friend . If you were given the chance to clear everything up, or talk to him and didn't , you should have done it.
I don't think you have anything to worry about , sounds like she loves you , this guy is just her friend , try to be open minded about it. Betting mad and raising cane will only cause trouble
LUCK

I've been married for 36 years , yes to the same woman.
she still talks to one of her high school boy friends ., they still meet and have lunch togather.they invite me about every time , but the wat I see it thats her friend . if you were given the chance to clear everything up, or talk to him and didn't , you should have done it.
I don't think you have anything to worry about , sounds like she loves you , this guy is just her friend , try to be open minded about it. betting mad and raising cane will only cause trouble
LUCK

I totally disagree with you. She told her husband she didn't have the same feelings for him as she did this guy. She may not have slept with him, but she is emotionally cheating on her husband. Does your wife send valentines with mushy s*** to her friends? I think not.

Keep in mind that she never sent this letter.

You really do need to get to the bottom of this. What about a three-way call between all of you? Uncomfortable, no doubt, but there would be no coaching beforehand and you could get both their takes on the situation. He needs to be told that this is wrong on his part as well. Whether he has feelings for her or not, he has to see that she does.

What does she have to say about "not being able to give herself totally to you because she still loves him"? Could it have been written at a time when there was friction in your relationship and the grass was looking greener?

What has your relationship been like over the years? Has she ever voiced any displeasure, unhappiness, etc.

It very well may be that she is holding onto some feelings from the past and that is all there is to it. Ask her... point blank.

What does she want from your marriage? What are her feelings for this man? What would she think if you were doing the same with a girlfriend from the past?

It is inappropriate and it needs to stop. Suggest she attend counseling with you.

If she balks at ending the relationship with him, has no interest in making your marriage better, sees nothing wrong with what she has been doing, you may have to consider your options as painful as it may be.

So what are you left with here, Shaken.

You think there have been opportunities for them to get together, and that they may very well have had an ongoing affair for some time, and it is an affair, whether they did the dirty or not.

I have not heard you say that you have had a serious talk with just her. Sitting down, talking about what it all means. Some of the questions might include:

- are you planning to leave me, to be with him.
- have the two of you made actual plans to do so
- if you aren't planning on being together, are you planning on ending this affair
- will you attend counselling
- what time frame is reasonable for you to move out if you decide the marriage is over

It really is time for the nitty gritty here, and I'm wondering why you are still wondering about what has gone on, far more than what needs to go on, now, between only the two of you.

For whatever reason, it all boils down to her having a man on the side. She has not indicated, from what you have said, that she is willing to give him up.

Perhaps be practical and at least take necessary steps to protect yourself, your home, your assets, your children. If push comes to shove, and there is a plan in the works for the two of them to abandon their marriages, then you need to be prepared. See a lawyer, find out what you need to know in order to be prepared, should she decide to leave.

While this is still all unravelling, and you are only beginning to understand the depth of their actions together, try to think rationally too. If a legal separation is necessary, your lawyer can help guide you, but my whole point is, don't be caught off guard.

I'm wondering if her reluctance to either stay in the marriage and attend counselling, and give up her boyfriend, isn't happening, because there is more going on behind the scenes that you are not aware of.

Just be prepared.

Folks, it's me - ShakenHusband. I've received a few messages asking "How is it going?" Well I decided to wait until our youngest was graduated and moving out. That is probably going to happen within the next few months. (He's getting a real nice job and going to tech school)

I felt I needed to be there for my kids until they were on their own - regardless how their mother felt about me (or not felt about me). Now I'm considering moving on as the situation hasn't got worse or better. I know she still loves her ex boyfriend (who has little to any communication with her). Some of you may remember - she NEVER tells me she loves me unless I tell her first. So I decided on JAN 1st 2012 to not say it all and see what happens. She's told me 3 times since JAN 1st - when I was leaving to catch a flight and was traveling for a few days.

We both are strong believers and attend worship services together - we do the 'traditional family stuff' together and act like everything is okay. She knows something is wrong with me but hasn't said anything - it's not like to dig in peoples head anyway.

My choices are:
1. Stay with her until we die and basically 'Co-Exist'. I will continue go to bed every night KNOWING MY WIFE LOVES SOMEONE ELSE.
2. We go are separate ways. If this happens - the families will be heartbroken. The kids will have hard feeling toward her (if they find out the truth) and the entire little town we live will become gossip city for a few days (until they find someone else to gossip about - which I don't care what people say - honestly)

How does a guy continue in a marriage knowing his wife loves somebody else?

Thanks guy for coming back with an update for your situation. I think maybe more would be accomplished by disclosing to her, as you have with us, your exact feelings and intentions. Boggles my mind that you were not more proactive in getting facts instead of acting on just feelings. If I were in your shoes, and to some extent I have been, I would have seen that her friend, ex, or whatever and I were on the same page.

I would know him, and he I, well enough to either trust him or not, and decide if he was a family friend or not. I can't believe you have not done so in the time you have discovered they were in contact. Secondly you complained in the past she promise to disclose all communication and had not done so, but I would have insisted and waited until she did. I mean too be fair, this is something that you should have pressed as in "okay, show me NOW!" when she agreed to. How hard is that?

Thirdly and most importantly, This really should have been resolved long ago, through honest communications and setting boundaries of friendship and conduct you both can agree on. I mean why co exist when you can agree and come to terms and have understanding. I think maybe you and your wife have lousy straight communications and you both are disconnected from each others minds. Of course we have only your side of it, which for a fact is biased and fueled by hurt, and fear, leading too much suspicion without facts, after all this time, still no facts.

Lets be clear, facts that come from talking directly, and honestly to her. For instance, I would know NOW what happens after the nest became empty. I would know what she wants from you, and not just co exist for the children's sake and hope she gets the blame when you leave. This façade of co-existence is not sincere, on your part, no matter what she does, or has done.

Harshness Warning

As you can see from my first post on this thread, and it should be obvious I am not one to let things go unsaid or unknown with my own wife (35 years), and I feel that's why you have let this fester far to long, without taking the proper steps at honest communications. I think you take responsibility for your own inaction, by neither confronting this or communicating your real feelings and setting the boundaries of good behavior. That's on YOU, not her.

So now you wonder how you can co exist? My friend that's all you have been doing since this started. But you cannot even enjoy your own wife co existing because she has love feelings for another. I mean if she says "I love you" more would you believe it? And what kind of solution is it to with hold "I love you" from her?

So in effect, you call this a marriage? If it was you would have been talking and working together, or gotten help to know how. YOU have suggested none of these things, yet have accepted keeping up appearances for the kids.

That hasn't brought you peace so do this my way and sit her down and start being honest, and truthful about how this has made you feel, and tell her to clear this up, and make you feel better or you are out of here. That would at least be honest! Your approach so far is NOT!!

Get things out where you both can deal with this HONESTLY!

Thanks for the response.

If you had to 'rank' marriages around you from 1 to 10 - you would find different numbers from the same couple. People value their marriages differently. Guys usually rank on amount of sex, amount of respect and domestic quality of their wives. Simple for guys. Women however use 2700 things to rank their relationship with their husbands.

Since I don't mingle in others relationship - I only rank mine. But since the revelation of heart 'split heart'... I've added a couple more things to my ranking.

We are only here for little while then we have eternity on the other side. Therefore the really only thing that matters is how I live and serve my God. I don't want my wife to tell me she loves me when she don't - you are right there. It was very important for us to hang together as our latest child exited school and migrate into the working life. He needed (and still needs) my guidance. I did not want to abandon him for several reasons that were time sensitive. Now that time is about to run it's course - I've a decision to make regarding our relationship as a living in the same house.

Life and the Bible have taught me that 'nobody else can make me happy and live a fulfilled life here on earth'. I can and have churn my own level of happiness - but we as earthly beings aren't promised 'happiness' as such. But we are promised a great eternity if we believe and behave. I can do both. I'm more excited about my life on the other side than this side... to be honest. :)

What I'm looking for is advice on how to co-exist with her - if I decide to stay. There have been plenty of talk and discussion. It's out there - she will never stop loving him and she's never going to tell me she loves me on any frequent occurrence - so I've come to accept that. I care nothing about "finding love" somewhere else. I love her... period. All throughout history books and movies are read and seen about lost love - I suppose I could write country song!

I'm looking for people that may have experience (personal or have knowledge of) similar relationships.

Thanks,
Shaken


Thanks guy for coming back with an update for your situation. I think maybe more would be accomplished by disclosing to her, as you have with us, your exact feelings and intentions. Boggles my mind that you were not more proactive in getting facts instead of acting on just feelings. If I were in your shoes, and to some extent I have been, I would have seen that her friend, ex, or whatever and I were on the same page.

I would know him, and he I, well enough to either trust him or not, and decide if he was a family friend or not. I can't believe you have not done so in the time you have discovered they were in contact. Secondly you complained in the past she promise to disclose all communication and had not done so, but I would have insisted and waited until she did. I mean too be fair, this is something that you should have pressed as in "okay, show me NOW!" when she agreed to. How hard is that?

Thirdly and most importantly, This really should have been resolved long ago, thru honest communications and setting boundaries of friendship and conduct you both can agree on. I mean why co exist when you can agree and come to terms and have understanding. I think maybe you and your wife have lousy straight communications and you both are disconnected from each others minds. Of course we have only your side of it, which for a fact is biased and fueled by hurt, and fear, leading to much suspicion without facts, after all this time, still no facts.

Lets be clear, facts that come from talking directly, and honestly to her. For instance, I would know NOW what happens after the nest became empty. I would know what she wants from you, and not just co exist for the children's sake and hope she gets the blame when you leave. This facade of co-existence is not sincere, on your part, no matter what she does, or has done.

Harshness Warning

As you can see from my first post on this thread, and it should be obvious I am not one to let things go unsaid or unknown with my own wife (35 years), and I feel thats why you have let this fester far to long, without taking the proper steps at honest communications. I think you take responsibility for your own inaction, by neither confronting this or communicating your real feelings and setting the boundaries of good behavior. Thats on YOU, not her.

So now you wonder how you can co exist? My friend thats all you have been doing since this started. But you cannot even enjoy your own wife co existing because she has love feelings for another. I mean if she says "I love you" more would you believe it? And what kind of solution is it to with hold "I love you" from her?

So in effect, you call this a marriage? If it was you would have been talking and working together, or gotten help to know how. YOU have suggested none of these things, yet have accepted keeping up appearances for the kids.

That hasn't brought you peace so do this my way and sit her down and start being honest, and truthful about how this has made you feel, and tell her to clear this up, and make you feel better or you are out of here. That would at least be honest! Your approach so far is NOT!!!

Get things out where you both can deal with this HONESTLY!

Before you read, I am a 25yr old guy in his first relationship with our own ups and downs, as well as the old boyfriend trying to spring up communication every now and again story too getting played out.

I read your story and your update, it sort of worries and scares me, so I am sorting of writing this to my future self.

One I commend you on thinking of your kids first and trying to be a stand up father. I didn't have a father growing up, you were thinking less of yourself and for the kids, I like.

But now you need to think more of yourself and what you want or need. I really believe you have more options than just 2. I would re-read and read all the posts by talaniman, the guy has depth and knowledge, read in between the lines, in the lines of everything he is saying or not saying.

With my current search for "what love is?" there is only one truth I have found. Love is not something you have, its not an object (Not a Noun) instead love is something you Do, it is an action (a Verb). I look at a quote from talaniman's latest response "I think you take responsibility for your own inaction." If you plan to stay in this marriage, you need restart the Action of loving. Maybe plan events with only you and her, maybe a vacation or simply a night on the town (multiple of events). Court her again. But take some of the knowledge you have gleaned from the past to not let things recur.

It was right to give her "some" space, but playing the waiting the game on the love is unacceptable. Take over the reins and steer her emotions towards you. Its not going to be easy and the majority of the effort, unfortunately, will come from you end. This is where you need to know what you really want, really want. From this marriage. Are you willing to still fight for it, but truly fight to get what you deserve back. Again I am young and in my 1st relationship, I personally don't like overly talking about things (which currently gets me in issues with my lady) so my 1st suggestion wouldn't be counseling, instead I am saying if you want love go get it by all mines, and court your wife again, and be patience and have faith it will work out and it will return and stay.

On the logical/realistic note: if taking charge doesn't work after awhile of strongly approaching it at different angles. (and patiently waiting enough time for the results to be in your favor) Cut your loses if they don't return. I was raised by a single mother that is devout in her faith, God doesn't want or force us to stay with someone we can't. It is not helpful in either one of your spiritual journeys. Stay strong. Pray, but don't wait for answers, use the meditative power of constant pray to get you to the right state to invoke change instead of waiting for it.