I feel weird asking this, but I have no one else to and I want to know what someone else makes of this. I'm an 18 year old female, I live with my boyfriend in our apartment. Lately, I've been having some recurring thoughts, and have been putting some unfortunate things together. I have a few distinct memories: one is of my grandparent's groundskeeper sitting me on his lap, rubbing between my legs, telling me "don't let anyone touch you there." I was a kid when this would happen, between 6 and 8 years old is when I really remember it. I was a kid, I didn't make much of it, though I do have memories of him doing it to me multiple times.

The next memory I have, which was occurring at about the same time as the aforementioned information, is of my friend's older brother. They lived across the street from us, so Sarah*(not her real name) and I were together often. The one vivid memory I have is of us all (Sarah, myself, and her brother) playing in the leaves in their front yard. It was fall time, I remember it was sort of cold out (this was in Ohio). Sarah's brother insisted she go inside, and then he made me lay down right next to him in the leaves, and then he covered the leaves over us in a pile sort of, so only our faces were sticking out. I remember not wanting to lay with him, just for the fact I thought that was weird. He took my hand and stuck it down his pants, and my memory of it stops there. I don't know if anything beyond that happened, my memories are blurred. I have other memories with Sarah's brother, in different locations, primarily in his bedroom, as well.

Anyway, I really don't know what to make of this. I'm happy with my boyfriend, but he knows there is something not right. I have a history of self-mutilation, which I know aids his suspicion. I guess my question is... do you call this abuse? Do I have a right to feel weird about what happened? I don't know what to tell my boyfriend...

You 'tell' your boyfriend nothing.You aren't even sure of what happened or not,telling him anything is only speculation and innuendo..

What I DO suggest is that you seek professional assistance,you already have some exposure to it,right?(As you stated you already have a history of self-abuse.. I have to imagine that there was some kind of intervention by your family? Yes? )

Inciting any reactions by your boyfriend would be premature at best.You don't know any of the real facts to this,how then can you describe to any details,what may or may not have occurred.

Hypnotherapy might be in order for your situation.. IF you are willing(and able)it might bring to light the realities of your past,, or the dreams they might have been also.

No,I am not saying you have false memories,or that you are wrong for feeling violated,you very well might have been, but without proper diagnosis,who can really tell the truth behind all these feelings you go through?

I hope you seek the help you need... and don't let money be a factor in this, mental health can be affordable for those in need.. one doesn't have to become a patient in a hospital to get help.

KBC

If what happened between you and "Sarah's" brother made you feel uncomfortable and you did not want it, then yes it is considered sexuall abuse. Seek professional help before you tell anyone though...