Ok, I have no where else really to turn but to here for some advice. First of all, I am gay.. I am a very romatice, loving and I guess what USED to be wanting a monogomus relationship. I met my guy online, ONLY to be friends with no sex, or complications, just a friend I could talk to... He agreed, and we met, for 2 months straight we were really good friends, and slowly started falling for each other, I have a HUGE sex drive, while, because of a medical condition, which I'm really starting to question now, has a low drive, due to him saying that it doesn't feel intense for him as it does for others. He's just wanting to snuggle and hold hands, which I'm fine with, and was fine with, because after some hurendous previous relationships, I wanted both romantic and "wild" sex with my partner. I loved him deeply and was willing to look past the "sex" issue until it was comfortable for both of us. It then took almost 7 months after moving in with him to have ANYTHING further than kissing and holding each other. We've been in the relationship now for about 4 years, I have to practically beg for anything past the snuggling. Keep in mind that there's a lot of things sexually that I like that he is not into at all, I agree to keep by his comfort level because I do love him, but, the clencher is, if sex is brought up or asked about, it leads to a fight 90% of the time. I believe, that having sex in a relationship crosses over to not only, as he puts it, "just getting off", it's two people becoming one. He's OCD, and has a slight thing with germs, I understand that and can somewhat deal with it, but during anykind of playing around or full bore sex, I'm doing all the work, and I do mean all the work. I kiss how he likes to kiss, touch him, massage him, well, you get the jist of it... I get nothing, as in getting touched, etc. etc. Just the full montey and lucky if that happens for longer than 5 minutes, which results in me not finishing, which isn't ALWAYS a bad thing. But when I ask for it like he told me to do, it's "why right now", "is that all you think about", "relationships aren't all about sex", the list is endless. I am SOOO sexually frustrated, but committed to him and don't cheat, yet now, after all this time, I find myself finding other outlets, now I'm extremely torn between wanting him sexually at all. What's also sad is there has only been 3 times in 4 years that he's initiated it, and maybe twice that he's actually had forplay. I never thought I would even consider this, but I asked him if we could have an open relationship. We are going to theropy together, but it's almost as if the issue is never addressed. I have a huge amount of stress as well does he, but it's always about making sure the money & bills are OK, the house is cleaned up, all his creative ideas about making a home based business. As I told my theropist, I feel like I'm in a June Cleaver mode, clean the house, take care of the errands, cook dinner, any kind of relaxing fun is done alone, and then do the milkman. I love him, I know I do, we are connected on a very deep level, but it's effecting my self-worth, self-esteem, and any talk about it leads to an agruement or he'll do it to shut me up (that's what it feels like). 5 weeks ago I decided to try and see if he would initiate, as of today, he's touched me once and fell asleep while doing it. So, my question after this novel, is how do I fix this before it's to the point of no return?? I want it work on that level sooo bad, but I'm the type that at a certain point, I say goodbye, turn around and never look back, (in this case any type of sex) I've been reading others problems like this on here. I tried to make him understand that I want it all the time, because I NEVER get it. If I knew I could count on say 2 times a week for at least 30 min, I could live with that, but it's falling of deaf ears. I'm considering leaving even, I really don't want to, it's not co-dependance (talked to a theropist about that one). Is there anyone out there that has experienced this and got it resolved? Thanks all for listening...

Hello Cambo,

You mentioned you finding other outlets. What exactly does that mean? What other outlets have you found?

Was he gay before you? Had he been with a woman before?

How come in theropy, the issue has never been addressed? I mean, wasn't that the whole point of going to theropy?

Please answer my questions.

Thank you.

You are paying the therapist, so it is your responsibility to bring this up and lay it on the table for discussion -- and to get a resolution. Insist on it! If you are going outside of your relationship for sexual release, your partner needs to know that -- AND the two of you must figure out what to do about it.

I think he is a lost cause. While he might have been good "friends" material... he certainly isn't good "boyfriend" material.

Women have this thing about going after what they can't have, or sometimes shouldn't have.

Guys do too to a certain extent as well.

This guy is so broken that even if he gets partially fixed, he is still only going to be half right.

And worst of all you might spend years before you even get that far... IF you ever get that far.

In the mean time... you are paying a high price.

Yeah certain medications and conditions can put a major kabosh on the sex drive... BUT that is no excuse for his cold disposition when not doing the dirty.

And even if the old boy won't stant up at attention... there are other things that he can do to satisfy you. IF he really cared.

Where is the 'point of no return'? Have you defined where and when that point is so that you know it when you get there or have passed it?

I am curious about how much you have told your therapist. I think you have been weaving a fantasy life for him/her so that you don't get the advice you need instead of what you want to hear. I think you know that you need to get out and move on.

He isn't changing. I don't think he is capable of changing. I think you are not wanting to make another 'horrendous' mistake and are desperately trying to make a deeper connection where there isn't one. You're holding on to a fantasy set in The Land of IF. It's time to look at and see the reality instead of what you wish it could be.

Let go of this relationship. Let yourself move on and heal.