Here's the short and sweet... I am married. I have been married for almost 3 years. I've been unhappy for the past 2 years. I found comfort in another man. At first, it started innocent, just talking as friends. It gradually became stronger than friendship. I have not cheated on my husband and he knows of my new friend. He does not know the depth of my feelings for my new friend, and I am afraid to tell him.

My friend is much older than me (over twice my age in fact) and tells me that we cannot be together because of the age difference. He says that there is no future for me with him. I understand where he is coming from, I truly do, but that does not stop the feelings I have for him.

Before he and I began talking, he began to make amends with his wife. They had been separated for over 10 years. He did not tell me about his wife until a couple of days ago. He was seeing her again when we began talking. I know he deceived me and lied to me. As tender as my heart is, I forgave him. I still have intense feelings for him. We have slowed our talking, because neither of us want to stir our spouses. We both want to make amends with our spouses.

We agree that certain things between us can never happen again, but I can't help but think of him all the time. We used to talk from the time I woke up every morning to the time a went to bed at night. Now, because he is spending so much time with his wife, we can't only talk while he is at work. My husband knows that we talk all day. My friend's wife knows nothing of me. He is afraid that if she finds out she will be extremely angry.

I can push aside my feelings for my best friend to keep him in my life AS my best friend and nothing more. How should I react to him not telling his wife about me?

Have you met this man? Did you meet him online?

Yes, I have met him. No, I did not meet him online. He is a regular at the Travel Plaza where I work. We met over a year ago, but we just began really talking a month ago.

How should I react to him not telling his wife about me?

Am I missing something here?? You are married. He is married. You are lying to your husband. You are having an emotional affair behind your husbands back and you want us to tell you how you should react to him not telling his wife about you?? Don't you think that comes off a tad bit selfish? I am a firm believer in being married forever. Working through thick and thin. Having open communication. Things that 90% of the population agrees on but sadly very few seem to be able to do.

Here is where I think you went wrong.

You confided in and trusted in another man. Big mistake. If you would have stepped up and told your husband from day one that you were having reservations, doubts, that you were attracted to this guy, whatever... maybe things could have been turned around ALONG time ago. But you are basically not even giving your husband a chance to work on things with you. (maybe you feel you gave him chance after chance in the past, but the second you start talking to another man, you essentially are going to him to solve your issues, or going to him to make you feel good and bring you happiness.) and then when it sounds like this other guy is trying to make amends with his wife you get mad that he didn't tell his wife about you. Now he is equally in the wrong, maybe even more so, but he isn't on this forum asking what he should do, so I can't respond to him... The bottom line with him is, his relationship with his wife is doomed to fail just as much as anyone else who hides things from their spouse. If you are lying to your spouse how do you expect your relationship to work. If he doesn't tell his wife about you, he falls into the same problems.

Do you have the guts to confront your husband and tell him what you've been doing. How you feel. And sort it out the right way? Or are you going to hide it from him, lie to him, and hope the problems solve themselves. Maybe after hearing what you are doing he won't even want to be with you and let you do your thing... but maybe its what both of you need to have a positive change in your lives.

As far as the other guy... you need to chop it off at the roots. You are trying to rationalize keeping him as your best friend?? Think about it for a second... you are lying to your husband, he is lying to his wife.. you confess he lied to you, and your going to keep him as your best friend and both of you pretend this never happened?? You might as well drench yourself in gasoline because you are playing with fire.

Figure out what you want in your life first. If you have even a 1% feeling that you can work it out with your husband, step up and tell him exactly what's going on. Plan a nice dinner at home where you two can talk in private, do some nice things for him, get him in a calm relax mood and then gently let him know what you've been doing and ask for his forgiveness (if you even want it)... and let him figure out what he even wants to do...

Otherwise you are going to destroy someone else's feelings and lives the longer you let this carry on. I'd rather have 10 relationships where someone was dishonest and at least told me than have 1 relationship where the person kept things from me and I never knew. Who wants that??

Good luck!

And ps a guy twice your age is no good... what is twice your age 20 - 40? 30 - 60? 40 - 80? Do you want to be 45 and he passes away and then your alone? Do you want to have kids and he comes home and goes to sleep or lays in the lazyboy because he is tired? Do you want to have kids with someone and when the kids are 20 their father dies of old age? These are probably some of the things he is thinking about too...

I'll tell you how to get unconfused;
Leave the married guy alone and don't believe he's been separated for ten years. He is looking for one thing from you.

Shame on your husband for putting up with you two talking all the time.

They had been separated for over 10 years. He did not tell me about his wife until a couple of days ago. He was seeing her again when we began talking. I know he deceived me and lied to me. As tender as my heart is, I forgave him.

Wait, let me get this straight, you forgave him for seeing his wife? What? How does that work? She's his wife, why would he need forgiveness from you for seeing his wife?


How should I react to him not telling his wife about me?

You don't react. If he doesn't want to tell her that's his business. You're nothing but a friend, so what's to tell? She's his wife, she's number 1 in his life, not you.

Stop fantasizing about a married man and go back to your husband.

Attractions,feelings are all our side of the story... they are ours to have and ours to stop having as well... any attraction or feeling that is self-destructive should be controlled,checked and stopped... theres no excuse for not being able to control them,since it all starts with us and should end with us.

All it takes is a helluva determination and will power... like we go to work everyday without sometimes wanting to,but we do because we control our minds to do it... like going to the dentist,like studying,like staying committed in marriages... it all boils down to doing stuff we may not always want to do but we do anyway.

Your situation,if not controlled and checked right now will ruin all four lives... whats it getting you anyway? you are an option to this older man,not his priority and now your husband also has come to know about both of you,which could make you an option in his life too... is that a desirable situation?is that what your worth as a woman, a human being will become?playing second fiddle to men in their lives?

Be responsible and own up to your infidelity and tackle that teenage crush-like attraction immediately... you owe it to yourself and your husband.

Are you kidding? Did you forget you have a husband? You are worried about this married man, but what about your marriage? I don't want to be judgemental, but if I was you I would concentrate on working things out with your husband, or ending the relationship. Then you can worry about having an affair. Personally, I think the two of you deserve each other

How should I react to him not telling his wife about me?
The same way he reacted when you didn't tell your husband about him. Why should he tell his wife anything after he told you this,

He says that there is no future for me with him. I understand where he is coming from, I truly do, but that does not stop the feelings I have for him.
You are delusional, as there is nothing between you but if you cannot handle your feelings in a mature way ask your husband for some help and confess everything to him, and see if he boots you out of his life, a fate you really deserve.

Leave the guy alone, and forget your stupid fantasies, and no, I am not sorry for being harsh.

Lady you need to wake up and smell the coffee. If they've been separated ten years I'll stand on my head and sing Dixie.

He's older and has had more time to learn how to lie and cheat. Leave him along and concentrate on getting your marriage together.

Alty... I think she meant that she forgave him for not telling her about his wife. That she still thought he was separated.

Confused: you may not have cheated physically, but you have, at least in my opinion, emotionally.

End it now... he has made it clear that he also realizes it was a mistake to let it go as far as it did and that he too wants to make things better with his spouse. Tell him that all contact needs to stop... that it would be best for both of you so that you can both focus your attention on your respective spouses.

I am guessing he is either a truck driver or works near by since you met at a Travel Plaza. If he is a truck driver, I know that life can get lonely on the road, and it's nice to have a familiar face to have a conversation with when you happen to be there, but that is where it should have stayed. No phone calls, if that is how you have been talking all day. Both of you allowed it to cross the line. It sounds as though you felt there was more to it than he did however and he wised up first that it was going in a direction he didn't want to go.

Things may not have been rosy in both of your marriages and that is what led you to form a connection. I think it sounds like your feelings may not be so much for "him" as for how he treated you and made you feel. No excuse however for allowing yourself to be in that situation... you should have seen the red flags of what you were feeling and nipped it in the bud from the start.

Now focus on rebuilding the relationship with your husband. Rediscover why you married him in the first place. Plan quality time together, talk to him and let him know you have been feeling distanced from him and that you want to make things better with him.

You have been given advice from some of the most intelligent, and caring individuals on this site, and the best advice I can give you is to listen to them..