I've read most of the posts on this thread and am very much in the same position as you tucsondoc.

I found out a month ago that my wife was having a very emotional affair with a man at her work for several months. I found out by snooping (hacking) on her email account and then going through her phone.

Her initial response was "how did you find out" rather than "oh, sh*t, I'm so, so, sorry". That raised alarm bells right there!

I was mad at first, but then was sad and scared that our relationship would end. So I forgave her very quickly and made every effort to give her more attention and try to talk things out. Unfortunately, a whole month passed before she finally said that she's been struggling with the relationship for a long time and that she didn't see much point in us being together (a week ago now). After the shock of the affair, that was even worse!

As a bit of background, we have had a torrid 18 months. My wife had an operation in which she became infertile (by natural means), we lost thousands on the sale of our house, we moved from our friends and family (lost all our close support), both changed jobs, had a round of IVF and finally we moved and I changed jobs again (so that she would be happier getting to and from her work).

We are going to see a marriage counsellor, but it's in the early stages.

Selfishly, I've had to deal with all that stuff too, but whilst I was dealing with it all in my way and trying to make the big things better (like moving house a second time to ease things), I missed the little things. I feel awful for that.

Now that she's raised concerns about not being able to go on, she says that she would rather move out and get as far away as possible (metaphorically speaking). I have urged her to stay to try and work through it. My reasoning being that we've just confronted all our problems, so running away might not help (?? ).

I'm feeling compassion for her and sympathy for the way she feels, but I'm also trying to deal with the fact that my wife has been better friends with another man and had a secret relationship behind my back. I'm paranoid, insecure, scared and sometimes hysterical about thoughts and images that I have. I'm also scared that she might still be seeing him (she works with him). I am trying to trust her on this though. But this doesn't help the bigger things. I'm insecure, so I want to (but manage not to) check up on her. My questions are naturally barbed with probing questions, or can be taken in that way.

So, in as far as I'm insecure and scared, this is manifesting itself as control to her. She sees me as the problem and pretty much refuses to talk to me about it. I'm also the one who has to start the conversations. She has had very little empathy for what I'm feeling and how I'm coping, which is making it harder for me, but also making her want to run further from the way I'm acting.

We talked on Sunday about he perception that I control her. I argued that I didn't, but hadn't made the connection between that and the insecurity yet. I just tried to understand how she was feeling and digest it myself.

At the end of our second talk last night, she finally admitted that she knows how I want her to act, and to support me, but she can't get past the anger and resentment to do it. I also realised that the relationship has been making me very very insecure (lack of hugs, kisses, etc etc for a long long time) and that was what was manifesting itself as control.

She finds it very hard to open up to me, given she hasn't for so long. I feel as if we have really grown apart, and that makes me so sad. I'm also feeling trapped because I want to discuss not only our relationship, but my feelings after the affair and how it's affecting me. She doesn't want to listen (guilt? ) and I feel held to ransom that she will just run off rather than deal with it - so I'm scared to bring it up.

It's comforting to know I'm not the only one suffering like this (my wife is included in there too!). I really hope I can be patient enough to encourage her out of her shell and that she will put the effort into trying.

At some point you both have to step aside, and let them do their own thing, and then go from there.

I might give it more than a week before I give up trying. I'm happy to gently encourage and be there for her if she needs me.

I do take your point though, and I may run out of energy myself, or I may just do whatever's best...

almorgan666 your post indicates that you could use help or at lest words of encouragement. I am sure there are people reading it that would like to help. Would you care to start a thread so that you can get feedback? It will allow this asker to get the attention he needs. Just a suggestion.

Thanks Allie602. I will do that.

My wife has been unhappy for some time. She confessed to me that she had feelings for another man and had kissed him, about 4-5 months ago. I immediately forgave her and told her it didn't matter. However, I found out a month ago that my wife was having a very emotional affair with the same man at her work for several months. I found out by snooping (hacking) on her email account and then going through her phone.

As a bit of background, we have had a torrid 18 months. My wife had an operation in which she became infertile (by natural means), we lost thousands on the sale of our house after being forced to move across the country, we moved from our friends and family (lost all our close support), both changed jobs, had a round of IVF and finally we moved and I changed jobs again (so that she would be happier getting to and from her work).

Selfishly, I've had to deal with all that stuff too, but whilst I was dealing with it all in my way and trying to make the big things better (like moving house/my job a second time to ease things), I missed the little things. I feel awful for that.

Anyway, her initial response to me confronting her about the affair was "how did you find out" rather than "oh, sh*t, I'm so, so, sorry". That raised alarm bells right there!

I was mad at first, but then was sad and scared that our relationship would end. So I forgave her very quickly and made every effort to give her more attention and try to talk things out. Unfortunately, a whole month passed before she finally said that she's been struggling with the relationship for a long time and that she didn't see much point in us being together (a week ago now). After the shock of the affair, that was even worse!

About me for a moment... I've been struggling to get images of them out of my head. The affair was mostly chatting over cups of tea (so she says), but there was kissing and hugging. There was also one time where she invited him to our house one afternoon after she took some holiday to spend it with him. They fooled around in our spare room. I think she's been honest with me, but I'm finding it very hard to deal with. I hate the fact that they have been in our house together. It makes me sick to my stomach, and because it was more of a friendship than a fling, I am so scared that they will just carry on seeing each other as friends and things will escalate again, but she'll be more secretive and I'll never know.

Anyway, now that she's raised concerns about not being able to go on, she says that she would rather move out and get as far away as possible (metaphorically speaking). I have urged her to stay to try and work through it. My reasoning being that we've just confronted all our problems, so running away might not help (?? ).

I'm feeling compassion for her and sympathy for the way she feels, but I'm also trying to deal with the fact that my wife has been better friends with another man and had a secret relationship behind my back. I'm paranoid, insecure, scared and sometimes hysterical about thoughts and images that I have. I'm also scared that she might still be seeing him (she works with him). I am trying to trust her on this though. But this doesn't help the bigger things. I'm insecure, so I want to (but manage not to) check up on her. My questions are naturally barbed with probing questions, or can be taken in that way.

To compound the way that I'm feeling, straight after confronting her, I did check her phone a couple of times. I found stuff! She hid his number under a different name. I sat on it, scared of the confrontation, until it got the better of me one day and I mentioned it. Rather than being apologetic, she was furious that I had snooped on her. She tried to justify having his number on her phone and dismissed my fears that she was still going to contact him. Just to prove that I wasn't going mad, I checked the phone again in the morning (without her knowing) and noticed that her logs showed that she'd text him the Friday before (under the new name). She was equally mad when I confronted her with this, as it showed a lack of trust on my part. But it also showed a complete lack of empathy on her's. This attitude really scared me. I eventually asked her to remove the number completely, as it really meant something to me, and she responded with "fine, I don't need it anyway". She has a real problem with her perception that I try and control her - I have discussed this further lower down.

So, in as far as I'm insecure and scared, this is manifesting itself as control to her. She sees me as the problem and pretty is only just starting to talk to me about it. I'm the one who has to start the conversations. She has had very little empathy for what I'm feeling and how I'm coping, which is making it harder for me, but also making her want to run further from the way I'm acting.

We talked on Sunday about he perception that I control her. I argued that I didn't, but hadn't made the connection between that and the insecurity yet. I just tried to understand how she was feeling and digest it myself.

At the end of our second talk last night, she finally admitted that she knows how I want her to act, and to support me, but she can't get past the anger and resentment to do it. I also realised that the relationship has been making me very very insecure (lack of hugs, kisses, etc etc for a long long time) and that was what was manifesting itself as control. I hope she understands that.

She finds it very hard to open up to me, given she hasn't for so long. I feel as if we have really grown apart, and that makes me so sad. I'm also feeling trapped because I want to discuss not only our relationship, but my feelings after the affair and how it's affecting me. She doesn't want to listen (guilt? ) and I feel held to ransom that she will just run off rather than deal with it - so I'm scared to bring it up.

I really hope I can be patient enough to encourage her out of her shell and that she will put the effort into trying. I would like to try and save my marriage.

Am I doing the right thing? Is there anything else I should be thinking/doing? Is there anything else that could help?

You had someone hack into her computer? You are driving her away. I'm surprised you haven't out a gps tracker on her phone.

Sounds like you've had problems for a long time. Let go of the jealousy or she'll be gone. Stop poking your nose in things that are her personal items.

I think you want to control her and she's tired of it.

Just curious, what are your ages please? And how long have you been married? Prior marriages?

Kitkat22 - No I didn't have someone hack her computer. I suspected something might still be going on with this man, so I found out the password to the secret email account she was using to communicate with him 3-4 times a day behind my back. I didn't try and hack into any other of her email accounts or try to do anything else of the sort.

I do feel like we've had problems for a long time. Look what we've been through! I'm not jealous, just scared that she'll run off from me (to him or otherwise). I'm not poking through her stuff any more either. I do want to trust her, but it's pretty hard for me after what she's been through. I'm also troubled by the complete lack of empathy for my feelings in all of this.

jmjoseph - First marriage, been together about 8 years, married for 2. Both under 30.

It is really hard to re-establish a relationship when someone is having an emotional affair, and maybe Im wrong, but It seems that woman who have emotional affairs really have hard time once they actually allow themselves to be in that type of situation to get out. They have usually already invested themselves, rather by lust, passion, ego boosting, one on one connection, and usually sympathy for the person they are having the emtional affair with. If your spouse is already having a hard even empathizing with what your going through, you may have a very difficult time getting them back into the marriage. I not saying you cant, just saying it will be hard.
You got to remember, that they feel that only this person really understands them and what they are going through. Of course they feel that your lack of understanding and support has left no options (these feelings may or may not be justified, but its what they feel). That feeling of its just the" two of us against the world" is a hard to fight. Good luck!!

You two are in the early stage of marriage counselling. It may be that as difficult things come up one, or both, of you do feel like running away rather than dealing with what emerges. You both have feelings that you cannot get past yet. Can you persuade your wife to continue until you both feel that you have reached a point where you can deal with those feelings properly and move on in whatever way is right when you reach that point.

You both have to accept that this might be together or apart but that it will be a better place for both of you either way. You need to get to a place where you can both fully see and accept one another and then know whether you still fit once you have got to that point. If you can understand this and get your wife to understand it also then the counselling is less about a desperate attempt to save a marriage regardless of whether that is the right thing for you both, but is about helping you both communicate, heal, and reach a place where the question of whether you really want to be together is one you are both ready to answer.

QLP - Thanks for you sage advice. I am slowly coming to the conclusion that my wife may be depressed (my parents keep saying this). I worry though that she is happy when out and about and with people she sees on occasions, however when she's at home (which is most of the time) she dwells and laments on having lost the ability to have children naturally. This really affects her. She gets visibly upset when she sees pregnant women and gets irrationally angry when young families make too much noise.

I think I didn't behave perfectly after her operation, which was a bad start, but now she is shifting her frustrations and pinning them on me.

I agree with you that it might be for the best if we do split, once we have both agreed it after time talking through it all. It would be such a shame though...

All I want to do is help, so I will have to be strong and hope that I can bring up this up in our counselling sessions. I hope I can find the strength to get through this all.

You both have a lot to work through. Try not to focus too much on what the result will be, although I know you are bound to wonder and worry. Try to take it a step at a time as you both try to gain understanding of yourselves and of each other.

Maybe the counsellor will also want to do a little work with each of you individually. Your wife obviously needs help coming to terms with her fertility problems and you with your feelings about the emotional affair.

I sincerely wish the best for both of you.

We had a long talk yesterday. It seems like she would like to move out of home, for an undetermined duration. I think she wants space from me. She's worried about my feelings though and how I would cope in the house on my own. I'm pretty sure she's looking for new places in the area - though she would never admit it.

Before I start venting, I understand how she feels and I do want to support her. It might do me some good too to have some time apart. But it's not what I want.

Makes me quite sad really. All I feel I've done is try and support her and bring her out of her shell over the past months. I've been frustrated that she's been happy and excited to see anyone else but me (like days out to see family). Anything I arrange for the two of us would only ever get a half way response. This has made me frustrated which causes me to be a little sullen, which drags her down more (but makes her more excited to see other people), which makes me more sullen etc etc. A destructive cycle.

I also told her that I thought she was depressed during our talk and should see someone just to confirm either way (i.e. depressed about the children thing - perhaps this isn't right? ). I think this could be having some impact on her day to day life and mental state. She took it on board and said that she needed space and also to find out whether it was me making her depressed or what we've been through (and it comes out whilst she's at home, with me). A bit of an experiment, I guess.

I'm worried that it's the start of a slippery slope. Once you move out, that's part of the way to splitting up completely. There's nothing to force you to confront your problems and work at them, you can just run away.

I'm also worried, that she will move out, get much more support from her family, friends, etc, because she is on her own, which will make her feel better and then she will come to the conclusion that it is my fault she's depressed. She's never going to want to get fix things then.

Also, she's had a lot taken off her plate recently, no more affair, no more hiding, finally being able to talk about her feelings, no longer forced to be mute on the subject. I imagine it's a weight off her shoulders. But it's been replaced by talking to try and get through all of this (which brings us both down!). If she moves out and doesn't have any of these things to bring her down, she's bound to feel better, blame it on me and never want to get back together.

Most of all, I guess I'm worried that she is depressed because of me and would realise this. I wouldn't get a chance to try and fix things and relationship would be over. What could I do then?? Whatever I could try wouldn't be enough.

I still feel incredibly lost and scared. I do still love her and want to be there for her. I'm just scared about what might need to happen and that we may never get back together again if she does move out. I know it seems like control (and I'm sure I'll be flamed for it), but it's insecurity, not control, and the fear of what I might lose.

What bothers me the most is her lying to you. She has found lying to be a normal part of her life. Dishonesty, cheating, deception are all signs of an unhealthy individual and all of these are certain poison to a relationship.

Without trust there is no relationship. It’s time to think about yourself. Stop thinking of her needs because she has long ago stopped being concerned about yours.

Stop blaming yourself for your failing relationship. There are many wives who are unhappy, feel neglected by their husbands, and want much more in their lives. Some of them choose divorce and others choose to cheat. The difference between the two is morality. Counseling can solve a lot of problems in a relationship but counseling will not teach her morality. It is wrong to knowingly hurt other people. Lying is wrong and infidelity is wrong.

I’d suggest moving on without her.

You are in the middle of a long process of discovery, and understanding, right now, and there is no telling what will be revealed, but its apparent you have your own fears, and insecurities to deal with. Its mighty hard to see reality, and find solutions to any problem, big or small, when you are so distracted by your own fears. I think it would be a good idea to lay those fears on the table, for both your wife, and counselor can see them plainly, so you all can be guided by the honesty and courage of unburdening yourself. That's the first step in focusing on what's important, and what is NOT. I think your carrying too much of a burden for yourself, to be able to help, or support your wife through her issues, and to be honest, you are the one who needs the help, support, and guidance through your own issues which are based in fear, and not FACTS.

Being honest about your own fear with them both may give you the freedom to escape the trap your in of not being realistic about what your up against, or being able to figure out what to do about it. You wouldn't be the first one to find out you are doing more harm than good by holding on so tightly to the thing you fear most, HER LEAVING, that you make yourself a slave to the idea of holding on, when letting her go to deal with her own issues without you, is a better course of action for you both in the long run.

At least you could focus on restoring faith, and confidence in yourself, and love yourself. Trust me, that's the strength you need to get through this hard difficult time you're going through. You can never love another enough to help them through anything until the love for yourself has been fully restored.

I'm not coping very well.

I feel that my entire life - everything I've held dear and trusted in - has been taken away from me in the past 2 months. I feel so scared and I find it impossible to trust my wife. I get nervous when she doesn't text me, I feel a compulsion to look for things that are out of place in day to day life and then worry about them, I don't seem to be getting a grip on life. It's starting to really affect my life. Sometimes I'm fine, then at other times I am very tetchy and irritable. I haven't flown off the handle... yet, but I'm sure that it's just round the corner.

Things that shouldn't bother me really do. I've gone from being a calm, "water off a duck's back" person to an up tight, anxious, more aggressive person. I have mood swings too. I'm constantly tired. I don't like it and want it to stop.

My wife admitted that she's been passively looking for another place to stay on property websites, but she hasn't had any viewings. She told me about it, I didn't find out myself, but she only told me because she thought I already knew from snooping (I've put snooping behind me). I honestly didn't know, so it came as quite a shock. I've found that hard to deal with and am expecting her to have her bags packed one day when I come home from work (she has told me that she won't do this, but it doesn't help - I'm still anxious).

Also, her parents have come up to see her whilst I've been giving her some space, and have looked through our external backup hard disk (it was obvious they had - I didn't have to snoop) which contains all of our financial docs, photos and more. She says that it was just so that she could look at photos, and I think I believe her, but it took me 3 days to get that out of her - even after I told her that her initial excuse wasn't the most water-tight. If she'd come and asked me first, I would have done it for her with no questions asked!

I'm lost and still very very scared.

If she'd come and asked me first, I would have done it for her with no questions asked!

Do you see how dumb that was to say or even think? If I ever saw a guy who needs to be removed from a situation, so he could think, and clear his mind, its YOU!!

Its time for you to get some counceling for your own welfare. Stop thinking of her and start moving forward for your own stability. Loss is a very difficult thing to go through for anyone. Try and pull yourself together enough to get make some calls for that counceling and also you need to get some advice from attorney just so see were you stand. Talk to friends and family of your own let them know how you feel. Good luck

Thank you for your words of support. I'm feeling calmer now. I'm having so many ups and down at the moment, it's un true.

I forgot to mention that we are both going to counselling on Mondays. It is helping, but at the moment we are going over old ground which is dragging up old stuff. That's not helping!

I'm not going to seek out an attorney yet. I'm not done trying. You are right though, I have to start focusing on myself. I might not know how! ONly a confident and secure man is going to have a real chance of winning my wife back to loving and fancying me. I think she's amenable, but she just gets infuriated by my wobbly moods.

I feel stronger tonight though.

I will tell a vexing thing about me in my relationship - I cannot seem to let of past resentments. The scenes and feeling come into mind again again sometimes when I lest expect it. At one time, I thought it was that my mother did the same thing but I have since read it may be a common characteristic of women in their relationships. When you mentioned your exasperation with your wife I wanted to share with a female perspective. I have read and observer and feel that it is a real problem in my relationship. Progress depends on letting go of the past and reliving it in living color does not help the process. I k ow that my SO feels that I am persecuting him and punishing him for past things that he did that hurt me when he feels that he has already resolved the issue and acknowledged my hurt. Although are doing better I still feel the need to bring them up less so now I try but I some I just need to express my feelings about my SO does not even remember. He hears me out and gives me his attention bless him and I keep it short and I do acknowledge that it is unfair but if he will bear with me he does although I know it bothers him but I don't feel the need to do it very much anymore. I do thank him for helping me, well us really.
I can imagine how difficult it is to listen over and over again but if she is like me she may actually be trying to get you to reassure her and tell her you understand her feeling. I need reassurance at intervals especially when there is some conflict but even when there is none. This may be a fale characteristic but I can't talk for everyone. I can imagine from were you are sitting it is very difficult but you may be able to work past this.
If you can ask the therapist for a way that you can tolerate her need to keep talking about these things, she has to acknowledge that at some point she can keep going over these things with there is a limit. Get it out, you reassure her that you understand her feeling (I think you have done that) but she is prob asking for reassure like asking do you still love me? It should be obvious but I can tell you as a women I know I need to hear it.
I hope there some eliment of what I said that will be useful. If I can tell you anything else that would help let me know.

I tolerate things that are bothering me in silence for a long time. I try to say just as it is happening but if I say it and I am ignored or told that it is a nonissue, I try to explain my side bit it seems to push him away even more. I feel as if what I feel is trivial and not worth bothering about. It makes resentful and angry I thing I transfer my anger into finding every little thing makes me angry so I complain about them as a surrogate the issue that my man felt was not an issue. Anyone can finds things to complain about so I have ample material. This was never conscious I am aware of it now because counciling and books. Because of my fault finding My SO felt he could do nothing right and he retreated to protect himself and I became more resentful and on and on.

The moral of this tale is that there were things I had to suppress talking about yrs and yrs ago because I knew I would not be heard. That led to other complaints until we retreated from each other. I eventually began to think that I would be happier away from him. He never realized how close I came to leaving we are doing better.

I forgot to mention that we are both going to counseling on Mondays. It is helping, but at the moment we are going over old ground which is dragging up old stuff. That's not helping!

Maybe it doesn't help you, but I bet she feels good to be dumping some of those old feelings. I don't think its just a female thing, but Allie is so to the point as to how resentments that are not resolved can actually fester and grow, and lead to a variety of emotional explosions and reacts that will freak out both partners, and can be as hurtful as being hit in the head with a baseball bat. The longer they are buried, instead of resolved. I think the worse the upheaval is when the do resurface as old feelings are quite powerful.

Sometimes the solutions to our problems are not that popular, or didn't work that well, or have been ignored so long, that we just bury those feelings, and go with the flow, and think by just ignoring the problem, it will just cease to exist. Its like putting tape on a leaky pipe instead of fixing the pipe correctly. The rug gets wet again, and we have to deal with it again. That's frustrating because we thought/hoped that it was over with.

I find myself often putting band aid on wounds that require a tourniquet, and the problem isn't solved but only out of mind for the moment until the bleeding starts all over again.

Paying attention at these sessions will give you some valuable clues as to what your wife really thought of your solutions, and actions which you did for whatever reason, that may have solved the problem for you, but not for her. It always hurts to know we didn't fix things well enough for our partners, or give them what they needed at the time.

One thing that stops us from paying attention to our partners is, (hearing what they are really saying), its easy to take things so deeply personal, when we are confronted with the way they feel, we fail to focus on their feelings, and only see our reaction, if that makes sense, and we miss the whole picture of what they try to tell us the problem is, or the outcome they want from us. Its darn hard to listen closely when we are overwhelmed by there emotions or bewildered by their actions and reactions. It's a shame we get so carried away by our own feelings we lose touch with theirs sometimes, and miss the whole point of communicating in the process. UNDERSTANDING.

Listen to those resentments ( old, unresolved feelings) your wife is venting, think about them, learn what she is really saying, see them from her view, so you can understand what she is really saying, without the distraction of YOUR reactions to them. Sometimes its as simple as giving her the control to do it her way, and NOT yours.

Like asking you to pull up some pictures on the computer, that she is capable of doing herself.

Wanted to add that I was able to fully and freely vent my feeling at first. I would sometimes bring up some concern when it popped into my head. But my need to vent died down rapidly because all I needed was validation that I was hurt.

If you will try to hear her out - her reason for reacting negatively may have off. Try not to listen to the content but to how she feelings. You may feel you want to defend yourself and you should have that, But let her go first then you go. All from my perspective.