OK... so I am going to be a descriptive as I can as to shed the most light on our situation, because I am confused and obviously distressed about the situation.

So we begin about 9 months ago we met, fell in love, the sex was amazing and he always 'did' and said things to make me feel wanted loved and always told me how sexy I was, there is NO way we could lay next to each other with out his hands being left off me, often he'd even fondle me in his sleep.. :-) He used to send me the most amazing texts all throughout the day, and we'd speak several times often we were up (on the nights we didn't see each other) till 1 or 2am, just talking...
We'd often not be able to control our sexual urges, resulting in public sex... I remember these times fondly.

Now, I know honeymoon phases come to a close, but about 4 months in there was a sudden cease. I even bought it up with him, thinking he was seeing someone else (the loving texts stopped very abruptly) everything ceased. This is when I became the initiator.

Now, I have a 3 year old, who has (since we've been together) been diagnosed with High functioning asd (autism), and he has helped me through a very over controlling mother.
To recently add to our array of problems, I have recently been advised I am going in for surgery to have a biopsy on my uterus.

We moved in together about 6 weeks ago, and since then I don't think he has initiated sex once. We have sex about once a week (always ME initiating) I KNOW we love each other VERY much, but when there was no intimacy at all (not even kissing) I felt at a loss, so STUPIDLY (I KNOW HOW WRONG THIS IS) looked through his email... I found 2 emails to an escort (THAT DAY), I talked to him about it in a very calm way and he explained that he was enquiring about it for a poker night with the boys (meanwhile a quick search of her name and it CLEARLY stated she was only in brisbane for 2 days) and the 'poker' night was the following weekend. After him feeling a little upset that I betrayed his trust, he came to me and said "Honey is I was organising something 'like' that dont you think I'd be smarter than to do it via email that I know you have the password to??' He then stated he wasnt going to change his passwords- because he has nothing to hide. Am I a fool for believing this www.jessica-detorres.com (this is ONE of the escorts he contacted) DOES THIS look like someone you would hire for a BOYS poker night?

I accpeted what he said, and decided that if something was craving that 'naughty side' I'd find it for him... I went and bought AWESOMELY sexy lingerie and was all set to seduce him. When he got home I was soooo excited (and horny- about what I prepared) I was all set to get our 3 year old off to bed ON TIME it was a friday night, he then asked my our 3 year old to stay up and watch the footy (much to my dismay) ALL night I had been hinting at a suprise for hin suggestively.. then just incase he didnt pick up on the hints- when we were out the back having a smoke, I TOLD him that his SUPRISE was off the 'R' RAted kind... he said he wished I had have made it more clear earlier (this was 8pm) he kept our boy up till 9.30pm by that time his favourite team was playing footy (which I totally understand) So I went to bed, deflated. but still hoping for 'something' he came to bed after the game, spooned me, then i pressed backed into him, fondled him EVERYTHING.... only to realise.... he was asleep.... or pretending to be.

A light at the end of this tunnel finally took place Sunday night, but wasnt how I imagined BUT intense none the less.... He went out and I jumped in the shower got my 3 year old to bed, got all SEXED up in all my new lingerie and a satin pink kimono.. he knocked on the door... I opened the door... and my kimono... he said wow baby you look amazing... kissed me, and continued bringing the stuff inside that he bought home, I sat on the lounge trying to not get upset, I left the kimono OPEN revealing ALL.. He layed next to me for a second, and stroked my arm, he asked what was wrong "I said this wasn't exactly the reaction I was expecting". He then got up and had a shower, came back out, layed down next to me... and we kissed.. it was a VERY SLOW start but ended up being very memorable. I have NEVER gone to this extent for ANY man (Ive never had to) I have been blessed physically and am sweet and sexy. WHAT THE hell have I done? I am the perfect stepford wife.. if you will. I cook, clean do ALL the washing ( I ENJOY DOING THESE things and caring for my family) He KISSES me like he kisses his mother. Unless we are having the Sex that I initiate.. now .. we live together... he rarely masturbates (unless he is doing it at the office)

In his defence he works very hard, and we have a lot of other things going on.

I am A VERY attractive female, and he is a reformed 'Player' and has slept with many women. I haven't, I have had a few sexual partners but no where near his amount. He's way past the 100's. this isnt to say I am not experienced, I have been in long relationships, and KNOW how to please a MAN, its really odd in every other relationship I have been in just LAYING next to my partner turns them on. with MY partner its me who is turned on, I have tried leaving him alone.... hoping that maybe HE will initiate... then he falls asleep, and I end up getting out of bed and having a smoke to ease the frustration.

WHATS even more frustrating is not being able to tell when he IS asleep, he moans and groans in his sleep, and responds to touch.. ON many occassions.. I'll be initiating for over 10 mins before I hear the dreaded snore. HELP ME. I have a LOT of stresses at the moment and NEED his love and affection. I NEED INTIMACY. I have expressed this to him always using the "I" word instead of "you" . He says he shows my love and adoration for me by working so hard for our family. I do special loving things for him ALL the time. I make EXQUISITE dinners, his favourite cakes, special 'love' notes. ONLY hoping it may be reciprocated... it hasn't.

I am not a jealous person by any means (neither is he) but he is constantly on twitter, talking with an insanely hot girl from another state, he stated until just recently that they only chatted about footy (as 3 girls in australia have a blog site on footy) www.oherrol.com He then goes on to mention yesterday that this 'girl' had put him in touch with an 'autism fundraising company'... so what this says to me is their 'friendship' definitely Isn't just footy related. That is a pretty sensitive topic, does this mean they've discussed other things? Should I be worried? They flirt openly on line (harmless stuff- which hasn't bothered me- until now)

HE IS AN amazing LOVER! The BEST Ive ever had, he gave me my first orgasm! :-) And when we do finally have sex each of us find it equally amazing.. I love pleasing him.

I think I have covered everything, I take GREAT pride in my appearencem and always dress up before he gets home. He hardly ever showers before he comes to bed. I feel like I am the only one trying, am I doing TOO much?

My guess is that he's bored with sex. I mean, 100s of partners will make you extremely bored of sex.

Ever considered asking about his kinks? Perhaps you'd find something that would peak his interest in sex more.

Perhaps light bondage for starters? Consider discussing this with him.

I think you both need to read a book called "The Five Love Languages"

You are both showing love in different ways, and you need to discuss how that works, and how to compromise on it. Read the book together--or get two copies and highlight what makes sense to you in YOUR copy, and have him do the same in HIS copy---then swap.

You're communicating on different levels here, and you need to find some common ground to start from.

Thanks so much for the responses- will try both- I tried venting in an 'i' not 'you' way and it resulted in him picking me up running a bath for us both and him showing his appreciation for me- but am I asking too much? Sex once a week? I want more- it's not like I am wanting 3 times a day- but a few times a week would be awesome- how do I bring up these topics?? Please help!!


My guess is that he's bored with sex. I mean, 100s of partners will make you extremely bored of sex.

Ever considered asking about his kinks? Perhaps you'd find something that would peak his interest in sex more.

Perhaps light bondage for starters? Consider discussing this with him.

How do I approach this?

Okay so you know what you want, but you don't seem to know what he wants. Find out by talking about it, directly, and straight forward, when you are not so hot to trot. (pay attention, and listen )

I don't think you talk enough to each other, and have no clue what's on his mind. I also think your wants, and needs distracts you from finding out more about him, on a deeper level. Besides being sweet, and good looking, it takes more than just the physical to get in someone's mind.

Make love to the mind, the body will follow. I really don't think he will fall for your outward beauty, and stroke your ego, unless you know what makes him TICK! Not being cruel, but I think he needs more than just beauty to be sexually turned on, and like Synnen has alluded to, maybe you are NOT reading him accurately YET!

When lingerie doesn't work, try conversation over coffee, in the mornings. Why does it make a difference if YOU initiate instead of him, and why is it so important that he be awake? Why can't he wake up to you getting off on him while he is sleep? I only ask to see where your head is at.

Thanks for the input- but morning coffees never happen- he wakes up (after several alarm bells) and gives is a kiss goodbye then he is off to work- he stays up late- and I try to be understanding in giving him his wind down time- by doing things HE loves- ie- head and back scratches (he asks for these) then I wait up till he is ready to go to bed - but by that time he is soooo ready for sleep- that within 2 seconds he is asleep- this is after me fondling him - then he rolls over- this is a nightly experience- he told me he couldn't wait till we had morning 'quickies' before work- it's happened ONCE in 8 weeks- we are literally having sex once a week- all I do when I am close and alone with him is think about his embrace- I've expressed my concerns- and he reassured there was nothing I was doing or nothing else he is wanting me to do sexually- he says I am the best he's ever had and e is extremely turned on by me- but actions speak louder than words- don't get me wrong- I don't mind initiating sex- but to initiate and get 'turned down' or turned 'away' from leaves me feeling inadequate and unloved- if I hadn't tried verbalising the situation with him- I wouldn't be asking anonomys strangers- I am struggling to find options I haven't already tried - I don't take what you're saying as cruel- I take it as constructive critisim- but in my defence - I am an active lover- and enjoy pleasing- I am not bored- why is he ? I've asked- he says nothings wrong and I am beyond perfect to him- I've never ever had a higher sex drive than any of my other partners... Sigh- it happened again this morning- he started rubbbing against me- I took it further- he rolled over and went back to sleep- or stayed asleep- he gets cranky I he's woken up- so I am at my wits end- and sexually frustrated...

What if I told you he is the way he is, and there is no changing him, so you will always be sexually frustrated, unless you relieve yourself. Now what?? What if he never changes no matter what you do??

Remember, like women, men all have different sex drives. Your drive is once a week. His may be less. I don't know what I would personally do if my lover insisted on once a week. Lol. Takl to him as best as you can. Try to figure out what would work for BOTH of you. Maybe meet in the middle and see how 2 times a month goes?
Good luck!


Thanks so much for the responses- will try both- I tried venting in an 'i' not 'you' way and it resulted in him picking me up running a bath for us both and him showing his appreciation for me- but am I asking too much? Sex once a week? I want more- it's not like I am wanting 3 times a day- but a few times a week would be awesome- how do I bring up these topics??? Please help!!!!



How do I approach this?