I am from a very troubled muslim family. My father has had extramarital affairs most of his married life with several women. He used to drink every night and beat up my mother severely. She never left him because she was afraid she might not get the custody of her children, she didn't have a job or a place to go if she left him, she still loved him(they had a love marriage) and had hope that one day he will love her again.

even if she didn't leave him and raised me and my brother with love and care by sacrificing her own happiness, she had lost some of her mental stability. When she was frustrated she used to punish us brutally (both mentally and physically, she would whip herself while she made my brother and me watch or burn our books if we didn't want to study). My father had beaten me up at several occasions, he wanted my mother to take me & leave the house, he always loved my brother, as he is the first born. My mother had become very frustrated and angry & started to hate my brother as he was my fathers favorite & he had grown & still was not brave enough to confront him to save his mother. We are both very afraid of our father still. There was not a day in our life when there was no shouting or beating. Still we loved our mother with all our hearts and were always very eager to please her. She faced so much pain just so that me my brother can have a family... we can never do enough for her. She prayed to Allah everyday for my father's love. My father finally fell for a very wicked woman who destroyed his carrier and his image (he was a very famous engineer of his time). He finally devoted himself to family and Allah. This should have been the happy ending. But that was not the case.

My father no longer drank or had affairs, in fact he had become a man of Allah, but he did not love my mother, but he pretended to.
And my mother, after 30 years of physical and mental agony, had lost her mental stability. She still acts like a normal person, but does no longer think like one. She always duels in her mind over her past memories, she cannot forget all the betrayal even for a second. She always pokes my father, demeans him, insults him. He bears with her for days before suddenly he burst into angry growls and hell breaks loose in our house.

We hoped when we started our own family, we can be happy again. My brother married a girl of his choice. My parents didn't approve of her. She came from a rich family with a business background. My parents preferred families with education background. The marriage faced unnecessary bitternesses. After that, my parents started to poke on my sister in law. They didn't like her having a job, even though my mother always told that she wants her daughter in law to have a job so she can support herself. They didn't like her visiting her family. They forbade my brother to go to his in laws. My sister in law tried her best to cooperate with my parents. She changed her lifestyle to cope with this new family. She had never seen such twists in a family before. It took a lot of willpower for her to cope with our family. And I was finally happy for my brother because she made him happy. They always got along but my parents never liked her nor forgave her for the mishap during the wedding no matter what she did for our family. After her first son was born, my sister in law gave up her job because my father strongly prohibited it. After my marriage I joined a new family and for the first time in my life I know what a real family feels like. My mother in law is always hugging and caring for her children. I am treated just like a daughter at my in laws and not a daughter in law. But my mother (Allah forgive me, because you know I love her, more than anything in this world), started ill treating my husband. This brought my marriage in trouble. But my father had found out and forbade her ever to treat him that way because this will make me unhappy and my in laws will know about it. They like my in laws very much as they have scholarly background. They are doctors and pious.

Even though my parents cannot live without chaos, we love them dearly. No matter how unhappy they made us, we are what we are because of them. They loved us even though they didn't love each other. My brother does not want to live separately from them. He wants his wife to get along and forget all the bad things they say about her everyday and live together as long as our parents live.

Our parents no longer care that this girl has made their son happy and gave them two adorable grandchildren. They can't stand her in the family. Our parents have scolded her and called her parents bad names and said that they can never cope with her because she is not in their league.
My sister in law has always bared with her own insults but she refuses to bear any insults intended towards her parents. She has locked herself up in her own room and refuses to talk to our parents. She refuses to go to her parents because she does not want to leave my brother alone as he is suffering the most. He cannot go to father or mother as they are not in right mind to understand the pain or suffering they are causing him. I can't say for sure but I think they want him to divorce her, take the custody of the children and leave her without anything. But neither my brother nor me want the same fate for the children as we had. We don't want them to grow up in the chaos that we had to grow up in.

I have tried to reason with my parents in every way possible. I have tried to show them how tortured their son is... they refuse to see to it because they feel the are more tortured by him. They are very pious but they cannot see what they are doing to their son in the name of Allah.
It has become impossible for my sister in law to cope with my parents any longer. But she will not tell her husband to get a separate house as she feels it is inhuman to ask someone to leave their parents. And brother loves them and feels Allah will never forgive him if he leaves his parents. I have offered my help, I said we can both take turns to look after our parents even if we don't live with them. But my mother said she will not allow any of her children to see her face even when she dies if he leaves this house. She now hates me for supporting my brother. She feels she has conceived two devils in her womb to be having to see this day when both her children are trying to destroy all the effort she has put into raising us.

Can you please give me a solution to this problem? How can my brother finally be at peace? He has even considered divorcing his wife and giving her the custody of the children even though he loves his wife and children very much. I'm afraid he might go insane from the pressure. He can not leave like this when our parents hate him so much. He wants to get his family a separate home but only with his parents permission and blessing. He thinks leaving his parents will be the greatest sin he would ever do.

Please help us... what can we do? We love our parents and do not want to cause them any pain. We don't mind taking the mental torture but my brother's marriage and children are at stake.

I come from the same cultural background and I understand what you are going through.

Considering divorce under the pressure of parents would be just so unfair for you sister in law because we all know how difficult it is to survive for women in a shallow culture like ours. Please ask your brother not to even consider that option. He is a grown up and a married man and he should act like one.

Please do not take my post offensive. But I think half of it is your brother's fault that he lets all this happen in the first place. I understand your family's situation and how your mother's attitude towards life itself has become bitter, but the thing is, that your brother is the one who married this innocent girl and HE is the only person responsible for her physicall and emotional well being.

I Suggest that he should stand by her side and tell his parents in a respectable but in strong way that he loves them but he loves his wife and children as well and can never ever let them go. He also needs to ask them to respect him by respecting her. He really needs to stand up and tell them all this strongly if wants to be in peace. Also if you sis in law has given so much efforts for so much time, then I think she deserves something back as well. I wonder how the poor children must be doing in all of this.

A separate home is a right of everyone woman where she can live peacfully and the husband can not deny her that right. Even in islam, a husband can not deny a women her own home if she wants it. If all is said and done, then I think moving out would be the best option.

You and your brother bear a burden that is not yours, and its very unfortunate that your parents are the way they are. That is not of your making, and not of your control, and as hard as it is you must both have a chance to build a happy life with the families you have made for yourselves.

If that means leaving your parents home, and making your own, then so be it. Yes their will be guilt, but its for the good of you all and necessary to not let the scars of the past guilt you, or your brother, escape the past, and present mistakes that makes everyone miserable. You both have your own families that you are responsible for, and that includes a healthy happy environment to grow in.

You have both loved, and honored your parents through a lot of difficult times, and now you must do it from a distance, so you can survive. It will be a hard thing to do for sure, and you will face many challenges, but I think if you face them with the same love in your hearts, that you have shown already, then your God will bless you with the peace, and happiness that you both need, and deserve.

Many people, not just those of your culture face the same things when our parents get older, and they change either physically, emotionally, or mentally, and are incapable of giving love or deal properly with their circumstances. All we can do is pray for strength, guidance, and the wisdom to know what the right thing to do is, under very trying circumstances. I for one think you have a great plan, with what's best for all involved, and hope you don't let guilt stop you from having peace that you all need.

You can't change your parents, but you can love, pray and watch out for them, from a safe and merciful distance. Then your healing can begin, and hopefully, the healing of your parents also. Its not an easy path, but a good one, so tell that to your brother, and make it happen.

All our prayers are with you on this journey.