Im in a Trinogamous relationship. I've lost family members and friends over this. My GF basically lost her job over it. It's a long story that I am willing to share. Between the three of us, it works out. It's when other people get involved that makes it not work.

Hello C,

Can you please give us a history on this, so that we will have a better understanding on how to help answer questions?

Thank you.

first it is normally a good idea at work to keep any "relationship" to yourself, and if you are in some less than normally accepted, it is always best.

What works for you, and anyone else is what works for you.

So you lose some friends and family, I lost many when I married a lady of a different race. I have lost jobs over my religious or social issue values.

If you and the others are really happy, then that is the issue isn't it

I was with my GF (ABV) for about a year an' half when it all came about. Her best friend (AA), whom she had lived with for about 3yrs an' known for about 5 was in an abusive relationship. Her boyfriend was a drunk who got rough with her from time to time. Me being the empathetic person that I am, befriended this girl a li'l more. I have history with being a strong-grounding source for my friends in dire situations. So, AA an' I became close friends, completely plutonic. After awhile, AA an' I started to have feelings for each other an' I had a strong feeling that we'd be good together. Though I was, (and still am) very much in love with my current GF, ABV. So I told ABV that I had feelings for AA an' that I thought that I could be a catalyst for her to move on from her abusive BF. ABV knows me very well an' agreed that I could AND should help her. So AA an I started dating. ABV was totally fine with it. It was her best friend an' all she wanted was for her to get out of that relationship, an' have a good one with a better man, ME (I guess). I told AA that I didn't want to leave ABV, an' I told ABV that I was falling in love with AA. Both girls said, "OK, I want to be with you, even if you're with her." One of the only reasons this relationship works is because these two girls were best friends, in fact they lived together for 3yrs, as I mentioned. Their mothers are friends too, which is actually a whole 'nother crazy story that will most likely come up later. AA's family an' friends were/are very happy that she got out of that relationship. AA has grown SO MUCH an' has had the chance to be herself an' focus on her job an' school, opposed to taking care of a drunk an' their 13 animals an' house an' cleaning up after him, etc etc. This relationship has been going on for about 2yrs now. Needless to say, I've had to explain my situation with friends an' family. Some are OK with it. Most of them have no contact with me anymore. I guess it challenges their morals too much, which is understandable if you can only see in black and white.

first it is normally a good idea at work to keep any "relationship" to yourself, and if you are in some less than normally accepted, it is always best.

What works for you, and anyone else is what works for you.

So you lose some friends and family, I lost many when I married a lady of a different race. I have lost jobs over my religious or social issue values.

If you and the others are really happy, then that is the issue isn't it

I hear you. It's a li'l hard to keep things to myself though. Thanksgiving, X-mas, parties. We're fine doing things with all three of us. It's just that If my friends have seen me with ABV for a year an' a half, then they see me kiss AA, I didn't want them to think that I was cheating on ABV. Or sometimes one of them will bring me lunch at work, people ask me; "sooooo, wassup? How many GFs do you have?" So I tell the truth. Actually, my answer has morphed into; "it's complicated".

I was with my GF (ABV) for about a year an' half when it all came about. Her best friend (AA), whom she had lived with for about 3yrs an' known for about 5 was in an abusive relationship. Her boyfriend was a drunk who got rough with her from time to time. Me being the empathetic person that I am, befriended this girl a li'l more. I have history with being a strong-grounding source for my friends in dire situations. So, AA an' I became close friends, completely plutonic. After awhile, AA an' I started to have feelings for each other an' I had a strong feeling that we'd be good together. Though I was, (and still am) very much in love with my current GF, ABV. So I told ABV that I had feelings for AA an' that I thought that I could be a catalyst for her to move on from her abusive BF. ABV knows me very well an' agreed that I could AND should help her. So AA an I started dating. ABV was totally fine with it. It was her best friend an' all she wanted was for her to get out of that relationship, an' have a good one with a better man, ME (I guess). I told AA that I didn't want to leave ABV, an' I told ABV that I was falling in love with AA. Both girls said, "OK, I want to be with you, even if you're with her." One of the only reasons this relationship works is because these two girls were best friends, in fact they lived together for 3yrs, as I mentioned. Their mothers are friends too, which is actually a whole 'nother crazy story that will most likely come up later. AA's family an' friends were/are very happy that she got out of that relationship. AA has grown SO MUCH an' has had the chance to be herself an' focus on her job an' school, opposed to taking care of a drunk an' their 13 animals an' house an' cleaning up after him, etc etc. This relationship has been going on for about 2yrs now. Needless to say, I've had to explain my situation with friends an' family. Some are OK with it. Most of them have no contact with me anymore. I guess it challenges their morals too much, which is understandable if you can only see in black and white.

Thank you for sharing your story.

This is how I see it. If all three of you are happy, then more power to you.

Would I have a relationship with two others at the same time? Most likely no. But this is about you, not any one else.

People are going to talk and people are going to judge.

Don't let them get the best of you.

If I were your friend, I would want you to be happy and I would tell you that I would support you through this, as it's really no big deal any how.

Interesing.. It doesn't usually work because people don't usually like to share the one they love with someone else.. I guess in your case it does because they are friends.. I wonder though are you ever planning to marry?

Also what I'm understanding is that the two of them are not in a relationship? As in they are both in love with you but not with each other.. They are just friends, is that right?

Your question is, "why can't there be three people in a relationship", and obviously, from what you've said, three can be three people in a relationship.

Usually if there are three, one of them is a secret affair, and one party in the 'original couple' is unaware. Sometimes for years.

But, you have two women, both of them are girlfriends to you, and both of them are friends, to each other.

Why do you feel the need to justify it, and on the consequence side of that, why are you surprised when you've lost family, friends, and a job over it. Why did anybody need to know in the first place. Is there a reason why it is common knowledge?

Seems to me you are setting yourself up, by informing people that you are in what would be considered an unusual relationship. You call one your girlfriend at a party, yet kiss the other one at the same party, and then, what... it's a surprise that people are confused?

If you choose to live this lifestyle, go right ahead. But, to presume that people cannot accept it, isn't fair. You just aren't giving them a choice.

Why not just keep it to yourself, and avoid a lot of heartache.

why can't there be three people in a relationship?
I don't hear Mormons complaining, and they have a lot more than just 3. This is America, and you can do your thing, but I don't have to like it, but I can't change it either. Tell your girlfriend to sue her employer for discrimination, if that was truly the reason she was fired. I suspect they gave her a better reason than that though.

If you were married to both of them I'd have an issue, because that's illegal, but you're not, so what's the big deal?

I guess most of the people on this site are a lot more understanding and accepting than the people you know in life.

If all three of you are happy, there's no jealousy, no one is doing this just because they don't want to lose a friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend, than it's your business and no one else's.

My dad always told me something that I do my best to adhere to.

When it comes to friends, family, and work, never discuss sex, religion or politics. If you steer clear of those 3 subjects you should be okay.

Just fyi, relationships fall under the sex category. ;)

Interesing..It doesn't usually work because people don't usually like to share the one they love with someone else..I guess in your case it does because they are friends.. I wonder though are you ever planning to marry?

Also what i'm understanding is that the two of them are not in a relationship? As in they are both in love with you but not with eachother..They are just friends, is that right?

We're not married, an' the thought of marriage is still a big "?" I'm not quite there yet.
They are just friends, no intimacy there.

Your question is, "why can't there be three people in a relationship", and obviously, from what you've said, three can be three people in a relationship.

Usually if there are three, one of them is a secret affair, and one party in the 'original couple' is unaware. Sometimes for years.

But, you have two women, both of them are girlfriends to you, and both of them are friends, to eachother.

Why do you feel the need to justify it, and on the consequence side of that, why are you surprised when you've lost family, friends, and a job over it. Why did anybody need to know in the first place. Is there a reason why it is common knowledge?

Seems to me you are setting yourself up, by informing people that you are in what would be considered an unusual relationship. You call one your girlfriend at a party, yet kiss the other one at the same party, and then, what.........it's a surprise that people are confused?

If you choose to live this lifestyle, go right ahead. But, to presume that people cannot accept it, isn't fair. You just aren't giving them a choice.

Why not just keep it to yourself, and avoid a lot of heartache.

For one thing, it sure would be nice to be able to live my life an' not be judged by it, or hide anything from anybody. I want to live out in the open like everyone else, (well, to an extent. You catch my drift). Im not "informing", Im answering questions honestly. Im not surprised that they, (friends/family) are confused. It's kind of hard to hide these things from friends an' family unless you live under a rock. I prefer to be honest an' out in the open. It just sucks that people are so forceful with what they think is right/wrong, an' they will hurt you in some way, or "fire" you because you contradict what THEY think.

It just sucks that people are so forceful with what they think is right/wrong, an' they will hurt you in some way, or "fire" you because you contradict what THEY think.

Welcome to being human. Go to the religious forum and have a read, than you'll find out that you're not the only one that's judged or ridiculed because you contradict what someone else thinks.

This is life. Even if you chose one girl, married her, had kids, went to church every Sunday etc. etc. there are still going to be things that other people don't agree with about your lifestyle and your choices.

So, you either care what these people think and change what you're doing (be prepared to change a lot of things) or you talk to them, tell them that this is what you've chosen for yourself, that you don't expect them to do the same, or to even understand, but they either accept your choice and you, or they should be weary of the door hitting them in the arse on their way out.

That's what I would do, but then I don't let anyone tell me how to live my life, no matter who they are.

If you were married to both of them I'd have an issue, because that's illegal, but you're not, so what's the big deal?


I would never marry both of them. "Marriage" to me is between two people, or Mormons... no, I'm not Mormon.
The three of us are best friends. We're best friends because we know exactly who each other is. Just like I like it any other friend. Doesn't every body? Don't you want deep, poignant relationships with people that are close to you? I believe that requires knowing EXACTLY WHO a person is.
It's a hard place to be in folks. I really appreciate everyone's input! Even if it's against my situation, at least I get the chance to know the rebuttal of the opposition. Some friends just dropped me/us with no explanation, though it was obvious and hearing it through the "grapevine". Sometimes strangers can be the most helpful. Good-'ol unbiased strangers.

It's a hard place to be in folks. I really appreciate everyone's input! Even if it's against my situation,

Did you read the posts?

No one was against your situation. In fact, not one person has said anything negative about your situation at all.

You quoted the first line of my post. Did you read the rest of it? I wasn't at all against your situation. If it works for you, great. I don't know why you need everyone's approval, but as far as this site goes, the people that have posted on this thread, you haven't gotten anything but acceptance.

Did you read the posts?

No one was against your situation. In fact, not one person has said anything negative about your situation at all.

You quoted the first line of my post. Did you read the rest of it? I wasn't at all against your situation. If it works for you, great. I don't know why you need everyone's approval, but as far as this site goes, the people that have posted on this thread, you haven't gotten anything but acceptance.

I know that nobody has anything bad to say. Maybe I was unclear? I don't need anyone's approval. Just had a question that I thought unbiased strangers could answer the most accurately for me. I apologize for the confusion. FYI, I have read thoroughly everyone's post, an' I think that they are all great an' have good insight.


And 1; I was just "painting the picture" a li'l better as far as elaborating the whole story

Good luck to you. As long as you are all honest with each other and happy.

I have enough trouble with one partner let alone two...

This is not at all negative I'm just really curious in regards to this situation lol.. How can you be in love with/ be attracted to 2 people in the same way? For me I feel like this situation can work but not in the long run?

Again not judging just curious..

This is not at all negative i'm just really curious in regards to this situation lol..How can you be in love with/ be attracted to 2 people in the exact same way? For me i feel like this situation can work but not in the long run?

Again not judging just curious..

I can see being attracted to and caring about 2 people, that's not an issue. After all, if we only had one soul mate out there than we'd be screwed. ;)

The problem for me is making it work jealousy wise. I can't imagine sharing my partner with anyone. I know I couldn't handle it.

It seems that the OP is making this situation work. I guess it depends on the people involved. In this case the two girls are friends, so maybe the relationship is okay with them because of the connection they have.

There are a few positives that I can see. If they stay together, live together, make this work, they are ahead in many aspects. Three incomes, three people caring for the home they live in, splitting the chores. If children ever come into play than there are 3 adults to help care for them, provide for them. I know that having another woman around to help with the day to day stuff is very appealing to me, but having her share my spouse as well, that isn't something I could handle.

If they're making it work, good for them. :)

Why do you think some people have a difficult time with it? I'm sure you already know the answer to it.

The three of you are fine with it and that is what counts, as long as you are also OK with some family and friends distancing themselves.

I find it amusing that you were the gentleman and offered your services to help be the catalyst for your friend to leave her abusive relationship! (Of course you could have also done that as a purely platonic friend).

Since the girls aren't bothered by the set up; they obviously are not interested in an exclusive one-to-one relationship with you, and you certainly are fine with it, search out friends who are not bothered by it.

Find people you can visit at holidays all together. Either don't bring it up at work places, or find jobs where the thinking is less mainstream.

I'm curious... was there ever any stepping outside the relationship before the friend came into the picture? Did you already have an open relationship where you and your girlfriend were fine with either of you seeing others? Had the two of you already been involved in some threesomes before or discussed the possibility of it?

Interesting concept to suggest to a partner if there wasn't already some sort of a foundation for it.

Yeah that's thing I don't I could make it work because of the jealousy factor.. I wonder if it would work if it were two guys and one girl? Hehe

Yeah that's thing i don't i could make it work because of the jealousy factor.. I wonder if it would work if it were two guys and one girl? hehe

If both of the guys clean house, cook and take care of the kids, I would be fine with that. ;)

This is not at all negative i'm just really curious in regards to this situation lol..How can you be in love with/ be attracted to 2 people in the exact same way? For me i feel like this situation can work but not in the long run?

Again not judging just curious..

It feels natural. It also helps that we are "friends", the three of us, an' as pairs. It's not a typical relationship with either one, at least compared to other couples that I/we see. We're very very close.


If both of the guys clean house, cook and take care of the kids, I would be fine with that. ;)

LOL! There is a whole community of people who are in "Trinogamous" relationships, you'd be surprised, I was.

Hmmm I'm kind of intrigued lol I don't think my boyfriend would go for it though!

If both of the guys clean house, cook and take care of the kids, I would be fine with that. ;)

You would have to throw in frequent back rubs too!

DoulaLC, I like your quote; "Babies of all nations are alike, until adults teach them."
You're right, as babies we know nothing an' are egoless. One of things that is taught (learned) is jealousy, fear, self esteem, "the farmer an' his wife", (a very black an' white way of looking at relationships). I guess in THAT sense, the three of us are still like babies, didn't really learn the jealousy thing.

I know how I feel and how I believe.
There are vows you take on your wedding day and that is to keep her/him only to yourself.

I think three in a marriage is not only morally wrong, it is making a mockery of marriage.

That's my opinion.

I think it sounds kind of funky how it all came about. Your girl friend says Yeah, you can be with her if it will help her leave this abuser. It's OK that you're falling for her, I don't have a problem with that. And they all live happily ever after.

I can't imagine a woman in her right mind falling for that, then you factor in a woman who has been abused, yeah she would do that to get away from her abuser. It's kind of twisted.

The treesome these days is no biggy, so I hear. Tell people it's what you do then I don't see why people would have a problem.
You tell the whole story and it kind of borders on swapping one abuser for another. That would turn a lot of people off.
I know it did me.

I know how i feel and how I believe.
There are vows you take on your wedding day and that is to keep her/him only to yourself.

I think three in a marriage is not only morally wrong, it is making a mockery of marriage.

That's my opinion.

I totally agree with you. We're not married.

I think it sounds kind of funky how it all came about. Your girl friend says Yeah, you can be with her if it will help her leave this abuser. It's OK that you're falling for her, I don't have a problem with that. And they all live happily ever after.

I can't imagine a woman in her right mind falling for that, then you factor in a woman who has been abused, yeah she would do that to get away from her abuser. It's kind of twisted.

The treesome these days is no biggy, so I hear. Tell people it's what you do then I don't see why people would have a problem.
You tell the whole story and it kind of borders on swapping one abuser for another. That would turn a lot of people off.
I know it did me.

I think that one of the reasons that my GF said that it was OK with her is partly because the other girl was/is her best friend. My GF had lived with the other girl AND her boyfriend, so, she saw it first hand. To me, that's the epidemy (sp?) of "unconditional love" (which Im sure most people are incapable of which makes this all hard to understand.) Please keep in mind that we ALL get along very well. We're all each others BEST friend. Also, there are no threesomes goin' on, no malarky hanky panky stuff, that's not my intention nor is it even in my bag. Ever since we all got together, life has been better for the three of us as individuals. I don't know why it's so hard for friends/family to see that.
I haven't been abusive, (?) I've been very supportive and nurturing. I actually help around the house, I cook, I clean, I take care of the animals, I don't drink/smoke, I have my own business an' I'm going to school. They are in school too; ones studying to be a doctor an' the other a Vet, so, we are all quite ambitious an' have our own things goin' on in life as individuals.
Please don't mistake us for people that belong on Jerry Springer.

I just think it a bit shaky that she would leave an abusive controlling relationship and go right to another relationship, one that she is sharing a man with another woman, the woman being her best friend. Kind of dependent! That you would even go there with her given what she has been through... I don't know it sounds like boundaries crossed that should not have been. The patient falling for the Doctor and he allowing it.

What if either of these women or the second one meets another man, is she even trusting of men, has being with you kept her from healing and growing after an abusive relationship. Is she going to be content sharing you for the rest of her life? I just find it all very odd. Especially this second lady and the circumstances...
But if it works for you, it's certainly your business.

I think the basic answer to your question is that people are scared of what they do not understand. Western society is conditioned to think that love is between one man and one woman. Anything other than this is confusing because we are taught that it's wrong to live ANY other way. Also, I dare say there is a hell of a lot of jealous guys out there because they want what u have (what red blooded guy wouldn't) but their girls are not open to it. To get the same thing they would have to be deceitful.

I've actually been trying to achieve this kind of relationship for myself but the motivation is different. I'm attempting to meet people who are open minded about it and non-judgmental.