Hello,

I am not normally a dramatic person but my current situation is complicated.

A guy from my past, e, who I still have feelings for, came to me a little over a year ago and said he was sorry he hadn't treated me better, that he had grown up a lot, missed me and wanted to meet up. I said "it's ok" and "sure, sounds good". He and I became online friends and his songs were all like "dont be shy, share your feelings..." and "i've been waiting for this moment but need to know how you feel..." etc... but I didn't know if they were just songs or meant for me so I didn't respond... his relationship status also said "single". A couple months later, I hadn't heard more from him again so I figured I shouldn't put my life on hold and started to date j. I eventually posted a pics of J and I together online and e deleted me from the site. E later added me to a different professional-based site... hmm.

A little over a year later, I am in a comfortable situation with j and he treats me well but I still think about e. J wants to get married and can sense I am dragging my heels because I am not 100% convinced there is no one else out there. I think a break might not be the worst idea and the most fair thing since I do think about e so much.

I contacted e about a week ago apologizing for my role in our previous relationship and said I had things I had wanted to say to him for a long time. He promptly called me, 3x, and we naturally discussed the past but chalked it up to timing and where we were in our lives. He said he is dating someone for two years (so he would have been dating her when he said he missed me, etc) and I told him about j and said that maybe I had contacted him, e, because I needed closure so I could move forward with J. E said "who knows what the future holds" and that he has learned to lower his expectations of what a partner needs to be to him and to get more fulfillment within himself. I kind of wondered if E was having doubts about his relationship also.

I told a friend about this and she told me I still needed to tell E how I felt about him and told me I should propose meeting up. I emailed e saying I had not said everything I wanted to on the phone and that we should meet. I felt a bit bold in saying we needed to meet up though. E called me 2x around 7:30 the next morning. I called him back and told him that maybe it would be awkward to meet up since we were both dating people. E agreed and said that out of respect for his girlfriend he felt it was best not to meet up. I did still tell e that I still think about him a lot and wondered, if somehow significant others were not involved, and if we had the opportunity to try again, if he would want to. He said he is committed to his girlfriend and not to take it personally, but still doesn't think we should meet. I told him that although my boyfriend and I have something really healthy and he wants to marry me, that I don't feel the same excitement level with j I felt with E. E again mentioned how he had lowered his expectations of what he needs from someone and that maybe I should try working on myself so I don't expect so much from J.

So, in a way, I feel like I should take what E said at face value and just move on. At the same time, a couple friends said that since he called me so promptly that maybe he would have wanted to meet up if I had not retracted my offer. What do you think I should do? Should I say I had rethought meeting up and that it would not be such a bad idea after all if we keep it casual (but that if he maintains his position of course I respect that) ? Or should I let it go? He may feel that even if he wanted to try again that I am in something serious and that could hold him back from contacting me about meeting or sharing his feelings (if he has any for me)

I have no intentions of cheating on J. I felt like if e and I met up and both still felt the chemistry, that maybe I would consider going on that break from J. Any thoughts? Thanks for reading :)

So to sum up,your keeping one guy on the side just in case you get lonely and hoping for a guy that has told you he is sticking with girlfriend.

You not ready for a committed relationship,certainly not for marriage.

My advice,let the poor guy go who your with and let him find someone that really cares about him and wants the same things he does.

Leave the other guy alone,he is in a relationship,he's off limits and has told you he is staying with his girlfriend.

Move on,give yourself some time to mature,work on yourself and just date when your ready.

You are already cheating on J, by going behind his back, and seeing if there is a chance with E.

The proper way to go would be to leave J alone, since you admit the thrill is gone for you, and just be single. By the way E is cheating too, though he claims respect for his girl friend, yeah right, he still has crossed a line of good behavior by talking to you in such a way, so both of you are tipping behind your present partners back. How about that!

You would make excellent rebound partners, and probably would cheat on each other, or have that nagging ghost of mistrust whenever things got slow with each other. But at least do this the proper way, if you want to take a risk with someone else.

*** don't cheat, u will get karma!

You are already cheating on J by being deceptive. If you aren't sure about J, why not just break it off?

If you don't feel a level of excitement with J now, what do you think you'd be feeling in 5 to 10 years? Probably nothing at all.

You also need to leave E totally alone. He's told you that he doesn't want to meet up, so leave it alone.

I think your friend gave a really weird advice. First off, meeting your ex when you both are dating others, is just wrong - unless you can meet like old buddies, which is obviously not the case. Your ex made it clear he doesn't want to meet, and why would you pressure him.

Sort your primary relationship out and see if you really want to stay with your current boyfriend. Obviously you're not ready to commit to him, then leading him on is simply unfair.

Good luck.

Honestly, it sounds like E is seriously trying to do good by you, but is graciously (albeit, not boldly) tell you that he is happy with his girlfriend. He's right, you shouldn't meet up. At least he has the decency to think of respecting his girlfriend, you are continuing to pursue a committed man while you are in a relationship.

The root of this problem seems to be that you aren't happy in your relationship. That needs to be dealt with without considering if there are other options. E is not an option. Yes, he could have said it better, more forcefully, but he is obviously not an option. This is good. You need to deal with your problems with J, not involve E because you're missing the "spark."

Talk to J. Tell him what you've been doing. Ask for a break to get to know what you are wanting in life. Be bold. Be determined to find the best and be the best.

In short: E isn't the problem. It sounds like You and J are the problem. Deal with that. Don't involve E. Best of luck.

What are you looking for in a relationship? Let J go and answer that question for yourself because it is obvious that J isn't the answer. E isn't either. He is an ex for a reason. Keep him that way. Stop making him a fantasy while over-looking reality.

Your friend's advice was poorly thought out and only adds to the confusion you are feeling. It is emotionally cheating on your current boyfriend to have and express feelings for someone else.

You need to take responsibility for drifting into and along with the current relationship. From what you have written it should have stopped at a few dates instead of getting to the point of a marriage proposal. You have said you apologized to E for your part in that relationship break up. Please don't give yourself more to apologize for in this one than there already is.

Thanks guys- this is good and consistent advice. I think part of me felt that, as we get older, maybe we just need to accept the fact that we don't feel a "spark" necessarily in a healthy relationship. But in recently talking to people who are in healthy relationships, it seems that sometimes people still "just know" (e.g. my mom said she would have moved to China for my dad if necessary and my good friend gave up her family ties ((they disowned her since her husband is a different religion) for her guy). So it sounds like the answer is neither J nor E and it is time to move on and find someone who can give me some of the spark I had with E and the consistency I have with J.

By the way, the reasons I apologized to E are because I feel I was alternately clingy and aloof with him because I was afraid of getting hurt (I was 100% into him and other guys never even crossed my mind) and that I was not aware of my thoughts/emotions and did not communicate them well. E was a bit of a flake at the time (super interested, then kind of aloof), and I remember expressing all of my frustration in one long voicemail and accusing him of being shady/a player (which may not have been the case at all). But I am seeing a pattern here in my behavior, as until now, I have not been open with J about my doubt/feelings either.

"But I am seeing a pattern here in my behavior, as until now, I have not been open with J about my doubt/feelings either."

Stop those negative patterns & understand the reasons behind them.

You got to be together first before you bring someone else in.

I feel sorry for J.

Be honest with yourself & you can't go wrong.

Sounds like you aren't really ready for a healthy relationship.


If I was J & knew all of this,

I would kick you to the curb.

It's just... how do you tell someone you are having doubts about the relationship without it ending right then and there? I have expressed to J the things I appreciate about him (all the time), and I recently expressed more feelings about things that concern me(e.g. from about three months in there has been pressure to make the relationship more serious, more toward marriage/cohabitating... and how he was married in the past and can't site one way in which he could have contributed to the dissolution of the marriage). We have recently discussed how I have been dragging my heels and what our options are for moving forward.

We have recently discussed how I have been dragging my heels and what our options are for moving forward.

This is a good place to start a discussion about your concerns. Be honest with yourself and him about the relationship. I would tell you to listen to what he has to say, but I think you have been and not to what your own feelings are. So, don't allow his thoughts and desires to overwhelm your own. IF things can be worked out, find the compromises. IF the feelings aren't there or he is focused only on marriage, decide if walking away is better for you. As you can't make someone feel the way you want them to, you shouldn't allow him to convince you that you feel a certain way if you don't.

If you need to write down what you want to say to him. It can help get your thoughts in order and choose wording which will more accurately describe your concerns and feelings.

Good luck getting things straightened out.

it's just... how do you tell someone you are having doubts about the relationship without it ending right then and there?
That is the essence of good honest communications. Being able to express fears and concerns as well as anger and confusion the same way you express the good things you feel, about life and love. It's a two way street. If you are afraid that communicating in such an honest way will end things so you say nothing, that is a issue YOU have to deal with, and overcome. Fear bites you in the butt, when you don't face it with courage.

I have expressed to J the things I appreciate about him (all the time), and I recently expressed more feelings about things that concern me(e.g. from about three months in there has been pressure to make the relationship more serious, more toward marriage/cohabitating...
He wants what he wants, whether its right for you or not! Wonder why he wants that so much?

and how he was married in the past and cant site one way in which he could have contributed to the dissolution of the marriage). We have recently discussed how I have been dragging my heels and what our options are for moving forward.
You are dragging your heels because you have not gotten the things you want from him to be reassured, and convinced that it would be a good decision to give into him totally.

What's a great idea for him, may NOT be so great to you so of course you resist. That's a part of protecting yourself from maybe making a bad decision. You have every right to want to know more from him, and how his mind and heart works before you can be sure of moving to the next level.

Maybe his communication skills are not honest enough for you, or your doubts are based in something he has told you, that doesn't allay your fears, for example, he takes no blame for a failed marriage. That may be a red flag that needs to be explored.

I can understand that you want options that work for you, but being distracted by another love is not the option you really want, nor need. As said before, deal with what you have now, not what you might want later. I can also tell you that being honest with yourself, and the people you have to deal with, stops a lot of confusion, drama, and FEAR!

Not only will it end confusion in your mind, and emotions, you will have a clearer vision to see how to deal with the red flags you have to deal with to protect yourself better. Get with the honest part of you, for YOU!

Im not sure if this was a rebound or the current details of your relationship.

For all I know your boyfriend may be great & happy, does everything right and may be oblivious to your concerns.

If there are things that aren't right or you feel that you shouldn't be in a relationship, then you need to be honest & communicate those things.

You may be worried about hurting his feelings, but holding things in & brushing stuff under the carpet only leads to disaster. Sometimes can become too late to repair.

You really need to decide what it is you want & hopefully that doesn't involve trying to get your ex back. That's never a good plan. Especially when they are happily w/someone.

That can only cause trouble for 2 relationships.

Healthy couples need to check in w/each other. Talk and listen calmly & respectfully and work together to grow.

If not, then they may decide to grow w/o each other.

The more you hide from things, the more damage you will potentially create. More so to yourself.

Honesty with yourself first. Then all others in your life.
Everyone makes mistakes. Right or wrong, but someone that's honest is better than being a liar or a BS-er.

Once you are clear on what it is you want to happen, get your thoughts in order and talk.

At some point you need to take responsibility for your actions. Past & present.

Your OP title asks: "Getting ex back if we are dating other people"

Hope you got that one answered already.

On to the next question...