I'm an Iraq war veteran who served a tour of duty in 2004. I was a member of the Navy Seabees and saw combat during Operation Vigilant Resolve, the main offensive in Fallujah in April - July 2004 and Operation Oasis in Baghdad - Al Rashid. During that time I was in several firefights, including one during which I was wounded in the shoulder from small arms fire. This injury ultimately lead to my inactive reserve status and honorable decommision in 2006. It has been 6 years, but I have finally begun treatment for PTSD issues, including anger/outbursts, depression and insecurity/trust, and hyper-vigillance. I also have confirmed combat kills and that haunted me for a long time; I had thought that family, friends, and colleagues in civilian life viewed me as a 'monster' or 'murderer'. I felt like I didn't 'fit-in'. I never had a significant relationship since coming back from Iraq and it has been very difficult to make new friends in my new city. I am a mechanical engineer and have held my job for 5 years and have flurished at my profession. I am a loyal church goer and I think sometimes my faith in Christ is the only thing that has kept me going.

I came to the conclusion I needed to get help for these issues after I had met and was dating a wonderful young woman. During our relationship, our rocky points were when I had outbursts and 'over-reacted' (to use her description). I would have anxiety and anger issues when meeting her friends and family. I would have anger outbursts towards her because I felt like I didn't 'fit-in' - that everyone I was meeting could see the 'monster' inside me. I knew I had that issue, but never fully admitted to myself the cause of those actions - my service history. I had never been like that in my life until after my deployment in 2004.

Things between her and I became serious and more and more the subject of marriage came up. I knew/know that I want to marry her and she is wonderful for me and I for her. We share a common faith in Christ, we have the same values, we both come from great and loving families, and we were close from the very beginning of our relationship spiritually and emotionally. I fell for her and love her.

But I also knew I had the anger issue, so I began seeking help for it. Not so much for the relationship to work, but that I knew I had to do it for my own self-improvement. I went to church Clergy who then directed me to a therapy center which specializes in PTSD conditions in combat veterans. I was diagnosed with combat PTSD and began treatment, including EDMR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). Unfortunately, shortly thereafter I had another outburst of anger where I didn't trust her. She had moved back home (30 minutes away) and I began to unrightly feel she was rejecting me and finally seeing me as this "monster". We broke up and only then, after very much forcing the issue to contact her, was I able to explain to her what was going on with the PTSD, the anger outburts, the anxiety, and the depression issue where I felt like a 'monster'. She told me that I'm not a monster and that she loves me, but she couldn't deal with the anger and outburst issues... not in a relationship and not for a lifetime (marriage). Since then we have not had contact. A few short emails and notes were sent back and forth while returning personal items.

This was roughly 2 months ago. I have continued PTSD EDMR treatment and the images and anxiety and anger from my combat experience no longer are bothering me. I am seeing myself as the wonderful, loyal, and honorable man I am and not the silly version of myself that I had seen for the past 6 years - that silly 'monster'. I am dependable, supportive, and generous. I am believing these things about me and see my wonderful self-worth. I know that I am on a long-term path to loving myself and who I am. I have already heard from several family and friends that I am back to myself. My mother told me that she thougth what I am doing now is more heroic than my combat service and that she is so proud of the man I am becoming. Everything is going incredibly well and I feel like my long journey home from war is almost over.

What is bothering me is how/when to re-open contact with my ex-girlfriend, who is the love of my life. I know that things with her might never work out - that I hurt her deeply and she might think I will always be this way and have the outburts. She might be feerful of that. But I know that I am getting to a point where I will no-longer have the anger outburts or will be able to deal with them without issue. This was the root-cause of our breakup. I would like a second chance with her, but don't know how to proceed. I know it will be hard.

Any help or insight as to how to proceed with pursuing her and re-kindling things would be appreciated. Also any tips or stories about PTSD and treatment would help. (I don't plan on acting on anything until I have been cleared by my therapist... this might be a several few months)

I think it is wonderful that you are in therapy, and having such success with it. Getting your life back and thriving again- awesome to hear that.

While I can appreciate the symptoms of PTSD, this is not my area of expertise, so I won't address that, except only to encourage you to continue.

What concerns me about your post is that your girlfriend left because she said she could no longer live with your angry outbursts. Fair enough. What I am curious about is, was she aware that after you told her you had symptoms of PTSD, that you were heading into treatment?

If she knew that, and left anyway, I have to wonder why. Why, if she loved you as much as she said she did, did she not see you through this difficult time in your life.

Would she have stuck around if you had lost an eye, or a leg, or needed heart surgery, or you had been diagnosed with any other illness? Had she turned into a person who saw you as a monster, as you thought others had as well?

Not all people suffer PTSD to the extent that you have, obviously, but most of our significant others should be expected to be supportive, and I presume if she didn't know the extent of the PTSD while with you, would she have known in the months after she left, that you were going through therapy.

I don't know why she wasn't there for you, if she loved you as much as she said. I think it would be safe to say that you would have been there for her, had the situation been reversed.

When it comes time for you to speak with her again, I hope that for your sake, you will do as much re-evaluation of her, as she will no doubt do of you.

Take things very slowly, and without guilt, and without taking 100% of the demise of the relationship as entirely your fault. You have always been the same person, except for a period in your life you have suffered with PTSD. You have nothing to apologize for.

And, thank you for your service.

First blush.I would say try dating others first.

Not to get married,not to play the field,but to see if you are truly past the outbursts.

If you don't get emotionally involved with anyone,how can you re approach the one who left you and expect anything to be different?

You may or may not have changed, the you from then is still a part of you, incidents(namely emotionally charged ones) may set you off.

This isn't outside the realm of possibilities for people who are recovering from PTSD.

I can only say that from the limited exposure to those who have suffered this in my presence(A neighbor as I grew up was very ill from this, and he NEVER saw combat)

Maybe this is something to suggest to your therapist?

I hope you can see your way to returning to the person you remember you were before all that happened.

Thank you for serving our country.

Jake808, thanks for your response. I see your point as to why she wasn't there. It was only after we had already broken up (2 weeks after) when I explained to her that I had been getting therapy for the PTSD. She was supportive and was happy for me that I was getting treatment, but she did not want to get back together and we stopped contact.