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I've been on 3 dates with this guy, and things seem to be getting pretty serious (strong connection, talk about the future,etc... ). I left on a trip to Europe for three weeks and now I'm back and he wants to take me out to Brunch, or lunch depending on what time we decide on, so we can catch up on everything.
He has paid for everything all three dates, and I don't want him to burn a hole in his wallet! Although he makes a good amount of money, and that is unlikely, I at least feel the need to offer to pay. He's 29, if that helps for anything. (I'm 21).

Some people say whoever wants to go on the date should be paying. I sort of agree with that. I mean it makes more sense. But I don't want him to feel that I'm taking advantage of him, but letting him pay every time without at least offering.
But then, people claim that it offends some men when women offer to pay.
?

Also, his birthday happened when I was on my trip so I told him I'd have to take him out on a Birthday dinner. So basically, I'm paying for our next date and I'm sure he knows that. So maybe it's not so bad if he pays for one more?

I don't know. What do you guys think? Should I at least offer to pay?
Thanks!

How about saying instead of brunch lets go somewhere really nice for dinner,my treat.

Move shiftly on to other news topics,keep the conversation nice easy and relaxed.

Or ask if he would in be interested in seeing a live band,if so,say you'll get the tickets.

Or suggest the cinema,you get the tickets he gets the treats.

Keep things light. 3 dates is not a lot to get too serious.

Sometimes just the offer is appreciated, but I have always been appreciative, and grateful when a female treats me out of the goodness of her heart, to a meal, a show, or a concert. Just being willing to pay shows a guy a lot.

Just don't be overly insistent to pay for a date, that too sends a message, but sometimes, is refreshing, and welcome.

I am old school (very old school) and the asker pays, or expects to, But a female that is willing to pay, and does when SHE asks me out is refreshing, and welcome.

Thanks for the responses!
My thoughts are that since he did invite me to lunch, he should be paying.
Our next date will be his birthday date, which I will invite him to. And next time we have a dinner/movie night I will make sure to pay for at least the movie tickets.
Otherwise, I have date ideas I'd like for us to take part in, so I'll voice that out and pay of course.
Sound reasonable?

Sounds reasonable

If he doesn't want to go, I will! My wife said it was okay if you promise to keep your hands to yourself!:D

That sounds very reasonable.

I think you are definitely on the right track and he will appreciate it. Guys are like girls in that they appreciate attention and being shown interest.

When I was 21 and in school, not making much money, I used to cook dinner every few dates. If I was dating another student, I'd split the bill or suggest things that didn't cost money (like hikes or sports of some type). I think you will impress him with your thoughtfulness.

Yes, or say you would like to take him out for his birthday dinner or lunch or so on.

And agreed, you don't want to start thinking serious on 3 dates, maybe 3 months of dates

So!
For those of you who have been following, I've been dating a guy and so far have been on 5 dates with him. (Including his birthday date which went well, yay!)
Every single date has been absolutely amazing and fun, and we have this insane connection, it's all very exciting.
On our last date, we bumped into a friend of his and he introduced me to her as his girlfriend. He said "This is my girlfriend, Hilary"

As clear as it seems, we haven't discussed the status of our relationship so it confuses me. Maybe it shouldn't? I mean if he said "this is my girlfriend" then that means he sees me as his girlfriend right? Should I just leave it at that or should we be having a talk about it.

We've definitely made it clear that we want to be seeing each other for a while.
Also, he told me that as I was gone on a 3 week trip to Europe, he slept with someone and the condom broke. He said he felt like it was a mistake to be with her, and also that he didn't want us to go any further sexually until he goes to the doctors and gets the results in order to make sure he doesn't pass anything on to me that the girl may have had. Although the girl said she didn't have anything, he wants to be sure of it.

Anyway, I thought that was all incredibly mature of him especially to tell me about it. He was very nervous to tell me, but I didn't have a problem with it because we had never established the relationship. We had just started dating (we had gone on 3 dates) so he was allowed to do anything he wanted.

Basically, I feel that this conversation may have been the establishment of our relationship and helped in making it exclusive. He said he was afraid he may have ruined something special between us but at the same time wasn't sure what would happen when I got back, if we'd get back together etc,. So by saying something like that it sounds like now that I'm back he wants to be exclusive. But we haven't really talked about it.

Ah! I always manage to make these uber long. Sorry. Anyway to sum up:

Is calling me his girlfriend enough or should we be having a talk?
I feel we need to talk about it. But I don't want to freak him out about it by making it sound like a big deal. Also, we've only been on 5 dates, shouldn't this talk come up at least like 2 months of dating or something? (By the way he's 29, if that counts for anything. I'm 21)

Thoughts?

You need to ask him what he meant by that. Do you want to be his girl friend or is this too soon, do you want things to be exclusive?
Since he introduced you that way he has opened the door for a discussion.
We would not know what he means and you don't want to assume anything, so ask him.

Is calling me his girlfriend enough or should we be having a talk?
Definitely have a talk. If you want to be exclusive, tell him.

He could've introduced you as a girlfriend for a number of reasons, but usual one, in that scenario, is pressure. Introductions is something guys often think about when they just started seeing a girl.

All right guys, I have another one for you. This has been keeping me a bit flustered for some reason. Any help would be appreciated.

Before yesterday, the guy called and left a voicemail asking me how a meeting with a guidance counselor went. He left the most adorable message, it was very cute and nice, and I was so excited to call him back. So I did about 30 minutes later when I got out of a meeting. He didn't answer so I left a pretty embarrassing message. I was distracted as I was driving so I left some pauses in there, I told him the meeting went fine and to call me back so we can talk. I initially didn't want to leave a voicemail cause all I was doing was calling him back so he would have seen my missed call and called back, but I was so caught up in the moment of being lost that I decided to leave a nice and longg voicemail about my being lost, leaving pauses, telling him briefly about the meeting, and telling him to call back so we 'can talk'. Don't know why I said it like that.

Anyway, he texted me about seven hours later telling me he didn't understand the voicemail (bad reception). So I called him, as I was driving and didn't want to text. But he didn't respond.
So I sent him a text once I arrived home, saying sorry and that I realized he might be at work. And explained that I just called to let him know that I got the voicemail and to call me back once he got the chance, and I told him he left such an adorable message, and that I may stop answering on purpose from now on...
(he had said he thought my greeting message on my voicemail was cute as he left a message, so thought I compliment him on his cute message).

Anyway, he texted back saying that he took the night off, and was exhausted from his day, and asked me how my day went. So we started talking. But we never mentioned my counseling, cause I figured he'd call me for it. But he never did. And he never said "all call you tomorrow" or anything. Also, he mentioned he was at home. So I'm confused as to why he didn't answer my call, or call me once I texted him, and basically told him to call me back (by explaining the voicemail).

Anyway, we talked for a bit via text, and then I told him to tell me how the doctor's goes tomorrow, cause he was getting test results back. He said he would. And so he did later on that day, via text!

Have I scared him off by my lack of voicemail leaving skills? Was it cause I said "so we can talk"? Or am I being completely and utterly over analytical and it's probably not even a big deal?

I don't think it was a big deal. You are reading too much into everything he says or doesn't say.
Have you had the conversation about what your status is?

in my limited experience of the male mind,they don't normally over Analyis,phone messages, or random words used (girlfriend).

if he called you his girlfriend,that's what he thinks you are,he did not say it for a laugh or to confuse you.

as for the phone call/voice mails.let it go.

he was at home,chilling out,its not a big deal.

enjoy this time,enjoy the dating and spending time together,take a more relaxed attitude to the whole thing.

your not even dating 2 months and already your head is muddled trying to figure it out.

he was straight up about the sex and condom breaking,sounds like the type of guy who will be straight up about other things too.

I doubt he will be scared off by a voice mail,however,pull in the needy-ness a little that's what might scare him off.

That someone introduces you as a girlfriend can only be taken at face value, as many people do this and sometimes to only impress someone. A reason to be cautious and not carried away. I know your really thrilled and taken by this guy but keep it real, as its only been a few dates, and you better pay attention to him and not your own butterflies in your stomach.

Not trying to throw water on your parade but a few weeks of dating is hardly getting beyond the stranger stage and you have a lot more to learn before getting more attached by having sex with him, whether he is clean or not.

While you should be having fun getting to know each other better, don't just get blind with feelings and rush through the dating process because it feels good.

Too much, Too fast, Crash and Burn. It happens all the time when we get carried away, and that's my caution. Yes do talk, and be straight why he introduced you as his girlfriend, because you should know what he was thinking, as that is presumptuous without discussing it, and I don't know why he didn't explain it at the time, or why you didn't ask at the time. That may be because you both are smitten, and careless and insecure. And maybe carried away at this point. I understand that believe me, its hard to control intense feelings that make you feel good.

Talaniman Rules-Never assume that your feelings are shared by any one else.

Talaniman Rule- never be in a hurry to give your heart to a stranger. Wait until they have proven they deserve it, and know what to do with it.

Talaniman Rule- Doesn't matter how intense the feelings, or how much fun you have, never give your heart to someone you don't know well, and that’s only after the lust has worn off for you both.

Talaniman Rule- Don't play games with your heart, and don't let somebody else play games with it either.

Talaniman Rule- Never get so carried away by feelings that you can't see the facts.

Talaniman Rule- Give yourself 6 months of dating and getting to know someone, before you decide together to be DATING EXCLUSIVELY, and having fun getting to know each other.

You may as well just slow down, take your time, and enjoy the process, and let things develop naturally with out pushing. And sex makes the brain go mushy, so don't go there so soon, and don't be rushed into impulsive situations that you can't control, just because "it feels so right" Sex most always feels right, RIGHT??

Any relationship, or dating situation is a risk, but you don't have to be reckless about it. Take care, and develop good honest communications, and make sure his words match his actions, and so do yours, and see how well you work together without the physical distraction of sex(LUST).

This is the honeymoon period where its all good, but unfortunately, doesn't last. That's why you be careful, pay attention, and stay in control of your feelings, while your having fun.

Thank you all so very much for your responses. Sadly, it all came down to nothing.
I'm pretty heartbroken right now. The reason why he hadn't called me back was because he was thinking about us. He called me yesterday and he explained that he feels that we're both in completely different places in our lives and as much as he wanted it to, he doesn't feel it would have worked out. He wanted to catch it before we went any further and before he would have had to hurt me even more. He felt that we have completely different schedules, I go to college, and he's a bartender, and we wouldn't get to see each other very much, and I still live with my mom, etc,.

Certain things that made him uncomfortable were that I had to call my mom and lie by saying I was sleeping at a friend's house when really I was sleeping at his house. (We never had sex, just so you know)
Whenever we would talk about shows or music, we often times didn't know who or what the other was talking about being that I'm 21 and he's 29 so obviously we've experienced different fades.
Also, he stays up late and wakes up late, specifically because of his bartending (which is only 3 days a week, so we could have found time to see each other) whereas I wake up early, and sleep earlier. But that's something we could have worked on.

My points to him were that:
I believe that the problems we had are present in many relationships: Different schedules, different sleep cycles,. But relationships are about compromising for each other and people work on it.
Second, many adults in their 30s, 40s go to school, and many people in their 20s even late 20s still live with their parents. I specifically live with my mom so that I can help her out financially and help her raise her 7 year old son. But I am completely financially stable enough to live on my own. And he knew that.
So, I basically told him that these are issues we could have worked on, and people do it all the time.
At the same time, if he knows that he won't be able to give 110% of his commitment then, obviously I have no interest of being with someone like that. Especially, if in the course of our relationship he would continuously point out the reasons we aren't compatible.
I thank him for letting me know this soon, and for being honest and I told him that. But it still doesn't ease the pain.
I felt that we were so compatible, our chemistry and connection was so intense, and I know that he felt that. Which he noted, and said that maybe we would cross paths in the future again. I said that thinking that way is unrealistic, considering that I or he will have or may found someone by that time, at which point we will have never known what we could have become. That reality scares me. I felt already like he was a close friend, which I think is so important in a relationship, plus our romantic connection was electrifying, and we constantly laughed when we were together. He would say things like "I feel like we could just order take out and stay in bed and talk all day and I would have a great time".

So why would he not want to take a chance with us? His longest relationship has been a year and a half (mine was 4 years) and he's 29. So I'm wondering if he maybe has commitment issues? I mean some of the things he was pointing out, like the TV show thing or the sleeping cycle thing didn't make sense to me. It seemed like he found every little thing that would explain why it wouldn't work out when to me, they seemed like minor issues we could easily deal with.

And about the crossing paths thing. I explained that in 2 years, I will be done with school and will have probably moved out by then. But that will be the difference: I won't be taking classes anymore, and I'll be out of my house. But I will be basically the same person, and will forever be 8 years younger than he is. He noted that it didn't matter. I will be at a different point in my life, and that I'm in a growing period right now where I'm discovering who I am, and I need to be taking advantage of that. Once I go through that phase, I will be at a similar point he finds himself in, and the age difference won't matter.

He expresses valid points, of course, I agree. I most definitely am not going to count on the fairy tale "crossing paths" enchilada he so very well dreamed out. But I would like to stay in touch with him, at least to have a great friend. Cause I know that we would make great friends... eventually. He wants to stay friends, and I know he's sincere when he says that. We stayed on the phone for about an hour of talking and long silences. He said he felt like this was a break up even though we hadn't started a relationship, and he had never experienced anything like it. He also didn't want to end the conversation cause he didn't want it to be our last one. He very much wants to stay friends, although I think we both agreed that that will take time. I, for one, know that if I were to be friends with him anytime soon all that would be in my mind would be figuring out ways that I can land him again, and that wouldn't be healthy for either of us.

I can't help but think, well what if I didn't say to him that "I probably won't have a social life this semester" because of my busy schedule (stupid right? ) or what if I didn't make it so obvious that I was calling my mom to tell her I was sleeping over at a friends house, when in reality he wouldn't have understood anything in the first place cause I speak in french with my mom! Or what if I expressed my feelings for him earlier, because I move at a slower pace than he does, maybe then he would have fallen for me had he understood I felt the connection as strongly as he did...
I know this is all very unhealthy to me, and I understand that had I hidden all of those parts in my life I would have led a very restricted relationship in a way that he wouldn't know me as well as he should and it may have prolonged the dating and would have only hurt me more once he realized who I really was.

God, this really sucks. So So much. So far, I've liked a guy who had a girlfriend, then a guy who may possibly have been gay (the actor, remember him? Yeah very possibly gay) and now a 29 year old who's in a different point in his life than me.
My question for you guys is: Will I ever at any point in my life find a guy who is 100% AVAILABLE for me to be with??
Will I ever find a guy as amazing as the 29 year old? He was just so mature, and so loving, and so honest, and so fun. Where do you find these people? In Philadelphia maybe? That's where he came from..

I know I will get over it, but it's hard. Part of me wants to try and win him over again. He works at a bar, I go to often, I could stride over there in my best outfit and seduce him with my refined use of vocabulary, and a NY times in my hand. Would that even work?
I know that it was difficult for him to do, so I feel like maybe he could change his mind. But, of course that isn't the healthy thing to hope for. He's right, I will be changing a lot now till when I turn 29. I also have all the time in the world, and have the luxury to make mistakes and try things out and see if they work, whereas he's kind of on a time line. I get that.
IT JUST SUCKS.

I'm sorry I've been ranting for so long. I just want to express how I'm feeling, and exactly what happened. And confirmation that we're doing the right thing by moving on would be great. Any advice, or anything would be great. I just need words of wisdom at this point. I know what's best, I know I probably know what I should do, but it's hard to think so objectively about the situation when I'm in it. And I need words from wise people like you guys to tie me back to earth and move on!

I'm thinking: Take time to get over him (weeks or perhaps months) And then reconnect as friends. We'll make good friends, and staying connected means that maybe something will happen in the future if neither of us has found anyone.
What are your guys' thoughts on this?

Any words by anyone is greatly appreciated.
Thank you so much.

He just was not feeling you and he was honest enough to tell you. 21 and 29 you two are in two different places and you are just not the one for him.

Your initial thoughts of trying to win him over shows the difference in your ages. This man was honest enough to tell you he does not want to have a relationship with you. You may have felt great with him, but he was not feeling that way. You cannot make someone feel for you if they don't. Your showing up at his bar would do nothing but irritate him and make him glad he cut you lose.
You will get over this in time. Time to pick yourself up and move forward.

For me,your post says he just was not that into you.

He gave lame excuses and some valid ones,example,lying about your whereabouts to your mother.

You will move on and you will get over this,let it be a lesson not to get attached so quickly.

Don't think relationship,think dating,letting things unfold at a natural pace.

There are thousands of single available nice guys in the world,who do want the same things you want.

Your only 21,you have lots of time to grow and learn and have lots of dating experince,and as you get older what you in want in a guy changes,the basics remain the same though.

Take a step back,and try and look at this experience from a different angle,what did you learn? What will you do differantly next time?

What qualities in this guy did you like and add them to the list of qualities for the next guy you like.

He has set a bar,now reach beyond it,aim higher.

The next guy is always better then the last guy if you learn from the experience.

You tried, and it was fun for a while but didn't work. No ones fault really. You just keep moving forward is all, and there is no hurry, and don't be discouraged as it gets better.

Of course, I agree. It's time to move on. And now, two days later I am seeing more and more how it probably wouldn't have worked out: I'm a 21 year old college student, growing and developing who I will be, and he's already basically become the person he will continue to be for the rest of his life, not to mention he's thinking marriage and kids at some point soon.

I guess now, I do have that understanding. But I wish I had asked him when he started thinking about it so seriously. Some of you claim he just wasn't that interested, but I'm having a hard time believing that. I mean, when I left for a 3 week trip to Europe he requested that we stay in touch through e-mail, which we did. He would even send me e-mails saying he was thinking about me. He immediately messaged me when I got back and scheduled a day to see me. Then he immediately scheduled another. On our last date, he asked that I sleepover and the next morning he couldn't let me go. At one point he was on the computer, as I was changing and gathering my stuff and he walked over to me and kissed me, and held me. Then he said he felt we should go to the beach next time. Not to mention that the night before we were supposed to go on a double date with a good friend of his and his friends girlfriend, but his friend had to postpone so he was seeing him the next day, which he also invited me to. So he would have introduced me to a close friend of his. Aren't all these signs of interest?

I feel like it may have been in big part his friends' influences. That morning I was at his place, he was getting ready to go running with a friend. So I feel like he probably told his friend about the 21 girl he's dating sleeping over, and his friend didn't understand what he was doing. The next day he had to help another friend move out, and that friend probably said the same. And he had told me that he talked about it with many of his friends, and thought about it for a while, and felt like it just wouldn't work out, as much as he enjoyed our time together.

I'm sorry I keep bringing this up. I'm on my way to recovery, and I feel that this probably is the best situation for the both of us. I guess I just have some unanswered questions, but I don't want to bring it up with him again. Does what I'm thinking make sense? And should I stay in touch with him? I feel like we laughed so much and had such a great time together, it would be sad to not keep him at least as a friend. Which is what he wants, is to remain at least friends when we're both ready. We talked on the phone for about an hour, and he kept saying "I've never experienced anything like this before, we never really established anything but I feel like this is a break up" and then he'd say that he didn't want to hang up knowing that this would be our last conversation together.

Also, maybe he was right in the crossing paths. Maybe in the future I'll be in stage in my life closer to his, and we will be able to try this again. We honestly had such a great connection. At least, considering the short amount of time we had been together, I can definitely see it happening if I'm not with anyone at that time, and if he's not with anyone at that time either. If that did happen maybe we're meant to be together and this was just not the right time for us to happen. Of course, if we both find someone before that, then it obviously wasn't meant to be, and I'm okay with that too.

I guess I feel like he must be a great guy to be able to end something great, for the best of us. But then again, maybe as you guys said there was something more that he wasn't telling me. I just don't feel like that was the case, from the way he was around me. And he has a strong personality, and is a very ambitious guy, I feel like it would make sense for him to look at it in an objective point of view.

I guess what I'm getting at is: Does this make sense? I almost want to contact him to answer my questions just for closure. But if I feel like I already know what he may answer, I don't want to re-open the discussion for nothing. Also, could staying in touch be a good idea? Considering that we got along so incredibly well?

You need to let this go. Staying in touch will not allow you to heal.
He may have enjoyed being with you but he sees no future there wants no future there. You should respect that and leave him alone.

I know, he clearly didn't see this going anywhere.
But he did say that maybe it would work out if we crossed paths in the future. I told him that would be unrealistic to think that way, especially considering that I will forever be 8 years younger, but he kept insisting that I would be at a point closer to his and that it could work out at that point. And he was the one who wanted us to remain friends.

I just don't understand why he would be so hot and cold about it. It seemed like one minute he was completely into it, and then three days after thinking about it he just freaked out.
If we were to continue as friends, I would obviously wait till I'm ready whether it be a month or 2 months from now. Maybe that point would never come, and I'd never truly get over it, at which point I just wouldn't stay in touch with him..

How long was this actually going on?

2 or 3 years? Or 2 months?

You don't have a history with this guy,in fact,you barely know each other.

Your strung out of what if's and what could have been,you know the reality,you know the facts.

Does not matter a damn how nice or great he was,at the end of the day,he did not want to pursue a romantic relationship with you,and you know this too.

Your head knows it,tell your heart.

You became emotional attached very fast,that's a red flag to you on how to go about future dates... go slowly,don't just date one guy.

Your feelings are hurt now and you have all these questions,my advice is keep moving on,don't make any contact.

If you need closure after a few dates,again,a red flag to yourself,that's not good.

Put a note to self in your head... date slowly,don't get attached to quickly.

I still think you should leave it alone. His saying maybe some day down the road is a nice way of saying don't take it personal but it's not going to work.
If you don't keep in touch with him he probably would not contact you unless you happen to cross his mind.
You are thinking like a 21 year old female. He is thinking like a 30 year old man.
Leave it alone. You two are not on the same page. Maybe one day you will be but for now get on with your life.

I mean, when I left for a 3 week trip to Europe he requested that we stay in touch through e-mail, which we did. He would even send me e-mails saying he was thinking about me.

A dose of reality on his intentions while you were in Europe: He was thinking about you so much that he had sex with a another woman and the condom broke. He may not have gotten a disease, but did she get pregnant or have a 'scare'?

Let him and whatever his issues are go. Heal. Talk with your mother openly about having an active sex life so that you don't feel like you have to lie to her about where you are. Living at 'home' is one thing, lying to your mother about your whereabouts is another.

You guys are right.
Man, it's so hard to look at a situation objectively when you're in it. At least for me it is. And that probably shows that I am young and naïve and can only learn from these experiences. It will take time for me to look at situations in terms of what's best for me, like he did, rather than allowing my emotions to make my decisions for me. But someday I will!
I didn't even realize I was falling for him so quickly. I just have such a hard time being interested in someone (I've only kissed one guy before him, and that was my ex-boyfriend of 3 years), so I feel like the fact that I actually liked this guy got me so excited, and therefore made me grow attached to him a lot quicker.

Anyway, better luck next time! I'm moving on, and feel good about it.
Thanks so much for all of your advice, I really appreciate it!

Sometimes after a long term relationship ends we tend to get really involved when the next thing comes along and we throw caution to the wind, and just jump in to fast for our own good. I too have been through the same thing and then had to slap myself asking how could I have fallen so hard for this person.

I think its partly being so happy to have this new person, that we just forget to look before we leap, and we ignore all the stuff that should have made us stop, and think. Okay I admit, I stopped thinking and was just doing, going with the flow.

But I think after thinking on it and getting your sense back, you may actually see that its for the best that life did for you what you couldn't do for yourself, and that was change the path you were on.

Don't worry, its going to be okay.

You guys are right.
Man, it's so hard to look at a situation objectively when you're in it. At least for me it is. And that probably shows that I am young and naive and can only learn from these experiences.

I don't think you are young and naïve. Inexperienced, yes. However, you are also human. Objectivity is hard to keep sight of for most people no matter what their age or maturity level is. Read other people's threads and you will quickly understand that you aren't alone and that you have actually accepted reality faster than most.

I think once you are a bit more removed from the situation you will find you weren't as involved as you thought you were at the time.

The main lesson here is that you can have fun dating just don't get swept off your feet by someone who might be looking for a little more 'fun' and a lot less 'relationship'.

Speaking of reconnecting, he already did. He texted me today asking how my first week at school went, and if I got into all the classes I wanted.

To which I responded, that I got into all of the classes I wanted, thank goodness so I my first week went really well. Thanks for asking.

I don't understand why he would text me so soon? I definitely wasn't ready for it. It gave me a false hope I didn't need, and now I'm thinking about him again. I would have liked to ask him how he was doing and continue the talk but I can't say I'm ready for that. I did the right thing right? I would have also liked to ask him why he's texting me, he's the one who ended it! But that obviously would have been ridiculous. I wish he had at least waited a couple of weeks.

I'm sorry. I thought that last message was going to be my last post about this subject. Just keeping you guys updated...

I'm sorry. I thought that last message was going to be my last post about this subject.

I didn't think it would be. The break up is still very new to you. The concept of No Contact is even newer.

To keep your own confusion down, don't encourage communication by accepting or responding to any contact from him.

Block him. Delete. Ignore. De-friend. Whatever it takes to give you the space you need to heal. IF someday you want to be in contact with him, make it after you have gotten over the past and thrown out the baggage. You don't want to end up in a rebound relationship because the past was dealt with properly.

Keep coming back as long as you need to. Read other threads and see how other people have handled their break ups. Learn from the mistakes others have made. Maybe even help someone else.

All right, well I'm back again with an update! A month or so has passed, and I haven't forgotten about him of course, but I've definitely moved on. I'm at a point where I can think about him and smile at the good times we spent getting to know each other, and not feel regret or saddened by what happened. Plus, my schedule has gotten so hectic I honestly don't think I would have been able to juggle him along with everything going on in my life right now. So, I think it most definitely was for the best! The main reason I've come back to this post is that he messaged me today! Via Facebook message saying "How are ya darlin?". It's great to hear from him, and I'd like to remain friends. But I'm not going to lie, I am still attracted to him so I can't help but wonder why he insists on staying in contact? Is it possible for a guy to honestly seek just friendship by staying in contact with someone he dated in the past? I'm planning on answering when I get the chance, but I'm trying to figure out how to approach it. Just keep it short and sweet, right? I'd like for us to be able to grab some coffee every now and then to catch up, but I'm thinking it may be too early for that. Thoughts?

It sounds like you are doing well with NC. I wouldn't chance a set back by returning his contact, yet. I'd give it more time to be certain I wasn't going to be pulled back in emotionally.

There are many threads where people thought they were doing well and accepted contact or instigated it then discovered they weren't as far along as they thought they were.

As for staying friends, some people can. Some people think they can, but are wrong. Friendship gives them false hope and mixed signals. It adds confusion over the real status of the relationship. Please don't put yourself through that. Give the emotional dust a bit longer to settle before thinking about being friends.

Good luck.

But I'm not going to lie, I am still attracted to him so I can't help but wonder why he insists on staying in contact?As long as you wonder about the motives of an ex you are still attracted to, leave them alone, as your healing process is not completed. If a simple text can raise a bit of confusion, think about what seeing them over coffee would do.

Take more time for yourself. You may feel better now after a month or so, but 2 or 3 months is a better idea.

I agree with talaniman and Cat1864.
You still have some feelings, some questions, leave it alone.

Glad you're doing so well.

So you guys think I should just ignore his message? Won't that seem rude? I was thinking of at least responding, asking him how he's doing and that's it. No coffee included...
Another part of it is that lately I've been looking to move out, which has been the main event in my life this month which I would normallly mention in my answer but I don't want him thinking I'm telling him this so he can come back to me! (Since living with my mom was one of the deal breakers) So maybe I just shouldn't mention it... that is if I'm even answering?

I don't think you should respond. This about you not him. You are the one healing. It is just like NC. So no, you are not being rude, you are looking out for yourself.
He does not need to know anything about your life.

Rude?? Why is not appearing to be rude worth your own healing? You would jeopardize your well being to be polite?? Come on, you don't know his intentions, or motives, so why put yourself at risk by stoking old fires, and keeping old wounds from healing?

Talaniman Rule- Don't play games with your heart, and don't let somebody else play games with it either.

He may not intend to hurt you, but will if you let him. That's your responsibility to protect yourself, no matter what he intends. Reread your post again, and see what you have already gone through. He has distanced himself from a relationship with you, and is just checking his traps at this time to see what's up, and if the fun part can continue without commitments, or titles.

You better be rude in your own interests, until you gain an objective view of protecting yourself. What's your hurry to jumping back to a situation that hurt you before?? Go back to post# 17, since you seem to have forgotten what got you here.

Talaniman Rules- when you get dumped, don't go back to get dumped again

You got dumped after a few dates remember? Why go back to that confusion, and leave your heart open to more hurt? Don't let your curiosity keep the door open for more heartbreak. There will be many guys who you will be attracted to because they look good at first on paper, but he had a chance and blew it, you got hurt and dumped. Those are facts to face.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.

Rude is contacting you and expecting an answer as though he hadn't dumped you because it he thought it wouldn't work out.

Block his email. If you don't receive it, you can't contemplate responding to it.

Communication at this point is like picking flowers on the edge of a cliff. You reach out to pick that pretty flower, then you see the next one and reach for it. Soon, you are standing on rocks that are falling out from under your feet stretching out into thin air trying to reach the next flower. You know the ground is going to give way, but you just have to have to have that flower whatever the cost. False hope has a tendency to send you falling back into an emotional mess like the rocks falling out from under your feet. Stay safe-don't respond.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Cat1864 again.


Exactly!

Hey guys,

So... promise not to kill me okay? But I responded to his e-mail. This led to a back and forth of us catching up. I told him about my month, cause he asked, and he told me about his, and then said we should meet up for coffee. I was confused as to why he wanted us to meet up when we had completely caught up on both of our months, but I decided to go. I felt that maybe I wouldn't be so attracted to him and we could be friends since we get along so well. Anyway, I decided I'd evaluate what could be, after having coffee with him. He had picked out a little restaurant for lunch and we caught up on everything. I plan on moving out soon, which I had told him in the message, and I'm evaluating my college situation because I act and go on auditions that have been affecting my attendance so I decided I may have to just take online courses or not be a full time student, or postpone school, etc.. Anyway, he asked me about where I was in the moving process, and asked me very precise questions like "When exactly do you plan on moving, like 2 months? 3 months?" or "Where exactly do you plan on moving?" He was also targeting my busy schedule and was concerned about everything I was doing, claiming it was too much. (which it IS) Then he asked me about college and basically didn't understand why I was staying in college when my focus is on acting. Now, I know this seems strange he would endorse non-education, which he noted he felt strange about too, but he made good points in stating that I'm not looking to use my degree (in journalism) and I'm doing really well already in acting and filmmaking and he knows that I would do well. He is also an actor and explained how he got his degree in finance and never used it and is still paying for his college tuition. Anyway, we mostly talked about that, which was also a little strange. He said he wanted to see me work, book jobs, and succeed. Which was so nice of him to say, but I couldn't help but wonder why he was so incredibly concerned about this. It also seemed as if the questions he was asking were so that he could see if he would fit in my life now in any way. Anyway, during the lunch I could also feel sexual tension. And when we said our goodbyes, he hugged me tightly and gave me a semi-lingering kiss on the cheek. Then he said 'let's talk soon'.

So that was our lunch and the next morning I decided on how I felt about it, and it wasn't good. I decided that he was being very confusing with his actions: Does he want to be with me? Does he not? Is he keeping me close? Does he really just want to be friends or what? Whatever his reasons may be, it was too confusing of a situation for me to handle, especially at this transitional point in my life when I planning on moving out and completely shifting my student life (Which, before you guys freak out, I'm not dropping out of. But I am narrowing down my full time 15 units status to a part time 6-9 units status so that I can continue to also be a full time employee and pursue acting like I am now except minus the stress! ). Also, I do still have feelings for him and after breaking it down, the only honest reason I would be staying in touch with him would be to see if potentially something would happen between us, which isn't healthy. And if he does want to be with me, then he can be with me, it isn't fair for him to wait till my circumstances fit his life better so that we could be together. Anyway, that afternoon I gave him a call and told him everything. First, I updated him on my decision about college cause he asked me to update him on that. Then, I told him I enjoyed seeing him and catching up, but I felt this was too early for us to be building on our friendship. I'm going through a lot right now and I can't have him be a part of my life during this process. To which he said that he completely respected that. He then said that he just wanted me to know that he genuinely cares about me. He also said that he wishes me the absolute best. But I could tell he was having a hard time with it. After a couple of beats of silence at one point, he asked if I could send him messages or quick updates on Facebook or something so that he knows how I'm doing and to just update him on my life. (?? ) To which I responded that I could only evaluate that with time. I mean if I feel comfortable enough to do that at any point. Then he ended by saying "Then I guess I'll talk to you sometime in the future".

The end. It was hard to do, and the next morning I almost regretted it. Now I feel good about it. I don't regret having lunch with him, because now I know for sure. But I of course can't help but wonder what were his motives in contacting me. And why he wants me to update him about my life? Could he possibly be just an incredibly caring guy who genuinely wants to make sure I'm doing well? Or is he just trying to keep a tab on me, and trying to make sure I don't get over him? Just in case in the future... I don't know. Anyway, this has been quite a mental roller coaster ride, and I don't know if I can imagine not having him be a part of my life at least in a year from now or at some point, but maybe this NC business is the only way to go. What do you guys think? Is he possibly a genuinely nice guy I may want to have around me at some point? Or should I run from the hills and never look back? Either way, I know I wouldn't be contacting him until I knew I was 100% ready. Which may takes months, and if that 100% certainty never comes, then it won't happen...

Now I feel good about it. I don't regret having lunch with him, because now I know for sure.
You don't know anything for sure. You're still asking does he, why did he, what does this mean questions. You are still on the rollercoaster just a different section.
This is why NC is a good thing. Go back on it and move on.

Ah, you're right. It's just such an odd and confusing situation! Which is why I definitely needed to veer away from it. Even if I don't know anything for sure, I do feel better about the situation. Especially not having to deal with it anymore. I'm ready to move on.

Thanks everyone for your help :)

I had the same thing happen with me and a guy. When I asked him about it he says people ask each other out still? I was so confused but we ended up dating and now married :)