Hey guys
Well I'm here for a little advice and guess bit more of a rant because we all know it helps. Anyway I've been suffering depression since I was a child self harm for as long as I remember.

Finially with the help of my husband and Les of hard work from me I have reduced the cutting, only have cut once 5 mounths ago and have been feeling great about thy depression settled dwn, doc's cut my meds in half about mnth ago and was feeling great no harmful thoughts at all odd day where I felt bit blue but was easily shooken.

Which brings me too tonight, well past week really I have been feeling full on depressed crying at everything, urges to cut (but haven't gave in yet) suicidal thoughts and I don't know why!

Has anyone else felt like they have had what I think mayb a relaspe? With no reason for it? ( I know the doc's say there is always a reason but literally everything in life is good, husband got new job which pays more, kids are getting along, me and my husband haven't had any major fights in over a mnth, his stopped all drug usage and I've got no stress ATM as I'm currently not working.)

So I am feeling quite crap scared and confussed. My poor husband has been yelled at for everything possible and his done nothing, poor guy went out tonight with a mate for an hr to watch a band( which I know will prob turn into late night being a guy)

Which normally I wouldn't care but tonight I was feeling suicidal and told him, when he got home he would find me dead... Like *** I hate what I said and thank god my children didn't hear me.

If you are like me,when things finally settle down,life is flowing freely I somehow 'manufacture' or life just designs some chaos for me.

As all other aspects of my life have fallen into place,the old 'familiar' comes out,the one that requires me to internalize(self abuse,mental/physical,etc),the behavioral changes show in how I deal with others as well.You seem to be in this rut as well.

In the last couple of weeks I have been going from one extreme to another(being bi-polar,this isn't really a stretch) non-the-less,I need to keep self aware.On here,I have asked my peers for their take on me, they don't seem to think I am too far off,just too self centered.

Staying aware of the urges to cut,watching for the red flags,these are real necessities for those of us who still suffer from depressions.You aren't doing wrong there.

Outbursts might become an issue for those around you though.

How long has it been since you chatted with your doc about this?

Perhaps a therapist or whoever else you have for emotional support(other than your husband).Remember,the kids still are aware of your moods.I would dance around my parents when their moods were volatile, do yours?

Hope this helped:)

KBC

*NOTE*

If I don't respond quickly today its because we are testing a new 'skin' or layout for the site, some of my return responses will be delayed due to this, I will get back to you as soon as I navigate this newness.

Ken

Because you are aware of the changes that signify a relapse in your depression, with known consequences- cutting, depression and suicide-, you need to seek help from your Doctor immediately.

I hope that when you went off all your medications, that this was done under a Doctors guidance. I didn't get the impression that this was done gradually. Nor did you note any follow-up visits during the withdrawal stage of the drugs.

While you were on the medication, things improved to a point where you didn't need them. Because this has been a lifelong problem as you say, is this a typical pattern for you, with the same Doctor? On and off with the medications? Depression since you were a child, and cutting for as long as you can remember, implies to me that there must have been some recommendations made perhaps for counselling at least?

Other than the medications, which is only (usually) a part of the treatment plan, what has been done over these many years, to address this never ending cycle of depression and cutting.

That you have been having other symptoms, such as you described, which included telling your husband that you very recently felt suicidal, I'm not so sure you are doing what you are, or should be doing, to help yourself.

Other than the pills, what treatment have you had, and why are you not seeking immediate help yourself?

I will also stress the importance of seeking some help and guidance from your doctor or counselor.
You have been doing well , don't let a little backslide turn into a bigger one.

Anytime harming yourself or worse is in your mind , it is time to act to dispel these notions before they grow.

But please don't wait, act now.