Sorry this is so long... but there's a lot of important background stuff.

My girlfriend of 4 years dumped me 2 and 1/2 months ago. I started dating this girl near the end of college. It turned out we were both going to be in the same area, her for grad school and me for my first job, so we decided to continue after college. She had just broken up with a boyfriend of 3.5 years who did not treat her well and she hated him by the end of their relationship.

A wrinkle in her immigration status that she informed me of early on is that after her schooling is completed she has to go back to her country for at least 2 years and because she's on a government scholarship, is contractually obligated to work for the government for many years.

The last 3 weeks of college were amazing as we spent almost every hour of every day together. She was my first love and it felt great. When we both moved to Northern California, I helped her move in and we dated like normal people. Everything personally was going fantastic, even though we knew there was an eventual time limit.

However, I hated my job and searched around for a different career path and a possible way for us to be together in the long term. A friend of mine referred me to his company, a large international firm with offices in her home country I might be able to transfer to. The only problem is, this job was in New York, not California.

After many tears, we decided to try long distance instead of breaking up as long as the result was that we would be together. Long distance was hard with the time difference, but we tried to make it work. Flying back and forth every month or two. Video chatting (late at night for me and right after school for her) every night. We seemed destined to be together.

Along the course of 3 years of long distance, I made mistakes showing myself to be commitment-phobic and not ready to be a life-long partner. She became frustrated. She broke up with me once last September, which lasted only a week. She started asking if we could get back together after only a few days. I noticed she started hanging out with her friends more and more at night and on the weekends and postponing our phone calls and video chats until "tomorrow". After all, her social life was somewhat stunted by the need to "call or video chat" with her boyfriend in NY almost every night. I gave her the space because I didn't want to stifle her.

I realize I made her sacrifice a lot in order to make this long distance thing work and in the beginning of this year asked myself if I really wanted to be with her long term. I truly in my heart did. It would be very difficult because of her immigration/contract issue, but I had figured out a plan that could work. I started the process of finding a ring. She kept distancing, hanging out at a guy's house (that I knew liked her) with a group of their friends. I asked her about it and she said it's just a group of friends of both genders that hang out together a lot, nothing to worry about.

In the middle of May, weeks before I was planning on proposing, she dumped me. She said she lost the feelings she used to have for me and thought it was best that we end it. I was devastated. I couldn't bring myself to tell her about the proposal plans. She wanted to remain friends and keep talking almost every day. We did, and I just felt worse and worse. I should've gone NC then, probably. We had already planned on a vacation together in late June and decided to continue to go as friends. We slept in the same bed but with a pillow in between.

I finally confessed during the trip that I was planning on proposing and she was shocked. She said if I had did it a year earlier or hinted at it better, she would have said yes. But, she "can't change her mind now, she just can't" even though for years a proposal from me was what she had been dreaming of. She seriously considered getting back together with me at that point and even called her girlfriends for advice. Ultimately, her decision was for us to wait and see "maybe in a year" if we were both available at the same time and if we were meant to be together.

I took this to mean that she may already be seeing someone and that was why she "just can't" change her mind, especially if being with this other person was why she broke up with me. I later surmised that she was seeing the same guy whose house she'd been hanging out at a lot and had hit on her in the past, even that knowing she was in a relationship.

In the month since then, we've talked often but I've noticed she's become more and more distant towards me and less engaged when we talk on the phone. I think she's moved on with this other guy and even encourages me to go out and date other girls. It's killing me inside and I think I should go NC.

The thing is, her immigration status will go into effect the middle/late next year. The only way for her to even try to stay in the US eventually is to get engaged/married before then for green card purposes. I don't know if this new guy even knows about her restrictions (2 years in home country + multi-year contract) but they've been dating for (hopefully) only since we broke up, 2.5 months.

I'm conflicted because I still want to be with her and am best positioned to be with her even though she broke up with me and says she lost her feelings toward me. But she seems to like this new guy and having fun while she can stay in the US and doesn't like talking or thinking about her situation (I made the mistake of begging/ trying to rationalize with her and writing emails).

What should I do? Go NC, move on and let her sort out her own life? Should I just go NC anyway and if she does contact me about getting back together (presumably if the new guy doesn't fit the long-term bill), I can think about it more rationally and make a decision then?

This isn't easy, and isn't going to get much easier any time soon. You need to let her go. Period. Don't do it for her, don't do it in the hopes of getting back together. Do it for YOU. Whatever this relationship was, whatever it meant to you, no matter how much happiness it brought you, the truth of the matter is, it only brings you misery now. Let it burn. Move on. Don't hold on to her or the feelings you feel/felt. Feel them and then let them go. Let it all pass through you, and move on, go forward and be the best you possible. Be yourself again, be whole, find contentment in yourself.

Don't guilt yourself, don't feel bad about how things went down, you did your best to be honest about your feelings and your emotions. If you weren't "ready" early on in the relationship, that's perfectly fine, and if she truly loved you she'd understand.

And don't fret about her immigration status, that's her problem. Absolutely none of your business now.

Find yourself again and if you still find that you'd be willing to give you and her another go, then go for it. But at the moment, you're in no condition to make that kind of decision. Too much emotional debris floating around, you couldn't possibly see clearly through the dust.

On a side note, judging from how she danced around the reasoning when she dumped you. Vague and indecisive. "Just can't"... I'd be very weary of the actual circumstance of the break up. The vast majority of people would never admit to indiscretion and infidelity when they can avoid it. If you asked her straight up how long she's been with the other guy, how sure are you she'd be wholly honest with you. Really, nothing short of physical evidence (text/phone records, etc) could prove one way or the other what really went on between the two of them. But if you can get over all that, more power to you. But for most partners, that type of thing would ALWAYS be in the back of their mind, and trust would be a constant battle.

Something that caught my eye was her response when you told her about your proposal plan, and that was, "If you had done it earlier..."

... I didn't know there was an expiration date to proposing to someone? It seems like a back-handed comment like, "Sorry, you're too late..." and a person who truly wanted to be with you for the rest of her life wouldn't say something like that.

I am amazed that you guys actually lasted that long - 3 years long distance - wow, that's a lot of dedication and commitment. As a woman, I totally understand her "too late.." comment (wink, wink, Sneezy:) Women give their all to relationship... and when they make their mind to end it, they take it all back. There is no expiration date on proposals, but timing is very important too. Come on, poor girl had been waiting for 3 years... long-distance! If someone swept her off her feet and finally offered her something she wanted all along, then not much OP can do about it.

So she didn't dump you weeks before you finally decided to propose, but after 4 years of relationship - 3 years long-distance - while being commitment-phobic, you couldn't make up your mind.

Time to move on and good luck.

Whatever her reasons for ending the relationship, she's ended it and all you can do now is get over it and rebuild your life on your own, you'll recover from this in time. Sitting around deliberating about it all won't help you, Yes go NC and let yourself heal. That's about all you can do right now.
I know this hurts and you've a head full of questions but you will need to accept some of them just won't ever be answered. Good Luck and post here whenever you want to.

You should have followed your first mind, and gone NC, when you got dumped.

That would have saved a lot of heartache, and false hope.