I have so much to say, but let me start by the basic background info. Im 18, my step sister is 16, and my step mom is in her 30's. There has always been a sort of friction between me and the steps. For one, my step sister thinks I'm perfect! Not true, no ones perfect, nice to say that, but not nice when it bothers her so much that she feels like she has to kill herself! NO LIE! BTW... she's kind of emo :/ They way I found out was I came across a file, on the family computer, msn chatting with a good friend of mine. It was a SHOCK when I saw that... she hates me... but I do nothing to her, and at the time I was living with my mom!

My step mom in the other hand, is jealous because my dad pays more attention to me, not her. But you see, she doesn't know english a lot, so my father and her blow up every time they argue... they simply don't understand each other. The reason why he pays more attention to me is because for many reasons: 1. I understand him 2. I'm his daughter 3. I respect him and he respects me. My father and I have a GREAT relationship! So great that he gives me money on the side without telling her! It might sound rude, but he's just looking out for his daughter, and my step mom would throw a fit because she thinks that I shouldn't get money.. Unfair!

My mom had to move to another town because she wasn't doing good financially. I understood, so I stayed [mostly for my boyfriend <3] moved in to the dorms at the local university. When summer came around I moved to my dads house...

My main problem: well... my dad was going to take a vacation up north for his Akido practice.My step mom complains that she never travels and she wants to travel with him there. But He specifically told us that he would be attending the classes more than spending time with us. My step sis goes along with her boyfriend, and I go along with my boyfriend. The first day went well. I was the driver since I knew the way around. Everything just went well. Oh and I forgot to mention, on the way to the town, we pass where my mom lives. I thought it would be a great idea to take the chance to see her and take some bills that have been sent to the previous house.
The following day, my dad had to stay in the akido longer than usual, so my step mom gets mad. She comes up to me saying that we can't stop by my moms house because since my dad doesn't have time for the family, he doesn't have time for me!! REMEMBER, he mentioned that the trip was for Akido! Anyway, I was calm and understanding and I said okay, that fine, I understand.
BUT NO! She blew up in front of the guest, letting all her anger on me! While I was driving! She just mentioned that my mom is using me, and I told her, YOUr daughter would have done the same. If some one had the chance to see their mother, wouldn't you take that chance? And in the back of the car I hear my step sister saying no! WOW! I was thinking to myself, PATHETIC!

How can I deal with someone like this! I have been nice since I've lived here, washing the dishes, planting a garden for them, cleaning their house. I know I didn't deserve this, especially being embarrassed in front of our guest. And its happened before :( my step mom said I abuse my fathers relationship; in front of my boyfriend... Im sorry but all I've been receiving is S*#@ :( my dad agrees, but that lady is too stubborn. What can I do so that she can treat me with respect and understand that I'm my fathers daughter; of course he's going to love me the most because I am his creation.

It sounds like your doing what you can realisticly. The problem is your not HER daughter. And some people never get over that. Also she may have been jealous because she doesn't have the affections that your giving your own mother. Try to bear with it while your under their roof and after you move out then your on your own as far as where you want it to go.
Your house your rules.

Thanks for your advice... my boyfriend tells me to try to talk with her, and not ignore the situation. It might be the best but the information will go in one ear out the other... He cares about the relationship between me and the steps, but I know even if I try to talk to her, it won't work. She's hardheaded..

Is there anything else I could do... I'm staying here for 2 more weeks, then I move to the dorms. But these two weeks are intense so far, mostly because she doesn't like to admit that she's wrong...

Be patient. I do hope he sees her for what she is. Find assurance in the fact you have a wonderful mom and dad.

It won't last... soon you'll be on your own and you won't have to be around her. She's a real jealous person and jealousy is a sign of insecurity. Bless You

Be patient. I do hope he sees her for what she is. Find assurance in the fact you have a wonderful mom and dad.

It won't last...soon you'll be on your own and you won't have to be around her. She's a real jealous person and jealousy is a sign of insecurity. Bless You

I agree.

You just have to bear with it as best as you can. She is playing mother hen and right now there is a lot of cackling going on. Don't let it get you down nor affect your other relationships.

Good luck and we're here when you need us.

Good luck and we're here when you need us.

Thank you :) its means a lot :) at first I thought it was me not letting her in my life, but I tried in the beginning, but she messed it up because she was jealous

It sounds like your doing what you can realisticly. The problem is your not HER daughter. And some people never get over that. Also she may have been jealous because she doesnt have the affections that your giving your own mother. Try to bear with it while your under thier roof and after you move out then your on your own as far as where you want it to go.
Your house your rules.

Thank you! :D

Im the type of person that respects adults. Even when they are wrong and embarrass me in front of everyone, ill just stand there taking the hit.

What can I do to stand up for myself without getting all wound up and start a fight?
By the way I'm only 18. I want to learn so that in the future I won't be pushed around.

Well, since you are eighteen, you're an adult now too. Defending yourself is a sticky situation though. A lot of adults will still view you as a child, even though you legally aren't. And let's be honest, most adults probably are more mature than you. You're only eighteen, and the process of mental growth and maturation lasts your entire life.

That said, adults can be wrong. Adults can be mean and verbally abusive. AND they will most often not think they are wrong about it. If you find yourself in one of these situations, the only thing you can do is tell them that you feel uncomfortable. Ask them to stop. It sounds cliché, but it can work. If they refuse, try to remove yourself from the situation. If it's your parents, this might be difficult though.

I think this would be easier if you gave us a little more information. These adults that are putting you down, how do you know them? Are they relatives? Friends of your parents? What do they do to put you down? Do they use flat out insults? Or is it something more inconspicuous?

Above all, it worries me when you say defend yourself. I'm hoping that you mean verbally and not physically. Physical retaliation against another adult can get you into a lot of legal trouble, and that's the last thing you want, trust me.

You're the type of person who can 'take the hit' lots of people can't and get angry and in return a full blown row insues.

Speak to the person after the 'hit' and let them know they hurt your feelings and you feel it was undeserved.

You can be calm and clear headed when saying it.

You could also when they have finished their rant,say in a calm voice that you feel that their anger towards you is unjustified.

Staying calm is the key,breathe slowly,stand as straight as you can.

If its your culture to take the hit and not respond,then perhaps speaking to the person afterwards will be more effective.

Often people when upset or frustrated will lash out as the nearest available person,meaning you get the hit that was meant for someone else.

Know that it is not always you that is in the wrong only your getting the brunt of their frustration.

You are 18 and they are adults so be respectful. After they state their case.. tell them how you feel.

Remain calm, do not use swear words or vulgar language. Be firm and emphatic and always look them straight in the eye and don't lose eye contact.

Be respectful if it is your parents and if the situation is something they do or don't want you to do
Remain calm and ask if you all can talk without yelling and will they please listen to how you feel.

Wish I knew more and I and the others here could give you better advise.

Its my step mom :( she got mad at because I wanted to drop off mail to my moms house. We were in a small vacation, and we happened to pass by where my mom lives. I spoke to my dad earlier about the situation and he said its fine to stop by.
Since my dad went to some program, he had to stay longer than usual... that got my step mom pissed off, so she told me that since my father had no time for the family, he has no time for you... BUT you see, he mentioned specifically that he would be there most of the time... anyway, I said OK that's fine, I understand. But she still blew up, telling me that my mom is using me... but you see, I was the one who wanted to take mail to her, not my mom. Anyway she embarrassed me in front of my boyfriend and my stepsisters boyfriend too.

I hope you understand..

its my step mom :( she got mad at because i wanted to drop off mail to my moms house. we were in a small vacation, and we happened to pass by where my mom lives. i spoke to my dad earlier about the situation and he said its fine to stop by.
since my dad went to some program, he had to stay longer than usual... that got my step mom pissed off, so she told me that since my father had no time for the family, he has no time for you... BUT you see, he mentioned specifically that he would be there most of the time... anyways, i said ok thats fine, i understand. but she still blew up, telling me that my mom is using me... but u see, I was the one who wanted to take mail to her, not my mom. anyways she embarrassed me in front of my boyfriend and my stepsisters boyfriend too.

i hope u understand..

I'm going to see if we can combine your threads OK... Keep posting.

Looks like she was mad at your dad,not you.

My advice is to catch her when she's in good form,make her a cup of tea,and then talk to her as if you were talking to a friend.

Ask her how she is?

Ask her is there anything you can do to make her life easier?

Let her talk.

She may apolise to you during the conversation,if so accept it.

If not and she gets caught up in her own problem,just let her talk

Show her you are an adult,and she will treat you as one.

Respect begets respect.

I completely agree with redhed35.

I sounds to me like you need to show her you are a responsible adult, one that is deserving of a little bit of respect. As redhed35 said, that means respecting her too, and probably first.

I completely agree with redhed35.

I sounds to me like you need to show her you are a responsible adult, one that is deserving of a little bit of respect. As redhed35 said, that means respecting her too, and probably first.

Please read her other thread. By reading the other thread I think Alexpie is doing all she can to get along with this woman. I certainly don't think the step mom is an angel.. quite the opposite. She's a jealous shrew.

Please read her other thread. By reading the other thread I think Alexpie is doing all she can to get along with this woman. I certainly don't think the step mom is an angel ..quite the opposite. She's a jealous shrew.

Just did. And I agree. She is a jealous shrew. However, that doesn't mean Alexpie shouldn't follow redhed's advice, which is sound. Following the advice may not resolve the situation, but it will at least make it bearable for the time being.

The step mom will probably continue her actions until Alexpie can financially support herself and move out.

Thanks you all :) I wanted to find a way to deal with my step mom, and learn to stand up to her and others.

Thanks you all :) i wanted to find a way to deal with my step mom, and learn to stand up to her and others.

You are very welcome. Let us know how it turns out.:)

You are very welcome. Let us know how it turns out.:)

Will do :) I'll try the best that I can to get it through her :) thanks for all the support

I truly wish you the best. Good luck.

Im the type of person that respects adults. Even when they are wrong and embarrass me in front of everyone, ill just stand there taking the hit.

What can i do to stand up for myself without getting all wound up and start a fight??
btw im only 18. I want to learn so that in the future i wont be pushed around.

One of the secrets in life and being a sucsess at it is to know when to pick your battles and how to win the war. Sometimes when things hit the fan you have to stand there. (I know eewww). But here is the key. Believe in yourself and believe in the truth. Some are won by fighting back and some are won by killing off with kindness. Again its in choosing your battles and how to wage them is the key to it all. Just be true to yourself. You will know and judge as you have already done. Sometimes you have to pave the way for others and some you just have to bulldoze over. You will find that when holding your voice it sometimes is the loudest scream. Silence can be a good weapon. Pick your times. If you face someone who is grumpy in the morning then don't go into conflict in the morning. Sometimes you don't always want to express your feelings as others are looking for just that. If someone can't figure out your hot buttons then you have won. Always keep a cool head. And remind yourself that you are the only person you have to live with for the rest of your life. So its your choice how when and where. When you mentioned before that you were being yelled at in the car while driving that not only is unacceptable but extremely dangerous to everyone near. Many persons choose times just like that because they believe they have control making you powerless. Just keep in mind that you know better then that. And you know the truth. Choose wisely.

It would be nice if everybody got along wouldn't it?

I think you enjoy some part of this, perhaps in a jealous or revengeful way, as you indicated that he pays more attention to you, than he does to her. And he slides you money behind her back, etc. I would bet she knows exactly what's going on, I know I would with my husband.

You seem to think that your place should be above her place in the pecking order.

I disagree.

This is her house, you are only there temporarily if I read you right- and going back to the dorm. As you said, you chose to stay with your father, and his wife, to be closer to your boyfriend.

Knowing how the two of you clash- probably in the same way misunderstandings occur with your father due to the language barrier- then I have to ask you, why do you stay. Why complain, why not move back with your mother. Or make other arrangements until school starts again.

You are an adult, and an extra person, in her home. If you don't like it there- move.

It would be nice if everybody got along wouldn't it?

I think you enjoy some part of this, perhaps in a jealous or revengeful way, as you indicated that he pays more attention to you, than he does to her. And he slides you money behind her back, etc. I would bet she knows exactly what's going on, I know I would with my husband.

You seem to think that your place should be above her place in the pecking order.

I disagree.

This is her house, you are only there temporarily if I read you right- and going back to the dorm. As you said, you chose to stay with your father, and his wife, to be closer to your boyfriend.

Knowing how the two of you clash- probably in the same way misunderstandings occur with your father due to the language barrier- then I have to ask you, why do you stay. Why complain, why not move back with your mother. Or make other arrangements until school starts again.

You are an adult, and an extra person, in her home. If you don't like it there- move.


Im not the revenge type of person. I dislike fighting. The reason why he pays more attention to me is because I respect him. We hardly argue or fight. We are always on the same page, if we're not, we resolve it in a proper manner, not by screaming or yelling, which my step mom does.
Yes he gives me money. But you see I'm a college student. I live on my own during school time. I do have a job, but since my father has money, he wants me to save mine and buy something useful, such as a car ( which I'm trying to find one right now).And its not like he's giving me thousands of dollars, maybe 20 or 40 a week for basic needs.

NO I do not think I want to be above her place. My role is being a daughter, not wife. All I am asking for is respect. I have been nice since I've got there, like I said, wash the dishes without being told, planting a garden for her, cleaning up her daughters mess ( which I shouldn't because she's at the house all day ), doing their laundry. I do these things because its nice to walk in to a clean house. Ever since I've been there, its been clean and fresh because of me. When I'm not, it's a pigs house, mostly because of her daughter. She's there all day and leave a trail of mess every where she goes.

It would have been nice to stay with my mom but her new job won't allow her to spend time with me. I don't want to be bored for the whole summer while my mom is at work. That's unfair for me. I chose to stay with my father because I have more to do here and I have a job. I also don't want to be moving back and forth from one town to the next.

From your original post:


There has always been a sort of friction between me and the steps... ( I wonder why)

They way I found out was I came across a file, on the family computer (Snooping are we?)

My step mom in the other hand, is jealous because my dad pays more attention to me, not her... (judgmental?)

... he gives me money on the side without telling her! (... )

How can I deal with someone like this! (Seems like you are the catalyst for everything you say she is doing wrong.

... of course he's going to love me the most because I am his creation... (Even parents have limits- especially when they marry. Btw, it is a different kind of love) It's not a contest.

All I am saying here is that you have to take responsibility for yourself. Just like we all do. Your step mother is your step mother- not your enemy, not your competition. You are in no position to judge her.

You are in HER home, like it or not. You are an adult, living in your father and his wife's home. Not your home, their home.

I am not judging you as a bad person or daughter or friend or sibling. That is not MY place. What I'm saying is my response to your original post left me thinking that this is all about you, and perhaps if you took a look at what role you play in their lives, you might see some ways to improve your attitude, thus improving your relationship with your step mother.

I do hope you can find peace, and just accept her for who she is. Nobody is perfect, and there are no step parent/step daughter handbooks that I am aware of.

I still suggest that if it is impossible for you, to get along with her, then perhaps you should make alternate arrangements. I doubt the respect you demand from her, will result in anything positive, for either of you.

Of course, this is just my opinion here, and you could carry on exactly as you have, and nothing will change. Up to you.

From your original post:


There has always been a sort of friction between me and the steps...( I wonder why)

They way i found out was i came across a file, on the family computer (Snooping are we?)

My step mom in the other hand, is jealous because my dad pays more attention to me, not her...(judgmental?)

...he gives me money on the side without telling her! (...)

How can i deal with someone like this! (Seems like you are the catalyst for everything you say she is doing wrong.

.... of course hes gonna love me the most because i am his creation......(Even parents have limits- especially when they marry. Btw, it is a different kind of love) It's not a contest.

All I am saying here is that you have to take responsibility for yourself. Just like we all do. Your step mother is your step mother- not your enemy, not your competition. You are in no position to judge her.

You are in HER home, like it or not. You are an adult, living in your father and his wife's home. Not your home, their home.

I am not judging you as a bad person or daughter or friend or sibling. That is not MY place. What I'm saying is my response to your original post left me thinking that this is all about you, and perhaps if you took a look at what role you play in their lives, you might see some ways to improve your attitude, thus improving your relationship with your step mother.

I do hope you can find peace, and just accept her for who she is. Nobody is perfect, and there are no step parent/step daughter handbooks that I am aware of.

I still suggest that if it is impossible for you, to get along with her, then perhaps you should make alternate arrangements. I doubt the respect you demand from her, will result in anything positive, for either of you.

Of course, this is just my opinion here, and you could carry on exactly as you have, and nothing will change. Up to you.


Definition of snooping : To pry into the private affairs of others.
The Family computer isn't private. Its welcomed to the whole family, not only to one specific person. If a file is wished to be private, then that person should have been smart enough to use their own computer, not the families.

My step mom is jealous. Maybe she's jealous that I give more affection to my own mother and father. She has her daughter to receive that affection; maybe its not as strong as mine towards my partents. That reason may be because she left her daughter at her mothers house for about 12 years, with no contact.( not judging, just the truth) She's insecure about herself. I don't know why or what she's insecure about, but my father mentions it to me many times. Im not being judgmental, just honest.

I don't want my step mom to be my enemy or create a competition. I know I'm in no position to judge her, but she has is in no position to let her anger out on me. This article isn't about what am I. Its about how can I talk to her; what she did in the car wasn't polite to me or in front of our guest. Maybe respect is the wrong word, but all I want is acceptance. Make me feel like family, not another human.Maybe get a Thank you. She complains that the house is dirty and she doesn't have time. A Thank You would be a nice way to award me, hence acceptance. The house isn't just hers, its my fathers too. Just because there is a conflict, doesn't mean my only way to resolve the conflict is to move out. A problem you ignore is still a problem. Moving out would be like running away from the problem.
Moving out of the house shouldn't be an option for a daughter. Dealing with the problem is more appropriate. I will always have to face this if I do not resolve it because my father is in this house. If I leave the problem unresolved by just moving out, what would it solve? Nothing, that would be me just ignoring it for a while, it wouldn't disappear. The only reason why I am moving out is because I have no car to drive to school. It will be more efficient for me living on the campus.

Q: would you tell your own son/daughter to move out of the house if there's conflict with you or with a step parent?

If my attitude was negative, then I simply wouldn't care about her or anyone else. Since I'm here on this website, eager to learn, I want to make a change, not just in her, but myself. This is showing that I care, and I'm willing to make changes!

Definition of snooping : To pry into the private affairs of others.
the Family computer isnt private. Its welcomed to the whole family, not only to one specific person. If a file is wished to be private, then that person should have been smart enough to use their own computer, not the families.

My step mom is jealous. Maybe shes jealous that i give more affection to my own mother and father. She has her daughter to recieve that affection; maybe its not as strong as mine towards my partents. That reason may be because she left her daughter at her mothers house for about 12 years, with no contact.( not judging, just the truth) Shes insecure about herself. I dont know why or what shes insecure about, but my father mentions it to me many times. Im not being judgmental, just honest.

I dont want my step mom to be my enemy or create a competition. I know i'm in no position to judge her, but she has is in no position to let her anger out on me. This article isnt about what am i. Its about how can i talk to her; what she did in the car wasnt polite to me or in front of our guest. Maybe respect is the wrong word, but all i want is acceptance. Make me feel like family, not another human.Maybe get a Thank you. She complains that the house is dirty and she doesnt have time. A Thank You would be a nice way to award me, hence acceptance. The house isnt just hers, its my fathers too. Just because there is a conflict, doesnt mean my only way to resolve the conflict is to move out. A problem you ignore is still a problem. Moving out would be like running away from the problem.
Moving out of the house shouldnt be an option for a daughter. Dealing with the problem is more appropriate. i will always have to face this if i do not resolve it because my father is in this house. if i leave the problem unresolved by just moving out, what would it solve? nothing, that would be me just ignoring it for a while, it wouldnt disappear. The only reason why i am moving out is because i have no car to drive to school. It will be more efficient for me living on the campus.

Q: would you tell your own son/daughter to move out of the house if theres conflict with you or with a step parent?

If my attitude was negative, then i simply wouldn't care about her or anyone else. Since im here on this website, eager to learn, I want to make a change, not just in her, but myself. This is showing that i care, and im willing to make changes!

I think you have a reason to be upset. Look when you are in school you won't have to see her. No, I would never tell one of my children to leave.
A parents love for their child is beyond anything. I love my step children they are part of my heart and have been since the day I married their dad.Many moons ago. He accepted my child and we had one of our own.

If my husband had been mean to my daughter I would have left in a New York Minute. I think you are a nice girl so hang on and you'll soon be in school.. . Kit

I think you have a reason to be upset. Look when you are in school you won't have to see her. No, I would never tell one of my children to leave.
A parents love for their child is beyond anything. I love my step children they are part of my heart and have been since the day I married their dad.Many moons ago. He accepted my child and we had one of our own.

If my husband had been mean to my daughter I would have left in a New York Minute. I think you are a nice girl so hang on and you'll soon be in school. .....Kit

Thank you for your kind words and understanding my situation... means a lot to me :) <3

Thank you for your kind words and understanding my situation... means a lot to me :) <3

You're welcome and you are in my prayers.:)