I have been living with my boyfriend for the last year. We got along very well, had a very compatible lifestyle with lots of mutual affection. I was very happy. He has been under a lot of stress lately with being laid off from his high-tech job and unable to find anything, and I was doing my best to be supportive. One day he said he wanted to move to another city to work during the week and commute back on weekends. I objected, and all of a sudden everything blew up. First he said he couldn't count on me, then when I objected to that, he said that HE wasn't committed to ME, and that there were some things about me and our relationship that bothered him. I was utterly devastated, as all of this came totally out of the blue; I had believed our relationship to be secure and stable and safe. So I ended up moving out that very day, and have been shifting from one girlfriend's to another for the last month while he "thinks". We have had a few conversations by phone and in person while he works out what he wants. It has all been very shattering for me, as I feel I have been left hanging in limbo, and without a home. He gives conflicting, confusing messages. Last night was our most open, calm conversation yet. We talked about what we each wanted in a relationship; and then he said he wasn't able to have a relationship right now. So I thought, it's over. Then he says he wants to talk next weekend when he isn't so tired, he wants to hear more of what I have to say, and he wants us to have a "date", go out to our usual pub or something. Should I go? I loved our life together, and I loved the guy (can I still?), but I feel very abused by all this. Each day is a torment to get through when I'm just waiting for a chance to talk to him. Part of me wants to tell him where to go, part of me knows he's confused and hopes he'll realize he cherishes me as a loving loyal partner, a gift. Please advise!

This is the inherent problem with living together out of wedlock, the true commitment is not there. If you love him, give him time and space but NOT TOO MUCH. If he does not come around, at some point, you have to move on.

You know unfornately men are sometimes hard to understand, but what confuses me is could there be someone else and he wants the gest of both?/ Something is wrong and no matter what the problems a couple might have, togetherness is what it's all about and working on our problems... Are you communicating to each other about everyhting, or could it be that he wants to see how it works out with the other female before he dumps you... these are just assumptions, but we cna't be to careful... Talk, Talk, Talk and if he doesn't settle this then move on life is to short and I'm there is someone out there that will appreciated you... best of luck and God bless

Chaz :)

I have been in a relationship where I got so many confusing messages so I know what you are going thro. My advice is to tell him exactly what you want and what you think. Don't be afraid that by saying anything you will kill the relationship... its better to say what has to be said now than later.
I wish you well.
Shiru.

I believe men are afraid to reject a woman so they run from them. In this case why he "thinks" you should really think about what your going to do for yourself and where to live. He sounds like he may have set his eyes on someone else but nothing has happened yet so he's waiting to see the outcome. Honey, you've learned and conquered. He'll be suffering trust me, why do you think he still calls. He needs to detach but it's too painful to do it at once so he continues to remain in contact until he can do without you. That's my theory, been there done that!

This is a sign that you need to re-think your relationship entirely. He is obviously not ready for any commitment, maybe he just realized that, but to keep you hanging is grossly unfair and you should not tolerate it. Out is out; once you moved out, that was it. He is hemming and hawing, putting you through misery while he "thinks" and so on. He is going through insecurities about his job and expects you to accept any arrangement, just like that, no questions asked; this is clearly unfair and unrealistic. Because HIS life has changed, he expects you to drastically alter your life too; doesn't work that way, especially the sudden way he did it, with no discussion and no give and take. If the situation were reversed, and you were the one who had to relocate and sprung it on him, what do you think would have happened? So now he wants to see you and "date" you? Only if you're a glutton for punishment... avoid him and go on with your own life and let him think some more; he needs time and space, as do you.

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