Hi everyone. 1st I'd like to thank you for taking the time to read this and to reply. Thank you soooo much.

I have been with my man for 3yrs and 4mns. We lived together for 3yrs n 1mn and we have one conjoined BANK acct. he has his own acct and is trying to literally force me to add my name on it because he feels couples should SHARE EVERYTHING. OK so I opened my very own acct with only my name on it and he is upset and threatened to leave me if I didn't put his name on it so I said he should leave. He hasn't asked me what I want to do and feels that by me having my own acct will make it that much easier to leave him one day. He has full access to my acct and I don't need to hide anything from him. All of our money goes into our conjoined acct and every week I move at least 50 to his acct and 50 to my acct. so why aren't I allowed to have my own money? Today he asked me "so what are u going to do? add me on ur acct or cancel it?" then he suggest I conjoin all of our accts which altogether will be 3 bank accts with our names on it which to me sounds silly. I'm scared to tell him "hey im keeping my own acct" but I don't know because when we 1st got together I had my own acct with citibank and everyday he asked me to put his name on it and I don't know why he needs to be on everythng I have. I just like knowing that I am an individual person and not considered "one" with him but he isn't understanding that and just thinks I'm trying to hide things from him. I really need so advice help! I don't know if this makes a difference but he gets paid more than me and he ALWAYS asks before spending any kind of money being that I handle all the finances. He barely deals with our money ever so I know he isn't trying to "steal" the money or anything like that. He's just the type of guy that likes it to be him and me on everything

I don't think I'd put any man's name on anything unless I was married to him.
I also don't see why you cannot have your own little stash if that makes you feel secure. I did and my husband was not bothered by it at all. Your having your own little bit of money is not going to make you want to leave him, if you want to leave, you're going to do it anyway.
I don't know him, but it sounds like an issue of control to me, but that is just me.
If he is wanting to give up a 3 year relationship over the name or the lack thereof on a bank account there may be some other issues there.
How old are the both of you?

You have every right to manage your finances and hold an account in your name.
If you had previously agreed to do otherwise I could a problem.

Relationships need to be built on trust and honesty. Ask him if he doesn't trust you. If not then it is time for a major re evaluation of the relationship.
If he does trust you then having an account to yourself should not be an issue.

Never let someone force you do to something that there is no logical reason for. This can be the start of how a control freak takes over your life until you can do nothing he doesn't want you to.

Consider this a red flag and watch for controlling behavior.
That can ruin your life and relationship.

Be strong and do what you think is best for you.

I wish you well

I don't speak text speak so part of this is confusing to me - you lived with him for 3 years and 4 minutes? I assume you mean months.

I wouldn't put anything in joint names unless we were married and perhaps not even then.

Good advice from everyone so far.

Please do not use chat speak. It against site rules. From the Terms of Service (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/faq.php?faq=vb_faq#faq_faq_rules):

Use the best English you are capable of. "Chat speak", all caps, lack of punctuation, etc. can be annoying, and will frequently result in the post being either unanswered or removed.

Is your name on 'his' account?

I think you both need to sit down and discuss this like adults. Talk and listen to each other. Find out why he is so adamant about being on your account.

It does sound very controlling. Just because you handle the money doesn't mean that he couldn't open another account without your knowledge and transfer all funds into it IF he felt it was a way to hold on to you.

If he is insecure, that is his problem if you haven't given him any reason to be concerned (for example cheated on him). Trying to reassure an insecure person doesn't work because he/she takes that as proof you are up to something. Counseling can help if he is open to it. However, he has to be the one who wants to make the change. If he isn't and continues to threaten to leave if you don't do what he wants, pack your bags, remove your part of the money from the joint account, and leave. It is only going to get worse.

You have every right to manage your finances and hold an account in your name.
If you had previously agreed to do otherwise I could a problem.

Relationships need to be built on trust and honesty. Ask him if he doesn't trust you. If not then it is time for a major re evaluation of the relationship.
If he does trust you then having an account to yourself should not be an issue.

Never let someone force you do to something that there is no logical reason for. This can be the start of how a control freak takes over your life until you can do nothing he doesn't want you to.

Consider this a red flag and watch for controlling behavior.
That can ruin your life and relationship.

Be strong and do what you think is best for you.

I wish you well

May I email you please?


Please do use chat speak. It against site rules. From the Terms of Service (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/faq.php?faq=vb_faq#faq_faq_rules):


Is your name on 'his' account?

I think you both need to sit down and discuss this like adults. Talk and listen to each other. Find out why he is so adamant about being on your account.

It does sound very controlling. Just because you handle the money doesn't mean that he couldn't open another account without your knowledge and transfer all funds into it IF he felt it was a way to hold on to you.

If he is insecure, that is his problem if you haven't given him any reason to be concerned (for example cheated on him). Trying to reassure an insecure person doesn't work because he/she takes that as proof you are up to something. Counseling can help if he is open to it. However, he has to be the one who wants to make the change. If he isn't and continues to threaten to leave if you don't do what he wants, pack your bags, remove your part of the money from the joint account, and leave. It is only going to get worse.



I am truly sorry about my text chat. I am capable of perfect english. Sorry again to all. My name is not on his acct because I don't want it on there but he keeps asking me to put my name on it. I am 24yrs old and he will be turning 21 in August

may I email you please?

Please keep all contact on the board. It helps keep your story together and makes certain that everyone posting has the same information to work on.


i am truly sorry about my text chat. i am capable of perfect english. sorry again to all.

We don't expect perfection. :)

Is he attempting to be this controlling about other areas such as who you are friends with or what you wear? Maybe he's very vocal about not wanting you to go certain places without him?

We don't expect perfection. :)

Is he attempting to be this controlling about other areas such as who you are friends with or what you wear? Maybe he's very vocal about not wanting you to go certain places without him?

Oh my god yes to all those questions!! He wants to control everything! I control him in certain areas as well like not contacting his exes, wearing seatbelts while driving, not smoking cigarettes, um I pretty much try to stop him from doing things that might get him killed or if it has to do with his health. The only times I tell him something about his clothes is when he comes outside looking like a bum. But he keeps me from talking to certain people, can't wear shirts that show clevage (which I do anyway because its my body) he does try to control a lot

Unless you both stop trying to control each other then you're heading for a hard relationship, its already toxic, you should be able to have your own bank account, both of you not just you, him too, his exs are just that his exs, OK the no smoking parts a good thing, him telling you what you can or can't wear that's bad, and you and he both appear to be digging your heels in over these issues, instead of talking them through like 2 consenting adults in a healthy relationship would.

I think you have control issues both of you need to take time out and talk about them and compromise, or agree to disagree, if you don't then things between you could get seriously abusive in time to come.

Let each other be themselves, it's a relationship you have not an ownership.

You don't own each other. You're sharing a time span, not a jail term...

Unless you both stop trying to control each other then youre heading for a hard relationship, its already toxic, you should be able to have your own bank account, both of you not just you, him too, his exs are just that his exs, ok the no smoking parts a good thing, him telling you what you can or can't wear thats bad, and you and he both appear to be digging your heels in over these issues, instead of talking them through like 2 consenting adults in a healthy relationship would.

I think you have control issues both of you need to take time out and talk about them and compromise, or agree to disagree, if you dont then things between you could get seriously abusive in time to come.

Let each other be themselves, its a relationship you have not an ownership.

You dont own each other. youre sharing a time span, not a jail term...


Hi, we sit down and talk about certain things but it doesn't work. He either ends up yelling or I do. I usually want to sit down and talk but he saids no I'm mad leave me alone. I never gave him a reason to doubt my love for him. I never cheated or snuck around and spoke to any one especially an ex. But he on the other hand continued contact with his ex for 2yrs and now he feels that I will do the same to get back at him. I started something new with him, instead of telling him no you can't do that I tell him why I feel he shouldn't do it. For example he wants to spend $300 on a race wheel for the ps3. OK that's fine but we can't afford it! We are 600 behind on rent and 2 of our bills are behind plus we haven't paid our car insurance and we have to spend more than $1000 to get our car fixed. So he starts telling me he is going to get it and I keep saying no you are not because we canot afford this right now. We can see about getting it in a couple of months when we know it won't effect us. But then he gets mad and saids its my money too. And that's y I decided to make a new acct. this is my plan and I explained it to him. We have 3 bank accts. One is conjoined and its where all of our money is and direct deposits. Every week I transfer something over to both accts and that's "left over" money so he is allowed to spend that money on that acct on whatever he wants. I find it to be a good plan but he sees it as I'm hiding money from him or whatever, but if I honestly let him buy the things he wants we will be living in the streets. Here is a list off all the things he wants for this yr and mind you all we only get paid $489 a week btwn both of us. Rent is 600 a month, phone bill 100 internet 30 cable 70 groceries ill say 150 a week and 100 for his own personal use (food for the week when he is working, cigarettes,beer) and gas for the week maybe 60. OK so that's where all of our money goes and here are the things he wants for 2010

1. $300 race wheel
2. new xbox
3. new ps3
4. turbo for our car (I don't what for. I don't like him speeding which is another issue in our relationship)
5. iPhone 3g ($150 used from a friend)
6. new car
7. flat screen TV (which he bought off his moms credit card for $556)
8. new ps3 games which are at least $60 each
9. iPad (dont know the price but I know its over $300)
10. Bass booster speakers for the car

These are just the topp things he talks about but the list goes on and on and on! I have to "control" him in this area because he is too irresponsible and I enjoying having a roof over my head and a car and food lol

How old is he? This is my step-grandson's Christmas list!

So you have been with this young man sine he was 17/18. Maybe he is insecure, has to prove he's in charge since you are older than him.
Has he always been that way or is it since he's about to be 21 he's flexing his muscles.
You two need to sit down and discus things like adults. You are not each other's parents.
Could be he is trying to be grown but has the wrong idea about what being grown means.

So you have been with this young man sine he was 17/18. maybe he is insecure, has to prove he's in charge since you are older than him.
Has he always been that way or is it since he's about to be 21 he's flexing his muscles.
You two need to sit down and discus things like adults. You are not each other's parents.
Could be he is trying to be grown but has the wrong idea about what being grown means.

No he has always been this way. The 1st day we met he looked through my text messages and asked me questions about the people I talk to and I asked him to give me the respect of not looking through my fone. I mean its my fault because I should have known by then what kind of person he is. He thinks I'm his mom. We both work but only I clean wash dishes feed the cats clean the litter and go to the market. I'm always cleaning up after him and when I do tell his mom she just laughs and saids men don't do things like that. Um no wrong! My father works more than 40hrs a week and he cooks cleans and goes to the supermarket. At times he doesn't even let my stepmom do anything around the house so idont see why he can't do things for himself. I stopped washing his clothes and doing anything for him and even stopped having sex with him (which is another issue because 3times a week isn't enough for him but oh well) but that just caused more problems and I was tired of looking at molded dishes and a stinky bathroom

It may be time to let the baby go or you will be dealing with this for a very long time.
Instead of saying "no allowance this week" you're saying "no sex"
Cut the apron strings!

It may be time to let the baby go or you will be dealing with this for a very long time.
Instead of saying "no allowance this week" you're saying "no sex"
Cut the apron strings!

Yes I say no sex hahahahha I know its petty but just because I am your girl doesn't mean that you get it for free lol. But it just pisses him off even more but I just ignore him until he does what a man is suppose to do

He is still a child and you have let him be one for 3 years, He throws temper tantrums.
It's really on you. You either put up with his childish crap or you say enough and make him grow up.
See how many toys he can buy if he is on his own, paying rent and the whole shebang.

He's not a control freak, he is a spoiled child and you're the indulgent parent who's complaining about her spoiled child.
He does what you have allowed him to do, treats you the way you have allowed him to.

hi, we sit down and talk about certain things but it doesnt work. he either ends up yelling or i do. i usually want to sit down and talk but he saids no im mad leave me alone. i never gave him a reason to doubt my love for him. i never cheated or snuck around and spoke to any one especially an ex. but he on the other hand continued contact with his ex for 2yrs and now he feels that i will do the same to get back at him. i started something new with him, instead of telling him no u can't do that i tell him why i feel he shouldnt do it. for example he wants to spend $300 on a race wheel for the ps3. ok thats fine but we can't afford it! we are 600 behind on rent and 2 of our bills are behind plus we havent paid our car insurance and we have to spend more than $1000 to get our car fixed. so he starts telling me he is going to get it and i keep saying no you are not because we canot afford this right now. we can see about getting it in a couple of months when we know it wont effect us. but then he gets mad and saids its my money too. and thats y i decided to make a new acct. this is my plan and i explained it to him. we have 3 bank accts. one is conjoined and its where all of our money is and direct deposits. every wk i transfer something over to both accts and thats "left over" money so he is allowed to spend that money on taht acct on whatever he wants. i find it to be a good plan but he sees it as im hiding money from him or whatever, but if i honestly let him buy the things he wants we will be living in the streets. here is a list off all the things he wants for this yr and mind u all we only get paid $489 a wk btwn both of us. rent is 600 a month, phone bill 100 internet 30 cable 70 groceries ill say 150 a wk and 100 for his own personal use (food for the wk when he is working, cigarettes,beer) and gas for the wk maybe 60. ok so thats where all of our money goes and here are the things he wants for 2010

1. $300 race wheel
2. new xbox
3. new ps3
4. turbo for our car (i dont what for. i dont liek him speeding which is another issue in our relationship)
5. iphone 3g ($150 used from a friend)
6. new car
7. flat screen tv (which he went ahead and bought off his moms credit card for $556)
8. new ps3 games which are atleast $60 each
9. ipad (dont know the price but i kno its over $300)
10. bass booster speakers for the car

these are just the topp things he talks about but the list goes on and on and on! i have to "control" him in this area bcuz he is too irresponsible and i enjoying having a roof over my head and a car and food lol

Do you both work?
I think the above list is very unrealistic. Especially as you say you have rent arrears that should be your first priority, as in pay the rent, and utility bills, get food, and weekly needs, say petrol or fares to work other day to day living expenses, milk bread.
Pay any commitments you have like credit card bills, etc. On time..

Once you've paid these then whatever is left over you could divvy up as in half each, or put to one side in order to buy luxuries at a later date.

I also think that you could maybe do with some debt management counselling sessions, to help you both learn how to budget your money correctly, however never let your rent get into arrears that's the main priority pay that above all and any other things every month or when its due. If you owe arrears do have a word with your landlord and make him an offer to pay off the arrears at so much a month and please stick to that agreement.

You and he have both got to stop this wanting to control each other, you're in a relationship, you don't have the right to demand he do this or that and neither does he, you're adults or in an adult relationship, please stop the control or power struggles and get sensible, talk things through don't make demands either of you. Obviously that doesn't work.

Here's a little advice that could get you working together for once.
How to really listen:
You both agree who is to do the talking first, you then let that person say whatever is on their mind, fully, once the persons finished, wait one minute then the other person replies. Then do same with other person letting them speak without interupting, interupting means you're not listening.

If you two can manage to do this then maybe you'll stop all of this controlling or wanting to control, you're in a relationship, a partnership, and as such you should both be taking each others views and desires into account, not trying to control areas of that relationship, you're not his owner and he's not yours.

His list is totally unrealistic, and sounds as JudyKayTee has already said like someone's christmas wish list, when you're in a relationship you both need to learn how to budget, together and how you're going to save for luxuries like flat screen TVs and Xboxs, you don't earn enough or have enough money coming in each week to have such a ridiculous list, tell him to give that to santa LOL.

Seriously try as Ive suggested to you here, if this still doesn't stop you both trying to control each other then I don't hold out much hope for the relationship. You both need to stop the controlling. And learn how to budget. Once you do this then wonder about 2nd and 3rd bank accounts, Pay your rent first.

He is still a child and you have let him be one for 3 years, He throws temper tantrums.
It's really on you. You either put up with his childish crap or you say enough and make him grow up.
See how many toys he can buy if he is on his own, paying rent and the whole shebang.

He's not a control freak, he is a spoiled child and you're the indulgent parent who's complaining about her spoiled child.
He does what you have allowed him to do, treats you the way you have allowed him to.

I wouldn't say he is spoiled because he actually doesn't buy all of the crap he wants. I always talk to him about his dirty habits of not cleaning up and its been like this for 3 yrs. I tried talking and making little chore list and it works for about a month but then he falls off the wagon and my job gets undone :-( its not my fault that he is like this, his mom saids it all the time that it is because of her because she raised him. But I just need advice on how to get through to him. Maybe my tone isn't good or maybe I just haven't said it the correct way? I love him and I know it takes 2 to make a relationship work and I know I have to deal with whatever because I choose to stay but I believe people can change :-/ if I ask him to help me he might help but usually he saids OK and never move. I once took his dishes and threw them in the garbage so he went out and bought 10 of the cups I threw out just to mess with me!

It's not your fault he is the way he is, but you have become his mother.
Stop playing games with him. He is who he is, and you will either put up with it or you will say enough and leave. You will not change this man child. He has to want to change. He has to grow up.

OP Ive read through some of your replies in this thread, and I feel I have to say, you allowed him to be as he is the day you met him when he went through your phone, you should have said to him then that's mine and my texts are none of your business, but you're enabling him to treat you badly, and not accept responsibility. You're both being very childish. Time to grow up and act like adults or let this relationship go. Its on a losing streak at this time.

Do you both work?
I think the above list is very unrealistic. especially as you say you have rent arrears that should be your first priority, as in pay the rent, and utility bills, get food, and weekly needs, say petrol or fares to work other day to day living expenses, milk bread.
Pay any commitments you have like credit card bills, etc. On time..

Once youve paid these then whatever is left over you could divvy up as in half each, or put to one side in order to buy luxuries at a later date.

I also think that you could maybe do with some debt management counselling sessions, to help you both learn how to budget your money correctly, however never let your rent get into arrears thats the main priority pay that above all and any other things every month or when its due. If you owe arrears do have a word with your landlord and make him an offer to pay off the arrears at so much a month and please stick to that agreement.

You and he have both got to stop this wanting to control each other, youre in a relationship, you dont have the right to demand he do this or that and neither does he, youre adults or in an adult relationship, please stop the control or power struggles and get sensible, talk things through dont make demands either of you. Obviously that doesnt work.

Heres a little advice that could get you working together for once.
How to really listen:
You both agree who is to do the talking first, you then let that person say whatever is on their mind, fully, once the persons finished, wait one minute then the other person replies. then do same with other person letting them speak without interupting, interupting means youre not listening.

If you two can manage to do this then maybe youll stop all of this controlling or wanting to control, youre in a relationship, a partnership, and as such you should both be taking each others views and desires into account, not trying to control areas of that relationship, youre not his owner and hes not yours.

His list is totally unrealistic, and sounds as JudyKayTee has already said like someones christmas wish list, when youre in a relationship you both need to learn how to budget, together and how youre going to save for luxuries like flat screen TVs and Xboxs, you dont earn enough or have enough money coming in each week to have such a ridiculous list, tell him to give that to santa LOL.

seriously try as Ive suggested to you here, if this still doesnt stop you both trying to control each other then I dont hold out much hope for the relationship. You both need to stop the controlling. and learn how to budget. Once you do this then wonder about 2nd and 3rd bank accounts, Pay your rent first.

Yes we both work and make almost 500 a week btwn both of us (not 500 each) I have been working on the control issues on my part. We live in a house with other people so he is the type that needs people around him all the time for some reason. He enjoys going upstairs to hang out with the married couple. I had a problem with it at first because he would come home from work and not even tell me he is home and go straight upstairs without even cmng inside to say hi to me. At first I would yell and tell him to stop going up there so much but then we came to terms that he will go upstairs once in a while and try not to go upstairs when we are both off (we only see each other on Friday for the entire day so I cherish the little bit of time I have with him and I hate it when he spends it with the same people he hangs out with all week) last week he asked me if its OK if he goes up there and instead of getting mad I said "you dont need my permission to hang out with your friends, go ahead and have fun" and to my surprise he decides to hang out with me instead. So I know the talking helps but sometimes it doesn't. I want him to grow up and take charge of things like finances. On Thursday we get paid and I will be able to pay the past due rent because he worked extra hrs this week. He never minds working more than 40 hrs a week so that's a great quality so I'm guessing this is why he feels he should buy whatever he wants. And I agree with you about paying everything off first and having the extra cash to buy luxuries and that's y I did this whole acct thing but he isn't understanding it and suggest I add his name on the acct. his niece spoke to him and told him about his ways because she tells me all the time that he is controlling and she can't believe if tolerated it for so long. As you noticed I do my share of controlling but only if its effecting me. Like I am controlling when it comes to speeding, wearing a seatbelt and in general reckless driving. I told him when he is driving by himself he can do whatever he pleases but it isn't fair to me that I have to sit there almost pissing myself every time you drive. I shouldn't have to be subjected to that at all, I care about my life and he puts it in danger when he does stupid things like race other drivers. So he isn't allowed to do tha when I'm in the car. I know it sounds weird that he isn't allowed to do that but when it comes to our lives and other peoples lives out there I don't think I'm being unfair to him by demanding he practices safe driving at all times. But now since I stopped controlling him he feels as if I don't love him so now I'm confused. Does he like when I tell him what to do? He saids I am a nag but I think he likes me nagging at him lol.


OP Ive read through some of your replies in this thread, and I feel I have to say, you allowed him to be as he is the day you met him when he went through your phone, you should have said to him then thats mine and my texts are none of your business, but youre enabling him to treat you badly, and not accept responsibility. youre both being very childish. Time to grow up and act like adults or let this relationship go. its on a losing streak at this time.


So you don't believe we can make it work?


OP Ive read through some of your replies in this thread, and I feel I have to say, you allowed him to be as he is the day you met him when he went through your phone, you should have said to him then thats mine and my texts are none of your business, but youre enabling him to treat you badly, and not accept responsibility. youre both being very childish. Time to grow up and act like adults or let this relationship go. its on a losing streak at this time.


So you don't believe we can make it work? Also you said I am being childish. What am I being childish about and what can I do to change this. I want to be a better person and I always try to find new techniques to talk to him without getting out of control. Thanks for the help to everyone!


It's not your fault he is the way he is, but you have become his mother.
Stop playing games with him. He is who he is, and you will either put up with it or you will say enough and leave. You will not change this man child. He has to want to change. He has to grow up.


Yup you are right he needs to want to change. I am enabling a child lol oh god. He saids he wants to change but then again he doesn't. He is very confusing at times

OP, I agree that he shouldn't drive recklessly he's not only endangering your life but others lives to, what if he were to run someone over say a pregnant woman or a child or someone's granny, he has to be sensible , so yes I agree with you in that respect.

He should though be aware of the risks he takes without needing to be reminded. He's a very irresponsible young man and needs to come down to earth.

I do also feel that you've in a way taken over a kind of mother role in his life and example being his saying that's since you've stopped controlling him he says he feels you don't love him, in other words he wants you to be responsible for him, and that's not right he has to be responsible for himself. Its not your role its his.

So I suggest you keep up with not trying to control him, and yes let him make his own decisions like with those upstairs. He needs to know its not your job to keep everything going in this relationship, it take two, and he's got to meet you half way, and you him, try my suggestion about how to really listen if he comes out with saying he is getting mad, ignore him, or tell him OK well resume this later. That's another way he's using to get out of accepting responsibility, you're in it together, he needs to face this, and you both need to work at it together, or its headed for the relationship dumpster.

Don't involve other people do this yourself with him no one else. Hope this helps, you do seem to have the right idea, and are willing to make changes, now you need to get this across to him, and hopefully get him on same page.

Also don't use sex as a weapon, its meant to be enjoyed, not used to punish or make someone conform.

My apologies I was wrong in saying you're being childish I meant you're going to his level and enabling him to remain childish, and yes you could make this relationship work but he has got to want to change for himself, and you do the same. Don't do all the giving, he has to do his part as well.

He's a child and you're his mother.
I swear he acts like one.
He likes to be told what to do. He gets mad, but he likes it.
Personally it would drive me nuts, but it is you who has to decide if you want to deal with this, he obviously has no problem with you. But when he grows up are you going to be willing to give up the reins?
The whole bank account thing is a temper tantrum and I would not give in to that.

OP, I agree that he shouldnt drive recklessly hes not only endangering your life but others lives to, what if he were to run someone over say a pregnant woman or a child or someones granny, he has to be sensible , so yes I agree with you in that respect.

He should though be aware of the risks he takes without needing to be reminded. hes a very irresponsible young man and needs to come down to earth.

I do also feel that youve in a way taken over a kind of mother role in his life and example being his saying thats since youve stopped controlling him he says he feels you dont love him, in other words he wants you to be responsible for him, and thats not right he has to be responsible for himself. Its not your role its his.

So I suggest you keep up with not trying to control him, and yes let him make his own decisions like with those upstairs. he needs to know its not your job to keep everything going in this relationship, it take two, and hes got to meet you half way, and you him, try my suggestion about how to really listen if he comes out with saying he is getting mad, ignore him, or tell him ok well resume this later. Thats another way hes using to get out of accepting responsiblity, youre in it together, he needs to face this, and you both need to work at it together, or its headed for the relationship dumpster.

Dont involve other people do this yourself with him no one else. Hope this helps, you do seem to have the right idea, and are willing to make changes, now you need to get this across to him, and hopefully get him on same page.

Also dont use sex as a weapon, its meant to be enjoyed, not used to punish or make someone conform.

My apologies I was wrong in saying youre being childish I meant youre going to his level and enabling him to remain childish, and yes you could make this relationsghip work but he has got to want to change for himself, and you do the same. dont do all the giving, he has to do his part as well.

Thank you very much. I will try to have the bank acct conversation with him and hopefully it turns out OK but I'm pretty sure I know how its going to end. He is going to get mad and storm out of the house like always but I'm still going to try


He's a child and you're his mother.
I swear he acts like one.
He likes to be told what to do. He gets mad, but he likes it.
Personally it would drive me nuts, but it is you who has to decide if you want to deal with this, he obviously has no problem with you. But when he grows up are you going to be willing to give up the reins?
The whole bank account thing is a temper tantrum and I would not give in to that.


I am def willing to give up the reins! Lol I need a man not a child and I am thinking about making a list of all our problems and sitting down with him and talking it out (similar to how a mother treats their kids huh? Lol) I always tell him he thinks I am his mom. But one thing that changed is that he does the cooking now for both of us so slowlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy very very slowly he's changing

He is a man child. He is acting like a 20 person trying to assert his independence from his parents. You are the parent. Good luck.


i am def willing to give up the reins! lol i need a man not a child and i am thinking about making a list of all our problems and sitting down with him and talking it out (similar to how a mother treats their kids huh? lol) i always tell him he thinks i am his mom. but one thing that changed is that he does the cooking now for both of us so slowlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy very very slowly hes changing
He is slowly growing up.
You're a good one. I couldn't do it, (I've already raised a child) but then again I'm a lot older than you are and you're not much older than him.

He is a man child. he is acting like a 20 person trying to assert his independence from his parents. You are the parent. Good luck.

Thank you for the advice. It really really helped me a lot and I know I am his "mother" now its time to take action and change that or leave

thank u very much. i will try to have the bank acct conversation with him and hopefully it turns out ok but im pretty sure i know how its going to end. he is going to get mad and storm out of the house like always but im still going to try

jessickah, watch the chat talk. Just because we don't expect perfect English doesn't mean the chat talk will be tolerated. I do not want to see your thread closed or posts deleted.

I know you are probably feeling emotional and it is showing in your writing style. It is a good time to slow down and think about what you are typing. It can sometimes be a way to trigger ideas in your own mind.

Edited to fix a forgotten word: don't

No don't talk to him as if a mother, talk to him as his equal, and please do talk to each other not at each other. Start being his equal not a substitute mother. You're his partner, make it known to him you want to be treated as one in everyway. Not as a Mother.

jessickah, watch the chat talk. Just because we expect perfect English doesn't mean the chat talk will be tolerated. I do not want to see your thread closed or posts deleted.

I know you are probably feeling emotional and it is showing in your writing style. It is a good time to slow down and think about what you are typing. It can sometimes be a way to trigger ideas in your own mind.


Oh I am sorry again I am just so used to the "chat" talk. Yes I do get a bit emotional when talking about it because it makes me feel like I am no good because I "allow" him to be the way he is but in reality you can't force someone to change and this is why I am here seeking for some advice on how to deal with this :-(

Good for you for recognising that you have a problem.

However we here don't do chat or text speak.

No you cannot force someone to change you can however lead by example.

Good luck.

Also never say you're no good because that's not right you're a unique individual as as good as any other person, at least you've the good sense to spot problems, So don't put yourself down please.

Plus we all make errors in judgement the trick is recognising them...

A quote I like to go by:
There are no mistakes or failures, Only Lessons...

OP Ive read through some of your replies in this thread, and I feel I have to say, you allowed him to be as he is the day you met him when he went through your phone, you should have said to him then thats mine and my texts are none of your business, but youre enabling him to treat you badly, and not accept responsibility. youre both being very childish. Time to grow up and act like adults or let this relationship go. its on a losing streak at this time.


Hi again. He just called me and asked how to conjoin accounts. I told him I don't know and I want to have a talk about the whole bank account situation. He already knew what I was going to say and went off his yelling spree. I was able to calm him down enough to explain to him his chilidish ways and that I will no longer endulge in it so he needs to be responsible for himself. He then hangs up on me and then calls me back and infroms me that he will cancel the conjoined bank account and have his own account without me in it. I asked if that's what he really wants and he yelled some more and kept saying "i dont want to f**** talkk about you just do whatever it is you want, im done talking" he reason for not wanting me to have my own account is because he doesn't see the reason for me to have my own money because we are "one" and if there ever is an emergency he can't access my account. He was yelling so much and being himself that I hanged up and haven't picked up since. What do I do now lol?

Stick to your guns, he is being unreasonable, its perfectly OK to each have accounts and one joint, so his reasoning is not justified, Don't call him back let him sweat it out, he's got to learn he cannot have a tantrum whenever he is not getting his own way, he's acting like a 3 yr old, and you deserve equal respect, and he should be aware of this, it takes 2 to make it and 2 to break it. Or so they say, Just stick it out, and then he will have to face reality, don't give in to him, you have to stand your ground...

It might be hard to do this but do try to stick it out, he's got to learn he cannot be like this with you...

I also feel it's a sensible thing to retain some of your independence even in a relationship, there could come a time when he or one of you empties the joint account leaving the other possibly stranded, so having joint and individual accounts makes a lot of sense, and anyway its up to you. Its your life you must live it for you. You're sharing a time span, not owning each others lives. Please stick to your guns... take phone off hook or turn it off if its easier...

Im married and yet I have my own bank account, And my partner does too, we have a joint account as well. Ive always had my own account, not because I don't want to share but because of what's written above so that I have some independence. Anyone who knows about life would agree to this too. Its what sensible people usually do.

Stick to your guns, he is being unreasonable, its perfectly ok to each have accounts and one joint, so his reasoning is not justified, Dont call him back let him sweat it out, hes got to learn he cannot have a tantrum whenever he is not getting his own way, hes acting like a 3 yr old, and you deserve equal respect, and he should be aware of this, it takes 2 to make it and 2 to break it. or so they say, Just stick it out, and then he will have to face reality, dont give in to him, you have to stand your ground...

It might be hard to do this but do try to stick it out, hes got to learn he cannot be like this with you...


Thank you now I see that I actually have been mothering this man! Every time something happens I give in to his crap and I told him this before he hanged up. He saids he feels I will leave him if I have my own money but I told him it saids a lot about him because if he believes that I will leave him by having this other account then he is forcing me to stay with him by not allowing me to have an account right? I mean that's how I see it. If I wanted to leave him I would have left him months ago when he started talking to his ex but he doesn't understand that part but I will hold my ground and act like the young lady my momma raised. My mom hates it when I give in to him because my mom raised me and my sister by herself and she saids you don't need a man to tell you what to do or to take care of you. I think its about time I start living by that rule. You have all given me courage. Thank you and I hope I'm not using chat speak again

jessickah, watch the chat talk. Just because we don't expect perfect English doesn't mean the chat talk will be tolerated. I do not want to see your thread closed or posts deleted.

I know you are probably feeling emotional and it is showing in your writing style. It is a good time to slow down and think about what you are typing. It can sometimes be a way to trigger ideas in your own mind.

edited to fix a forgotten word: don't


The "talk" made things worst! Now he is really pissed and its hard for me to control my anger right now but I'm really really trying to talk without yelling and giving him the chance to blow off some steam. So now he wants to cancel the conjoined account and I have my own and he has his own which is perfectly fine with me because I never wanted the conjoined accounts to begin with. But he is being very difficult and giving me attitude and sitting there looking ugly with his "mean" face. I just feel like smacking the attitude right out of him

the "talk" made things worst! now he is really pissed and its hard for me to control my anger right now but im really really trying to talk without yelling and giving him the chance to blow off some steam. so now he wants to cancel the conjoined account and i have my own and he has his own which is perfectly fine with me because i never wanted the conjoined accounts to begin with. but he is being very difficult and giving me attitude and sitting there looking ugly with his "mean" face. i just feel like smacking the attitude right out of him

Hi Again OP, I understand that his being as he is is making you feel angry, however in becoming angry you are losing control of yourself, and that's not good for you, try to count to ten, or think of something to make you smile it will take the edge off your anger, also words said in anger could easily be regretted later, if you can remain calm, and speak slowly and concisely then you'll have more of an effect upon him, by shouting or yelling at each other it just means neither of you is really listening to the other, so all you will be doing is making a noise, but nothing you or he say is actually being heard, its just words.

It is hard at times to remain calm in some situations, perhaps you could go for a walk, by the time you return he too will have had time to think. You don't have to go far or for long just long enough to allow yourself to calm down and hopefully be able to think more rationally and then go home and see if he's willing to talk to you, if not just be civilised to him for the rest of the day, but if one of you doesn't put an end to the anger and hostility then you'll go no where fast. Try as is suggested here, and Im sure you'll not only feel better it will help clear your mind, you can get your point over without it being in an angry confrontation. So good luck and keep us all posted. Im sure you can do it.

Just remember calm is cool. Its gets through to people easier too...

I've only read the first two pages and I know what this kid's problem is.

He's immature.

Let me take a guess...

He... never lived on his own before for a while having to support himself.

You are his first serious girlfriend...

I could be wrong, but it seems to be the trend.

1. He's immature. Plain and simple. The guy doesn't know anything about finances to begin with. Yes, we all splurge once in a while... but making $2k a month, you're going to have to learn to budget... pretty darn well. And the whole, "I'm mad and I don't wanna talk to you." C'mon... seriously?

2. The controlling issue will NEVER change. Did I say NEVER? I meant, unless something happens between the two of you. I've had a few guy friends who were controlling to their girlfriends. Looking at their e-mails, checking their phones, checking their bank accounts, etc. Now, the whole "joint acct" is a WHOLE new level of control that I have yet to encounter. Joint account when you're married? Yeah, that sounds good... when you're DATING?. why? What good comes out of that..

Between my girlfriend and myself, I'm the more financially savvy one, and we discussed what would happen if I ever married someone... and I wanted three accts: one joint, two separate. She wanted everything together. But this is when you're MARRIED... what if you two break up? Then what? You guys will split it down the middle.. I doubt that this will happen amicably... someone will complain about something that someone spent, and how one should get more than the other. It's ugly between couples who have been married for DECADES... doubt that it'll be easier for couples who have been together for a few years.

I've only read the first two pages and I know what this kid's problem is.

He's immature.

Let me take a guess...

He...never lived on his own before for a while having to support himself.

You are his first serious girlfriend...

I could be wrong, but it seems to be the trend.

1. He's immature. Plain and simple. The guy doesn't know anything about finances to begin with. Yes, we all splurge once in a while...but making $2k a month, you're going to have to learn to budget...pretty darn well. And the whole, "I'm mad and I don't wanna talk to you." C'mon...seriously?

2. The controlling issue will NEVER change. Did I say NEVER? I meant, unless something happens between the two of you. I've had a few guy friends who were controlling to their girlfriends. Looking at their e-mails, checking their phones, checking their bank accounts, etc. Now, the whole "joint acct" is a WHOLE new level of control that I have yet to encounter. Joint account when you're married? Yeah, that sounds good...when you're DATING? ...why? What good comes out of that...?

Between my girlfriend and myself, I'm the more financially savvy one, and we discussed what would happen if I ever married someone...and I wanted three accts: one joint, two separate. She wanted everything together. But this is when you're MARRIED....what if you two break up? Then what? You guys will split it down the middle...? I doubt that this will happen amicably...someone will complain about something that someone spent, and how one should get more than the other. It's ugly between couples who have been married for DECADES...doubt that it'll be easier for couples who have been together for a few years.


Everything that you just said is exactly what I just said to him and he is being very childish about the whole situation. I explained to him that he has no justified reason for not wanting me to have my own account. When we 1st moved in together I wanted to kill this boy. He took the liberty in claiming all of my belongings as his own. For example my laptop that I had for 2yrs before I even met him and my iPod which he over used and burned out and that I no longer have. Even after I have asked not to over use my things he still did it and got mad at me for saying "my stuff" he has an issue when I say "this is mines" but in reality it is mines! My mom bought me a brand new dell inspirion laptop. The rule was that he will not download anything on "MY" laptop and he got mad at me for saying mines and decided to download crap. So now I only have maybe 6gb of hard drive space left and he won't erase his off it so I erased everything and told to f*** himself because he just doesn't listen. And yes you are right he has never been on his own and the only reason why we moved in together was because my mom kicked me out and he started coming over my new place and got comfortable. He was in one serious relationship and it lasted 2yrs and thts the ex I was speaking about that he kept contact with

Wow. Had this been a relationship where you didn't live together, I would have told you to break it off with him, because he's just not going to grow up. The control issue will NOT change until he sees that he's being controlling. But you letting yourself be controlled by him (not putting your foot down) technically enables him to control you more. I know guys that Started with, "I would appreciate it if you wore clothes that didn't show cleavage..." to "Where the $@#* do you think you're wearing that to?!?" to burning/tearing low cut tops.

However, since you two live together, you're going to have to find a way to either get along well, in a compromising way (meaning you get what you WANT as well, not what you can LIVE with... there's a huge difference), or go your own separate ways.

OP in your last post it would also seem he is not respecting your boundaries either.

Can you get counselling, because I think that is really what you need, it seems that the rot is setting in in your relationship, and counselling will help you both with the control issues the anger management you seem to both possibly need and also for helping him to know he's to respect your boundaries.

If you are really serious about being together then Im sure counselling will help you both.

Never settle for inferior treatment, or put up with his ways for a quiet life, he is controlling and Im sure he knows it, he has to however be willing to see this for himself, you can tell him till you're blue in the face it won't make a blind bit of difference.

Wow. Had this been a relationship where you didn't live together, I would have told you to break it off with him, because he's just not going to grow up. The control issue will NOT change until he sees that he's being controlling. But you letting yourself be controlled by him (not putting your foot down) technically enables him to control you more. I know guys that STARTED off with, "I would appreciate it if you wore clothes that didn't show cleavage..." to "Where the $@#* do you think you're wearing that to?!?" to burning/tearing low cut tops.

However, since you two live together, you're going to have to find a way to either get along well, in a compromising way (meaning you get what you WANT as well, not what you can LIVE with...there's a huge difference), or go your own separate ways.



Yes living together really makes it difficult to decide if you want to leave or stay and to be honest if we didn't live together we would have never made it to 3yrs and 4months. I know I am not perfect. We all have our flaws but he has greater issues than I ever had, have or will ever have lol. I can't go out unless I am with him or go over a friends house unless he comes because he needs to be there to protect me and I love him for wanting to protect me but you aren't my father and you can't watch me 24/7 . Do you want to know something funny? At our 1st year being together he would always try to force to stay on the phone with him while I was in school. He said he just likes knowing that I'm OK and likes to hear me breath and it makes him feel like I'm with him. And at 1st thtas what it was until he started obsessing about always having me on the phone. All he wanted to do was be a nosey idiot and ask me a whole bunch of retarted questions about what me and my friends talked about and anytime he heard a guy in the back ground he will start yelling in my ear (I wore an earpiece) asking who that guy is and why am I talking to him as if I can't have male friends. I told him I will not have him on the phone ever unless we are actually speaking.

OP in your last post it would also seem he is not respecting your boundaries either.

Can you get counselling, because I think that is really what you need, it seems that the rot is setting in in your relationship, and counselling will help you both with the control issues the anger management you seem to both possibly need and also for helping him to know hes to respect your boundaries.

If you are really serious about being together then Im sure counselling will help you both.

Never settle for inferior treatment, or put up with his ways for a quiet life, he is controlling and Im sure he knows it, he has to however be willing to see this for himself, you can tell him till youre blue in the face it wont make a blind bit of difference.


He knows he is controlling. He saids it all the time and his reason for it is "i don't want to loose you" he's crazy I tell you. He won't listen to anyone. Everyone who knows him always saids that he seems irresponsible and controlling. He needs to be correct about everything. We argue about the most stupidest things. Last night he said he wants a motorcycle and I said I don't think it's a good idea because he will be driving fast and he saids that the motorcycles are built for people who want to go fast. He's so stupid. So what you are going to speed down a 25mph lane just because you are on a motorcycle? Sounds stupid. You still have to follow the law

This gets worse by the post, I think I have to tell you this relationship isn't going anywhere, he is controlling you more than I realised, I think you should consider moving out, and ending this relationship, whatever you do don't marry him, you could end up a battered wife, tell me he hasn't ever hit you?

Has he??

This gets worse by the post, I think I have to tell you this relationship isnt going anywhere, he is controlling you more than I realised, I think you should consider moving out, and ending this relationship, whatever you do dont marry him, you could end up a battered wife, tell me he hasnt ever hit you??

Has he???


Oh no he has never ever hit me. He is very much against that and once he beat up a guy in the train station for hitting a girl. He only yells and storms off. He doesn't like to see me cry and if I get hurt he runs to my aid. This is one of the reasons I love him. I feel safe with him but then again one might never ever know. There are many married couples that end up beaten after years and years and years of being with someone. And I will never tolerate a man putting his hands on me. I'll kill him 1st before he even thinks about hitting me! My stepdad hit my mom once and I hit him with a frying pan and I was only 10

... I'm protective over my girlfriend, but... I don't need to watch her/be with her 24/7 to be protective over her. I'll make sure she's in a safe place... if she's walking back from somewhere, I'll offer to pick her up or walk back together. If she's going out and won't be home until late, I ask her to text or call me when she gets back so I can make sure that she got back OK... and when I question her, I simply ask, "How was that party," or "did you have fun?" That's it. If she chooses to tell me a story, great. If not, that's fine.

She has her life, and I have mine.

That's OK then but if he does ever raise a hand to you, you whack him with anything close to hand and then leave him right then and there. Joke, but seriously don't tolerate physical violence.


You are however I feel in an abusive or toxic relationship, click link in my signature below to find out more if you're interested, abuse isn't just hitting someone, emotional and verbal abuse can be more damaging.

I read this whole thing, and you kids have a lot of growing up to do and need to establish some rules and boundaries of acceptable behavior. Half the problem as I see it is the way you communicate as you both are a bit hardheaded and emotional, in an amusing way so its understandable that you can overwhelm each other with feelings sometimes.

This started being about joint accounts, but everything under the sun has come out as a point of contention. So where is the real problem? You got together young, have grown use to each other, and only recently your learning the irritating truth about each other. Very typical of young people finding there way through reality. To bad your both too stubborn, and hard headed, and emotional, to make adjustments that work for you in a peaceful way, but I doubt that either of you will drop the drama as it seems that's the way you react to each other.

Probably why talking, and listening, doesn't seem to work very well, and its only through the emotional explosions that you both understands one another. You're both alike, even though you have a practical side, thank gosh for that. Your youth and the way you cope with your own individual feelings are getting in the way of how you deal with each other because its not okay to control another, and its not okay to push the others buttons for any reason. That has to be replaced by you both with honest calm COMMUNICATIONS. I don't want to hear how you try but he won't listen, that's no excuse, you are as guilty as he is by allowing him to rant and rave like a kid and not having CONSEQUENCES.

So the real issue facing you is you live together out of convenience, and necessity, but you have added sex, gotten attached but neither of you have a commitment to where you want to go, and how to get there. You don't know what you're working for. You are but reacting to the actions of each other, but have no plan other than maintain a status quo, with no working together through honest COMMUNICATIONS, just a lot of stirred up feelings, and building resentment.

You better sit down and talk, and unless there are real consequences for over the top behavior, and a real plan, with real goals, this circle of reacting without adjusting will continue. After 3 years together, come on, you have to stop being kids, and controlling each other and start working together for a common goal. Give its some thought, and make a plan. You both need to know when to just shut up, back up, and do some thinking, since you seem to have the acting out down rather well.

To answer your original question about the bank accounts, NO WAY do young unmarried partners have a need for joint accounts. Pay your share of expenses, but manage your own money. And both of you act like adults. Both of you define what the heck you're doing living together.

Have to spread some rep tal, but you are so right!!

I read this whole thing, and you kids have a lot of growing up to do and need to establish some rules and boundaries of acceptable behavior. Half the problem as I see it is the way you communicate as you both are a bit hardheaded and emotional, in an amusing way so its understandable that you can overwhelm each other with feelings sometimes.

This started out being about joint accounts, but everything under the sun has come out as a point of contention. So where is the real problem?? You got together young, have grown use to each other, and only recently your learning the irritating truth about each other. Very typical of young people finding there way thru reality. To bad your both too stubborn, and hard headed, and emotional, to make adjustments that work for you in a peaceful way, but I doubt that either of you will drop the drama as it seems thats the way you react to each other.

Probably why talking, and listening, doesn't seem to work very well, and its only thru the emotional explosions that you both understands one another. You're both alike, even though you have a practical side, thank gosh for that. Your youth and the way you cope with your own individual feelings are getting in the way of how you deal with each other because its not okay to control another, and its not okay to push the others buttons for any reason. That has to be replaced by you both with honest calm COMMUNICATIONS. I don't want to hear how you try but he won't listen, thats no excuse, you are as guilty as he is by allowing him to rant and rave like a kid and not having CONSEQUENCES.

So the real issue facing you is you live together out of convenience, and necessity, but you have added sex, gotten attached but neither of you have a commitment to where you want to go, and how to get there. You don't know what you're working for. You are but reacting to the actions of each other, but have no plan other than maintain a status quo, with no working together thru honest COMMUNICATIONS, just a lot of stirred up feelings, and building resentment.

You better sit down and talk, and unless their are real consequences for over the top behavior, and a real plan, with real goals, this circle of reacting without adjusting will continue. After 3 years together, come on, you have to stop being kids, and controlling each other and start working together for a common goal. Give its some thought, and make a plan. You both need to know when to just shut up, back up, and do some thinking, since you seem to have the acting out down rather well.

To answer your original question about the bank accounts, NO WAY do young unmarried partners have a need for joint accounts. Pay your share of expenses, but manage your own money. And both of you act like adults. Both of you define what the heck you're doing living together.


Wow. Great advice and thank you. I actually do have plans for myself. I start school next week for my nursing (I am ultra excited) he had a little problem with it because he wants to start school as well. OK so I've been waiting for him to get up off his butt for a year and he still hasn't started school. His reason for one of us attending school at a time is because he feels we won't see each other as much and one of us won't work as much as we should because school is in the way. I sat him down and explained to him that I am 24yrs old and don't even have an associates degree (how sad is that?) I did however finish my HHa, CNA and medical assistant courses even though he had a problem with it. Now my main goal right now is to finish my nursing and work as a nurse, save up money and start working on building a family.he isn't ready for that so I explaind to him that I don't want to wait until I'm 40 to actually start getting my life together. I know its my fault that I am going through all of this because its obvious we both want different things so its up to me to leave or stay but like I said I have hope that he will one day open his eyes and start gettig to work. He has no goals at this time. I told him that I will stay with him but if I finish my nursing course and start working and save up enough money I can't be with him if he isn't either in school, gotten a better job or already working after he has finished school (he wants to be a computer tech and he is so smart with so much potential bt doesn't know how to use it)

Back to the joint accounts. I tried to speak to him yesterday about when we got home and he kept brushing me off so instead of yelling and getting mad I said "ok we dont need to tAlk now but i do want to talk about it later please" he said no and I said OK and went to sleep. He was sort of shocked lol because he saids I always yell (which is true) but like I said its something I've been working on for a couple of months and our communication is a tad better. He informed me this morning that he will cancel the joint account and we both just have our own and just split the bills. I said that sounds good to me if that's what you want to do. Then he gotmad and said "you see you just dont want to be with me!" and I just sat there without saying anthing and let him ramble about me not caring and taking one step backwards in our relationship. By us not hving joint account is the only way I know of to make him gain responsibilities. I feel I am doing the right thing and all of the advice you guys have give me has helped out so much. Thank you so much

...I'm protective over my girlfriend, but...I don't need to watch her/be with her 24/7 to be protective over her. I'll make sure she's in a safe place...if she's walking back from somewhere, I'll offer to pick her up or walk back together. If she's going out and won't be home til late, I ask her to text or call me when she gets back so I can make sure that she got back ok...and when I question her, I simply ask, "How was that party," or "did you have fun?" That's it. If she chooses to tell me a story, great. If not, that's fine.

She has her life, and I have mine.


I totally agree. I am trying to make him see that but he just see's it as I just want to do whatever I want and he keeps thinking I have to ask permission or something? We live in a different state now then we did when we met so my mom lives in the other state. (2hour away drivng) he works on Saturday and Sunday and I want to attend my cousins baby shower. I told him where it was taking place at and the time and he said well we can't make it because I have to work so I said "i was thinking maybe i can go on the bus" and he wnt off on me about me always wanting to do things without him. Its funny he would say that because we never ever go out together. He never takes me out or show any romantic gestures. It isn't fair for him to try to incage me as if I am a bird. He thinks if I leave the "cage" I will fly away and never come back. If he wants to go over his friends house I tell him plenty of times he has traveled to the other state without me with his friends. He did ask for me to come but I said no go and enjoy yourself. I'm not trying to make myself seem like I am innocent and don't have my flaws, I just wanted to get that out in the open lol. No one is perfect and I know I am not perfect but I try guys I really really do.

Thats OK then but if he does ever raise a hand to you, you whack him with anything close to hand and then leave him right then and there. joke, but seriously dont tolerate physical violence.


You are however I feel in an abusive or toxic relationship, click link in my signature below to find out more if youre interested, abuse isnt just hitting someone, emotional and verbal abuse can be more damaging.


I am reading the link you have provided for me and I see us in it lol. We really have a problem and I will bring it all to his attention

Thats OK then but if he does ever raise a hand to you, you whack him with anything close to hand and then leave him right then and there. joke, but seriously dont tolerate physical violence.


You are however I feel in an abusive or toxic relationship, click link in my signature below to find out more if youre interested, abuse isnt just hitting someone, emotional and verbal abuse can be more damaging.

Hello everyone. I know I am annoying lol. I made a list of topics id like to cover with my boyfriend and I am planning on repeating this to him word for word and id just like to throw it out there for you guys to review and to correct me if I am saying anything unappropriate or that might sound mean. Thank you

things to work on

1. controlling each other! This is our number one issue. You are you and I am me. We are 2 individuals sharing our life together but that does not mean we are ONE person. We are no longer allowed to tell each other what to do under any circumstances unless it is endangering our lives or somebody else's.
-as of today you are free to do whatever you want. All I ask is that you respect me and respect what I might want to do.
- I don't want you talking to your ex because it makes me feel bad and to me it's a form of cheating but I can't stop you from talking to who you want so if talking to your exes make you happy then I will not interfere but just know that there are consequences to all actions you take and the consequence for talking to your ex will be me leaving, treating you badly, or me talking my exes.
- richie asked you to go to trinidad with hm in December and you said you can't go without me but that's not true. I have no business in trinidad and I am not interested in going over there so if you want to go then you can go without having a consequence attached to it. My trust for you is still a little shakey but I have to get over it and move on
- now that we aren't going to be sharing an account we are each responsible for our own money and paying our bills. Whatever money we have left over is ours to do whatever we want with it without consulting one another. You are allowed to buy whatever you want because you worked hard for it. I am in no place to decide how you spend your money and neither are you.
- how you dress is none of my business. You wear what you want whether its dirty or not I won't say anything about how you dress anymore expecting that you do the same. We shold be allowed to dress however we want. I know you hate it when I wear revealing clothes but you met me wearing those types of clothes so you can't tell me I can't wear them or that I can only wear them when we are together.
-you want a Facebook, myspace, aim or whatever then you go ahead. You give me your password only IF YOU WANT. Who you talk to is none of my business unless you want to tell me.
-i know you like to run errands for others so I will no longer object to you doing whatever you want with the car because in reality the car is YOURS. Your mom bought it for you and she pays the insurance so I have no say in what you do with it. When I buy a car then I have the right to tell you that you can't run errands in it for other people.
-i won't tell you anything about your driving and refusing to wear a seatbelt orsmoking cigarettes unless I am in the car. I understand that you drive how you want and wearing a seatbelt makes you feel uncomfortable but all I ask is that you don't speed with me in the car or smoke cigarettes. I only ask this because I feel its unfair to put somebody through that. When you speed and cut people off it scares me and then I'm feeling uncomfortable and it makes it hard for me to actually enjoy being in the car with you. I will no longer remind you that you are a danger to others when you speed and cut people off or that by not wearing a seatbelt you can fly right through the window. This is the last time I will say this
-when we are having a fight I will try not to yell and say things that will make it worst. I acknowledge that I push your buttons while arguing by calling you names and being a . I do those things because I am mad and you always storm off and never want to stick around to finish and I recongnize that my actions have consequences as well. I would like it that when we are disagreeing that you don't brush me off like you usually do just because you are mad unless you promise to talk about it later. I will no longer cut you off when you are speaking unless you ask me to expecting you do the same

Also do I have to tell him about my past? He is mad at me because I won't discuss my past sex life. I feel that's none of anyone's business and also because he will hear something he isn't ready to hear and lookk at me differently and usually not trust me because of my past. He keeps trying to force it out of me but I keep telling him I don't feel comfortable talking about my promesquise past because I am ashamed of who I was but he is still being persistent

Also I don't ask him anything about his past. I'm not interested and I don't care

You don't have to tell him squat unless you have herpes or something.
You're a good one cause his behind would have been out of the picture.
Why are you with and putting up with this child?

You don't have to tell him squat unless you have herpes or something.
You're a good one cause his behind would have been out of the picture.
Why are you with and putting up with this child?


I have been asking myself the same question for 2yrs lol. He does have his good qualities and he isn't bad all the time. I really love him and I know he loves me. But he has noticed how I am around him now and he knows I'm ready to leave soon. Its just soooo hard whne you are living with someone although that's not an excuse but I have no where to go and we have NOTHING saved up. We live check to check and I'm tired of it and that's another reason why I want my own account

Seems fair. As far as the ghost of sexual past...

It ranges from different couples. Some couples share stories, while others don't. Usually, though, no guy ever likes to hear about their partner's sexual past, no matter how low the number was.

For me, my reputation before I met my girlfriend was one... not too kosher.

My girlfriend and I decided that neither one of us cares about each others' past, as we liked one another for who were at that exact moment, thus, we don't discuss it.

If you don't feel like telling him, then don't. That's your own private business. Simply tell him that you feel it's too personal, that you've made a few mistakes, and you would rather not talk about it.

At this point, however, I expect his response to be something like this:

1. How can it be personal? You're my girlfriend. There should be nothing personal between us and you shouldn't hide anything from me. If you hide something, then that means that whatever you did is bad.

2. What mistakes? What, you hooked up with so and so? You slept around, didn't you?

... which is a pretty immature response, and it's more immature to ask a question you KNOW you don't want the answer to.

You don't have to tell him squat unless you have herpes or something.
You're a good one cause his behind would have been out of the picture.
Why are you with and putting up with this child?


I agree. I'm a GUY and I'm telling you drop this kid.

Girl you me need to bite the bullet.
Send him home to his mama and you get someplace you can afford.
This relationship is dysfunctional, it has run it's course, you're making excuses YOU don't even buy at this point.
It's time for you to grow up too.
Leave this bozo alone and start taking care of yourself by yourself

Seems fair. As far as the ghost of sexual past...

It ranges from different couples. Some couples share stories, while others don't. Usually, though, no guy ever likes to hear about their partner's sexual past, no matter how low the number was.

For me, my reputation before I met my girlfriend was one...not too kosher.

My girlfriend and I decided that neither one of us cares about each others' past, as we liked one another for who were at that exact moment, thus, we don't discuss it.

If you don't feel like telling him, then don't. That's your own private business. Simply tell him that you feel it's too personal, that you've made a few mistakes, and you would rather not talk about it.

At this point, however, I expect his response to be something like this:

1. How can it be personal? You're my girlfriend. There should be nothing personal between us and you shouldn't hide anything from me. If you hide something, then that means that whatever you did is bad.

2. What mistakes? What, you hooked up with so and so? You slept around, didn't you?

...which is a pretty immature response, and it's more immature to ask a question you KNOW you don't want the answer to.


Hhahahahahaha those are his exact words! Do you know him or something? Lol . He took it upon himself to talk about his past sexual experiences and I got very upset and stormed off. I am going to have the talk with him that I posted up earlier and "pick his brain" a bit and give him some time just to see how he handles the new change and if nothing changes then I know what I have to d

Hey, the more patient you are, more power to you. Honestly, I think you've been MORE than patient with this guy, but whatever floats your boat.

I'm not saying that you should ditch a relationship whenever it gets hard... however, there are just some issues that a couple can work through, and there are others that you just can't.

The above mentioned case, is not uncommon. If you Google "controlling boyfriend," I'm pretty darn sure that there are PLENTY of other stories just like yours. The problem is, the guys RARELY change.

A controlling boyfriend turns into a controlling husband. If you put up with it before it does not get better and you shouldn't complain.
You are just getting started in life, don't start giving into stuff you don't have to give in to. That habit will be hard to break.
It's time for you to grow up as well.

A controlling boyfriend turns into a controlling husband. If you put up with it before it does not get better and you shouldn't complain.
You are just getting started in life, don't start giving into stuff you don't have to give in to. That habit will be hard to break.
It's time for you to grow up as well.


Yes you are right it is time for me to grow up and put him in his place. I have allowed this to keep happening and like I said if the talk I plan to have with him does not change anything then I need out. I've been reading about people like me who allow men to do what they want with them and its really sad because you don't notice it until someone points it out to you. I thought I was being a good person by taking care of him but I just made things worst

You have enabled his childish behavior and you are not even happy.
What does that tell you?
Being a good person does not mean you put up with bad behavior, that you let someone have their way with you.

hello everyone. i know i am annoying lol. i made a list of topics id like to cover with my boyfriend and i am planning on repeating this to him word for word and id just like to throw it out there for you guys to review and to correct me if i am saying anything unappropriate or that might sound mean. thank you

things to work on

1. controlling eachother! this is our number one issue. you are you and i am me. we are 2 individuals sharing our life together but that does not mean we are ONE person. we are no longer allowed to tell eachother what to do under any circumstances unless it is endangering our lives or somebody elses.
-as of today you are free to do whatever you want. all i ask is that you respect me and respect what i might want to do.
- i dont want you talking to your ex because it makes me feel bad and to me its a form of cheating but i can't stop you from talking to who you want so if talking to your exes make you happy then i will not interfere but just know that there are consequences to all actions you take and the consequence for talking to your ex will be me leaving, treating you badly, or me talking my exes.
- richie asked you to go to trinidad with hm in december and you said you can't go without me but thats not true. i have no buisness in trinidad and i am not interested in going over there so if you want to go then you can go without having a consequence attached to it. my trust for u is still a little shakey but i have to get over it and move on
- now that we arent going to be sharing an account we are each responsible for our own money and paying our bills. whatever money we have left over is ours to do whatever we want with it without consulting one another. you are allowed to buy whatever you want because you worked hard for it. i am in no place to decide how you spend your money and neither are you.
- how you dress is none of my buisness. you wear what you want whether its dirty or not i won't say anything about how you dress anymore expecting that you do the same. we shold be allowed to dress however we want. i kno you hate it when i wear revealing clothes but you met me wearing those types of clothes so you can't tell me i can't wear them or that i can only wear them when we are together.
-you want a facebook, myspace, aim or whatever then you go ahead. you give me your password only IF YOU WANT. who you talk to is none of my buisness unless you want to tell me.
-i know you like to run errands for others so i will no longer object to you doing whatever you want with the car because in reality the car is YOURS. your mom bought it for you and she pays the insurance so i have no say in what you do with it. when i buy a car then i have the right to tell you that you can't run errands in it for other people.
-i wont tell you anything about your driving and refusing to wear a seatbelt orsmoking cigarettes unless i am in the car. i understand that you drive how you want and wearing a seatbelt makes you feel uncomfortable but all i ask is that you dont speed with me in the car or smoke cigarettes. i only ask this because i feel its unfair to put somebody thru that. when you speed and cut people off it scares me and then im feeling uncomfortable and it makes it hard for me to actually enjoy being in the car with you. i will no longer remind you that you are a danger to others when you speed and cut people off or that by not wearing a seatbelt you can fly right thru the window. this is the last time i will say this
-when we are having a fight i will try not to yell and say things that will make it worst. i acknowledge that i push your buttons while arguing by calling you names and being a . i do those things becuse i am mad and you always storm off and never want to stick around to finish and i recongnize that my actions have consequences as well. i would like it that when we are disagreeing that you don't brush me off like you usually do just because you are mad unless you promise to talk about it later. i will no longer cut you off when you are speaking unless you ask me to expecting you do the same

Seems OK to me and I wish you luck with it.
About your past, that's up to you if he's not making waves over it, then leave well alone, sometimes we can give TMI, and others not enough.

Its your past you have every right to keep it to yourself.
So does he.

This is after all about the future, yours and his, together.

So if he refuses to meet you half way over these issues, what is your game plan, will you tell him that you'll leave, or something. Because whatever you tell him you intend to do, you know for any real effect you must carry it through.

If you don't he won't take any thing you say you'll do as serious.

One suggestion with the above, it still seems a little as if you're ordering him, perhaps you could word it to seem like you're asking him, such as : if we go out together in your/the car could you please remember I am not at ease with speeding, so can you drive a little slower.

Anyway good luck...

Also saying unless you promise to later blah blah, that's an ultimatum, those are best avoided. IMO
Also promises are mostly made to be broken, so try to avoid making them to avoid breaking them and hurting others feelings.

I would have maybe been more inclined to just tell him, you are you and I am I, I no longer wish to try to control you, and I ask you try to please stop trying to control myself in return, this is not an ownership we have it's a partnership, can you accept this and be willing to work with me?

Whatever you want to get over to him, you will have to introduce those changes slowly, one day at a time.

Don't worry about what he does you can lead by example...

Remember you cannot change anyone only yourself, and same with him. I would concentrate on making your changes, and if he sees you do this then he might just decide to change himself.

OK I re-worded certain parts that sounded like demands and I have called him and askd him to make a list of likes and dislikes in our relationship. He doesn't see the reason for it though and I told him he doesn't have to do it but I have made a list and I wouldlike to have a serious talk. He agreed on either tonight or tomorrow morning. And I am not expecting him to change in one day I know its going to be a while but the most important thing I want to change is how we communicate and the controlling issues because it seems like the communication and controlling is branching out to several problems and I never knew that until now. I always told myself "there is no point in counseling, we dont have a problem, we just arent meant to be" but in reality I feel like a different person now. I feel like I can rationally talk to anyone! I keep reading the website you referred and its really helping. I can't thank you enough

Im so pleased you're making use of the website, and it makes me happy knowing its helping you. I created it myself, in the hope of being able to help other couples such as yourself.

You're doing good, when you and the b/f get together try to put the how to listen exercise in place, so many couples fail to really listen to one another, and that means they get know where.

There are step by step self help exercises on that site too, plus hundreds of files you are free to make copies of too.

I wish you lots of luck and that you and the b/f are able to make some headway together, don't forget though only you can change yourself, no one else. Ill be thinking of you both.

Go for it..
Marianne aka pp.

Going offline line now Ill be back later.

Hi Op, I see you haven't been back here.

Have you had the talk with the b/f, Did it go well?

Do keep us informed we are aiming to help you.

Hi Op, I see you havent been back here.

Have you had the talk with the b/f,? did it go well?

Do keep us informed we are aiming to help you.



I have been asking him to lets talk and he keeps brushing me off. Now he is at work and took it upon himself to read my "talk" list without even asking me!! And now he is mad because I told him not to read it. I want to be the one the discusses it because I need to go into details what I wrote on it and he is STILL READING MY LIST even after I told him not to and he isn't acknowldging that we have a problem. All he is saying is that he knows he doesn't clean or wash dishes and that its my fault that we argue because I have a problem with every little thing he does! Who wouldn't have a problem with reckless driving, peeing on toilet seat and not cleaning it, not cleaning after yourself in the bathroom or having bad breath! Oh my god I can 't compose myself any longer and I think its just best I get the hell out of here before I kill this man

Yep. Time to leave.

yep. time to leave.


We are now talking civilized now. He is listening and compromising about certain things. But he did say that he will not change the fact that he is protective of me and he feels as a couple we should do things together all the time so I said we should go to counseling and maybe that will help him understand that that's not how it should be. I won't be controlled and it stops now. We are going to try this being free thing and see how we like it and then decide if it can be fixed or just give up. We actually never talked like how we are talking now and he seems to be taking it rather well (probably because I'm not yelling anymore) but I'm praying for the best right now. He isn't understanding the bank account situation. He saids what's the difference if uyou put my name on it or not? But he isn't being clear about why I shouldn't have my own account.

we are now talking civilized now. he is listening and compromising about certain things. but he did say that he will not change the fact that he is protective of me and he feels as a couple we should do things together all the time so i said we should go to counseling and maybe that will help him understand that thats not how it should be. i won't be controlled and it stops now. we are going to try this being free thing and see how we like it and then decide if it can be fixed or just give up. we actually never talked like how we are talking now and he seems to be taking it rather well (probably because im not yelling anymore) but im praying for the best right now. he isnt understanding the bank account situation. he saids whats the difference if uyou put my name on it or not? but he isnt being clear about why i shouldnt have my own account.

Hi again, as much as I am inclined to agree with others here, I can also see that you really do want to make a go of this relationship, so if I can help you with this aim, I will.

You did good telling him you won't be controlled Im the same, I won't be controlled either and why should anyone accept that for a way of life, its not natural and it will also unbalance an already unbalanced relationship, and you also did good suggesting counselling.

Your b/f seems to be coming around slowly, which is a good sign too.

As for the bank accounts just open your own.

By having joint account though he's not protecting you, he possibly wants to control you more like it. However you're aware of this so that's good.

You could continue how you are and see how that goes, I do though feel that there's going to come a time when you will need to decide is this all worth it. But only you can make that decision and hopefully you'll know when that time as arrived.

For now though all you can do is keep persevering.

Ask him what the difference will be when his name is on it? What are the pros and cons?

I remember reading an article about "how to control man/woman"...

1. Finances
2. Transportation
3. Friends/Acquaintances

Those three things, and you've been controlled. Want to go out somewhere, get something to eat? Need money and transportation. Want to go on a girls' night out? Need money and friends. Want to just go over a friend's house to hang out/get out of the house? Need transportation and friends.

As far as the bank accounts... come to some sort of a compromise. If he wants a joint account, perhaps you guys can have three different accounts. One joint, and two separate for each of you. Then each of you can put in a certain percentage amount into the joint to cover household expenses, and in each of your separate checking accounts, you guys can squirrel away some extra cash for a rainy day.

You see, with these three things controlled, the person is controlled pretty much on a daily basis.

I remember reading an article about "how to control man/woman"...

1. Finances
2. Transportation
3. Friends/Acquaintances

Those three things, and you've been controlled. Wanna go out somewhere, get something to eat? Need money and transportation. Wanna go on a girls' night out? Need money and friends. Wanna just go over a friend's house to hang out/get out of the house? Need transportation and friends.

As far as the bank accounts...come to some sort of a compromise. If he wants a joint account, perhaps you guys can have three different accounts. One joint, and two separate for each of you. Then each of you can put in a certain percentage amount into the joint to cover household expenses, and in each of your separate checking accounts, you guys can squirrel away some extra cash for a rainy day.

You see, with these three things controlled, the person is controlled pretty much on a daily basis.


That's the same thing I explained to him. Itl him no one iscancelling the joint account. All of our money is going into it all I am doing is adding my own account to it. But he still doesn't see the point and I don't see the point in having 3 joint accounts. Its ludacris. So we agreed to disagree on the account things. I told him I'm not backing down so he either deals with it or not. We spoke about all of our problems and we did resolve a lot of loose ends. Today I was woken up with kisses lol (which he does all the time) but he had m coffee ready even though it made hm late for work. Today when he comes home he promised to help me clean. I only want him to clean you his mess. H took apart a whol bunch of computers and left them scattered aaround the house and we agreed that if it isn't cleaned I will throw them in the garbage and he knows I'm good for it lol. He started his school process and has an appointment sometme next week to take his admissions test. I have my finger crossed that all goes well. For his 21 birthday we will go out clubbing or something which I love to do but he hates btut he said he will do that for me. Good promises so far. I'm just hoping they work.

Good to hear that progress is being made.

I suggest you take this time to come to a compromise, but also be careful on what you ask for. If he gives up a lot of things (especially doing something he dislikes on his birthday), he may resent you for it later on.

Are there certain things that he wants YOU to sacrifice?

Hello everyone. Everything is going OK so far. He is still upset about the accounts but he doesn't talk about it so I just leave it alone to give him time to get used to it. I transfer my side money to my account and I'm happy and he is buying all these things and I don care because I got peace in mind knowing it isn't cmng from my money lol. I tried telling him that it's a bit unfair when he wants to buy things and spends all the money because I make half of it so shouldn't I decide how I want to spend it? That's my main reason for the whole individual account thing. But so far so good.I tell him what to clean and he does it lol. He likes me being in control I guess. As long as he does what has to get done then I can't complain lol

You still have a problem, and money issues. That is not going to go away. You're going to have to deal with some time or another.
Why are you letting him just spend money on "stuff" when half of the money is yours? Are you guys getting your bills paid?
I just hope you don't bury your head in the sand as long as you think things are going OK.

hello everyone. everything is going ok so far. he is still upset about the accounts but he doesnt talk about it so i just leave it alone to give him time to get used to it. i transfer my side money to my account and im happy and he is buying all these things and i don care because i got peace in mind knowing it isnt cmng from my money lol. i tried telling him that its a bit unfair when he wants to buy things and spends all the money because i make half of it so shouldnt i decide how i want to spend it? thats my main reason for the whole individual account thing. but so far so good.i tell him what to clean and he does it lol. he likes me being in control i guess. as long as he does what has to get done then i can't complain lol

Hi again, don't let him spend your rent money, that has got to be paid without fail, no rent paid no home to live in, do you want to live rough on the streets? Living from hand to mouth,NO, so be sure to keep that money aside as your no:1 priority.

I still feel you need to be careful, you did say you wouldn't control him, but it seems you are naughty girl LOL, but watch he doesn't turn on you when you least expect it.

Keep us updated please, I worry about him turning on you.

A dear friend of mine has a husband who would drive a Corvette and live in a barn. She had enough and so this is what she did - every month she adds up all the household bills (everything, including food). She then presents him with the bill, with his percentage figure out for him. She makes 60% of the income, he makes 40% so he is responsible for giving her 40%, which she combines with her 60% and then she pays the bills. I have no idea how she enforces this but she has peace of mind, he has peace of mind and it works for them.

I think it's a business arrangement but, again, it works. I have no idea what she would do if he failed to pay.

Speaking from experience, keep your bank accounts separate. I moved out with my boyfriend, after we graduated from high school, and we moved into a rental house together. We opened a joint bank account and closed our individual accounts. Towards the end of our 6 year relationship, rent checks started bouncing, my car payment started bouncing, come to find out he was withdrawing money without telling me, to buy drugs. I NEVER KNEW! I also cosigned on several credit cards for him, and guess what happened? After we split up, I moved back home and he claimed bankruptcy, I was getting the phone calls from collectors! I was forced into bankruptcy.

Don't do it! If your boyfriend doesn't understand why, then maybe you need to find someone who will understand and respect your wishes.

Please consider tax issues... If he gets in trouble with taxing authorities, any money in any account with his name on it is fair game for them to levy against. Even married couples should probably have a separate account with some emergency money in it, (with statements coming to the home that either spouse can look at) just because you never know what can go wrong at the bank with the joint account.

With joint accounts, an audit of either of your tax returns could draw the other into the audit.

Are you living in a state where common law marriage is recognized? By living together, and comingling funds, you may have created a common law marriage with him. It is worth checking into.

The control issues are the more serious issue though than the legal and financial issues. Him screaming to try and force his way is not a healthy way of dealing with things.

Does anyone ever accuse him of "not being rational" about things?

It's not just taxes - funds in joint names can be seized for the debt of the other party.

Hi OP, please take note of the above 2 posts. Be prepared for any outcome, and especially any that will effect your financial security and credit rating.

So whilst you may think it OK for him to do as he pleases with his money, you're in this together, and that could prove detrimental for you.

You've both still got financial responsibilities and agreements to abide by.

The financial risks and the control issue should cause a close evaluation of the relationship.
Give this entire matter a lot of thought.

I agree martinizing2 This whole relationship is not ideal.

Threads merged


Hello I have been living with my boyfriend for over 3 years and we rent 2 bedrooms and a bathroom. We sleep in the big room an there is a small room at the end of the hall with our closets for our clothes and other junk.

For 2 years his friend has been coming over. His friend lives on campus and maybe once a month and on all holidays he comes over and spends his vacation at our room. I do not like people coming over my house. I like being myself and enjoy my privacy and I can't do that if people are over the house. My boyfriend works and pays rent as well as I do so I can't really tell him anything but I'm fed up now.

The friend has recently started coming over with his girlfriend and for some reason she has been using an entire roll of toilet tissue in one day! So far no one has told her anything but apparently I am mean and do not know how to talk to people, but I will be saying something next time she comes. I actually don't want her coming over at all.

She sits and lays on my bed because she sees her boyfriend do it but I don't want to be mean. How do I get these people NOT to come over? Or am I just being ridiculous? I don't mind company, I just don't want them sleeping over having sex on my couch that I occasionally sit on! Also I don't have the funds to supply toilet tissue for people and food. The friend buys his own food but sometimes she is hungry an my boyfriend loves to offer. Helppp

Not sure why this is posted in the marriage section...

But anyway, this is something you and your boyfriend should discuss and work something out together on. If it's both of you working and paying rent then you absolutely do have a say in this and not only can you say something to him, you should. I guess I can see his friend coming and staying during the holidays, if he lives someplace where the campus is closed and residents can't stay on there for that time and he has no where to go. But only if you and your boyfriend can work out some house rules beforehand that you are comfortable with. I don't see why he should need to stay with you guys once a month at all. If he's staying that frequently I'd ask him to either leave or start chipping in for utility and paying rent for his time there. Especially if his girlfriend is over too.

If I were in your shoes, I would first speak to your boyfriend. See if you two can reach a compromise and have him speak with his friend. If that doesn't work, I would speak to the friend alone, and leave the girlfriend out of it for now. Make it clear what your house rules and expectations are and how long he is welcome there and when. Address the issues you ave with his girlfriend being around too.

It wouldn't be mean to expect your guests to behave like good guests, and that's something your boyfriend should be told about. Or maybe you nicely ask them to bring their own toilet paper, and keep their butts of your bed. Talk about it.

Your boyfriend pays rent but so do you. This is your place too so you have every right to say something.
It is rude of them to have sex on your couch and her to sit on your bed. She has no business in your room.
This is not proper guest etiquette and because they are there so often, they are no longer guest. This is no way for anyone to behave in someone's place.

This thread is 6 months old. Positive Parent is no longer posting is she?

I see what happened, the merge wasn't showing up in the GO skin.

And with the different layout and the date Jan 27 , Jul 27 too much for the old guy, I'm headed off for a shot of single malt... or two shots... not malts... unless I have any of the 21 yr old chivas , then I'll accept a blend.

Is anyone else on GO? That may make a difference. I'll switch over and see.