My daughter and I had been best friends. She hadn't really dated much in high school. In college, she had a crushed on every guy in this group that her bunch palled around with except for one - whom she couldn't stand. None of the crushes affections was returned. The middle of her Sophomore year, this guy she previously couldn't stand, and would even tell ME about the summer after her Freshman year how she couldn't stand him when he would write her on the computer - well, she came home at Christmas break saying that she was now DATING HIM. OH NO! I thought. I had seen the things he had written online and I was displeased. We met her new boyfriend when taking our daughter back to school. He couldn't say Thank You when we would take them both out to dinner... This happened more than once. Then, she wanted us to like him SO much, that one time while talking to her on the phone, she suddenly put HIM on... Whatever the discussion was about at the time, he suddenly called ME a racist! I couldn't believe my EARS. He has this 'sick' sense of humor you see... He also thinks he's super intelligent, but if he didn't like a class, he didn't always attend it and while our daughter studied abroad, he flunked 2 courses missing classes and played video games back in his apartment. At the same time, my daughter was having anxiety problems there in Spain and who did she call when she couldn't move from a doorstep in Spain to walk to her apartment there ? ME. I had to talk her BACK there - she was going through a lot of pressure while over there. The boyfriend had to take the 2 courses over again in the Spring Semester. They both graduated from college and she moved home with us. Things have been crappy with my daughter ever since. She expected to find a job right away and didn't. So she was CRABBY here to me. We had an argument 2 weeks after we were home and she threw in my face how the boyfriend's mother invited her to move into their house in NJ (2 1/2 ) hours away to hurt me. The boyfriend's mother hurt me before - when we met my daughter at the airport, when she came home from studying in Spain, the boyfriend and his mother were also there. We were all going for a bite to eat afterwards and out in the parking lot, the boyfriend's mother has the NERVE to say to our daughter as we're going for our car : "DO YOU WANT TO RIDE WITH US ?" I had that woman's number ever since... She wanted to appropriate my daughter... That WHOLE summer, my daughter was HORRIBLE to me. I suffer from Depression, and had therapy sessions to go to. I would ask my daughter to simply empty the dishwasher while I was gone. I'd come home - and it wouldn't be done. She was going to do it one her OWN personal time. When she had nothing to do ALL DAY but look on her computer for jobs. One day, she stood at the top of the stairs to our top floor and screamed : "I HATE IT HERE !!! ". Like that made ME feel any better. She was cranky ALL summer. And she MISSED her boyfriend and didn't like NOT being with him. Come September, she left and MOVED IN with the boyfriend's and his PARENT'S. It hurt like I can't tell you. She got a part-time job in the same place her boyfriend did, at a bank. But she wound up getting a FULL time job 2 months later and they moved in thei rown apartment. My daughter STILL can be "Snotty" at times. That Christmas, his parents sent us a Christmas card, saying to enjoy our son and daughter being home, but drew a line from our daughter's name to this little phrase : "But send her back !". The "mom" always has to say "something" to impress that they live "closer" to my daughter and like she isn't mine any more... And my daughter doesn't seem to get it or CARE that it hurts me. NOW, she's engaged. She came up and we went to look at wedding dresses. 2 were set aside that we already liked online. The salesperson took us to an area where we could see similar styles as those 2 dresses to look at. I saw the most beautifully elaborate torso on a cream colored gown that looked like one Princess Diana would have worn and oohed and awwed about it and asked my daughter if she would try it on for me... the eyes rolled, she sighed, she didn't answer - I gave this girl life and went through an entire collection online for her but GEEZ. The saleslady came back and asked how we did. My daughter found one she liked. I mentioned the one I had seen there, that I asked my daughter to try on... well, in FRONT of the saleswoman she goes "ALL-right" in her reluctant tone. Almost as if I asked for her KIDNEY. Reader's Digest version of the gown trying on : She decided on the gown I found that she DIDN'T WANT TO TRY ON. Next day, we're at her best friend's house who just had a baby, showing her the pictures and video I took of my daughter in the bridal gown that I took at the store the day before, on my laptop. I asked my daughter on getting out of the car to carry the cord in for me. She REFUSED and said her boyfriend will go out and get it if "we need it". So I carried it in... Then inside, her boyfriend and best friend's husband sit in the living room with the newborn baby while we go off in the dining room to look at bridal gown pictures and video on my lap top. My daughter goes NUTS when ANY word might be used that her fiancé out in the other room might be heard BY HIM that he will know "what the gown will look like"?? Like BUTTON?? I said BUTTON, as there are buttons on the back, and they go down the train to the end. But we're in the dining room and the guys are off in another room, talking. My daughter is PARANOID about the boyfriend knowing ANYTHING. I mean, the word, BUTTON?? I do so much for her. WHAT is her problem?? She is defensive about the boyfriend as well. Last November, when they were moving to another apartment, he threw her small TV out - without asking. She was mad for a few hours and that was it. We had bought her that TV and weren't supposed to be upset by it. It was HER business. I can't take the stress anymore. She's not the awesome girl I used to know. And this is not the kind of guy she normally would have been attracted to. I think she "settled" as he was the last one left out of that group and part of her isn't outgoing. He got fulltime at that part time job at that bank he got work at right out of college, but his GPA isn't what my daughter's was because of his attitude in college and he may be stuck there. Everything went South once she got with him. HELP! What do I do ? She's rude to me, takes me for granted, and I hate being around the boyfriend's parents - especially the mother. I'd like to have the daughter I KNEW back !

Think about it. Put yourself in your daughter's shoes for a few minutes. She goes to college and expects to land a decent job, get an apartment, and begin to live as an independent adult once she graduates. The economy is in bad shape so her plan doesn't work out. She has to move back in with her parents. She no longer is headed toward adulthood, but is regressing into childhood with her parents telling her what to do, monitoring her love life, and generally keeping tabs on her whereabouts. She believes her mother even tried to tell her which wedding gown to buy. Her fiancé is possibly the same way, replacing her parents by "guiding" her and telling her what to do and even making choices for her (because she's too much of a child to make them for herself?)

It sounds like your daughter desperately wants independence and has jumped from the frying pan into the fire.

I'm afraid your baby is all grown up and making her own decisions.

She has a right to choose her boyfriend/husband,she has a right to choose her own dress,and she has a right to her own life.

She makes the decisions and SHE has to take the consequnces for those actions,not you.

As an aside,I think the occasion with the dress on video was a little rude on your behave,the visit was to goo and the beautiful new baby,not the dress. and I can see her point,she was afraid you might give too many details of the dress and that he may see it.

You have raised her to be a responsible adult,you have loved her and cherished her,that's not gone away,she still needs you but in a different way.

My advice with dealing with her is don't offer advice unless she askes you.

Keep the lines of communication open and friendly.

She going to have her own baby some day and her view of the whole world will change,she'll need you,be ready to be needed again.

As for the boyfriends mother,they love her too and see the wonderful daughter you raised,nothing she says or does can take that away from you or your daughter.

Be nice and friendly to the boyfriends mother,at least she does love her and is not making things hard or horrible for her.

Even though you feel robbed of your daughter,she's not gone,she's just grown up,and will still love you and need you her whole life,but if you start causing arguments and causng a rift in her relationship it will be much harder down the road when the babies do arrive.

You don't have to take rudeness,that is up to you,you can tell her in no uncertain terms that you deserve respect and you expect it,she is an adult and wants an adult life,time for her to start acting like one.

And you can say that to her as no one else can.

I did NOT tell her what dress to pick. I should have known better than to write on a forum like this. I just asked her if she would try it on for me. I didn't ASK her to PICK that DRESS. When she tried ALL the dresses on, there were 2 teenage twins there who were helping. THEY LOVED this dress and THEY picked it out as their favorite. The dress was HER choice. In fact, until the veil and tiara was on her head, she wasn't SURE, she told the salesperson. After that, she stared in the mirror at herself like she was the QUEEN, truthfully. No one bosses her around about her love life that summer she was home. She was like a lion in a bad mood her and it was walking on EGGS around her. You were afraid to say ANYTHING to her. Saying the VIDEO was RUDE on my part ? The room was off to the side, the boyfriend said afterward he couldn't hear a thing, and both my husband and son have said that it was wrong of her. So how dare YOU ? She wouldn' even carry the CORD for me ? And I filmed all this for her maid of honor who couldn't be there because of just having the baby . I know my daughter is grown up - I expected it someday, but thought at the same time she would use the judgement we gave her and would treat her the way I treated MY parents.

The opinions posted are just that opinions,and I based my opinion on your post.

That is how I interpreted your question.

Other people will post their opinions and offer advice also.

Your daughter is grown up,so why are you letting her upset you so much,you would not tolerate it from another adult.

She's going to need your help to arrange the wedding and invite guests,it sounds as if your daughter is under a lot of stress,there could be more going on in her life that you don't know about.

Unless you talk to her and talk this out with her its not going to get better.

I did NOT tell her what dress to pick. I should have known better than to write on a forum like this. I just asked her if she would try it on for me. I didn't ASK her to PICK that DRESS. When she tried ALL the dresses on, there were 2 teenage twins there who were helping. THEY LOVED this dress and THEY picked it out as their favorite. The dress was HER choice. In fact, until the veil and tiara was on her head, she wasn't SURE, she told the salesperson. After that, she stared in the mirror at herself like she was the QUEEN, truthfully. No one bosses her around about her love life that summer she was home. She was like a lion in a bad mood her and it was walking on EGGS around her. You were afraid to say ANYTHING to her. Saying the VIDEO was RUDE on my part ? The room was off to the side, the boyfriend said afterward he couldn't hear a thing, and both my husband and son have said that it was wrong of her. So how dare YOU ? She wouldn' even carry the CORD for me ? And I filmed all this for her maid of honor who couldn't be there because of just having the baby . I know my daughter is grown up - I expected it someday, but thought at the same time she would use the judgement we gave her and would treat [us] the way I treated MY parents.
Based on what you posted, I said, ''She believes her mother even tried to tell her which wedding gown to buy." That's what I got out of your first post -- "She believes." Your further explanation changed that.

I've been through something like this with a child, and have had friends in the same boat as you sobbing on my shoulder. We have to finally let go and let them make their mistakes. I did it, you are doing it, and yes, like her, we loved our parents but desperately wanted to be considered adults. In fact, as I look back, I wish I'd made more of a ruckus back then and not let my parents steamroll over me on several issues.

I learned real fast -- parents have to let go. Be involved, but on her terms now. Like redhed said, she will hopefully rise to the occasion and be the delightful young woman you raised.

I did NOT tell her what dress to pick. I should have known better than to write on a forum like this. I just asked her if she would try it on for me. I didn't ASK her to PICK that DRESS. When she tried ALL the dresses on, there were 2 teenage twins there who were helping. THEY LOVED this dress and THEY picked it out as their favorite. The dress was HER choice. In fact, until the veil and tiara was on her head, she wasn't SURE, she told the salesperson. After that, she stared in the mirror at herself like she was the QUEEN, truthfully. No one bosses her around about her love life that summer she was home. She was like a lion in a bad mood her and it was walking on EGGS around her. You were afraid to say ANYTHING to her. Saying the VIDEO was RUDE on my part ? The room was off to the side, the boyfriend said afterward he couldn't hear a thing, and both my husband and son have said that it was wrong of her. So how dare YOU ? She wouldn' even carry the CORD for me ? And I filmed all this for her maid of honor who couldn't be there because of just having the baby . I know my daughter is grown up - I expected it someday, but thought at the same time she would use the judgement we gave her and would treat her the way I treated MY parents.

I am the mother of two grown children and when they transitioned into adulthood,my role changed from supervisor of their life to someone who gives them the benefit of my wisdom when asked.

I am vocal about their life when they involve me in a conversation and even then I try to remember that they need space and respect from me as adults.

If I thought that they were involved with something dangerous or harmful,I would not hesitate to stick my nose in and say my piece but for the most part I abstain from second guessing their judgment.

If this is what you need to do to keep the peace in your family then I suggest that you learn a new way of communication with your daughter and try not to let these small issues affect your relationship.
It just isn't worth losing your daughter over.

I think there are money issues with the two of them that haven't been ironed out. I can not work and so it is only from my husband's salary, in which he could be retiring at any time, that we will be giving her money towards the wedding. The rest she is paying for. What we give her comes out of what is being saved for our retirement, as my husband is almost 60. My daughter wants a fairy tale wedding. The boyfriend has a say in all this yet can't afford to contribute one penny towards it. They were recently here for the 4th holiday and he's lucky if he said 2 words to me. But he did bring his laptop along to play video games on it in our living room and ignore other people and commented how he needed a new computer to play his games faster... In scouting locations for the outdoor wedding she wants, I heard them "discussing" that SHE can buy a house NOW if she wants... they are in an apartment and with his salary "sharing" they couldn't... Trouble in paradise? I feel something isn't right. She is sick of cohabitating without commitment, but his salary sucks and nothing ahead looks promising for HIM... I think she's STUCK - and she quietly wants more... but won't admit it. Even to herself. And now the wedding ball is rolling.

My daughter wants a fairy tale wedding.
I hope you are not spending your retirement money and money you don't have to make that possible. If she wants such a wedding, she (and he) should pay for it. My parents couldn't afford much of anything, nor could I, so my reception took place in the church hall right after the wedding (my dress was off the rack and the girls made their bridesmaid dresses). We ate mini (homemade) sandwiches, a bakery cake, and peanuts, and drank punch and coffee (no champagne). There was no band, dancing, open bar, big meal. Regardless, everyone had a good time.

Its hard to watch on when we think our children hurting its hard to be nice to a guy who perfers the company of video games instead of being polite to the hosts,and more then that his future parent in laws.

Your frustration is evident in your posts,and your hurt is obvious,but you can only do what she will let you do.

Unless you can get her to open up to you her real feelings probably will not be known for years,if ever.

Your doing the best you can for the wedding,but you have to think of yourself and your husband too,as I said,unless this all comes out into the open its going to fester.

artlady and wondergirl have given you good advice on how to deal with the matter,if you can take something from it and apply it to your relationship with your daughter and see what happens.

Financially, give what you can comfortably afford toward the wedding.

Emotionally, you need to focus on enjoying your own life, and let her live hers.

Psychologically, try to stop being a parent to what you make her out to be- 12 years old. She is a grown woman, your job is done. She is an independent woman, capable of calling her own shots, without your opinion.

If she asks for your opinion, offer it, otherwise, let her be, and make her own mistakes. She will learn from them.

As you said, "my daugher was the sweetest girl growing up...She met a guy in college"

You have to let that go. She is not a little girl anymore, and you finding so much fault with her intended, or his mother, will not go very far in having good relationships with any of them.

You seem very overly critical of all involved. Try to look the other way, respect her decisions with her fiancé, stay out of their business, and enjoy their company.

There will no doubt be grandchildren at some point in the future. How you behave toward them now, will most certainly make a difference in how much of a role you will play in the future.

NOW do you see what I mean about her ? See, recentl, our son fell into bad times and we helped him out. He traded in his car and we gave him money to get a used car. He uses his car for his job and the car he had would cost almost as much to get fixed as it was WORTH. It was an EMERGENCY and we needed to help him out. He had no solutions. Well, of course, our DAUGHTER would not forget THIS. Even though it came out our Retirement Savings. Our son earns very little even though he has a Master's Degree and has been looking for another job constantly. Her boyfriend just afforded the ring and gave it to her. Till they get married, he'll have to save for her wedding ring. She wants to know how much we're giving her - and she wouldn't carry the laptop cord for me ? I had my handbag and the laptop to carry and it was HOT outside... My husband says I do too much for her. I go BEYOND what I need to do. See, I had a HARD childhood. My father had depression problems from WWII - he was a medic and had alcohol problems. My mother was a an elementary school teacher - who ignored her OWN children in favor of her students and was Emotionally Neglectful as a Mother. Important moments in my life she was vacant and I raised myself. I gave my kids all the love and attention I was denied. So this rudeness by her, I don't get. I mean - she could give me a website to look at 1,000 wedding gowns to tell her the ones I like, but in that store I can't tell her there just ONE? And not have her roll her eyes ? It's like SHE's the mom and I'm the dutiful daughter. I have been respectful, so this right. My son thinks she's been a jerk and says "I know how she is..." and doesn't just agree with me UNLESS he DOES agree with me.

Let her know how much you can put in to the wedding and let her know that's the bottom line,you have other financial responsibilities,if she does not accept that,its just tough luck.

You can offer to help with other things,

If she wants the dream wedding she going to have to find another sponsor.

You have to try and let some of this bad feeling and anger go,for your own health.

Your husband and son have said you do too much for her,she's not a child anymore,you can let her go.

You have done your best,its up to her now.

He is going to be her husband,he will come first,and as much as it grates on your nerves and heart,she will choose him every time.

Stay out of their business let them make their mistakes,you can let her daughter know your there if she needs you but your not an ATM for the wedding.

My husband says I do too much for her. I go BEYOND what I need to do. See, I had a HARD childhood.
That's the pickle we Baby Boomer parents have gotten ourselves into. Our parents were from the Depression Era, and many of us had difficult childhoods with parents who scrimped and saved and didn't know how to enjoy their children. We, on the other hand, vowed to be totally different and raise our children in the opposite way.

We've successfully done that, giving them things for no reason and even giving whatever they wanted when the children should have really been earning them (like we had to do). We decided that was how to show love -- to give them stuff, privileges, and more stuff. We've created the "me generation" that expects everything to be handed to them on a silver platter. My kids are in their 30s now. I've learned to step back and keep my mouth shut. My kids are finally realizing their parents won't bail them out financially or in any other way when they want something or every time they get into trouble. My brother-in-law is still bailing out his two daughters who are both expecting second babies and are finally thinking maybe it's time to get married. I'm not sure he will ever "get it" and is meanwhile spending his retirement money on them. I'm sorry it took me as long as it did to "get it."

I don't know if you are considering any of the advice given here, or if you just need a sounding board, and have no intention of changing yourself, or your views, or getting help with the relationships you have in your life.

When advice is offered, you counter it with more justification in why you are right and everybody else in your world is wrong. Your husband says you do too much, and give too much, and he's right don't you agree?

While you have yourself so entwined in the relationships of your daughter (and fiancé, and son, and future mother in law), that you are complaining equally about her choice in men, on the same level as you complain about carrying a computer cord- do you see where going 100mph continuously over big or little things, is getting you nowhere?

What do you need, or what can you say about how you understand or see your own behaviour, in causing a lot of the stress you are under right now.

I think there are money issues with the two of them that haven't been ironed out. I can not work and so it is only from my husband's salary, in which he could be retiring at any time, that we will be giving her money towards the wedding. The rest she is paying for. What we give her comes out of what is being saved for our retirement, as my husband is almost 60. My daughter wants a fairy tale wedding. The boyfriend has a say in all this yet can't afford to contribute one penny towards it. They were recently here for the 4th holiday and he's lucky if he said 2 words to me. But he did bring his laptop along to play video games on it in our living room and ignore other people and commented how he needed a new computer to play his games faster... In scouting locations for the outdoor wedding she wants, I heard them "discussing" that SHE can buy a house NOW if she wants...they are in an apartment and with his salary "sharing" they couldn't... Trouble in paradise ?? I feel something isn't right. She is sick of cohabitating without committment, but his salary sucks and nothing ahead looks promising for HIM... I think she's STUCK - and she quietly wants more....but won't admit it. Even to herself. And now the wedding ball is rolling.

The only thing you can do that will not be seen as interfering is to let her know you are there for her should she want to talk about what is happening.

It is much better to call off a wedding and lose some cash than get married because you have invested money.

I would not under any circumstances allow you and your husbands retirement security to be put at risk for the wedding.

Even if you had a good feeling about the marriage,you should not compromise your future security.

With some work and the numerous internet resources you can do much of the wedding work yourself.
Favors,invitations,the list of money saving options is endless.

Below is a link I hope you will find helpful.

Free Wedding Planner for Brides on a Budget (http://byfaithonly.com/WeddingPlanner/)

I think there is one misunderstanding here. When I said my husband said I "do too much"... it isn't MONETARILY... It's in physically doing things - whether on the computer, looking things up for her, scouting out a wedding location for her, putting her wedding dress photos and videos on disc and mailing them to her, along with the location we scouted out for her. It's THAT kind of stuff. I think she's a JERK when she's ungrateful, personally. Wouldn't carry a stupid cord for me ? I told her later when we got home that I thought it was pathetic. All she could do was give me a reason WHY I didn't NEED the cord... Just like a 5 year old would. Then my husband, of all people, backed her up ? How ungrateful a person is this for a daughter to act... Doesn't anyone out there see that this isn't petty? My son couldn't believe my daughter would be THAT rude. Not to simply carry something into the house for me when my hands were full - and without ASKING, she was sending the boyfriend out for it, like he was a trained dog from the circus. The boyfriend ignoring us here, but playing his video games and saying he needs a new computer to play his games faster, but has a say in wedding plans, but no money to contribute. She left for a few days where there was no cell phone reception once she arrived. I was terribly sick and texted her during the night before she left. I never heard back from her and she wasn't leaving till 10 am. The following morning and could have written me during the 7 hr. trip to her destination.

I think there is one misunderstanding here. When I said my husband said I "do too much"... it isn't MONETARILY... It's in physically doing things.
I wasn't referring only to money. We Boomer parents have done far too much for our kids and have not allowed them to suffer the consequences of their actions.

She left for a few days where there was no cell phone reception once she arrived. I was terribly sick and texted her during the night before she left. I never heard back from her and she wasn't leaving till 10 am. The following morning and could have written me during the 7 hr. trip to her destination.
If you knew she was going away, why contact her? To do what?

I had been getting MIGRAINES everyday for the 2nd week now and been in agony and my daughter knew it. I passed this ailment onto my daughter and now she had to go to a neurologist as well. Things got so bad that My Neurologist had to call in STEROID PILLS the day before she left, which the doctor said, it would take me DAYS to feel better. Things got SO bad, that I couldn't even SLEEP during the night and I was in agony. THAT is when I sent her a text message to let her know how things were going. I didn't even get a TEXT back, which I'm sure she could have sent before she got out of range some 12 hrs. later... Even just to say " Take care. I'm thinking of you". THAT is what I had hoped for... that's all.

Harshness alert.


When I said my husband said I "do too much"... it isn't MONETARILY... It's in physically doing things - whether on the computer, looking things up for her, scouting out a wedding location for her, putting her wedding dress photos and videos on disc and mailing them to her, along with the location we scouted out for her. It's THAT kind of stuff.

The things you mentioned, I do for friends, family, people I've never met. Putting pictures on a disc is no big deal. Looking things up on a computer, not a big deal.

You seem to be the type of person that expects a lot of praise for every little thing you do. Carry a cord, expect a thank you card. Load some pictures on a disc, expect gratitude and life long servitude. I don't get it.


Wouldn't carry a stupid cord for me ? I told her later when we got home that I thought it was pathetic. All she could do was give me a reason WHY I didn't NEED the cord... Just like a 5 year old would. Then my husband, of all people, backed her up ? How ungrateful a person is this for a daughter to act...

Wow! Get over it! It's a cord. It's not like you asked her for a kidney and she said no. This is a very minor thing and you're acting like she slapped you and spit in your face.


and without ASKING, she was sending the boyfriend out for it, like he was a trained dog from the circus

So asking her fiancé to get the cord makes her a domineering control freak that expects him to jump at her command? Again... WOW! Do you not realize that you did the same thing? You wanted her to carry the cord, she said no, asked her fiancé to do it. Are you just mad because you didn't get your way? That's what it sounds like to me.


The boyfriend ignoring us here, but playing his video games and saying he needs a new computer to play his games faster, but has a say in wedding plans, but no money to contribute.

Considering your mood swings and great expectations, I really can't blame the fiancé for avoiding you as much as he can. As for the wedding, money or no money, it's his wedding, of course he should have a say in it. Geesh. So you're putting some money towards it, of your own free will. Do you think that because you're contributing financially that you should have the final say?


She left for a few days where there was no cell phone reception once she arrived. I was terribly sick and texted her during the night before she left. I never heard back from her and she wasn't leaving till 10 am. The following morning and could have written me during the 7 hr. trip to her destination.

It's all about you. You were sick, she should have dropped everything to text you. You needed help with the cord, she should have dropped to her feet, done your bidding and thank the heavens above that she has a mother like you, one that's willing to show pictures of her dress. It's all you, you, you, you. You're the one being hurt, you're so wonderful and do so much for her. I'm seriously rolling my eyes right now.


Things got SO bad, that I couldn't even SLEEP during the night and I was in agony. THAT is when I sent her a text message to let her know how things were going. I didn't even get a TEXT back, which I'm sure she could have sent before she got out of range some 12 hrs. later... Even just to say " Take care. I'm thinking of you". THAT is what I had hoped for... that's all.

Why don't you write a little book about all the things you expect from your daughter, that way she'll know how to please you and keep the peace. Personally, if it was me, and my mother (God rest her soul) texted me to tell me she had a migraine, I wouldn't text back because I wouldn't want to disturb her. My husband suffers from migraines. When he gets one, texting back and forth with someone is the last thing on his mind. He can't even open his eyes, talk, text, eat, or anything. He's in too much pain to move.

I know exactly what you're going to say about my post. I also know why. You don't want to hear that you're the problem, not your daughter. You are way too demanding, pick fights about things that most people wouldn't even think about, and you expect your child to drop everything in order to cater to you.

The reason she's so ambivalent towards you, is because she's had enough. There's no pleasing you, and it seems that there never will be.

If you keep up this behavior, very soon you won't have to worry about the way your daughter treats you, because she'll cut you and all the drama that comes with you, out of her life for good.

Get help. Learn to deal with these little issues, because in the great scheme of things, you really shouldn't be having the problems you have, they're minor.

Now, bring on the drama, I expect it. I know you won't read what I wrote with an open mind, you aren't ready to accept that you are the problem.

When you are ready to accept it, let us know, maybe then we can give you the advice you need to get back on track and have a normal healthy relationship with your daughter.

Until then, I wish you and your daughter a lot of luck.

I think you need to sit and consider where the boundaries are in this relationship.

You keep talking about how she is your daughter and how uncomfortable you feel about the boyfiend's mother laying claim to her as though she is a possession. Having someone else want to make your daughter part of their family too isn't a threat, it's a lovely thing. I consider my daughter's boyfriend part of my family and his mum counts my daughter as part of hers. It doesn't mean we have lost our offspring but that they have gained even more people to love them. Surely that is a good thing.

You keep making suggestions and offering unsolicited advice to your daughter. I know you are doing this because you care and are worried for her but you need to step back and let her start making her own decisions, and yes her own mistakes at times too. Only give help and advice if it is asked for. I know several people have already said this to you but it really is important when negotiating the change in relationship when our children grow up. I have found it hard to do myself, and I freely confess that at first it caused some friction between me and mine but I very quickly realised it was time for me to stop the 'mothering' and trust them. We get on great now. Please do try this. It might feel really difficult at first but it is so worth it in the long run.

I know you don't approve of the boyfriend but we cannot choose who our adult children have in their lives. Maybe she is making a mistake, but all you can do is be there for her if she needs support when things go wrong. And just maybe she isn't and they will live happily ever after, only time will tell. The best thing you can do is give her the space to work it out for herself, or she might marry him just to prove you wrong!

Finally, and I'm sorry I don't know how to say this without being blunt - stop playing the martyr. You keep telling us about all the things you do for your daughter and how ungrateful she is. So stop doing them if you don't want to! It is your choice to do these things and if they are not bringing you the satisfaction you want then it is time to stop. Your daughter isn't holding a gun to your head. Start respecting yourself in this relationship and stop rolling over to give your daughter what you think she wants. Just maybe she will start to respect you too.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you seem to have got yourself locked into a mindset where you think you have no choice but to do these things for your daughter and that the only solution to this problem is to keep bemoaning the bad behaviour from your daughter in the hope that this will make her change.

The most important thing I can remind you of is that the only person's behaviour we can directly change is our own. Look at what YOU can do differently. With luck the dynamics will change and things will get better for all of you, but the change has to start with YOUR behaviour.

You need to stop looking at what your daughter is doing wrong and start looking at where you can change. Right now. I do so hope you can do this and wish you well.

YOU do not belong on here. Pet Expert ? Listen, with all these migraines I was lying down with my dog Molly and found a growth in her belly. I HOPE it's not Cancer. I have made an appointment with the Vet. YOU are Venomous as a SNAKE and know nothing. You and Mel Gibson and a LOT in common. You don't know ANYTHING and evidently didn't read what I wrote very well. I'm doing things all the time and my husband is the one who thinks I do too much. GOT IT! We went in the sweltering heat to scout a wedding location where I took video and wedding pictures. THAT is when the migraines started. I don't go looking for awards. I am DRIVEN to make people HAPPY, that's all. I WANT people to be happy. My father was an alcoholic and when you come from a dysfunctional family, you are always TRYING to do THAT. So don't try telling me what you THINK I am doing. Only "I" know WHERE it is COMING FROM, as I LIVED IT. HOW DARE YOU?? I've had a HARD LIFE. That includes walking in on my mother - who had a NOOSE AROUND HER NECK. Think you know me NOW? And what I'm ALL ABOUT ? I certainly LOVE my kids. They BOTH nearly DIED in a car accident in 1993. And whatever you think I am about - you know SQUAT. Shame on you for what you wrote. I would give my LIFE FOR THEM. Sorry I ever wrote on here...

LaurM,

Please show a little respect toward those that try to offer good advice.

There has been nothing said to you that has been worthy of any of the anger and hateful comments you have displayed.

After several attempts to get you to open up to the possibility that you contribute and create a lot of your misery, you don't like what you hear, so you attack those that offer advice in good faith.

I agree. You don't belong here.

YOU do not belong on here. Pet Expert ? Listen, with all these migraines I was lying down with my dog Molly and found a growth in her belly. I HOPE it's not Cancer. I have made an appointment with the Vet. YOU are Venomous as a SNAKE and know nothing. You and Mel Gibson and a LOT in common. You don't know ANYTHING and evidently didn't read what I wrote very well. I'm doing things all the time and my husband is the one who thinks I do too much. GOT IT! We went in the sweltering heat to scout a wedding location where I took video and wedding pictures. THAT is when the migraines started. I don't go looking for awards. I am DRIVEN to make people HAPPY, that's all. I WANT people to be happy. My father was an alcoholic and when you come from a dysfunctional family, you are always TRYING to do THAT. So don't try telling me what you THINK I am doing. Only "I" know WHERE it is COMING FROM, as I LIVED IT. HOW DARE YOU?? I've had a HARD LIFE. That includes walking in on my mother - who had a NOOSE AROUND HER NECK. Think you know me NOW? And what I'm ALL ABOUT ? I certainly LOVE my kids. They BOTH nearly DIED in a car accident in 1993. And whatever you think I am about - you know SQUAT. Shame on you for what you wrote. I would give my LIFE FOR THEM. Sorry I ever wrote on here...

Do you really think that you're the only one that's had a hard life? Want to trade horror stories, I don't think you'll be sitting there feeling sorry for yourself when I'm done.

I never said you don't love your kids, not once did I say that. You are smothering them, and you need help so you can stop.

Read your post. Every thing you mention, all the wonderful difficult things you do, are so minimal, why bring them up? You seem to think that taking pictures of you daughter, going to the wedding site with her, is the same thing as giving her your kidney. That's the way you make it sound. Read it, here it is;


I'm doing things all the time and my husband is the one who thinks I do too much. GOT IT! We went in the sweltering heat to scout a wedding location where I took video and wedding pictures. THAT is when the migraines started.

It sounds like you're blaming your daughter for the migraines. Don't you see that? If you hadn't gone you wouldn't be suffering. Is that honestly how you see it?


YOU are Venomous as a SNAKE and know nothing. You and Mel Gibson and a LOT in common.

I find this funny. You said shame on me for writing what I wrote, which I based on what you told us, but you, who really don't know anything about me, and dare to say that I should be ashamed because I judged you, wrote the above.

I don't think you're really here for advice, you want to be validated and you're upset because I don't think your daughter is the one with issues. No one wants to hear what others really think, most people just want people to agree with them. I could do that, I could pretend that the fact that your daughter wouldn't carry in a cord for you is the worst thing a child could to to a mother and you should continue to be angry about it for the rest of your life. I could say that the fact that you took pictures and showed them on your computer is worthy of a dozen roses, a thank you card, and praise for being such a wonderful human being. I could pat you on the back and tell you that you did your best in raising your child, but she's just ungrateful, cold, and doesn't understand all you do.

I'm sure you do things for your kids, but the examples of things you're angry about that you provided to us, are ridiculous. The reasons for your anger, most people wouldn't even give the incidents a second thought, but you gave them a life of their own and feel such anger because of them, it's not healthy, nor is it a reaction most people would have.

Obviously you cannot see what I see. I did read your posts very carefully, and I stand by the advice I gave.

It's just my opinion, which you solicited when you posted here. The title "Pets Expert" is just a title. The pets section is the one I most frequent, but it's far from the only thing I'm an expert in. No, I'm not a counselor, but I am smart enough to see that you need help dealing with your anger and the issues you have with your child, because the things you find earth shattering and hurtful, are nothing. I can only imagine how you would handle a serious event.

You can take my advice, seek counseling, follow through, perhaps get rid of all your anger and read what I said with an open mind, or you can believe what you do now, try your best to have a relationship with your child, and keep the anger with you, watch it grow.

I can only wish you luck, the rest is up to you.

No, I'm not a counselor, but I am smart enough to see that you need help dealing with your anger and the issues you have with your child, because the things you find earth shattering and hurtful are nothing. I can only imagine how you would handle a serious event.
I AM a professional counselor and agree with Alty that your seeking counseling would be a good idea. There will be grandbabies arriving before you know it. Please work through this anger and heal the relationship with your daughter, so we don't read posts from your grandchildren in about twelve years. It's obvious you have a lot of love to give. There's a way to give it so you don't end up feeling disrespected and disappointed.

I know you cannot see it LaurM but all the people on here are genuinely trying to help you.

You may feel as though you are being judged but it is only that some of us are using a little tough love to try and get you to look at your own situation objectively. As yet we have not found a way sadly.

I know you feel you are not getting what you came here for so I am going to ask you a question. This is not to get at you. It is not sarcastic. It is a genuine open question that I hope you will consider for yourself.

What do you actually want?

Do you want us to offer you sympathy and agree that your daughter could be behaving better? We could do that, but short of making you feel better for a few minutes what would that actually achieve?

Do you want us to try and offer suggestions that will help you make the situation better? That is what people are trying to do.

Or is there something else?

What is it you want to happen? Both on here and in your life.
It is no good going over and over what the problem is. We do get it. But what do you actually want? If you don't want to answer that for us please try and do so for yourself.

We also understand about tough times. My father is an alcoholic and my mother was a schizophrenic. I had to save her life several times. I was often in a position where she could have taken mine, due to her illness, she came close. I'm lucky to be alive considering some of the things I did live through. Other people here have horror stories of their own. Not mine to share but believe me you are not alone in having to overcome adversity.

I decided, and I know I'm not alone here, that I wasn't prepared to remain a victim. I am ready to leave the past behind and take responsibility for the present. Are you?

There is help out there if you want it.

So. What do you want?

It was "Altenweg" on page TWO I found VERY insulting. I won't be writing after this. You can kick someone else around. I just want you to know that I CAME here for help, as my daughter intends to get married, and I don't want give money to a wedding and see her crying a year or two later seeing it was a mistake. We can not afford to help out again. Because her boyfriend screwed around in college, his job sucks now. What is strange is that my daughter is an overachiever and this guy in college had "loser" written over him. Yet when she came home from studying abroad and seen how he goofed off, she had her own problems and didn't say anything at the time to him. She cared about the dream they were working towards - he didn't. She LOVES to travel overseas, as she did for studying in college... I think she might get restless when she can't do that once the I DOs are said and what her heart is burning to do because he is stuck with this low paying salary between $20 and $30,000. I only wrote on here because I am a good mother, my friends all tell me I am and my daughter should show the same respect I give her. I was looking forward to having a great son in law - this guy couldn't say "Thank You" from the beginning and never really blended in... I have bought clothes for him in college when I saw them on sale and got some in the same store for my daughter and son. I have made efforts. I have felt sorry at times for him, as his parents are idiots - they treat the other son better than they do him. And it's not right. He makes remarks to my daughter in front of us that are unkind - and he should keep them to himself and I talk to her about it. It gets me upset and she needs to speak to him not to do that when we're around. Well, she has yet to do it. No wonder then when he makes ill remarks I get upset and get worried. I just ask a request that he not do that around us - it goes nowhere. I was nice about it, and nothing more I can do... You all paint me as this TERRIBLE overbearing person. I am NOT that. This person my daughter is now engaged to has certainly sent up a lot of Red Flags. And as far as his Mother, that I should be GLAD that she loves my daughter so much ? That was rude to ask my daughter to ride in the car with them at the airport when she just came home from studying abroad. WE are her family, NOT the boyfriend and his mother. We all felt she was out of line here. My whole family who went to pick her up. And the Xmas card ? The one saying "But send her back" That wasn't funny. We live far from my daughter - 2 1/2 hrs. from her. Her future mother in law lives 15-20 away. Writing that, considering how often we see my daughter, was like gee, we just had her here and she's going to leave and then we get THIS in the mail? ". It hurt. And it was from someone that can pick up and see her anytime she wants. I can't. This past November, we helped my daughter and the boyfriend move into ANOTHER apartment. When it was all over, and his parents went to leave, the mother says before going out the door with the husband : " Thanks for helping US".... My husband and I both heard her do it again. The "us". It's like ALL 4 of them make one big happy family and we're just Outsiders from the Sticks. As my husband said, "It wasn't in HER place to thank us... ". THAT is why it was so weird....It IS like she has appropriated my daughter, so with her son included. the 4 of them ARE one big happy family. Unless the other son is home from college...he's their favorite. lol. My daughter didn't want anything to ruin her relationship with her boyfriend - I said whatever she needed to do then when the card came, but I sent his mother an email telling her my feelings were hurt and I thought she had crossed the line - they also tried to "buy" my daughter by paying for her end of the apartment in the beginning...When the mother said her "Thank you" upon leaving, I took my daughter aside and said, look, as I tried to be very graceful about it all, I know she's not going to change, and I"m not going to make a big deal out of this and write her or anything, just tell me that you see this... (that the mother was doing her crap again... it was soooo obvious) and like a little 5 yr. old Shirley Temple, she goes to me "No!". The airport parking lot, the Christmas Card, other things, and now THIS. It was time for the long drive home. The next morning I woke with a migraine and at 3 am the following morning, I was working on my laptop when my face started to tingle and then burn. It continued for another 24 hrs. after that. Turns out it was all part of the migraine I had gotten. It was like someone had thrown fuel on me and lit it. I wound up in the emergency room first, but the wait was too long and left. Later I went to the family dr. who gave me steroids. I went on the computer and figured out it was still a result from the migraine and took my migraine medication. It worked. Maybe no one on here understands... My hair stylist is around my age. She did my mother's hair and does my hair. She had done my daughter's hair before she moved away. I have told her everything as it happened. She can tell me how I feel with all this when I don't even SAY IT and DOES see that it isn't ME. And one other thing : after this wedding goes off, IF there are problems, and IF my daughter says WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING ? Cause you guys seem to think all I do is open my mouth. I DON'T. I'll tell her YOU DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR, MY DEAR. She'll probably get MAD at me for not SAYING ANYTHING then TOO. Don't bother writing again. I won't be coming back to READ IT.

Don't bother writing again. I won't be coming back to READ IT.
Okay. All I will say is that I wish you the best.

***ADDED***Someone else posted this recently in a different thread: "I also really appreciate all these responses, its so nice to see such caring people out there willing to give there time to help others."

I'm truly sorry we weren't able to make a difference in YOUR life, LaurM.

I too can only wish you all the best.

We can only base our answers on the information we receive, and even after your last post, I still stand by what I said.

Sadly, it's often hardest to see ourselves. It's never easy to hear what people think, especially when it doesn't jive with how we see ourselves.

After almost 3 years on this site, I've found that the people that get the most angry about our advice are usually angry because they see that what we're saying rings true, but they're not ready to accept it.

Good luck to you and your daughter.

I too can only wish you all the best.

We can only base our answers on the information we receive, and even after your last post, I still stand by what I said.

Sadly, it's often hardest to see ourselves. It's never easy to hear what people think, especially when it doesn't jive with how we see ourselves.

After almost 3 years on this site, I've found that the people that get the most angry about our advice are usually angry because they see that what we're saying rings true, but they're not ready to accept it.

Good luck to you and your daughter.

Got to spread the rep but I agree, she just isn't ready to hear us right now. We tried.

To the OP, I too wish you and your daughter well, and if you ever see things differetly you know where to find us. Good luck.

Don't spend your retirement money on their wedding. I f she wants to be adult.. then let her be and let them afford it. Leave them alone or the situation will get worse. Let your daughter do the mistakes and then let her learn from them. I know its going to be hard but that is the only graceful way out for you. Or the things will be messed up further.