Hi all :)

I have to say that I love this site and the advice and help that it offers to others. I have personally been helped tremendously by many of you.

I just had a thought though that some responses might actually be quite damaging to some people in crisis. I realise that it's probably not too common but I imagine that some people may come here as a last resort or have no one else to talk to. Does anyone ever worry that their comments might push someone who is in crisis 'over the edge' or leave them feeling helpless?

I think that most of the advice given here is fantastic but I am wondering about the few occasions when the odd 'brash' comment may affect someone in a way that is not expected. After all, we get a brief outline of their problem but don't really know what is going on in their head and just how helpless they feel.

Good Question,

I think we have to be careful with the advice we give. The advice or response must be truthful based on the facts given otherwise the response would be pointless but at the same time we must be sensitive to the person's situation.

There have been times since I joined where I have posted a response and then immediately deleted it and reworded things in a way which are not so blunt yet still truthful. Sometimes its not that you want to come across as harsh or uncaring, its just a matter of getting the wording right.

It is true that there are people who come here who have nowhere else to turn to. I will actually say that personally, I cannot any longer talk much to my friends and family about my break-up with my ex 3 1/2 months ago even though I still have the pain. Basically the people around me have got fed up with talking about it and to be quite honest, I don't blame them. My family resent my ex for what she did and therefore try to avoid any conversations about her. Sometimes I need to talk about it though and when I come her, there are so many deep, caring, understanding and wise people to talk to who do not turn their backs and will offer the best advice the can which is truthful.

I think it is also good that people come here for help because in the real world, friends and family may tel you what you want to hear just to keep you quiet whereas on this website, people tell you how it really is.

I hope this answers the question.:)

I agree with you geoff that often family and friends don't want to hurt someone by telling them the truth. I think though that sometimes some 'brash' comments are made without realising that this site may be the last help for someone who is in a desperate and (in their eyes) a last ditch situation

i agree with you geoff that often family and friends don't want to hurt someone by telling them the truth. i think though that sometimes some 'brash' comments are made without realising that this site may be the last help for someone who is in a desperate and (in their eyes) a last ditch situation

Very true gold...

I think it is important to really take the time to understand where a poster is at emotionally by responding by first perhaps questioning if you are unsure where they are it.

Depending on the way they respond, this can be a good indicator of where they are emotionally and how sensitive the response needs to be whilst maintaining a truthful and meaningful response.

Are you referring to a specific example you have come across or is this just a general thought?

Just a general thought geoff. I often read a lot of posts and their responses without responding myself. On the few occasions where I have felt that someone's feelings have been minimised, or where I feel that I can genuinely help, I have responded. The main reason for my post is that I read a post that was complaining about so many 'similar' posts regarding relationship issues and how this was 'annoying' to the readers and led to 'blunt' and sometimes insensitive responses. I was just hoping to bring to light that people in crisis do not often have the 'frame of mind' to search similar help questions

I think I know which responses you are referring to Goldnugget. I have seen some insensitive responses on here and seen responses that have reacted to them. I don't really believe that the person who posted these responses intentionally went out of their way to hurt the poster. I really think that in certain cases, the truth hurts and therefore this is why someone reacts. I do also think that some people use wording that is not as tactful as it could be.

I agree that nothing too personal or any abuse has no place here on AMHD.. These are real people who post here and require compassion and understanding. I always bear this in mind before I respond..

We are talking to real human beings with real pain that need real help.

As I remember, the post was in reference to a members discussion topic, he was venting, because he was frustrated, because he was tired, but we have a fairly wide range of people here, and yes some can be more blunt than others, but it does offer a good mix when responding. Some come here for their own reasons also, and not so much for advice, but to validate their own actions be they right or wrong, and it is hard to contain yourself from letting emotions show some times, but you are right we should try at least to be civil with our criticism. Sometimes the truth hurts though.

Totally agree with you both tal and geoff and also agree that most advice is good to excellent. Just some food for thought for people who respond in a fashion that is insensitive because you never really know. Also, with some people, depending on their frame of mind, the truth might not be so good at that given time. I think that sometimes we should always recommend that people go and see a counsellor without giving them 'the truth'. I know I sometimes see people saying that people post here and never come back... perhaps they have given up

Those that don't come back are the most frustrating threads, but I figure they didn't like what they heard. You make a good point though nugget, in that for a lot of cases, especially when they are in dire distress, recommending counseling is an important piece of advice, as you can't help everyone here on this level, and they do need professional help.

What often happens is that if somebody is a bit harsh, somebody else will offer a gentle rebuke or just make a comment that's more kind and supportive. It's one of the beauties of diversity. Operating at a distance and through a keyboard, it's often hard to gauge a questioner's state of mind and emotion, so mistakes will be made, but most of the time, it seems to me that excesses of either pity or criticism are self-correcting due to the diversity of perspectives represented. I try to use my own level of frustration as an indicator of when it's time to go do something else or just pass on any response to a particular question. There are occasions when a person repeatedly deflects on-point comments and goes on long self-justifying rambles that call for pretty blunt language, but that's relatively rare, and usually occurs well into a thread after the questioner has revealed enough to tell pretty clearly what's going on.

I understand where you are coming from tal but perhaps they don't come back not because they didn't like what they heard... perhaps they don't come back because they were reaching for some support and didn't get it because their problems were minimised... hence the people who come back with a different thread. Again, just a thought.

Again I agree, but we just never know what motivates people to do what they do, and as to those multiple posters, which I hate with a passion, some just don't know how to use the site, and some don't know how it works. This is a forum not a chat room, and posting back seems to bring a lot more responses as opposed to asking the same question over. Ordinary guy brings up a good point also as to the diversity of answers, balancing each other out and that, sounds good to me.

I was told long ago by someone wise that love without truth is manipulation but truth without love is just plain brutality. I seek and speak the truth at all times, if possible. However because I know how people feel and behave both, I spend an equal amount of time seeking to be loving and diplomatic about the telling of truths too. I really wish everyone would. The hazard here is that some people get their own unresolved and hidden anger mixed in with what they do -- that's how tough love just becomes tough.

If you slap people with it, setting off their defensive feelings, it won't do much good in the long run. I think its important to note out of the people who post the harsher stuff here, which ones are also willing to go the distance answering questions and offer support and which ones just post the stuff over and over on a sort of slam dunk and run basis. I am sad to think for the newbie posting here what a painful awakening that is. You make an excellent point here Goldnugget but one that probably won't reach the very folks are being too harsh and who need to see this. LOL Unless one of them was me! :eek: In that case, mission accomplished! LOL

I understand your comment valinors but we don't 'love' the posters and neither do they 'love' us so there is no room for manipulation. It's not even about setting defensive feelings off. Its about actually harming people with comments or mimising their pain.

Okay, I'm guilty as charged. And in my defense, I care, sometimes too much. But some who come here in shock, need that slap, just to get there attention. Its very hard to see someone in pain, and not feel for them on some level. I may be wrong but sometimes tough love is exactly what people need sometimes just to get them to think. I try not to be downright cruel though, but the truth can be brutal to those who fail to see it.

I suppose I just believe that this sort of forum also should bear the brunt of humility... no matter how many times people may post or no matter how many times people ask the same questions over and over again... we never really know whether we may be the last ditch effort for someone to reach out and then reach out again without help.

i understand your comment valinors but we don't 'love' the posters and neither do they 'love' us so there is no room for manipulation. it's not even about setting defensive feelings off. its about actually harming people with comments or mimising their pain.
Here is my dilemma. I am pretty sure that you misunderstood my post. So we are both disadvantaged by that now. Do I attempt to correct it? Do I let it go? Do I wonder what that is about? Is there something amiss with you and I specifically? Are you angry with me? Do I ask you to explain your post further? What do I do here? I could use your feedback.

One thing for sure this forum is not for the faint of heart, or the thin skinned sometimes, and that is a reflection of life I think.

Yes tal and that's what I mean. I'm sure a lot of people come here in shock and a 'slap' is not what they need. Granted, a lot of people would come here (like myself) for some sort of validation and advice but there are others who are totally lost, totally have no one, are not very articulate about putting their pain down on paper, can't put their feelings into type very well and are judged unfairly. You will never be able to slap the pain out of someone tal. No one needs to be slapped to bring their pain to light

No val I am not angry or otherwise with you. In fact, your advise is wonderful on this site and you also helped me. I think you give great advice. I am just concerned about the small minority who, everyone might just pass off as a pain in the arse.

no val i am not angry or otherwise with you. in fact, your advise is wonderful on this site and you also helped me. i think you give great advice. i am just concerned about the small minority who, everyone might just pass off as a pain in the arse.
That is good to hear. Thanks for clearing it up!

I think there is a line that some here do cross. To cause undue pain is not good and is not right. I am very willing to inform OP's that if they feel disrespected they have just as much right to complain here as the rest of us. And they should too!

But I have been helping people for a long time due to the profession I was in and sometimes Gold Nugget, there is no way to help someone unless they begin to swallow some truths. Small bites are better, yes. But to help sometimes really does mean to cause pain. Doctors go through this often. Counselors do too. Anyone in the personal advice biz is going to have to determine where they are in the "hurting someone to help them" equation. It will not be helpful or even kind in the long run to be only sympathetic but withhold information about how to solve the problem. This is a place where people come for soulitions and some solutions are not so easy to digest. What then?

So maybe its necessary to see the difference between "good" pain and "bad" pain, if hurting someone in order to help them is necessary. Is it serving the person constructvely or is it sending them further into their own pain and making them defensive instead. That is what I meant in my first post. This is a good topic but it is not one that lends itself to black and white answers.

Yes tal and that's what I mean. I'm sure a lot of people come here in shock and a 'slap' is not what they need. Granted, a lot of people would come here (like myself) for some sort of validation and advice but there are others who are totally lost, totally have no one, are not very articulate about putting their pain down on paper, can't put their feelings into type very well and are judged unfairly. You will never be able to slap the pain out of someone tal. No one needs to be slapped to bring their pain to light

That's where we differ nugget, I think you should give people what you think they need based on what they have written. It not like your knocking sense into them, but as I say a wake up call. I've seen those that come here with problems and are ready for a good fight and don't want to listen or hear what you have to say. There are those that come with their own answers and NEED tough love. Everyone is different and has to be approached dfferently. The same approach does not fit all.

Yes tal I know where you are coming from but sometimes I really don't think that people want to hear who is right or wrong... they just want support with what they are going through. They just want someone to listen. I know I have never claimed to be an expert on this site because I am no expert but I have had pain myself and also worked in psychology for 2 yrs after my masters. I have seen people suffer

Gold,

That is a great question. Personally, my biggest fear is that I give the wrong advice. I worry so much sometimes about that.

There are times that no matter how you word the truth, it will never be heard without pain from the person who is hurting.

When I read a post, I just take it for a fact, that they are hurting and deeply hurting and their hurt is no less than any hurt I have ever felt.

Some may think I have the opposite problem, that I am too "soft". And it is not intentional on my part at all or am I trying to say a harsh reality in a soft way. It just is my nature to respond the way I do. I am not planning on changing that part of me.

Again, my biggest fear is and always will be, I am telling them the wrong thing. But what makes this sight so incredible is that there are amazing and insightful folks that come in before and after me that give the poster a pretty darn good overall picture.

This is an incredibly great question and a good reminder to all of us, that the pain is real, the posters are real, and may the words they receive help them to heal and gain better insight.

yes tal i know where you are coming from but sometimes i really don't think that people want to hear who is right or wrong...they just want support with what they are going through. they just want someone to listen. i know i have never claimed to be an expert on this site because i am no expert but i have had pain myself and also worked in psychology for 2 yrs after my masters. i have seen people suffer
As have I.

yes tal i know where you are coming from but sometimes i really don't think that people want to hear who is right or wrong...they just want support with what they are going through. they just want someone to listen. i know i have never claimed to be an expert on this site because i am no expert but i have had pain myself and also worked in psychology for 2 yrs after my masters. i have seen people suffer
What you are really debating here Goldnugget is the purpose of the site and many here think its about solution, not support. I favor solution with a little support myself. But support or listening without progress toward solution -- I can say openly I am not interested in that. They need to find that somewhere else. To think its okay to tap resources like this and not be open to actually getting tangible help in the way of a solution too is not a reasonable expectation. This is not a support group or a chatroom and if that is what they need, those are out there and available too.

I never worry about my advice being wrong, it could be. I do worry about my advice being too blunt, or rude.

Joe

"does anyone ever worry that their comments might push someone who is in crisis 'over the edge' or leave them feeling helpless?"

Very good question. I have been in 'crisis' on and off most of my life. I treat people the way I was treated, with kindness and gentleness. And it worked, but then I was willing to listen to what they had to say.

I think that is what really helps people, just being willing to listen, even if you don't take all the advice on board.

“The fool listens to no one while the wise man listen to everyone - even the fool.”

“Don't make the mistake of thinking you know all you need to know about yourself and the world you live in, you may deprive yourself of some very useful information that could change your whole out-look on life.”

Having said that, I have come across a couple of 'tough' comments and worried about their affect on a young vulnerable person.

I think we should all pay head the topic of this thread. I think it is VERY important.

To answer your question more directly, yes I do have these concerns routinely. Most recently I expressed those concerns on two thread:

Here: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/cant-bring-myself-leave-cheating-hubby-48610.html

And here: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/divorce/help-will-ever-end-48176.html

Gold,

Sorry, I didn't want you to think I had not noticed some of the more “harsh” responses. Not the ones with dead on advice, that comes from years of experience, but the ones that just blow your socks off (not in a good way) , to where you think, where did you come from and why? I have only seen it a handful of times, and to be honest, my mind for a second just goes blank. When I come to, I think a couple of things, I put my bathing suit on and jump right in that pool, without any reference to whatever that was that just flew in. I put it in the “don't need that pile” and I don't give it a second thought as I trust the moderators on here implicitidly, and leave things like that in their capable hands, which free the rest of us to go back to hopefully being helpful. There is also a “report an inappropriate post” button that can be used. I do however, have great concern as to how it effected the poster.

But all of this is after the fact, I know. I think the occurrences are very few, thankfully, and I think you brining this up, shows what a sensitive and kind person you are. Good for you!

On the other hand, I have also seen incredible advice given, which was dead on, and because the person is in pain, lashed right back at the person who was trying to be helpful. I guess it can work both ways.

Again, great question, and good for you for bringing it to the surface.

I think the poster must realize that they are just asking for advice and make their own mind. If they are in a real crisis, then a message board is NOT where they should turn to for guidance, but should seek one-on-one consultation with a professional!

I like helping people and I found the advice on this site to be very useful. Thanks to everyone for contributing

Knucklez

I don't think that's really a concern. I think the best thing to do is to respond in an honest way, the way you'd respond to someone you care deeply about. Sometimes we have to say things that may not be too pleasant but that people need to hear.

Yeah totally agree with Val about the woman who asked for advcie on the cheating husband thread... Some advice can be a bit tough... but its true sometimes it needs to be heard...

However like GEOFF Said in another thread some hope is definitely needed at the beginning to ease your way into accepting what is going on..

BLUEROSE SUMS IT UP REALLY WELL HERE...
Having said that, I have come across a couple of 'tough' comments and worried about their affect on a young vulnerable person.

I think we should all pay head the topic of this thread. I think it is VERY important.