You have now done no contact, You are no longer in the needy, desperate unatractive stage, no longer hounding, harassing or stalking your ex. So you are no longer pushing them away. Now you need to REBUILD the relationship if not to late.


ATTITUDE – Get an attitude adjustment first. Lighten up and do a 180-degree about face. Read the Sunday comics, grab an old comic book, turn on the Comedy channel, watch funny videos or DVDs. Get in a better mood and pass it along to your mate. Invite your mate to tune in to comedy with you, too.

2. FRIENDSHIP – Go back to being friends for starters now that you’re in a good mood. Forget the love stuff, if you want. And just focus on being good friends; share compliments, do things for one another, go out and have fun together, enjoy one another’s company.

3. RELAX – Let your hair down. Trust and relax. Be yourself. Don’t let old wounds open or fester. Forget the garbage memories and just be in the here and now together.

4. TIME OUT – If possible, spend extra time together for awhile, like during your original courting days. Hire a sitter, order out, eat at fast food places, grab ice cream cones and go for walks in the park. Get to know each other all over again. That’s the key. Then you’ll remember why you fell for each other in the beginning and history will hopefully repeat itself.

5. COMMUNICATION – Take it slow and easy. Keep away from subjects that you don’t agree upon. And slowly re-learn to communicate with each other all over again. If necessary, and it’s not a crime or shame – get help. Seek a trusted friend or adviser, a church clergy member or certified professional counselor. No need to go it alone. Find your weak areas and how to over come them and plan for future communication difficulties.

6. GOALS – Gradually develop goals together so you’ll have a direction to head. Write them down in a notebook just for the two of you. And over time, develop them, revise them, cross them off your list. The idea is to HAVE goals together and work towards a common goal.

7. SCRAP BOOK – Create a memory album together. Add photos, clippings, menus and anything that reminds you of the “good times.” Then when tough times comes, you’ll have something to “hold on to” – your bridge to romance.

So don’t just sit back and sulk. Take short steps to improve your relationships and let life’s problems magically pass by while you hold on to your relationship

Acknoledgement of others.


For all those who recognise parts of this thread. I am trying to provide from the help and advice of others a single direction and answers for everyone.

The information provided here has been taken from the very wise experts on here, who have helped me in my time of need.

Thank you all
4answers.

PS. If anything can be added to make these more appropriate please do so. Lets help others as they have helped us.

Yes I think that sounds good... after the months of no contact of course...

So has anyone tried all this??

Or does everyone just run onto another relationship without trying to work out the old one??

so has anyone tried all this???

or does everyone just run onto another relationship without trying to work out the old one??????????????I'm married now but when a girlfriend and I broke up that was it for me, no trying to get back together, no reminiscing, etc. Basically I'm of the feeling that if it's not mutual then what's the point. I'd stay single for a while, enjoy myself and something always came along. No drama required.

I think that reconciling might also depend on how deep the relationship was... I mean if it was a few months or maybe ayear with a lot of fighting, then what's the point and why would you miss that... If it were a long time with a lot invested and a deep relationship, then I would see why to reconcile... I have never done this, but I'm hoping it will work for me now.

so has anyone tried all this???

or does everyone just run onto another relationship without trying to work out the old one??????????????Rol -
I successfully worked out the old one Rol but with different circumstances and actions involved. It was a separation instead of a break and the efforts involved were considerably more substantinal and directed at relationship issues than the generalized ones listed here. The information here seems like something out of a magazine from the 70's. I think we know so much more these days and aren't taken in so easily. As Dr Phil would say, how's this working for you? "Take short steps to improve your relationships and let life's problems magically pass by while you hold on to your relationship." You can certainly try this but I just don't think it will work since its generalized to the point of ineffective. Its not based in reality since it contends that you still have a relationship, its not identifying the specific problems (and they do vary), and not concrete enough in its plan for change. It would be better suited for dating advise-- now there is a lost art! But you are on to the real test of it Rol. Stuff that comes out of books and magazines is only useful if it holds up in the real world.

4answers -
Its only fair that the original author/source be given credit for any cut & pasted material. Hopefully who posted it here to begin with can tell us who that is?

HAHA.. I don't know if Dr. Phil is always the right person for advice!

<<It was a separation instead of a break and the efforts involved were considerably more substantinal and directed at relationship issues than the generalized ones listed here.>>

Exactly those issues are fundamental befiore getting back together again..

So in my case after he dropped the bombshell in May that he needed time to think and that he we could start over again from scratch eventually, and that it was not a breakup and not a short break, that he needed to reinvent his life .I did this above approach.

As I was trying to be understanding I didn't badger him with any question when we would get together,

So we would meet and have a great time laughing and having fun.

He rang and we met every month or so.

In August (the day after our 'supposed wedding') we spent the whole day together and night. He was the one who made the moves and as I thought we were getting back together(big mistake I didn't ask any questions!! )

Then we had arranged to got to a concert a few days after and when we met he was distant again so then I kind of flared up and told him OK I need space now and he said no no.

Then his mother came and we all went out for dinner like nothing had happened!

(im wondering how I was so patient actually now looking back!! )

And then in October the last time we talked he would also have made some moves but I had to talk and ask finally what we were doing...

So the approach could work if you are very strong... and depending a lot on the situation.

And my question is also will I eventually go back to doing that again now that I know where exactly where I stand and when I get fully whole again and discussing the deep issues as Val said..

And I really wish I had found this website in May instead of October.

<<
i really wish i had found this website in May instead of October.


Here here

HAHA.. I don't know if Dr. Phil is always the right person for advice!
Look, did I say he was? No. You missed the point. I simply questioned (using Dr Phil's way of questioning) how well the suggestion that was offered was going to work. It is a valid thing to question, is it not? What constructive thing did you mean with your confused and confusing remark here?

And Rol, we have talked some about what happened in your relationship and I thought where we left it, you identified some very specific problems on your side of the equation. Sidetrack into this all you like, if that's what you are doing (I am not really sure what you are doing LOL) but it won't change the problems that you identified nor will it solve them. So what is your question to me here?

My question is .
Do you think that if I get my issues together and try and uncover why I helped to create a dependent relationship... and if he reinvents himself and gets back to being independent also that we could go back to talking and try and work things out really communicating properly and trying to understand together what happened? Could this be fixed ?

And if I had come here in May what advice would you have offered? Would it be the above?

my question is .
Do you think that if i get my issues together and try and uncover why i helped to create a dependent relationship...and if he reinvents himself and gets back to being independent also that we could go back to talking and try and work things out really communicating properly and trying to understand together what happened? could this be fixed ?

and if i had come here in May what advice would you have offered? would it be the above?

I'm sure it's possible. But after you've been through so much and made so many positive changes to yourself, the real question becomes will you want to?

I don't think it is impossible to get together again with a lost love. The catch in it though is that you whould WANT to get back together. You shouldn't plan it, as that is the same thing as wanting it. If the thread above is interpreted as a "strategy" to win your ex back then you better hold on to the NC thing for a few more months. But, in fact, if you will get back together, it will occur in that way.
Actually I have a great example for this. A friend of mine (female) dumped her boyfriend of 3 years when she was 18 yrs old. Basically because she was going to college and wanted to enjoy life while she was young. There were some other issues too but this was the main one. This guy was obviously heartbroken, he begged, he cried, he called all the time etc. All in vain. However, even though she didn't want him back, the girl never stopped "loving" him and they maintained close contact. Off course the consequences of being friends while one of the partners want to be more than a friend results in even more heartbreak. When she would have a relationship with another man, this guy would always give her a hard time because he couldn't let it go. Eventually, it came to a point when my friend was sort of "disgusted" by her ex's needy behaviour and at that point, she thought it was over for good. Sooo, 5 (!) years later, this guy finally pulls himself together and gets over it.He has a new long-term girlfriend and is just doing fine. Now here it comes: when my friend saw that her ex was suddenly over her and doing fine, she suddenly realized that he had "changed". She did everything that was in her pwer to get him back again, which wasn't really easy and it didn't work out too. I'm just giving this example to say that everything is possible. But you shouldn't worry about it so much. "Do not worry about things falling into place, where they fall, is the right place"

I don't think it is impossible to get together again with a lost love. The catch in it though is that you whould WANT to get back together. You shouldn't plan it, as that is the same thing as wanting it. If the thread above is interpreted as a "strategy" to win your ex back then you better hold on to the NC thing for a few more months. But, in fact, if you will get back together, it will occur in that way.
"


No contact does allow you to emotionaly withdraw and gain control of your emotions and if done long enouth the feelings will diminish as other higher value things enter you life, i.e. time is a great healer.

But here is a thought: If you were originally attracted to the person enough to want to go out with them, then you displayed this in your interactions with them.

If you parted because of something other than the loss of these feelings. Then no contact will get you over the desperation and neediness back to where you started. i.e. you are still attracted to the person.

So start again, without the mistake / issues of the past.

( Is it really right to kill of your feelings for someone if the relationship did not end due to lack of feelings ? ).

And what if the relationship ends due to someone outside having influence and ending it... the stress is too much and therefore the ex needed the break?

my question is .
Do you think that if i get my issues together and try and uncover why i helped to create a dependent relationship...and if he reinvents himself and gets back to being independent also that we could go back to talking and try and work things out really communicating properly and trying to understand together what happened? could this be fixed ?

and if i had come here in May what advice would you have offered? would it be the above?
I think those issues are best handled while there still IS a relationship and with the guidance of a professional counselor. And even then its hard and it doesn't always work out. To ask this of you two after its over and without professional help seems to me like you are asking "the man with the broken legs to run the 100 yard dash" -- its almost an unkind thing to say to you "go for it" to me. You have a big desire to be hopeful here and while you have that desire you are probably not seeing things so clearly. The odds of each of you successfully and independently fixing yourselves and then finding each other and there being a new spark that equals or surpasses the old one seems so astronomical to me -- which is why I would LOVE to hear from someone who experienced that. I would have LOTS of eager questions.

Had you come here in May, I probably would have employed the same process I did now, found the same problems and recognising how big they are, suggested seeing a counselor together. We do that all the time here because it's the best answer. LOL

and i really wish i had found this website in May instead of October.

You an me both rol, except me in September instead of the end of October... Never mind, I found it now and I even found Mr Miagi's wise wife to point me in the right direction... LOL

I'm sure it's possible. But after you've been through so much and made so many positive changes to yourself, the real question becomes will you want to?

Also rol, if you subsequently discover that nothing has really changed on his part, you may find that you don't really want to sort it all out. Someone could then end up getting hurt again and his feeling count as yours do..

I know you know this rol but just pointing it out...

Here's one 4answers,

Can lack of feelings or undertainty about how the dumper feels reignite feelings once the dumper has gone fishing and realised that the one they left behind was actually good for them?

I think I speak from my perspective of what happened to me. I still don't think it would work out anyway, even if she did learn that... Damage done..

Anyway, what do you think?

<<The odds of each of you successfully and independently fixing yourselves and then finding each other and there being a new spark that equals or surpasses the old one seems so astronomical to me -- which is why I would LOVE to hear from someone who experienced that. I would have LOTS of eager questions.
>>

I've seen such a story on another board.. he replied to me in fact as he thought our situations were very similar... his girlfriend left him after 4 years to find her independence,he initiated NC right away, 5 months of it. He worked on himself and 2 years later they got back together and he said it is the best thing that ever happened to them. Ill send you the link if you want , it was good reading and very well wrote.

So start again, without the mistake / issues of the past.
There is the big lie people tell themselves. That coming together will be different and it isn't, not without substantial and real change that was SPECIFIC to those problems. Otherwise you are shooting in the dark about what the problems were and changing anything you can think of hoping for the best, not knowing. That just doesn't cut it very much of the time, I don't think.

<<. Ill send you the link if you want , it was good reading and very well wrote.


Yes that would be good.


As far as two people getting together after no contact, I would guess that both have to communicate more than they did in the first place.

<<The odds of each of you successfully and independently fixing yourselves and then finding each other and there being a new spark that equals or surpasses the old one seems so astronomical to me -- which is why I would LOVE to hear from someone who experienced that. I would have LOTS of eager questions.
>>

ive seen such a story on another board..he replied to me in fact as he thought our situations were very similiar...his girlfriend left him after 4 years to find her independence,he initiated NC right away, 5 months of it. he worked on himself and 2 years later they got back together and he said it is the best thing that ever happened to them. Ill send you the link if you want , it was good reading and very well wrote.
LOL You still aren't hearing me or getting it. Gosh Rol anyone can say that happened to them so a story about it isn't going to help me. I want to be able to ask questions to 1) verify it happened as we are thinking it did and 2) to find out what information we all might be missing about how its done - very crucial stuff, I would think?? :p

Well u can go and check the link and ask the nice guy to come here and tell us all!! :))

well u can go and check the link and ask the nice guy to come here and tell us all!!! :))

I think val is trying to say that you shouldn't think that what happened to that other guy will automatically happen to you. You need to let go of the hope you have of getting back with your SO. Using the success stories of others to validate your own hope of reconciliation doesn't help, and will hurt all the more when it doesn't come true.

<<The odds of each of you successfully and independently fixing yourselves and then finding each other and there being a new spark that equals or surpasses the old one seems so astronomical to me -- which is why I would LOVE to hear from someone who experienced that. I would have LOTS of eager questions.
>>

ive seen such a story on another board..he replied to me in fact as he thought our situations were very similiar...his girlfriend left him after 4 years to find her independence,he initiated NC right away, 5 months of it. he worked on himself and 2 years later they got back together and he said it is the best thing that ever happened to them. Ill send you the link if you want , it was good reading and very well wrote.

Who is this guy rol, it would be interesting to get him into the discussion...

I agree with val also that sometimes a story has much more to it and nothing is black an white..

But rol, who is he?? Maybe he can provide insight...

<<I think val is trying to say that you shouldn't think that what happened to that other guy will automatically happen to you. You need to let go of the hope you have of getting back with your SO. Using the success stories of others to validate your own hope of reconciliation doesn't help, and will hurt all the more when it doesn't come true.>>

NO I am not thinking that AT ALL!! AND VAL does seem to be deperately asking for someone to come and tell their success story> isn't it Val? So that she can ask a few questions

But rol, who is he?? Maybe he can provide insight...

I've sent him a message to come and tell about what happened.

<<I think val is trying to say that you shouldn't think that what happened to that other guy will automatically happen to you. You need to let go of the hope you have of getting back with your SO. Using the success stories of others to validate your own hope of reconciliation doesn't help, and will hurt all the more when it doesn't come true.>>

NO i am not thinking that AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!AND VAL does seem to be deperately asking for someone to come and tell their success story> isnt it Val? so that she can ask a few questions
LOL I am not the one who is desperate Rol. I have a relationship and its working fine. I am suggesting that people hurting from a break up may be desperate and out of that desperation believe all kinds of things that don't have enough meat in them to warrant that kind of trust and belief. It's a long known fact that there is nothing the snake oil hawker likes better than some good old fashioned down home desperation.

Hmmmmm,

Success stories can create false hope and the belief that we can replicate the same outcome in our own situation.

At the end of the day, this creates a more painful situation where we struggle to find hope when there really isn't any.

Not directing this at anyone specifically, I am just providing a statement that focuses more on reality than fantasy..

I'm sure there are success stories and in fact I partly saw one in my own life with a friend years ago.

Well, he met his fianc&#233; really young, at 19, she was 17, they were together for 2 years, split up for 1 year, got back together again for 1 year, split up again for 6 months, got back together again for 6 months, got married and have been married for the last 3 years. I have not seen him for 3 years and yet bumped into him a few months back and guess what he said??

"Geoff, I'm married now and separated"

So I ask myself, was this a success story or some kind of twisted relationship based on a compulsion to split up and get back together again... I put it down to him being young when he met her and her vise versa yet he basically spent the first 10 years of his adult life breaking up and getting back together with the same person...

Don't ask me, who knows what goes through some peoples minds...

<<snake oil hawker likes better than some good old fashioned down home desperation.
>>

Ha ha what??
OK folks I'm off home, talk to ye on Monday! Have a nice weekend :)

I would have to disagree... I don't really think that someone hurting is let's say "desperate"... I would say maybe confused as to what had happened in sudden breakups and therefore maybe need to have closure for themselves... Everyone has hope... I think that if people didn't have hope (no matter what situation), I think that person doesn't always feel with their heart. You need have have hope sometimes...

I would have to disagree... I don't really think that someone hurting is let's say "desperate".... I would say maybe confused as to what had happenned in sudden breakups and therefore maybe need to have closure for themselves.... Everyone has hope... i think that if people didn't have hope (no matter what situation), I think that person doesn't always feel with their heart. You need have have hope sometimes....
I didn't say that they all were desperate. I used the word "may" knowing that it meant some might be, some might not be.

As for confusion, here is what everyone who has been left knows: there was a problem big enough to end the relationship over**. Now often ex's don't help in clarifiying -- that's for sure. But what many people who were left immeditately do instead of dealing with that** is they look for anything else they can deal with to distract themselves from the terrible truth. It's a kind of defense reaction, understandable too since they have been hurt. And that really adds to the confusion. But when that part of it goes on too long, they begin confusing who is adding the confusion-- them or the ex. And then all kinds of blame to the ex begins, some of which ISN'T their fault. Oy. And around and around it goes.

Hope is good but its better if its grounded in reality, in truth, in realistic things, don't you think? False hope is a way to delay the pain, sure but here is the clincher-- it increases the real pain you eventually feel tenfold. Now who you going to blame for that? So if you haven't gone through some sorting process by which you have separated fasle hope (wishful thinking) from realistic hope, well what then?

Hope is good but its better if its grounded in reality, in truth, in realistic things, don't you think? False hope is a way to delay the pain, sure but here is the clincher-- it increases the real pain you eventually feel tenfold. Now who you gonna blame for that? So if you haven't gone through some sorting process by which you have seperated fasle hope (wishful thinking) from realistic hope, well what then?

Mrs Myagi,

You know I have utmost respect for your knowledge and answers.

May I ask a question though..

How does one separate false hope from realistic hope?

How does one separate false hope from realistic hope?

Ahhh touché Geoff... that is something we all would desperately like to be able to see with our own eyes.

Mrs Myagi,

you know I have utmost respect for your knowledge and answers.

May I ask a question though..?

How does one separate false hope from realistic hope?
Dear Geofferson-san,
There are many ways. My favorite is to look closely at my hope, find the belief in it and examine it carefully with both intuition (born out of experience) and the discernment I talked about in Post #7 in the other thread:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/1-heartbreak-no-contact-get-back-together-48712.html

Hope is a continuum that has very realistic hope on one end and false hope on the other. You can, of course, play the long odds of doubtful hope any time you wish -- just be sure to know that you are so when it doesn't work out, you can take it gracefully.

Some situations require more time than others to discern when the hope is false. I will give an example:
I worked at a Non-profit organization for twelve years that is governed by an elected board. Each year half the board is up for election and usually replaced with new people. It is an alll volunteer organization and I was the sole employee. The people on the board were often terrible (out of inexperience) and sometimes I would complain about some of their destructive actions. In the beginning they listened to me because they hired me while they were in trouble (long story I am leaving out).

When I was hired it had a financial reserve of $1,000 which I almost singularly built to $10,000 in three years, which is not a lot to begin with for the size of this business, by the way. But they stopped listening to me as new boards came along. They did not pass on the "value" of listening to me. Every time a new half board was elected, I hoped anew as I watched them slowly ruin the business and listen to me less and less. It slowly decline to less than $2,000. That was when the dishonesty about it started. I then realised new boards make no difference, I can do nothing to change the obvious direction and hope was indeed false. So I worked hard to get myself replaced and quit. You could say it took me nine years to figure out I needed to move my belief from realistic hope to false hope and that would be fair. One could argue that I left too soon, if they return to their profitable ways, and I would shrug and wonder if it didn't somehow take me leaving for that to occur too. At any rate, I had seen enough.

However people who are on the backside of a break up don't have that kind of time and have far less to work with. And so discernment needs to be faster and its also much easier by having less to work with! Look at the facts you do have, look at what goes on in the world, and then ask yourself what can you point to specifically that has "Oh but this is the exception to the rule!" written all over it. If you cannot make a reasonable argument to yourself about why or even how this is going to be the exception, then I believe its best to acknowledge that and adjust hope accordingly. Ask any really successful person about hope as an element in their successes and they'll be able to give you a long list of things that must accompany it because hope alone won't get you there.

Good question that I hope LOL I have answered?

Love,
Mrs Miyagi

Mrs Myagi,

you know I have utmost respect for your knowledge and answers.

May I ask a question though..?

How does one separate false hope from realistic hope?
Good question geoff,
First you have to be healthy. Healthy enough to look at things and see what they are, not what you want them to be. Healthy enough to make decisions based on facts not fantasy. Healthy enough to see when a red flag blows in the wind and can make the decision to examine it and take the warning instead of jumping head long into something you know is foolish, but hope it works. Healthy enough to see yourself, for who you are, and to live life on its own terms. Healthy enough to make judgements concerning your well being, and not some foolish hope. I will admit that this is also a product of experience and growing. Healthy people do not build a life based on the unknown, they build it according to what they know, about life, people, the world around them, and what they know about themselves. The more you know about yourself, the harder for someone to use, abuse, and misuse you. Do you ever notice that healthy things GROW, and unhealthy things DIE? The key to life is to be healthy, happy and steadily growing. Anything else is BS. There's much more but being healthy is a good start.

The more you know about yourself, the harder for someone to use, abuse, and misuse you. .

Wow. Anyone know a good engraver? Need to get that one engraved in my brain or anywhere that is feasible.

Terrific Tal... & thank you.

Kind of like this then...

Good judgement of how the world works, what happens in the real world from what you know of it either through experience or good judgement or both will determine how quickly false hope can be relaced with realistic hope or a realistic outcome..

:confused: myself writing this..

LOL

I think I know what I meant but I think a few heads may be scratched here..

Wow. Anyone know a good engraver? Need to get that one engraved in my brain or anywhere that is feasable.

Terrific Tal...& thank you.

I'll take a look on eBay for you! :)

LOL Geoff,

But it must I repeat must be a pain free process... please :)

Well isn't there something they say about all good judgement comes from bad experiences...
And so then where does bad experience come from... bad judgement! LOL

I'm coo coo for cocoa puffs! (makes the pointy finger circles next to her head now LOL)

Well isn't there something they say about all good judgement comes from bad experiences...
and so then where does bad experience come from... bad judgement! LOL

Coo Coo for cocoa puffs!

And that my friends just sums it up. Perfect again Val.

must be a pain free process...please :)

Don't worry Allheart, brain engraving is a painless procedure. There are no nerve endings in the brain!! :D

LOL Geoff,

but it must I repeat must be a pain free process...please :)

Perhaps one of those henna tattoos then? They can be replaced monthly..

Also, if you change your mind about how you feel about tal's response, you could always get it replaced with a different one.. LOL

Don't worry Allheart, brain engraving is a painless procedure. There are no nerve endings in the brain!!!:D

Oh yeah,

Forgot that...

Hannibal lector pointed that out in that film...

But I thought Allheart wanted it engraved on her head??

You would have to give her some painkillers to take the top off would you not?

Sorry for drifting off topic... :o

Nah, just numb the scalp up a little bit!!

LOL all over the place. Thanks J_9 and Geoff. Belly laughs to boot :)
I missed Tals advice about just replacing the brain with a new one. He always has the best darn advice... now why didn't I think of that :):):) LOL Need to give him the rep on that one :).

Sorry guys if I took this astray.

Great Great Great points Tal and Val. Think I will get that engraved as well... save me from typing it all the time... but soooo true :).

As to this post, what drew me here in the first place was the actions of some of our members who refuse to see no contact for what it is. True as you get healthy and feel better your outlook is more positive, you feel stronger and the first thing you think of is your ex and what got you to this forum in the first place. It has been my experience in seeing people grow, and really be healthy, their ex is the last thing on their minds, let alone go back to them. But I've seen this reaction to get the ex back and live happily ever after, many times before, usually with bad results. The thing is where you may feel better, and have grown, and changed, what makes you think that the ex has, and even wants to try again? That's a FALSE hope based on feelings that are part of your past. So I will submit as fact, that the very ones who hold out hope to get the ex back, are fooling themselves and are not healthy enough to look past the fantasy and deal with reality. If they stay on the course, I am sure like others have done, they will change their minds, and look at reality and work to be healthy and happy. That's the whole point. That original post has so many holes in it, I consider it BS.

:o And if this isn't just too me me me LOL...
I would like to go on record as being one of the more hopeful people I know, largely because I frequently see what is possible where others do not. Reality does have a way of demonstrating what is possible, if you open to that lesson. That's why I fancy myself as living there! :D

WOW Tal----thank you!!

Here is how to tell if your ex is interested in you -- if they are contacting you and saying that, then they are!
And once and for all... there just isn't any magic way to "make" them do that. Peroid!

Here is how to tell if your ex is interested in you -- if they are contacting you and saying that, then they are!
And once and for all... there just isnt any magic way to "make" them do that. Peroid!

Yep, this is reality..

Like my ex, she has not contacted me in 3 1/2 months. Any contact was instigated from me in the first month... She does not want me(at least now) and maybe never will again.. I need to accept it :rolleyes: . Maybe it's better that way so I can find a gal that does..

You can't make someone want you, they need to make their own decision to want that..

I put my faith in the good lord that he is watching me and hears my heart, my mind, my soul... Which I believe he does...

It all happens for a reason... ;)

Tal great points again. So agree about getting healthy and feeling better and first inclination is to reach back to the ex. You know you are completely over them when they are no longer in your thoughts.

The great thing about all of this incredible insight is that it not only applies to ex situtations but just life in general. These valuable lessons and insights about relationships, not only apply to "dating" relationships, but marriage, friendships, work relationships, the whole gambit.

Just a healthy way to be all around.

Tal great points again. So agree about getting healthy and feeling better and first inclination is to reach back to the ex. You know you are completely over them when they are no longer in your thoughts.

When I am completely over my ex (and I am definitely not yet) I will be throwing a major party and you are all invited.:)

When I am completely over my ex (and I am definately not yet) I will be throwing a major party and you are all invited.:)
Ooooh, I'll bring brownies! (LOL now now, straight ones!) :p

Oh Geoff,

I did LOL. Sorry, with you not at you. I just love parties, but you should throw yourself one NOW, as you are doing great and will continue to do so.

But I graciously accept the invite and Allheart never needs a reason to shop for a new dress, (think I need to search for help on this topic, nah, I have too much shopping to do :)

Ooooh, I'll bring brownies!! (LOL now now, straight ones!) :p

What is a brownie, is that some sort of home made chocolate chip cookie...

Sorry if I am being obtuse... :)

Ooooh, I'll bring brownies!! (LOL now now, straight ones!) :p

We could all dance too like wild indians... :eek:

What is a brownie, is that some sort of home made chocolate chip cookie....

Sorry if I am being obtuse...:)

Brownies are somewhere in between a cookie and a cake. And you are not being obtuse :)

What is a brownie, is that some sort of home made chocolate chip cookie....

Sorry if I am being obtuse...:)
OMG Geoff!! You have not lived until you have had a Simply Divine Brownie. I like "grasshopper" brownies--- with mint called "Mintuition".
I use the recipe from these people and they are to die for! They were recently featured on a morning TV show and I understand their phones rang off their hooks afterwards. I am happy for them -- they are good people.

www.simplydivinebrownies.com

Simply Divine Brownies
Trina and Meggen Beaulier

INGREDIENTS
• 1 pound unsalted butter
• 12 ounces semi-sweet chocolate
• 12 ounces unsweetened chocolate
• 1 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 cup light brown sugar
• 6 large eggs
• 4 tablespoons of vanilla extract
• 1 1/4 cup flour
• 1/2 teaspoon Kosher salt
• 1 tablespoon baking powder

DIRECTIONS
Pre-heat oven at 350 degress.
Melt butter in large pan on top of stove over medium heat.
When butter is bubbling, add semi-sweet chocolate, and unsweetened chocolate, and stir until melted.
Cool slightly.
Measure into a large bowl: sugar and light brown sugar. Add cooled chocolate mixture and beat for three minutes until smooth and glossy.
In a separate bowl, beat eggs until fluffy. Add vanilla extract. Add to chocolate mixture.
Sift together: flour, salt, and baking powder.
Stir into chocolate mixture.
Spray a half sheet baking pan with non-stick spray. Spread batter.
Bake for 30 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. Do not overbake.

Sorry, that was terribly offtopic, I know. My bad.

OMG Geoff!!! You have not lived until you have had a Simply Divine Heavenly Brownie.
I use the recipe from these people and they are to die for!

www.simplydivinebrownies.com

Hmmmmmm

YUM YUM, I think I had one of these not long ago but did not take in what it was called.. Probably more focused on the chocolate..

Val,

Oh yummy!! How do you go about getting the receipe/s. YUMMY!!

Val,

Oh yummy!!!! How do you go about getting the receipe/s. YUMMY!!!
They won't give out any recipe but their basic one I posted so I sort of fudge it (groans :p ) from there. The best I've done so far is to make almost like a cheesecake topping that is mmmmmminty flavored and then I like shaved chocolate on top, not drizzles. I've tried talking them into a brownie cook book and heard its on the drawing table for down the road, I believe. Frankly its all they can do to manage the phenomenal growth they are experiencing now.

Thanks Val, I will make some on Sunday...

Seriously..

I'll put one in a bottle and let it go in the English Channel all the way to the U S of A..

Not sure if it will be edible by the time it gets there though.. :p

OMG Geoff!!! You have not lived until you have had a Simply Divine Brownie. I like "grasshopper" brownies--- with mint called "Mintuition".
I use the recipe from these people and they are to die for! They were recently featured on a morning tv show and I understand their phones rang off their hooks afterwards. I am happy for them -- they are good people.

www.simplydivinebrownies.com

Simply Divine Brownies
Trina and Meggen Beaulier

INGREDIENTS
• 1 pound unsalted butter
• 12 ounces semi-sweet chocolate
• 12 ounces unsweetened chocolate
• 1 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 cup light brown sugar
• 6 large eggs
• 4 tablespoons of vanilla extract
• 1 1/4 cup flour
• 1/2 teaspoon Kosher salt
• 1 tablespoon baking powder

DIRECTIONS
Pre-heat oven at 350 degress.
Melt butter in large pan on top of stove over medium heat.
When butter is bubbling, add semi-sweet chocolate, and unsweetened chocolate, and stir until melted.
Cool slightly.
Measure into a large bowl: sugar and light brown sugar. Add cooled chocolate mixture and beat for three minutes until smooth and glossy.
In a separate bowl, beat eggs until fluffy. Add vanilla extract. Add to chocolate mixture.
Sift together: flour, salt, and baking powder.
Stir into chocolate mixture.
Spray a half sheet baking pan with non-stick spray. Spread batter.
Bake for 30 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. Do not overbake.

Sorry, that was terribly offtopic, I know. My bad.

THANKS VAL!! :)

Do I know how to start a thread or don't I.

Cracking conversations...

BROWNIES!!

Actually, I don't like brownies, but I bet val's are simply divine!!

Should have done NO CONTACT from day one so that she would have missed the good things about me. Value reversal for ex, her suffering as well and missing me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. = More open to possibility of reconciliation.

However did the Needy, obsessive ex, pushed her farther away, suffered greater rejection, reacted angrily to this and lashed out, pushing her farther away to point of not speaking to me. Then did no contact. Tried to be nice, but she already met my replacement, who due to the way I made her feel with the obsesivness, needyness, he will easilly make her feel better and she will forget how good I made her feel but instead be pleased to be with him instead of me !


OUCH! DOH!

NOT A SINGLE THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT ! Can't talk reason into her because she is acting on emotion. Right now receiving positive feelings and support from this guy because he is not hurting. Did not get this from me because I was hurting, but because she was thinking of her, not us. She only thought how she was feeling.

= Lover value for me and greater value for him. Pushed her in his arms !

Hind Sight 20 - 20.


Lesson Learnt. Don't always act on how you feel.



// This hurts !

How many post do you need to rant and rave or vent?? Seems like one will do it since we do have email notification.

I am not a big fan of no contact as a means of getting an ex back largely because I am not a fan of getting an ex back at all. But even if I were, I would not go for essentially manipulating them into it--that's crappy! Besides, its been proven to not work in a great big landslide of a majority of people and I tend to respect numbers like that. Almost anyone who got the ex back can tell you that they broke up again. Ask around, do the math and lets lay this urban myth to rest. Frankly, it only serves to fuel the sadly desperate and ill-concieved determination of those who are so codependent they are refusing to let go. You'd be better off investing in a print from the Paris Etching Society. LOL Crikey!

How many post do you need to rant and rave or vent???Seems like one will do it since we do have email notification.

Just putting things in a way that others may understand, who are going through similar.

I would have prevered to have this knowledge available to me in the past.

Hope it helps someone.

Look, it's over. Face it. I'm facing mine, now you face yours.

I'll tell you my story, I did the no contact thing from day 1, and it didn't work. I'm left pondering what if I did the begging him to stay, and trying to convince him method. But honestly, I think when your partner broke up with you, she already decided that it's over. So no matter what you did wouldn't have made a difference. Even if you did no contact, maybe she would still not come back.

Besides she find someone else already. Just move on. Quit being a cry baby. It's sucks, but it's over. Face it. Be a man do the right thing.

Oh also you did what you did, there's nothing you can do to change what you did. So stop thinking what would've happen if you did something else. You acted needy already, that's the reality. Ther'es nothing you can do to change that.

Unless you go invent a time machine. GOGOGO.. email me if you manage to make one, because I want to turn back time too.

Look, it's over. Face it. I'm facing mine, now you face yours.


Besides she find someone else already. Just move on. Quit being a cry baby. It's sucks, but it's over. face it. Be a man do the right thing.


Bit harsh, but point well taken. Guess I am just trying to make sense of it in my mind. We all do. Part of the letting go and moving on. Using this site to express the feelings inside as a healing tool, that's all.

Yeah, we all try to make sense of it in our mind. We all go through the "what if" stage, but at some point you really need to face reality, and stop dreaming. I'm telling you, you're just going to end up getting hurt over and over again. Well, maybe sometimes hurting helps you move on, because it definitely helped me. I coulnd't stop wondering if I still had a chance, until my ex put it bluntly to me that he doesn't care about how I feel anymore.

I think your ex pretty much showed you that it's over. So get your act together. The sooner you can let go, the sooner it'll stop hurting. By letting go I mean like stop thinking what you could've done. What is done is done.

She might be perfect when you guys were together, but now that she doesn't want you anymore. She's no longer perfect. Sure you see the potential of how she could be like, if you guys are still together, but the point is you guys broke up. She won't be spending time and effort to make you feel better anymore. I mean is it even necessary for her? Look from her point of view. She's happy where she is, why bother caring about how you feel, and make herself feel bad. Remember this, most people are selfish, especially during break ups.

I hope this help. I talked to my older bro, and he helped me a lot. He basically just smacked me with reality, and he's so much more mature than I am. Talking to someone with more experience definitely helps. So I suggest you go talk to someone, let all your feelings out, tell them how you feel, ask the questions you're wondering. And hopefully they can give you some good reality answers. (and I don't mean by askign someone on forum, they can't talk to you as much, and you can't express yourself as welll over a forum.)

hopefully they can give you some good reality answers. (and I don't mean by askign someone on forum, they can't talk to you as much, and you can't express yourself as welll over a forum.)
I disagree with this big time as I think this is the perfect place to come for what ails you. You think a friend would get tired of the crying?

I disagree with this big time as I think this is the perfect place to come for what ails you. You think a friend would get tired of the crying?


I don't know, my friends actually call me to see if I'm OK. They are the one that wants me to talk to them about it. I guess it depends. My friends are really helpful though.

4answers,
I feel for you brother, please do vent it out!
But you need to give up this, she's happy with another, just let it go. If you love her you must leave her alone, let her be happy, hard as it is. Then forgive her and yourself, and let yourself be happy too. You are clingling to this hope that has almost disappeared - exactly the way I did just a couple of weeks ago. I too, wept like crazy in my thread seeking consolation, until Talaniman (hi and thanx)) !) and other kind people shook me up. Once you accept it, you'll calm down. Then just look inside yourself. Read Zen books, some find it helpful if you''re into that sort of things. It's going to be much better. Take good care of yourself!

No contact is important ALSO becausre it helps YOU move on to Mr./Mrs. Right.

It's called a break - becAUSE IT WAS PROBABLHY BROKEN. You already did WAY too much damage to get that perosn back. Being all needy, obsessive, jealous during the relationship won't bring that person back.

You need to learn from the past relationships. Move on.

Resisting what is, denying reality, refusing to accept... is a painful activity. "What if" thoughts are an extension of that painful resistance. There are no "what ifs" to learn in this. Only "what nexts". The sooner you stop resisting, the sooner that pain will end and the pain of it being over can be worked on to lessen it too.

I'll never be able to understand why it's better to simply kill the affection of somebody you cared for so much, but apparently that's the way it has to happen... Everyday I regret the friend that I lost. I could enver kiss her again if only to have that friend back. But would a true friend really turn their back on me, as she did?

I don't know. I just hope that I didn't force her into it...

Don't mind me, just voicing the pathetic immaturity in all of us...

I will a few more things here 4answers, you are focusing way too much on the good things about her and less about the bad things about her and your relationship. You keep punishing and blaming yourself and it is not ALL your fault.

Quit analysing.. That might be rich coming from me because I did the same but I am trying to pass on what I know to be true and the path I see for you which is forwards rather than backwards.

Val wrote this to me in one of my threads and I think that you could take something from this... I was blaming myself over and over when in fact, I don't think it was about me for the most part but I was reaching out for some confirmation as Val puts it that it was in some way my fault. You do this 4answers and it must stop, I'm not trying to say that you think you are a loser but you do blame yourself a lot and I must say that I have done this too.


Quit looking to the world for confirmation that you are some kind of loser. That is YOU doing that, not her. Read those last two sentences here again. LOL Look more objectively at self please, practice better science. Grrrrrrr. LOL Okay?

This is not maths either!! There might have been nothing you could have done to avoid this situation!

I don't believe there is anything I or anyone else here at AMHD can say to change what you are doing, you need to want that inside, you need to want to let go before you begin to really listen. At the moment I think you are only listening to one person>>>>Yourself!!

What is done is done! Learn from it!

You can turn this into a positive learning experience you know, you really can.

I think you need counseling!!

You are obsessing way too much about this. And you still don't get the point of no contact!!

By the way 4answers, I don't mean what I said to sound like you should not vent because this is very positive. You just need to change your venting in my opinion to something constructive, something that better illustrates your willingness to move on rather than about what you should have done in the past to win something back that has gone!

I wish you well and I know you will get there! :)

Hi 4Answers - Gosh, I just hate to see someone hurting. So does everyone else here and I think that is what is behind all their words.

Someone once told me, that the grieving of an actual death of a loved one, is somewhat similar to the grieving of a relationship that is now over. I know that is sad, and I hope I didn't make you feel worse.

But it does have similarites - Missing them, what ifs, what should I have done, what didn't I do.

We all go through the grieving process when we loose someone. But we may all go at a different rate. Some slower than others and some like lighteining speed just to get through it. The important thing, is not so much the speed of it, but that each minute of each day, is one more minute closer to you reaching acceptance and finally healing.

I feel for you 4answers, I truly do, as everyone does. You go at the rate that you need to but ask yourself are the actions you are taking, are the thoughts that you are having, moving you forward, or keeping you in a backward motion.

We are always here for you :)

I also mean it with respect 4answers when I say you may need to talk to someone. I have watched every thread since you came here. I have felt your pain and fully understand what your going through. BUt I just think you aren't quite understanding the concepts behind what is suggested to you. You still after all this time think that the reason you cut contact with her was to get her back.

Big big mistake and that is the main reason why your still hurting so much! If you could just understand that reason you cut contact with the ex is for yourself, to work on you, think about your own situation etc. then I think you would have come much farther by now. BUt rather you have spent this whole time obsessing about her and wondering what she is feeling and how you can get her back. Don't you see that this is huge road block in your healing path. It is preventing you from making any progress at all!

BUt i just think you arent quite understanding the concepts behind what is suggested to you. You still after all this time think that the reason you cut contact with her was to get her back.

Excellent stuff Skell... Furthermore, I would say that 4answers is either not understanding this concept or is in huge denial about the reality of the situation...

I fear that the latter is further to the truth!

I think you are spot on Geoff! Spot on!

He is in massive denial. He still thinks that she is coming back if he follows some sort of text book or plan. Not the case and it won't work!!

The reality of the situation is 4answers that you now have NO OTHER OPTION but to move on and cut contact. Do you think continuing to live the way you have these past months is healthy or enjoyable??

Please know we only want what is best for you and it is why we are trying so hard to get it through to you what you need to do!!

I parted with someone many years back, regretted this and tried to get the person back. However since I have not met another, I find myself really missing her. Stupid really as if I met her know, she would not be the same person I loved and the things that anoyed me about her would also be there.

But it really hurts losing that love ! Anyone one else feel like this, and how do you come to terms with these feelings?

The reason you haven't meant anyone else is because you are still tied up in this ex. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. You need to move on. That relationship ended for a reason and you are focusing on it as a means to avoid being hurt again (I imagine).

The reason you haven't meant anyone else is because you are still tied up in this ex. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. You need to move on. That relationship ended for a reason and you are focusing on it as a means to avoid being hurt again (I imagine).


Thanks for the reply. Normally I would agree, but its been over 7 years and I have been with other women since then. But I have never met anyone with whom I have had a good connection, which results in me missing my ex ! Silly, as she is now married with kids...

Its daft for me to feel this way, but feel it I do. Just wondered if others experience this ?

The one that got away? Put it down to experience and move on? You made a mistake, nothing you can do about it now is there.

You just have to remind yourself that that was then and this is now. You and she are both different people now, so it's true that you cannot recreate what you once had. As the old saying goes "you can never go back home again." Also remember that you broke up for a reason. You yourself said that there were things about her that annoyed you. If it wasn't right then, then it isn't going to be right now.

If your ex changes her phone number, so that automatically means she is over u, especially if you have a cycle of getting back togeher

We could all dance too like wild indians.....:eek:
Well, u mean native americans or Indians in Aisa?:confused: I only know how to dance like the Asian-Indian in India:p

Well, u mean native americans or Indians in Aisa?:confused: I only know how to dance like the Asian-Indian in India:p

Well, I think you would do just fine! :)

May I bring Sushi then?

May I bring Sushi then??

Whatever floats your boat.

What you going to bring?

what you gonna bring??

Well... If they let me in, I would bring spicy pappadoms.

Yuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmm!! :rolleyes:

Well...If they let me in, I would bring spicy pappadoms.

Yuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! :rolleyes:

Hm... never had it, will be interesting to try it.:)

May I play this song? http://6.cn/player.swf?vid=OvDHtp4lPWDdnasGxeopdA :rolleyes:

Talk to Ex's

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Of the loving relationships I have had that have not worked out, I have a desire / need for an understanding of the why's and wherefores of the relationship failure.


As a person I cannot accept, forgive or come to terms with that which I do not understand.

I would therefore like to talk to my ex's to discuss what went wrong. Is this feeling wrong? Should I ask them for this or is this just a need in me. Do others feel this way or do you simply shrug and say that one is over, lets move to the next ? I can't seem to do that. On any relationship where feelings were involved...

I would think you know what went wrong with the relationship. I don't need my ex to tell me what I need to work on. There is no need to ask them or contact them. You should be in touch with yourself enough to point out the areas of development you may have... on the other hand, it may not have even been meant to be. Often times relationships just end. The two of you weren't meant to be... whatever.

Dear 4answers,
Many of us, similar to you, would like to know what went wrong and would appreciate feedback from an Ex, but the true is - it's just not realistic or appropriate to ask. Your Ex has (Exes have) probably long moved on forward to new things and new people. The fact that you can't let go, and get painstakingly hung up on one or various issues SO STRONGLY may be the KEY reason why your relationships don't work out. Not being able to mentally let go of one concern or event, can be a huge hindrance. It's a huge turn-off. Only you are dwelling on problems in your mind. Nobody else is in your mind. Your partner is probably living his or her life outside their head. I have a similar problem, (always stuck in my mind - not REALITY) but have learned when I must switch off my mind, and start living in the present. (don't dwell in past issues, GO FOR A LONG vigorous WALK - to raise the endorphen levels in your brain... and start something fresh that you enjoy.)

Seriously. Really. Exercise and read or engage yourself in a movie or go out to an event.
Don't live in your head. It will be a lonely life.

Well it is normal human nature to try to correct and fix things that are wrong. Your question really comes down to what kind of standings you and your ex hold each other in. If your still friends it's completely reasonable to ask maybe she might like to know as well. On the other hand if the night you broke up boils your blood and makes you remember a lot of screaming and things breaking I would let it go.

There is nothing wrong with self improvement. Like stated above though you should already have a pretty big clue in your head as to what turned you south.

Read my sig, that's enough to know why it went wrong.

This will have to be a one-way experience. If you're interested in getting feedback so you can possibly do better next time, I'm sure they'll provide you some. If what you want is a chance to tell them what they did wrong (and call the speech you give them "closure")... that's wrong. You'll need to let that part go.

I think you'd get good feedback if you asked specific questions in writing so as to not be too leading when you asked. Then, the answers should be given to you in writing so you don't get a chance to argue and interrupt.

In that setting, you would be forced to actually hear the answers fully and think about them. This might be very useful to you.

Meanwhile, I know you want this to be a conversation, but you can't force your opinion on these exes unless they ASK you for the feedback. I'd say most men aren't interested in it.

If you're open to the feedback yourself though, ask for it in writing so you have to listen. I bet that would be VERY good for you.

Let it go, and move on, as trying to get THAT kind of info from an ex is impossible and, simply because they don't know either. It didn't work, and the reason is really irrelevant.

An honest self evaluation will gain you more usable information, than any conversation with an ex will, and be less confusing.

Sometimes when something goes wrong is for a reason, maybe you will never know what the reason was... after all we should not be aware of everything... another fact is taking feedback from an ex can not make you a better person or change you as a person... it is only curiosity without meaning... I believe that you would like to know what went wrong in order to be a better person with the next but each one is different or you only stay tuned to your ex which is something unhealthy... ignore the past and focus your mind on the present and why not think for the future

Best wishes

I, like most people have struggled to make sense of breakups.

It seems strange that someone can go from being so loving, caring and supportive to someone then be so cold and uninterested!

I have an ex, who was well into me, wanted marriage etc. Now the relationship I had with this person means nothing at all to her.
--> for some reason my mind cannot come to terms with this. Sorry should I say my heart. My rational mind says feelings and emotional attachments change but my emotions cannot accept that something that once meant so much to her can mean nothing. If feels like deceit!!

Is it deceit !

Breakups are hard. I have had my share. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't share the same feelings for you. Take care of yourself, be good to yourself, good guys will find good girls.

It's not deceit. It's just a part of what we all go through in dating. I have been there too. Don't dwell on it. Move on.

I have fallen out of love and in my personal experience it was just that we grew in different directions.

I still love him as a friend,he was my first love.I stopped loving him romantically and I didn't want it to happen but sadly ,it did.

I don't think its deceit,I think people sometimes just fall out of love.

Everybody goes through this. If you want to understand how it works, read A General Theory of Love. It relates a lot to parenting, but explains how we are wired emotionally as children, and will give you insight about why you are feeling this way.

Amazon.com: A General Theory of Love: Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, Richard Lannon: Books (http://www.amazon.com/General-Theory-Love-Thomas-Lewis/dp/0375709223/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1239865926&sr=8-1)

Best thing you can do for yourself: Learn that people love and let go; then let go.

Don't give it meaning that it doesn't have. It's not deceit. It's your chance to understand how human beings work and to imagine how you will love the next person who opens your heart.

Its not so much deceit, as a change in feelings.

The whole problem is whether you can accept it, or not.

For sure you can't change the feelings of others, but must deal with your own.

I am curious at why some ex's don't talk.

If the relationship was a one night stand or a brief fling then those ex's always talk. But if the relationship lasted years and had genuine love in it,then why not talk and be on friendly terms.

Surly it should count for something, but to just not even have a friendship after a loving relationship, means it has less value than a one night stand ?


surly this is wrong??

Most are "ex's" because they were not talking or communicating when they were still together.

And normally when you are a ex one or both feel hurt and betrayed, and the last thing they want to do is be reminded of that by talking to your ex.

It is much harder to get over the other person having contact,
I know myself, since my ex and I have a son together, * he lives with me* but I have to see or talk to my ex almost daily, I pick him up from her house after school.

It took so long to get over her since I had to see her daily.

Because you invested time, emotions, money and other things on the relationship it's hard to remain on good terms when it's over.

It's usually the person that was dumped that wants to still be friends, the dumper just wants to cut their losses and go on with their lives.

Sometimes exes can be friends, but not usually right away.

I'm friends with a few of my exes, but it took many years before that happened.

For me, I don't talk to exes right away simply because the pain is too much at that time. After all of the emotional dust settles, then maybe a friendship can take place but I simply don't care to think about it much. If it happens, then it happens but I don't care.

You don't want to be reminded of the ex by talking to her all the time.

I would always be sick to my stomach every day if I talked to my ex casually. It just wouldn't be right.

Too much pain and heartache to deal with. If you keep in touch with a long term relationship spouse, you negate the use of NC, therefore healing.

My first love/lover and I are still friends. It took a long time to get there but he's one of the best friends I have.

We had the chemistry, the passion, but, had we stayed together, one of us would have killed the other by now, unless we stayed in the bedroom, then we'd be fine. ;)

Your ex owes you nothing so therefore he or she doesn't have to talk to you if they don't want to.

unless we stayed in the bedroom, then we'd be fine. ;)

Tell us what you mean by that. Don't be afraid to be specific.

Tell us what you mean by that. Don't be afraid to be specific.

Wrong thread! I can't hijack another, I'll be spanked! Wait, is that bad?

Don't tempt me, I do that all on my own! ;)

I agree that often it's too difficult for many people to remain friends after a breakup because one or both feels hurt or betrayed.

I personally am not friends with any of my exes. When it was over it was over. Time to move on.

Tried it once with someone that was really special to me. It became difficult to understand that we weren't "together" anymore. So I had to remove myself from the situation.

For many people, trying to be friends makes it very difficult to separate the two types of feelings. Was easier for me to get over the hurt by moving forward.

Chuff, I answered you question in the addiction thread. :)

I still talk to my ex (we were together 13 years). He is still one of my closest friends and in some respects we get on better now than when we were in a relationship.

We were in contact frequently when we first separated (which was amicable), and the contact did not hinder the healing process. In fact, I believe it facilitated it because we both knew with absolute certainty that the relationship was over, but were able to talk about it.

I got married about 4 years after we separated, and he came to the wedding. My husband gets on well with and respects him - they play music together - and we often go to music venues together.

I felt hurt, and pain and loss after our separation, but I was determined not to lose the love and friendship that we had forged over the 13 year relationship.

That determination, on both our parts, has paid off and I am now blessed with a wonderful friend!

Wow, I don't think I would do that or even ready to make friends with my ex. Odd how that worked out for you but good thing it did. Good for you.

For what ever reason you broke up, one of you may not be ready for friendship, because of all the emotions involved. There may not be the same attachments as with one night stands, so its easier to be friends. Sometimes when people move on they don't look back.

I can't be friends with my ex's. I hope their happy but I just can't do it. Sure JR high girlfriends sure. But sexual ones no. I think it just hinders my next relationship and causes problems. When I do get over them that's it no looking back. They usually hurt me and I won't let them do it to me again.

My ex wanted to be friends when she broke up with me, I told her I don't want to be friends. Now 2 years later I still will never be friends with her for using, lying and cheating on me.

My first girlfriend, from high school, it took me 4 years to finally become friends with her and now we are good friends. It took me that long to forgive her for what she had done to me, now my recent ex, we are civil but I don't consider it a friendship and I don't see myself ever being friends with her. 2 years and she breaks up with me over a text after telling my cousin she was going to do it

I think it really boils down to how everything ended and the people involved. If things ended amicably than friendship in the future could be a possibility. However if it ended badly, I don't think friendship is possible. Everyone handles things differently.

I'm still wondering if I could ever be friends with my ex. Right now, the pain is still to fresh to do anything. I'm thinking it will takes years for me to get to that point, if we don't completely lose contact by then.

My first girlfriend, from high school, it took me 4 years to finally become friends with her and now we are good friends. It took me that long to forgive her for what she had done to me, now my recent ex, we are civil but I don't consider it a friendship and I don't see myself ever being friends with her. 2 years and she breaks up with me over a text after telling my cousin she was going to do it

I hear you the way they go out effects how I feel about them. I've been dumped on the phone by email. And recently by IM. I don't know but it just doesn't set well with me. I suppose it shows how immature they are. I guess if you go out like a B**ch I eventually always think of you that way.

I wonder is sometimes you move on from somebody but then regret leaving the person behind.

Is the grass always greener.

Anyone ever found this and tried to go back ?

Sure, people do that all the time, its part of life and, like many other decisions that people make, when we move on to what was supposed to be "greener grass" we sometimes find a swamp.

I was in the Air Force in North Dakota and fell in love with a girl from a smalll town. When my enlistment was up, I had to decide whether to stay with her (which she wanted) or leave that place, which is quite desolate and artic in the winter, and return to suburbia. My home was in a college town in Maryland. Her father had a big farm machine business (harveting crops for farmers that didn't want to spend the money on the big machines) and I suppose I could have had a decent life had I stayed there.

I broke her heart and decided to come home to Maryland. But you know, what comes around, goes around. I later married a girl that I met on the University of Maryland campus. Turned out she had problems with fits of rage (Man, did I wish I was back in North Dakota after a few episodes of that stuff!), and when I suggested to her father that she should seek counseling, he instead financed a divorce in which she alleged incompatibility.

I told her that hey, if that is what she really wanted, fine, but once she made the decision to divorce I would never take her back. About six months after the divorce, she attempted suicide.

Life is full of stuff like like and the older you get the more you see.

Personally I think even if the 'dumper' did regret what they did.Because they had enough pride to 'dump' even with resistance they are probably the narcisssistic type,which means they would never admit they were wrong,sure they might feel it,but admit it? not unless they know they won't have rejection on your part.Conflict scares the out of them,trust me.

Yeah this question really interests me... I see to think that if u truly love someone they will come back... I did but he no longer wanted me back. He did but couldn't trust me anymore. Now I ask myself if he will ever regret turning me down for another girl.

My ex tried to come back, but I had already walked into a new room in a new hallway. It had a better view and much better interior

My ex didn't try to come back, but she did tell me that she now regrets "how" she ended things, ie; for two months straight, she lied to me about the affair she was having, even though I knew something was going on, and begged her to tell me. She finally broke down one night and told me she was in love with a mutual friend.

Time went on, and I'm in a happy, ten year relationship. She's still with our friend, but they are financially unstable and make foolish financial decisions. I know she misses my cooking!

Really, it doesn't matter. What matters is that we all move on, hopefully to happier situations.

Rome,had to spread the rep,but you can really turn a sentence.. good stuff..

To the op.
Sometimes when I look back I realise 1 or 2 of the guys I was with,really were not as bad as I thought at the time,I was never bloody happy with them!with the distance of time I can see clearly where I was at fault.
But I don't regret the breakups..

What I perceive to be greener grass,might be someone else's burned out ground.

I guess we learn as we go on to look around at the pasture were in,maybe it just needs a cut.

I think it can happen sometimes. Certainly the grass isn't always greener, in fact, rarely ever is the grass greener elsewhere. I think it certainly gives the jilted party a sense of satisfaction if there's ever an indication that the other person has regrets.

Once you've regreted ending something with someone, I find that you can never go back! Or that there's no point because it could never, deep down, be the same ever again.

It's a 50/50 chance that the grass is going to be greener on the other side! ;)

I have to admit that it gives a certain pleasure to know my ex is suffering and I know it is wrong. Really wrong. She dumped me for a guy who is returning to France and wants a long term relationship. She is quite sad and emotional and me on the other hand I'm doing better. Life is ironic.

I don't really bother to think about it much and really don't care if she regrets it or not. She broke-up with me for someone else. If that's what she wanted, why should she regret anything. That how everyone should feel about getting dumped.

I don't have enough time or feel like spending the emotional energy contemplating the what ifs anymore. If she has regrets... that's her problem, not mine!

My ex left me for someone who she said was the complete opposite of me. Does she regret it at the moment? I very much doubt it! Will she doubt it in the future; who knows? You can never really tell what someone really likes, or is attracted to. Most of the time that person doesn't even know themselves!

I've broken up with people before. I've been thinking about it vaguely, recently, and even contacted a couple of them. I tried to quantify if I felt anything for them still, and if I did, would it be worth going back, if the opportunity ever arose. If the connection was never there, we broke up due to personality clashes that neither had changed (although that's hard to ascertain sometimes), or they had text terrorised/begged for days/threatened to kill themselves then I just couldn't see myself even giving them the time of day, as sad it is. They'd lost my respect, and the connection wasn't there. However, with one of them I would give that second chance. Purely because that spark was still there when we spoke, we'd both improved, and they hadn't created a lot of drama when we broke up.

In summary: it depends on a lot of factors on both sides.

There are always regrets in every relationship that has ended, but the point is to learn from these so you don't make the same mistake twice.

What a great question. I know my exes haunt me sometimes, and I would hope I haunt them too, but I'll never know.

I was with my ex GF for 5 years and then I broke up with her. Then I dated someone else for 3 years. To tell you the truth. I do regret dumping my 1st GF of 5 years. The grass is not greener on the other side. It's just different (and in my case, less green on the other side).

Would I go back to my old GF of 5 years? Who knows, but I rather let time pass or date other before I make that decision. However, my old GF of 5 years was the best I ever had and I doubt I will meet somebody like her again.