This issue has been going on much to long and would like some external help and advice.

Your help is appreciated and thanks in advance.

My fiancée and myself are both in our late 20's and have been dating for over 6 years. We are engaged and getting married in a few months. Over the last half year or so there has been so much anger, hate, frustration between my mother and my future wife.

Lets start by saying for 5 years there were no issues between my future wife and mother. There were odd times the feeling of "recieving the cold shoulder" at times but nothing to hinder a relationship. Family gatherings were great and everyone seemed to get along on short visits. To be honest there was not one conflict between the two in the 5 years. To be fair we lived on our own together not in my mothers house.

Here is where it all begins. My mother opened up her home for us to live in to give us a chance to save for a down payment on a house. Things went all right for a few months until one night. My fiancée, at the last minute decided to have dinner with her family. My mom had prepared dinner that night and felt very disrespected. Later that night my mother confronted my fiancée about the issue and how she felt "dissrespected" and called her "inconsiderate". My fiancée who is not used to confrontation got upset and defended herself, It ended up in an ugly verbal fight. I have never seen my fiancée in tears and hurt so much since we have met. My fiancée told me we made a mistake moving in with my mother and wanted to move in with her parents, she was not comfortable around my mother at all.

My fiancée moved out, I stayed with my mother to try and keep the peace. Things just got worse and worse. We decided to all meet and that made it 10x worse, both think they are right, nether will admit wrong doing, and it lead to sarcasm and anger towards each other. Again I stayed at my mothers house to try and settle the peace. All I received from my mom was anger and verbal insults about my fiancée. She said unless this is resolved she will not be at our wedding and there is no chance our marriage would work, she also went as far to say she thinks my fiancée won't allow her to see our future children and said to me "to grow some balls" and stick up for your mother. It ended up getting to a point where my mother accoused me of tryng to compete with her. With that said I had enough, it wasn't working and moved in with my fiancess family.

At her familys house all is OK, never ever do I get into arguments with her parents nor does she. We are very non-confrontational people. However over the past few weeks I have received many emails from my mother saying "your fiancee has ruined our family", "I am choosing sides" and 'what ever happened to my son".

Enough is enough. My fiancee decided to send my mom an email a few days ago, not soft but firm on her feelings and the way my mother has made her feel. A few days went by and my fiancee recieved an email from my mother saying my fiancee "lacks self esteem" "her values" and this shows "the way she was raised as a child", things her parents have taken complete insult too.

Now nowbody is talking. Our wedding is a few months away, we plan on having children next year and are in the midst of purchasing our first home. We seem to be getting support from everyone except my mother.

How do I settle the peace, end the hatred and can we co-exist?

Thank You

Elope and move away from both families. Really have a small wedding. Save the money you were going to use for the wedding and get an apartment away from both families.

This is all because a plate of food?? Does anyone remember what was on the menu that night?

Your fiancé should apologize to your mother for cutting out at the last minute (dinner must have been inedible and ruined without her presence?), and your mother should apologize to your fiancé for blowing this out of the water. Then they should hug and finalize the plans for the wedding.

Holy cannoli! Although I agree with wondergirl, I think at this point in time this has gone on too long and gotten way too out of hand for simple apologies.

I am so sorry you and your fiancé are going through such a difficult time when this should be the happiest time in your lives. If this helps you at all, from what you have written, it sounds as if you are very grounded and you have done the right thing by not taking your Mother's side in this. Whether your fiancé or your Mother was right initially is not the issue any more. You will be living with your future wife, not your Mother. Unfortunately, your Mother appears to have control issues and she needs to understand and accept the fact that you are in a committed relationship and that your wife will always come first. As an FYI, this is one of the basic building blocks for a long term & successful marriage.

I suggest you find a family counselor PRONTO! Make your initial appointment alone so that you can lay everything out that has occurred. Take your cue from the counselor as to who he/she wants to meet with next, Mom or fiancé, both, or if an additional one on one with you is necessary. If your Mom is resistant to going for counseling, the counselor will help you find a way to get her there. If she simply refuses to go no matter what, at the very least, you and your fiancé will be given the tools to deal in a positive and respectful way with your controlling Mama that will allow you to live a guilt-free and happy life together. Always leave the door open for family counseling with her. I think once your Mother recognizes that she has absolutely no control over you and that you & your fiancé are moving ahead with your plans to build a life together, she will realize she needs to find a way to make amends if she has any desire to continue her relationship with you and to create a relationship with her future grandchildren.

If this started so suddenly over a plate of food, then there were already hard feelings just below the surface. I think you follow your plans and keep your mom and your wife separated until one of those stubborn females decides to bury the hatchet. Maybe your wife could have spoken up and acknowledged her change in plans, or maybe your mom could have not made a big deal of it. Doesn't really matter because I think something else would have come along, and thrown a wrench in the works any way.

It happens more often than you think, between mothers, and daughter-in-laws, so decide how you personally will deal with the issues, and keep the peace.

Not an easy balance, because they both will pull you in their directions, and your future happiness lies with keeping your wife happy. But she is your mother. Do the right thing by them both, but make your stand as to what's the right thing for you and stand up to them both when they are WRONG. The rest, let it pass.