So glad I found this place, nice to see I'm not alone in my pradicament.

Here's my situation, we are coming up to our four year anniversery. I am in the military and have been undergoing training for about two and a half years. We had a distance relationship until we decided to move in together late 2008. Initially living together worked well however she became isolated socially by living in a country town and working from home. We thought that when we moved into our new location that the situation would change however that didn't happen. She had given up her career to come with me for me too follow my dream, but it eventually became too much for her. She went to Thailand with her friends and decided that she wanted to take up her old job and live in Sydney. I became very upset and thought it would be the end of our relationship, I foolishly said that I would breakup up with her if she left, it was so stupid and I regret saying that so much as I didn't mean it. That's when the relationship situation began to spiral out of control. She returned for five weeks however she felt it wasn't working and left back for Sydney where we continued long distance that was in march.

She hasn't seemed to get over the bitterness of the Christmas period, however I dearly wanted her to stay as I thought it was the best for us but she doesn't see it that way, she thought it was the last chance for us. I'm deeply in love with her and I want this too work but she doesn't feel the same way.

Here is the other problem, during August last year I received a text from her, she accidentally texted me instead of her American ex-Internet boyfriend, asking him to come and talk to her online. It has snowballed from there, they have been talking regularly online and texting each other. I was extremely uncofortable with this and told her so but she didn't seem to care, he was her friend nothing was going on etc. She decided she was going to America for a holiday, I asked her to delay it so I could go with her but she refused. She decided she wants to meet this guy, for a couple of days over summerfest in Milwaukee, with one of her mates. I begrudgingly agreed, because she said it was something 'she had to do', I later told her I was really uncomfortable with this and could I be there when they met, she refused and attacked me saying I didn't trust her. Well what could I do? I agreed... She told me it was only a couple of days. Before she left we had 'the talk' she said that because of everything she was in love with me but not the same way she used to be. That was devastating, she also admitted that she had been talking on the phone to her ex boyfriend in the last couple of months and had been hiding that from me. So she had been deceiving me regarding the person I consider to be her 'what if' guy. Anyway we decide to use the trip to do some thinking. Anyway I look at her itinerary, she is spending 7 days with the ex boyfriend! I confronted her on this and her reply was that I didn't ask and that 'i don't report to you' I feel itsvery inconsiderate and this now makes very upset that she's been lying to me about this, I sent her a text saying so. My trust in her has taken a major hit because of this. She has called me twice since then, huge fights have accured. After the first fight she said that she would probably breakup with me when she gets back in person, last night however she pretty much said that wanted to breakup over the phone before she met her ex so she 'wouldn't feel guilty' my reply was you only feel guilty if you are doing something wrong. She swears that it's only plutonic and that nothings going to happen but I can't help but be suspicious, why was there a need for deception? Sorry it gets even more complicated but I'll post more as I go along, I'm basically at the point where I'm refusing to communicate with her but she knows that I still consider us together so if it does happen as far as I'm concerned she's cheating on me...

This sucks, I'm in love with someone that doesn't think she feels it back and is spending our anniversery with another guy. Pretty heart breaking

All you can do in a situation like this is walk away. She obviously doesn't respect you based upon her actions. If you've got the mustard for it... don't say a word and just cut contact completely. She'll come sniffing around wondering why you're not pleading over her. Snub her. It'll be hard. But I tell you what, she'll damn sure know that you're not going to take her crap again.

Now, find yourself a real woman.

I had already typed out a reply to this however my p.c. is being temperamental and decided to eat it.

Hi elwoodb
Ive read through your post a couple of times now, from I can tell your g/f is not wanting to remain in a relationship with you, as you said she may be holding some resentment from back when she first decided to return to Sidney. Or when she first put her own plans on hold to follow you with yours. No matter what I do feel she wants out of the relationship, either to embark upon a new venture with the guy in the USA, or to just be a free agent again.

Something seems to have died in the relationship, or just the sheer distance between you both could have been enough for her to have a change of heart. However you aren't being given much consideration from her in any of this, and it would even seem she's got a total lack of regards for your role in her life.

Has she gone to America to meet this other male? If so when will she be coming back, and will she be going to your place or back to Sidney?

When you made the ultimatum to her about if she goes to Sidney then it would be over, it might be that she then lost respect for you or just decided to hell with him, it would appear something went wrong around that time. Your g/f lack of regards for your concerns at her going to the USA to meet a man she met online, is a huge red flag, then you discovering she's planning to stay with him for 7 days is another, then her telling you she`ll probably tell you in person that its over before meeting this other male in USA, 3 red flags in that alone.

It would to all intents and purposes imply she was considering making something more than a platonic relationship with him. However that's neither here nor there for the time being. What you need to do for now is if possible get together with your g/f and ask her straight what her intentions regarding her involvement with you are, it would ideally be better if you can do this in person, you can judge a lot more about a persons integrity in person, their body language gives away certain things if there is any dishonesty in what the person claims. You won't have that aspect or advantage on the phone, plus with phone calls or texts they can be misinterpreted and cut off or ignored, and she could tell you without hesitation that she's not been unfaithful to you, and you'd not be able to judge for yourself if she is lying to you.

Also if she has cheated, and you still want to pursue the relationship, then you'll have much to consider, however for now you need to find out where your relationship stands. I would though suggest you brace yourself for the worst.

If a female had done to me what she has done to you over the past year or so, I would not consider us together, nor would ever have confronted her about anything.

I would however had disappeared from her life back after Christmas for good and been doing my thing since.

You had enough hints, and red flags to have known she wasn't interested a long time ago.

So what ever you thought you had, you didn't, just in your own fantasy. Reality says you took way to long to read the handwriting on the wall.

Sorry, but it happens.

Thanks guys,
She returns from the trip in two weeks, for some reason she seems to justifying seeing this guy because all of her friends said they would be fine with it. I said the fight that they must be liars because that's bs and that everyone I've talked too said that there was no way they would be fine with that... She then called them all my friends 'minions' who were obviously wrong! I have been struggling with this issue for a longtime, I fought long and hard for what I thought was right, whilst trying to be understanding of her need too finally meet a friend of nine years. I guess there's another red flag in the situation as well, he's always the rebound guy it seems they always get together after a previous relationship has ended, she's done it probably 3 or 4 times so it's pretty much a habit. Here's the real kicker for me, they were meant to meet up before she met me while she was in America working at a ski resort, this fell through because he cheated on her. This caused me a lot of heartache because of the trust issues this guy anda previous boyfriend had cheated on her so I had to work hard on the trust front. Yet she still wants to see him, I've been accused of ruining her trip etc because of this but I needed to tell her one last time that it wasn't right.

I figured this is over I hope that nothing happens with the guy in fact I hope he's a complete tool she ends up hiding from him for week. But I guess that's only hope, I'll always feel that she chose someone else over me from this point on. Her reply to that was I was being a drama queen and needed to grow up. She shows a complete disregard for my feelngs, even if she loves me but not the same way anymore then surely she would at least respect my feelings.

Thanks for reading guys, its our 4 annivesery today, and needless to say I'm really struggling with the fact she's spending it with him. I've gone into no contact mode, but unfortunately I can't undo the order of roses that I had arranged to go into her hotel room for our anniversery. She gets back in two weeks, I've decided not to meet her when she gets back I'm going to see my family instead.

The one thing I can't understand is why is she treating me like this? I know she's bitter about Xmas but still I've been a great person to her and treated her as well as I could.

Thanks for the help...

Although she has lied, probably cheated, and kept secret things that she shouldn't have been doing in the first place, she somehow manages to turn this around and make it your fault.

The arguments about you being unreasonable, is arrogant, to say the least.

While I believe you love her with all your heart, and you are hurting badly right now, try to realize that this is all about her. Her needs, her wants, her desires, her independence, her fun, her decisions. I cannot see where she has compromised even slightly in regard to your thoughts and feelings.

She is who she is, and that includes how she treats you, as well as her questionable motives and actions.

Try to consider that although you love her, there is nothing there that I can see, left to build upon to make the relationship work. She abandoned you, yet doesn't have the decency to fully end it.

I think you should.

She wasn't the nice person you thought she was, and probably didn't deserve having a caring person like you who treated her well. Not your fault she didn't know any better.

Thanks for the replies again, I talked to my family at length about it for quite some time and they were very supportive. I found it very hard to tell my father that there was another guy involved, I felt ashamed that I couldn't keep her from going to another boy ( I use boy as I don't consider him a man). Dad was very understanding and said it wasn't my fault she went to another boy and that I gave it my all and that he was proud of me.

In hindsight Im still in love with the girl I knew a year ago, I guess I have accept that's she's changed. Occaisionally she let her old self out but it seems that's changed, the person I'm in love with wouldn't have done this. I'm still struggling to understand how this has happened and I may never know the full story.

I've cut off all communication with her, it's been a tough 36 hours but I feel that I have regained some personal control of the situation. I thought today our anniversery would be tougher, I do struggle with the thought of her with another boy on this day. But being able to talk to people who are independent of the situation is really very helpful and I appreciate it a huge amount!

Well she just tried to call me, it's midnight here, she sounded very weird in the message. I guess because she's not used to me not dropping everything for her, maybe it's because it's our anniversary. Who knows, she said she is going to call later, it's going to take a lot of self control not to answer and I'm wondering if I should? I think I need to protect myself so I probably shouldn't :/ feel so bloody torn on this!

It may not be enough just to ignore her calls.

When you said that she wasn't the woman you knew a year ago- that speaks volumes. She could very well have started sincere and honest, but what you see today in her, was always there. Just at bay.

It's good that you talked to your family; now you know that they too don't blame you for what has happened. There is no way you could have read her mind.

As to wondering what to do when she calls. My opinion is that you will have to tell her straight up that it is over. It shouldn't come as any surprise to her; it is a consequence of her own actions after all. Try to keep it as short and to the point as possible, and go back to that place where you feel some control.

There is no turning back the clock now, for either of you. Concentrate on getting stronger, and the more time that passes, the better you will feel.

I hope you keep on posting.

Well I've made almost 12 hours since the call, haven't spoken to her at all. This is the first time I've done anything like that before and I feel torn between wanting to text her and the urge for self presivation. I talked to my sister about it this morning, her opinion was that the call was probably an attempt by her to get me to validate her choices and to ease her guilt. I know my sister is probably on the money with this one. I guess I need time to think about this a whole lot more, and to try and gain some perspective before I talk to her again. Yesterday I was doing OK but the call is really mixing my emotions up a great deal, I guess it was the voice message and her tone really set off a reaction in me. I'm in love with her and it setoff this caring reaction in me, which over rides my own self preservation I guess. It's taking a lot of mental strength not to go to her at the moment. I'll probably keep posting for a long time yet, don't worry about that! Who knows this might help someone else out in a similar situation one day!

Cheers
Elwood

Keep going, 12 hours is a good start. Now go for 12 days, 12 weeks, 12 months, 12 years.

You are doing very well, and I too agree with your sister. It's good you have people you can count on to help you get through this.

One thing I'd like to suggest is to get yourself a notebook, and start keeping a journal. Write in it whenever you can when something hits you. Any thought, or emotion, or idea, or question, anything at all to do with her, and your relationship together.

There is a lot of strength in words, and the more you write, the more clarity you will have, as well as a sort of confirmation that yes, you feel this way today. Then by next week, when you read things over, you will see that you have made progress, and have also gained some insight.

You have given so much of yourself, it will take time to reclaim yourself again.

I write quite a bit, in fact, I'm about to start yet another journal on a personal matter too, and I know it isn't easy, but, it really does help.

It's now up to 48 hours since I've talked to her, it seems to be taking a lot out of me. I feel in some ways that not talking to her shows that there are consequences for her actions and decisions, instead of my usual I love you and will always be there for you no matter what. I have always told her that if we break up I'll cut her out of my life completely, I've already gotten the friends line from her, I basically told her that it would be a form of mental torture and I couldn't do it. For some reason I feel she's got a bet each way at the moment, the I'll see what this guy is like but I can always go back to him. She blew up when I said that of course! The last call we had just made everything thing so much worse, she made huge hurtful insults towards me, almost like she wanted me to breakup with her so she could play the victim I guess.

I got a call from a withheld number (all international calls come up that way on my phone) wasn't her but I noticed my hands were shaking, I must be a very stressed individual at the moment. Thanks for all the support, means a lot, I'm hanging in there but today feels so much worse then yesterday.

Remember that it is no longer your worry what she thinks, or how she lives her life.

The only one that needs to change, is you.

I hope that you keep a little section in your diary where you can write out all the attributes that you will bring to the next relationship, and right beside it, what you expect of a partner in return.

And, I think too that when a relationship ends, or is ending, it is hard not to remember good times; it wasn't all bad. Some of it made up memories that you will remember fondly all of your life. You don't have to hate a person to let them go. They are sort of the sum of all that makes them who they are- good, bad, indifferent, they are human.

Love is one of those things that only makes up part of a relationship, and that part is the foundation. The solid ground that you build on, together. Without the commitment of love, and all that entails, you are left with nothing to build upon, and eventually, the foundation itself falls apart.

I'm glad you are doing a journal. :)

Elwood try to focus your attention elsewhere other than her. Yes, easier said than done I know. But honestly you should be mad about this, no, actually pissed!

Listen, this girl hasn't been treating you very good for some time. You're blinded by love and just not seeing it. In a year from now you're going to look back and actually feel a little embarrassed that you took such crap from that trollope!

Right now work on just sucking it up and getting day to day, then month to month, etc. I believe your sister was right on the money with her calling you looking for validation of her actions. She would have instigated a fight with you, you'd retaliate with hurt feelings, she of course would blame everything on you and then she feels better about herself. All this while she's with another guy in another country. Serously...

From here on out you need to ignore her attempts at contact. You no longer have time for her childish games. By ignoring her she will actually feel 'bad' about the whole situation, bad about herself. She'll sense what she's lost. And unfortunately, you're going to run into her sooner or later. My advice; smile, a quick hello followed with goodbye as move along. Don't act mad or bittter rather be unaffected by her. Elwood you no longer have time for her. No asking how she's doing, what she's up to or anything else for that matter. And for the love of GOD do not argue with her about what you thought was a relationship or why she did this or that to you! Since you have mutual friends don't bad mouth her and refrain from asking them about her. When these friends ask a simple, “I was ready to move on.” and leave it at that.

Hang tough. Not all women act like disrespectful skanks.

Well here's an update for everyone, haven't heard from her, which makes me feel a whole lot better as I didn't have to deal with a phone call in the middle of the night. To be honest I'm seething with anger about this which is why I haven't been helping on the fighting front, the best I feel I can do for both of us is to step back and calm down as much as I can.

I should explain a few more details on this complicated situation. She came back after Xmas in feb for 5 weeks and we lived together again, she had been doing some work in sydney and had been offered a job which was where most of the fighting began. We had been fighting a lot whilst apart and she thought that just coming back would be enough she didn't reallymake an effort to change our situation. I got deployed for work for two weeks, whilst on that she called me and said that work needed her in Sydney and she was leaving the week I got back. That was pretty devastating, I failed my course in the week that follows and lost my dream job 3 weeks after that. At the time I could deal with the failure because she was a very special part of my life, I used to think it could be worse I could have lost her too. So I got posted to a location within a 150km of where she lived so we could see each other on the weekends and rebuild our relationship. First weekend I saw her was great it seemed like she had let go of the bitterness and we could move forward. Then I saw her the weekend before the trip and had a very long talk about everything, this is where she spilled the beans about the phone calls to the ex, I was pretty upset about it needless to say and she thought I was over reacting. I asked why she didn't tell me her reply was 'you didn't ask'. I found out about the 7 days after I read through the itinerary, the othe thing that's odd is that she goes to Chicago then flies back to Milwaukee for the last night then la. Would have thought there would have been direct flights Chicago la that would have been cheaper. I haven't confronted her on this, really not worth the effort.

I am going to have to see her, I still have a house full of her stuff be it still in boxes only moved in 3 days ago, and god knows what to do about the dog. I'll just have to make the meeting on my terms, so much to sort out...

Other thing is I guess I dodged a bullet, I was meant to propose to her at Xmas but the timing didn't work out, I'd say I just saved myself 5 grand...

Hi Elwood

I agree you are going to have to see her in order to tie up any loose ends, to arrange for her to collect her belongings and the Dog ( it is her dog I assume ) when you do see her it would be better for you if you don't ask her about her trip to America, that I feel may end up hurting you even more. You've decided to let her go so let everything about that trip go too, her going on that trip has shown you how thoughtless she is about your role in her life and involvement with her, leave it at that.

She has shown her true colours in being how she has, you're better off out of a relationship that only serves to hurt you, it seems you were the only one making any effort to keep it going.

I wish you well and Im sure in time you'll look back on this and wonder what all the fuss was about, there's a young lady out there with your name on her heart and in time you'll find each other.

You will have learned something from this relationship, you may not know what just yet but in time you will. You're doing the right thing for you.

I guess my brain is wanting to let go but my heart sure as hell isn't for some reason I'm holding out hope that she will realize that what she is doing is really hurting me. I feel like an idiot for feeling that way and I guess it's going to take a while to get through this. I guess the combination of the 'first love' and 'she's the one' isn't helping either.

We only really have one mutual friend (the one who set us up), I talked to her about what was going on and she told me to walk away. That I didn't deserve what was happening to me, she also explained a bit of what was happening before she met me with this other guy. She said she could never understand her relationship with him and neither could her other close friends. And that she really couldn't explain her actions now, except that she has a personality where when she gets something in her head she will do it no matter what. That sounds familiar!

Haven't heard from her for a while, which is making NC a bit easier, whenever I feel the urge to txt her I either come on here and read posts or txt and call my friends. I'm in a new location, and don't have any friends here so loneliness is a big factor as well. Trying to keep myself occupied, went flying yesterday for the first time since march, it was the first time in a long time that I hadn't thought about her for a 3 hour period. Other things I'm doing is a complete refusal to post anything on my fb page, I'm not blocking her but she can't keep tabs on what I'm doing if there's nothing there (I know her well enough to know she would check my page first instead of trying to contact me).

I'm trying to let go of this trip and what she is doing but I can't get it out of my head at the moment...

Again thanks for all the help, this place is a great outlet for me!

You need a plan that gives you something to do when you are alone (a big difference than being lonely), or a nice routine that you enjoy.

I have been trying to work on a routine, it's been difficult though changing locations living in a hotel room and now finally moving into a house it hasn't been that easy. Only really been able to go to the gym every second day as anything consistent. Started writing down what I want to do for tomorrow before I go to sleep, starts with 'keep going your doing great' then it's stuff like install washing machine.

The NC has been difficult today, feeling guilty for not replying to her message from a couple of days ago. But then again she's made no attempt to contact me, trying to hang in there at the moment but still suffering from the feeling of complete devastation.

My sister thinks she's going to come sniffing around because I'm not giving her any attention now. I'm unsure that this will happen but she was certain that it would happen. Do you guys think that would be the case? My sister has been very blunt on the situation too me, saying that she's very selfish and acting like a spoilt brat, she also mumbled about her being an only child with divorced parents but I'm not sure that if that would have any influence on the situation and an almost passing of the buck of her responsibility. I'm no expert that's for sure!

One of the hardest things I ever had to learn is that you can be in love with someone , but can't live with them.

If you could choose who you fell in love with , life would be easier by far. But love can be inexplicable. Why people develop the feelings they experience will be the subject of study and speculation as long as there are people.

When in a similar situation I spent my time learning to play the guitar which made me unaware of everything but the music. I would play from when I woke up until I slept on more than a few occasions.

NC is torture at first but as the contact stops the pain diminishes. Take it a day at a time. It is not easy and will not be fast. Learn to deal with it rather than expect it to stop completely. That takes time.

Anytime a relationship we had thought would last forever ends its devastating and in many ways its like a death, and with that comes a mourning period, you are going to have days when you'll feel great and positive you've made the right decision, then you'll have days where the pain is almost unbearable and you'll wonder if you've got it all wrong, and then days where you know you've made the right decsion, but you'll still have a niggling doubt as to if its right or wrong.

You will hurt you will question yourself and even your sanity, it will seem never ending and you'll think the pain is never going to diminish.

Losing a love interest does hurt, it hurts like nothing on earth, however in time it will ease, and will get easier to bear.

Just try to keep telling yourself this will pass, and that you're doing the right thing, its better to have this episode of pain and uncertainty now than to have stayed in the relationship, only to find it fails at a later stage, where there may have been children involved.

You will overcome this and you will go on and in time you'll learn to love and trust again, and you'll find the happiness you long for and deserve.

When you feel its unbearable you can always come to this site, and you'll find support and understanding.

Just hang in there, it takes time, but it does eventually go away. And you'll emerge from this stronger, more mature and will have gained inner strength you didn't know you had.

This will pass. It will that's a promise...

In reply to your question of will she come sniffing around, yes that's quite possible and that's the time you will need all your strength to resist temptation to re start the relationship, unless of course you're willing to fall back into something that's not good for you and won't help you live a happy and fulfilled life, you'll have to consider, can you trust her, will she also be willing to work on herself and with you to deal with the issues that are behind this, and much more. For now though you need to concentrate on you, and you alone.

Thanks for the kind words guys, sure is helping a lot! Today has been a better day, wasn't much happening at work but the great thing is I don't take my phone in so can't check it every two minutes! I'm going from the god I miss her to the how the hell did this happen (what snapped in her head) to not missing the drama if I was talking to her. It's been a bit over 5 days now, I don't think I'll hear from her until she's goes to Chicago away from the guy and gets some perspective. I'm not sure how she will react when I'm not at the airport to meet her like I said I would... I've decided to take some leave off work and visit my family and friends for 1 to 2 weeks when she gets in. I've seen them twice in a year so it will do me some good.

Cheers
Elwood

She will be highly pizzed when she flies in, and no body to meet her. That would be something to tell someone about, a change in plans.

The family visit is an excellent idea and will probably do you more good than you realize.
Continue to remain strong and take it a day at a time. I know it is no easy task.

It will be easier as time goes by. The change you talked about from missing her, evolving to not missing the drama shows you putting this into a better perspective.

Keep up the good work.

The family visit is something to look forward too, I never realized how much the drama was about her being away from her mum and friends when I think it was only a 3 month gap at most. It was six months for me... I'm beginning to realize how self centered she has become. I know the situation we were in was crap at the best of times but I always thought that being together would get us through.

I don't think I was the only person going to be at the airport, I can always through her mum a txt saying I'm not going to be there. But that moment is still a week away.

Unfortunately, reading your thread is like watching you bang your head on the wall over and over again. I just want to help you stop hurting yourself over and over again.

Unless you can fix the problems, things will just blow up over and over again. If I were in your situation, I would find it extremely difficult to trust her again. It's obvious that she wants to see if things work out with the American guy. If it does, then she can completely cut you out. If he doesn't, she has you as her backup plan. Do you really want to be her safety net?

It's not easy to end a relationship of 4 years. You have a lot of history.

As I can see throughout your thread, you've been on and off on the no contact aspect. Check out the no contact related threads in my signature. I'm sure it will give you some insights if you haven't read them already.

It's not going to be easy to cut her out of your life, but in the long run, it will make it easier for you to move on with your life.

G'day I wish, certainly have been banging my head against the wall. Trying to stop and I'm getting better at it. I initially posted here to get an independent viewpoint and to clarify what's been going on in my head. The support I have received here to be frank is unbelievable! As for the no contact I haven't tried to contact her since I initiated it last Wednesday, with her only attempt to contact me on our 4 year anniversary, which I chose not to answer.

As for the trust, it's pretty much went the day she chose this guy over me. She said to me I don't want this to end because of him, we had other issues etc. Well I was willing to work on the issues, but I can't accept her seeing the other guy, it's killed it for me. She can spin it as much as she wants but for me that is the final straw. There's isn't much anyone can do now except protect myself from further devastation :/

Don't be torn. There's nothing good to be had with any more contact with her.

She's just feeling guilty. And she should. Typical.

Don't spend any more emotional time worrying about her.

After all, she's with another guy. So... no reason to invest anymore.
Just you from now on.

That's personal control you mentioned, keep it up.


Oh yeah,

"she accidently texted me instead of her American ex-Internet boyfriend, asking him to come and talk to her online"

And the fact that she attacked you for questioning your trust. Screw that. She's a liar.

That would have sold the deal for me.

Vanheart - Everyone is awesome in hindsight! When I thought about it I found it hard to breakup a 3 year relationship over a text message. It's only in the last couple of weeks that I have found out how much their relationship has redeveloped. Who knows what has actually happened with them, I doubt If I'll never find out the whole truth. Unless of course the guilt sets in bigtime and she needs to blurt it out. I think this guy is a bit of an obsession for her, I've never come across anyone that has an Internet friendship of 9 years without meeting? Stand be corrected though. She's denied the whole time that he's her whatif guy, so be it. Either way she chose a boy who has some dodgey qualities over the guy that's supported and stood by her for 4 years. Seriously there should not have been much of an argument, he should have been kicked to the curb a long time ago.

On a side note, personal milestone, it's been a week of NC feel a bit of an achievement with that! However there's a football game on tonight that reminds me of her a lot. It will be the first time ever that we haven't had a bet with each other and a lot of banter. Fortunatly when Queensland crush new south wales tonight I'll feel much better!

Thanks everyone, today has been a much better day :)

Elwood, Im happy that you're going NC.

Stick with it. Ya, know, all Ive been hearing from your posts is about the other guy. Let that crap go.

Don't waste anymore time on those thoughts or the reasons.

You got with a deceiver that wasn't really invested. Your gain, actually. Glad that you realize it now rather than later.

I was in an LD relationship & got dumped over the phone.
Go figure...

Well I'm trying to let go not having much luck with that at the moment! Seems my subconcious is even starting to come to the party now, had my first nightmare about them last night. Needless to say I struggled to get back to sleep and struggled even more at work today :/ Not what I was planning after having a decent day yesterday. Restrained my a huge urge to send a text today, all it was going to say... Why?

The phone call breakup, very harsh! But that is pretty much what was attempted on me as well. I'm heading home for two weeks tomorrow which is something that will definitely help. I haven't been able to talk face-to-face about this yet so that should hopefully help too. Seeing my best mate, he's the only guy I know that's been divorced by 25, as he said on the phone "you helped me through my breakup, but I honestly never thought I'd return the favour".

That's the plan, hopefully I'm left alone by her for a while so I can regain my strength for moving all her stuff out of my house...

You should be glad that you're subconcious is joining in.

My ex still creeps in, never a good one. Never discredit a sign, awake or not. Be open & aware.

Glad your going back. That's what loved ones are for. To love.

Hope you know that it takes strength & time to get over a breakup.

Use this. Life works that way.

Hey guys, a quick update.
It's still all quiet on the girlfriend front, I have been spending the weekend with my friends who have cheered me up a huge amount. Been a good weekend off going back to my roots so to speak, watched my old rugby team play then went out and saw so many old friends and have had a fun time. 2 weeks of this is definitely going to do me some good. Trying not to think about the coming conversations with her, how is the best way to deal with firstly the official break then of course sorting out the removal and sorting everything out whilst maintaining a semblence of NC. I've decided that I need to wait until I can talk to her about this without getting hurt and angry about it or have another fight. I'm thinking if we have to meet it should be a public place like a café?

Well, the break is already official. So, forget that part.

NC isn't temporary. Its full on.

Not sure what you mean by removal. But if its about things or items, then send them or dump them.

You have already received her answer. That's closure even though it hasn't set in yet.

She's shown you nothing but disrespect.

In case you forgot:

"she doesn't feel the same way"

"she accidently texted me instead of her American ex-Internet boyfriend".

"She decided she wants to meet this guy, for a couple of days over summerfest in Milwaukee"

"i don't report to you"

"I'm in love with someone that doesn't think she feels it back and is spending our anniversery with another guy."


This girl isn't worth another second. Don't meet in a café or anywhere else. Disappear.

Well she arrived today, she sent me a text this morning just after she got in. It went along the lines of I have arrived it's been an exhuasting day of travel, how are you? How's the dog? I found it to be a text of her playing the innocent and it has annoyed me great amount. I haven't bothered to reply to the text, I just can't believe that after what's happened she sends me a token text. I guess she was probably expecting me to be there with flowers etc. Sorry guys felt the need to vent after this. Must keep the NC going!

Don't cave & fall into that trap.

Don't let her use you anymore.

My ex tried the same BS.

Stay strong with NC. Don't respond. You are now the invisible man. How cool is that?

You are absolutely right.

This is a token text. How's the dog, or better yet my puppy.

So lame & predictable.

She wants to lie, jet around, screw guys & have you there to return to.

I hope you are getting pissed off over this. I would.

The great thing about this now, is that YOU are in control.

Like chuff told me, when I was dealing with the same crap was " the opposite of love isnt hate, its indifference"

So incredibly true.

Remove yourself from her life. It's the only way.

Just avoided the first call from her, if she had of cared she would have called after stepping off the plane? Not 14 hours later! No voicemail was left... Got a text though - asking if I was still alive, then stated she was tired and going to bed. I'm guessing she is pretty annoyed at the moment! As for being p****d off well I am! I'm getting a small amount of satisfaction from NC at the moment. She couldn't be bothered to try and contact when she was overseas, she comes back and all of a sudden 3 attempts in one day? What can I say I feel like I've been played, and now I'm taking my bat and ball and going home!

So I take it that this kind of behaviour is standard by someone that has the kind of behaviour? I'm trying to work out the mental characteristics so I can avoid it in the future!

Yes, this is typical behavior. Just as soon as she can tempt you to cave and you get emotional and pleading again... BAM! She'll hit you with the, "You're suffocating me..." "You don't trust me..." "It's your fault..." Don't fall for it. She want's this ego boost of you bending over backwards for her.

Dude you need to find in yourself some balls. You should be really pissed about the way she treated you. Get mad with yourself and say, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!"

I know this whole situation sucks. Been there more than once myself. Listen, keep yourself in check. Don't answer the calls or texts. They'll become more provoking in the coming days. Expect her to escalate to drama, blaming, and even entice sex. Ignore her, let her play her games she'll soon see that she's now on the 'away' team. No need for conversations or other pleasantries. Should she confront you or catch you while you're out and about asking what the issue is, smile then a simple response like, “It's not working for me.” followed by you walking away. If you listen closely after this you'll hear her ego deflate.

As for any of her crap at your house. Pack it up, send her a text that she can pick her things up on X day at X time as you'll be extracting it from your home then.

That's it. You've just shown her you'll not take her $hit and it's on your terms not hers.

Read through all of the pages. I'm the lone one out here.
Your problems with her started before the trip to see this guy.
Your problems started after she moved to be with you and it didn't work and you two went long distance dating again. The Christmas thing, sounds to me like she was done by then.

I understand your being up set about the other guy thing, but you had problems before then and you were ignoring them because you didn't want to face them. She told you there was no hope.

It's time for you to move on, I doubt that she is in much pain, she left a long while ago. She is who she is. Now you move one.
When someone tells you "this is it, there is no hope" listen to them. Don't be surprise when they poop on you after they have already told you it was coming.

G'day homegirl 50, thanks for taking the time to read through a rather long thread your input is greatly appreciated. I have to agree with you, we had troubles big ones mostly centered around following me on my training (military) to places that just weren't great places to live. I had a very demanding job, working 12-14 hours a day 6 days a week and that was just to get by. It was tough but I also told herit would be like this as well...

The latest update, been ignoring the occaisional text but it all blew up tonight, she called me twice and I missed one didn't bother on the other. No voicemail so I didn't bother answering. Then received these texts:
So I'm guessing you have broken up with me, your just not telling me? Who's the coward now huh? I need to pick up my stuff and my dog, so let me know when I can.

Ok well I changed my relationship status on FB. I'm not really sure why you're suddenly ignoring me, but I'm guessing that's what you want?

I'd been busy and missed the texts, read them and called her. Not the most pleasant of conversations, she attacked me bigtime. We traded blows and it wasn't pretty, her approach was to deny everything, even that she had called to breakup with me the night before meeting the other guy. I was the bad guy to cutting off communication, I said I needed to protect myself which she scoffed at even though she had admitted doing so for months. I was meant to have called her after she stepped off the plane etc. I wanted to know what happened with the other guy, she refused to tell me, I said I deserved to know- reply I deserve nothing because I stopped talking to her. Later she said nothing happened (with a slight amount of dissapoinment in her voice). The conversation calmed down a lot, we both agreed it wasn't working and that it was over. She said we both hated each other, I disagreed even after all that happened I cannot hate her, she may hate me but I don't feel that way. I asked if losing me to see this other guy was worth it, her reply "no". I finshed off by saying that she is never going to be able to have a fully committed relationship with anyone unless this guy is gone, I got a sigh. I then wished her all the best and said I only ever wanted the best for her and for her to be happy. End of phone call.

Needless to say I'm bloody devastated, but let the low wheels of moving on begin to turn.

I guess her little plan worked.

To have you cave in, contact her, so she could play the innocent one & crap on you one last time.
So she can come out guilt-free.

This girl wants her cake & eat it too, is a liar and disrespectful.
You don't need that.

Give her stuff back & disappear.

Warning someone things will be rough does not make it less rough to them. She was unhappy and told you so.

Let this last conversation be the end of it. You live learn and move on.
I wish you well.

I agree with homegirl let this be the end of it, she's is a time waster, and a manipulating dishonest person with it.
Elwood you've done great your getting there don't cave in to her games at this stage, you'll, be no more than doormat fodder if you do...

Let her have her stuff, arrange for her to collect it, have it packed up and ready to go ask a friend to let her in to get it, and see her, out, and then that's it, move on.

She was trying to manipulate you and it would have got more and more as time went by. You're better off, you're free to find the right girl for you one who wouldn't dream of doing anything the ex has done. One wholl love you for you..
Good Luck...

If you keep contacting each other, this break up is going to drag out even longer.

The break up is official, so nor matter how many more conversations you have with her, it won't change the situation.

I think it's best to leave each other alone. It's easier said than done, but it will help you heal. Communicating with each other only adds to the suffering and prolongs the healing process.

Check out the no contact related threads in my signature. It should give you some insight.

Hey guys,
Thanks for replying, its been the roughest day for me since I first posted on here. It finally hit home that its all finally done. Talking to her probably wasn't the greatest thing for me to do personally but it had to happen in the end and at least I can start to move on. Its going to take my brain a while to adjust to this so ill try and keep myself occupied. Im very thankful that I have returned home to be with my family for this, if I had have been alone it would have been so much worse. Still I don't think my father really knows how to deal with this kind of situation!

Can't seem to stop thinking about what has happened. I don't understand why she hates me, she thinks I hate her too but for some reason I cant. She was such a special and dear person in my life that I had so many happy and life changing experiences with that I just can't hate her. Feeling completely heartbroken, but this is a part of life so ill have to learn to deal with it and move on. This certainly wasn't the way I thought my life would turn out, 18 months ago I had my dream job the girl of my dreams moving in with me and everything was going great. Now I have come agonizingly close to getting my wings (but not to be) and the girl of my dreams is giving me nightmares.

Thank you so much for all the help, gone back to NC and I wish I've read through those posts a dozen times so far this month!

Cheers
Elwood

You will get through this. It takes time but it is doable.
Were here if you need a shoulder.

Hi guys
Well I thought I would give a quick update, haven't heard from her since our last conversation I have made no attempt to contact her. It's been a big struggle the last few days, I just can't stop thinking about all that's happened and it is getting me down somewhat. The fact that after 4 years that I don't have a right to know what's actually been going on is a bit of a kick in the guts.

I'm still on holidays, went to visit my friends and went out with a couple of mates last weekend. Turned out to be a massive struggle for me, certainly wasn't for me that night. Found it very difficult I kept thinking about her, feels like it's going to take a long time to fall out of love with her. Also don't seem to be able to stop dreaming about her either, some good some bad. Last nights one was the most worrying she came back in my life and I forgave her and we got back together to live happier ever after etc. Woke up at the point where I realized even together the relationship would never be the same again.

The other issue is the dog, not sure what to do with him. She says she wants him but I'm worried he's going to be ditched in a years time. He's doing fine running around on my families farm and I'm looking after him at the moment. She said she needed to know as soon as possible because she's thinking of moving to Canada with a friend, ironic seen as how I was destroying her career but running off to Canada is going to help that. Not sure how the dog will go in Sydney in the longer term either...

So the devastation is as bad if not worse then last time I posted, I'm still deeply in love with her and I'm beginning to hate myself for it!

Feelings don't fade overnight. It takes time.
You really need to be strong with the NC. Every time you talk to her it will be a backslide and only prolong the pain.

Just because you love someone does not mean you can live with them or even spend time together. It is strange but all too true.

Stay strong. No contact. I wish you well

It's been a slightly better day, dad seems to be cracking the whip at me and making me chop tonnes of firewood to 'keep me occupied' seems I work harder on my holidays then when I'm at work! He keeps saying there's no going back, only forwards it's going to take time but I'll meet someone that will stand by me as much as I stood by her. I now have concerns that I threw myself so much into my last relationship that I won't be able to do that again out of self preservation. Is this a feeling that everyone has? Sounds like a stupid question but I hung out for a long time to wait for the right girl, really wasn't expecting to end up getting burnt this bad!

Thanks for the kind words, it's so very much appreciated!

Its not a stupid question, but a common one we all ask ourselves. Seems like your going through this all by yourself, but the truth is we all go through this after a break up, and have to cope with the emotional fall out, and you better get with it because there will always be the next love of our lives to deal with.

Your dad is right, so keep chopping that wood. Its good for you.

Well don't tell my dad that he would have had me chopped a lot more!

So here's the update, I have returned back to my house after two weeks off forcing me to return to reality of the situation. Ill have to tell work that it's over, fill in the subsequent paperwork to go with that. I'll then lose my entitlement to the house I'm renting and will have to move into other accommodation. Then I have to sort through the house and separate everything. I'll have to break NC to tell her to pickup her stuff, I was thinking an email would probably be best. I know if I call her it would probably demoralize me more so the only options would be email or text. I'm guessing that it will take about 3 weeks to get it all sorted and can slowly move on with the rest of my life. Still not sure what to do with all the engagement money I had saved, thinking an overseas trip might be in order.

Thanks for all the help, I have a feeling that this week is going to be pretty tough.

I just read your thread for the first time. It is very compelling. You've gotten a lot of good advice, and you've done a good job of following it. It's not surprising you caved and talked to her. Sometimes we just can't resist, but while it put some doubts in your mind it also seemed to cement the idea that this truly was the end. In the end, it doesn't matter how you get there so much as that you did get there – i.e. came to the realization that this relationship needed to be ended. She is also in self-preservation mode, not wanting to believe or admit she did anything wrong. She violated your trust and hurt you by her actions.

We've all been through heartbreak. I'm hoping maybe I can share something with you that will help. It does get better, and as others have said you learn from all these experiences and it helps develop the person you have or will become. You have learned a powerful lesson about who you are, what you will and won't accept, and the type of love you want. You asked if you will ever be able to throw yourself into another relationship. The answer is “Yes”, when you are ready and confident again. One of the things that make breakups difficult is that when things were going well, you felt so good about yourself. All the positive things that your girlfriend saw in you made you feel special and desirable. After a breakup, it's normal to question whether you are really deserving. Part of healing is realizing that all those traits truly exist in you – it sounds trite, but you have to believe in yourself again.

You already realize the next 3 weeks will be difficult. The feelings of sadness and anger, and even the dreams you are having, will eventually wash away the remnants of the relationship. I always view those unwanted thoughts and dreams as my mind's way of accepting and dealing with things – I turn it into a positive and realize it is all part of the healing process. By doing this, you'll realize your own mistakes and also gain a better picture of what you will not tolerate. Realizing that you are in control of your healing will keep sadness from becoming despair and it will help you learn the lessons of the heartbreak, thereby improving future relationships.

I am not alone in this, but I have now found a great relationship after suffering a major deception in the previous one. I was determined to turn that experience into a positive, and emerged with not only a stronger heart but a heart and mind that were more open to the truth and more capable of lasting love. You can do the same. Stay positive and open to the lessons.

Good luck to you.

Thanks just looking, I really appreciate the effort you have read through this thread and then to post some great advice.

Just a very quick update, received an email from her today asking about what was going on with the removals. She wants to come up and sort through everything herself. I honestly don't want her to do that, I'd much rather have my own space and sort it out myself. For some reason I don't want her to see me this way, also would like to hold onto the last time I saw her, stepping onto an airplane and out of my life... It feels like an appropriate memory. Haven't bothered to send a reply yet...

First day back at work today, now have reams of paperwork to sort out but they are being very supportive of me and offered me some support services if I need them. Don't think it's required as the leave has gotten me over the initial hump.

Thanks again everyone!

So do that. Sort what's hers & leave it by the door. Maybe a friend can be there. Or let one of her friends pick it up if you want to be there.

Don't let her invade your space, privacy or anything else.

Doing this will help you. Hell, I just threw all my exs stuff in the dumpster & went NC.

You are now longer available to her. Remove any & all drama from now on.

Then delete her. NC, my man.

BTW, JustLookings' post was beautiful. Read it again.

Spoken from someone who has overcome lots.

Howdy folks
Vanheart have to agree with you justlookings post is something special! Certainly a great pick me up :)

I have to agree with the no drama, however I'm employing a bit of tact with it at the moment. Once all her gear is gone then the complete removal of her from my life can finally happen. I'm extremely dissapointed as to how it's all turned out, and it sucks that I'm still in love with her I know it's going to take some time. But I know once I get over this hump I won't be looking back!

What she did was disrespectful. Period. You are doing everything right.

Stay strong!

Well I broke no contact, sent her an email informing her about the status of the removal saying that I was going have everything sorted by the weekend. Kept it strictly professional and it wasn't too bad of an email. Got pretty much instantly saying she wants me too leave her a key on the weekend and that I shouldn't be there so she can go through and check everything. My first thoughts were screw that, no way is she going to have free reign of my house! I haven't replied, felt pretty upset so I've stepped out for an early lunch. Oh and the other thing is she keeps asking how the dog is going, doesn't bother to ask how I am... That really p*sses me off! Haven't bothered to tell her how he is...

So here's, the options as I see it
#1 ignore her
#2 tell her to go to hell then ignore her! (I like this one a lot!)
#3 go through all the crap, then supervise her on the weekend and watch the drama unfold
#4 leave the remaining boxes, get her to come up during the week and she can sort through it all.

There may be others? Suggestions recommendations?

Well here's a great example as to why no contact should not be broken, well she's worked out my work number and called me. God dammit! Oh well she's now driving up tonight to help go through the crap, she was actually semi nice to me asking how I was... My reply 'sh*t'. Goals for tonight, avoid anything to do with why we brokeup, I've decided I don't want to know what happened, she had her opportunity to tell me she can know deal with the guilt of treating me like crap. So I'm going to get the job done, protect myself and walk away with as little battle damage as possible.

Wish me luck!

Wish me luck!

Good luck :D

But do you have to be there?

I think she's just using this as a ploy to get to you. Not in a nice way either.

Stay strong. It's the actions not the words that count.

Agreed with kaka.

My ex, who left me for another guy... 6 months later came calling because she still had something of mine (a mini-fridge), and said she wanted me to come by and take it.

I recognized the ploy, so I told her to give it away or sell it, her call. She refused, so I just... left it. She gave it away.

Well that was the most surreal experience of my life... So she arrived and needless to say I wasn't the most social person on earth. Got all the boxes sorted out with everything now separated. She kept saying that the whole thing was weird, it was but I've never done that before either. It's hard to go into details about it all tonight as I have to get some sleep but we did end up having a rather long talk covering everything, no arguments at all. Very odd, I'll explain tomorrow.

I feel very sad and have cried a lot but sleep will do me good!

Well elwoodb my perception thus far has been that you've been hoping exactly for this to happen. You say you don’t want to see her but come on… secretly you’ve been hoping for this all along. The adage, “Be careful what you wish for.” definitely fits the bill this time.

At this point the only advice I can give you would be to keep your guard up. Try to remain unaffected, a poker-face if you will. Don’t start blubbering about the break-up, her going off to spend holidays with other guys, how you miss her, or pledging your undying devotion & love.

I know you’ve got these hopes and expectations that she’s coming back and everything will be all better… I strongly urge you elwoodb not to make any rash actions towards this.

Good luck buddy.

Just wanted to say keep going mate, it gets better

Seems my message was too late to do any good.

Well I hope you can now let this go and move on.

I hope you haven't succumbed Elwood, come back and update us when you can. Be Strong..

Well, now that you got this over, you can truly go NC.

I suggest you also remove any and all reminders of her. (Letters, pix, emails, whatever... )

She is no longer in your life, so try to focus on everything else but her.

Now your free again.

I feel very sad and have cried a lot but sleep will do me good!

That's why the advice is always to cut contact as it keeps you from being on the emotional whirlwind.

But as someone who has just finally ended a 13 year relationship, I can assure you it does get better.

One day at a time.

Ok folks sorry about the delay so as I said last night we had a talk, we bad both presumed that it would be a fight. Didn't pan out like that thankfully.

I'll try and start at the beginning, she asked me about my job and how it was going (my career is a disaster at the moment, a long story but I figure I'll lose my job in the next two months). It then got on to the relationship, and the major hurdles we had failed to navigate, her putting her career on hold the demands my career was placing on the relationship the social isolation that we both suffered from and also for me her relationship with the ex boyfriend. My best description of the conversation was that it was more like a debrief, the pros and cons of what actually happened. How the connections between each other we were working and then at some levels ultimately failed. We talked about the uncertainty that my job had placed on our future, causing both of us severe stress and in turn led to her bitterness and me being torn between her and my dream job (ultimately leading to failure in both). We talked about her meeting the guy, she said nothing happened she had no feelings for him and that he didn't make a move on her.

Other events, such as not acknowledging the flowers I had sent her on our anniversery, me having nightmares of her having sex with this guy the text and the ultimate breakdown in trust caused by this as well was discussed. I don't think she had realized how much all of that really hurt me until last night. We talked about how I was copeing with it all, I said I was copeing and only really starting really deal with the situation in the last week. I asked how she was going, she said that she was trying not to think about it and doing 12 hour work days to exhaust herself so she didn't have too. Her thoughts were to trying to make me a villan in her mind, but she couldn't because I had treated her so well. She also said that in 6 months time she will probably deal with it and realize how much of a mistake she's made.

I told her there's no turning back, neither of us should be in a relationship for a long time and that we gave it our best shot and that I've learnt a lot from it. It was for both of us our first long term committed relationship, so I guess we will both do better with our next partners (as tough as it feels to admit it). There are a few other learning points as well, we did everything together which is great but we both had lost our independence, I think this was a hangover from the long distance i.e. the spend every second together syndrome. We also allowed the relationship to stall, and neither of us really tried hard enough to get us moving again. Also that no contact gave us both a lot of time to think and calm down, so we could both get some decent closure out of it all.

Received this text last night:
I'm home now. And its hit me. Didn't take 6 months after all. I must have matured

I told her to get some sleep she will feel better in the morning.

So that's it, I've gotten some closure, I'm back into no contact. Time to get myself back on track. I'm devastated never thought it would pan out like this ( she said the same thing last night), the one thing that has really hit me today is that I'm never going to talk to the closest friend I've ever had again.

Thanks for everything guys, back on the no contact train!

"I'm home now. And its hit me. Didn't take 6 months after all. I must have matured"

See, you should have went NC. She just wanted her stuff back. Told you.

What's good is that you never have to be hurt again by her again.

Dude, she isn't a friend. Friends don't do that.

Well Done Elwood, you have made the right decision, and in time you too will look back on this and see it all much clearer.

You will have other best girl friends to talk to, and you will in time go on to meet that special lady whose out there Im sure waiting for you to find her, just don't look too hard, Love seems to know when you're looking for it and evades you.

Well done you really are doing great, post here anytime and please let us know how things go for you. We`re here for you anytime.

Good Luck, you're going to make some lucky young lady an excellent husband.

Thanks positive parent, I know it's a long road ahead but it will take time. I may still have to see her one more time, depends on if I am required to be there for the removal of her furniture (organized by work may be ordered to be there). She sent me a text tonight, asking about a trinket she gave me that ended up in the stuff she took back I'm ignoring the text. This should all be sorted out soon.

Thanks to everyone for helping me out!

Well I've had a crappy day, seems I'm getting shafted. So was organizing the removal today, turns out that work will pay for her removal, which is great but I have to move out of the house because I've lost my entitlement to live there. But I have to pay for my removal! I am not impressed. Anyway email the information off to her, and for some stupid reason tell her that I'm confused by what she's been saying (she's been making comments on her fb, still Can't bring myself to block her until her crap is out of the house) and the text. Well she texts me asking why would I be confused, I'm dumb and reply. God I'm so dissapointed in myself, looks like I have to learn the no contact lesson AGAIN. What a crappy day!

Don't be so hard on yourself. If you were perfect, you would be truly unique among the rest of us flawed humans. We make mistakes and some are bigger than others.

The trick here is to keep moving forward, and not let one lousy mistake get you down. You will have plenty of chances to correct that mistake in the future, no doubt.

I know what you mean tal, still feel like a chump though! The text I sent in reply to her why am I confused txt was along the lines of 'because the next day you posted the lyrics to 'need you now' the day after the '6 months' text.' Anyway didn't get a reply until this morning (woke me up) Here's what she said:
That song was playing constantly when I was in the States and I had it stuck in my head is all.

I haven't bothered to reply, I know she was out on the town last night, she had told me that and she had posted on fb via phone after I had sent my last text. So why wait until 7am on a Saturday after a big night out to text me? I have a feeling that I'm been played again and I feel like an idiot (which I presume was the point).

Hi Again Elwood
This with the ex is to be expected she knows which buttons to push, and will push them to whenever she wants some attention even if its negative.

She possibly annoyed because you are being so mature and adult in how you're dealing with this, she possibly thought, hoped and wanted you to go running after her, so she could then pick you up and drop you at her leisure.

Which you haven't done and as a result she is being more than awkward.

You'll have to start NC again, and really take her off your fb page and anything at all connected with her.

The sooner you're totally NC the better and the sooner you'll begin to heal and get over her, the longer you have any kind of contact though will just serve to keep you stuck in that bad place, and it'll also feed the negativity of it all. So as soon as you can stop all and any contact with her or anyone who even knows her in passing the better for you.

Keep up the NC, in time it'll get much easier.
Im sorry you've lost your place to live over this, all things though happen for a reason.

Sending you Positive healing vibes. And Rooting for you to get over this soon...

Don't beat yourself up about it. We've all made mistakes like that.

Keep making those mistakes, though... and tal's going to kick your behind. Trust me. I speak from experience.

Thanks pp that's what I thought she was up too, I have been quiet restrained with it all, I've had to bite my tongue a lot! I think last night was her first night out being single, she probably had a bad night, hence a press of my button this morning. Wrong button though, all it does is justify staying well clear of her. If she wants a button that works, she's got to hit my caring button, but as time is going on that's getting smaller and harder to find. The thing is she knows that I wanted to marry her, so she knows that my feelings aren't going to disappear over night, so I'm guessing she thought I'd be there when she got back. She's the one that's going to have to learn some harsh lessons out of this as well, whilst mine are more harsh I have also been forced to learn quickly. I don't feel any guilt I gave it my best shot, I don't think she can say the same thing. Well there's my blow of steam for the day speech!

Losing the house the house isn't a huge issue, before I joined up I once lived out of a swag for 3 months. I'll probably get sent back onto base, free gym, cheap good food, Ticks most boxes really! It will take a bit before I adjust to single life, I didn't need someone to make me happy beforehand don't think that will be any different now.

All the best!

Your doing well mate, don't beast yourself! I dropped some big ones with my ex, read my thread if you want to see how badly I did lol, its 60 days nc for me now and things still hurt but each day gets better and better !

Hey fireguy had a good read of your thread and I can say we both have made similar mistakes! Thanks for the support! Btw thanks for doing your job, it's greatly appreciated.

Nothing much to update, still in NC, work if anything is causing a lot more heartache more then her. Of course it's seems a lot easier when she isn't contacting me.

I know I may sound a tad weird myself when I say this,but are you very sure you wouldn't like a clean break-up and then move on?

There's been too many "break-up"conversations,confusion,arguments here,which ,may have diluted the truth for you--which is that she's kind of not there anymore.However,she was also the woman who,as you say yourself,did drop everything and follow you where you went.

Strange how things change,maybe it's the distance,maybe you two grew apart,who knows for sure.Its a dead relationship,that's for sure but before actually putting the lid on it,just for your sanity's sake,just for old time's sake,if YOU feel YOU need more explanations/venting/a final talk,then by all means go for it.Sometimes,saying the words "I AM BREAKING-UP WITH YOUY" or hearing them being yelled at you,bring about the much required resolve to move on that one might not be able to muster otherwise.

But,before that,if NC is working for you,then Don't break NC.Carry on with your healing and recovery.

G'day starry nights, I have read your post several times and it certainly has given me some food for thought. I have thought it over thoroughly and I'm pretty sure that I should stay no contact. Whilst I can see some advantage in talking to her again, such as asking more questions and getting a better understanding as to what has happened. But I can also see a lot more ways in which I feel I might get hurt further. I fairly certain that the truth about what has actually been going on will only ever be known to her, and I would pickup on this and it would degrade into another argument which would help her move on and set me back further. I think at the moment she is intent on playing the victim and turning me into a villan (she actually told me that was what she was trying to turn me into in her mind) if we contact and have another fight I think that would enable her to continue perception of me. I admit I made mistakes, but I was always dedicated to her and when push came to shove at work and they asked what would I choose, my dream job or her, I chose her... Guess neither was supposed to be. So currently I'm picking myself up and starting from scratch, find a new place and good job and if one day I'm lucky might meet another nice girl to put the icing on the cake. But first I have to organise all the baggage out of what has happened from this relationship!

You are very perceptive in seeing further talking/questioning her will make you the villain, and her a victim. Most of the questions you have can only be answered later, by you, as a break up involves what you do to cope with the reality of what has happened, and despite your feelings right now, bowing out gracefully, and focus on your own healing is the way to go, simply because your stuck on a losing idea, understanding what happened. After a proper healing from this break up, you will just accept what we all go through many times in our lives, people and circumstances are subject to change, for many different reasons, and we have to move on, and keep going forward.

That's where you are, unable to move forward, but will very soon. Once you figure out that No Contact, is your first adjustment to make for yourself.

Thanks tal, figured that I was pretty much on the money with what I have been doing. Got woken up by her trying to call me this morning, ignored the call she didn't leave a message so it can't have been that important! Once all the removals have been done it will make it a lot easier to move on. So by the end of next week I should have all of it done and can move on, although I feel I've done a lotof the hard work so it should hopefully be easier from then onwards.

You are doing the right thing by committing to NC. Honestly, it works. Did for me.

I can even tell you how glad I am right now for nipping all the drama in the bud immediately. Not subjecting myself to BS words anymore.

In essence, I had heard all I needed to hear when I got dumped.

Not to say that that road isn't challenging, but forces us to heal & discover way more than you would have otherwise.

You will go through lots of stages. Every one will have meaning, make sure you use this lesson well.

If you do some self digging, you will come out way better than before.

Takes time, man.

Cheers vanheart, I certainly feel like I'm heading on the right track and as you say it's going to take time. She called me at work today, I had emailed her about a bill that I wanted her to pay half of, I had forgotten how obsessed with money she was! She tried to have a fight on the phone with me saying she wasn't going to pay half etc. She then tried to say she would pay a percentage, fortunatly maths isn't a strong point for her and when she did the sums it came out that she had to pay more. So she has agreed to payhalf lol.

She told me that she has contacted our mutual friend and was angry at her over something she had said to me (that she was sorry for introducing us, but it wasn't as blunt as that). I had mentioned it during our last face to face talk, she had been stewing over it and attacked our friend! Didn't call her did it via email, that has really convinced me to stay NC! She can't spew molten anger at me if I don't talk to her! This was not the person that I know!

When are you going to go NC?
Sounds like you are still deep in the drama.

No contact I hate to say it won't be fully enforced until next Friday when removals are all done, house is shutdown and it's properly sorted. I am avoiding contact with her as much as possible, if I do it's always via email. She has my work number, which I can't screen so I don't really have a choice but to talk in that instance. Yesterday helped clarify lot for me, glad I'm not with her, she has changed a lot - turned into this angry person, which is not very indeering!

Can't wait for you to finally go NC. Lots of personal protocol sounds like.

BTW, she changed way before. Now its your turn.

"I am avoiding contact with her as much as possible''

Who's in charge now? Take a message.

I can't wait either mate! I've already got a plan in place to keep me occupied, I'll be planing an overseas trip which I'm really looking forward to doing. As for the work phone, can't avoid it has to be answered, but I sure don't answer personal phone when she calls!

As for me changing, it has been an eye opening experience, more learning experiences then a fundamental change of character.

Cool.

Let this whole time now be a good experience.

Character, schmaracter. You know what feels good & doesn't.

Well a bit of an update, I've boxed almost everything up in the house. My folks are coming down to help move most of my furniture etc back home. Also cleansed my fb of anything related to her pictures etc. Got my first piece of good news in a long time, managed to get a month of free accommodation which is a great help. The one thing I noticed today was that when I was talking to my father on the phone that my voice was quivering, guess I'm not doing as well as I thought I was.

Cheers
elwoodb

And why would you think that??

Had this perception that the situation wasn't effecting me that much, when it still is a considerable amount! Still struggling to move forward at the moment, but slowly edging there.

Stay humble, it will happen. You are getting there.

Well I moved onto base today, felt a bit nostagic when moving out which made it pretty tough but I got through it. Now for my rant! She had to come up on Tuesday to sort out some removals stuff, which was fine left a key for her, anyway she left some old keyring of mine on the kitchen bench for me that I had left at her house years ago. Anyway I thought it was pretty token, then she texts me asking if I found it? That text made me mad, after 4 years she asks about a bloody keyring! God after giving me the cold shoulder and the runaround for months, she texts about a keyring! Well I ignored it, what else would I do. Anyway I had to send an email about the final removal details, she replies saying how epic my removal must have been etc. And again asking about the keyring! Seriously, it's a keyring... Who cares! Didn't bother replying to that either, I mean honestly what does she expect from me? And that's my rant done!

Elwoodb you got to realize she's just testing the waters. She's dangling a bone and wants to see if you'll do tricks for her. In my opinion you handled it perfectly!

Step 1: Never let'em see you sweat.

Continue to project that cool, clam, and unaffected demeanor. Keep that "it's business not personal" attitude going. Do not dignify her lame attempts because you know she'll just crap on you when you let your guard down.

Step 2: Don't sweat the small stuff.

Now… let's start working on the actual not letting this BS get to you. Seriously… you need to get mad about this situation.

I thought that's what she's doing, trying to get some attention from me. She's currently moving her stuff out if the house right now, she called me chasing after a missing measuring spoon. Seriously I don't care, why would I take one measing spoon! I didn't give anything she could have a go at, she asked 'for the millionth time did you get the keyring?', god obsessed much! Well as her parting gift she posted on fb how cute the removalists were, now that has made me incredibly angry and upset... I want to go over there and blow up at her so much! So instead I come here, don't want to give her satisfaction...

NC, man.

You are very close to being done with her as far as the move goes. Don't let her get to you. You will feel much better about yourself if you don't blow up, and don't give her ammunition to make you look bad. A suggestion would be to do something physical - exercise, hit a punching bag, etc. Personally, I played a lot of racquetball - hitting that little blue ball as hard as I could, running all over the court, and laughing because it was so much fun. I had never played so hard in my life as when I was taking out my feelings on the court.

Getting onto that right now, cannot believe that she would post that, it's my house and she's hitting on the removalists! Seriously she obviously is trying to bait me... Not going to give her the satisfaction!


I'm off to the gym this afternoon just looking, certainly looking at getting back into sports again, blew my knee our bodyboarding earlier in the year so I can only start looking into team sports now. Trying very hard not to give her the satisfaction... Having to use all my patience up for the decade on her!

LOL, don't you know people will say anything to push your buttons?

Misery loves company.

I think you'll have the last laugh on this one. She'll be left behind wondering how she got into this position, especially if she keeps trying to play games and you ignore her. You'll be getting better and moving on. I'm sure you know that the best satisfaction is moving on and doing well... and forgetting her. The most important thing is to keep moving forward and making positive moves for yourself. Everything will come together for you if you can do that.

Block her on Facebook!! Once she is blocked you won't have to see a thing she writes ever again!

Should have told her you chucked the key ring in the bin because it reminded you of trash... HER!

You can do SOOOO much better than this. You're a good guy and have a good life ahead of you. Go NC for good and move on.

Once you figure yourself out you will find that special girl and realise you wasted time with you ex.

Wishing you the best!

Thanks guys, well I'm getting along all right, had to exchange a couple texts over some gear and I behaved like a gentleman I refuse to give her an excuse to justify her actions. Must be frustrating the hell out of her. She texted me asking if I was OK? So she goes from checking out removalists too wondering if I'm OK? Ignored! As for the keyring I did throw it out, just couldn't be bothered to tell her that. On a side note one of my friends came up vindictive fb idea, she wanted to post on my fb 'hey just heard what happened, are you OK? What are you going to do about the ring you bought?' lol I thought it was brilliant. Leave that there for a couple of days then block her and that would be the info she would ever have on me. She would always have that 'whatif'... I know it's a bit cruel but the idea of it made me laugh a lot! Btw never did buy a ring, had the money saved up just never got the chance too. Bullet dodged there!

Nice idea but no!! Why play to the drama mate, walk away keep your pride and don't play the game

Hi Elwood.
Please don't stoop to a lower level now so far you have shown great strength of character and dignity in how you've handled this, To do as you say in the above post would merely drop you to a lower level you've been the respectful and courteous one in this don't lose that for a one upmanship, you're already way above that already you have been civilised and sensible. Keep it that way.

. On a side note one of my friends came up vindictive fb idea, she wanted to post on my fb 'hey just heard what happened, are you ok? What are you going to do about the ring you bought?' lol I thought it was brilliant. Leave that there for a couple of days then block her and that would be the info she would ever have on me. She would always have that 'whatif'... I know it's a bit cruel but the idea of it made me laugh a lot! Btw never did buy a ring, had the money saved up just never got the chance too. Bullet dodged there!
This is a sure sign she still has a hold and control.
Don't even think about doing something so silly. She will probably contact you and isn't that what you want to stop? Or is it.
Continue NC. Stop texting and checking Facebook and coming up with reasons to text her. It's past time to get serious about this.

"This is a sure sign she still has a hold and control."

Yup. Still wants to text, FB and take her messages.

Get serious is right.

Elwoodb you need to realise that she doesn't give two hoots about you or you would be together not going through this.

What she does, say or think is no concern of yours anymore. Playing silly games because that's the last thing she hears about you?? She doesn't care. Only you do. You think you'll get a reaction from her? You won't. She doesn't care!

You need to realise that its you that's hanging on making more out of this then need be because you are still emotionally involved. That's why everyone says go NC.

It stops the confusion you make in your mind about every little thing she does.

She doesn't care anymore. She's getting on with her life.

You need to do the same. Sorry.

P.S. If you continue to hold on please don't blame her for you getting hurt anymore. She's told you its over. Up to you how you deal with it.

Cut the cord is right!

All I seem to keep hearing is about removals here, removal there. Key chains and BS. Trying to lie on FB. C'mon, man.

You are perpetuating it now.

Sounds like you are scared to finally cut the cord.

But soon to be forced to. If not on your own volition.

I know Ive said this a bunch of times, but am still proud of it:

A week after my ex dumped me, I chucked all of her stuff in
My dumpster (just like she did me).

Faster than you could say "I dont want a relationship. I wanna be single"

Hehehe. Im cracking myself up. Still feels good.

This thing on Facebook is making you look weak.

Do you really want her thinking your weak and she can step all over you? Because that's inviting her to do so.

Block her. She will not be able to see your page you will not be able to see her page. She will no longer exist!

The sooner you get her out of your life the sooner you will feel better. It seems like you don't want to let her go. But do you really want her back after what she could have possibly been doing with another guy ON the day of your annerversity?

She doesn't deserve you. Get that into your head. Get her out of your life!!

He does not want to let her go!

What is going to have to happen is, you are going to keep contacting her, you are going to eventually get together for a time and this whole thing is going to start over again. It will keep happening until she either just really hurts you or you open your eyes and get a clue.

Personally I think you read and see what you want to see in all of this because you cannot accept that she has left you and is not having the anxiety that you are. That's why you keep trying to peak into her life and hang on the everything you hear or see.
When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll let all of this go. You are not there yet.

"you cannot accept that she has left you"

Hello?

Hey guys, was really surprised at how many posts there are! Seems my mates joke has caused some a lot of comments. Firstly I'd like to say that it was a joke, I never intended to do that and lower myself to playing games. I thought it was funny and felt it was a turning point for me that I can actually start to laugh at how I've been treated, also mixed with a bit of anger. Secondly I have no intention of going back, no good would come from it, and if that was to happen anyone onthis forum can feel free to come to Australia and slap me very hard whilst screaming 'what are you thinking?! '

As for cutting the cord, blocked her on fb, deleted her number, have removed and boxed anything that reminds me of her. Currently dad is building a huge bonfire stack for when I get home to burn it all and possibly dance around. Now the removals are done no need to ever talk to her ever again! No going back... Always forward!

Thanks for all the help provided! I'm hoping in the future to be able to help others on here as well.

Just remember Im in Sydney Australia... I will come slap you across the face and also give you a nice kick up the Butt for everyone here.

Im watching you! Hehe

Good.

Im dancing w/ya. Splits, finger in the air, bumps & grinds, twirls, but no robot though...

Sorry.

Lol Aimee You wouldn't have to travel far to slap me, she lives in Sydney and is about as likely to move as the harbour bridge. It's a no go zone for me 100km buffer placed around there!

No robot? Don't worry I've got it covered ;)

No sadness, just relief that it's all done with!

LOL how about I just go slap her instead :P JOKES! Ive never been in a fight in my life. Id lose anyway.

No but seriously I would kick your butt because your male and can't hit back hehe.

Now she's gone concentrate on you! You seem like a great guy! Any girl would be lucky to have you. But for now you don't need a girl friend. You need to sort yourself out have fun being single then once you find the right girl then go for it.

Lol got me running scared! Mental note don't p*ss off Aimee...

Staying away from females for a while, not finding it hard to switch back to single life I was always been an independent guy but boredom seems to be my main problem at the moment!

Hi elwoodb glad things are picking up.
Your right boredom is the killer ! How are you getting round it? I have to confess I struggle to find things to do, I was already in the gym for 2 hours a day so I can't add working out to the list lol

One thing that Ive learned is that being lonely sucks.

Being alone can be great.

What I mean by that is asking yourself the question:

"Hey, what Im I gonna do today that feels good? or What can I do today to better myself?"

Nobody else can mess that plan up.

Have to agree loneliness sucks, but I try and use that to go and meet new people. I'm in a new location and I'm starting to make new friends and come across old ones. There is an advantage to a new location, no chance of coming across the ex! None of that awkwardness for me :) Whilst the future that I saw for myself isn't going to happen, so be it. I can't control the future or change the past all I can do is control my current actions.

As for boredom, I try a bit of everything at the moment, go to the gym a lot. But at night is the tough bit, I'm reading 3 books, bought an xbox and I've watched 4 seasons of 'how I met your mother'. I was intending to go overseas but my leave has not been approved so that's off. I've tried to set myself goals to achieve, not sure what yet but where's the fun in that?!

Well, when I say fun, its relative. Being on a base must be challenging. (Like being in a relationship)

But I read & wrote a lot during my heartache. I read my thread 20 times over. Read a bunch too.

Converse with friends & family. Stay close.
Play as many sports as you can.

I was a very good tennis player & neglected stuff like that.
Now Im back.

Im reading "The Alchemist" right now.

Still learning.

Got hooked on "Californication" for a bit.

Then horror movies. Crazy ones.

Whatever floats my boat at the time. To get away from the pain.

Music of course. As a musician that's first & foremost for me.

Whatever you enjoy.

This is the greatest. To start again. You're free.

Vanheart what's a life without challenges, very boring! Living on base is nothing like the movies, well not this base anyway, not going to get any jarhead 'fun'. Tried out my knee for it's first real test, pulled up sore but can still meet min fitness standards not bad for 6 months of running. Still trying to keep busy, reading stieg Larson at the moment, Sherlock holmes and a book on the royal flying doctor service. But boredom is the battle!

Btw I'm still getting texts from her, all they do is p*ss me off! Last one was her saying she was up for a promotion at work. Seriously shouldn't she have someone more important to tell instead of her ex boyfriend? I haven't replied, seems like some token bait put out to see if she will get a complement from me... This ship has sailed! Hopefully she gets the hint soon enough, my patience has run out. BTW blocking on her on fb, best thing I've done for myself so far, god its surprising how much you can be manipulated through it, whether it's intentional or not!

Progress is slow, but as long as its study, and headed in the right direction, you will be fine. Most times we are making better progress than we think, when we stay humble.

Good luck on rehabbing that knee.

You might want to try not reading her texts as well. I don't know why you still do.

Howdy guys, well I thought I'd give an update on what's been going on. Been on the road to recovery and doing pretty well, have been loving the freedom and independence so much. Made a heap of new friends and have even met a few cute girls as well, good fun is being had! Anyway I've come on here for a bit of a vent, got a text from the ex this morning asking how I was going etc. Also that there were some shots due for the dog. God its annoyed the crap out of me that text! Seriously I asked for all the details about this crap before NC so I could walk away and forget about everything! So bloody annoyed, she hasn't told me what the dog is due for either so I'd have to contact her to find out. Feels like blatant attempt to get me to talk with her, feels like an attempt to manipulate me again and she knows that the dog is the only button left she can push!

Bah what an annoying way to start my Saturday!

Can't you contact the vet? I bet if you don't know the vet's name, you could contact a new vet and find out what shots a dog of that age would need. It's worth a try before you think about calling her. It would be great if you could just ignore her text.

I'm glad to hear that otherwise you are doing well.

PS - When you are annoyed, do something physical. Did you try a punching bag yet? :)

I'll try calling the last vet we had next week, haven't used a punching bag yet but I have been going to the gym 5 days a week, today is a rest day for me so I might go and kick a football around instead. I've found it annoying more then anything!

Is it with her or you? The dog I mean...

If its with her leave her to it.

If its with you ignore her and go about your business.

Its annoying you because it stirs up emotions NC has helped to suppress. That's why NC works.

I've got the dog currently, he's in holiday mode having great fun back at my parents place. I walked away from everything else of mine that she has, not worth the trouble! I'm happy that I'm annoyed about it, better then be upset about it!

Don't be her dog.

I don't know why you haven't sorted out the dog ownership yet?

If it belongs to you, you take it to the vet and pay for it.

If its hers, give it back to you.

If you both own it then buy her out or sell you share.

Can't have NC and own a dog together.

Agree NC is NC, no matter what.

We purchased the dog together, we agreed at the time that if we broke up he would go to whoever had the best place for him to stay at. Which in this case was me and I doubt that she will find a place to rent in Sydney that would allow a big dog anyway (in our final talk she said she was going to live overseas next year as well). She walked away from him and I say she might be feeling guilty about that. I was under the impression that he was my dog. She was meant to post the paperwork for him months ago as well as some of my other stuff, she hasn't done it of course so I'll do without. I don't want anything to do with her anymore! So to sum up the dog is mine, no co-ownership, she's just trying to use it as leverage to get me to talk to her (I prseume).

she's just trying to use it as leverage to get me to talk to her (I prseume).

Yeah probably.

Don't let it annoy you... :)

Just keep NC!!

Good.

Don't presume. That's EXACTLY what she's doing.
Guilt. That's how it usually goes. Don't let her suck you in. Let her deal with own guilt.

Screw the paperwork. You have the dog right?

Nice try. To mess with you more. So you can make her feel like she actually has a heart. Oh, well...

Don't respond ever again. She will get the message.

Silence is golden, they say. Its true.

She may just be reminding you that the dog needs shots. Nothing more than that.
That she wants more may be a kind of wishful thinking on your part, hoping she still thinks about you.
Call the vet, take the dog in and be done with it.

Yep could be that too, I was going sort it out next week. Received an abusive text from her at 1am saying that I don't 'reserve the right not to talk to her and that we are still sharing the dog etc.' haven't bothered replying to it yet, figured she was drunk when she sent it. So it looks like I'm going to have to sort it all out then and break NC, not happy!

Didn't you tell her you were going NC and what it meant? If you did, there is nothing to sort out. Stick to the NC. She'll get over it.

So it looks like I'm going to have to sort it all out then and break NC, not happy!

Then don't.

I don't understand why you have to contact her :confused:

Its your dog and its at your parents place. End of story right?

Yep I figured when I said you will 'never here from me or see me ever again' that she would understand it, I think it is a pretty blunt and direct statement. She hasn't gotten the hint though.

Or she's testing you... prove you meant what you said.

Sounds like you haven't gotten the hint.

What NC means.

Want me to explain it to you again?

Geez. Like I said this whole dog thing was to fish & relieve some guilt on her part.

"Received an abusive text from her at 1am saying that I don't 'reserve the right not to talk to her"

See, NC was working & you blew it. Caved in.

Understand now?

Yep i figured when I said you will 'never here from me or see me ever again' that she would understand it, I think it is a pretty blunt and direct statement. She hasn't gotten the hint though.
So what if she has not gotten it. There is no reason for you to reply or contact her. Why would you, unless deep inside you want to.