Wisdom_wanted
Jun 28, 2010, 01:41 PM
OK, this is a little long winded, but it's important to know all the details before assessing if I'm crazy or not! I would love someone's wisdom on this subject - I feel I am crazy!
I started seeing my ex 6 years ago when we started university. We were both 21 at the time. He was my first love and I was head over heals - totally infatuated. I had only just left home, was very immature at the time and had never had a boyfriend. I had never felt such a connection to anyone else, and he felt the same. True soulmate. The problem was, I was, and still am a very insecure person. I felt my emotional reliance on my ex was becoming unhealthy. I couldn't be without him, and whenever I felt down about anything (I later found I was suffering from depression) I would run to him and he would cheer me up.
We went out for three years and went through a lot together. At the end of university (after three years) he moved away to another city (actually, another country) to study for his masters and then Phd. We were planning on visiting each other by train every two weeks. When he left I started to realise I needed to grow as a person and (I know this sounds cheesy) discover myself. There were several other reasons that I wasn't happy with the relationship, but I sometimes wonder if they were good enough reasons to split. I had also gone straight fro relying on my mother for emotional support, to this man.
I decided to break up with him. This broke my heart and I wanted him back. This sounds very selfish, I know. I told him my reasons, but he cut contact.
After 9 months we started emailing and after one year I was visiting him in another country. I wanted this to be the restart of our relationship - he pretended it was just for sex, and complained he could never find girl he liked, like he did me. But I know he still had feelings. We spoke for another 2 months, he visited me for New Years. We feel straight back into things like 1.5 years had never been. He told me he still loved me, and I should come and live with him, but wanted it to be an 'open relationship' until then. I didn't, but went along with it because I still loved him so much. When he left he kept going on about the open relationship idea. This drove me crazy! So much so I went and slept with someone else and told him to gauge his reaction - he said he was fine for about one minute, then started fuming, said he was intensely jealous, that I wasn't the girl he knew and again cut contact with me, again. I sought counselling after this episode.
After another 5 months I met my current boyfriend. I love this man so much and he does treat me well and has asked me to marry him (after one year) and is moving from another city to be with me. However, I occasionally have (not often - but can be intense) thoughts about my ex. I think this happened since I found he had a new girlfriend about a week ago.
My new love isn't the same kind of love - not as intense - is it usual that after a very intense relationship, subsequent love is not the same?
Is this because I relied on my ex so emotionally that when I was feeling down that I have fond thoughts of him? I sometimes wish he was there to comfort me like me used to (but only when I'm feeling insecure), but I don't know if this is love for him, or just my insecurities coming out and I still have learnt to deal with these things on my own? My are my thoughts manifesting in thought of THE EX? Is it so crazy to be thinking about your ex like this after 3 years since the initial relationship?
Help! - Sorry for the length. I hope someone managed to read this all the way through! - I would appreciate advise from anyone who has been in the same situation. They are such confusing feelings. It's making me so sick sometimes I can't eat and don't want it to impact on my new relationship.
I started seeing my ex 6 years ago when we started university. We were both 21 at the time. He was my first love and I was head over heals - totally infatuated. I had only just left home, was very immature at the time and had never had a boyfriend. I had never felt such a connection to anyone else, and he felt the same. True soulmate. The problem was, I was, and still am a very insecure person. I felt my emotional reliance on my ex was becoming unhealthy. I couldn't be without him, and whenever I felt down about anything (I later found I was suffering from depression) I would run to him and he would cheer me up.
We went out for three years and went through a lot together. At the end of university (after three years) he moved away to another city (actually, another country) to study for his masters and then Phd. We were planning on visiting each other by train every two weeks. When he left I started to realise I needed to grow as a person and (I know this sounds cheesy) discover myself. There were several other reasons that I wasn't happy with the relationship, but I sometimes wonder if they were good enough reasons to split. I had also gone straight fro relying on my mother for emotional support, to this man.
I decided to break up with him. This broke my heart and I wanted him back. This sounds very selfish, I know. I told him my reasons, but he cut contact.
After 9 months we started emailing and after one year I was visiting him in another country. I wanted this to be the restart of our relationship - he pretended it was just for sex, and complained he could never find girl he liked, like he did me. But I know he still had feelings. We spoke for another 2 months, he visited me for New Years. We feel straight back into things like 1.5 years had never been. He told me he still loved me, and I should come and live with him, but wanted it to be an 'open relationship' until then. I didn't, but went along with it because I still loved him so much. When he left he kept going on about the open relationship idea. This drove me crazy! So much so I went and slept with someone else and told him to gauge his reaction - he said he was fine for about one minute, then started fuming, said he was intensely jealous, that I wasn't the girl he knew and again cut contact with me, again. I sought counselling after this episode.
After another 5 months I met my current boyfriend. I love this man so much and he does treat me well and has asked me to marry him (after one year) and is moving from another city to be with me. However, I occasionally have (not often - but can be intense) thoughts about my ex. I think this happened since I found he had a new girlfriend about a week ago.
My new love isn't the same kind of love - not as intense - is it usual that after a very intense relationship, subsequent love is not the same?
Is this because I relied on my ex so emotionally that when I was feeling down that I have fond thoughts of him? I sometimes wish he was there to comfort me like me used to (but only when I'm feeling insecure), but I don't know if this is love for him, or just my insecurities coming out and I still have learnt to deal with these things on my own? My are my thoughts manifesting in thought of THE EX? Is it so crazy to be thinking about your ex like this after 3 years since the initial relationship?
Help! - Sorry for the length. I hope someone managed to read this all the way through! - I would appreciate advise from anyone who has been in the same situation. They are such confusing feelings. It's making me so sick sometimes I can't eat and don't want it to impact on my new relationship.