Hi,

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and we have recently moved to a new city together for work and are adjusting to living together. We are both very happy with one another but I'm having some difficulty with my sexual experiences with him. My sex drive has always been higher than his, but now that we've moved into our own place with no roommates to distract or interrupt us, the problem isn't getting better like we expected. We have both been under a lot of stress lately with the move and starting a new life in a strange city and it's taking a toll on my sex life.

I am often finding myself initiating our sexual encounters, despite frequent rejection from him. I have tried initiating it in different places, in safe places, and in exotic places. On the occasion that he is in the mood for some kind of sexual activity, it is only to his benefit. I perform oral sex which he is more than satisfied with, and we often end up with intercourse which he is very "in to"... However, despite asking him to participate during foreplay, perform oral sex on me, or help me climax during sex, he doesn't. I have tried everything I can think of to help spice up our sex life, and I have tried everything I can think of to get him to touch my body, or kiss my body, or even kiss my lips while we are intimate. We have talked about how we can spice things up and he keeps telling me that he is 100% satisfied. When I make suggestions or ask him for specifics he agrees with me, and feels bad that I don't climax for him, yet the next time we are intimate with each other he reverts back to his old ways.

How do I get him to be passionate about having sex with me? He has always been a very sexual person, it just doesn't seem like I factor into his sexual activities.


Sincerely, exhausted


I have tried:
- asking point blank for what I want
- introducing pornography into our sex life
- talking to him about how we can spice things up
- telling him I'm not satisfied
- placing his hands on me during sex
- not being so available for sex all the time
- blind folding him to encourage him to use his other senses
- using visual aids to help get him excited without touching him or letting him touch me, hoping it will build suspense.
- positive reinforcement!

You are speaking a lot about what you are doing to provide the spark. You're not really talking about his position.

What does your boyfriend do for a living? What is his stress level like? He has moved cities, and a new job, and setting up a new house, and setting up a new life. A stressful move, could be that stress is affecting his libido.

The second option is that his libido is naturally low. You've said that he is satisfied with his sex life. It could be that you have mismatched libidos.

What you can do here:
1). Get him to go to a doctor and explain the low libido.
2). Turn off the tap, if he wants it let him ask for it.
3). Therapist. There might be something going on.
4). Evaluate the relationship, is this something you can live with for the rest of your life? A hard question. I am working on that one right now.

I hope that helps.

Delete me

I'd focus on number 4 in the first answer.

My advise is, don't marry the problem. If you can totally solve it good; but if it doesn't show radical and permanent change, imagine how it will be after 15 or more years of the same thing.

I have to agree with the above . Close the vajay-jay door and seriously thik about marriage. You count too in ALL aspects of a relationship. Makes you wonder if he might act this way with other stuff. As always pre marital counseling.

Diagnosis: he's very selfish and stubborn about it, too.
Don't marry this guy!

Maybe he has changed and he wants men. Guys do most anything to please a woman. I got to the point where I couldn’t perform. I would give my wife oral sex and she would have orgasms. It made me happy to make her happy.