I'm not sure how to get over my ex. I've already implemented the NC rules and actually did most of that before I found this website. The hardest part for me has been knowing that he is now in a relationship with a girl he was cheating on me with. Apparently he's been seeing her for months and cheated on me several times over the 6 years we were together. It hurts me that he was so cruel, abusive and plain evil to me and yet he gets to move on and be happy with someone else. Yet, I gave him every bit of my love, support and encouragement only to be cast aside like trash. How do I get over that? I miss him so much sometimes but thinking of him with another woman kills me inside, I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. It just doesn't seem fair that I'm alone when I gave everything to him and to the relationship and he's with someone after being so horrible to me. How do I get over someone who is obviously no good for me and completely toxic. I've been tempted to text him, sometimes to tell him what a creep he's been and sometimes to tell him I miss him and still love him... but I haven't. Usually what I do is call a friend and ask them to help me avoid contacting him. But I work nights and when it's really quiet and I have no work all I can do is think of him. This nc thing is excruciatingly difficult but I know it's the best way to move forward. I'm in so much pain. It's only been 3 weeks since I moved out but he told me 3 months ago that he wanted out. I'm afraid I will never love again because when men come onto me it literally makes me nauseous and terrifies me, will I be so jaded that I'll be alone forever? BTW I should mention that I have never been dumped in my life. Usually I'm the one who ends the relationship so this is a first for me, I don't know how to deal with this pain.

It will take time, and some hard work on your part but you will recover and be better for the experience and the insights you will gain, but it will hurt for a while, so read the stickies (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/) at the front of this forum and do what all of us do when we get dumped and hurt.

Welcome to the club, you are not alone.

Time a big bunch of it right now and NC will make it better. Yes it will suck for awhile but that will pass too. Talaniman is 100% .

Time a big bunch of it right now and NC will make it better. Yes it will suck for awhile but that will pass too. Talaniman is 100% .






Think of the horrible way he treated you and how you are so lucky not to be in this toxic relationship anymore. He's a jerk and the sooner you realize that and move on you'll look back and think "I'm so glad I got away from him".

The new girlfriend will find that out soon enough and by that time I hope to goodness you don't go back. Work on liking yourself and find friends to spend time with. Hope you are better in a few days and you will be... Kit:)

You said all these evil things that he did to you, then you say how you miss him so much. Even if he dumped this girl and wanted to get back with you, it wouldn't work. You shouldn't even want to get back with him, you deserve SO much better. He killed the trust in your relationship, there are lots of guys who will treat you how you deserve to be treated, go find him!!

NC is hard and painful indeed, but it pays at the end. You have to be patient. A lot of us feel the same way you do, including myself. After all they have done, a word, a picture found in your computer, here you go again, missing something you really shouldn't. We tend to remember the good times and I agree with parisrose here, would you even feel comfortable if you were back to him, knowing you can't trust him?

Reading the stickies over and over again, coming here, talking to people helps me a lot. You mentioned you were used to be the one ending the relationships, ask yourself if it's not your hurt pride taking over your feelings. You will be surprised to see how strong you are. NC is the way to go if you want to heal... Don't rush and don't freak out, it's too early to feel comfortable near another man right now so what you feel is normal. Stay calm, don't listen to your impulsions and if you ever feel the urge, we are here. Good luck!

Don't grieve for someone who has treated you so badly. If he comes back and you go back into a relationship with him,you're asking to get burned.

He's verbally and emotionally abused you and I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't become physically abusive to you in the past.

Don't go back down that road.

Well his new girlfriend is an sucker. He might be happy with her now but what's to stop him from cheating on her now or down the road? She'll learn sooner or later. You're doing the right thing by calling your friends and talking about it rather than texting him. Get as much distance as you possibly can.

Well his new girlfriend is an sucker. He might be happy with her now but what's to stop him from cheating on her now or down the road? She'll learn sooner or later. You're doing the right thing by calling your friends and talking about it rather than texting him. Get as much distance as you possibly can.

This is great advice!

I understand that you feel wronged, you have been but whatever you put into a relationship should be unconditional and its partly why you feel so hurt, you gave to the relationship with conditions, and they weren't met, he's cheated on you and this hurts you which is understandable.

You're doing good with the NC if you were to contact him again you would merely be re-opening the wounds and invalidating all the good you've done by remaining in NC.

Calling a friend is a good idea keep doing that.

When you're feeling down and hurting try to remind yourself of what he did, and that in real terms you've been let out of something that was not doing you or yourself esteem any good. Just keep telling yourself I am worth more, I am good I am better off without this cheater.

In time you'll find the right man for you, and when you do you'll be glad you got away from this other man, who had no respect for you.

It hurts I know but remember whatever hurts us makes us stronger, and its all character building stuff that will serve you well in any future relationship.

Plus you deserve more much more and in time you'll get it.

Hold on and keep doing as you are you'll get there.

Just chalk this up to a very bad experience and thank God you're out of it.

He's verbally and emotionally abused you and I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't become physically abusive to you in the past.

Don't go back down that road.


Kitkat you're right... he was physically abusive as well, at one point I really believed he was trying to kill me, he through me onto the sofa then started to choke me. I'm a determined strong woman so I never backed down to him and I fought back which at first I thought he respected me for it but toward the end I think he was angry about it because he couldn't control me.

Anyway, I know in my head you're all right about NC being the best route and I know I'm doing the right thing... at least my head knows that, it's my heart that can't stop wanting him back. I wish I could get my heart to the same level my head is in but I guess that will take time and patience. Patience is a trait I have never possessed.

Thank you all so much. Visiting this forum has been a salvation for my heart.

Kitkat you're right...he was physically abusive as well, at one point I really believed he was trying to kill me, he through me onto the sofa then started to choke me. I'm a determined strong woman so I never backed down to him and I fought back which at first I thought he respected me for it but toward the end I think he was angry about it because he couldn't control me.

Anyway, I know in my head you're all right about NC being the best route and I know I'm doing the right thing...at least my head knows that, it's my heart that can't stop wanting him back. I wish I could get my heart to the same level my head is in but I guess that will take time and patience. Patience is a trait I have never possessed.

Thank you all so much. Visiting this forum has been a salvation for my heart.

Lena... abusers do not change. I was married to one many years ago.
I got out after abuse you could never imagine. No they don't change.
Listen to me... even after all that horrible, humiliating period in my life when I did leave, I actually missed him .

That's part of the abuse, they tell you no one else will want you and they make you feel you are the one is wrong and after a while you start to think maybe I am at fault. They brainwash you and finally you're free and you still second guess yourself.

Don't ever let him do that to you again. You are someone! You are a good person and you are special. Like me you just picked the wrong guy. I met a wonderful man several years after my Divorce and we have been married a long time. The pain will go away. He hasn't crushed your spirit... God Bless You

I too was married to an abuser, and it almost cost me my life, he went to stab me, I grabbed the knife and luckily for me seeing the blood spurting out of my hand stopped him from carrying on.

So if you've been in an abusive relationship, then you've had a lucky escape.

I understand how hard it is to get over a relationship even a bad one, but you will find it does get easier, day by day you'll get over it, and look back and realise that you too had a lucky escape.

Abusers don't love their victims,
So don't be a victim be a survivor like I am, this will pass...

6 years is a long time. You have every right to feel completely crushed, mad, and lonely.

More then likely the reason he moved on so fast is because the relationship was over long before he broke up with you. It was probably over the first time he cheated on you. He may have corrected his behavior THEN, but the relationship just wasn't strong enough to keep him around.

Just think.. he'll probably cheat on the girl he's with now. Quite honestly, I think the people who constantly cheat on people aren't very happy people in the first place. Mostly with themselves. People who are true to themselves and respect others don't cheat.

Stay strong! I wish I could give you a hug right now!

Its going to take awhile to get over this. Don't expect it to go away within a couple of months. It may be a couple of years before you feel ready to put yourself into another relationship. Don't rush yourself. Rushing yourself will only make you more miserable.

Take this time to miss him. Take this time to reflect on all the good times and all the bad times. Take this time to find yourself again and find what makes you happy. Build strong relationships with your friends again. Spend some money on yourself :) Just heal.

As for the guys who hit on you.. Just forget about them. All guys are opportunists.. They're probably excited your single! When you start to feel a bit better about yourself, maybe go on a no strings attatched date. Maybe do a double date. But only when you feel as if your ready.

All those feelings will go away. Just let the pain take its course. Everything gets worse before it gets better.

Good luck :)

6 years is a long time. You have every right to feel completely crushed, mad, and lonely.

More then likely the reason he moved on so fast is because the relationship was over long before he broke up with you. It was probably over the first time he cheated on you. He may have corrected his behavior THEN, but the relationship just wasnt strong enough to keep him around.

Just think.. he'll probably cheat on the girl he's with now. Quite honestly, I think the people who constantly cheat on people arent very happy people in the first place. Mostly with themselves. People who are true to themselves and respect others dont cheat.

Stay strong! I wish I could give you a hug right now!

Its going to take awhile to get over this. Dont expect it to go away within a couple of months. It may be a couple of years before you feel ready to put yourself into another relationship. Dont rush yourself. Rushing yourself will only make you more miserable.

Take this time to miss him. Take this time to reflect on all the good times and all the bad times. Take this time to find yourself again and find what makes you happy. Build strong relationships with your friends again. Spend some money on yourself :) Just heal.

As for the guys who hit on you.. Just forget about them. All guys are opportunists.. They're probably excited your single! When you start to feel a bit better about yourself, maybe go on a no strings attatched date. Maybe do a double date. But only when you feel as if your ready.

All those feelings will go away. Just let the pain take its course. Everything gets worse before it gets better.

Good luck :)

Lena stay strong. We're here for you! You can do this!

Yes I agree with Kit you can always come here when it gets too hard to bear, We are happy to help you through this in anyway we can.

You're not alone, and you're a darn sight better than that love rat ex of yours.

He will get his come uppance...

You've one thing he`ll never have and that's Integrity...

The best revenge is when he finds out how badly he messed up and you have moved on! The shoe will be on the other foot!

Or up his backside , lol

You'll find your mr right, and it'll be worth every pain or heart break you've experienced.

Wow! Thank you all so much for your encouraging words and for sharing your stories with me. Every time I start to feel lonely or just plain crazy for missing him, I come here and start to feel so much better. I can't express how much this site has helped me. I will get through this with plenty of time.

Wow! Thank you all so much for your encouraging words and for sharing your stories with me. Everytime I start to feel lonely or just plain crazy for missing him, I come here and start to feel so much better. I can't express how much this site has helped me. I will get through this with plenty of time.

We're here for you! We've all been through some kind of hurt and we will help you... Sweet Dreams:)

Come here anytime you feel you need us, we will be here to help you through the up days, down days, happy days and thoughtful days, and also on the day you can come here and tell us Im finally over him.

That's what this site is all about helping others through their experiences with support and understanding...

I don't believe in soul mates.

Sure... I think there are Really Special People we meet along the way that might be great fits for us...

But c'mon... a few billion people on this earth and just one is right for you? And he happens to be within ten miles of ja?

I don't buy it.

I get the pain from knowing a love is with another. Its common. The hurt is relentless. Until it isn't.

And it usually isn't when you are with someone else... or you've finally knocked down all the noise that kept you in pain...

When a love breaks up with you, its harder. First... that other person usually has been thinkig about the break longer than you... and they've cycled through the "should i or shouldnt i" noise a lot longer... to you, it is raw... to him, its at least been thought though a time or two... that's no relief of pain for you, but it does help you understand that he might be moving on before you because he was out long before you.

I remember one love playing the "i just dont want to date anyone right now" card... well, within a month she was with another guy... she'd been thinking about a break for a time... not sure of it... but thinking about it and circling around the pros and cons...

So...

Here's the truth... the father I am from past loves, in time, the easier it is... my first Really Big Love Lost? Glad she's married. Good for her. Sorry for him. Meow.

The next Big Love Lost? Same thing. Glad to think she is happy with another boy.

Same for the next.

And next.

Now.. the last Big Love Lost. Its still too raw. But in time, I trust, it will change.

So... sorry you are in this place. But it really is sometimes to be hurting and not knowing why it went "wrong"... because even if you were all in, he wasn't.

And that's on him, not you.

So... welcome to the club. We're mortal. Sometimes we call the break. Sometimes it t bones us and shakes us to the core.

Trust that you are not going to always feel like this. I damn near promise this, from my own experience... it just takes much too long to get to the better place. But it's there.

i dont believe in soul mates.

sure... i think there are Really Special People we meet along the way that might be great fits for us...

but c'mon... a few billion people on this earth and just one is right for you? and he happens to be within ten miles of ja?

i dont buy it.

i get the pain from knowing a love is with another. its common. the hurt is relentless. until it isnt.

and it usually isnt when you are with someone else... or youve finally knocked down all the noise that kept you in pain...

when a love breaks up with you, its harder. first... that other person usually has been thinkig about the break longer than you... and they've cycled through the "should i or shouldnt i" noise a lot longer... to you, it is raw... to him, its at least been thought though a time or two... thats no relief of pain for you, but it does help you understand that he might be moving on before you because he was out long before you.

i remember one love playing the "i just dont want to date anyone right now" card... well, within a month she was with another guy... she'd been thinking about a break for a time... not sure of it... but thinking about it and circling around the pros and cons...

so...

heres the truth... the father i am from past loves, in time, the easier it is... my first Really Big Love Lost? glad shes married. good for her. sorry for him. meow.

the next Big Love Lost? same thing. glad to think she is happy with another boy.

same for the next.

and next.

now.. the last Big Love Lost. its still too raw. but in time, i trust, it will change.

so... sorry you are in this place. but it really is sometimes to be hurting and not knowing why it went "wrong"... because even if you were all in, he wasnt.

and thats on him, not you.

so... welcome to the club. we're mortal. sometimes we call the break. sometimes it t bones us and shakes us to the core.

trust that you are not going to always feel like this. i damn near promise this, from my own experience... it just takes much too long to get to the better place. but its there.

It does take time and times goes by so slowly sometimes we wonder if it will ever end. It does.

I was with my boyfriend for 6 years. I gave so much to him in those years. He was an abused and neglected child who grew up in a violent home and he's carried that anger and violence with him his whole life. His father abused him physically, mentally and emotionally and guess what... he abused me in all the same ways. When I first met him I thought he was a complete a**hole and I hated him but after 6 months I realized it was just a front or a wall he puts up to keep people out because he's afraid of being hurt. He has a great deal of self-hatred and he thinks the whole world hates him and everyone is out to get him. I went into the relationship believing that if I gave him all the love and encouragement he never had, than I could change how he feels about himself. I truly believed I could "fix" him. I thought my love would be enough to bring him the happiness he's never had before. I talked him up all the time and told him what a good person he is inside, how good looking he is, how amazing he is as a lover... I pulled out all the stops and gave him every compliment or encouraging remark I could think of.
I gave him everything I had in me and after 6 years he left me for some lowly, trashy woman who he was cheating on me with. Then I found out from HIS friends that he'd been cheating on me for years. I only moved out 1 month ago and it is still so incredibly painful to be without him. I gave him everything I had and he turned around and cast me aside like garbage. It hurts so much and the pain is still so fresh and so raw and so unbearable sometimes. I made the mistake of thinking I could make him happy when in reality, the burden of his happiness is not mine to bear. Only he can make himself happy. I do still miss him so very much and I love him with all my heart. But I feel so betrayed and hurt I know I could never let him back into my life.
How could someone I loved for so long and gave so much of my soul to treat me that way then move on so quickly with another woman? Every single person who knew us as a couple... and I do mean EVERY SINGLE PERSON... has told me I should never have been with him, he never deserved me and I could do so much better. That only makes me wonder even more... If I was truly too good for him then why did he leave me for this classic “trailer-park-trash” woman?

*************

He left because he wasn't there to begin with.

His friends have told you that she was in the picture for years. Have you paid attention to that fact?

Let him and all of that pain go. Give yourself permission to heal. The abused person you need to take care of is yourself as you should have been doing all along.

I am going to suggest you get counseling and find a support group for abused women. I think it is very important that you realize you aren't alone or the first one to go through this.

Give yourself a chance to move forward.

I was in a relationship for many years and when we broke up I longed so badly to tell him I missed him I told my best Friend I was going to text her as if I was going to be sending it to him . Like I would text I love you so much I miss you I long to be near you and then I would send it to her .I got it off my chest and she would send me one back with supportive words understanding words , sometimes it helps because we text before all the time so it was breaking that habit as well . Friends Rock !

Hang in there Lena.

Come here anytime you feel you need us, we will be here to help you through the up days, down days, happy days and thoughtful days, and also on the day you can come here and tell us Im finally over him.

Thats what this site is all about helping others through their experiences with support and understanding....


I look forward to the day I can say I'm finally over him. I'm working toward that goal every single minute of the day. Thank you.

I look forward to the day I can say I'm finally over him. I'm working toward that goal every single minute of the day. Thank you.

You'll get there... one day at a time... we're here for you!:)

Every single person who knew us as a couple...and I do mean EVERY SINGLE PERSON...has told me I should never have been with him, he never deserved me and I could do so much better. That only makes me wonder even more...]If I was truly too good for him then why did he leave me for this classic “trailer-park-trash” woman[/U]?

There's your answer right there in the last sentence of your text as quoted above...

Threads merged. You don't have to keep starting new threads about the same thing.



It's been such a bad week for me. I've gone from sad to depressed to just plain pathetic. I can't eat, I don't sleep very well and I can't stop thinking of my ex-boyfriend John. All I can do is cry myself to sleep and hope when I wake up it will all be better.

Since he broke up with me the stress has become overwhelming. Add to the break-up the fact that I've started a new job with more responsibility and my grandmother had a stroke. Well this all lead me to start smoking. Yesterday I tried to quit and after 10 1/2 hours I became physically ill. The stress of the break-up and quitting were just too much at once and I came so close to contacting him. I wrote a text message to tell him I still love him but I didn't send it. I'd rather smoke than give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he's broken me.

Tonight I wrote a letter to my friends to vent and let out all of my sadness and it did ease the pain. I don't know where I would be without my friends and you folks on this site. This pain is just too much sometimes, I don't wish it on anyone. Not even the woman he left me for but it's only a matter of time before he does it to her... this is his pattern and he'll never change.

My ex boyfriend text me today and ask "Are you ever going to speak to me again?" I didn't respond and have no intention of ever responding. That one text was worth all the depression I have been feeling this week because of him. Now I know the bastard DOES think about me and DOES still want me in his life. Maybe his new girlfriend isn't all that he thought she would be, maybe the challenge of having both of us is over and that bothers him, maybe he misses me... poor poor baby, life's a all around. Whatever his reasons for contacting me he can go eat and howl at the moon!

I was so depressed this week, crying myself to sleep, not eating and feeling pitiful. All I've wanted to know is if he thinks of me, does he miss me, is he so happy with his new girlfriend (the trailer park trash he cheated on me with) that he no longer cares about me at all. Well my questions have been answered and I feel a huge relief. If he didn't think of me, didn't care and didn't miss me then he would never want to know if I will speak to him. He still wants me in his life but I will not be another of his ex-girlfriends to sit back and wait for him to come back. He betrayed my trust and abused me, he doesn't deserve anything I offered him and now he will always wonder and regret his actions.

You go girl! I'm applauding for you.

Kudos to you, keep it up! Don't let that scum have any part of you.

In spite of all the pain you've been through, you've got exactly the right attitude toward the jerk! Keep up the good work!

Good for you that's the spirit you're moving on, and it will be his loss, just keep on ignoring him, he deserves all he gets.


CONGRATULATIONS, You're DOING GREAT!!

Yayy!! This was great to read, I'm glad you are moving on!!

You rock Lena!

Way to go, its great when someone finally gets it and does what's best for them and not the person they've started to get over and move on from.

WooHoo...

As Kat said You Go Girl...

Way to go, its great when someone finally gets it and does whats best for them and not the person theyve started to get over and move on from.

WooHoo.....

As Kat said You Go Girl....




Put on the song, "I Will Survive" and boogie down! If you start thinking about him again and start getting mad, put a picture of a horses butt on the wall and throw darts at it. Pretend it's his face.

Glad to hear you made a good, healthy step forward.

A thing ill mention... might seem silly, but it works for me.

When going through a really, awful breakup... one that just tore me apart... there was a moment when I guess I just expected to feel like crap. I mean, for far too long there were anxious swings and ugly moments that would just derail me. Didn't want the marriage to end. Didn't want to be away from my son. That simple. That hard.

But... somewhere along the way I started just expecting those swings. Suddenly, when that Really Ugly Moment came along I'd think "mkay... there it is... was waiting for that crap moment"... and expecting diminishes it.

Instead of fearing those low points, or reacting to them with the will-i-ever-not-feel-like-this angle... there's some comfort in simply expecting that lousy moment or day or week.

So... again... glad you are taking a good move ahead. Keep it up.

I've lost a couple of really Big Loves I my life. I don't believe in soul mates. I don't believe that I'm so special that I'm the Only Man for any one woman when there a few billion people on this earth. Likewise for my ex. She might be all that and a bag o' chips, but really... I just don't think that That Perfect Person is Perfectly placed within your general vicinity.

I just don't believe any one person is the only person that can "complete" another.

Uhm... threadjacking I am... my point was to be that your ex isn't worth the torture that you put yourself through until you decide that the ex just isn't all that... and that even then, you Will have Lousy Days.

Sucks to be mortal. Oh well.

Thank you all very much for the words of encouragement. I feel vindicated after getting his text. It's truly enough for me to know that he still thinks of me, he regrets leaving me and he still wants me in his life. It's enough for me to walk away and know that I will make it through this. Now the regrets, the sadness and the guilt are coming down on HIM. Now it's his turn to wonder why I'm not contacting him. Karma's a b*tch and all I have to say is good bye and good riddance to bad rubbish!

In this case Silence is truly Golden! He will never hear from me again.

Thank you all very much for the words of encouragement. I feel vindicated after getting his text. It's truly enough for me to know that he still thinks of me, he regrets leaving me and he still wants me in his life. It's enough for me to walk away and know that I will make it through this. Now the regrets, the sadness and the guilt are coming down on HIM. Now it's his turn to wonder why I'm not contacting him. Karma's a b*tch and all I have to say is good bye and good riddance to bad rubbish!!

In this case Silence is truly Golden! He will never hear from me again.


You are better than anything he happens to date.

My ex boyfriend text me today and ask "Are you ever going to speak to me again?" I didn't respond and have no intention of ever responding. That one text was worth all the depression I have been feeling this week because of him. Now I know the bastard DOES think about me and DOES still want me in his life. Maybe his new gf isn't all that he thought she would be, maybe the challenge of having both of us is over and that bothers him, maybe he misses me...poor poor baby, life's a all around. Whatever his reasons for contacting me he can go eat and howl at the moon!

I was so depressed this week, crying myself to sleep, not eating and feeling pitiful. All I've wanted to know is if he thinks of me, does he miss me, is he so happy with his new gf (the trailer park trash he cheated on me with) that he no longer cares about me at all. Well my questions have been answered and I feel a huge relief. If he didn't think of me, didn't care and didn't miss me then he would never want to know if I will speak to him. He still wants me in his life but I will not be another of his ex-girlfriends to sit back and wait for him to come back. He betrayed my trust and abused me, he doesn't deserve anything I offered him and now he will always wonder and regret his actions.

Oh the sweet reward of knowing he thinks about you ;) You go girl hang tough

Oh the sweet reward of knowing he thinks about you ;) You go girl hang tough

That's exactly what it feels like... a reward for sitting around for a month wallowing in misery, sadness and depression, crying myself to sleep, not eating, I've lost 20lbs and gained about a billion more gray hairs. But I do almost feel like it's been worth it just to know he thinks of me. I am NOT forgotten, I am NOT forgettable, I AM on his mind, he wants me in his life and he does miss me.

I'm not over him by far. There is still a long road ahead before I'm completely healed and whole again but knowing that I am on his mind lets me know that on some level he is also hurting even if it's a small bit, he has regret and that is a thought that pushes me onward and upward. There is no doubt in my mind that he is not feeling the great deal of pain that I feel but knowing he feels anything at all is reward enough.

That's exactly what it feels like...a reward for sitting around for a month wallowing in misery, sadness and depression, crying myself to sleep, not eating, I've lost 20lbs and gained about a billion more gray hairs. But I do almost feel like it's been worth it just to know he thinks of me. I am NOT forgotten, I am NOT forgettable, I AM on his mind, he wants me in his life and he does miss me.

I'm not over him by far. There is still a long road ahead before I'm completely healed and whole again but knowing that I am on his mind lets me know that on some level he is also hurting even if it's a small bit, he has regret and that is a thought that pushes me onward and upward. There is no doubt in my mind that he is not feeling the great deal of pain that I feel but knowing he feels anything at all is reward enough.

What goes round comes round and he deserves everything he feels. You may not agree, but I I think it's good he's going through some of the pain you went through. I've always thought the way you treat someone.. good or bad will come back to you.

Lena, go girl! 6years is a lot of pain occupying your heart. Its hard to mess around with emotions, but DO come here and talk all the sh*t out of him and take one step at a time. Ups and downs, we're with you, cause WE FELT IT TOO!

Lena, go girl! 6years is alot of pain occupying your heart. Its hard to mess around with emotions, but DO come here and talk all the sh*t out of him and take one step at a time. Ups and downs, we're with you, cause WE FELT IT TOO!



Yes we are!:D

Maybe I shouldn't post this here but I'd like to update everyone on my situation. You've all been a great help and I'd like continued input.

My ex, John kept texting me this last week and this past weekend. He said things he's never said to me in the 6 years we were together so I decided to give him a chance to explain and "make peace" as he put it. We talked in length about things and the result is, we're going to Relationship Therapy. You'd have to know John to understand how HUGE of a comittment that is. His ex-wife left him because he refused to go to marriage counseling with her and all his life, although he knows he has mental issues and childhood trauma to deal with, he's refused to seek therapy. He offered to go to therapy himself, it wasn't my suggestion. I never considered getting back with him unless he did therapy and I gave up hope on him because I simply believe therapy was NOT an option for him.

We've decided to take things slowly and re-build from the ground up with a solid foundation of friendship and eventually courtship. When we agreed to meet I fully expected a quick apology followed by some begging to get back together and some sexual advances. Well to my surprise, he never even attempted to kiss me. When he showed up he was physically shaking and crying. He admitted he fk'd things up and pushed me away. He apologized many many many times for hurting me and pushing me away and he said he felt like nothing he did could make me happy. He thought I hated him and would be happier without him. He admitted that being away from me, not speaking and not seeing me was what he needed to realize how important I was to him and just how much he truly loves me. He's said that I'm the only woman for him, the only thing in his life that mattered and the only thing person that made him happy... he has NEVER EVER said that to me before.

We're not moving in together and we're not picking it up from where we left off. We're starting this right and he says he's willing to do "absolutely anything it takes to get (me) back". We've also decided that since we're both poor communicators and always end up fighting, we wouldn't discuss all the infidelities, anger, fights and abuse until we are in therapy. We both want a third party professional present to help us communicate like adults, keep things civil and resolve the issues. Not only are we doing relationship therapy for "us" and "our relationship" but he's going to therapy for himself to resolve some of his childhood abuse issues.

I believe he's being completely honest with me and since he's not tried to get me into bed and flat out said "we have the rest of our lives for that" I believe he's being sincere. We've made no promises to each other except one promise that he made to me... IF and ONLY IF therapy works for us, he wants to marry me. Again that is a HUGE HUGE deal for him. He never wanted to be married not even to his ex-wife. He married her because she gave him an ultimatum to either get married or break up and as I've mentioned before, his greatest fear is being alone. So rather than be alone he married her but she was in complete control of the entire wedding and marriage including buying her own engagement ring and buying a trailer together. He's told me many times with absolute sincerity that I am "the only woman he wants to marry" I am "the only woman he wants to make his wife and the only woman he wants to have his name"

Admittedly I'm scared about getting hurt again, but is there any reason I shouldn't at least give this a try? Especially if he is willing to go to therapy. I'm going into this with Cautious Optimism and my eyes wide open. I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. I may be setting myself up for another broken heart but I see his pain, he seems very sincere and he's willing to give me what he's never given any other woman, meaning the therapy and a marriage proposal.

Is there any other advice you can give me so that I'm well prepared?

Again, maybe I shouldn't post this here because I know this is not the typical outcome of NC and others may develop false hope for their relationships but after 6 years of history I feel we owe each other a second chance as long as we do it right.


Opinions? Questions? Comments? Concerns?

Oh and by the way, he did break up with that other girl. She posted on her FB how she's had her heartbroken and will never trust another man. She's also changed her status to single, so I know he's been honest about that.

Oh and btw, he did break up with that other girl. She posted on her FB how she's had her heartbroken and will never trust another man. She's also changed her status to single, so I know he's been honest about that.

I really don't know what to say. I don't want to burst your bubble, but are you sure this is the way to go?

Don't worry about bursting my bubble, I want honest answers. I'm afraid, I really am and I know I could set myself up for more hurt in the future. But, as I've mentioned, he says he's willing to do things he's never done for anyone else. He really seems sincere and I know he has to not only be WILLING to go to therapy but actually participate in therapy before I consider going any further. The only way to know for sure is to try and again, with 6 years of history, good and bad, shouldn't we give this a try? I know he's really hurt me and been plain cruel but we did also have some great memories. When it was bad it was horrible but when it was good, it was great! We've never had therapy before so I believe this is the best and probably the only route to try and work things out. If therapy doesn't work then it's hopeless but shouldn't we at least try something we've never tried before? Don't we owe it to ourselves to try? I'm scared but hopeful that maybe this could help.

Don't worry about bursting my bubble, I want honest answers. I'm afraid, I really am and I know I could set myself up for more hurt in the future. But, as I've mentioned, he says he's willing to do things he's never done for anyone else. He really seems sincere and I know he has to not only be WILLING to go to therapy but actually participate in therapy before I consider going any further. The only way to know for sure is to try and again, with 6 years of history, good and bad, shouldn't we give this a try? I know he's really hurt me and been plain cruel but we did also have some great memories. When it was bad it was horrible but when it was good, it was great! We've never had therapy before so I believe this is the best and probably the only route to try and work things out. If therapy doesn't work then it's hopeless but shouldn't we at least try something we've never tried before? Don't we owe it to ourselves to try? I'm scared but hopeful that maybe this could help.





Let me give this some thought! You give it some thought also. Weigh the pros and the cons. You've come a long way. I would hate to see you crushed and hurt again.

Don't do it. Its not worth it.

Hes a liar, a cheater & a physical abuser.

Don't worry about trying to salvage 6 years.

You were doing so well, & contact & texts pushed you over the edge.

His words may be one thing but his actions have spoke volumes.

I would hope after 6 years & being crapped on you know him better then to change.

Stuff just didn't go as planned for him so he's crying back to the only person that will let him.

You.

Lena.. some of the experts can give you great advice. I would but I don't want to say the wrong thing.

Just hold on and wait for one of them to give you some advice... OK

lena:

I usually don't read long posts, but for some reason, possibly my inability to sleep, I read it.

I was in the same spot where you were 2 years ago. My exgirlfriend had left me out of the blue for some other guy. I was devastated and miserable, and that's actually the reason I came onto this website. A lot of members told me to get away from her and STAY away, and I rarely listened, because the emotions inside me told me that I should try and get her back... a good kick in the butt from someone here (cough, cough, tal) forced me to leave her alone. 6 months later, she came back to me, begging and pleading, and I was tempted... but I knew that I valued myself too much to go through that again.

Why did I not go back? Well, I thought about it logically. If I indeed take her back, it would be entirely too difficult for me to trust her fully. Every time a guy got close to her, I knew I'd be extra-vigilant... things would never go back to the way it was, and I knew the relationship would never be the same. Not to mention the scrutiny I would endure from friends. So with that in mind, with the reminder how badly she had hurt me, I declined.

Fast forward 2 years...

because of what she did, I am a better person. I met a new girlfriend a few months ago, and things couldn't be better. At first, I had a few trust issues because of what had happened, but after I explained it to her, she was fully understanding and even helped me to get over it. Honestly, I am much better off.

Now, for your story... can you ever see yourself forgiving him FULLY for what he did? This wasn't a "I got drunk and had a one night stand-cheating"... it was a "It happened quite a bit-cheating." Can you honestly forgive him for everything he did to hurt you? Can you ever trust him FULLY again? Do you actually believe the promises he made, or do you see yourself just believing his words because that's what you want to hear?

Lena could you forgive him? I'm skeptical as to his motives. I think he knows you were strong enough to walk away and he is seeing his mistakes.

Counseling may help, but would he stick to it? You would be right back to square one. I'm sorry but I think you should just leave him alone.

Exactly.

You are forgiving him once again.

Why?

Scared of no one else out there? C'mon.

Now you can discover the cool, respectful and loving people out there. One that's don't pull that stuff.

Don't waste any more time.

You can latch on to all the good memories you want to justify his actions. But...

This is all about respect to yourself. And dignity.
You haven't been getting any from this guy.

Hes just a habit you got to kick, that's all.

I know you're probably all right and maybe I should just walk away and let him go for good. But I know myself and if I do walk away, I'd always wonder if I made a mistake by not giving therapy a chance. I'd always regret what might've been if we'd given it a real chance. Isn't it possible that therapy could work? Sure, he may be telling me what I want to hear and maybe it will fail but isn't there just as much of a chance that this will work and maybe he HAS really changed? People can change! I did. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can pick yourself up and change your life for the better. Isn't it possible that this could be exactly what he needed to finally get the help he has needed for more than 30 years. He's finally willing to get help, that's a HUGE HUGE step for him. I know it's more than what he says that counts, it's what he does that counts but how am I going to know what he's willing to DO if I don't have him the chance. I've always said that if I do walk away from him I can at least hold my head high knowing that I did absolutely everything possible to make it work. I can't say that anymore can I? I'd have to give therapy a chance before I can say that.. He wasn't willing to do it before but he is now, isn't that worth something?

What's your hurry? If you take your time, and make a thoughtful decision based on facts, and not just feelings, you give yourself the chance to make a good decision.Ever notice when things happen fast, you get caught up in them, and have no time to think? I hear all your emotional arguments, and they sound great on paper at least.

I highly hope you give him time to see is is words, and willing attitude, translates into positive actions, that match those words. Let him go into therapy for himself, and by himself, if he is so willing to help himself. He has been lying, and cheating, using, and abusing, so long, it would be unwise for you to give him any crutch to do what he has to do for himself, to make him better.

While he has finally gotten the right idea, its him that must take the right steps at this time, and make his own decision without your influence.

That helps him be responsible for his own actions, and lets him put more than words on the table. There is absolutely no hurry, or reason for you to jump back into anything with him at this time, because he needs space to work on himself.

It does neither of you any good to ignore what has happened, and not recognize what is right for you both, and relationship counseling as a couple is not what's needed, but his own individual counseling is, for him, and for you, keep with the healing process, for yourself.

There is no hurry for you to follow him, until he proves himself, to himself, and gets a better idea that this is what he wants, and not just another leap from one person, to another so he doesn't have to be alone.

That fact is why you get a safe emotional distance from him, and stay there, so you don't let false hope trap you into someone who talks the talk, all of a sudden, but has yet to walk the walk.

He needs the space and time to do that, so let him have it, and speak no more of taking it slow or other nonsense at this time.

Giving him a chance when you know he isn't ready is setting you both up. And taking your time to let events play themselves out before you make a decision, gives YOU the option, and opportunity, and time, to get the FACTS.

If he is real, he will be better in 6 months. If he is not, well you are still healing. So stop justifying to yourself that taking him back is the right thing to do, because it may not be at this time.

I ask again, what's your hurry to put yourself back in this situation, before he has had a chance to PROVE he deserves your heart again?

Sit back and watch the actions, and see if the words match.

But I know myself and if I do walk away, I'd always wonder if I made a mistake by not giving therapy a chance. I'd always regret what might've been if we'd given it a real chance.

That is a terrible weight to carry on your shoulders. My last girlfriend had this weight on her shoulders, and I wish she had gotten her closure before we met. If that is what it takes for you to move on in your life, then go for it. But know that through your unbearable pain, he was with another woman. Now that he is feeling pain, you are coming back. Is he really learning anything here? I know that the heart wants what the heart wants, and stepping away from a 6 year relationship is a hard thing to do, but do you really what you want to go back to the infidelity, physical abuse, emotional abuse?

Counseling is a great idea, but maybe you should see one on your own to find out what's going on with you before trying to figure out what's going on with yours and his relationship.

Lena.. we just don't want you to get your hopes built up about this
Guy. You deserve so much more than what he gave you. You have come so far. I just don't want to
Give you hope when there may not be any.

I don't think men like him change.
I think he realizes you are strong and he can't stand it. Please think about this.

I hope you're okay? Are You?

I'm not rushing into anything. I'm not back with him and we're not moving in together or rushing into marriage. We're simply going to try therapy for the first time. Once we've been in therapy for a while we can decided, with the help of our therapist, whether this relationship is salvageable or if we should both walk away. I'm fully aware that there may be no hope here and I'm aware that he may be saying all the right things to get me back... I'm aware of all of those things. I know all the bad!! But why is everyone ignoring the one good thing here... he is finally willing to try therapy! Isn't that what married/committed people do before they give up all hope on their relationship? Isn't that the right course of action before you throw in the towel? Yes he's hurt me physically and emotionally and there is no excuse for his cheating but does that mean it's completely impossible for a person to change? IF and ONLY IF therapy works, then I believe he will be a different person and one worth taking a chance on. If therapy does not work, then I'll be right back where I was one month ago. Either way, I think it's a chance I should take.

1800Proof, I think you get it. I'm not re-committing to him and I'm not giving up hope completely. I'm simply giving this a last ditch effort. I don't want to live with regrets or ask myself 5 years from now "What if?" At least if it doesn't work, I can say I tried everything humanly possible.

Honestly, this guy seems like way too much work. He is probably not going to worth it in the end. Some relationships just don't work out, that's the fact of life. Maybe he agreed to therapy only as a way to manipulate you back - who knows how he will behave 6 months from now when therapy is over and things re back to "normal". His "normal".

I'm so sorry lena. I wish I could have said "go for it"... but I didn't feel comfortable doing that.

I wish you happiness and please keep posting... Kit

Thank you all for your honesty. You've certainly given me a lot to think about and as much as it pains me, I do have to face the realities of what he's done to me in the past. I was really hoping (and still do hope) after a year of therapy we could move forward in this relationship and finally be a real family. I'm not sure what will happen. I can only take it one day at a time right now. I already have my own therapist who I've been seeing for several years and she suggested someone for our relationship issues. I guess for now I'll give it a few sessions and see where that goes. I have no intentions of moving in with him or getting married for a minimum of one year and ONLY if therapy goes well and he proves he's trying to change.

Either way, I do thank you all for your honest advice. I will keep posting as the situation changes. I just pray the changes are for the better.

Thank you all for your honesty. You've certainly given me a lot to think about and as much as it pains me, I do have to face the realities of what he's done to me in the past. I was really hoping (and still do hope) after a year of therapy we could move forward in this relationship and finally be a real family. I'm not sure what will happen. I can only take it one day at a time right now. I already have my own therapist who I've been seeing for several years and she suggested someone for our relationship issues. I guess for now I'll give it a few sessions and see where that goes. I have no intentions of moving in with him or getting married for a minimum of one year and ONLY if therapy goes well and he proves he's trying to change.

Either way, I do thank you all for your honest advice. I will keep posting as the situation changes. I just pray the changes are for the better.


I wish you the best and I hope he does change. God can change him... I really believe that. You are in my prayers and you post anytime you want too.

Go back & read Tal's post & think about.

Its all about how much time you want to invest.

If he wants therapy, then let him get it & decide for himself what it is he wants.

Not for you to save. Or force.

I say just enjoy the now. Life is too short.

Fix your moments, not him.

Lena, we're here if you need us. You will be fine. You're strong and you'll get through this.

I made the final decision to seek therapy with John. He also is going to do therapy for himself. There is a lot of childhood trauma that he doesn't even recall. In fact, I know things about his traumatic past that he doesn't remember. He needs this more than anything and whether we work out as a couple or not, I want to be there to support him. I believe a lot of events are going to come up that will overwhelm him emotionally and he's going to need his friends to help him through. As for "us" I have very positive feelings but I am still being cautious and playing it safe. I've set the ground rules and he's agreed to them. The rest will come in time. I feel right about this and although I am afraid of getting hurt again, I'm prepared for what may come.

People CAN change and they do. John is actually a perfect example of that. He was an alocholic but has not touched a drop for the past 15 years. Not even through his divorce, his mothers death or our breakup which apparently was as difficult for him as it was for me. I'm trusting that he can make more positive changes in his life that will help us grow in our relationship and move forward. But more importantly changes that will help HIM grow into the person I know he can be.

For now... it's all about Cautious Optimism.

Hi Lena
I read your latest post, and you're right people can change if they want to but it also does have to be that they want to change for them no one else, or it won't last.

As your friend is having counselling to face his demons and deal with his issues then he does have a very good chance of making the changes he needs to make in order to live the life he wants, However I will strees though if he's not doing this because HE wants to change for himself, then there's a very high risk he won't be able to maintain those changes.

Just wanted you to know this, and I wish you both the best of luck.

Yes make ground rules and don't let them waver, make it known what you will or will not tolerate, and if he steps over the line, then do whatever you've told him you will, its all too easy to fall back into old patterns and habits, and to say we want to change but for the wrong reasons, make sure you both know what is needed to really inact changes that last. If you don't you'll end up back where you started.

Please keep us informed..

Lena you and John will be in my prayers and I really mean that. Please remember we care about both of you and we're here whenever you want to talk... {{HUGS}}} Kit

Thank you folks very much for your support. I agree completely, John has to want to change for HIMSELF in order to make this work. I guess I should just ask him outright why he wants to change but I simply assumed that he was doing it both for himself and for us. He made a couple of statements that I just assumed meant he wants to change for himself but asking him is probably the best way to be sure. He stated to me "I need to make a change soon or I'm going to die. I just can't keep going like this." He also said "I really want to know why I'm such a mess." I guess I took those statements to mean he wants this for himself... what do you think? I'm only asking for opinions but I will definitely ask him tomorrow why he wants to start therapy. It's a very good point.

So far, things are still going well but we all know how that can change at any given moment. It helps that we only see each other a couple of times per week. We're not living together and we have no intentions of moving back in together until we see how therapy goes. I think the time and space apart is good for us. I work nights and he works days.

Thanks again for your support and advice.

John and I officially start therapy next Thursday which I'm happy about. Things are going well but I have to admit, the more I think about everything he's put me through the angrier I become. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever truly trust him again. I still feel so hurt, betrayed and incredibly angry about everything. I'm sure the doctor will help us both but I never anticipated having so many negative feelings toward John. Sometimes I find myself withdrawing from him in disgust. I still really love him but I'm working on NOT giving him so much of myself. I have always been way too giving when it comes to my relationships and I'm starting to see that most people don't really appreciate your love if you're too giving. Sometimes witholding a bit works better, sometimes being a little cold can make them appreciate the warmth. What's your opinion on that?

I think you are never going to feel the same about him. It happens when someone finally takes enough and they look back and say... "How in the world did I ever let him do that and get away with it".

You are becoming independent and you're finding you don't need him to make you happy... Good for you

So true.
Happiness comes from within.

Don't worry about being cold. That's in your head.
Its what's in your gut that counts. (your BS detectors)

Plus, right now, he doesn't deserve your full attention. Maybe never did.
Its you first, remember.

Well I guess everyone was right to advise me against going back to him. We tried therapy and it was working for a while but suddenly out of nowhere, yesterday he decided it's best if we're not a couple anymore. He gave so many lame reason which all amount to the same thing... he doesn't want to be with me. On one hand I feel like a fool for every giving him another chance but on the other hand, I'm glad I did. I hate the thought of regretting something and always wondering what might have been. If I hadn't given it another try and gone to therapy I always would've wondered. Well, he will not get a 3rd. I've learned to have too much self-respect for that.

I'm not exactly sure how I feel at this moment. Initially I was astounded, completely in shock. We were at a birthday party on Sunday and he was wonderful, very sweet, affectionate, attentive, playful, holding me and stroking my hair. Just generally very happy like we've been over the past two months. We had one major argument but we dealt with it and he had some severe depression for a while. It was very bad he was becoming self-destructive and it worried me greatly. Other than that, the past 2 months were good. I'm not sure where this all came from but I guess it shouldn't matter should it? The result is the same, he doesn't want to be with me.

You gave it a second chance and it didn't work. At least years from now you won't look back and wonder what might have been.

Keep your head up and hang in there.

Lena, I am sorry it didn't work out.

You did what you thought was best for you at the time. It's all anyone can do.

Now it's time to focus on your healing and moving forward. The stickies at the top of the main Relationship board can give you a lot of good advice and tips to help you move forward.

Remember that we are here to give more advice and support or need to rant.

Good luck. :)

I truly hope you'll make it a last round with him. You gave yours all, and it didn't work out - fine. So what, it doesn't mean you don't work out. You have a lot to offer and you sound like a woman of dignity - please take a good care of yourself, allow yourself to grieve and heal and reach out for support.

Remember - everything happens for a reason. And it's better to find out now then 5 or 10 years from now.

Best of luck to you.

The end result is the same, he doesn't want to be with me.

So... as for feeling the fool. Let me tell you... I've played that role, so hard and deep that I just don't care to explain... but I've also been where you are, saying "at least i did my part"...

Eventually, that is comforting. To know you did your part and it just wasn't right.

As for the above quote...

There is a lot of strength to be gained from saying what you said.

Knowing it isn't right is the first thing. Yes... its nice to know why it failed, I guess... maybe... or not... because each new relationship is so unique and different.

I've been in a couple of long term, monogamous-ish relationships... with monogamous-ish meaning I've been right as rain and two BIG Loves lost and they stepped out (I like naughty girls, it seems)... and in the end... there was a lot of strength gained from just saying she doesn't want me or need me right.

Its OK.

I've been "right" for a time with lovers, and I've been "wrong" for a time with those same loves.

The key is to accept, expect, and even embrace that what you had together was for a time and not all time... and most aren't for all time.

So... don't second guess yourself.

Lena.. You're a very strong woman, you'll do fine. I'd bet on it... Kit

Be strong! And good luck... gosh, I was hoping my ex would come back to me and I too, will give her chance as I am suffering on and off.

I dearly missed her and thinking about the good memories so bad. Got to stay NC strongly.

You need this time to heal. The hardest part of this is be alone. Why is that I wonder, I mean we know logically that our ex's are dogs. We are not a bag of trash to been thrown away. But unfortunately that is the situation, not only for you but for most of us here on this site.
Lena, now is for you to take control of the situation. Its not going to be easy, but it can be done. Its time for you to make a choice, do you want to no more then to be considered someone's bag of trash that they will always throw away or do want more from life. More from life doesn't always mean jumping right back into a relationship, it means that we have to learn to appreciate ourselves. To not only know we deserve more, but will not SETTLE for less. Its time for you to take that knife out not just your heart but between your shoulder blades. Getting out with friends is great, but if not enough its okay to talk to a professional or clergy. If you don't have anything to do at work and start dwelling get on lthis site and read/answer post.
Good luck