This is my first time posting on a board like this with problems I'm having, ever. I'm usually one to deal with my own problems, I always have been. I'm a 25 years old male and have had suicidal thoughts and self hate for many many years, from about 11 yrs old to onward.

Lately I've noticed I changed a lot over the past 2 years, and I'm not happy about it. I used to consider myself to be a caring and helping person, always there to help my friends or even people I didn't know at all. I'd always put my friends before myself.
Over the last 2 years I've gotten harder, I'm less caring about people around me, I'm less emotional, I'm a lot more selfish, and I hate myself for it.

I've always hated myself to some extend and I've had suicidal thoughts and such for many years. I've always felt like I caused a lot of pain and I hold myself responsible for things other people tell me aren't my fault. Things like one of my best friends committing suicide years ago and me not noticing he was in trouble... There are many more example like that in my life that I consider myself to be responsible for but it'd take hours to put them all down here...

Either way, I used to feel that despite that I at least tried to help people and somehow made up a bit for it in that way, I at least tried to be a good person. Now I feel like I've lost my way.. And I'm not sure what made me loose it. The only reason I can think of is that I was hurt and used by a few of the people I tried to help, but that has happened before in the past and never did change me...

I don't know anymore, if I thought about someone I lost 2 years ago just that would make me burst out into tears, it'd really get to me. Now a week ago my aunt died from cancer, and her husband, my uncle, killed himself, and I didn't even flinch at the funeral... In very rare moments when I alone I sometimes break down for a minute or two, I start crying but it never lasts long, and I cry without really feeling the emotions that I used to...

I know I have a lot of issues, I've had them for at least 10 years or so, but I've always felt my only purpose on this earth was to help others. Now I'm losing that, I'm losing my will and ability to do that, it's what always kept me from doing something stupid to myself... With that gone I don't know what to do anymore or how long I can live trough this...

I don't expect anyone here to have the answer, and I'm not really sure why I'm posting here, I just stumbled across this website and figured I might as well...

Hi ro4life,

You are not unique in this way of life.I also lived for others,forgoing my own interests for their benefit.It required many years of 'retraining',finding new ways to cope with the feelings I had been neglecting for ME!

It was called people pleasing,I was ONLY living for the comfort of others.My personality and development were lost in all that.

While I went to drugs and drinking to ease the pains,to self medicate, you are?what?How do you get relief from the stress?

I'll be around today from time to time(as I have set some boundaries and have some balance as to being online too often.), hopefully we can chat further,I really can relate to you in this.

KBC

I never was drunk once in my life until about a year ago, now I'm drinking every other week to the point where my brain goes numb but I guess that's not that weird for someone my age though others do it for other reasons. My main distraction in life always has been gaming, I try to keep myself busy constantly so I don't think too much...

I really feel like I'm meant to help others with their problems, not focus on my own. Even when I was happy for a while I always felt like I'm not even supposed to be happy, it feels wrong to not be depressed. Therefor I don't really mind being depressed, hating myself or having suicidal thoughts, as long as I can help others. But this change in me is making me lose that, I still want to care about others, but I notice I do care far less. I'm afraid of losing the only thing that makes me a decent human being...

I used alcohol and drugs to mask my feelings. Don't get caught up in that.

The toughest person I know has been to counseling.

You should give it a try.

Hi ro4life,

You have many issues here, that need to be brought to the surface and delt with.

You need to understand why you feel as you do,what was the initial cause all those years ago, I think you said you were 11years old.

Something must have happened around that time, that maybe upset you, or made you feel guilty about something you did or maybe something you blamed yourself for etc...

Please make an appointment to go and see your Doctor, they can put you in touch with the professional help that you need.

If you can talk about the events in your life right from that early age,which I believe is the root of the problem, right up to present day... how you feel now, your worries and fears for the future.. I am certain that a counciller who will listen with out interuption, will be able to help you overcome and understand these feelings.

I've been told to seek professional help before but I'm afraid I never will. I very well know where my problems started and how they got worse, but I don't really see my problems as a problem, if you know what I mean. I can deal with them, I just can't deal with the fact I'm changing into a heartless egoistic person...

I've been told to seek professional help before but I'm afraid I never will. I very well know where my problems started and how they got worse, but I don't really see my problems as a problem, if you know what I mean. I can deal with them, I just can't deal with the fact I'm changing into a heartless egoistic person...

How can you bring about change if you don't address the initial problem which is making you change(in a way YOU don't feel good about).

This problem which you say you know about,it hasn't been resolved,or even addressed in any therapeutic way, only you doing what you do to deal with it.And now something has triggered a new path of chaos,most likely from the initial issue.Your best attempts to overcome this problem has gotten you where?Here.

You can't deal with them,not alone.Again,your BEST ATTEMPTS have gotten you reaching out for help,if you aren't interested in our help,you can always continue doing what you have been.

Therapy has been suggested and shot down.How do you suppose we can help you here?

As I stated in the initial post, I don't expect anyone here to have the answers I'm looking for, either way you're right, this isn't me.

I thank you all for taking your time to read and respond, I'll find a way to cope, as I always do, and hopefully a way to make the switch back to who I used to be. Thanks again.

So you will continue to beat yourself up over others problems,neglecting yours?

How long a piece of rubber hose do you have(you know,the one you whip yourself with,over and over)

One cannot be victim all the time.It's easy to play dead.It's hard to live life on life's terms.You aren't living,at least any quality life.When are you going to see that?

This attempt to manipulate those who are reaching out to you isn't working,at least not on me.I have boundaries, do you?

Look at this site,Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self (http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm) and see if any of it makes sense to you.It was a real eye opener to me,many years back.

I think in order to change you need to change some habits get out there volunteer or get a hobbie. It think if you find something you can get passionate about like a animal shelter where its safe to get attached to an animal and let out your feelings and be happy when they get rehabilitated or mad when someone abuses then it's a starter for changing the way you think emotionally or a hospital or working with kids nature what ever can get you involved with a passion