Threads merged

I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years yesterday. He means the world to me, and I mean the world to him. He was just everything - we were so close, and are so in love with each other. He is the only person I have ever loved. But we have deep issues and problems that simply cannot be resolved, such as our personal beliefs, varying religions and constant arguments. Being in the relationship was so painful for me and I knew there was no future, so after months and months of deliberation and trying to ignore the problems, I have finally found the courage to leave.

But now I do not have a clue what to do. He is devastated. At first when I started talking about this a week ago he didn't believe me, then once it sunk in he became so emotional, saying I'd betrayed him.. what about our future.. we had planned marriage and children and everything - he was TRULY in bits - to him I am "The One".

I have broken his heart, mine is torn too, and I know he is hurting so much inside. So am I. Please help me.. I just don't know what to do. This is agony.

Well obviously you still love him and he still loves you. I'm not sure if you believe in second chances but it could be worth a try. If it works out the next time things'll be easier but if not you should at least try to move on

Thanks for your answer, yes I do still love him and he loves me too, but the problems we have are so serious that really it will never work. I have been trying to get it to work for 2 years, and there has been no luck. Sometimes I wonder if it's really him I love, or the idea of what I thought he was or what he could be.

I just feel so sad when I remember how we used to be.. the laughs, the cuddles, the connection there was between us... the nights we spent together and the times when he held me and I felt so safe and in love... I just know it will never come back and that is the hardest thing.

Sorry I just think I needed to rant a bit about it to get it all off my chest.

If your problems in the relationship were really that serious, then you have definitely done the right thing in breaking it off. Nothing good could come out of continuing a dead-end relationship.

Best thing you can do now is go complete NC so both of you can heal.

But how can I just not contact someone who I have spoken to every day for the last 2 years, spent so many days and nights with and who is such a huge part of my life? It seems impossible.

As silly as it sounds, part of me wants to be there with him and help him through the pain, and for him to help me. I just don't think I can cope.

Break ups suck, but besides the NC, vent and rant here all you want. That's why we are here. Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum for some insights into how to cope with the pain, and allow yourself to heal.

There is a link in my signature.

What were the religious beliefs? Could you elaborate on the arguments and why you think this is hopeless.

You say you're miserable and he is too.

Thank you, I have been reading all these NC rules and things that other people have said, and it's making me feel like maybe somewhere there is a little bit of hope.

Basically he is a Muslim and I am Agnostic, he has very strong opinions on what women should wear and do etc etc... I have completely the opposite opinions.. he had such a strong control over me in many ways that at one stage it got to the point where I was "not allowed" to go swimming and wear a bikini, I had to wear a t-shirt and shorts over the top to cover myself up... that is just one example.. we also argued tonnes about things... he could be quite rude to people who I lived with at University and is different to me in so many ways such as in ambition/attitudes to spending and money. Just lots of small things that really add up into one huge problem. I am not perfect either and can be difficult too, but it was a bad match.

Also he told me he didn't want to be intimate with me anymore as it was against his beliefs and he wanted to become more religious. You can imagine the pain of hearing that from someone you love.

So you can see that ultimately, between us things could only get worse, as one of us wasn't going to miraculously change our beliefs and I just couldn't go on conforming to all his wants and wishes. But despite all that we loved each other to pieces and depended on each other an awful lot, and the hardest thing is knowing that he is not there for me anymore. And that he is going through agony too.

Thank you, I have been reading all these NC rules and things that other people have said, and it's making me feel like maybe somewhere there is a little bit of hope.

Basically he is a Muslim and I am Agnostic, he has very strong opinions on what women should wear and do etc etc... I have completely the opposite opinions.. he had such a strong control over me in many ways that at one stage it got to the point where I was "not allowed" to go swimming and wear a bikini, I had to wear a t-shirt and shorts over the top to cover myself up... that is just one example.. we also argued tonnes about things... he could be quite rude to people who I lived with at University and is different to me in so many ways such as in ambition/attitudes to spending and money. Just lots of small things that really add up into one huge problem. I am not perfect either and can be difficult too, but it was a bad match.

Also he told me he didn't want to be intimate with me anymore as it was against his beliefs and he wanted to become more religious. You can imagine the pain of hearing that from someone you love.

So you can see that ultimately, between us things could only get worse, as one of us wasn't going to miraculously change our beliefs and I just couldn't go on conforming to all his wants and wishes. But despite all that we loved eachother to pieces and depended on eachother an awful lot, and the hardest thing is knowing that he is not there for me anymore. And that he is going through agony too.





I'm probably not the one who should answer this because I do not believe in a man telling a woman what she can or cannot wear. I do not believe in a man who demands a woman to follow his rules. Neither do I believe in a man telling a woman what she can and cannot do. If my husband were to to tell me I couldn't wear a bikini.. I swear I would buy a thong and on me that isn't a pretty sight.

As for him insulting your friends that is a form of trying to control you and who you choose to be friends with. I'm sorry that in its self tells me me you did the right thing. I know some of the experts will give you better advice than me. Tal is a Gem... Good Luck and I'm so sorry!. Kit

No, thanks you're right, I don't agree with it either.. I know it is wrong and that it would only get worse, so that's why it has to end. I can control him too like I feel I can act like his mother and tell him what he should eat to be healthy etc... but I would never try to control him to the extreme of ordering him what to/what not to wear... I would never be allowed clubbing either.. not that I want to go but it's like he's decided it for me... it's just not fair.

No, thanks you're right, I don't agree with it either.. I know it is wrong and that it would only get worse, so that's why it has to end. I can control him too like I feel I can act like his mother and tell him what he should eat to be healthy etc.... but I would never try to control him to the extreme of ordering him what to/what not to wear.... I would never be allowed clubbing either.. not that I want to go but it's like he's decided it for me.... it's just not fair.


I wish it could work out, but unless he changes or unless you want to be a doormat.. I think you did the right thing. I don't believe you want to be anyone's doormat. .

There has to be a balance in a relationship and you are the one who seems to have gotten the short end of the stick. Telling him to eat right is a whole lot different than telling him he can't go out to lunch with his friend because you don't like them. Only an example.

I hope you move on from this.. because if this has been his belief all his life, I don't see him changing. Good Luck and You are in my prayers... Kit

I certainly don't want to be anybody's doormat. That's going straight on my list of reasons it wouldn't work! The difficult thing now that I've made up my mind is coping with the aftermath. We have to meet after exams in 3 weeks (the longest EVER without seeing eachother) so I can give him back his stuff, and talk properly, because I feel I owe him a proper explanation in person rather than on the other end of the phone. Hopefully all the feelings of love and desire won't come rushing back too strongly. And I can't stop worrying about him and how he's not sleeping/eating/revising for his exams properly.

God, I just feel like I'll never meet someone else who I can be so close with... who I can ring in the middle of the night and feel so welcomed and loved.. I suppose in ways I wasn't getting all of that from him anyway but still it's so scary. I don't know how people cope with this!!

I certainly don't want to be anybody's doormat. That's going straight on my list of reasons why it wouldn't work! The difficult thing now that I've made up my mind is coping with the aftermath. We have to meet after exams in 3 weeks (the longest EVER without seeing eachother) so I can give him back his stuff, and talk properly, because I feel I owe him a proper explanation in person rather than on the other end of the phone. Hopefully all the feelings of love and desire won't come rushing back too strongly. And I can't stop worrying about him and how he's not sleeping/eating/revising for his exams properly.

God, I just feel like I'll never meet someone else who I can be so close with... who I can ring in the middle of the night and feel so welcomed and loved.. I suppose in ways I wasn't getting all of that from him anyway but still it's so scary. I don't know how people cope with this!!!





We have all gone through this, luckily you aren't married to the guy and you have no children. You learn to take it one step at a time.. then one day at a time. It isn't going to be easy , especially when you still love him.
It won't happen overnight or even in a month. You will cry a lot and second guess yourself many times. There will be nights you walk the floor and think you did the wrong thing. The good news is it doesn't last forever and one day you hear yourself humming and looking forward
To the day.
I wish there were a way to get over it faster. A year from now.. I think you will be a lot happier or even a month or two from now. There is a great feeling when you're no longer walking on eggshells and dancing to his tune.
He is probably a good man but his beliefs about women have been instilled in him and it would be like trying to change the tide. He is strong in his beliefs as I am mine and I'm a Baptist. Only difference is I and my husband believe the same way and we brought our children up the same way. If you two had children just think of the turmoil there would be... Hope I've helped a little... God Bless... Kit

Thank you, you definitely have helped, some of the things you've said I've been thinking myself but it's really good when somebody else expresses similar opinions. I am lucky we weren't married/didn't have children.. I often think about how awful that would be and how cruel it would be to bring children into such a conflict. He is a very good person, but yes he has been brought up this way and changing is not an option.

The crying a lot has been happening yes but like you said, I hope through time it will get better. I think I just need to stop texting and talking to him, and depending on him so much. The NC idea should come into play soon once the initial shock has worn off.

He said he wasn't going to bother doing his exams anymore as he was only doing it all for me in the first place... his degree, his boxing... everything.. that was quite painful. Gah, this is a nightmare! But thanks, you have helped, I think I will be able to sleep a bit better tonight. I wonder if you've ever been through something like this before? I am glad you are happy with your husband though, that must be very good if you both believe the same.

Goodnight :)

Thank you, you definitely have helped, some of the things you've said I've been thinking myself but it's really good when somebody else expresses similar opinions. I am lucky we weren't married/didn't have children.. I often think about how awful that would be and how cruel it would be to bring children into such a conflict. He is a very good person, but yes he has been brought up this way and changing is not an option.

The crying a lot has been happening yes but like you said, I hope through time it will get better. I think I just need to stop texting and talking to him, and depending on him so much. The NC idea should come into play soon once the initial shock has worn off.

He said he wasn't going to bother doing his exams anymore as he was only doing it all for me in the first place... his degree, his boxing... everything.. that was quite painful. Gah, this is a nightmare! But thanks, you have helped, I think I will be able to sleep a bit better tonight. I wonder if you've ever been through something like this before? I am glad you are happy with your husband though, that must be very good if you both believe the same.

Goodnight :)



My first marriage was to a man who treated me like I was five. I was very young and very far from home. I put up with his demanding ways for a long time. No make up, no shorts, no cutting my hair and no calling my parents because it cost too much. He took the car keys to the base with him so I couldn't leave and go to the store or anywhere.

I was a very good girl and he was my first everything. I loved him and I thought I must be doing something wrong to be treated in such a way. I won't go into the physical and mental abuse because every time I do it brings back horrible memories. I had never seen my dad hit my mom, it was something very alien to me.

When my daughter was very young there was an incident and I fought back and left. Here's the kicker.. even after all that I still missed him. It took a while to know he would never change and he hasn't. Multiple marriages and each time the divorce was caused by his abuse. I haven't seen him in over thirty years and I thank God for that. My husband made up for all the horrible things I had gone through and he treats my child as if she were his.

I learned a lot through all that and I hope you know how lucky you are to have escaped any physical abuse, although I think emotional abuse is sometimes much worse. You will love again someday when you least expect it and you'll wonder how you ever lived before you met your true love. We all get second chances sweetie and you have yours now. You sleep well and know, we are here if you need us and you keep on posting as much as you want... Blessings... Kit

Gosh that sounds like a really difficult relationship to come out of, especially as you loved him very much and had a child together. That is amazing that you managed to leave. Finding the courage to leave someone you live with must be so much harder.
I think I am lucky in a way, because I have escaped what would have been a lifetime of arguments, and there were hints there that the relationship might've become abusive it other ways, just hints... I truly hope one day I eventually meet someone else, but for the time being I don't want to communicate with another potential boyfriend ever again!

It's so odd, I spoke to him yesterday morning (the day after the break up), he got really upset and was really asking for us to try again. Then his phone rang and he had to go, he said he'd call me back. He was on the phone to someone (I think it was his brother) for about 2 hours. He didn't call me back after that. Now it's basically a day later (10am) and even though I've messaged him and called him quite a few times saying I'm really worried and will he ring me, he hasn't. I have this horrid fear that something's happened to him or he's done something to himself.. I know it's unlikely but seriously he would never not talk to me like this ever... and he lives 3 hours away so it's not like I can just pop over to check. Grrr it's driving me crazy not knowing if he's okay!!

It's okay. He eventually texted me to say he is fine. Thanks for all your advice, I am just going to try and get on with my day as best as normal. Have a lovely day x

It's okay. He eventually texted me to say he is fine. Thanks for all your advice, I am just going to try and get on with my day as best as normal. Have a lovely day x

You too and try to break contact, even if you have to do it a day at a time... Blessings... Kit

Threads merged


Today is a couple of days after the break up and I still feel so raw. I am the one who broke it off because I couldn't cope with it anymore, I have gone into details in my one other post.. basically he was quite controlling and our differences became unbearable in the end. I was not happy. But I love him so deeply and miss him so much my heart feels like it's about to explode. I just can't stop crying and thinking about him, he was my everything and I depended on him emotionally so much. I have texted him but he hasn't replied, he told me to stop torturing him by talking to him, so I think it's time to stop that now. But I just can't seem to find the strength to let go. I feel so guilty for putting him through this. He must hate me so much, and I can't bear that thought as I know he was so deeply in love with me and I love him so much too. He has exams in a couple of days which I don't think he is bothering about anymore and I feel like it's all my fault. This is the cruelest thing in the world and I feel like I can't cope anymore. I know long-term it's the right answer, but right now it's quite hard to properly believe that. And I don't want somebody I love and care about so much to never speak to me again. The idea of never being close to him again makes it feel like he's died or something... I know that sounds quite dramatic but that's honestly how it feels.

I'm sorry to talk about it again, but I really don't have anyone else to talk to. I don't really feel like it's fair on my family or best friend to mention it anymore, they just want me to forget about it. I think just getting the feelings out on here can help sometimes. Thank you.

The more you think about it, the longer you drag out the pain.

Distract yourself as much as possible. Here are a list of things to do to help distract yourself: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/list-things-do-after-breakup-78597.html

Once you've healed from all your pains, you can always come back to these thoughts, but only when you're ready.

Until then, distraction is the key.

This is the place to vent, rant, and examine yourself, as we have all been through the trauma that break ups cause.

'I wish', I am definitely trying to distract myself as much as possible, but it's hard to feel any happiness or hop, and also hard because I don't want to feel like I'm doing enjoyable things when I know he's so sad and upset about it all. I feel guilty. Also, now that all these emotions are coming out, I'm beginning to find it so hard to remember the reasons I broke up with him the first place. I tell myself, maybe it wasn't that bad sometimes.. I know deep down it was that bad really, but the strong negative feelings about it I had last week that made me make the final decision seem to have faded away now that I'm on my own. Like we had cancelled a holiday together due to unforseen reasons and so instead of re-booking it with him I booked it with a girlfriend instead - last week that seemed like the best idea in the world as a holiday together would have been a nightmare, but today I can't stop thinking about "what if we went on holiday.. what if we actually had fun and he didn't spend the whole time telling me what to wear"... Oh I don't know. It's like a rollercoaster. It keeps going up, and down, and up and down... what if this never ends

Talaniman - Your quotes are really true and though-provoking; I would love to become wise enough or self-sufficient enough one day to feel like I don't need a relationship to keep me happy.

It's not only about the reasons you broke up. You also have to look ahead. Think about it this way, even if you got back together, if things aren't fixed, then the relationship will blow up again. Why put yourself through that torture?

Have you read the NC related threads in my signature? The up and down feelings is a natural part in the healing process. The pain can get worse, but once it's reached it's highest point, it will only get easier from there.

But if you give in to the pain, then you're going to reset the progress and restart the healing process. Dragging out the pain can be dreadful. Therefore, keep taking steps to better yourself and do things that make you happy, i.e. the list of things to do to help distract yourself. The more happy things you do for yourself, the less attention you will give to this break, and the easier it will be to move on.

But how can I just not contact someone who I have spoken to every day for the last 2 years, spent so many days and nights with and who is such a huge part of my life? It seems impossible.

As silly as it sounds, part of me wants to be there with him and help him through the pain, and for him to help me. I just don't think I can cope.

I'm in the same boat but I'm the dumpee. It sucks knowing that me and my girlfriend had a strong relationship for almost 4 years. She broke up with me 3 nights ago. NC seems so impossible. I've been keeping busy and trying not to think about her. But random things bring her up in my mind.

Just keep on posting evamee and we'll help all we can. You are among friends here and we will try to help you through this... OK?

Hi everyone, thanks very much, it's nice to know that some people are listening and understand what I'm going through.


im in the same boat but im the dumpee. it sucks knowing that me and my girlfriend had a strong relationship for almost 4 years. she broke up with me 3 nights ago. NC seems so impossible. ive been keeping busy and trying not to think about her. but random things bring her up in my mind.

Prowaker, I really empathise with you - this whole experience is terrible and is just like a knife being sliced right through you. My boyfriend and I were so close too, so SO close, and it makes me feel physically sick when I realise that that will never be the same again. Ever... it is over now. That is just the worst part. I know you may ask why I did it then, but I was so unhappy at times that it just had to be done. Maybe that's how your girlfriend feels too? That she loves you to bits but couldn't cope with the pain anymore? NC for me has been very hard too, but he obviously doesn't want to talk to me (hasn't replied to my texts) so it is clear he wants some space. I am going to try to leave him alone. How are you feeling today? I imagine you might be feeling similarly to how my boyfriend is feeling perhaps. Mind you he is angry with me, and clearly upset and confused. I just can't believe that after all these days and nights together it's actually ended, and I will never feel his presence there beside me again, hugging me, making me feel safe and happy and so relaxed.

'I wish' is so right. This comment: "It's not only about the reasons you broke up. You also have to look ahead. Think about it this way, even if you got back together, if things aren't fixed, then the relationship will blow up again. Why put yourself through that torture?" is so true. I know it would never "fix" itself, and I can only carry on with the hope that one day things will get better. Between now and then, I am barely functioning, but the positive and hopeful words from people are making it seem more possible.

Thank you again. And thank you KitKat, you are helping more than you know.

Hi everyone, thanks very much, it's nice to know that some people are listening and understand what I'm going through.



Prowaker, I really empathise with you - this whole experience is terrible and is just like a knife being sliced right through you. My boyfriend and I were so close too, so SO close, and it makes me feel physically sick when I realise that that will never be the same again. Ever... it is over now. That is just the worst part. I know you may ask why I did it then, but I was so unhappy at times that it just had to be done. Maybe that's how your girlfriend feels too? That she loves you to bits but couldn't cope with the pain anymore? NC for me has been very hard too, but he obviously doesn't want to talk to me (hasn't replied to my texts) so it is clear he wants some space. I am going to try to leave him alone. How are you feeling today? I imagine you might be feeling similarly to how my boyfriend is feeling perhaps. Mind you he is angry with me, and clearly upset and confused. I just can't believe that after all these days and nights together it's actually ended, and I will never feel his presence there beside me again, hugging me, making me feel safe and happy and so relaxed.

'I wish' is so right. This comment: "It's not only about the reasons you broke up. You also have to look ahead. Think about it this way, even if you got back together, if things aren't fixed, then the relationship will blow up again. Why put yourself through that torture?" is so true. I know it would never "fix" itself, and I can only carry on with the hope that one day things will get better. Between now and then, I am barely functioning, but the positive and hopeful words from people are making it seem more possible.


Thank you again. And thank you KitKat, you are helping more than you know.


Call me Kit... You're my friend. Wow.. I am so glad to read what you wrote to the other who is going through something similar. You are a very, very strong young lady. I don't think you realize that. Do you know how much strength it takes to admit you know when a relationship is bad? You really intend to stick to your guns and that is something I don't hear very often.

Don't listen to sad music... it only makes it worse. Put on "I Will Survive" and dance and you scream and cry and laugh at the same time. You are a survivor. It does make me feel like I am needed when you say I'm helping. I just hope I can get you through this and when you meet the right guy you can name your first child after me:D

You will meet that person and he will respect you and love you and not try to dominate you. Keep doing what your doing and come on this site and look for other women or men who are going through what you are now. Your advice to someone here.. could help someone who may be thinking of ending a relationship just like yours and don't know how to do it.

You gave great words of wisdom to the guy on this site. Think of how many more you could help. Hugs to you...

eveamee09
Today I was not bad I kept really busy hung out with my family. How are you? Now I'm not mad at my "girlfriend" I'm more confused. I have not slept properly over the past few days nor been eating properly. I'm more concerned that I will be kicked out her life and she will immediately jump into another relationship (which I replied on my other post) so I'm hoping she won't knowing her very well. I believe she might have felt the way you did. To be completely honest I was some what over protected as times, but not as much to tell her she could not be in a bikini.
I recently found out that her parents don't want me around their daughter anymore and her not to have anything to do with me or my family. So that is very hurtful.
I don't know if I can take another day of NC, before everyone yells at me and tells me not to. She is the type of girl that will talk/text back. She understands me and knows what's going on more than I do. If her parents didn't dislike me so much it might be a little easier to fix our break up or at least give me a chance to talk to her. I really hope she does still like me even the slightest bit, but if she doesn't being friends for me would still be amazing.

Call me Kit... You're my friend. Wow ..I am so glad to read what you wrote to the other who is going through something similar. You are a very, very strong young lady. I don't think you realize that. Do you know how much strength it takes to admit you know when a relationship is bad? You really intend to stick to your guns and that is something i don't hear very often.

Don't listen to sad music...it only makes it worse. Put on "I Will Survive" and dance and you scream and cry and laugh at the same time. You are a a survivor. It does make me feel like i am needed when you say I'm helping. I just hope i can get you through this and when you meet the right guy you can name your first child after me:D

You will meet that person and he will respect you and love you and not try to dominate you. Keep doing what your doing and come on this site and look for other women or men who are going through what you are now. Your advice to someone here..could help someone who may be thinking of ending a relationship just like yours and don't know how to do it.

You gave great words of wisdom to the guy on this site. Think of how many more you could help. Hugs to you...

Hi Kit, thanks so much for your uplifting comment, it's really nice to read things that make me smile and feel positive, even if just for a moment. And haha, yes I might just name my first child after you, only my real name is Katherine (Katie) so if my child's called Kit that might be a bit too much of a match!

I keep reminding myself all the time of the fact that he was dominating, that I couldn't be my true self, and had to walk on eggshells around him most of the time in case I said the wrong thing/did the wrong thing and made him angry. I KNOW that is not healthy, and to be honest, the whole 2 years we have been together has been a CONSTANT stress, a constant worry and a constant feeling of pain. I don't want to go through that forever. I know that that would never end if I stayed in that relationship, but coming out of it, there is a strong chance that one day I will feel some sort of happiness again, and perhaps find someone who made me feel like it was okay to be myself and have the opinions that I want to have, not that he wants me to have. So at the moment, that's all that's keeping me going really.

I was saying to prowaker in his other thread that one of the hardest parts is knowing that he's going through a huge amount of pain, is most likely sitting wallowing in his flat, and not revising one bit for his major exams that are coming up at the end of this week and all next week. He said to me that he's not going to bother anymore, because he was only doing it all for me anyway, and he doesn't even care about his big boxing match anymore that he's been looking forward to. Not to mention the fact that he's definitely not sleeping, or eating. Now that is just so hard, it's so hard to even TRY to move on when you know what your actions have caused somebody else to go through. I keep trying to tell myself that it's not my fault he's like that, it's just the way it happened, but I feel SO guilty and so much like I want to help him, but I don't know how? At the moment I'm just trying my hardest not to contact him so as to let him sort himself out as best he can.

Although his Mum has been texting me (I like her we get on really well) and said we could have a chat today or tomorrow. Do you think it's a good idea to talk to his Mum about it? He doesn't live with her by the way, so it's not like he'll be listening too or anything, but is it a good idea? Just wondered what you thought!



Hi prowaker, like I said in my other post on your thread, I hope you're getting through the day okay and coping all right. That's nice that you have a supportive family there, they will always be there to help you.

It must be tough knowing that her parents might've influenced her decision. But at the end of the day, like we said, if she's not going to be with you and be fully happy about it due to unconditional love and commitment, then is that really what you'd want anyway?

Also, you said about the not being able to talk on the phone thing... my gosh that has been one of the hardest things for me too. Almost unbearable, actually. Because like you we both would talk every night without fail, and that was what got me through some hard nights and made me feel relaxed and able to sleep. We'd tell each other how much we loved each other, talk about our day... talk about the future sometimes... knowing that he's not here anymore to care or support me is so heartbreaking, often that's what gets me down the most. It's like the one person who means the world to you has gone, and can never be fully replaced. So I think we both just need to stay strong and try to think positively, and know that each day can only get better from here on!

Best of luck guys. And sorry for the extra long post, my University course is all about writing essays so maybe I'm applying that too much to this too!

I have a feeling if you go talk with his mother, he'll show up and you'll be back at square one.


I also think he is using the exam thing as an excuse to make you feel guilty. He has lost his little puppet and he knows you're getting stronger and he can't stand it.

I think you're doing great and he knows that and he will manipulate as much as he can, and it will set you back.

Don't let him do it! Keep posting... Kit

Thanks Kit, you know I think you might be right about the exam thing, he did say he wouldn't take them very near to when I told him it was over so it's likely it was an attempt at a bit of a win-back technique. His Mum actually rang me in the end and we chatted about the whole thing. I told her my reasons and feelings and she was very supportive and understood. We have both decided that it's probably best (because both of us have really important exams over the next 3 weeks) to cut contact for 3 weeks and make the whole thing more official afterwards. This also gives me time to get used to being on my own and not talking to him before I take the last big step and sever it completely. It's really quite tough at the moment as I miss him IMMENSELY but I am trying my best. Will I stop missing him and longing for him one day? Having him hold me and hug me is all I can really think about at the moment. In my fantasy world it would make all my problems go away.. unfortunately in reality that would only make them worse :(

Today has been a really bad day. I feel like I am having a break-down. I cannot stop crying/panicking/feeling really sorry for myself and negative.. I have written out a huge email of questions to him that I am so tempted to send but I don't think I should. I actually feel the lowest I've ever felt and don't know what to do with myself. My family aren't being very supportive at all because they are all so busy with themselves and their own problems.. I just can't handle this anymore. I have such a desire to tell him how I'm feeling and get him to understand... I hate that he thinks it's all my fault when he doesn't have a clue of the pain he's put me through over the past few months and of how much I am hurting right now. I don't know what to do.

Yes you do. You know exactly what to do.

Make some coffee and look forward to a great day. And thank God for being able to enjoy it. Well its morning here, and that's the way we start the day at my house.

What time is it where you are?

I'm sorry to here that eveamme.
You can do it, you and will pull through together!
I haven't felt that down yet, which is good and bad I guess.
I really wish I could just hug it out with her and make everything the way it used to be or go back in time and just don't do what happened for this to end like this.
The night is worst for me all I dream about is her and I when we were happy and joyful. So right now I'm good but come another 10 hours or so it will hit again.

Take a deep breath and calm down. This is exactly how he wants you to react. You owe him nothing! Any man who emotionally abuses a woman and that's what he's done isn't deserving of anything.

Don't fall back into his trap, that's exactly what he wants you to do.
He's a big baby who wants you to feel guilty about leaving him.

Well I say, Hooray for you for finally finding your backbone again and getting out of Dodge. So what if he doesn't take his exams? It isn't your fault.

He is waiting like a big old tiger for you to come and ask him all these things and when you do, you'll be right back under his power again.

He sounds like a Mommas boy and if his mom has let her husband dictate and mentally abuse her all these years, lets just say about your ex, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I wouldn't care to bet you if they were able, they would have you all walking three steps behind them and bowing when they came through the door.

Tough words , but this guy is going to try to ruin your life one way or another.. He has lost his
Little woman and knows you are getting over it.

Don't go back... change your number or block him from evrything... Please...

Will I stop missing him and longing for him one day?

You will. It just takes time. I've been through 3 relationships where I felt just like that for the first few months after the break up. You feel like you're never going to be happy again. The last relationship just ended over a month ago and I was in pretty bad shape there for a few weeks.

Reading the stickies, venting on here, listening to the advice and trying new things (such as running 3 miles every night) have really helped me move on. My situation was a mess and it still hits me every now and then. If I'm having a really bad day, I come on here and just read what other people are going through. It helps to know you're not alone.

Eveamee.. please keep posting. I'm worried about you. Just let us know your okay.. Kit

Thank you everybody for your support. I am feeling better now, it just comes in waves and like you said Crichton it really does just hit you sometimes and you find yourself breaking down a little bit, but thankfully I seem to be able to pick myself up again after a good cry and use distractions to carry on!

Kit, you are lovely, and many of your tough words are unfortunately true. However I really genuinely know he's not a bad person or a weak person - I think he's just been brought up this way so that's how he is, and he doesn't quite realise the extent to what he's put me though. And his family are really nice, his Mum divorced his Dad in her mid-twenties, and when I spoke to her on the phone she actually seemed to agree with me which was a bit bizarre and hint that getting out now before we were married with children was definitely the right decision to make, if I felt that there was no way I could conform fully to Islamic beliefs. And his family aren't that bad, they're not the type to want you to walk behind and bow, but there definitely is a huge element of the man being in control, and the woman just conforming. Which I can't. I've got to stop kidding myself - I KNOW that is not what I want, or what would make me happy, heck if it's what I wanted I wouldn't have been in tears practically every other night for the last 2 years. I am just trying so hard to take everyone's advice on board and however hard it is, keep strong, so thank you : )

I did make a bit of a big mistake today by sending him one really really angry text, telling him how hurt I was by what he's done to me, how he's controlled me etc etc... then I realised how silly it was and CERTAINLY won't be doing that again. He then tried to ring me, but instead of giving in and answering I didn't and instead sent him a last text saying that the original text was a mistake, I need to learn to control my emotions better and that we shouldn't contact each other until after exams. He sent one back agreeing and asking me not to make a mistake like that again. I do regret sending it but I know now that it was wrong and not necessary and that no matter how angry I feel, telling him it all AGAIN won't make things any better. I am beginning to feel a bit guilty as a few of the things I said in the text aren't really true, they were just me blowing things out of proportion, and I know it must have hurt his feelings as not only have I dumped him, but I also sent him a nasty demeaning text. But anyway, for now trying not to think about his feelings too much and focus on going to sleep. I am clinging onto the hope that one day this will all get better, just like you all keep saying!

Talaniman, my last above post was sent at 1.42pm and now it's 23.10pm in England. What time is it where you are?

And I've been thinking about taking up Salsa dancing - I've always loved it but I've never been "allowed" as obviously you have to dance with lots of other men... but now I can make my own decisions so I'd love to do it! And I've been belly dancing for years now but never been allowed to perform in shows if men are watching, but I think now I might just try and get into a show! These are positive things that are coming out of it.

Gosh... I'm glad you posted again. Sorry if I was a bit rough with my words. I'm not putting down Muslims.. there are some good people who are Muslim. I also am glad to hear you told him what you thought .

You are getting stronger and I'm happy you are. I think his mother must be a unique woman and I also believe she has your best interest at heart.She must be a very strong and good person.

Salsa dancing sounds great. I'm so sure you're going to be totally over him in a while.

If two people can't agree on how to raise children or anything else it isn't going to work. The thing is there are a lot of men in this world who treat their wives and girlfriends that way. You had the courage to leave... and that makes you a very strong woman. Hugs to you... Kit

Hi Kit, yes I agree with you, we would definitely never agree on how to raise children... that would be a nightmare and would cause SO much stress. I am realising more and more how lucky I would be to get out now, and to avoid much more further heartache, for both of us. When I think about the summer ahead I feel down though.. I don't really know what I'm going to do with myself for 3 months of being here in this house whilst my family are away on holiday and knowing that he is just around the corner and probably free, and that we could go for a nice walk or something. Perhaps these next three weeks of exams will help to take my mind off it and make me learn to cope on my own without him, and then I won't even WANT to meet him for a walk as going down that whole route again.

And yes, I see his Mum as quite inspirational to me, the fact that she went through pretty much the same thing as me and then ended up divorcing him just shows that Western women and strong Islamic cultures don't really mix. Although, I do wonder if I'll ever find anyone who truly suits me? I don't drink alcohol or go clubbing or anything like that really, through my own choice (I was this way long before I met my boyfriend), and finding a guy who is similar might be quite hard.

I want to know what will happen in the future now and get rid of all this waiting!!

Hi Kit, yes I agree with you, we would definitely never agree on how to raise children... that would be a nightmare and would cause SO much stress. I am realising more and more how lucky I would be to get out now, and to avoid much more further heartache, for both of us. When I think about the summer ahead I feel down though.. I don't really know what I'm going to do with myself for 3 months of being here in this house whilst my family are away on holiday and knowing that he is just around the corner and probably free, and that we could go for a nice walk or something. Perhaps these next three weeks of exams will help to take my mind off it and make me learn to cope on my own without him, and then I won't even WANT to meet him for a walk as going down that whole route again.

And yes, I see his Mum as quite inspirational to me, the fact that she went through pretty much the same thing as me and then ended up divorcing him just shows that Western women and strong Islamic cultures don't really mix. Although, I do wonder if I'll ever find anyone who truly suits me? I don't drink alcohol or go clubbing or anything like that really, through my own choice (I was this way long before I met my boyfriend), and finding a guy who is similar might be quite hard.

I want to know what will happen in the future now and get rid of all this waiting!!!




Join a health club. Go walking somewhere else. Go to a different market. I think it's very good that you don't go clubbing and drinking. Mixing loneliness and alcohol with a few drinks and roomful of men who are looking to "score" is a recipe for duster.

The right one is in the future.. but wait till you get this guy out of your system. Reconnect with your friends. Call them today and make plans to go to dinner or a movie. Take a trip by yourself to somewhere you really like. There are lots of ways to fill those empty hours. You say you are agnostic but there are many churches that have singles groups and there are very nice men in those churches.

I believe there is something for you... try really asking yourself about God and Jesus... If you ask.. God will help you through this... There are many ways to worship and I'm not berating the way you feel. What I'm suggesting is maybe talking to a minister. Who knows what could happen.. . Kit

That is very true - I have actually started organising meals out with friends over the next few weeks, and planning things with my best friend (such as that holiday to Spain that my boyfriend and I were going to go on, I've changed it to go with my friend) and I'm definitely thinking about taking up Salsa or badminton over the summer, and getting back into my belly dance classes. Church groups are also something to consider for the future. I also do quite a lot of volunteering already in places like care homes and with Victim Support, so I'm planning on really getting into that this summer!

I actually met him at my usual health club but don't have plans to go back there anytime soon.. especially not until I feel a bit more comfortable with the whole situation! Still sort of dreading seeing him in 3 weeks after exams when we will exchange our stuff and I will basically tell him face to face that it is definitely over, that will be very hard especially if he gets upset and promises to change/let me do whatever I want... you see I know they'd just be empty promises that he'd be saying out of emotion and not because of a genuine belief that I should be able to make my own decisions.

Once again thanks for your advice. I am going out for a meal tonight with a lovely Spanish lady I met at belly dancing classes last year, it will be nice to catch up and practice the language.

Enjoy your evening. What time is it where you are? Where even are you!

That is very true - I have actually started organising meals out with friends over the next few weeks, and planning things with my best friend (such as that holiday to Spain that my boyfriend and I were going to go on, I've changed it to go with my friend) and I'm definitely thinking about taking up Salsa or badminton over the summer, and getting back into my belly dance classes. Church groups are also something to consider for the future. I also do quite a lot of volunteering already in places like care homes and with Victim Support, so I'm planning on really getting into that this summer!

I actually met him at my usual health club but don't have plans to go back there anytime soon.. especially not until I feel a bit more comfortable with the whole situation! Still sort of dreading seeing him in 3 weeks after exams when we will exchange our stuff and I will basically tell him face to face that it is definitely over, that will be very hard especially if he gets upset and promises to change/let me do whatever I want... you see I know they'd just be empty promises that he'd be saying out of emotion and not because of a genuine belief that I should be able to make my own decisions.

Once again thanks for your advice. I am going out for a meal tonight with a lovely Spanish lady I met at belly dancing classes last year, it will be nice to catch up and practice the language.

Enjoy your evening. What time is it where you are? Where even are you!!

It is 1:17 p.m here in the Southern United States. I'm glad you're going to have a nice evening. Have a great weekend and if you need to post... I'll be on and off this site all weekend... Blessings:)

Hi Kit, still keeping busy and trying to answer other questions on here to take my mind off it. It is half past midnight though so I will probably try to sleep now and not worry too much about everything.

Thanks again and I hope you also enjoy your weekend. Speak soon : )

Hi Kit, still keeping busy and trying to answer other questions on here to take my mind off it. It is half past midnight though so I will probably try to sleep now and not worry too much about everything.

Thanks again and I hope you also enjoy your weekend. Speak soon : )

I'm glad you're getting involved here.. We need you. Have a great weekend:)

Hey, just wondering if I could get some advice on this.. it's his big boxing match in exactly one week and I was supposed to be going to watch and support. Obviously I'm not going now, but I really really would love to know how he gets on and whether he wins/loses etc... it's something he's been preparing for all year and means a lot. Do you think it would be a good idea to text him good luck before hand, and then ask him to contact me afterwards to tell me how it went? Or should I contact one of his friends who's going and ask them to text me the result? I know one friend quite well so could easily ask him to keep my updated. What do you think?

Hey, just wondering if I could get some advice on this.. it's his big boxing match in exactly one week and I was supposed to be going to watch and support. Obviously I'm not going now, but I really really would love to know how he gets on and whether he wins/loses etc... it's something he's been preparing for all year and means a lot. Do you think it would be a good idea to text him good luck before hand, and then ask him to contact me afterwards to tell me how it went? Or should I contact one of his friends who's going and ask them to text me the result? I know one friend quite well so could easily ask him to keep my updated. What do you think?

Contact through the friend is definitely the best way to go... Also something else I've been thinking about.. when you all meet to exchange your personal items or you to give his things back.. have a friend with you... Please. I really think his mom might be the best one to give him his things back. Would she do it for you? The less contact the better.

This man isn't going to change his ways and he thinks you'll be the one
Cave and come back to him. He's going to come at you with emotional tactics i.e. tears, sadness, guilt... don't fall for it. The tears are because he is alone and you're not there to be the little woman anymore. Be Brave... Kit

Hey eve,
Check your private inbox

I think any contact through friends or family from afar is a lousy idea. Trying to keep up with what he is doing only prolongs the confusion, and pain, and totally distracts you from gaining clarity, and objectivity to your own recovery.

Kit, I agree with what you are saying - the thing is talaniman that the break-up hasn't really been made official yet - for the sake of both of our exams, we have agreed not to talk about it for the three weeks and discuss everything afterwards. I truly believe though that he is holding onto the hope that I will come round and decide to be with him (which is definitely not what I am planning on doing at all, but I think it's good that he thinks this for the time being though as it really is what's getting him through these important exams) and then I will tell him afterwards. I feel bad for allowing him to live with this false hope, but I think it would be crueler to do it all now, and disrupt both of our degrees.

I am pretty sure Kit that he will try all those tactics. They worked on me a year and a half ago, so he thinks they'll work on me now. I think the idea about having someone there with us when I give the things back and break-up with him face to face is good. I might plan to go to his house making sure people like his Mum are there at the time, and make it quick and swift - just tell him the truth that I don't want to have this relationship anymore, and get out. I think I owe it to him to say it face to face though and not on the phone/through other people. But if in 3 weeks I feel differently I might change my mind if it's best for both of us. I wish I could just do it all now and begin the healing process - but that just wouldn't be fair or sensible in my opinion.

Thanks both for all of your advice. And I will try to find my private inbox - haven't a clue where it is!

Kit, I agree with what you are saying - the thing is talaniman that the break-up hasn't really been made official yet - for the sake of both of our exams, we have agreed not to talk about it for the three weeks and discuss everything afterwards. I truly believe though that he is holding onto the hope that I will come round and decide to be with him (which is definitely not what I am planning on doing at all, but I think it's good that he thinks this for the time being though as it really is what's getting him through these important exams) and then I will tell him afterwards. I feel bad for allowing him to live with this false hope, but I think it would be crueler to do it all now, and disrupt both of our degrees.

I am pretty sure Kit that he will try all those tactics. They worked on me a year and a half ago, so he thinks they'll work on me now. I think the idea about having someone there with us when I give the things back and break-up with him face to face is good. I might plan to go to his house making sure people like his Mum are there at the time, and make it quick and swift - just tell him the truth that I don't want to have this relationship anymore, and get out. I think I owe it to him to say it face to face though and not on the phone/through other people. But if in 3 weeks I feel differently I might change my mind if it's best for both of us. I wish I could just do it all now and begin the healing process - but that just wouldn't be fair or sensible in my opinion.

Thanks both for all of your advice. And I will try to find my private inbox - haven't a clue where it is!

Good luck and let me know how the weekend goes...

Hey.. the weekend went surprising well thank you.. I hope everybody else's did too. I distracted myself quite a lot by spending time with my family and going out for meals/to the cinema. I have just arrived back to Unversity now though for three weeks... and I can't believe how lonely I suddenly feel. This room is a place where I spent a lot of time with my boyfriend and somewhere where I'd chat to him on the phone every day for hours.. like normally I'd call him up now to talk and tell him how my journey was etc and that I've arrived safely... but he's not here any more and that's a really hard thing to accept.

I am not going to contact him no way but the desire is definitely there. I suppose I just have to try and distract myself by studying and talking to some friends.. but where I am it's really quiet and there's hardly anything ever going on. I have just sort of realised how much I miss him and feel a bit down. This really isn't good.

It is what it is, deal with it, and be creative like blast the box, and talk to the first one who complains, or grab a nutty hat, and explore the campus, or go make friends. Why sit and be bored, that's so boring.

It is what it is, deal with it, and be creative like blast the box, and talk to the first one who complains, or grab a nutty hat, and explore the campus, or go make friends. Why sit and be bored, thats so boring.

Tal gave you great advice and you need to call some friends and have them over or meet them for coffee. Don't sit in that room studying... study outside or go to a coffee bar or a park. You'll get through this.:)

Thanks guys. I am planning on getting out this evening and going to visit some friends living near by to catch up. Either that or study at the library. I was just sorting through one of my draws and came across the most beautiful Valentine's Day card he had written for me. Stupidly I read everything in it, all the poems/jokes/lovely things about our love that he wrote. It's so sad because I am remembering what we have between us and how in love we are/were.. and it hurts. But you're right, sitting here thinking about it won't do anyone any good. I will try and go out.

Thanks guys. I am planning on getting out this evening and going to visit some friends living near by to catch up. Either that or study at the library. I was just sorting through one of my draws and came accross the most beautiful Valentine's Day card he had written for me. Stupidly I read everything in it, all the poems/jokes/lovely things about our love that he wrote. It's so sad because I am remembering what we have between us and how in love we are/were.. and it hurts. But you're right, sitting here thinking about it won't do anyone any good. I will try and go out.




Good for you... have a great day!:)

Im sure you've already been given all the advice about how to deal with this, however I merely wish to enforce all other views and opinions expressed here.

You have made the right decision, I was in a relationship myself once many moons ago and that person was controlling and once we married I ended up a battered wife, in the end he went to stab me, and the result being I ended up having over 2 hours of surgery on my hand as I had grabbed the knife that he was attempting to kill me with, and yes he did want to kill me.

Anyone who tries to control you as a person is bad news so put a huge distance between yourself and them, you say you argued often about religious issues and such, you really have had a lucky escape and he's trying to use emotional blackmail on you, don't fall for it, like his not getting back to you one time when you phoned him, that's his way of using emotional blackmail, don't fall for it, don't call him at all, your relationship with him is over, make it a clean break, don't go meeting him to give him an explanation, you owe him nothing, he knows why the relationship is over, let him get on with his life and you yours.

Also don't fall for any promises he may make you about him going to so say change and anything of the kind, he won't change, or he may for a few weeks or months, but in no time it will all go back to how it was, leopards don't change their spots they merely re-arrange them.

I was in a controlling relationship for 7 years I was often promised the earth how he was sorry how he would change, He didn't change, he got worse, and as stated I ended up stabbed, had the sight of the blood spurting from my hand not scared him I could so easily be dead now.

You've done the right thing, now let it go, you really must for your own sake and peace of mind.

Good Luck to you, and I wish you the best.

You made the right choice

Hello. Wow, that is such powerful advice and has made me feel so so good about what I've done. I am so glad that you managed to come through okay, especially after how awfully he treated you. Hearing stories like yours makes me feel stronger and more eager to do the right thing and get out whilst I still can.

I have been considering for the last few days to actually not even meet him to give him an explanation, but to simply make it a phone call instead so that I don't feel the pressure of seeing him face to face, and so that he doesn't get the chance to manipulate me. Because I know he would do his best to manipulate me, probably with best intentions at heart, but obviously detrimental for me if it somehow worked. After what you've said I'm beginning to think that this might be the best idea, because I really don't want to be dragged into this whole thing again. However it's annoying me because judging by his text he sent last week, he seems to think that the reason I'm leaving him is because he wouldn't sleep with me anymore, and that I got fed up with that. It's hurtful because sex was one of the last things on my mind. It was more the lack of intimacy and acceptance that upset me rather than the actual sexual side of things. So I feel like I want to explain that to him, if you know what I mean.

I agree with what you say about people not changing. After 2 years of trying he hasn't altered one bit, just got worse, so I believe that he will always be this way. I don't necessarily think he is a person who would physically hurt me, but the mental and emotional torture was enough for it to cross the line, and you never know how it could all progress in the future.

Right now being on my own is quite hard though, as all the feelings of love and missing him come back. They are also paired with the feelings of relief and knowledge that I'm doing the right thing, but I can't help missing him terribly and imagining what it would be like for him to hug me again. It sounds silly after all he's put me through but it really hurts that that will never happen.

I have to be strong though. This website has turned into a bit of a personal journal for me, it's helpful to see it all laid out in words. I feel sorry for everyone who has to read it though!

Thank you for your advice positiveparent, you really have helped and encouraged me more. And Kit, thanks for your encouragement and care too.

You're doing better.. I can see that . Keep it up.

I know this is a bit silly but I feel really lonely... for the last couple of hours I've been trying to get some revision done but I can't stop thinking about how much I miss him and how much I have desires to just talk to him. Instead of considering ringing him I thought I'd come on here instead. I know I'm going to be told to go out and do something, but to be quite honest the people here aren't the type of people who go out much & I'm not too close to them (keep themselves to themselves) and I'm not feeling up to going out anywhere this evening. In pyjamas with no make-up.. really don't fancy it! I think I just want somebody to talk to. I feel bad because I should really be able to deal with these lonely feelings on my own.. but when you have somebody there for you every minute of every day for a couple of years it's pretty hard when they're gone.

I know this is a bit silly but I feel really lonely... for the last couple of hours I've been trying to get some revision done but I can't stop thinking about how much I miss him and how much I have desires to just talk to him. Instead of considering ringing him I thought I'd come on here instead. I know I'm going to be told to go out and do something, but to be quite honest the people here aren't the type of people who go out much & I'm not too close to them (keep themselves to themselves) and I'm not feeling up to going out anywhere this evening. In pyjamas with no make-up.. really don't fancy it! I think I just want somebody to talk to. I feel bad cos I should really be able to deal with these lonely feelings on my own.. but when you have somebody there for you every minute of every day for a couple of years it's pretty hard when they're gone.





Sometimes we have to stand still and let the emotions run their course. It's okay to be alone. It's okay to cry or scream as long as it makes you feel better. You can be in a crowd of people and still feel alone. There was a lady on a talk show recently who had just gone through a very traumatic breakup with her boyfriend and she said.. "even though I know I'm better off without him, I cry every night and wish he were here. I know that isn't possible because if I give in and he comes back it's like telling him it's okay to do the things he did before, only this time it would be worse". She went on to say, "I love being free and not being told what to do and I've even chosen to move away in order not to see him , until I am over him."

It's better to be with people and have friends around. Try not to think about him, you've come a long way and if you let yourself think too much about what might have been.. you'll find yourself going backwards
.
We're all here for you... Hugs... Kit

Hi Kit,

What that lady said is exactly how I feel. It's bizarre because I know he was so bad for me and often didn't treat me in the way I deserve, but I can't help missing him like crazy and feeling sick whenever I am on my own and thinking about it. Even throughout the day when I'm busy it's still there at the back of my mind. Sometimes I feel like I'd do anything to speak to him and have him tell me he loves me and that everything will be okay... I feel so alone.

It's weird how many other people have been through similar things though. I just hope this will get better. It's probably because I'm at University all on my own, once I go home in a few weeks and am around family and friends it should get better.

I feel proud that I've come this far but feel like it's all almost going to be ruined when I speak to him again after the three weeks is up and tell him it's over. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not talking to him now.. if I'm going to talk to him in 3 weeks I might as well chat now. I don't know.

I can't stop crying. This is not good. I feel like I want to be able to make myself feel better without calling or relying on someone else, but it's so hard. I have been seeing a counsellor for the past 5 weeks and she said that I've got to rely on myself, but I can't, because all this being alone business is hurting and it's not making me feel better. I want to go home.

A girl who lives round the corner here just came round for a chat about exams and stress etc. I feel better now after speaking to someone. And I'm so glad I didn't phone him. Night

A girl who lives round the corner here just came round for a chat about exams and stress etc. I feel better now after speaking to someone. And I'm so glad I didn't phone him. Night




I would get it over with. Are you strong enough not to crumble? Why not wait at least a couple of days and take someone with you... PLEASE. I feel as if he may be lulling you into a sense of false security and when you tell him, he may get violent. Think about it... Sleep Well:)

Thanks for your advice Kit. The thing is, I'm here at University, and he is 3 hours' drive away. I'm here for another 3 weeks, so I sort of have to wait (unless I go home beforehand, but not sure about that yet). But yes, I am DEFINITELY going to take someone with me when it does happen, and will do my absolute best to not fall for any win-back tactics. Today I feel a bit more positive as I'm going to go to the library all day and get out of this depressing little room.

Thanks again, enjoy your day.

I agree that if you go to meet him he may just get violent, my ex attacked me in just those circumstances so please be very careful, when people realise that a relationship is over they can be inclined to act violently, its like taking a toy from a small child they'll have a temper tantrum, however in adults it can so very easily get out of hand.

I know its hard I know you miss him, I too missed my ex, for quite some time after too, he has been a major part of your life for a very long time, so its only natural you'll miss him, but it will get easier with time, try to keep busy, I know that too can be hard, but please be strong, I know you can get through this, and you will, I don't know if you can email members here but if you can I would be happy to chat with you or email you, I too am in England so we would be on the same time zone.

I do really want to help you through this. Thinking of you.

Thanks, I have sent you a private message that you can read by clicking on "my profile" on the top right. Good night

Thanks, I have sent you a private message that you can read by clicking on "my profile" on the top right. Good night

Goodnight and keep being strong. I know you can do it... Kit

Oh gosh this is difficult. Especially when you come in after a long busy day and all you want to do is ring somebody to tell them how it was and what you've been up to. I so badly want to talk to him and catch up and feel that comfort of having him there listening and caring... it's so hard not to phone him. All my other friends have gone to bed already so it's just me! I'll probably try and go to bed myself soon.. but then the lying there staring at the ceiling for an hour happens... and that's when the urges to call are even stronger... I hate this...

!!

Also doesn't help when piled on top of exam stress, and especially doesn't help when your friend has spent the whole day telling you how she tried to commit suicide on Monday and showing you all her suicide notes! Ahhh!

Sorry, just needed a bit of a rant! Apart from that I'm okay!

Oh gosh this is difficult. Especially when you come in after a long busy day and all you want to do is ring somebody to tell them how it was and what you've been up to. I so badly want to talk to him and catch up and feel that comfort of having him there listening and caring... it's so hard not to phone him. All my other friends have gone to bed already so it's just me!! I'll probably try and go to bed myself soon.. but then the lying there staring at the ceiling for an hour happens... and that's when the urges to call are even stronger... I hate this....

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also doesn't help when piled on top of exam stress, and especially doesn't help when your friend has spent the whole day telling you how she tried to commit suicide on Monday and showing you all her suicide notes! Ahhh!!

Sorry, just needed a bit of a rant!! Apart from that I'm okay!

Positive and I have been very worried about you! I imagined all the horrible scenarios. I'm so glad you're OK. Your friend is a bit unhappy. Calling out for help. It will get better. Have you talked to your mom? How long till exams are over? Please hang in there and keep posting. Kit

Oops looks like the last half of my above message was cut off earlier.. can't remember what I was going to say though! Have been out with a really nice girlfriend tonight, we went to watch a show at the theatre and then to the student bar for a relax afterwards so am feeling much better this evening. Also have another whole day of revision planned out for tomorrow, so plenty to do! Appreciate your support, will let you know how I get on. Exams will be over in 2 weeks so not long to go now.

Goodnight, enjoy the rest of your weekend! :)

Oops looks like the last half of my above message was cut off earlier.. can't remember what I was going to say though! Have been out with a really nice girlfriend tonight, we went to watch a show at the theatre and then to the student bar for a relax afterwards so am feeling much better this evening. Also have another whole day of revision planned out for tomorrow, so plenty to do! Appreciate your support, will let you know how I get on. Exams will be over in 2 weeks so not long to go now.

Goodnight, enjoy the rest of your weekend! :)



Keep posting and have fun... I worry about you.. but I think you get stronger everyday. You're in my prayers. Kit

Hiya... just to let you know how I'm getting on.. the last couple of days have actually been rather good (surprisingly)! I'd been spending a lot of time with friends and was quite worried last night when everyone was busy because I knew I'd be in my room on my own most of the eve... but was actually fine, spent time chatting to an old friend on Facebook who's recently been through a similar thing to me, and put some up-beat music on and had a dance so am feeling better. And I didn't cry! It's weird though as I still think the whole situation hasn't quite sunk in yet.. I'm sure it will in a couple of weeks when it's finally like officially over.. but every day I become more sure and fixed in my decision and am quite proud of myself for coping this long without talking to him at all. I've proved to myself that I can do it and that I will be okay even if it does take a good few months, so feeling more positive in that sense.

Also, I have a couple of friends who are in the middle of really controlling relationships and I sort of look at what they're going through and am thankful that I've decided to realise it now and not wait years until babies and marriage happened etc etc. So yes, thanks for your support and I will keep you posted! It still comes in waves every now and again but finger's crossed, okay fot the time being. Hope you've had a nice weekend :)

I had also been worried about you, and was hoping you hadn't succumbed and gone back, Im relieved to know you're doing OK and you seem to be coping better now. Great

It does get easier with time, and one day you'll find you haven't thought about him, for the whole day, and then it'll be 2 days and so on.

As you know Kit and I are always here for you. So Keep On Keeping On you can do it. I have faith in you. Im sure Kit does too.

I had also been worried about you, and was hoping you hadnt succumbed and gone back, Im relieved to know youre doing OK and you seem to be coping better now. Great

It does get easier with time, and one day youll find you havent thought about him, for the whole day, and then itll be 2 days and so on.

As you know Kit and I are always here for you. So Keep On Keepin On you can do it. I have faith in you. Im sure Kit does too.




I feel like giving you a star evaame... Positive and I will be here for you. You feel like one of my kids... Kit

Yes I second that emotion Kit she also feels like one of mine. LOL.

Yes I second that emotion Kit she also feels like one of mine. LOL.




Both of us now have another daughter! :D

Both of us now have another daughter! :D

Hehe I am delighted to have 2 new Mums! Lovely ones at that! The more support the better, thank you. :D

I was on Facebook yesterday and completely out of the blue he sent me a message via Facebook chat. The message basically was along the lines of: "I know you probaly wont reply but I want you to know I will always love you.. I want you to be happy...And most of all I hope you have been well the last couple of weeks! See you can be independant you are a strong loving girl who will always have a place in my heart :) x x"

So I'm a bit confused right, as first I thought it was a win-back tactic, trying to tell me that I'm independent and therefore have succeeded in what I wanted to do so now I might as well go back to him, but then I'm wondering if it's just him wanting to tell me how much he loves me and how he truly feels. Anyway, you'll be pleased to know that I just exited the conversation and didn't reply. We are supposed to be in NC, remember! So yes, it makes me wonder... do you think this means he has sort of come to terms with the fact that I don't want to be with him and he just wants me to do what makes me happy? Because I'm more inclined to believe it's a "come back to me you've got what you wanted now come back!" sort of thing.

Thanks again, I'm off to a dance class now and for a swim before revision so will keep busy all day! Enjoy your days too x

And positiveparent, I did reply with an email last week, just in case you hadn't realised. I hope it was the right address!

Oo and I'm going to wear a bikini.! ;)

I think he's just using another form of emotional blackmail type tactic, as in wanting you to think he's really OK with the break up, so then you'll begin wondering , why is he acting so civilised, and cool about things, oh perhaps he really is happy with the split.

This then causing you to start questioning have you made right decision blah blah,

However you did good you signed out of Facebook, Top Marks *♥*♥*♥* ( big stars for you)

I think you've got it , yes by jove you've got it . WooHoo

I replied to your hotmail account, did you get it? :confused:

:):):)

I think hes just using another form of emotional blackmail type tactic, as in wanting you to think hes really OK with the break up, so then youll begin wondering , why is he acting so civilised, and cool about things, oh perhaps he really is happy with the split.

This then causing you to start questioning have you made right decision blah blah,

However you did good you signed out of facebook, Top Marks *♥*♥*♥* ( big stars for you)

I think youve got it , yes by jove youve got it . WooHoo

I replied to your hotmail account, did you get it ??:confused:

:):):)

Hiya, yes you are so right! Suddenly I was actually questioning in my mind if I'm doing the right thing, like I know I am really but a part of me was like "oh well perhaps there's a chance he will treat me differently after all this".. but NO I know that's not true (even though he will try to persuade me it is).. I know that I'm doing this for a reason because I was so unhappy and this is the right thing for a positive future! So I am pleased that I ignored it and I enjoyed myself today in the pool wearing normal swimwear rather than the silly shorts and t-shirt I used to wear because of him. :)

And nope I never did get it, I have been checking it quite a lot but nothing there! I even checked my deleted mail box and there's nothing there from you either. Sorry, I'm confused too!

Off to the library now for some more revision, take care

Sounds like you're doing good... I'm so gald... Wow I was worried about you there for a while.

I'm going to get up from my desk find my IPOD and put on "I Will Survive"...

My husband is going to think I've lost it when I go dancing into the garage in my bell bottoms and an old rolling stones Tshirt... I feel great... you are free of this guy!

Haha Kit I wish I was there to see it! And funny you should say that about that song.. I've been listening to "I Will Survive" practically every day on YouTube, it's a really great uplifting song! I feel pleased too, and couldn't have got this far without everybody's help. Have a great evening, off to bed now after having lots of fun chatting to some friends and laughing so much that my stomach now hurts! Hehe sleep well x

I feel I should forewarn you that you are going to get days where you will need all of your strength and resolve to stop yourself from being tempted to go back to him.

At those times I suggest you go out window shopping or if you can afford to go out and treat yourself, buy a new dress or something or even just go buy yourself a cream cake lol, just do anything that helps you overcome the temptation.

I also recommend you change your phone number, ASAP, this will stop you getting tempted if he texts you, or phones you.

Go out with your g/friends, but be careful to avoid places you went to with him, or where you know he may frequent, if you can afford it buy yourself some new clothes or if not put any that he may have given to you at the back of your wardrobe until you're more able to wear them without thinking of the occasions when you wore them with him.

Put any letters or cards or photos you have of him or the two of you together in a box and put them in the loft, you can of course burn them or shred them, but if you don't feel up to doing this just put them out of reach. Or easy access.

Change something about yourself in some way, i.e. if you have long straight hair try wearing it curled, or up on top of your head, in some way that's different, it'll help you feel better and good about yourself, or you could colour your hair, or start wearing a different colour lip gloss/stick, wear or stop wearing eye liner, just something subtle, it all helps.

Go out and flirt outrageously.

Im sure you'll soon find that it all gets much easier, in no time at all.

A year from now or less you'll wonder what the fuss was all about. Im sure you will.

Anyway you've got 2 more Mums now to help you over this. You can't lose

Not sure about the rolling stones, Im more into Paul Van Dyk, or Paul Oakenfold myself.

Yep Im a party animal.

A recycled Teenager...

I feel I should forewarn you that you are going to get days where you will need all of your strength and resolve to stop yourself from being tempted to go back to him.

At those times I suggest you go out window shopping or if you can afford to go out and treat yourself, buy a new dress or something or even just go buy yourself a cream cake lol, just do anything that helps you overcome the temptation.

I also recommend you change your phone number, ASAP, this will stop you getting tempted if he texts you, or phones you.

Go out with your g/friends, but be careful to avoid places you went to with him, or where you know he may frequent, if you can afford it buy yourself some new clothes or if not put any that he may have given to you at the back of your wardrobe until youre more able to wear them without thinking of the occasions when you wore them with him.

Put any letters or cards or photos you have of him or the two of you together in a box and put them in the loft, you can of course burn them or shred them, but if you dont feel up to doing this just put them out of reach. Or easy access.

Change something about yourself in some way, i.e. if you have long straight hair try wearing it curled, or up on top of your head, in some way thats different, itll help you feel better and good about yourself, or you could colour your hair, or start wearing a different colour lip gloss/stick, wear or stop wearing eye liner, just something subtle, it all helps.

Go out and flirt outrageously.

Im sure youll soon find that it all gets much easier, in no time at all.

A year from now or less youll wonder what the fuss was all about. Im sure you will.

Anyway youve got 2 more Mums now to help you over this. You can't lose

Not sure about the rolling stones, Im more into Paul Van Dyk, or Paul Oakenfold myself.

Yep Im a party animal.

A recycled Teenager...

I'm so proud ! Our girl is going to make it through this.:cool: Evemee another great song... "You're No Good" by Linda Ronstadt... old song.

I'm so proud ! Our girl is going to make it through this.:cool: Evemee another great song..."You're No Good" by Linda Ronstadt....old song.

I am trying my best :) Thanks I will listen to the song now.. trying to think positive! And love the advice from positiveparent above... I will take time to go shopping once exams are over and buy some nice things for myself. All the Valentine's cards etc are now safely away in a draw and will be moved somewhere else far away when I get home. And I'm avoiding the gym where I met him at all costs!

I am trying my best :) Thanks I will listen to the song now.. trying to think positive! And love the advice from positiveparent above... I will take time to go shopping once exams are over and buy some nice things for myself. All the Valentine's cards etc are now safely away in a draw and will be moved somewhere else far away when I get home. And I'm avoiding the gym where I met him at all costs!

Keep it up... You're doing great!:D

https://sites.google.com/site/posparent/_/rsrc/1274612291823/motivator3/colour.jpg

Something to help out maybe.

Of course you could always watch this video which I think is hilarious. Check Out

YouTube - divine - you think you're a man (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TXoGjYO7TY)

of course you could always watch this video which I think is hilarious. Check Out

YouTube - divine - you think you're a man (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TXoGjYO7TY)








It is... :D

Oh my GOSH. Something unexpected and not good has happened. I am so upset and so utterly fed up with this whole thing now.

So I'm on the computer going about business as normal, then suddenly out of the blue my boyfriend's friend calls me. She says basically that "he's in a really bad way.. going absolutely crazy.. doesn't know what's going on.. do you want to be with him/don't you want to be with him.. you need to talk to him". So obviously I am very worried and concerned, but I tell her that him and I can't talk until after exams as I'm stressed enough as it is.

Next thing I know my boyfriend is bombarding me with messages on Facebook chat. "Katie, I have to talk to you.. Katie please stop all this ignoring.. I can't stand it.. I'm going mad.." etc etc. I have her on the other end of the phone demanding I speak to him, so I instant message him back just to wait a minute. I finish the phone conversation with her and then begin speaking to him on Facebook. He said most of what I predicted really - "I have been doing so much thinking/soul-searching, realised how awful and controlling I've been.. no wonder you've been so upset.. I've been so over the top... I feel awful... I love you with all of my heart.. you are the one.." etc etc. Everything I expected. Very convincing he was. I actually believe that what he's saying is true - although I know that it would only be that way for a few months, and eventually his old ways would creep back.

But anyway, so this conversation went on and on, getting nowhere, me saying that we can't talk right now because I'm revising, him sometimes demanding answers: "do you want to be with me? Is it true that you've had enough?" and sometimes telling me to take my time and think about it and that we'll speak later. Thing is, I know it's selfish but I can't tell him the truth right now, because he wouldn't believe me and would hassle me constantly with phonecalls/texts which would equal terrible stress for both of us (I have an exam tomorrow). So instead I told him that I need time to think, that we should be friends for now and continue not talking until after exams. Eventually he agreed and apologised and told me to go and revise and that he was sorry for disturbing me, but he had been having a bad panic attack and gave into the urge to call. I advised him to go back to his Mum's home instead of being in his flat on his own, and to spend time with family and friends for now. He said he's probably going to go to Egypt tomorrow (where his Dad's side of the fam live).

So the conversation ended, with nothing being solved, me feeling awful again (all those original feelings I felt a week ago of anxiety, pain, guilt and really really missing him) and then on the other hand knowing I have to hold it all together for the next week until these exams are out the way.

Even though I have just spoken to him and heard his promises, I still feel strong with my decision. I still know it's the best thing. I also have humungous urges to go back to him though. I really do. I want to believe that he will change, I want to believe that our love is so strong it will last forever. I truly want to believe that and just give in.

But I feel like I would be letting SO many people down if I did, not to mention myself. My whole family, my friends and also everybody on here. Why did this have to happen? Why is this so hard? I know we've been over this before but it all feels so raw again. I am trying very hard to stay strong. I still have urges even now to phone him back and be comforted but I know it's not the right thing to do. I love him dearly and talking to him again has made me miss him even more.

Sorry I think I just needed to get all my feelings out in words to make myself feel better. I just don't know how I'm going to find the strength to do this. Once he's gone he's gone, and can't stand the thought of missing him forever and never again experiencing those amazing close things we've shared.

Why did I have to fall in love with someone who was so bad for me! Why! He is such a lovely caring person and loves me so much... ARGHHHHHHHHH

Okay I am going to my friend's house now to talk to her about it. I can't just sit here on my own! I will try and get some revision done there. Thanks everybody, and sorry to have let you down by talking to him, but at the time there really was no other option. I'll be back here in a few hours' time.

His actions and your reactions have changed nothing, just stirred up old feelings, and exposed the same raw wound, that was there before.

Stay on your path of NC, and let him go to Egypt, or wherever he wants to deal with his own feelings.

Such emotional responses very seldom are based in fact, nor are they rational.

Nothing has changed, just the level of the drama. Should have just told him to get over himself and leave you alone.*

*Copy and paste this backward on your forehead, to remind you of what to do every time you look in the mirror.

Ok... We knew this would happen , right?. You said a few days you thought he might do this right?

You still have feelings for him and that's normal. You have come so far and we knew this was going to happen.

Don't be swayed... he's ashamed to let his family in Egypt know "his little woman", is no longer dancing to his tune.

Get control of yourself and don't talk to him. Rememember "I Will Survive"? You've been doing a darn good job of it in the last couple of weeks.

Tal gave you some good advise and listen... don't let yourself regress back to the mess you were when you first came here.

He's feeling the control slipping away and he can't stand it. Block him from everything. To heck with his exams... break it off now.

He's a big boy and you have outgrown his bullying, demanding,
Hot tempered, jealous, demeaning
Ways. Don't you call him... Please

P.S You ought to see me when I'm really mad:eek:

OK I feel its time to possibly be cruel to be kind.

I truly feel that instead of saying you can't tell him you're over and done with him yet because of this or that, you need to go tell him what is what and NOW, you aren't being fair to him if he isn't aware as such of your intentions, and whilst he's not aware then you won't get anywhere with this NC stuff, because lets face it the guy has heard you say you're not happy with things, BUT you Haven't told him you want to end your relationship with him, he's bound to wonder what's going on.

So whilst you're into the NC stuff, he's wondering what the hell is going on.

Really you have got to tell him what you're doing and why there's no such word as cant, you can tell him and you must do so now, you aren't being fair to yourself or him, its OK saying you'll tell him in 2 or 3 weeks time, great, in which time you'll have a trial run at NC, knowing he doesn't know, which indirectly means you've given yourself a safety net and time for a trial run of NC, which gives you time to either back out or go back, he wouldn't be any the wiser.

Why put off till tomorrow what you can do today, Really the time for stalling has ended you really must tell him your intentions and why, and then walk away don't look back, but until he knows your plans he's got no idea that he's for now at least history so he will make emotional displays and possibly demands too, you can't keep him on a string that's not fair to either of you, its got to be a clean break, or it won't do either of you any good.

Please if you want to end it with this guy you've got to tell him that you are. Now Please.

If you decide not to go through with this, you won't have let me down, I would respect your decision and leave it at that, you've got to live your life for you no one else, those who care about you won't condemn you or say anything bad about you or to you, some may be disappointed but its human nature peoples relationships are on and off on occasion, so don't worry what others want you to do, you have to do whatever you do for you, and only you. Ill stick by you whatever you choose to do, but know you are responsible for your choices and the outcome of those choices good or bad.

Choose what you want for YOU..

OK I feel its time to possibly be cruel to be kind.

I truly feel that instead of saying you can't tell him youre over and done with him yet because of this or that, you need to go tell him what is what and NOW, you arent being fair to him if he isnt aware as such of your intentions, and whilst hes not aware then you wont get anywhere with this NC stuff, because lets face it the guy has heard you say youre not happy with things, BUT you Havent told him you want to end your relationship with him, hes bound to wonder whats going on.

so whilst youre into the NC stuff, hes wondering what the hell is going on.

Really you have got to tell him what youre doing and why theres no such


word as cant, you can tell him and you must do so now, you arent being fair to yourself or him, its OK saying youll tell him in 2 or 3 weeks time, great, in which time youll have a trial run at NC, knowing he doesnt know, which indirectly means youve given yourself a safety net and time for a trial run of NC, which gives you time to either back out or go back, he wouldnt be any the wiser.

Why put off till tomorrow what you can do today, Really the time for stalling has ended you really must tell him your intentions and why, and then walk away dont look back, but until he knows your plans hes got no idea that hes for now at least history so he will make emotional displays and possibly demands too, you can't keep him on a string thats not fair to either of you, its got to be a clean break, or it wont do either of you any good.

Please if you want to end it with this guy youve got to tell him that you are. Now Please.

If you decide not to go through with this, you wont have let me down, I would respect your decision and leave it at that, youve got to live your life for you no one else, those who care about you wont condemn you or say anything bad about you or to you, some may be disappointed but its human nature peoples relationships are on and off on occasion, so dont worry what others want you to do, you have to do whatever you do for you, and only you. Ill stick by you whatever you choose to do, but know you are responsible for your choices and the outcome of those choices good or bad.

Choose what you want for YOU..

I believe he will never change. He was raised in a culture that has been instilled in him. Katie.. think about this. I know you love him and he'll promise anything to get you back. If you do go back , picyure yourself and him five years from now... Kit

Katie know this if you don't sort this out and let him know what you're intentions are, then that could just be something you end up living to regret, because finding out you've in his mind at least played with him, could push him one step too far, and he could turn nasty towards you, thinking that you've maybe been using him or similar.

A Mans Pride and Ego don't take kindly to being dented.

Kits spot on he won't change, Leopards never change their spots they merely re-arrange them.

He may promise you the earth, swear on a stack of bibles or islam equivalent and possibly really mean it at the time, but believe me, he will revert to type its ingrained in him, he's a control freak, a negative entity, and they always get worse with age.

Since being with him going on what you've told us in these posts, you've had a sneak peak into Domsetic Violence, a mild form maybe but domestic violence all the same, so just ask yourself, do you want him telling you who you can or cannot mix with, or for him to accuse you of screwing any male over 5 years old, to accuse you of making him act like he does, and its all your fault if it wasn't for your stupidity and not listening to him it wouldn't be happening.

Do you want him calling you a slut telling you you're a useless person and that if you report him to the police no one will believe you because everyone knows you're sick and a liar a slut whore tart, tramp, and if you have kids hell ridicule you in front of them, tell you you're a useless Mother, and wife, do exactly what he wants whilst you dread him walking through the door at night after he's had a skinful of beer, and forget about having headaches, hell just take what he wants when he wants it, Because you're his property, and he is entitled

Don't kid yourself it won't happen to you, because on what you've told us he's already well on the way, do you want to tell your family oh I walked into a door, for the umpteenth time. Because he blacked your eyes.

Did you also know 90% of all murders are Domestic between man and wife usually, because they are.

I was lucky I managed to escape eventually after 7 years of being his piece of trash, who couldn't have any friends because they were all tramps. My family were low lifes I was scum, and more much more.

Oh but as soon as I managed to get away he became a snivvelling little wimp again, because that's what he really was, a big hard man who could only beat his 5ft 1inch 8stone wife up, but ran for the hills if he thought a Man may confront him. Yes he was hard to look at without laughing.

Oh and hell keep you barefoot and broke as the saying goes.

Stick with your ex and the above is what you can look forward to. So do you want to be treated well or without hope. You choose.

Kits spot on he wont change, Leopards never change their spots they merely re-arrange them.

He may promise you the earth, swear on a stack of bibles or islam equivalent and possibly really mean it at the time, but believe me, he will revert to type its ingrained in him, hes a control freak, a negative entity, and they always get worse with age.

Since being with him going on what youve told us in these posts, youve had a sneak peak into Domsetic Violence, a mild form maybe but domestic violence all the same, so just ask yourself, do you want him telling you who you can or cannot mix with, or for him to accuse you of screwing any male over 5 years old, to accuse you of making him act like he does, and its all your fault if it wasnt for your stupidity and not listening to him it wouldnt be happening.

Do you want him calling you a slut telling you youre a useless person and that if you report him to the police no one will believe you because everyone knows youre sick and a liar a slut whore tart, tramp, and if you have kids hell ridicule you in front of them, tell you youre a useless Mother, and wife, do exactly what he wants whilst you dread him walking through the door at night after hes had a skinful of beer, and forget about having headaches, hell just take what he wants when he wants it, Because youre his property, and he is entitled

Dont kid yourself it wont happen to you, because on what youve told us hes already well on the way, do you want to tell your family oh I walked into a door, for the umpteenth time. because he blacked your eyes.

Did you also know 90% of all murders are Domestic between man and wife usually, because they are.

I was lucky I managed to escape eventually after 7 years of being his piece of trash, who couldnt have any friends because they were all tramps. My family were low lifes I was scum, and more much more.

Oh but as soon as I managed to get away he became a snivvelling little wimp again, because thats what he really was, a big hard man who could only beat his 5ft 1inch 8stone wife up, but ran for the hills if he thought a Man may confront him. Yes he was hard to look at without laughing.

Oh and hell keep you barefoot and broke as the saying goes.

Stick with your ex and the above is what you can look forward to. So do you want to be treated well or without hope. You choose.

Katie... let us know what is going on...

Hi, I am sorry for the late reply, I have been out distracting myself with friends and trying to revise. Didn't really work though.

I am just a complete confused mess and don't know what to think or believe. One person's telling me one thing, somebody else is telling me another, and it's so difficult to make up my own mind. I am just so confused about it all and really didn't expect these feelings to come back so strong and intense. This is all also mixed with the stress of anticipating the exam tomorrow so really I just feel like screaming and collapsing on the floor. I don't think tonight is a time to make any decisions so I am going to just see how I feel after my exam in two days. My heart is telling me one thing and my head another. I just can't cope with this stupid situation anymore.

Thanks both of you for your support, your words mean a lot to me and sorry for leaving you hanging all evening. I'll stay on here for a bit to chat if you are around.

Hi, I am sorry for the late reply, I have been out distracting myself with friends and trying to revise. Didn't really work though.

I am just a complete confused mess and don't know what to think or believe. One person's telling me one thing, somebody else is telling me another, and it's so difficult to make up my own mind. I am just so confused about it all and really didn't expect these feelings to come back so strong and intense. This is all also mixed with the stress of anticipating the exam tomorrow so really I just feel like screaming and collapsing on the floor. I don't think tonight is a time to make any decisions so I am going to just see how I feel after my exam in two days. My heart is telling me one thing and my head another. I just can't cope with this stupid situation anymore.

Thanks both of you for your support, your words mean a lot to me and sorry for leaving you hanging all evening. I'll stay on here for a bit to chat if you are around.

Study.. with a friend. I wish you had someone you could stay with. I feel uneasy about him. I guess you have a lot of thinking to do. Read back over all the post. We're here for you... {{ HUGS}}... Kit

Hi Katie Pleased to know you're still with us, can we chat on here?

Hi Katie Pleased to know youre still with us, can we chat on here??

Well the mods don't allow it. But use pm or IM.

Yes of course we can chat on here. Thanks, yes I wish I had somebody else too but unfortunately it's 23 past midnight and everyone else is asleep! I think that tomorrow I will read over the posts for a second time in detail and try to absorb fully what you're saying. It's hard because I feel like my emotions have muffled any type of rational thought at the moment, so like I said to Marianne in the email, after a good sleep I should think clearer tomorrow. Just all the love's come rushing back and the thought of "oh, what if he does change? What if he actually means it?" Even though I know that's stupid I can't help wondering it and wanting to give him another chance. Don't worry though, like I said tonight I feel very confused...

Yes of course we can chat on here. Thanks, yes I wish I had somebody else too but unfortunately it's 23 past midnight and everyone else is asleep! I think that tomorrow I will read over the posts for a second time in detail and try to absorb fully what you're saying. It's hard because I feel like my emotions have muffled any type of rational thought at the moment, so like I said to Marianne in the email, after a good sleep I should think clearer tomorrow. Just all the love's come rushing back and the thought of "oh, what if he does change? What if he actually means it?" Even though I know that's stupid I can't help wondering it and wanting to give him another chance. Don't worry though, like I said tonight I feel very confused...

It would be like me trying to change my husband from a Republican to a democrat. He might try to think the way I wanted him too for a while and then when things got back to normal he would start acting like a Republican(bad analogy I know). I wouldn't change my beleifs as a Baptist and a christian for anyone. Think Katie... and sleep well... Kit

Kit I know you're right, I've just had a chat with my best friend Catherine and she's talked a bit of sense into me.. or rather I talked some into myself.. I hope tomorrow I see things more clearly. Have a lovely evening and appreciate your help. Night x

Hiya, woke up this morning feeling a lot more positive, I realise that the emotions of yesterday were taking over and that really deep down nothing has changed. Even if he promised to change, I am imagining (like somebody suggested) what he'd be like in 5 years' time, and he would most likely revert back to what he was like in the first place... also if he did agree to do things like letting me go clubbing etc he would still be a nervous wreck whilst I was out and either ring me every 5 minutes or interrogate me when I got back, so it just wouldn't be worth it. I do truly believe that he WANTS to change and means it, but I just don't think it's physically possible for somebody that radical to do so. Like you said Kit about the analogy of trying to change your husband - in the long-term it just wouldn't work.

My exam's in 2 hours so am going to go and finish off preparing for that. Have a nice day, speak later x

That's great knowing you feel more positive about things today.

From what I can see the bottom line is, you have 2 options open to yourself.

You can get back into this relationship, knowing what you can look forward to or you can end it and mean it, and focus on your University Degree, and put all thoughts of a relationship on hold for the time being, you have your whole life ahead of you, and in my opinion this time at Uni should be your time for focusing on your career plans.

Not spending night after night torturing yourself over a relationship that in my opinion based on personal experience is headed for disaster, and that's the only way to describe your relationship with this guy.

I believe you are aware of where this relationship will end up if you stick with or go back to it.

Katie you're young, and single, if you were my own Daughter, I would be advising you to forget about boyfriends and relationships for now, and to get out there, enjoy life, take the world by the ears and grab what you can, go see the world, get your degree, and live your life for you and only you, you can give your time and attention to having a relationship in say 5 or 10 years time, there's no rush, you have years before you need to spend hours deliberating over what would be a disastrous relationship.

Go out there and live your life to the full don't give it over to a relationship that's going to end in disaster.

If you live your life for you now by the time you get to thinking about a relationship you'll have gained so much experience you'll be more worldy wise, just think how much richer any future relationships you embark upon are going to be, don't give away your youth you only have it once make the most of it, and worry about love and romance in a few years time, There is no rush its not a race.

If I had my way on things I would want the age of consent for getting married raised to 30 for males and 28 for females, why? Because under these ages no one male or female is experienced enough or wise enough to be able to make a success of any romantic relationships, it would also give the youth of the world more time to focus on learning life skills and maturing enough to cope with relationships/marriage.

I reckon it would also cut down the divorce rate.

P.S. get yourself a BOB ( battery operated boyfriend) they're less hassle and always do as they're supposed to. LOL

Thats great knowing you feel more positive about things today.

From what I can see the bottom line is, you have 2 options open to yourself.

You can get back into this relationship, knowing what you can look forward to or you can end it and mean it, and focus on your University Degree, and put all thoughts of a relationship on hold for the time being, you have your whole life ahead of you, and in my opinion this time at Uni should be your time for focusing on your career plans.

Not spending night after night torturing yourself over a relationship that in my opinion based on personal experience is headed for disaster, and thats the only way to describe your relationship with this guy.

I believe you are aware of where this relationship will end up if you stick with or go back to it.

Katie youre young, and single, if you were my own Daughter, I would be advising you to forget about boyfriends and relationships for now, and to get out there, enjoy life, take the world by the ears and grab what you can, go see the world, get your degree, and live your life for you and only you, you can give your time and attention to having a relationship in say 5 or 10 years time, theres no rush, you have years before you need to spend hours deliberating over what would be a disasterous relationship.

Go out there and live your life to the full dont give it over to a relationship thats going to end in disaster.

If you live your life for you now by the time you get to thinking about a relationship youll have gained so much experience youll be more worldy wise, just think how much richer any future relationships you embark upon are going to be, dont give away your youth you only have it once make the most of it, and worry about love and romance in a few years time, There is no rush its not a race.

If I had my way on things I would want the age of consent for getting married raised to 30 for males and 28 for females, why? because under these ages no one male or female is experienced enough or wise enough to be able to make a success of any romantic relationships, it would also give the youth of the world more time to focus on learning life skills and maturing enough to cope with relationships/marriage.

I reckon it would also cut down the divorce rate.

P.S. get yourself a BOB ( battery operated boyfriend) theyre less hassle and always do as theyre supposed to. LOL

Post when you need us.. We worry about you... Kit

Haha I want a BOB! He would be perfect for me! Do you know, I actually agree with everything you've just said. I think that at the age of 18 there are a lot more important things in life to worry about and stress over than men and love etc. especially when the person you are with isn't making you happy. You're right, I would love to be able to focus on things I want and things that make ME happy, and not worry about pleasing/disappointing him. Today I am feeling stronger and realise very much that yesterday my emotions were blocking my rational thought processes. I should really put my Psychology Degree here to good use and apply some of the theories to myself!

Yes, I know the relationship was heading for disaster, my rational mind knows that and knows that getting out now is definitely the best thing. However once your emotions come in they completely take control and thinking reasonably is very hard. That's why I think it's important to always wait and think rather than making rash decisions based on feelings alone. Deep down I know I am doing all this for a reason. My friend gave me some really good advice - she said to sit and think about all the possible ways he could react when I do see him and tell him that it's over. Like to consider all options - him getting very upset and crying, him screaming and getting angry... him trying to kiss me and talk me round.. him promising to change everything.. all sorts of things. That way it is unlikely that something will take me by surprise, and I'll be prepared for most things and know that even though I feel very emotional and want to give in I was expecting to feel this way and know how to deal with it. Does that make sense?

It's very easy to think like this now though when he's not sat in front of me trying to manipulate the situation!

The exam went really well today by the way so I'm feeling positive in that respect. Now to prepare for tomorrow!

I am also planning on getting back into belly dancing by the way and doing a few performances at some point, something he would never let me do before!

Really grateful for all your help still, I know I couldn't be thing positive without you and Kit helping me along. Thanks x

Thank you yes, much better! Up and down but better for now!

By the way, I forgot to mention that he told me he knew the password for my hotmail account, so he had been reading all the emails that you and I have sent each other, positiveparent. At first I was angry but then a little relieved as I hoped that he had got the message after reading what I've said to you about definitely wanting to break up with him. Unfortunately though he didn't seem to have accepted that point and still believes that I don't mean it, which is a bit of a worry as he appears to be very much in denial. Anyway, I am sorry if this has angered you as I know what we say to each other should be private, but unfortunately there is not much I could've done about it as I didn't know he had the password.

I have obviously changed the password now by the way and am sure he won't be able to see anymore.

Thank you yes, much better! Up and down but better for now!

By the way, I forgot to mention that he told me he knew the password for my hotmail account, so he had been reading all the emails that you and I have sent eachother, positiveparent. At first I was angry but then a little relieved as I hoped that he had got the message after reading what I've said to you about definitely wanting to break up with him. Unfortunately though he didn't seem to have accepted that point and still believes that I don't mean it, which is a bit of a worry as he appears to be very much in denial. Anyway, I am sorry if this has angered you as I know what we say to eachother should be private, but unfortunately there is not much I could've done about it as I didn't know he had the password.

I have obviously changed the password now by the way and am sure he won't be able to see anymore.



He sounds like a total out of control fruitcake. Get a restarining order !

At least its good to know that you've at least got the handle on knowing what thinking positive is, many of the women I counsel in a woman's aid refuge don't have a clue, and think that they are positive thinkers, its such an eye opener to them when they finally catch on to what Positive Thinking really is.

So you're streets ahead already, it sounds to me like you've got a very sensible and realistic head on your shoulders already, and that's great.

You're going to become one wise woman Katie Congratulations.

I assume with your taking psychology you'll go into counselling/psycho analysis etc? Well seems to me you're taking the right degree, and consider this experience as another learning curve, like a hands on experience.

Life is one long lesson, just when you get it in one area another experience comes along and you then have to get that one, and the next and so it goes on.

If I had known 10 years ago what I know now I couldve ruled the world. LOL

Also remember whatever hurts you most makes you stronger.

If you want any psychology papers, thesis, methods etc, Ive got a ton, from Gestalt, to Jung to Frued, I can send you them no problem.

Have to admit though all the psychology degrees in the world won't prepare a person for some of the lessons life throws at us, but having knowledge in this area can and does help one get through them.

You're doing good.
Keep On Keeping On.

Just read your latest post here, Im not bothered about him reading anything Ive sent to you, its true so no problem, but let that be another red flag to you he's invading your privacy that's typical of a control freak, Ill send you details later of an email that is very private free and encrypted,so if you get one of them he will have no hope of hacking into it, inform hotmail he's hacked your account I would.

Thanks, that's very useful information, and I'll bear that in mine about the papers you've mentioned, especially Freud's stuff as he is definitely very interesting! Yes I'm doing a Psychology Degree, am at a good University too so really enjoying it! My plan is to branch into Clinical eventually, but I'm fully aware of how competitive it is and that it can take years and years to get onto the PhD course. Have done quite a bit of work experience though (in care homes and with children etc, also just did a very helpful counselling course which was good) so am staying hopeful! Did you do a degree in Psychology then, or have a career in that area? Counselling for Woman's Aid must be an absolutely amazing experience, but also very difficult.. I envy somebody who has the strength to cope with that!

And you're right, it's hard to apply things to your own life situations when you're the one who's actually going though them.. advising others is so much easier as I'm sure you know!

At least its good to know that youve at least got the handle on knowing what thinking positive is, many of the women I counsel in a womans aid refuge dont have a clue, and think that they are positive thinkers, its such an eye opener to them when they finally catch on to what Positive Thinking really is.

So youre streets ahead already, it sounds to me like youve got a very sensible and realistic head on your shoulders already, and thats great.

Youre gopng to become one wise woman Katie Congratulations.

I assume with your taking psychology youll go into counselling/psycho analysis etc? well seems to me youre taking the right degree, and consider this experience as another learning curve, like a hands on experience.

Life is one long lesson, just when you get it in one area another experience comes along and you then have to get that one, and the next and so it goes on.

If I had known 10 years ago what I know now I couldve ruled the world. LOL

Also remember whatever hurts you most makes you stronger.

If you want any psychology papers, thesis, methods etc, Ive got a ton, from Gestalt, to Jung to Frued, I can send you them no problem.

Have to admit though all the psychology degrees in the world wont prepare a person for some of the lessons life throws at us, but having knowledge in this area can and does help one get through them.

Youre doing good.
Keep On Keepin On.




Katie... I will be your first patient. I'm sitting here with my grandsons watching VHI classic videos. My sweeties are on the floor laughing their butts off because I like David Bowie.. "Space Odyssey".

There are a few I will not watch nor do I let them watch. I love Bono and Pink Floyd... Oh well.. you all have a good weekend and here is a BIG HUG to you both. Katie get some garlic and a cross to put on your door... Kidding... Kit

Haha that sounds like lots of fun, I'm glad you are enjoying yourself! Thank you, have a wonderful weekend too with your Grandsons and hugs back to you as well. I do think you are rather sane though so not sure you'll be needing anybody's help! Hehe enjoy xx

Yes I did the degree course, for 5 years start to finish didn't go on for the Doctorate, but got the B Sc, in it. I counsel women who have left violent relationships, on a voluntary basis for now, I may go into it on a more full time basis when my youngest is in full time education, or at least the hours he will be at school.

Hes 4 now so will have to make up my mind soonish LOL...

I also have first hand experience of being in a violent relationship so that really helps, both myself and the women, they at least know I have been there so Im not just quoting from a text book.

I also spend time on myself everyday ensuring I stay positive and focused in my outlook to life and its situations.

Yes not responding immediately is very good and it will help you deal with your own emotions and how to control them or put them to effective use as opposed to destructive.

I knew you were on the road to becoming a wise woman. Yep...

Wow you have done so much.. counselling vulnerable women like that must be a very helpful and also rewarding thing to do, especially when you know that you've helped them through a difficult time and supported them so much that it's given them the strength to move forward. It's odd that we're both doing the same type of degree, I'd never have expected it! And your son must be so gorgeous, it will be weird for you when he starts school and isn't home all the time!

Yes, having been involved in the same thing that you're advising people about really is good. It's annoying when you talk to people sometimes who think they know exactly how you're feeling and exactly what you should do when really they have no idea as they've never been through anything remotely similar. That's why this site is so good as most of the people giving advice here have also been through a difficult break-up, or worse, so can give good and meaningful opinions.

Right I had better actually get on with some revision otherwise I'll never make it as a Psychologist! Tomorrow is the Psychology in Context exam so there's a lot of Developmental and History in their.. Freud will be mentioned! Speak soon :)

Kat I envy you having Grankids, my eldest Son is Married but they don't plan on having any babies, she's too career minded and has no intentions of birthing out any grankids for me, woe, she's italian too, that's a turn up for the books, an Italian with no desire for babies, Drat, I felt sure Id have a ton of them.

Ive got 2 more Sons though ages 13 and 4 so maybe in the future, just hope Im not too old by then to enjoy them, I quite like the idea of spoiling them rotten LOL...

My joy, my heart and my world is my family. God blessed me beyond anything I could ever imagine. My husband is the best thing that ever happened to me.

My children and grandcchildren... there's nothing I could ever say to thank the Lord enough. There will be grandchildren in your life.. wait and see.. . Hugs... Kit

Katie, remember out of the darkness comes the light.

What's happening with you now will give you much more than heart break, you'll also come out of it with wisdom understanding and the ability to make the right choices for you in the future.

Also hopefully it will also show your ex that he cannot hope to get anywhere in this life if he tries to control another.

We none of us has the right to control another we can only control our own life and how we live it, we are all our own persons, no one owns anyone. Ever...

Katie, remember out of the darkness comes the light.

Whats happening with you now will give you much more than heart break, youll also come out of it with wisdom understanding and the ability to make the right choices for you in the future.

Also hopefully it will also show your ex that he cannot hope to get anywhere in this life if he tries to control another.

We none of us has the right to control another we can only control our own life and how we live it, we are all our own persons, no one owns anyone. Ever...




Being your own person is what is impotant. Nobody can take that away from you!

Katie I hope you're OK, as you haven't been back since about this time yesterday or a tad later, also I have sent you details so you will be able to contact me at virtually anytime, so if you find yourself in an emergency situation use those details and Ill be right there.

I also sent you details for getting yourself a secure encrypted email account.

If you have not received these let me know and Ill resend them, destroy them once you've read them and memorise any specific info.

Don't keep anything connected to this or the info Ive sent to you in any folder in hotmail.

Hotmail accounts are one of the easiest to hack into.

Nearly forgot, we have a lot more in common than the psychology aspect, I too used to be an erotic dancer, on the rave circuit, and before that a belly dancer, Oh boy those were the days, Ive lived my life to the max thus far, and I do practice what I preach. Yes indeedy Ive not missed out on much WooHoo, lifes for living after all. Ive lived.

When I was on the Rave circuit my Son went to many of same raves as myself he used to say to me, don't tell people you're my Mum say you're my sister. LOL. I would often have the M.C. call out for him over the P.A, system, Nathan ***** your Mum wants you, hehe, what a cruel Mum. Hehe and there Id be scantily clad.

Katie I hope youre OK, as you havent been back since about this time yesterday or a tad later, also I have sent you details so you will be able to contact me at virtually anytime, so if you find yourself in an emergency situation use those details and Ill be right there.

I also sent you details for getting yourself a secure encrypted email account.

If you have not received these let me know and Ill resend them, destroy them once youve read them and memorise any specific info.

Dont keep anything connected to this or the info Ive sent to you in any folder in hotmail.

Hotmail accounts are one of the easiest to hack into.

Nearly forgot, we have a lot more in common than the psychology aspect, I too used to be an erotic dancer, on the rave circuit, and before that a belly dancer, Oh boy those were the days, Ive lived my life to the max thus far, and I do practice what I preach. Yes indeedy Ive not missed out on much WooHoo, lifes for living after all. Ive lived.

When I was on the Rave circuit my Son went to many of same raves as myself he used to say to me, dont tell people youre my Mum say youre my sister. LOL. I would often have the M.C. call out for him over the P.A, system, Nathan ***** your Mum wants you, hehe, what a cruel Mum. hehe and there Id be scantily clad.




I hope she comes back and tells us she's safe... Kit

Katie, remember out of the darkness comes the light.

Whats happening with you now will give you much more than heart break, youll also come out of it with wisdom understanding and the ability to make the right choices for you in the future.

Also hopefully it will also show your ex that he cannot hope to get anywhere in this life if he tries to control another.

We none of us has the right to control another we can only control our own life and how we live it, we are all our own persons, no one owns anyone. Ever...

Hi! Yes I am fine thank you! My second exam is over now so I have a weeks' break until next Friday, feeling much happier! Still feeling like I'm getting better and better at coping here on my own and doing things with friends.. I don't need him anymore!

I think what you've said above is so important. Especially about this giving me more understanding and strength in the future, I really think that it will. No matter what happens I know now that I am my own person and that nobody else has the right to tell me what to do, just like you said. I feel that I'm making the right decision within myself for sure so am pleased about that. :)

It's very sweet that you both are worrying about me! It makes me happy to know I still have my two new mums! Hehe.. sorry I haven't been chatting much it's just because the exam was happening so I had to get that out the way and now I can relax for the rest of the day.

And yes belly dancing is so much fun isn't it, I really enjoy it! Very toning as well. I feel sorry for your son.. that must have been so embarrassing for him! Great that you could get away with being called his sister though! I will check my hotmail now and read the email that you've sent me, thanks x

Hi!! Yes I am fine thank you! My second exam is over now so I have a weeks' break until next Friday, feeling much happier! Still feeling like I'm getting better and better at coping here on my own and doing things with friends.. I don't need him anymore!!

I think what you've said above is so important. Especially about this giving me more understanding and strength in the future, I really think that it will. No matter what happens I know now that I am my own person and that nobody else has the right to tell me what to do, just like you said. I feel that I'm making the right decision within myself for sure so am pleased about that. :)

It's very sweet that you both are worrying about me! It makes me happy to know I still have my two new mums! Hehe.. sorry I haven't been chatting much it's just because the exam was happening so I had to get that out the way and now I can relax for the rest of the day.

And yes belly dancing is so much fun isn't it, I really enjoy it! Very toning as well. I feel sorry for your son.. that must have been so embarrassing for him! Great that you could get away with being called his sister though! I will check my hotmail now and read the email that you've sent me, thanks x

Good for you... Have a great week end... Kit

To my mind any dancing is great I love it and always have always will, I play music mostly all the time I never watch t.v. never will.

My little 4 yr old is going to follow in my footsteps I think he seems to love to dance too, he looks so cute when he shakes his bottom LOL.

Which he does to the girlies he has over to play.

I used to incorporate my Dance with my workout, its also great therapy too, you can't dance and be unhappy.

My grown up Son forgave me, and many of his friends told him they wished they had a Mum like me, mind you I had him when I was just about 16 so we sort of grew up together.

Now though the other 2 are helping to keep me youngish.

Aw your little boy sounds so cute! I love it when children get into dancing.. maybe he will become a break dancer or street dancer! Or a belly dancer judging by the bottom-wiggle! Hehe :P

I am off out for the evening to a friend's place to watch a movie and eat some food so will chat when I come back. Hope you both have fun, speak later x

Aw your little boy sounds so cute! I love it when children get into dancing.. maybe he will become a break dancer or street dancer! Or a belly dancer judging by the bottom-wiggle! Hehe :P

I am off out for the evening to a friend's place to watch a movie and eat some food so will chat when I come back. Hope you both have fun, speak later x



Kids are a blessing and hope you all have a great time... Kit

Ok Katie where are you, no reply to my email no acknowledging of files, not a word all day, Where is she? Katie if you see this sign in Please.

Ok Katie where are you, no reply to my email no acknowledging of files, not a word all day, Where is she?? Katie if you see this sign in Please.




Keep trying... Katie please post!

She might be enjoying herself for a change. Patience.

She might be enjoying herself for a change. Patience.

Gosh Tal I hope so.. I have been having this uneasy feeling about her all day... You're right... maybe she's having a good time with her friends.

Hi! I am fine thanks! Sorry I didn't post, it's just because I have been feeling reasonably happy today so thought I'd only post when something new happened or when things got bad. Sorry, didn't mean to worry you! Honestly, if anything ever bad happens I will definitely post here straight away, you are the first friends I will tell.

How is everybody? Talaniman's comment made me laugh. I haven't been out with friends today, well actually I did meet one girl for a quick coffee but apart from that it's been mainly a day of revision and thinking deeply. I've been thinking lots too about how exciting it is to be independent and make my own choices for a change. Like on Friday night I'm going out clubbing for the first time with some friends (my boyfriend would never let me go), so I'm looking forward to that. Certainly not planning on meeting any guys though - I'm just going to go for the dancing!

I am going to bed now! Positiveparent I've begun reading the files you've sent me and they're really really interesting. Thanks for that. Good night everybody!

I am going to bed now! Positiveparent I've begun reading the files you've sent me and they're really really interesting. Thanks for that. Good night everybody!

Glad you are okay!

Thanks for letting us know, and that's a good point about you only posting if you feel the need, you're moving on.

Ill check this thread on a daily basis, but I will know not to get all mother hen if you don't post.

Yes I know what you mean when you say you are going clubbing for the dancing, that's what I always did/do, what other reason is there for clubbing, you can't hear yourself think let alone anything else, so dancing is it.

Good for you. I hope you have a brill time. Im sure you will.

Pleased to hear you're reading the files and I hope the contents will reinforce your decision even more than it already is. Keep them close by until this is all over and done with.

They may also help at some later time for you to apply if you go into counselling.

Have a Great Life Katie.

Have to spread the rep, but Kat I think its safe to say our girl is moving on and going it alone which is great.

She done so well too.

Have to spread the rep, but Kat I think its safe to say our girl is moving on and going it alone which is great.

She done so well too.




Keep us posted . We love you Katie.. you are our "adopted daughter".:)

Thank you guys! I am so grateful for everything. Just warning you though - next week might be a bit of a traumatic weeks (I have to meet him next Monday or Tuesday to give back stuff and tell him it's definitely over) so that's when I'll probably be on here posting a lot, if that's okay. For the time being I'm trying just to get on with things like you both have suggested... I do think about him ALL THE TIME and miss him like crazy - but I'm getting good at changing these thoughts into positive thoughts, such as feeling happy that he isn't controlling me right now and feeling good that I'm not feeling upset and rejected. The files are helping too, so fair I've read the "control freak" one and think it's really interesting. I'll keep you updated daily.. and please let me know how you are too! Lots of love :) x

We will and you know we're here for you. Hugs... Kit

I have sent the file this extract is from to Katie, however I am also posting it here because it may help others who find themselves in a similar situation at some time.

Its from the file named "the loser"

Ending the Relationship
Remembering that "The Loser" doesn't accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions - ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment.
- Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can't feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they've probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of "I'm not right for anyone at this point in my life." If "The Loser" can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster.
- If "The Loser" panics, you'll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner - a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you've lost control again.
- Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don't agree to the many negotiations that will be offered - dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as "The Loser" has contact with you they feel there is a chance to manipulate you.
- "The Loser" will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship.
- Don't try to make them understand how you feel - it won't happen. "The Loser" only is concerned with how they feel - your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you.
- Don't fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how "The Loser" is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over.
- Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if "The Loser" finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort.
- Don't use terms like "someday", "maybe", or "in the future". When "The Loser" hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure.
- Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position - always say the same thing. "The Loser" will stop playing a machine that doesn't pay off and quickly move to another.


Follow-up Protection
"The Loser" never sees their responsibility or involvement in the difficulties in the relationship. From a psychological standpoint, "The Loser" has lived and behaved in this manner most of their life, clearly all of their adult life. As they really don't see themselves at fault or as an individual with a problem, "The Loser" tends to think that the girlfriend or boyfriend is simply going through a phase - their partner (victim) might be temporarily mixed up or confused, they might be listening to the wrong people, or they might be angry about something and will get over it soon. "The Loser" rarely detaches completely and will often try to continue contact with the partner even after the relationship is terminated.

During the Follow-up Protection period, some guidelines are:


- Never change your original position. It's over permanently! Don't talk about possible changes in your position in the future. You might think that will calm "The Loser" but it only tells them that the possibilities still exist and only a little more pressure is needed to return to the relationship.
- Don't agree to meetings or reunions to discuss old times. For "The Loser", discussing old times is actually a way to upset you, put you off guard, and use the guilt to hook you again.
- Don't offer details about your new life or relationships. Assure him that both his life and your life are now private and that you hope they are happy.
- If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else. If you listen to those phone calls, as though taping them, you'll find "The Loser" spends most of the call trying to make you feel guilty.
- In any contact with the ex "Loser", provide only a status report, much like you'd provide to your Aunt Gladys. For example: "I'm still working hard and not getting any better at tennis. That's about it."
- When "The Loser" tells you how difficult the breakup has been, share with him some general thoughts about breaking-up and how finding the right person is difficult. While "The Loser" wants to focus on your relationship, talk in terms of Ann Landers - "Well, breaking up is hard on anyone. Dating is tough in these times. I'm sure we'll eventually find someone that's right for both of us." Remember - nothing personal!
- Keep all contact short and sweet - the shorter the better. As far as "The Loser" is concerned, you're always on your way somewhere, there's something in the microwave, or your mother is walking up the steps to your home. Wish "The Loser" well but always with the same tone of voice that you might offer to someone you have just talked to at the grocery store. For phone conversations, electronic companies make a handy gadget that produces about twenty sounds - a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. That little device is handy to use on the phone - the microwave dinner just came out or someone is at the door. Do whatever you have to do to keep the conversation short - and not personal.


Summary
In all of our relationships throughout life, we will meet a variety of individuals with many different personalities. Some are a joy to have in our life and some provide us with life-long love and security. Others we meet pose some risk to us and our future due to their personality and attitudes. Both in medicine and mental health - the key to health is the early identification and treatment of problems - before they reach the point that they are beyond treatment. In years of psychotherapy and counseling practice, treating the victims of "The Loser", patterns of attitude and behavior emerge in "The Loser" that can now be listed and identified in the hopes of providing early identification and warning. When those signs and indicators surface and the pattern is identified, we must move quickly to get away from the situation. Continuing a relationship with "The Loser" will result in a relationship that involves intimidation, fear, angry outbursts, paranoid control, and a total loss of your self-esteem and self-confidence.


If you have been involved in a long-term relationship with "The Loser", after you successfully escape you may notice that you have sustained some psychological damage that will require professional repair. In many cases, the stress has been so severe that you may have a stress-produced depression. You may have severe damage to your self-confidence/self-esteem or to your feelings about the opposite sex or relationships. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and counselors are available in your community to assist and guide you as you recover from your damaging relationship with "The Loser".


Credit: This handout was written by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., a Clinical Psychologist. It is provided as a public service and can be reproduced as needed. Dr. Carver is in private practice in Southern Ohio and is affiliated with three regional hospitals.
Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist
Website: Joseph M Carver, Ph.D. - Clinical Psychologist (http://www.drjoecarver.com)

That's exactly what I was going to say... :D:rolleyes::cool:

What a brilliant article! This is very interesting. Thanks for sharing, I will read some more of the other ones you've sent me tomorrow!

Off to bed now, have had some girly friends round for the eve and have really enjoyed myself. Still obviously worried about meeting him next week but am feeling stronger about my decision every day. Hope you're both well,

Goodnight!

Katie you have the full article that my post is based on its called The Loser, or perhaps I didn't send that one to you, ill go check but I think I did, if I haven't Ill send it to you.

Knowing you're intending to meet with him soon is why I sent those articles to you, in order to help you form a strategy to get out of being lulled into re-starting any relationship with him.

The Loser and Control Freak articles give guidelines for how to end a relationship with someone who is trying to control you, another of the articles I sent you that is very helpful or could be is the one " how to end a violent relationship"

Anyway pleased you're still feeling goood and positive about yourself...

Katie you have the full article that my post is based on its called The Loser, or perhaps I didnt send that one to you, ill go check but I think I did, if I havent Ill send it to you.

Knowing youre intending to meet with him soon is why I sent those articles to you, in order to help you form a strategy to get out of being lulled into re-starting any relationship with him.

The Loser and Control Freak articles give guidelines for how to end a relationship with someone who is trying to control you, another of the articles I sent you that is very helpful or could be is the one " how to end a violent relationship"

anyway pleased youre still feeling goood and positive about yourself...

Have fun... :)

Thank you positiveparent, yes you have sent that one to me along with the others but due to my hectic revision schedule I have only read the one titled "The Control Freak" for now, and am planning to read the others over the weekend following on from my exam. I am sure they will help me deal with what's coming on Monday or Tuesday of next week.

I hope both of you enjoy your day

Thank you positiveparent, yes you have sent that one to me along with the others but due to my hectic revision schedule I have only read the one titled "The Control Freak" for now, and am planning to read the others over the weekend following on from my exam. I am sure they will help me deal with what's coming on Monday or Tuesday of next week.

I hope both of you enjoy your day



You can do it... Enjoy the articles and let us know if how it goes next week... Kit:)

Hi, hope you're both well and have had a good day.

So today I had a bit of a shock, I went on his Facebook and saw that this girl who fancied him throughout our relationship had written a reply (to a message he'd obviously written her) on his wall. It was along the lines of "sorry it's taken so long to get back to you.. i've been doing this and that.. how are you.. what have you been doing.." dar de dar de dar... nothing flirtatious but he KNOWS I have never liked her (because of the crush she's always had on him and the way she has always tried to be close to him), and I'm pretty sure that he wrote to her knowing she'd reply, knowing that I'd see and knowing that it would get to me. My first reaction was to grab my phone and call him and ask him what the heck he was playing at. But don't worry, I didn't do that (luckily), I decided to leave it, because at the end of the day all he wants is to get a reaction from me. He did it to get my attention, make me feel jealous and then call him or whatever. So ignoring it is the right thing, yes? I suppose at the end of the day it's not really my business what he does.. I mean I am sort of in the process of "dumping" him after all so I have no right to get angry and tell him what to do.. it's rather annoying all the same. I'm just glad it wasn't one of the other girls who's had crushes on him and who have behaved far worse.. cor that's just another story but if it had been one of the others I would be going crazy right now! Grrr!

Sorry I think I just needed a bit of a rant about it! But don't worry I'm keeping quiet and not going to do anything about it. My plan from now on by the way is to get my exam out the way on Friday, go out on Friday night for a fantastic evening with my friends (my first ever time clubbing!), and then text him on Saturday to arrange to meet on Monday or Tuesday of next week. To meet to explain to him that it's over, obviously. I am not planning on talking to him on the phone before then or having any sort of detailed conversation. It will just be a basic text to ask him if he wants to meet up. Also I'm planning to meet him somewhere mutual, like at a park or outside somewhere quiet, not at either of our houses (as too many memories of the past at his/my house... and I don't want to have the memory of breaking up with him in my home). So yes that is my plan. I'm considering taking someone with me, but am feeling quite strong in my decision and becoming more confident that I could deal with this myself. What do you think?

Thank you x

I think you're getting it right on the nail, and do as you've stated above and you're home dry.

Now then Katie LOL what's this about other girls, you know how to treat them walk pass them with your nose so far up in the air that you'll resemble concorde on a good hair day LOL

Or just walk past them and turn your nose up as if you had just stepped in dogs pooh, ewwwe

Muttering something like Oh my this towns full of second hand rose type these days its really such a sad sight to see. Hehehe.

If you really want to be mean say oh Im so pleased I decided to remain unique, Im such a wonderful female after all.

Or tell them hey Im giving a seminar in how to get them first next week shame you can't attend seeing as you're all lapping up my left overs , Oh Im bad...

Haha! Yes you certainly know how to deal with them lol! Thing is these girls are people at his University that I've never met and never will meet, and one of them's in Egypt (again I'll never meet her) so not much I can do about it! But as I said, really deep down I shouldn't care as it's not my business. I love him to death though and the thought of another girl getting his hands on him makes me so angry and upset! It's like, I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him either lol! That is bad but it's how I feel. I have got to try to be mature about it and accept that one day that will happen, but right now it's a bit too painful to handle. To be honest I doubt he would go off with anyone anyway (unless it was to try and annoy me), but the worry is still there (especially as he's going to Egypt soon and there's a chance he could see that girl and she could offer to "comfort him" etc etc.) Gah!

He's probably worry about the same thing with me though, and I know in myself I don't want anyone else anytime soon.

How long was it for you between when you broke up with the man who hurt you and you meeting somebody new?

I did mention to you one time about when or if you should see him with someone else.

I know how that feels its gut wrenching and you're not sure whether to laugh cry kill him, kill them both or kill yourself, but of course you aren't going to do any of the above because you're above and beyond that and besides he's not worth doing a life sentence for, strooth no way... he was good but not that good!!

How long between the god and godzillo! A few years, but with the god it was love at first sight, we met, fell in love and 6 weeks later we were married, talk about a whirlwind, but we just knew, I think we spent the first year in bed literally, well its called getting to grips with life and sniffing out any hostile points, Pleased to report, all present and correct, and totally awesome top to toe, Im thorough like that hehe.
Phwoarrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Seriously it was about 6-8 years give or take a year either side,

I had a few practice runs in between but nothing I wanted to keep for ever, couldn't go rusty though, no, sooooo...

I will also say I never ever allowed that one bad relationship to have any input or bearing on those that came after, Ive always judged my relationships on there merits, I didn't allow that one unfortunate encounter to sour any others, I have also released all of that baggage, and as I did I looked for the good from that relationship, which was of course it led me to where I am today, and if I had not known godzillo, I wouldn't have found my god, so a positive can always be found in every life lesson.

If you get one positive from any relationship to take into the future with you, then it hasn't been a waste, there's always good in there somewhere, and you'll find it will take you to a new reality a better brighter one... So...

If you mean how long before I was back on the tour, well not all that long about 3-6 months, quite fickle really LOL. But when its done its done. So get over it and go have some fun, I did too...

A little affirmations poem for you Katie. Read it out loud when you feel you need a boost of positive energy.

You are strong
When you take your grief and teach it to smile.
You are brave
When you overcome your fear and help others to do the same.
You are happy
When you see a flower and give it your blessing.
You are loving
When your own pain does not blind you to the pain of others.
You are wise
When you know the limits of your wisdom.
You are true
When you admit there are times you fool yourself.
You are alive
When tomorrow's hope means more to you than yesterday's mistake.
You are growing
When you know what you are but not what you will become.
You are free
When you are in control of yourself and do not wish to control others.
You are honorable
When you find your honor is to honor others.
You are generous
When you can take as sweetly as you can give.
You are humble
When you do not know how humble you are.
You are thoughtful
When you see me just as I am and treat me just as you are.
You are merciful
When you forgive in others the faults you condemn in yourself.
You are beautiful
When you don't need a mirror to tell you.
You are rich
When you never need more than what you have.
You are you
When you are at peace with who you are not

Written by unknown

A little affirmations poem for you Katie. read it out loud when you feel you need a boost of positive energy.

You are strong
when you take your grief and teach it to smile.
You are brave
when you overcome your fear and help others to do the same.
You are happy
when you see a flower and give it your blessing.
You are loving
when your own pain does not blind you to the pain of others.
You are wise
when you know the limits of your wisdom.
You are true
when you admit there are times you fool yourself.
You are alive
when tomorrow's hope means more to you than yesterday's mistake.
You are growing
when you know what you are but not what you will become.
You are free
when you are in control of yourself and do not wish to control others.
You are honorable
when you find your honor is to honor others.
You are generous
when you can take as sweetly as you can give.
You are humble
when you do not know how humble you are.
You are thoughtful
when you see me just as I am and treat me just as you are.
You are merciful
when you forgive in others the faults you condemn in yourself.
You are beautiful
when you don't need a mirror to tell you.
You are rich
when you never need more than what you have.
You are you
when you are at peace with who you are not

Written by unknown

Just keep on doing what your doing and when you are completely free of
Him, not only will you feel stronger, you'll be stronger. You're over the worst part. Read the list of things positive has given you and when you do see him it will help you. Hugs... Kit:)

Thanks so much to both of you, really strong and wise words, you're helping me so much. I am absolutely exhausted as it's 1am here but I will reply properly and in full tomorrow or the next day after my exam. I have been revising like crazy so unfortunately don't have enough time to do a proper reply right now! Just wanted to tell you I've read what you said and agree and have taken everything on board :)

Thank you and good night xx

Thanks so much to both of you, really strong and wise words, you're helping me so much. I am absolutely exhausted as it's 1am here but I will reply properly and in full tomorrow or the next day after my exam. I have been revising like crazy so unfortunately don't have enough time to do a proper reply right now! Just wanted to tell you I've read what you said and agree and have taken everything on board :)

Thank you and good night xx

Remain strong and you'll make it.

Hello,

I have just read that poem again and it's wonderful. It would be amazing to eventually achieve all those things, and it's a very positive and inspiring poem. Thank you! Your relationship positiveparent sounds wonderful too.. it just shows that sometimes people have to go through a few bad times (or a few godzillas!) to find the one who is truly right for them. I am hoping very much that one day this will happen to me as it has happened to you. I am very pleased for you :)

Well with regards to "going back on the tour"... I'm not quite sure how I feel about that idea yet.. after all I've only really ever had this one long-term thing so, like somebody said, I'll take some time out to be single and enjoy myself and get to know myself better first before I rush into anything else! But who knows, if a really nice guy comes along then I might not have much choice in the matter! At this moment in time though I don't particularly want the stress of another relationship. Need to focus on ending the current one first!

I'm in the library at the moment but so bored... I should really be revising intensely but I can't stop thinking about tomorrow night and how much fun it's going to be to go out and party! I have my outfit all planned out, and my friends have persuaded me to go all out and not wear tights (I was worried I'd look tarty but they said who cares - it's all about having fun!) so I'm going to just dress up really well and try to enjoy myself with my friends. Can't wait!

Looking forward to speaking later once this blasted exam is out of the way. I wish I was young again and didn't have to worry about all these sorts of things lol!

Have a good day xx

Hello,

I have just read that poem again and it's wonderful. It would be amazing to eventually achieve all those things, and it's a very positive and inspiring poem. Thank you! Your relationship positiveparent sounds wonderful too.. it just shows that sometimes people have to go through a few bad times (or a few godzillas!) to find the one who is truly right for them. I am hoping very much that one day this will happen to me as it has happened to you. I am very pleased for you :)

Well with regards to "going back on the tour"... I'm not quite sure how I feel about that idea yet.. after all I've only really ever had this one long-term thing so, like somebody said, I'll take some time out to be single and enjoy myself and get to know myself better first before I rush into anything else! But who knows, if a really nice guy comes along then I might not have much choice in the matter! At this moment in time though I don't particularly want the stress of another relationship. Need to focus on ending the current one first!

I'm in the library at the moment but so bored... I should really be revising intensely but I can't stop thinking about tomorrow night and how much fun it's going to be to go out and party! I have my outfit all planned out, and my friends have persuaded me to go all out and not wear tights (I was worried I'd look tarty but they said who cares - it's all about having fun!) so I'm going to just dress up really well and try to enjoy myself with my friends. Can't wait!

Looking forward to speaking later once this blasted exam is out of the way. I wish I was young again and didn't have to worry about all these sorts of things lol!

Have a good day xx

Be safe and remember... take care next week... :)

Hi Kat and Katie
Pleased you liked the poem, I too read it often if I feel I need some re-affirming.

Back on the tour meant I was again young free and single.

Yes I too was in no hurry to get back into the dating scene and took most of the time between relationships working on myself, and of course living my life having a good time going out clubbing, dancing and just doing my own thing and I enjoyed every minute of it, actually for the longest time I was just not interested in relationships of the romantic type, far from it.

I knew that if and when I did take that leap of faith again, I wanted to ensure I would be the best me I could be for myself and for any future love interest, so when I did get into the love and romance scene again I knew I was mature enough and sensible enough to ensure that the aspects of my personality that may have been partly involved in my approach in the past wouldn't be there in the future, I accepted whilst I may have been in an abusive relationship, that was no reason for me to not take responsibillty for the choices I made in that time frame that possibly led me to that place to begin with, I wasn't excusing the ex, I was though making sure, I wouldn't attract the self same type to myself ever again.

I felt that this is often the case, and I was certain I wouldn't be making the same mistake twice and to ensure this I needed to work on myself.

I accept that we can and often do get involved with the wrong type for us, if we work on ourselves then the chances of this happening a 2nd time are diminished or lessened at the least.

I think that when we have ended any abusive relationship then we need time to heal, time to reflect and time to work on ourselves in order to ensure we don't go into a relationship blindly. So many women attract the same type of abusive partner again and again, if they had learned how to believe in themselves and whatever else they could have avoided making the same errors in judgement, although I can of course only speak from my own experience in this area, maybe its not always like this, but I felt and do feel that in order to improve ones chances of finding or attracting a partner who will have the same wants and needs and overall outlook that compliments our own then we would do well to do what we can to make this possible or more likely then.

Lets face it no one wants to keep on attracting loser types.

I am not going to tell you that the immediate future is going to be a walk in the park, its not some days you'll laugh, others you'll cry, you'll see reminders of what was all over the place, you'll hear a song on the radio and it'll take you back to a happy time you shared with the ex, Don't switch it off, listen to it go through the emotions it invokes in you, they may hurt,but if you can make yourself go through them at that time, guess what, next time you hear that song, you'll sing along with it.

You may have days of deep despair and loneliness, at those times you will have to do all you can to make yourself smile, but do make yourself smile even through the tears and the sadness, because the mind can only hold one thought at a time, so do all you can to make that a happy thought and you'll find it lifts your mood almost instantly.

There's much more I can hopefully tell you to help you get through this, for now though this is more than enough, don't want you having an info overload and blowing it do we. LOL

Baby steps is needed, walk then you can run, it may seem like a month from now is an eternity away, but its not. You'll heal and recover one day at a time there's no rush, the more slowly you take it all in the more lasting the maturing, if you try to do it all too fast you could miss out on a vital part of the lessons you're learning, so always take your time we all recover at varying speeds.

Anyway hope this helps.

Yes yes do go naked legged, get some fake tan and put that on them, but do that say today for best results, put one coat on let it dry leave till tomorrow or day before, then have shower or bath a good 2-3 hours before going out, and apply a 2nd coat of fake tan, always put on a moisturiser then fake tan, about an hour before you go out get a clean dry soft cloth and gently go over your legs with it lightly all a over, not too hard though, you only want to remove the excess lotion, and that should have your legs looking great and streak free. Always wear latex or rubber gloves when putting it on you don't want orange palms LOL, rub it in thoroughly, and wipe of any excess with clean cloth.

I almost always go bare legged, or Ill wear hold ups. I like the look of Christina in the video Dirrty, washed up of course but those micro mini skirts look great, wear a short skirt with a loose fitting top, have tissue or a hanky to wipe your face with when it gets all hot and sweaty.

Wear minimum amount of clothing but enough to be decent, or just then. Take few accessories, clutch bag is good lippy, and eyeliner. If you're wearing stilettos make sure you can walk in them they can get harder as the hours go by. LOL

Remember its hot in those clubs. Make sure you've got ID because many now ask for it. Never ever let your drink out of your sight, EVER, you could end up with it spiked and you Don't want that, if you want to go loo, ask your friend to hold it don't ever leave it unnattended on the bar.

Arrange your ride home in advance to ensure you have one. Don't wait until last minute to try booking a taxi they don't like picking up late at night unless booked in advance.

OK go enjoy and be good if you can't be good be careful.

Sock it to them big style WooHoo...

Just thought of something else you might find useful for going out clubbing, Keys, If you're driving that's one thing, but if not to ensure you don't lose your house or flat key take it off make sure its got one of those ring things on it, then go find a safety pin, and when you're getting ready to go out, pin the key on the ring to the inside of your shorts, skirt, dress, or an under garment, this way chances of you losing it are diminished, plus if say you should lose it, all your other keys will be safely left at home, I would get a spare key cut just for these occasions.

You want to be travelling light for going clubbing.

Hi Kat and Katie
Pleased you liked the poem, I too read it often if I feel I need some re-affirming.

Back on the tour meant I was again young free and single.

Yes I too was in no hurry to get back into the dating scene and took most of the time inbetween relationships working on my self, and of course living my life having a good time going out clubbing, dancing and just doing my own thing and I enjoyed every minute of it, actually for the longest time I was just not interested in relationships of the romantic type, far from it.

I knew that if and when I did take that leap of faith again, I wanted to ensure I would be the best me I could be for myself and for any future love interest, so when I did get into the love and romance scene again I knew I was mature enough and sensible enough to ensure that the aspects of my personality that may have been partly involved in my approach in the past wouldnt be there in the future, I accepted whilst I may have been in an abusive relationship, that was no reason for me to not take responsibillty for the choices I made in that time frame that possibly led me to that place to begin with, I wasnt excusing the ex, I was though making sure, I wouldnt attract the self same type to myself ever agian.

I felt that this is often the case, and I was certain I wouldnt be making the same mistake twice and to ensure this I needed to work on myself.

I accept that we can and often do get involved with the wrong type for us, if we work on our selves then the chances of this happening a 2nd time are diminished or lessened at the least.

I think that when we have ended any abusive relationship then we need time to heal, time to reflect and time to work on ourselves in order to ensure we dont go into a relationship blindly. So many women attract the same type of abusive partner again and again, if they had learned how to believe in themselves and whatever else they could have avoided making the same errors in judgement, although I can of course only speak from my own experience in this area, maybe its not always like this, but I felt and do feel that in order to improve ones chances of finding or attracting a partner who will have the same wants and needs and overall outlook that compliments our own then we would do well to do what we can to make this possible or more likely then.

Lets face it no one wants to keep on attracting loser types.

I am not going to tell you that the immediate future is going to be a walk in the park, its not some days youll laugh, others youll cry, youll see reminders of what was all over the place, youll hear a song on the radio and itll take you back to a happy time you shared with the ex, Dont switch it off, listen to it go through the emotions it invokes in you, they may hurt,but if you can make yourself go through them at that time, guess what, next time you hear that song, youll sing along with it.

You may have days of deep despair and loneliness, at those times you will have to do all you can to make yourself smile, but do make yourself smile even through the tears and the sadness, because the mind can only hold one thought at a time, so do all you can to make that a happy thought and youll find it lifts your mood almost instantly.

Theres much more I can hopefully tell you to help you get through this, for now though this is more than enough, dont want you having an info overload and blowing it do we. LOL

Baby steps is needed, walk then you can run, it may seem like a month from now is an eternity away, but its not. Youll heal and recover one day at a time theres no rush, the more slowly you take it all in the more lasting the maturing, if you try to do it all too fast you could miss out on a vital part of the lessons youre learning, so always take your time we all recover at varying speeds.

Anyway hope this helps.

Yes yes do go naked legged, get some fake tan and put that on them, but do that say today for best results, put one coat on let it dry leave till tomorrow or day before, then have shower or bath a good 2-3 hours before going out, and apply a 2nd coat of fake tan, always put on a moisturiser then fake tan, about an hour before you go out get a clean dry soft cloth and gently go over your legs with it lightly all a over, not too hard though, you only want to remove the excess lotion, and that should have your legs looking great and streak free. Always wear latex or rubber gloves when putting it on you dont want orange palms LOL, rub it in thoroughly, and wipe of any excess with clean cloth.

I almost always go bare legged, or Ill wear hold ups. I like the look of Christina in the video Dirrty, washed up of course but those micro mini skirts look great, wear a short skirt with a loose fitting top, have tissue or a hanky to wipe your face with when it gets all hot n sweaty.

Wear minimum amount of clothing but enough to be decent, or just then. Take few accessories, clutch bag is good lippy, and eyeliner. If youre wearing stilettos make sure you can walk in them they can get harder as the hours go by. LOL

Remember its hot in those clubs. Make sure youve got ID cos many now ask for it. Never ever let your drink out of your sight, EVER, you could end up with it spiked and you DONT want that, if you want to go loo, ask your friend to hold it dont ever leave it unnattended on the bar.

Arrange your ride home in advance to ensure you have one. dont wait until last minute to try booking a taxi they dont like picking up late at night unless booked in advance.

OK go enjoy and be good if you can't be good be careful.

Sock it to them big style WooHoo...

Great advice. Be safe:)

Hi, just popped on here very briefly before I pop out shopping... positiveparent what's wrong? Are you okay? I hope nothing has happened that has made you want to stop talking on this site :S Apologies in advance if it's anything to do with me.

Thank you I will contact you in other ways if I need to, but I hope you are okay? You have been such a wonderful help and very strengthening to me (and I'm sure to others on here too) so I want to thank you for that! I hope to talk to you soon. I will email you later if that is okay.

Best wishes and thanks again

And thanks to you Kit also, you've also helped me more than you'll ever know. X

Back to OP's question? I think - and have found - it's a mistake to replace one relationship with another. Until and unless you are willing to move on you do disservice to yourself as well as anyone you meet.

I think OP has to come to grips with where she is, what she wants, and then go to clubs or do whatever - if she is going to entertain herself, fine. If she is going to attract men, I think it's a mistake.

That's horrible! I'm really sorry that things ended up that way. But have you ever thouht maybe it's for the best and it wasn't meant to be I know you've given it tons of thought. I'm no expert but I try to help as much as I can.

Hi Katie I have found out some more affirmations you can use before going to meet with the ex.

I am.
I am a good person.
I am loved.
I am love.
I am worthy of prosperity.
I am worthy of abundance.
I am worthy of joy.
I am worthy of happiness.
I am perfect health.
I am perfect order.
I am always successful.
I am mentally clear.
I am responsible for my life.
I am responsible for my life only.
I am free to choose the direction of my life.
I am choosing the direction of my life.
I am in control of my life.
I am in control of my life only.
I am blessing everyone and everything in my life.
I am safe and secure.
I am completely safe and secure.
I am forgiven.
I am forgiving all others.
I am at peace with myself.
I am at peace with the world.
I am open to all knowledge.
I am letting the knowledge reveal truth.
I am open to all truth.
I am open only to truth.
I am living in truth.
I am truth.
I am in my perfect career now.
I am being myself.
I am open to my perfect loving partner now.
I am open to let my life's purpose reveal itself to me now.
I am ready to receive my good.
I am courage.
I am whole.
I am eternal.
I am living in eternity now.
I am living in the present now.
I am loving myself.
I am loving all others.
I am providing good in this world.
I am allowing good into all phases of my life.

Hi Katie I have found out some more affirmations you can use before going to meet with the ex.

I am.
I am a good person.
I am loved.
I am love.
I am worthy of prosperity.
I am worthy of abundance.
I am worthy of joy.
I am worthy of happiness.
I am perfect health.
I am perfect order.
I am always successful.
I am mentally clear.
I am responsible for my life.
I am responsible for my life only.
I am free to choose the direction of my life.
I am choosing the direction of my life.
I am in control of my life.
I am in control of my life only.
I am blessing everyone and everything in my life.
I am safe and secure.
I am completely safe and secure.
I am forgiven.
I am forgiving all others.
I am at peace with myself.
I am at peace with the world.
I am open to all knowledge.
I am letting the knowledge reveal truth.
I am open to all truth.
I am open only to truth.
I am living in truth.
I am truth.
I am in my perfect career now.
I am being myself.
I am open to my perfect loving partner now.
I am open to let my life's purpose reveal itself to me now.
I am ready to receive my good.
I am courage.
I am whole.
I am eternal.
I am living in eternity now.
I am living in the present now.
I am loving myself.
I am loving all others.
I am providing good in this world.
I am allowing good into all phases of my life.

Good list... Kit:)

Hi Katie I have found out some more affirmations you can use before going to meet with the ex.

I am.
I am a good person.
I am loved.
I am love.
I am worthy of prosperity.
I am worthy of abundance.
I am worthy of joy.
I am worthy of happiness.
I am perfect health.
I am perfect order.
I am always successful.
I am mentally clear.
I am responsible for my life.
I am responsible for my life only.
I am free to choose the direction of my life.
I am choosing the direction of my life.
I am in control of my life.
I am in control of my life only.
I am blessing everyone and everything in my life.
I am safe and secure.
I am completely safe and secure.
I am forgiven.
I am forgiving all others.
I am at peace with myself.
I am at peace with the world.
I am open to all knowledge.
I am letting the knowledge reveal truth.
I am open to all truth.
I am open only to truth.
I am living in truth.
I am truth.
I am in my perfect career now.
I am being myself.
I am open to my perfect loving partner now.
I am open to let my life's purpose reveal itself to me now.
I am ready to receive my good.
I am courage.
I am whole.
I am eternal.
I am living in eternity now.
I am living in the present now.
I am loving myself.
I am loving all others.
I am providing good in this world.
I am allowing good into all phases of my life.

Thanks, this list is really good and really helpful. I had a great night out clubbing last night by the way, really enjoyed spending time with my friends and dancing. Got a bit of male attention but just ignored them as I'm really not interested in that right now. I texted my boyfriend today and basically asked him if he was free to meet up on Tuesday. He hasn't replied. I'm expecting that he hasn't replied because either a) He doesn't want to appear too desperate and reply straight away, he wants to keep me hanging for a couple of days so he can regain some control and then suggest a different time (i.e. Monday would suit me better) etc... or b) because he's still asleep. I think it's a), personally. He is very much someone who likes being in control (as I'm sure you've all realised!) and so will probably meet me, but on his terms, when he says it, and after a 2 day delay after keeping me waiting, if you get me. Anyway we shall see. I will let you know what happens. I am very nervous though, but the info that I've been given on here should help immensely. Even though I feel like a small part of me is missing (him), I feel like an even bigger part of me has come back (the self that I lost when I was with him).

Thanks again, will let you know. Hope everybody is well. Xx

Thanks, this list is really good and really helpful. I had a great night out clubbing last night by the way, really enjoyed spending time with my friends and dancing. Got a bit of male attention but just ignored them as I'm really not interested in that right now. I texted my boyfriend today and basically asked him if he was free to meet up on Tuesday. He hasn't replied. I'm expecting that he hasn't replied because either a) He doesn't want to appear too desperate and reply straight away, he wants to keep me hanging for a couple of days so he can regain some control and then suggest a different time (i.e. Monday would suit me better) etc... or b) because he's still asleep. I think it's a), personally. He is very much someone who likes being in control (as I'm sure you've all realised!) and so will probably meet me, but on his terms, when he says it, and after a 2 day delay after keeping me waiting, if you get me. Anyway we shall see. I will let you know what happens. I am very nervous though, but the info that I've been given on here should help immensely. Even though I feel like a small part of me is missing (him), I feel like an even bigger part of me has come back (the self that I lost when I was with him).

Thanks again, will let you know. Hope everybody is well. xx

Good Luck... let us know how it goes!

Hi Katie, just to say Im pleased you had a night out last night.

As we've already gone over in earlier posts you don't have to go out looking for males, this time is your time, for you and only you, so do your own thing for you and only you.

Ill look for you tomorrow on ebuddy, was it, LOL anyway that chat site.

Ill be on after 6pm its Fathers Day so going up my Dads.

Hi Kit hope you're having a good day, with grankids?? Till ater

Hi Katie, just to say Im pleased you had a night out last night.

As weve already gone over in earlier posts you dont have to go out looking for males, this time is your time, for you and only you, so do your own thing for you and only you.

Ill look for you tomorrow on ebuddy, was it, LOL anyway that chat site.

Ill be on after 6pm its Fathers Day so going up my Dads.

Hi Kit hope youre having a good day, with grankids ??? till ater



Katie.. Parent is right.. I know you're too smart to jump back into a relationship right away. Be careful... have a good day... :)

Hi everybody! Glad you're okay! Happy Father's Day everyone, enjoy time with your Dads. Yes you're both right, now it's "me" time, not "guy" time! I'm actually quite excited underneath it all!

He replied to my text by the way and simply said that yes he would meet me on Tuesday. I am pleased as now I can plan what to do and say etc.

PositiveParent, I would LOVE to chat to you on e-buddy, only my sister is staying with me here at University for the weekend and we have planned to go out this evening so I can show her the sights. I am sure there will be another day shortly when we can have a good chat! I hope you enjoy time at your Dad's and that you Kit also have fun.

Went out again last night to a nice Bar for some pool and some chats with nice people. Am enjoying myself at the moment. Thanks again for all your support x

Of course that's fine you've got your own life to live, so anytime is fine by me.

Great to know you're going out and socialising. Till later...

Of course thats fine youve got your own life to live, so anytime is fine by me.

Great to know youre going out and socialising. Till later...




I'm thinking of my dad today. He went to be with the Lord eight years ago... This is the first fathers day since he's been gone.. that I haven't cried. He's with the Lord and I'll see him again soon. Happy for you. Positive hope you and the hubby and kiddies have a good day.

I'm thinking of my dad today. He went to be with the Lord eight years ago.....This is the first fathers day since he's been gone..that I haven't cried. He's with the Lord and I'll see him again soon. Happy for you. Positive hope you and the hubby and kiddies have a good day.

Hi Kit, sorry to hear this, I am really pleased that you have managed to stay strong today and I'm sure he would be proud of you :) He also knows you are thinking of him and knows that you love him! I hope you've both had a good day too. Lots of love to all

Hi Kit, sorry to hear this, I am really pleased that you have managed to stay strong today and I'm sure he would be proud of you :) He also knows you are thinking of him and knows that you love him! I hope you've both had a good day too. Lots of love to all





Glad you are almost through this! Tuesday... glad it will be over. You stay strong! :)

Thank you. Just a bit of an update for you.

He tried to call me earlier but I didn't answer. Instead I texted him saying "What's wrong? Is everything okay?" because I was worried about him. He replied and said that he wanted to make arrangements for Tuesday. I told him that I'd meet him at a park near my house at 12 midday (and for me to drive there myself). He suggested instead that he would pick me up and go to Savill Gardens which is a beautiful botanical garden like place in Windsor. It's very romantic. Obviously I said no. So he agreed and we left it at that.

Then, about 15 minutes ago, he sent me a text saying "Im sorry katie but unless we speak briefly on the phone before tuesday. I dont want to meet up."

So I haven't replied. If he keeps pushing it, I'll say fine we won't meet then, but there's no way I'm speaking to him before then because all he'll do is try to manipulate me. That's fair isn't it? If he doesn't want to meet me then fine, I'm not going to force him and at the end of the day it'll be bad on him as all it would do is drag it out longer! What do you think?

I think he's going to do everything he can to woo me, like buy me presents, bring food and possibly even tickets for a holiday or something. I think he's still in denial and doesn't think it will be over. He probably thinks he can make me change my mind. I'm dreading it. I know what I want though and just hope I remember that when I'm looking at him.

Hi Katie, that's a good idea don't let him get around you to speak with you on the phone, he wants to see if he can get you to do one thing he wants then he will believe or know or think he can still win you around, if he offers you buckingham palace rent free for life don't take it, diamonds, pearls, your own hareem of men ( ummm could be tempting LOL) refuse, anything from his last rolo, to the shirt off his back, just calmly say No Thank You Ive got 2 already, lol seriously, decline anything he offers you.

You did say you were taking a friend with you, is that still on? When you meet him make sure you stay in a fairly open area, where there will be others passing by, don't be too close to water, as in on the banks of a lake or similar, I recommend you wear flats or trainers,(in case you need to exit fast) don't be dressed up, jeans and a jumper is good, you want to be looking just ordinary.

You don't want to have him getting amorous, after all.

Go through the list of suggestions in the Loser file, have a strategy, like say you can't stop long you're awaiting an urgent phone call on the home phone, that you only found out about 2 hours earlier, so couldn't let him know for a reschedule.

Try not to cry, be cold, or calculating in how you talk too him, just keep reminding yourself how he was wanting to control you, don't fall for his tears they'll be put on Im sure. Don't let him hug you or hold your hand or anything familiar, you have to be cool calm and collected, tell him you've given it much thought and whatever else, and be firm, he may try all sorts to win you over don't fall for anything, you're strong, you're determined, don't feel sorry for him, did he when he wouldn't let you be yourself, wouldn't let you do what you wanted, no he did not.

Just keep it short and too the point you don't owe him any explanations. You had a relationship, it didn't work its over end of story.

Wish him well Tell him you want to focus all your attention on your university degree, and you want to focus on it as your main priority, and you've realised that's your number one thing to focus on. If he asks personal questions don't reply, make an excuse to cut the meeting short the bare minimum of time you need to tell him its over and then go, don't wait around for him to get it together hell get himself together almost immediately once you walk away.

As already suggested use the urgent phone call excuse. Turn your mobile phone off, you want this businesslike and texts coming in or a call from your friend won't achieve that. Keep your car in sight as much as possible, this is in case you need to get away from him in a hurry.

If you take your friend, ask her to wait a sensible distance away, but to remind you after a pre determined time span that you have that urgent important call to get back home for.

Hope this will be useful for you.
You'll do it, I know you will, but do it as quickly and cleanly as possible.

Businesslike and efficient.

Hi Katie, thats a good idea dont let him get around you to speak with you on the phone, he wants to see if he can get you to do one thing he wants then he will believe or know or think he can still win you around, if he offers you buckingham palace rent free for life dont take it, diamonds, pearls, your own hareem of men ( ummm could be tempting LOL) refuse, anything from his last rolo, to the shirt off his back, just calmly say No Thank You Ive got 2 already, lol seriously, decline anything he offers you.

You did say you were taking a friend with you, is that still on? When you meet him make sure you stay in a fairly open area, where there will be others passing by, dont be too close to water, as in on the banks of a lake or similar, I recommend you wear flats or trainers,(in case you need to exit fast) dont be dressed up, jeans and a jumper is good, you want to be looking just ordinary.

You dont want to have him getting amorous, after all.

Go through the list of suggestions in the Loser file, have a strategy, like say you can't stop long youre awaiting an urgent phone call on the home phone, that you only found out about 2 hours earlier, so couldnt let him know for a reschedule.

Try not to cry, be cold, or calculating in how you talk too him, just keep reminding yourself how he was wanting to control you, dont fall for his tears theyll be put on Im sure. dont let him hug you or hold your hand or anything familiar, you have to be cool calm and collected, tell him youve given it much thought and whatever else, and be firm, he may try all sorts to win you over dont fall for anything, youre strong, youre determined, dont feel sorry for him, did he when he wouldnt let you be yourself, wouldnt let you do what you wanted, no he did not.

Just keep it short and too the point you dont owe him any explanations. You had a relationship, it didnt work its over end of story.

Wish him well Tell him you want to focus all your attention on your university degree, and you want to focus on it as your main priority, and youve realised thats your number one thing to focus on. If he asks personal questions dont reply, make an excuse to cut the meeting short the bare minimum of time you need to tell him its over and then go, dont wait around for him to get it together hell get himself together almost immediately once you walk away.

As already suggested use the urgent phone call excuse. turn your mobile phone off, you want this businesslike and texts coming in or a call from your friend wont achieve that. Keep your car in sight as much as possible, this is incase you need to get away from him in a hurry.

If you take your friend, ask her to wait a sensible distance away, but to remind you after a pre determined time span that you have that urgent important call to get back home for.

Hope this will be useful for you.
Youll do it, I know you will, but do it as quickly and cleanly as possible.

Businesslike and efficient.

Don't give in... stay strong... Take his things and leave then on his doorstep...

Okay, this will be so hard but I think that what you said is the best way. Although I do love him very very much so I think crying will be inevitable and something I won't be able to prevent. I am definitely in agreement about the idea of being firm and businesslike (as much as possible) and want to appear to be sure that this is definitely what I want (no strong signs of weakness). Obviously though due to the love we share it will be really hard and my instinctual feelings will be to show affection and sympathy, but I will try not to touch him or hold hands etc like you said. I'll also just wear really normal plain clothes and not make any sort of special effort to dress up. Not sure whether to take my friend with me? Part of me wants to feel like I can do this on my own, and that having my friend there will put extra pressure and make me feel rushed, but also it would be good to have her to talk to afterwards on the way home. Not sure about this one yet. Why is it you think I shouldn't go on my own? I'm not worried about him being aggressive or anything by the way, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't hurt me.

Thanks for your advice x

I think you would be safer taking a friend, when a person is told that the relationship is over they can at times, not all, not all the time, but occasionally a person being rejected which is what he will think he is, may act out of character and become violent, as you know he's controlling, and it would be a preventative thing mostly.

However you must do what feels best for you.

Just be careful. Very Careful!!

Don't tell yourself it will be hard, I accept it won't be a piece of cake but if you tell yourself it will be hard then that's negative self talk, tell yourself I can do this I am doing it for my good and my well being, anything but telling yourself it will be hard, Use the I am affirmations. Take the ones that feel right and keep saying them to yourself.

Think Positive..

Just keep telling yourself I am strong I am capable I am determined, I will get through this, I want this, and I am going to go through with it, in a strong and determined way, I am strong. ...

Also Katie I don't like being the one to tell you this, but he didnt Love you, if he did he wouldn't have been controlling, or tried telling you what to do, because Love isn't that way, love accepts and wants the person they love to be themselves at all times, the person who tries to control another doesn't love them, its themselves they love not another.

Okay, this will be so hard but I think that what you said is the best way. Although I do love him very very much so I think crying will be inevitable and something I won't be able to prevent. I am definitely in agreement about the idea of being firm and businesslike (as much as possible) and want to appear to be sure that this is definitely what I want (no strong signs of weakness). Obviously though due to the love we share it will be really hard and my instinctual feelings will be to show affection and sympathy, but I will try not to touch him or hold hands etc like you said. I'll also just wear really normal plain clothes and not make any sort of special effort to dress up. Not sure whether to take my friend with me? Part of me wants to feel like I can do this on my own, and that having my friend there will put extra pressure and make me feel rushed, but also it would be good to have her to talk to afterwards on the way home. Not sure about this one yet. Why is it you think I shouldn't go on my own? I'm not worried about him being agressive or anything by the way, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't hurt me.

Thanks for your advice x

I think he will not take it well when he knows for sure it's over. Something tells me you need someone with you!

I think you would be safer taking a friend, when a person is told that the relationship is over they can at times, not all, not all the time, but occasionally a person being rejected which is what he will think he is, may act out of character and become violent, as you know hes controlling, and it would be a preventative thing mostly.

However you must do what feels best for you.

Just be careful. Very Careful!!!!

Dont tell yourself it will be hard, I accept it wont be a piece of cake but if you tell yourself it will be hard then thats negative self talk, tell yourself I can do this I am doing it for my good and my well being, anything but telling yourself it will be hard, Use the I am affirmations. take the ones that feel right and keep saying them to yourself.

Think Positive..

Just keep telling yourself I am strong I am capable I am determined, I will get through this, I want this, and I am going to go through with it, in a strong and determined way, I am strong. ...

Also Katie I dont like being the one to tell you this, but he didnt Love you, if he did he wouldnt have been controlling, or tried telling you what to do, because Love isnt that way, love accepts and wants the person they love to be themselves at all times, the person who tries to control another doesnt love them, its themselves they love not another.

I will do this! I will think positively and tell myself that I can do it! I doubt myself too much I think, it's bad because I know what I want and I know I can do it. I will do it! And I also did wonder that.. about whether he truly loved me or not... it definitely was not all-encompassing love as clearly he wouldn't accept me for myself. I know I deserve better! Marianne I'm going to read the rest of your files you sent me later on tonight. I am going to read them and also make a long list of all the bad things he's done and reasons I am breaking up with him, and remind myself over and over again that this is the right thing to do! I'll also go over some past messages in this thread that yourself and Kit have written too. Thanks a lot, speak later x

Im re-posting the following so that Katie can re-read it and hopefully put some of it to use for when you meet with the Ex tomorrow and Good Luck, I know you can do it and that you're doing as you are because you know you're worth more.

Ending the Relationship
Remembering that "The Loser" doesn't accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions - ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment.

- Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can't feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they've probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of "I'm not right for anyone at this point in my life." If "The Loser" can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster.

- If "The Loser" panics, you'll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner - a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you've lost control again.

- Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don't agree to the many negotiations that will be offered - dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as "The Loser" has contact with you they feel there is a chance to manipulate you.

- "The Loser" will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship.

- Don't try to make them understand how you feel - it won't happen. "The Loser" only is concerned with how they feel - your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you.

- Don't fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how "The Loser" is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over.

- Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if "The Loser" finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort.

- Don't use terms like "someday", "maybe", or "in the future". When "The Loser" hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure.

- Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way.

If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the pressure will continue.

Never change your position - always say the same thing. "The Loser" will stop playing a machine that doesn't pay off and quickly move to another.


Follow-up Protection
"The Loser" never sees their responsibility or involvement in the difficulties in the relationship. From a psychological standpoint, "The Loser" has lived and behaved in this manner most of their life, clearly all of their adult life.

As they really don't see themselves at fault or as an individual with a problem, "The Loser" tends to think that the girlfriend or boyfriend is simply going through a phase - their partner (victim) might be temporarily mixed up or confused, they might be listening to the wrong people, or they might be angry about something and will get over it soon.

"The Loser" rarely detaches completely and will often try to continue contact with the partner even after the relationship is terminated.

During the Follow-up Protection period, some guidelines are:


- Never change your original position. It's over permanently! Don't talk about possible changes in your position in the future. You might think that will calm "The Loser" but it only tells them that the possibilities still exist and only a little more pressure is needed to return to the relationship.

- Don't agree to meetings or reunions to discuss old times. For "The Loser", discussing old times is actually a way to upset you, put you off guard, and use the guilt to hook you again.

- Don't offer details about your new life or relationships. Assure him that both his life and your life are now private and that you hope they are happy.

- If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else. If you listen to those phone calls, as though taping them, you'll find "The Loser" spends most of the call trying to make you feel guilty.

- In any contact with the ex "Loser", provide only a status report, much like you'd provide to your Aunt Gladys. For example: "I'm still working hard and not getting any better at tennis. That's about it."

- When "The Loser" tells you how difficult the breakup has been, share with him some general thoughts about breaking-up and how finding the right person is difficult.

While "The Loser" wants to focus on your relationship, talk in terms of Ann Landers - "Well, breaking up is hard on anyone. Dating is tough in these times. I'm sure we'll eventually find someone that's right for both of us." Remember - nothing personal!

- Keep all contact short and sweet - the shorter the better. As far as "The Loser" is concerned, you're always on your way somewhere, there's something in the microwave, or your mother is walking up the steps to your home.

Wish "The Loser" well but always with the same tone of voice that you might offer to someone you have just talked to at the grocery store. For phone conversations, electronic companies make a handy gadget that produces about twenty sounds - a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. That little device is handy to use on the phone - the microwave dinner just came out or someone is at the door.
Do whatever you have to do to keep the conversation short - and not personal.


Summary
In all of our relationships throughout life, we will meet a variety of individuals with many different personalities. Some are a joy to have in our life and some provide us with life-long love and security. Others we meet pose some risk to us and our future due to their personality and attitudes.

Both in medicine and mental health - the key to health is the early identification and treatment of problems - before they reach the point that they are beyond treatment. In years of psychotherapy and counseling practice, treating the victims of "The Loser", patterns of attitude and behavior emerge in "The Loser" that can now be listed and identified in the hopes of providing early identification and warning.

When those signs and indicators surface and the pattern is identified, we must move quickly to get away from the situation.

Continuing a relationship with "The Loser" will result in a relationship that involves intimidation, fear, angry outbursts, paranoid control, and a total loss of your self-esteem and self-confidence.


If you have been involved in a long-term relationship with "The Loser", after you successfully escape you may notice that you have sustained some psychological damage that will require professional repair. In many cases, the stress has been so severe that you may have a stress-produced depression.

You may have severe damage to your self-confidence/self-esteem or to your feelings about the opposite sex or relationships. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and counselors are available in your community to assist and guide you as you recover from your damaging relationship with "The Loser".


Credit: This handout was written by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., a Clinical Psychologist. It is provided as a public service and can be reproduced as needed. Dr. Carver is in private practice in Southern Ohio and is affiliated with three regional hospitals.

Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist
Website: Joseph M Carver, Ph.D. - Clinical Psychologist

I've just been reading over your last post and the files you sent me with my Mum. We have been talking about them a lot (with regards to my relationship AND her relationship!) and we have both agreed that no matter what, people just don't change. I found myself earlier attempting to convince myself that my boyfriend might change, he might realise how awful he's been and that I deserve to be my own person and be treated better.. etc etc... but then I read the very important quote from above that I will always think of at these doubtful times:

"Don't fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how "The Loser" is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over."

That is so true and so wise, and is what has to be repeated over and over again! Because, I know him. I have been there when he's been his normal self. I have been there when he's shouted at me, manipulated me, told me what to do, told me what was bad about myself and what I should be like. And I know it's not good, or how I want to be treated. I also know that he will probably treat me wonderfully for a few weeks, maybe months, possibly even a year, but once he feels like he's "got" me again, even if that's not until we're married, the worry of whether I would leave him probably wouldn't be there anymore and he would just revert back to his old ways.

Thank you, this is such an important message, and has also helped my Mum a bit in her relationship too! Her husband's lovely but can be rather controlling at times (fits a few of the descriptions in the "control freak" file you sent me) so she's more aware of this now. Perhaps we should post the "control freak" file on here Marianne, it might help loads of other women too!

Once again I cannot thank you enough. I hope your days have been good. How are you as well, Kit?

I've just been reading over your last post and the files you sent me with my Mum. We have been talking about them a lot (with regards to my relationship AND her relationship!) and we have both agreed that no matter what, people just don't change. I found myself earlier attempting to convince myself that my boyfriend might change, he might realise how awful he's been and that I deserve to be my own person and be treated better.. etc etc... but then I read the very important quote from above that I will always think of at these doubtful times:

"Don't fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how "The Loser" is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over."

That is so true and so wise, and is what has to be repeated over and over again! Because, I know him. I have been there when he's been his normal self. I have been there when he's shouted at me, manipulated me, told me what to do, told me what was bad about myself and what I should be like. And I know it's not good, or how I want to be treated. I also know that he will probably treat me wonderfully for a few weeks, maybe months, possibly even a year, but once he feels like he's "got" me again, even if that's not until we're married, the worry of whether I would leave him probably wouldn't be there anymore and he would just revert back to his old ways.

Thank you, this is such an important message, and has also helped my Mum a bit in her relationship too! Her husband's lovely but can be rather controlling at times (fits a few of the descriptions in the "control freak" file you sent me) so she's more aware of this now. Perhaps we should post the "control freak" file on here Marianne, it might help loads of other women too!

Once again I cannot thank you enough. I hope your days have been good. How are you as well, Kit?

Remember... we're here... take a friend with you tomorrow... please!

Thanks for your comments Katie and Im pleased you're reading the files and even sharing them with your Mum, I am sure you'll be just fine torrow and as you know Ill be with you in spirit and mind. You can do it you will do it.

Anyway here is the file named THE CONTROL FREAK I hope it is useful in helping others in abusive relationships.

THE CONTROL FREAK
In the beginning these relationships are wonderful - you think you finally met your dream person! But, the relationship deteriorates over time. The deterioration can occur over a few months or may take years.

This pattern is opposite from the progression in a "normal" relationship, where people start slowly and grow to trust and love each other more over time.

Insecure or shy people are most vulnerable to abusive partners.

Controlling people are often expert pursuers. They are very big on charm, compliments, gifts, etc. They make you feel as though you are the most special person in the world. During this stage, they really think you are the most special person in the world. They can't be with you enough, can't go out of their way for you enough... until you're hooked. Then the party starts.
The relationship is an emotional roller roaster. There is little peace. Just when things seem to be going well, the angry person somehow manages to pick a fight.

The angry person usually doesn't take responsibility for creating the problem. Somehow, the partner is blamed, or is provoked to lose their temper

When the angry person is bad, they are very, very bad. When they are good, they are very, very good. (They have to be - to make up for all their mis-behavior!)

The angry person pursues when you have pulled back emotionally or are fed up with them.
The angry person does not allow their partner to be angry with them. If you are angry at them, they get even angrier with you.

Emotional trust and comeradie are lacking. The angry person does not know how to trust and the victim has no basis to trust.

"Male role control works by physically, verbally, or emotionally destroying your partner's physical and emotional integrity so that she will be afraid to be herself, will control herself, and therefore be available to be controlled by YOU."

Emotionally controlling behavior is implemented through verbal abuse, body language, and deprivation (withholding). These behaviors are "the way the abuser treats his partner"

Abuse is always about CONTROL. Whether it is verbal abuse, emotional abuse, or physical abuse, IT IS ABOUT CONTROLLING YOUR PARTNER, subtly or openly.

Check yourself out with these controlling behaviors or words:CONTROLLING HER TIME: The abuser controls his partner's time by making her wait. He will say he is ready to talk, but will continue doing something else while his partner waits. He will tell her he is ready to go to bed, then make her wait. If she complains of having to wait, he will blame her for "not having enough patience", "I have to wait on you too", or "Do you expect me just to drop everything!"-- thereby blaming her for HIS making her wait.

This also commonly occurs when the abuser is called to a meal, family activity, or that everyone else is ready to leave. If the partner does something while waiting, the abuser will then angrily proclaim that "HE has been waiting on HER". A subtle way of controlling a partner's time is to leave most, if not all, of the work for her to do-then complaining about anything she does for herself, or what she does not get done.

Other examples are procrastinating promised work (especially what she is counting on), "watching just one more program" or "playing one more game" (that goes on and on and on), refusing to give a simple and direct answer to concrete and direct questions (Are you going to do this or that. "We'll have to wait and see, I suppose, maybe, what do You think, I didn't know I was supposed to...why don't you figure it out!")

The abuser may also control his partner's time by grandstanding. If she tells him she is unhappy about an incident, he will deny it happened, discount her feelings, or accuse her of trying to start a fight. He might also proclaim that "you're causing the problem by bringing it up," "no one else notices," "everyone else does, so why can't I,"

Diverting, countering, blocking, "forgetting," forcing her to explain, making her repeat because the abuser was not listening or paying attention, and "prove it" are also common ways to control the partner's time and energy. It is rare that an abuser will be willing to discuss or negotiate HIS plan-to do so would be giving up control. This type of control is two-fold: Control her time in some way, any way, then blame HER for it.

CONTROLLING HER MATERIAL RESOURCES: The verbal abuser may control one or all of his partner's material resources by WITHHOLDING information as well as by withholding work which he has promised to do, often by "forgetting", "I don't know how", or "I didn't know I had to". Another common practice of the abuser is to withhold needed money, then compound the abuse by forcing her to act on her own, beg, plead, or do without. He then begins blaming his withholding on her acting on her own, begging, pleading, or "trying to be a martyr." In more severe cases, the controlling abuser will keep money from his wife that is necessary for her survival and that of their family (whether it is the promised food budget money or his entire salary). He gives no thought to "spending his own money," or what his control and selfishness is doing to his wife and family who are either deprived of necessities or working desperately to support themselves while HE feels in control and free!

CONTROLLING WITH BODY LANGUAGE AND GESTURES: The verbal abuser uses body language to control his partner, just as he uses words. The words and gestures often go together. This can be seen as using HIMSELF to control his partner. Following are some hurtful and intimidating ways of controlling that are forms of withholding and abusive anger:

Sulking
Stomping out
Refusing to talk
Walking away
Refusing to give her something
Hitting or kicking something
Refusing to make eye contact
Driving recklessly
Boredom-crossed arms, eyes closed, head down, deep sighs
Withdrawing or withholding affection
Showing disgust-rolled eyes, deep sighs, inappropriate sounds
Strutting and posturing

CONTROLLING BY DEFINING HER REALITY: This form of control is very oppressive. When he tells his partner what reality is, he is playing God, he is discounting the partner's experience by defining "THE TRUTH"-which in fact is a LIE. Some examples: That's not what you said or That's not what I said or That's not what you did or That's not what I did or That's not what happened. That's not what you saw. That's not what you felt. That's not why you did it. I know you better than you know yourself!

CONTROLLING BY MAKING HER RESPONSIBLE: By telling his partner she is responsible for his behavior, this verbal abuser attempts to avoid all responsibility for his own behavior. In other words, he avoids accountability by BLAMING. Examples include:
I did it because you...
You didn't remind me.
You just don't see what I do.
Just show me how
Set a good example

CONTROLLING BY ASSIGNING STATUS: Putting her down, especially on what she does best.
Putting her up, praising or thanking her for trivial things rather than the big things she does, which demeans her talents, time, and energy, while implying she is best suited to do trivial or demeaning tasks. This category also includes statements such as: That right! You're a woman! (said with disgust) What makes you think you can do that? I'm the leader, the boss. You're not THAT stupid. Just THINK about it. ITS THAT'S SIMPLE.

CONTROLLING BY DIMINISHING YOUR PARTNER:
Belittling
Laughing at or smirking
Offensive jokes
Mimicking your partner
Patronizing
Scornful, disdainful, contemptuous tone of voice
Ignoring, "I'm not listening to you"
Avoiding eye contact, turning away
Expecting partner to talk to you while you're watching TV, reading, game playing
Words like "Sooo" or "So what!" or "That means NOTHING to me" or "Whatever"
Bafflegabbing - talking in ways intended to mislead or baffle your partner
Insulting your partner
Making inappropriate sounds
Making inappropriate facial expressions-rolled eyes, grimaces, deep sighs
Starting a sentence then stating, "Forget it.."
Accusing her of being "controlling", "having to have the last word"

CONTROLLING behaviors such as those above are used by verbal abusers to gain feelings of power and control whenever the suppressed fear and pain in his own life start to "seep out" - terrified of not being in control, terrified of "feeling," terrified of her leaving.

Author Unknown

Hi, I can't take a friend with my tomorrow as she's busy, and also I don't see the point as I'm not worried about getting hurt (it's a relatively public place) and if a friend is there it will be pressuring and I'll feel like I have a time limit as I'd be keeping her waiting. I don't think having a friend there would affect my decision or the way I react to what he says, so I'm going to go on my own. I am going straight round to her house afterwards though and obviously later I will speak to you both on here so I will keep you updated. Thanks for your support, I know you'd prefer it if I took a friend but I don't feel that it would suit me in this situation! I am going to bed soon. I feel absolutely terrified about tomorrow.. I wish I knew what will happen and how I am going to feel when I see him... I just need to STAY STRONG and remember all the reasons this is happening! Speak soon x

I've only just seen your post Marianne so I'll read it now x

Thanks guys, I'll be on in the morning. Have a good night and speak tomorrow. You've both helped a lot. Night x

Good luck

I hope you have a good sleep and wake up feeling fresh and raring to go, before you do say a few self affirmations to help you. Yes Good Luck, and go for it.

You'll be fine!

Coping strategys
1.Grieve for what you have lost: ending a relationship is a loss that needs to be worked through, even if being together made you unhappy. Often, we are encouraged to 'forget them and move on', but this will only keep your ex firmly on your mind.

2.Seize the advantages of being single: as a single person, you have total control over what you do and where you go in your life. Start making plans to take advantage of your new freedom.

3.Mobilise your support system: being with friends and family allows you to vent your emotions as you sort through your life. They can also help you see how much you are loved and needed in your own right.

4.Reinvent yourself: get a haircut, change your look or take up something you've always fancied. Just don't do anything rash that you may later regret, such as leaving your job.

5.Sort out your financial affairs: breaking up can be stressful from a financial point of view. You may be left paying the rent or mortgage, or have to find a new place to live. If you're finding things a stretch, get some professional financial advice.

6.Accept you'll have down times: don't expect everything to be fine and dandy. Prepare yourself for some lonely moments, but remind yourself that they will pass and you will be happy again.

7.Set goals: one of the worst things about ending a relationship is seeing your future as a blank slate that was once filled with potential. Set new goals, be they work ones, travel ones or ones that broaden your life.

8.Let yourself be happy: single life may not be your ideal, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it. Say yes to invites, make plans for your social life and work on finding a new way of living that pushes you out of your comfort zone now and again.

Five signs you're in a dead-end relationship (http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthyliving/fivesigns.htm)

Let us know how things turn out!

Thank you, I want to click "agree" for most of your posts but it won't let me because I haven't "spread enough reputation" or something!

Not quite feeling the nerves yet, I've had to get up really early to help out as my Mum's going to an eye app. At the hosp. today so I've got to get my little brother ready for school and let the decorator man in, not ideal for today really is it! But never mind, I will go back to bed soon! Due to all this I'm thinking more about being tired than breaking up with him. I'm sure the nerves will set in later when I wake up for a second time. Thanks for all your luck, I will keep everything you've both said and everyone else has said in mind and keep POSITIVE! :D

I am leaving in half an hour. Pretty nervous now! Will let you know later what happens.

He is absolutely devastated. And I mean devastated. The way he was, you'd actually think that somebody had just told him that his whole family had died. It was horrible and nasty and cruel and I feel SICK and I feel like screaming and I feel like I want all this pain to go away. It's an actual physical ache, I can't explain it, I HATE IT

At first when I saw him I started to cry a little bit, but quite subtly. He was okay, we just talked about exams and our families in a very normal and stranger-ish way. It was odd. No emotions were really that obvious, and he was being really strong and positive. It felt weird to see him again but I didn't get any overwhelming desires to go rushing back into his arms or anything.

Then we got onto the subject of our relationship. It began with me telling him how bad the controlling things he's done are, such as telling me what to wear and not letting me go clubbing etc. I told him that I'd been clubbing last week and worn a bikini, and that I was fine and enjoyed it and want to do what I want to do. At this stage he still seemed very hopeful and clearly looked as though he thought we were together on the right track.

Then we sat down on the wall by the lake, and I can't remember what happened but I eventually told him I didn't want the relationship anymore because of our differences and his behaviour, and that despite the fact I still love him it would never work. It was odd, at first he got really frustrated with himself because he said he wasn't expressing himself properly, then he was telling me all about how he is so so willing to make me happy and adapt and change and become much more receptive to what I want and feel. When I said no to this, he kept telling me that I didn't understand what he was saying and how much he actually means it, he started to cry, so walked off, then came back, cried more, shouted really loudly in the corner and then cried again quite badly. I didn't know what to do. He tired to hug me and I resisited, but then he got so so upset and was really clearly in a lot of pain so somehow I let him and we hugged and he kept trying to hold my hand and just cling onto me basically. We were both crying a lot by this stage. I felt really guilty and bad for hugging him and at the time I knew it was wrong, but it was like I couldn't help it. I did try to resist but it made him so upset I couldn't help it.

There was obviously a lot of conversation going on between all this, with him asking me questions and us talking about things. I made it very clear that I was serious about my decision and that hugging wouldn't help and seeing me wouldn't help... it was like he couldn't bear to let go of me, also he couldn't look at me, when he did look at me he just broke down... then he would pull himself together for a moment but seconds later it would be bad again. It was horrid. At one point he got so upset that I told him to sit there for a minute and I went and phoned his best friend and his brother to tell them what had happened and that I didn't want to leave him on his own, so could they make sure they were with him afterwards.

Then he got a little embarrassed for being so upset, but soon later the tears just came again and it was getting torturous for both of us. But at the same time he didn't want me to leave. It's odd, I didn't expect him to be so understanding of my feelings (he actually listened to me and accepted that this is what I want) but at the same time he couldn't bear to let go. I keep crying and then stopping and then we'd cry again.. it got to the point where I really wanted to leave because nothing was getting any better. When I suggested going he got really upset and reluctant to let me leave, so I stayed a bit longer by the lake and we sat and talked and he hugged me more and he tried to kiss me but I said no, so instead he kissed my hair and just hugged me. It was absolutely heartbreaking. I've never seen somebody cry like this, especially not somebody as strong and together as he normally is, and his love for me is so evident and expressive, it's just terribly painful.

I honestly don't think you can understand how much he loves me. He is clearly still "in" love; I think I'd moved out of that stage of being in love and instead just loved him, but he is SO IN LOVE and SO DEVASTATED.

I KNOW this is against all the "rules" but in order to get him to calm down and for me to leave I agreed that I would speak to him on the phone every now and again and that we'd meet next week after I come back from my break with my best friend. It felt very bad and very wrong and not what I want deep down (even though on the surface I feel clingy too and want to see him again) but at the time I sort of had to agree to it. Saying no wasn't really an option. I couldn't be that nasty, he probably would have jumped in the lake. I suppose next week I can always say that meeting up isn't a good idea, even if it is just on a mutual basis (he accepts we're not together but still wants to "have happy times" and do nice things together). He told me that he'd been so selfish and uncaring about my needs, he said he'd let me wear bikinis if I want to and go clubbing if that's what I want, and that he wanted to sleep with me again as cutting it out and hurting me like that in the first place was the wrong thing to do.

I miss him a lot. It's odd, I still know this is the right decision as long-term he'll never change, and there isn't a happy future there, but the feelings of love, care, passion and emotion are overwhelming and I so badly have a strong desire to give in and go away with him for a few days or something. I know this is awful and I doubt I'd do that after all of this, but I just feel like such a cruel person, and feel like I should feel LUCKY to have someone adore me this much and be so desperate to keep me and give me all that I want. I just feel like a bit of a mess right now. I don't know how I'm ever going to forget his face and the way he was when he was telling me how much he loved me, would never want to so much as touch another woman and that if he did all he'd think about would be me. THIS IS TORTURE

Sorry for the exceptionally long message by the way.

By the way I know in my heart that at some point soon the best thing for both of us (him as well) would be for us to go no-contact to let him heal, but I genuinely don't think he's quite ready for that now. If I started ignoring him at this stage I think he might actually go crazy. Even though no contact would do me good, I really believe that right now it wouldn't do him any good. OH MY GOD I MISSS HIMMMMMMMM I want to screaaam

By the way I know in my heart that at some point soon the best thing for both of us (him as well) would be for us to go no-contact to let him heal, but I genuinely don't think he's quite ready for that now. If I started ignoring him at this stage I think he might actually go crazy. Even though no contact would do me good, I really believe that right now it wouldn't do him any good. OH MY GOD I MISSS HIMMMMMMMM I want to screaaam




I really don't know what to say. I expected anything but this. I feel sorry for him and I feel sad for you. I really don't know what to say.

Yes I am really rather confused too. I am so lost with all this. A part of me really wants to give him another chance but I am so scared as I don't think he could definitely change.. I don't know.. I feel so sick right now and can't stop crying :( GRRRRRRR But people don't change right? That's what you've all been telling me :(

And it's also not just about changing.. it's about the fact that we want totally different things. He wants to bring up his children as Muslims. He still doesn't agree with most of the things I want to do (like the whole clubbing thing and wearing clothes I want etc) so that would still cause a massive rift between us, the arguments would go on and on and even if I did go clubbing think how he'd be feeling? WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN He is not a bad person!! I love him so much! He is in so much pain right now and so am I and GOD I don't know what to do! Things were really rubbish before when we were together, and I'm just not convinced that they could ever get better!!

Yes I am really rather confused too. I am so lost with all this. A part of me really wants to give him another chance but I am so scared as I don't think he could definitely change.. I don't know.. I feel so sick right now and can't stop crying :( GRRRRRRR But people don't change right? That's what you've all been telling me :(




Sometimes they try to change. I'm so sad for you and for him. What does your heart tell you? What does your head tell you? You are ultimately going to have to make the decision. Can you picture your life without him? What if you do give him another chance and he changes?
What if he doesn't? Ten years from now where do you think you'll be?
You are miserable right now and so is he. When was the last time you were truly happy?

I'm only asking you this because if there is any chance this could work out and he would change could you be happy again? His religion is a great part of his life. You wouldn't ask him to change that. He has been brought up that way and that will be one obstacle that would be hard to overcome. Katie... Do a lot of soul searching. You are on your way to being free. Do you want this?

Sometimes they try to change. I'm so sad for you and for him. What does your heart tell you? What does your head tell you? You are ultimately going to have to make the decision. Can you picture your life without him? What if you do give him another chance and he changes?
What if he doesn't? Ten years from now where do you think you'll be?
You are miserable right now and so is he. When was the last time you were truly happy?

I'm only asking you this because if there is any chance this could work out and he would change could you be happy again? His religion is a great part of his life. You wouldn't ask him to change that. He has been brought up that way and that will be one obstacle that would be hard to overcome. Katie...Do a lot of soul searching. You are on your way to being free. Do you want this?

Kit, I am soul-searching right now. It is hard but I am taking all those questions into account and trying to work out what I really want. I think I also need to listen to my own head and heart and stop trying to please other people, such as my family and my best friend. I need to please myself and do what is best for me. Thank you.

Kit, I am soul-searching right now. It is hard but I am taking all those questions into account and trying to work out what I really want. I think I also need to listen to my own head and heart and stop trying to please other people, such as my family and my best friend. I need to please myself and do what is best for me. Thank you.

Yes you do. I hate it when someone is hurting and especially if I think maybe I had something to do with it. It's so easy for me to be in one part of the world giving you advice on a man I don't even know. It's easy on the other threads when someone is being abused or cheated on.
I know how to address those.

The more I know of how you feel about him and him about you... I'm just as confused as you are. Listen to your own feelings... the pros and cons... Hugs... Kit

I read what you wrote Katie and I felt so guilty for telling you or encouraging you to go ahead with this, I did though think it was what you wanted, now I see it wasn't, and yes as Kits said we may have thought we gave you good advice, but then again we aren't you, or living your life.

He might change he's young enough to, and if he does love you and you him then I also believe everyone deserves a 2nd chance, I put my own prejudices and how it was for me onto you, and I am really sorry I did that.

You have to live your life for you, you still have what's in this thread to use for guidance, however if you want to give him a 2nd chance who am I to say you cant.

Im so sorry you are hurting so bad I really am.

If you do go back to him then I do recommend some counselling Im sure that would be good for you both..

You have to do what is best for you! I've given a lot of advice on this site and sometimes I wonder if I'm right... but on the advice I've given.. I tell them what I think is good advice. I've never second guessed myself.

With your situation, I don't know. It's up to you.

Thanks to you both. Like I said, I am going to do a lot of deep thinking for a while and work on myself and decide what it is that would make ME feel happy. I do love him to bits and if I decide that he is what will make me happy, then so be it. My mind is pretty clouded with emotions at the minute and I feel very confused and a bit worried about all the what-ifs, like what if I do decide to go back, then how will all the people who have supported me actually feel, and what if it's the wrong decision and I end up at square one again in a few months' time? But this is all too much to consider for tonight, otherwise my brain will explode. It's just so much pressure!

Please don't feel guilty, you have not pushed me into doing anything, you have just helped me and said what you felt was best at the time. I am very grateful for that and would hate for you to feel guilty. Marianne and Kit, I feel that both of you are two of the only people I can speak to honestly at the moment and share my feelings with, so I thank you for this. I know I say thank you a lot but it's because I really mean it!

I am going out for a walk now with my Nanny and Grandad to get some fresh air. Speak soon

Hi Marianne, thanks for the like, I am going on Ebuddy so if you're around...


I am scared. What if we decide to see each other slowly and gradually again but still lead our own lives how we please, but a few weeks/months down the line it doesn't feel right for me so it has to end again? How can I put him through all of that AGAIN? It might kill him! I'm more worried about his feelings than my own in this. I know that I could cope with things that will happen, but I don't know if he could. I could cope with taking it slow to see if things will work out, and if they don't then staying broken up, but I don't know if he could cope with that.

He looked so ill and tired when I saw him, I feel so guilty and responsible for his feelings. This is so much pressure on me, it's immense. I feel like I am in charge of somebody elses' feelings, and that every move I make will either make them happy (temporarily?) or devastate them. It's too much pressure. I feel like I'm going to explode! What makes it worse is that I feel like everyone would be frowning down upon me. Especially my best friend, she would be SO disappointed I know it, and really quite resentful. She has stuck by me SO much and listened to me going on about him all the time and say how "sure I was about my decision", so how could I now tell her that I'm doubting the decision and considering actually seeing him again? It's all so bizarre.

And him, I feel like I want to talk to him to discuss what we're going to do about this, but I also feel like his feels are so fragile that I need to be sure that he is what I want before I start talking to him again, as it would cause him more pain if I pulled away at a later date. I HATE THIS!

There is nothing wrong with taking all the time you need to make a life changing decision. There are many emotional risks involved to just jump into something just to try and spare the feelings of others.

Healing is needed, plain and simple so this can be a decision made with clarity, and understanding, as you would give up a lot to make him happy, but you may not be happy later. That will never work, if you start resenting the changes it takes to raise his children the way he wants to.

Maybe it helps to find out just what that would mean for you since its more than losing your right to club, and wear what you please to.

Have you met his parents? His family? If so, how were you received?

Content deleted

There is nothing wrong with taking all the time you need to make a life changing decision. There are many emotional risks involved to just jump into something just to try and spare the feelings of others.

Healing is needed, plain and simple so this can be a decision made with clarity, and understanding, as you would give up a lot to make him happy, but you may not be happy later. That will never work, if you start resenting the changes it takes to raise his children the way he wants to.

Maybe it helps to find out just what that would mean for you since its more than losing your right to club, and wear what you please to.

Have you met his parents? His family?? If so, how were you received?

[By the way, I feel a bit guilty for going on and on about myself on here... sorry if people are feeling fed up by all this.. I know my family and friends probably are so even if you don't read what I've written I am still grateful for this site as it gives me somewhere to write and express my feelings. If you do read it then thanks in advance, and if not then I do understand]

Yes I agree that time is needed and a clearer mind in order to decide what is best. Right now it's all a bit of a confused jumble. Also it doesn't help that practically every person I speak to has a different opinion on the subject and all think I should do different things!

I'm not sure if it would be losing my right to club or wear what I please. I called him last night you see and this is what made me start to change my mind, and I haven't posted what happened on here yet because it was quite an intimate and personal conversation so at the time I emailed Marianne what happened instead. I could post a bit of it on here I suppose, it's quite deep but I suppose nobody here actually knows who I am so it doesn't really matter:

"He told me that his love for me is so true and so real, and that if I was in a wheelchair he would take care of me, look after me and cherish me until the day I die. He said that nobody can understand how much he loves me, and that he has been completely and utterly wrong in the way he's treated me. He said that it was only when he felt that he'd lost me over this past month that he realised how important I am, how awful he's been and how much he desperately wants to change and become a better person. He said that everything he's ever done has been with the best of care and intentions and that he didn't realise how bad he was being, but that he realises now upon much reflection how wrong he was and how trying to control another person is detremental and wrong and hurtful and unkind. He also said that he accepts that humans have needs, and that through all his soul-searching he has realised that chosing not to sleep with me anymore was incredibly painful for both of us and even though he felt it was right at the time (because he didn't know any better), now he realises that it was the incorrect decision to make.

He said that making love with me is what makes him truly happy, and that he cannot think of another single thing that would make him happier. He said that when he looks into my eyes he feels the most incredible feelings and knows that all he wants to do is make me happy and love me forever. He says that he's been taking me for granted, has been miserable with other areas of his life so has not paid enough attention to what is important, and feels so sorry for what has happened.

He also said that we need to both separately work on our selves and discover and become our own person. The mistake we made by rushing into this relationship was that we weren't sure who we were in the first place, so used eachother in order to judge and base our ideas on and didn't work on becoming our own individual people first. We agreed that we need to spend time working on ourselves and discovering what makes each of us happy, and then see if once we've done that there is a chance that we could come together and talk about our feelings and what we want in life and see if then we are compatible. He said his love for me would never die, and that I am the only woman on the whole of the earth who he wants to love and be with. But despite this he mentioned that we both would still have some resentment towards the other, me because of the way he's been to me in the past and him because of the way my decisions in the past month have hurt him, and how today especially has hurt him. "

So there you go. That is what I am working with at the moment. It seems that he is desperate for change and to improve himself too. I don't quite know what to do about this. Working on ourselves for now seems the best thing.

I was very accepted by his family. His Mum still wants to remain my good friend no matter what happens and has always been there for me. She is English by the way. Since this whole break thing though his Father's (Egyptian) side have taken a dislike to me (understandable as they've seen the state he has been in) and keep telling him to move on and that they'll get him married to the most beautiful Muslim woman in Egypt. I have to say that that did quite make me laugh.

Talaniman has mentioned some valid points, so far all he's done is tell you not to wear bikinis and not to go clubbing, he also cut off the sex side of your relationship, that's a huge CONTROL thing.

So as has been said what if you stay with him and get married, and have children you said he wants to raise his kids as Muslims, do you know what that will entail, and where your position is going to be in regards to that aspect, in that culture I believe women are considered below camels, as in they're not treated as equals far from it, Im not totally sure but I think they're allowed more than wife.

Your children will grow up treating you like some servant can you cope with that, you won't have any say in their education, discipline, beliefs, nothing you'll be no more than a brood mare.

Plus what's to say he won't take them out of the country, you'll have no rights to stop him.

You'll be no more than a free housekeeper cook bottle washer and slave. ( OK not quite so drastic)

Just checked yes polygamy is allowed in their religion.

So you could be replaced.

Talk is cheap don't forget and actions speak louder than words.

JMO

And how does his English mother deal with the cultural differences she has encountered. Did she convert? Was he raised a strict Muslim? Or is he "westernized"? When is he expecting you to have children, and when do you want children? Are you on a career path? What are your goals for yourself, and where do YOU want to be in 10 years? What do your parents think?

I have learnt so much about myself during this break, especially that I am actually a really strong person and am very capable of looking after myself. I truly think that I would never let a man tell me what to do or control me again because of what I have been through. Like if there was the slightest hint of him becoming controlling again, then that would be it.

I believe that he wants to change. I'm still doubtful of whether he can physically do that, but like you said, doesn't everybody deserve a second chance? To at least try? To have a chance to prove himself and show me that he means what he says and respects my freedom and right to make my own decisions? I feel like I need to be fair and give him a chance. Not in the sense of jumping straight back into a deep relationship, but the chance over time and months and talking and understanding and observing how he is. I don't know.

His Mother divorced his Dad after 6 years. She married him when she was 18, moved to Egypt, converted to Islam, then divorced him and moved back to England because she was too "westernized" as you said, and couldn't conform to the Egyptian culture.

You have to remember though that there is no way I am EVER converting to Islam, moving to Egypt or being forced into any religion or anything. I am my own person and he is beginning to respect that. He has lived in England since the age of 7, looks very English (very pale skin and British-looking) and so has spent most of his time experiencing the British way of life (he went clubbing and used to drink and behave relatively normally). I think he's just pretty confused about who he is and which way is the right way.

Hi Katie what reason has he to have any resentment towards you for not wanting to remain in a relationship where you were not allowed to be yourself around him, you didn't do that to him he did it to you, and if he is going to make unrealistic demands then he has to expect some objections and if he resents them then he should do something about it, and stop himself being that way, You didn't do that HE DID.

That's him failing to accept responsibility.

That's also him laying a guilt trip on you, with you mentioning that aspect, I am now thinking he isn't going to change, because he's already avoiding taking responsibility.

Had he maybe said he can understand why you've been how you are, that would have been a different thing. But he's telling you he is going to have resentment for making you unhappy and you ending it.

Putting the blame squarely on you...

Katie I have to go do my counselling for a couple of hours, Ill be back by about 3:30pm, Ill text you when Im home so if you want to chat we can. Im taking my 4 yr old Stephen with me, he loves playing with the children in the refuge and often takes a toy or 2 for them LOL awwwwwwwww he's so cute...

Its group session so not so intense.

Nonono I've said it all wrong. That was what he said at one point, but I think I took it in the wrong context - he actually DID say that he accepted responsibility for his actions, was sorry, realised they were wrong and that he COULD understand why I've done this and why I've been so upset. He said that he must have hurt me very much for me to want to leave him like this, and that the fact I want to leave him has made him deeply question his own actions, behaviour and way he's been.

I know he accepts responsibility, sorry it's just so hard to remember every little detail of things he's said and to convey aspects on here in the wrong way.

He's not putting the blame on me, he said that he understands what's happened, but that yesterday was quite traumatic and that's why he feels so upset about the whole thing. But that he gets why I've been like this and understand that it's his fault and that he is the one who has caused me to want to leave.

Sorry, do you see what I mean now?

Okay enjoy yourself and I hope Stephen enjoys playing with the children too! Speak later :)

I will say he is hardly a fellow that's ready for the responsibly of marriage as he seems to be trying to find himself right now. Confused people make lousy partners, and are themselves capable of confusing YOU.

I think you let the dust settle for a while while he does that, without your influence. The last thing anyone needs is a partner for life that starts one way, and makes promises they fully intend to keep, but cannot.

I see a big red flag in the way he deals with differences as mature coupes talk together, to work together, and not arbitrarily make decisions that their partner doesn't fully understand. Most couples after a break up think they can go slow and see if things work out without resolving any issues of contention between them. That never works, as it may be fun all over again, but no communications is done, and the old problems are not resolved.

I also think you are further along the maturity ladder, and would resent him from not expressing his inner thoughts, simply because they are still forming, within him, and that's what's at the heart of this disconnect now I feel, as he has to find out what he will do for himself before he can tell you.

He needs time, plain and simple, and its obvious that you recognize that and give it to him. In healthy couples, they develop that talk before actions mentality, that allows them to put their feelings, wants, and needs on the table, BEFORE they act on them. While love is a powerful emotion, and he may be dedicated for now, the only real test of any couple is how they deal with the hard times, and the work together when life and realities throw you curves, and reversals that require a lot of communications and sacrifice. (like you go clubbing, but not in a bikini, LOL! )

The biggest question to me is not how much he has to change, and can he, but what changes, and adjustments you are willing to consider?

As I said, this is a life changing decision, and you both need clarity of thought to make it. Going with the flow is one thing, resolving issues in a mature way is another. Religious and cultural differences are only a barrier when there is no room for compromise, but confusion is not a way to have a healthy long term relationship. Until he can define himself, you will never define the both of you.

Everything you've said has made complete and utter sense. A lot of sense.

"Until he can define himself, you will never define the both of you."

He needs to find himself. He needs to work out who he is, and what he wants. He is definitely very confused right now as you said, and him being confused is just making me confused.

I will give him time. I will also give him space. To be honest I think he could really benefit from some counselling (it's benefitted me greatly in the past) and it would do him some good to talk about his feelings with somebody mutual who can help him work out who he is. I might suggest that to him, in a non-patronising way.

Thanks Talaniman. Those are some wise words! You should post on here more often lol. I will take everything you've said very much into consideration. I will think about the question you've raised about what changes and adjustments I am willing to consider, as that is an important one. Thanks again.

I am going away for a trip with my best friend now. I am feeling very positive about this. Him and I are going to go our separate ways and work on OURSELVES, alone, in order to become stronger and happier people. It will take time but it will be worth it when we get there. I am going to have fun, do everything I want to do that fulfills me and feel happy that he is also mending and trying hard to enjoy himself too. This is the best thing for both of us. We are going to work out who we are before we consider taking any other bigger steps.

Speak to you soon, enjoy your days! And thanks again for everything :)

I am going away for a trip with my best friend now. I am feeling very positive about this. Him and I are going to go our separate ways and work on OURSELVES, alone, in order to become stronger and happier people. It will take time but it will be worth it when we get there. I am going to have fun, do everything I want to do that fulfills me and feel happy that he is also mending and trying hard to enjoy himself too. This is the best thing for both of us. We are going to work out who we are before we consider taking any other bigger steps.

Speak to you soon, enjoy your days! And thanks again for everything :)



Bye Eveamee... Hope you find happiness

Have a good time. Don't forget the sunscreen...

I think Talaniman made some excellent points and gave great advice.

Katie you are being very mature and accommodating in all of this.

Good Luck and have a good time away..

Hi guys, how is everyone? I've arrived back home from my trip today, although rather unexpectedly early as I had a bit of a problem with my eyes yesterday so had to go to Accident & Emergency at the hospital to have all that sorted out! Luckily my best friend was there with me and I'm feeling much better now so glad that's all sorted!

Thanks for your above messages. Nothing more to update you on really, I am still doing what I said in my last post and probably will be doing that for a while... obviously I worry about him daily (especially when he rang me in a bit of a panicky state not knowing what to do with himself) but a couple of nights ago (the last time we talked) I told him about how important it was for us to learn to cope with our feelings alone (and with friends/family) from now on and get through the hard times without contacting each other, as that's just temporary relief from what is really going to be a permanent situation. I'm almost wishing the days away and hoping that in a few weeks he'll feel better and begin to feel happier and heal properly, but that can't really be rushed and I think I need to sort of stop hoping that we'll get back together and instead focus on getting us both to a stage where we could happily live one way OR the other, instead of almost anticipating some kind of joyful reunion.

It's hard though, as before I met him on Tuesday I was SURE it was over, and since Tuesday I've had this hope in the back of my mind and almost made a decision that when the time is right in the future we'll come together to talk and discuss and work it out and see if we can try again. I know that's bad, but it's comforting! I suppose there's always the chance that he might not even WANT to as by that stage he'll be over it and have been hurt too much to go back to it all... but who knows. This is hard!

For the time being distraction is the key! BBQ tonight and going to make some plans for dancing in the week! Trying to keep busy :) x

Hi Katie wow that was a quick holiday or was it just a spur of the moment thing?

Been great weather though, so you picked the right time to go.

Just play it by ear one day at a time, and your inner voice will help guide you.

Anyway Pleased you're back. Have a good time at BarBQue.

Speak soon...

Hey Marianne. Yes it was just a short break to show Catherine around my University! Glad you're well, yes the weather's fantastic! Been sunbathing in the garden all day in my favourite bikini, hehe! Hope you're been enjoying it too.

Not sure if you received my email, but I'm feeling more positive today and am so pleased I managed to fight the urge to call him! I was actually hunting around for my phone in a bit of a state yesterday but luckily I couldn't find it so went to Catherine's house instead. Very glad about that. I'll think of that next time I have the urge!

Best wishes and hope you're okay too Kit :) x

Hi Katie, received your email haven't got around to replying yet, will do though later.

Anyway I am pleased you're over the bad time of earlier, and Ill always be around if you ever need me you know how to contact me in a hurry so do that anytime you feel you need urgent help, Im only a text away.

You're doing really well so don't despair this will get easier.

Yes I too have been enjoying the sun, spend most of the day in the pool, keeping cool. Loving this weather love the sunshine.

In case Katie comes to the site, I hope you're doing OK, and coming to terms with all that's gone on with you and your b/f of late.

You know you can still come here and get things off your chest anytime you want to, we are always here for you.

Also you know how to contact me if you need some support and Im offline, you have my number, text anytime.

Hope you're OK, let us know how its going.

Im assuming no news is good news .

Incase Katie comes to the site, I hope youre doing OK, and coming to terms with all thats gone on with you and your b/f of late.

You know you can still come here and get things off your chest anytime you want to, we are always here for you.

Also you know how to contact me if you need some support and Im offline, you have my number, text anytime.

Hope youre OK, let us know how its going.

Im assuming no news is good news .

Hello Marianne,

Nice to hear from you. I'm okay thank you, getting by, slowly but surely! It's a rather long story since we last spoke but basically him and I agreed to gradually give it another try and take our time with things, and then exactly 4 days after we met up for our first day out he did something completely ridiculous that I won't even go in to, but that spelled out to me that he is not right for me at this moment in time and that even though he's trying to change things like his aggression towards other men he's just not quite capable of it. He doesn't even see that he has got an aggression problem that's as serious as it is. See, on top of all these other controlling issues, there's also this one. So I refused to speak to him after that day that he did this silly thing, he came round to the house a few days later to try to talk to me but I told him that it was over and even though he got upset, my Mum told him to go. He did then go but sent me a birthday card on my birthday and best wishes and that he respected my decision to break contact and not be together anymore.

It was 2 weeks ago today that the incident happened and a week since my birthday, and I'm actually okay. I think about him and our memories all the time and miss him a lot but I've changed my phone number and have come to terms with the fact that enough is enough now - we are not right for each other. I am hoping now that he will refrain from trying to contact me (he hasn't tried so far) and that he's accepted it's over and we can both just move on.

So yes, that's where I'm at. A bit teary at times but actually rather positive, I think this is the right decision, I was doubting everything a few weeks ago as my previous posts show but after this thing that happened I'm sure and feel better for it. Am spending my time meeting up with friends, starting new dance classes (salsa on Sunday!) and my new volunteer work starts on Monday. So the future is bright! Holiday to Spain in August and then Uni in September, I have a lot to look forward to. I am being positive Marianne, you'd be pleased! Haha!

I hope you're well too and that your family are okay. Are you enjoying your summer so far? And Kit, you're also still about? I haven't spoken to Kit in ages either! I speak to Prowaker quite a lot on Facebook and he's doing fine (girlfriend of 4 years broke up with him, remember?) He's getting on quite well in case you were interested to know.

Thanks for your wishes, I'll come back on here soon. Katie :)

Hello Marianne,

Nice to hear from you. I'm okay thank you, getting by, slowly but surely! It's a rather long story since we last spoke but basically him and I agreed to gradually give it another try and take our time with things, and then exactly 4 days after we met up for our first day out he did something completely ridiculous that I won't even go in to, but that spelled out to me that he is not right for me at this moment in time and that even though he's trying to change things like his aggression towards other men he's just not quite capable of it. He doesn't even see that he has got an aggression problem that's as serious as it is. See, on top of all these other controlling issues, there's also this one. So I refused to speak to him after that day that he did this silly thing, he came round to the house a few days later to try to talk to me but I told him that it was over and even though he got upset, my Mum told him to go. He did then go but sent me a birthday card on my birthday and best wishes and that he respected my decision to break contact and not be together anymore.

It was 2 weeks ago today that the incident happened and a week since my birthday, and I'm actually okay. I think about him and our memories all the time and miss him a lot but I've changed my phone number and have come to terms with the fact that enough is enough now - we are not right for each other. I am hoping now that he will refrain from trying to contact me (he hasn't tried so far) and that he's accepted it's over and we can both just move on.

So yes, that's where I'm at. A bit teary at times but actually rather positive, I think this is the right decision, I was doubting everything a few weeks ago as my previous posts show but after this thing that happened I'm sure and feel better for it. Am spending my time meeting up with friends, starting new dance classes (salsa on Sunday!) and my new volunteer work starts on Monday. So the future is bright! Holiday to Spain in August and then Uni in September, I have a lot to look forward to. I am being positive Marianne, you'd be pleased! Haha!!

I hope you're well too and that your family are okay. Are you enjoying your summer so far? And Kit, you're also still about?! I haven't spoken to Kit in ages either! I speak to Prowaker quite a lot on facebook and he's doing fine (girlfriend of 4 years broke up with him, remember?) He's getting on quite well incase you were interested to know.

Thanks for your wishes, I'll come back on here soon. Katie :)

I'm so happy you're doing better. Good luck on the Salsa:D... Kit

Hello Katie and Happy Belated Birthday to you, so you're a Cancerian, I had a feeling you're a water sign, Im one too Scorpio, we are a good match. LOL go figure.

Im sorry you have had a hard time over these issues with the b/f and it's a small consolation, but I really do feel you have made the right choice and you did so on your own which is even better, I know we can advise you and suggest to you what to do but ultimately it has to be your own choice to make it or break it. Which you've now done.

So as hard as it may be to cope some days you now know yourself that this decsion is the right one, and it will definitely get easier.

Im pleased to hear you're doing well.

Im also fine been enjoying the sun we've had here in England of late in abundance. Im off on holiday soon, we go to San Tropez have a villa there, we normally spend about 6 weeks there. We will go towards end of Augst.

Anyway Katie great to hear from you, don't forget you can always contact me via text if you have any really down days. Or send email to me and Ill come online for a chat with you. Take care because we care, Thanks for the update. Marianne

Tell your Mum I said hello Please.

May I remind every one, this is not a chat or blog area, we are to be addressing questions, Please do not chit chat on the questions.

I am closing this one