My 16 year old daughter is dating a 22 year old man he lives next door and he is a bum he has no job and doesn't even leave his house only to sign on to get his benefits she was dating him when she was 15 and I thought I put a stop to it and as soon as she went 16 in April this year they got back together she has been very sly I found out by coming home early and catching them kissing

I think the fact that it is not allowed is probably part of the incentive. Since it is proving very difficult to stop her seeing him, and she only does so in secret if you try to prevent it, I would take the opposite tack. Invite him round for tea. Be friendly and welcome him into your home. Get the relationship right under your nose so you have a better chance of having some control over what goes on. Don't make him the forbidden fruit that she has to sneekily have.

Try and get her on side and have some responsible chats about sexual activity and it's unwanted consequences.

You need to find out how much of this is about her actual feelings about him and how much is just teenage rebellion. Make it clear that you expect them both to behave responsibly in this relationship, so that she feels you are treating her like an adult rather than a kid and just maybe the allure will diminish.

Good luck.

So what is your question? I'm unclear as to what you need help with?

need help with a 16 year old daughter dating a 22 year old man

You tell him straight to his face you will be reporting him to authorities if he continues seeing your daughter, and then report him, if it continues.

So never leave the 16 year old unsupervised

Yes it is wrong. This young man would be in serious trouble with the law.
In fact he would be in serious trouble with me. He has no business dating your daughter.
I and her dad would be having a serious talk with him.

Simple, short answer: wrong.

What is "dating" for her? At her age it should be something along the lines of hand holding and going to the movies. What have her and this 21 year old been up to?

How did she even meet him?

A 21 year old really has no business being interested in a 16 year old. She's still in high school. He is hopefully part way through college. They should be at totally different places in their lives and there's a huge maturity gap. Not to mention the legal side of things.

Not only is it wrong, it's illegal

I would report this to the police. Your daughter will be mad but too bad - this man is a sexual predator. If you want to be "nice" (I wouldn't), I'd make it clear to both of them that all contact is to be over immediately and if you see any indication that either of them is doing anything at all to maintain contact, you will contact the police. They knew it was wrong which is why they lied to you and hid it from you. The difference is that your daughter is a child who can be easily manipulated - this is entirely the guy's fault.

Put your foot down on this RIGHT AWAY. You daughter can be as angry as she wants with you, that's fine, she will get over it. Do whatever it takes to protect her.

Do you know anything else about this man?

The reason I asked what they've been up to and what she meant by dating is because, dating in and of itself isn't necessarily illegal. There's no laws that a 21 year old can't date a 16 year old. There are laws on sexual contact though. There may be nothing to report just yet, we weren't given enough details. For sure the relationship needs to end and if it's made clear to this creep that he'd better not come around this girl anymore and he continues to, then the police should definitely become involved. Or if they've already had any sort of sexual contact, the police should become involved. But the OP hasn't given us enough details to know that anything illegal has happened yet.

I like some of the others agree.. Call the police. If she gets mad.. Tough. If she insisted on hiding this from you she already knows she's wrong.

You are the parent... Nail him and let the authorities know what's been going on. Good Luck

the reason i asked what they've been up to and what she meant by dating is because, dating in and of itself isn't necessarily illegal. there's no laws that a 21 year old can't date a 16 year old. there are laws on sexual contact though. there may be nothing to report just yet, we weren't given enough details. for sure the relationship needs to end and if it's made clear to this creep that he'd better not come around this girl anymore and he continues to, then the police should definitely become involved. or if they've already had any sort of sexual contact, the police should become involved. but the OP hasn't given us enough details to know that anything illegal has happened yet.
Doesn't matter.
I would not stand for a 21 year old dating my 15 year old, I don't care if they are holding hands. There is no reason for a 21 year old to be passing time with a 15 year old. That's just asking for trouble. What would he even have in common with her?

Doesn't matter.
I would not stand for a 21 year old dating my 15 year old, I don't care if they are holding hands. There is no reason for a 21 year old to be passing time with a 15 year old. That's just asking for trouble. What would he even have in common with her?

Homegirl have to spread the love.. but I'm just wondering how far this relationship has gone. If there were sexual encounters then this man could go to prison. He is old enough to know better than to mess around with a youngster.

I would like to know how this is going to play out. If I were the mother I would be after him with a rope. The fifteen year old is not blameless either. She apparently didn't care enough about her mother to let her know what she was doing. What a mess

Doesn't matter.
I would not stand for a 21 year old dating my 15 year old, I don't care if they are holding hands. There is no reason for a 21 year old to be passing time with a 15 year old. That's just asking for trouble. What would he even have in common with her?


I wouldn't stand for it either. I already said that they shouldn't have anything in common and that the relationship needs to be ended. But what can the police do if he hasn't broken any laws yet? If he has broken a law, then yes, the police should get involved. But the OP hasn't given us enough details yet. So what is she supposed to be reporting to the police?

i wouldn't stand for it either. i already said that they shouldn't have anything in common and that the relationship needs to be ended. but what can the police do if he hasn't broken any laws yet? if he has broken a law, then yes, the police should get involved. but the OP hasn't given us enough details yet. so what is she supposed to be reporting to the police?



A fifteen year old dating a twenty-one year old for a year... I think there will be more to it than just holding hands... That's only my opinion and you are right... we won't know anything unless the mom posts again. I hope she does.

A fifteen year old dating a twenty-one year old for a year...I think there will be more to it than just holding hands...That's only my opinion and you are right...we won't know anything unless the mom posts again. I hope she does.

Still, the OP did not give us a lot of details. We don't know if they have been dating sine she turned 15. Or maybe days before she turned 16. And we don't even know how close they are physically. When I was in high school my friend was "dating" a guy in Boston. They'd met at a party were we lived in CA, kept in touch through myspace and texts, and began "dating" months after they'd met. There was never any sexual contact. They had plans to meet again as soon as she turned 18. I don't even remember how old he was. I think around 21 when she was 16 too, something close to that. I thought it was stupid and unhealthy, but not illegal. We really can't help the OP anymore until she comes back and gives us more details

I do hope you come back Sharon and let us try to help you! The good thing about this site is you are anonymous and so is your child.

I do hope we can help you!

i wouldn't stand for it either. i already said that they shouldn't have anything in common and that the relationship needs to be ended. but what can the police do if he hasn't broken any laws yet? if he has broken a law, then yes, the police should get involved. but the OP hasn't given us enough details yet. so what is she supposed to be reporting to the police?
I'm not talking about reporting to the police, I'm talking about the fact that this man has no business dating this girl. As a parent I would definitely be having a chat with him.
No we don't have anymore details but based on what she said. He has been dating her. Be it a week or a year it should not have and should not be happening.

The main point here is that this man does not need to be anywhere near a 15-year-old girl. This girl is young and naïve, and this man is more than likely just manipulating this girl because it's easy and he knows she will fall for it. I don't think he wants to put the effort in that it takes to actually have a REAL relationship with anyone. If he respected this young girl he would have left her alone, or been decent enough not to lie in the first place. I don't trust him. Break it off by any means you need to, be it talking to him directly or calling the police. The thing is, is if they haven't had sex yet, chances are they will soon. So nip this in the bud sooner than later.

just found out my daughter has been dating a 21 year old man since she was 15 she as now just turned 16, 4 weeks ago just want thourts on if rite or wrong ?

One additional question, just to add a possible twist to the story: Is it possible that this man believes your daughter is older than she is? I have know plenty of girls who find great pleasure in knowing an older guy is interested in them and they are not always forthcoming with their correct age.

It could be he knows full well, in which case there is no doubt it is a concern, but it could also be that he thinks he is dating someone older, especially since he obviously hasn't been brought around to meet the family all this time.

I can't imagine that if he has been dating her he knows she is at least a minor.
He can't take to a bar, she has no drivers license, unless she is only going to his place or his friends place.
Maybe I am giving young men more credit than I should.

I can't imagine that if he has been dating her he knows she is at least a minor.
He can't take to a bar, she has no drivers license, unless she is only going to his place or his friends place.
Maybe I am giving young men more credit than I should.

I'm pretty sure he knows. It's easy to tell most of the time.

She was dating him for 6 months she said they have`nt had sex but I don't no if I believe her because she has kept this from me ,she says she loves him I feel that there is nothing I can do to stop it I feel I have failed as a mum.

There is something you can do. She might hate you at first... but she'll get over it. You as her mom are the one who has to to make this a top priority now. FORBID the guy to come near her or your home. Forbid her to see him and if she insist call the police or the child authorities.

Children need guidelines and they need to know there are consequences for lying and sneaking around with an adult when she is still a minor. Who in the world knows what his intentions are? Read the newspapers, that will open your eyes and hers.

Remember folks, the OP is in the UK... US laws don't apply there.

In the UK the legal age of consent is 16.

Remember folks, the OP is in the UK....US laws don't apply there.

In the UK the legal age of consent is 16.




Thanks J... OOps I did it again... :D

It wasn't just you Kit. It seems most people assumed this was against the law.

You have not failed as a mom, kids will try and pull stuff no matter how good you are.
But, if you as a mom don't like this, you do have the right to say so.
I understand the laws are different where you are, but I'd still be upset with my daughter and this young man. I have a problem with that age difference.

If your daughter is really in love with him she could go into serious depression and do something stupid with herself if you separate them. ALSO BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR DAUGHTERS FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS.TAKE HER TO THERAPY AFTER. IF SHE REALLY LOVES HIM THIS WILL BE REALLY TOUGH FOR HER. IF YOU Don't WANT TO HER TO GO THROUGH THAT WITH YOUR PERMISSION SHE CAN DATE HIM.

You can't give in to your kids for fear they will be angry and depressed. She is just barely 16. She is infatuated and in lust. She may think she is in love. It may be legal where you are but she would certainly hear from me as would the young man about how angry and disappointed I am by their deception. What this young man did was wrong and I'm sure that is why it was kept a secret.

I don't know if you can ground someone at that age in the UK but I did my daughter at 16 here in the US. She was highly pissed,but she got over it.

I agree with QLPs reply in post #2. I would have commented on the post but I haven't yet worked out how to do so.
At 16 your Daughter is not underage, and in England male and female over 16 have equal rights so he could not be reported to the Authorities. I would do as QLP has suggested get to know him, don't make him the forbidden fruit, if you do then your Daughter will find him all the more attractive, it is better that you don't make a big thing out of it though, because in doing so you may just end up pushing them together.
Do talk to your Daughter about contraception and STDs. Trust your Daughter, listen to her and ask her to listen to you, become her friend and she will confide in you, Trust her, and Im sure you won't have any problems.
Treat her like a friend don't talk at her talk to her, she will be more inclined to listen if you do.

I agree with QLP & positive parents posts... I believe helping your daughter to trust you can be a best thing to do and let her know that you also trust her.

I would not allow my 16 year old daughter to date a 22 year old man- period.

If she were 18 or 19, and he was 22, I would likely advise her about protection, and most likely she would realize that he's a bum, and it wouldn't last long. I'd also encourage her to go on the pill.

But, a 16 year old with a 22 year old is too big a gap in maturity. Six years is just too big a difference, and that he is willing to keep it a secret, and not 'man up' to this relationship shows that he's also sneaky, and suspicious in his intent.

If the 22 year old has parents, I would speak to them. It may not do any good, but at least everybody is on the same page. Now that you know, so too should they.

Keep a closer eye on your daughter. 16 year olds are nowhere being adults, and capable of making adult decisions, particularly with men who are much older than they are.

Your daughter may be at the age of consent legally, but she is still your responsibility if she lives with you, and depends on you. Yes you should speak to the parents, if nothing else to make sure they are aware of what's going on, and your concerns.

Maybe it will get you a scoop on this guy, just so you are not completely in the dark as to his character, or intentions. Further is she still in school or is she able to support herself with a job.

If she is making adult decisions then she can pay adult consequences, and hard as that is for any parent, she has to live by adult rules, and responsibilities. And its your house, and YOU are the chief adult. So guess who makes the rules? Age of consent or NOT. Where is her father, and does he know about any of this?? I hardly think he would not be a valuable assistant in making a united front with you, but I won't swear to it, simply because you have not mentioned him.

Now if she wants to sneak around, and go behind your back for this fellow, then he, and his parents need to know who pays for a roof over her head, and if they don't like it, or the law, then they can pay her way. If the law says she can consent, and make her decisions, then give her the options to be an adult, or be YOUR child. Let her make a decision, but in no way do you support the one she is making now.

Sorry, I'm old school, and its my house, and whomever doesn't like my rules, can leave and get their own house. You will never stop being a parent, but you can never be a pushover in your own house.

What's with some parents, why don't you try trusting your Daughter, accept she's growing up and is almost an adult in all ways, and at 16 she's legal, in England all 16 yr olds are legal, we have equal rights here,

You say the guy is a bum, how do you know he is, plus what gives anyone the right to judge another, he may be a really nice person, so why not get to know him, give them a chance, and above all trust your Daughter whatever she is you created, whatever she decides you have taught her how to be who she is so if she makes errors then she learned that from you, live and let live.

Our children are not our possessions, they're people in their own right.

If you try to befriend your Daughter and learn to trust her, you'll probably find she will honour that trust, but by making a fuss over who she chooses to be friends with you are going to alienate her.

Also from what Ive seen here in UK many young girls are choosing to date older males, I am assuming the Father is not around, or something, and this is what is behind young girls choosing older males they're looking to replace the Father figure, it is happening all the time.

Don't you remember when you were young, we all of us rebelled in some way, and your Daughter is possibly doing just that and if you continue to make a big thing out of her seeing the boy next door then you are just going to send her right into his arms.

Please before you pass judgement get to know the facts, or you could end up losing your Daughters trust and you will end up very hurt and heartbroken, because you can bet your life she will choose him, because by making a fuss you are making the male more appealing, She needs trust and understanding not condemnation and hostiliy.

Try remembering how you were at the age of 16.

The problem as I see it is the deception on both their parts, the continued deception and disrespect.
He is 22 she is 16, she may be legal there but she is still 16 and he is still 22 living with his parents.

I would have a talk with his parents. Let them know how you feel about this relationship, see if they even know about it.
Yeah talk to your daughter, let her know what you expect, where boundaries are.
I lived at home until I got married ate 23. My mom had rules and I followed them up until the time I left home.
I don't care how "grown or adult" you are, until you are taking care of yourself, you are subject to the rules of where you are living.


Whats with some parents, why dont you try trusting your Daughter, accept shes growing up and is almost an adult in all ways, and at 16 shes legal, in England all 16 yr olds are legal, we have equal rights here,



Try remembering how you were at the age of 16.

She has already proven she can't be trusted. She had been sneaking around with this guy so she knows what she was doing was wrong at 15. She was trusted then, now mama knows what was up.

Is the mother still responsible for her 16 year old's actions there? Is she living in her mother's home, eating her mother's food?
She maybe legal but she is not grown and she needs to respect her mother's home.
A legal 16 is still a 16 year old and in my opinion has no business with a 22 year old man.
He has no business with her and he was messing with her before she was legal. That is enough to make a parent not trust him.

I do remember 16 and over active hormones so yes, there needs to be some boundaries.
I remember my daughter at 16 and there were boundaries.


positiveparent, I don't know why you saw fit to give me a reddie today from my post almost two weeks ago when you know I corrected my post after I found out the op was in the UK.
The advice was not incorrect based on the knowledge at the time.

Whats with some parents, why dont you try trusting your Daughter, accept shes growing up and is almost an adult in all ways, and at 16 shes legal, in England all 16 yr olds are legal, we have equal rights here,


Before YOU pass judgment on other people's answers maybe you should READ what the OP wrote. As others have pointed out, the OP stated that this man lazes around and lives off the state. That she tried to stop the relationship and they continued to sneak around. This man DEFIED the girls parents. What does that tell you about him?

You are making a lot of assumptions based on very little info. While it's certainly true, that kids are growing up sooner then they used to, that's not necessarily a good thing. A 22 yr old should be concerned with work and a career. A 16 yr old should be concerned with school. A 4 yr difference is not much, expect when one of the parties is an adult and the other a child.

There is of course another approach you could take, you could make your own home more appealing, by creating an environment of peace and tranquility, because I would think right now one reason your Daughter wants to go see this young man is to escape the hostility of her own home environment, she possibly feels you don't understand her or listen to her, and that the young Man does.

Try making her a friend, by treating her like one, take her to the movies once a week, have a girls night In, and let her choose what you both do on those nights IN, tell her about your own first love.

Let or encourage her to have her girlfriends over for a sleep in, that's 3 of 7 nights she will be occupied with thoughts other than those of the young man.

Go shopping with her, or window shopping, have girlie conversationas with her, and make sure you leave out the topic of her with the young Man.

Finds things to do with your Daughter that take her mind off the issues she has with you over her seeing this young Man.

Go around to your neighbour and find out what their views on it are, but don't go shouting to your Daughter that they too disagree with it. Or Agree with it.

Make any conversations you have with your Daughter be about anything other than heated disputes with her over her seeing him.

Perhaps you could compromise by say allowing her to see him but in your home, and stipulate a time that he is to go home by, this way you'll have more control, Allow her to see him in your home say 3 times a week, and explain to her that she also needs time to be with you or her girlfriends, family time. Etc etc.

I hope you can resolve these issues with your Daughter, I feel if you stop making anything of her seeing this young man, by doing the above or similar it'll probably fizzle out, she will grow out of him on her own accord, if he isn't made so appealing by being forbidden. Good Luck.

Before YOU pass judgment on other people's answers maybe you should READ what the OP wrote. As others have pointed out, the OP stated that this man lazes around and lives off the state. That she tried to stop the relationship and they continued to sneak around. This man DEFIED the girls parents. What does that tell you about him?

You are making a lot of assumptions based on very little info. While it's certainly true, that kids are growing up sooner then they used to, that's not necessarily a good thing. A 22 yr old should be concerned with work and a career. A 16 yr old should be concerned with school. A 4 yr difference is not much, expect when one of the parties is an adult and the other a child.

I was not making assumptions I was merely making a suggestion, I have read what the OP wrote, and no where in her post is there any mention of her having spoken to the young man in question, she has though passed judgement on him as being a bum, there is a huge amount of unemployment in UK it could be that he is unable to find employment.

Also in UK the kids leave school at age 16, college is optional.

HomeGirl:
positiveparent, I don't know why you saw fit to give me a reddie today from my post almost two weeks ago when you know I corrected my post after I found out the op was in the UK.
The advice was not incorrect based on the knowledge at the time.

In regards to the above taken from your earlier post I did not realise I had given you a "reddie" I do not know what a " reddie" is, and of course I accept that those who live in other countries do not know how we are in England, I apologise if I offended you it was not my intention to do so.

My Apologies for any offence caused sincerely.

As we have established there is no legal recourse. At 16 if your daughter decides to move out and live with the guy there is nothing you can do. Not everyone would agree that this is appropriate at this age but that's how it is. I remember reading about a young girl going to live with a 49 year old who had been her teacher and feeling sorry for the family: Girl of 16 moves in with her 49-year-old RE teacher then informs parents by email| News | This is London (http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-23435551-girl-of-16-moves-in-with-her-49-year-old-re-teacher-then-informs-parents-by-email.do)
I have included this to share a little bit with our non-Brit friends of how hard it is for parents of this age here.

You could try banning this but in practical terms how exactly would you ensure this was enforced? You can't exactly ground her forever. You already know that she will probably see him behind your back. In the UK, governmental lead and cultural shift has led to a generation of young people who are strong at demanding their rights and can sometimes be very difficult. Good things have come out of the increasing view that children should be heard and their views count but I do think it isn't properly balanced and adults' options for trying to discipline and protect children have diminished.

I can fully understand how frustrated you must feel. I can also understand where our lovely USA advisors are coming from. However I feel that in practical terms what would work in the USA simply wouldn't here.

We may feel that at 16 our children are children but the law and current culture puts them in an awkward half-way place where they have most, but not all, the rights of an adult but are still expected, though not required, to continue their eductation. Even when my son was 21 his university loans were based on our ability to help him financially even though we have no say in his actions as an adult. So we parents have to treat them like adults but support them like children. Not always ideal.

In some respects she is still your little girl. Your heart wants to protect her but you have to use your head. Since the things you might want to do will probably not work you have to find a compromise situtation.

If you take the 'not while you live unde my roof' stance then you run the risk of her deciding to move out. It is your choice whether you are willing to do so.

I can remember when my daughter was 16 how she felt much more adult than I considered her to be, but the law supports her and the media and cultural norms reinforce her view. I wasn't prepared to butt heads with her and push her away by trying to be as controlling so I had to get her on-side and treat her as an adult, get her to accept advice rather than rules, whilst at the same time she was financially dependent like a child. Not fair on us parents but it was much better than having her leave home in a huff and abandon her education. She's 21 now and she has turned out great.

Whatever you decide is the way forwards I wish you and your daughter well.

"adults' options for trying to discipline and protect children have diminished."

How very true that is here in Canada as well.

There is a general assumption that children should have more power and influence over their parents, to the point of control. Case in point- discipline. Too many toll free numbers, and too many well educated teenagers know exactly what to do to put the official heat down on their parents' heads when they do not wish to be disciplined.

It is devastating to be considered an abusive parent, or be accused of being abusive toward your teen, because you are left answering to the authorities, and you have no choice in the matter.

I still maintain that a parent is a parent. Not a buddy, not a girlfriend, nor a dictator or authoritarian to extremes.

We are talking about a woman who's question was, 'need help with a 16 year old daughter dating a 22 year old man', and it has been generally established that the parent does not think it is appropriate, and wishes to stop it if she can. She had already tried once.

That is her call, her decision, and her being a parent, doing what she thinks is in the best interest of her child. If what she wants to do is continue to guide her daughter, and avoid almost certain pitfalls and dangers with the child being in a relationship with a 22 year old man, who are we to say that cultural or any other difference means she can't do that, or that she won't be successful if she tries.

Not all 16 year olds are mature for their age, or cognizant of the meaning and intent of laws, or cultural norms. Not to say some aren't, but it is the mother's call on what to do about it.

It doesn't matter what country you are in.

I fully agree with almost all you say Jake.

I would however say that where you live does have some bearing on how successful different strategies are likely to be.

For example, here in the UK, not only do 16 year olds have the right to leave home but the benefit system works in such a way that I know many who have done so, who end up in subsidised housing and living on benefits without ever doing a day's work. That would simply not be an option in many countries. Also, teens get pregnant and get put to the top of the housing list as unmarried mums and are given a house and money, and in many cases those on benefits have more cash than the lower paid workers.

This might seem a bit off-topic but if the state rewards young people for doing what their parents don't want them to it does make things difficult. Throw in the fact that kids are practically told they run the whole show and free advice to make sure they get to know their rights and many of them do go off the rails since they are given all the freedom with little responsibility.

I can only give advice on what I have personally seen work or not but of course it is absolutely the OPs call. I'm not suggesting the guidance stops but that it is delivered in a way that is more likely to be accepted and taken on board by a child who has more power in this situation than might actually be good for her.

my 16 year old daughter is dating a 22 year old man he lives next door and he is a bum he has no job and doesn't even leave his house only to sign on to get his benefits she was dating him when she was 15 and i thought i put a stop to it and as soon as she went 16 in April this year they got back together she has been very sly i found out by coming home early and catching them kissing

Hi my name is clare and the same thing has happened to me, my daughter we found was in a relationship with a 26year old man we believed that both him and his aunty groomed our daughter over a period when she was as young as 14-15 and we attempted to stop this there was constant police involvement, social services and child protection, due to my concerns and during all this the man went out and sexually assaulted a 14 year old friend to our daughter he said make her jealous from this happening we thought that the relationship would end however he had manipulated my daughter for that long she has left home and is now living with him and his aunt.