My wife of two years and partner of seven has a very low to non-existent drive. I am the only one she has ever had sex with while I have had sex with two other women before her. The first year or so was fun as she was more into me playfully and passionately.

I'm afraid that she's settled due to not being pursued by other men before me. She doesn't know what's wrong, just keeps going to the generic answer, "I don't want it as much as you".

My favorite sexual memories of her are from intimate and passionate times of our first years together. And even them were few and far between, but I always saw potential in her. My thoughts were she needed to learn how to please and be pleased and would get better.

She knows everything I like, but she doesn't enjoy much. She doesn't like me to put my fingers in her, she rarely accepts oral sex from me. If I rub her she clenches her legs so tight my hand gets cramped. When we do have sex I like her on top or I stand on the side of the bed and enter her with her facing up or she'll be on her back with a pillow under her butt to raise her up so I can enter her and have good rhythm. The only thing she seems to be into is doggy style or missionary sex. I hate doggy. Really? I have to hate a position she REALLY likes? Yes! I'm a face, tit, vagina guy. I like to see what I'm doing. Enjoy the sites and sounds and admire my work while being able to look at her face. A back of the head and an does nothing for me. On the other hand missionary is boring and I can't admire much more than her face and maybe breasts depending on how I'm laying on her. Plus my wrists hurt after about ten minutes. :o

I've been extremely frustrated for years over this ONE subject. Even talked about how maybe we weren't right for each other, and joked about getting a hooker for my birthday from her. I know it's not the right way to go but at the same time I feel that way. Frustrations die after a night of sex but rears it's ugly over the next three, four, seven months.

I didn't want to be selfish as this really is the ONLY area we have problems. But I need sex a couple times a week. Hell I'd be happy right now with sex twice a month!

I've been down the path of trying to be understanding and nurturing but dammit it's frustrating that I don't get that kind of understanding in return. How hard is it to yearn for someone, enjoy their body, their touch and give/get pleasure?

We tried watching adult movies together. She doesn't like them because she doesn't like seeing another woman's vagina. Porn doesn't interest her.

We tried sex toys. She prefers to use them herself, by herself.

I tried buying her sexy outfits. She has worn each one once or twice over the past seven years. New ones get the same one wear treatment.

All my past relationships the sex was great, but then that was the only part of the relationship that was great.

I've even strayed once last year because a female co-worker I knew was fun, enjoyed my company, I enjoyed hers. We just hit it off and I ended up fingering her and kissing her throughout a night we were supposed to be working. Of course my wife doesn't know because she would be pissed and never recover from the fact that I strayed.

Did I feel bad? Yes and No. Yes, because I know it was wrong and my wife trusts me very much. No, because it's been a long while since I've gotten that kind of natural horny attention and the girl was a knockout that begged me to finger on a ride home which led to that and passionate kissing. I event stopped for condoms at a gas stations, she rubbed my a little but I couldn't get hard enough to have sex. I guess I felt a bit guilty going THAT far. Who knows?

I even get a kick out of looking at escort sites and wondering what it would be like to have a hooker come to my home while she's at work for an hour of $200 fun. Never did it, but I wonder. Probably won't because I don't want an STD. I just don't think I should be this friggin' desperate to get laid, get a blowjob or even a handjob when I have an attractive young (27yrs old) woman in MY bed every night. Who by the way tells me she loves me every morning and night.

We do talk about our feelings and frustrations, but then it goes back again to her not being that into sex. We go out to dinners and breakfast. I clean up around the house often. I cuddle her and give her massages when she wants. But this frustration of mine is making me push her away which then she pushes me away. It's a vicious cycle. I start thinking of not doing the nice stuff because she doesn't "deserve" it. My wife has become a great friend and roommate. :confused:

Anyway I wanted to share my story and if anyone has REAL advice for us let me know.

I have problems with your narrative, very possibly the same problems your wife is having concerning sex with you.

You saw great POTENTIAL in her?

You like to admire YOUR work?

You STRAYED and FINGERED a co-worker but you can explain why you did it?

You look at escort sites (presumably on the computer) and fantasize?

Her virginity was a CHALLENGE to you?

I see this as all about you - where do her needs/wants come into things?

I'm sure her intuition is telling her something and I'm sure your attitude carries over into the bedroom.

Sorry - I don't know or care which came first (your attitude or hers) but I have no sympathy for you and find you, at best, to be crude.

Has your wife been to the doctor to check her hormone levels?

Is she on birth control?

Has she ever TRULY enjoyed sex with you?

Is every single freaking step of intimacy a step toward bed for you, and not have merit on its own grounds? If I'm not in the mood for sex, I might be in the mood for kissing and cuddling--but not if I know that that's just an invitation to go further, rather than an enjoyable activity on its own.

Personally, I suggest a marriage counselor. You're both dug in, and you're not communicating on the same levels. You need to have someone help you each understand the other's point of view here.

If she was like this before you got married, why did you marry her? Do you have any children?

About the time that she started pulling away, did something happen like a health/pregnancy scare?

Did she try to tell you in the past what she likes and did you listen or did you decide that she should like what every other woman you have played with likes?

It sounds like she may be getting too much stimulation on her clitoris to be comfortable during 'fingering' or oral or even the positions you like. Has she tried to tell you anything like that in the past or directed you away from where you think you should be?

How much of your viewing habits does she know about? She may be feeling like she can't measure up so why should she try.

I think counseling might be a good place to begin. I think she may need a place where she feels safe and comfortable to work through what she needs in the relationship. I think there may be more issues in the relationship than maybe you are seeing or admitting to yourself.

I have problems with your narrative, very possibly the same problems your wife is having concerning sex with you.

You saw great POTENTIAL in her?

You like to admire YOUR work?

You STRAYED and FINGERED a co-worker but you can explain why you did it?

You look at escort sites (presumably on the computer) and fantasize?

I'm sure her intuition is telling her something and I'm sure your attitude carries over into the bedroom.

Sorry - I don't know or care which came first (your attitude or hers) but I have no sympathy for you and find you, at best, to be crude.
Comments like this are more likely to keep men from explaining themselves and opening up 100%. Life isn't all polite thoughts and cordial actions.

If expressing my feelings during a night of feeling extremely frustrated is crude then so be it. I'd like to call it desperately honest.

Potential? Yes. As we seek couples there are always qualities that one has that the other admires or sees "potential" in to provide as a life-long mate. I'm a good cook and have accepted the role that I'm the go to food preparer. There are qualities in me she knew I was good at.

Admiring Work? Yes. As a man it is a fact that we are visually stimulate. We even think like cavemen sometimes when it comes to the act of sex. I'm just stating my views on it. Here's another way to put it. I love to admire my wife from head to toe, look into her eyes, watch her moan, smile, bite her lip, lean her head back and read her pleasured body language while we're making love. I'm not being sarcastic that is what I like watching.

Strayed and Fingered Explained? Sure. There are reasons for every action. Justified or not, that is why I did it. Liquor was in the mix, but I don't want to blame that on my bad decision.

Escort Sites? Yup. At this point fantasies are fantasies. I think the escort sites are just something new I stumbled upon. The fantasy and turn-on here is maybe that they are local girls who talk dirty in their ads. It's a nice thing to hear when you're horny and frustrated sexually. As stated before I won't be calling them up anytime soon.

If she was like this before you got married, why did you marry her? Do you have any children?

About the time that she started pulling away, did something happen like a health/pregnancy scare?

Did she try to tell you in the past what she likes and did you listen or did you decide that she should like what every other woman you have played with likes?

It sounds like she may be getting too much stimulation on her clitoris to be comfortable during 'fingering' or oral or even the positions you like. Has she tried to tell you anything like that in the past or directed you away from where you think you should be?

How much of your viewing habits does she know about? She may be feeling like she can't measure up so why should she try.

I think counseling might be a good place to begin. I think she may need a place where she feels safe and comfortable to work through what she needs in the relationship. I think there may be more issues in the relationship than maybe you are seeing or admitting to yourself.

I married her because I love her. She is an amazing, caring, funny, loving woman. I hug her when she comes home, she kisses me goodbye and scratches my back every morning and we say we love each other, "I Love you...no, I love you...". The marriage is give and take. We are happy is mostly every area of the marriage except for "Sex, making love and being passionately playful".

No we don't have kids.

Her drive was always low. She has Colitis disease and it progressively got worse. During the last year. She had surgery to correct it earlier this year. Now I'm going to say this. I am understanding about her situation. I cater to her more than you may think. Not to get laid, not to get anything in return. I love her, but when we do have sex and she seems to enjoy it. She says she does. She says stuff like, "who do you wait so long, let's try to do it more" etc.

That's where the frustration builds. I know she was sick. I'm not trying to pull the clothes off someone who doesn't feel well. I know when a nice back rub/scratch, leg rub etc isn't the prelude to sex.

During the entire time we will have sex. But why is so infrequent?

We have talked about what she likes. When she masterbates she only applies stimulation to her clitoris and insertion with vibrators. She doesn't finger herself. She told me just doesn't do that. I guess she doesn't like it. With oral she really seems to enjoy. She could be an amazing actress but I take my time down there for her. I enjoy pleasing her. I just want the same kind of nurturing in return.

My original post was a haze of late night frustration. It was honest, crude and an insight to how I think when I'm extremely frustated. Today, I'm more tame. Have some errands to run, things to do.

But at the end of my me time. I get worked up being around my wife. She's adorable, sexy and I love her body. She knows that. I can't keep my hands off her sometimes. Please don't imagine me contastly pawing at her trying to get laid. That's not the case. We have a comfortable playful interaction where she receives much more attention than she gives.

Has your wife been to the doctor to check her hormone levels?

Is she on birth control?

Has she ever TRULY enjoyed sex with you?

Is every single freaking step of intimacy a step toward bed for you, and not have merit on its own grounds? If I'm not in the mood for sex, I might be in the mood for kissing and cuddling--but not if I know that that's just an invitation to go further, rather than an enjoyable activity on its own.

Personally, I suggest a marriage counselor. You're both dug in, and you're not communicating on the same levels. You need to have someone help you each understand the other's point of view here.

I don't think she's ever had her hormones checked. She has never been on birth control. And yes she has truly enjoyed sex with me. Not because I think so, but because we talk about the good and performances haha. She really liked it when I did this, this and that. I like it when she does that, that and this. A pretty open dialogue.

Not every touch or spoon position is about sex. I'm just ready for business about 300 days a year while she's ready 10. God forbid I'm not in the mood during one of her 10. Yes ladies and gentlemen I'm not a total sex freak. There are days when I'm not in the mood.

But if you do that math I spend over 290 days every year craving sex and being horny for my wife. When I get shut out every one of them times, I look for outlets. 99.9% of that outlet has been adult sites, movies, my own personal memories of her and others. The .1% came at the expense of a drunk girl. Sorry.

I married her because I love her. She is an amazing, caring, funny, loving woman. I hug her when she comes home, she kisses me goodbye and scratches my back every morning and we say we love each other, "I Love you...no, I love you...". The marriage is give and take. We are happy is mostly every area of the marriage except for "Sex, making love and being passionately playful".


This post sounds more like you do love and care about her. Problem is we can only go by what we are told and your original post sounded much more 'me' oriented. I am glad that isn't quite the case.

I don't know if her libido will ever be any higher. It may always be on the lower end.

How long has she been living with the Colitis including before diagnosis? Have you talked with her doctor about the effects of Colitis on her mentally and emotionally as well as physically? I know Depression can be an effect and Depression can affect the libido too.

I am wondering how much pain she has been in and not told you about with the Colitis. How much fear that intercourse might cause pain? When you actually have sex that fear may be put on the back burner, only to come back to a boil when she thinks about sex later or has a 'flare up'.

Does she know about your viewing habits? With being ill and the questionable sense of humor, she may be worried that she isn't or can't be like the escorts. That the escorts are 'local' would only make matters worse. It could be in her mind that you really would or have contacted one.

She should talk to her doctor about her hormone levels and medications.

A VERY large part of not being in the mood could that her hormones are out of whack--especially if her body is out of whack enough that she needs surgery. I know that when I needed surgery, I was in enough --well, not pain, but discomfort--that I really didn't want anything to do with my body--and didn't want anyone ELSE mucking about with it, either. Afterwards, my hormones were way off, to the point where I just really didn't enjoy ANY touching.

My husband has a much higher drive than I do normally--and it must have been hell for him while I was sick.

I do sympathize--but I really think the first thing that needs doing here is your wife seeing her doctor about it. The second thing is that you probably SHOULD see a counselor together. The acts of desperation you are thinking about are VERY unfair to your wife, and she should at least KNOW how bad it is for you. And your wife needs to try to get a handle on why her drive is so low--especially if her drive has changed since you have been together.

There are usually four sides to a story when it involves two people. On each side there is the selfish (which was first posted) and selfless (the day to day things want to do for each other). To lay out both so bluntly for this forum of strangers was easier than laying them out to her. I've been blunt with her but don't want her to feel inferior or not adequate. But I can't deny the fact that we both know that is kind of true when it comes to sexy, playful, pleasure time. We would benefit from a counselor's point of view.

We encourage each other to masterbate. We joke about what additional qualities to our own that we would love to see/have to be "perfect". She is sincere in these jokes. She knows what I like and I know what she likes. Mine are physical and hers are emotional. I don't like to "trap" myself with a wrong answer so I keep it simple and tell her she's perfect the way she is. It's all in fun and we accept that.

She knows I look at adult sites, dvds (always one in our bedroom dvd player. Not out of necessity, just don't really watch any other dvd movies upstairs), and Playboy magazines. She's accepted that and never made me feel bad for going that route. The escort sites are a bit different because it would be more concerning because these girls are local and more "attainable".

It's like talking about having a one night stand with a celebrity and agreeing about it. We all know there is a 1 in 1,000,000,000 chance of that happening. I get Jennifer Love Hewitt, while she gets Brad Pitt, right? But if I said a fantasy night with her best friend (which is not true, just an example) now that would be much more discerning. I get that and don't tell her about my fantasies of the more "attainable" vixens.

I appreciate the initial and follow up responses. If anyone has additional info let me know. Similar situations? What did you do? Etc, Experience from others mistakes will definitely help keep me from making more.