I have an adult son who has recently returned from college. Aside from a couple of online courses over this summer, he has met the graduation requirements and is done with his BA. Over the years he has acted in an abusive fashion towards me (outbursts, unreasonable demands, tantrums, etc.) and my wife of 31 years has acted as more of a mediator than someone standing with me to explain the rules to my son (act appropriately or find another place to live).

At times, he has made my life impossible and I've left for a hotel for a day or two to get out of the line of fire. My wife has acted as his enabler and has not pushed him to look for work. He sits in front of the TV all day and plays video games while I am off at work.

I have repeatedly told him he needs to act appropriately or must find another place to live. My wife refuses to back me up and typically takes his side. Since the house is jointly owned, can I somehow evict him even if my wife refuses to cooperate?

Another option is to leave the abusive son and enabling wife and pursue a divorce. This is an increasingly attractive option since I don't have a marriage to speak of in any case.

Any ideas?

Your wife needs to understand that she is doing your son no favor by allowing him to be a bum.She is doing him a great disservice.

She also needs to understand that your marriage is on the line because she refuses to be a strong mother who needs to use tough love to help her son grow.

She is either afraid he will stop loving her or she is afraid he will not be able to manage on his own.

Bottom line,this spoiled child she continues to enable will never be a healthy emotionally stable man unless she gets tough with her love.

Often the best thing we do for our children is force them to face reality and be accountable for them self.

Parents are responsible for teaching their children how to be independent intelligent adults.She is failing at that and you and your son are paying the price.

Tell her this and hopefully she will see the light.

Artlady,

You are preaching to the choir. Needless to say, I've said these things until I'm blue in the face. The problem is that personality-wise, they are very much alike.

You say he has a few courses to do over the summer to complete his degree. I presume that there have been no plans made by him to start looking for work, nor does your wife expect him to.

What this will likely boil down to if something doesn't change, is you will lose both your wife, and your son. I doubt that you can get through to her now, after so many years of allowing him to be so dependent.

Because he is a man now, I would tell him simply that you expect him to have a part time job by the end of June. And when the courses are done, you expect that he will have a place to move to, say September 1st, or whenever they are completed.

In private, I would tell your wife that (again) your expectations are realistic, achieveable, and more than fair. You have to be clear that if he is not gone, you will be.

Only then will she really think about what her future holds, and how she needs to respond. If she backs you up, it is a good thing for you, and a good thing for your son. If she still refuses to expect him to act his age and move out, then you have your answer.

After talking until you are blue in the face, tell him to get his dead azz out, and if his mama wants to take care of him, she can go to.

Harsh it is, but whomever doesn't like it can leave.

Only you know when you have had enough, but if you have to stand up to them both... so be it!!

I only say this because you have exhausted all other avenues of resolution. Hopefully you have been honest about that.

Your only other option is to let them succeed or fail on their own devices. That requires you to back away from your own son. And ignore them and do your own thing.

To bad you and your wife cannot be on the same page, that would be the best solution.

Yep, tell him to get out and tell her to get out also if she does not like it, If you stand up to her, she may be surprised and back down.

At some point I have to say you have to go to the mat no matter what the outcome.

Go for the divorce. Life is too short and this has to stop NOW. Let me tell you a story...

My family was similar to this. My older brother ruled the entire household, never followed a single rule, and like your son, was also abusive to his parents. After he finished university he never moved out, never worked a day in his life. When it became evident he had no intention of getting a job or moving out, my father would try to take the hard line with him (which they had not done enough in his formative years)... and then my mother would negate everything he said by sticking up for my brother.

At 28, my brother had not yet gotten a job and was still living at home. My father died that year, and for a short while he thought he might finally have to get a job - but then he realized my mom had enough money to survive, so he just continued living at home with my mom, watching TV and not getting a job.

Fast forward 8 years, and he was still living at home, still had not gotten a job, at age 36.

My mother died that year, and being as he was 36 and had never worked a day in his life, it was quite difficult for him to now get a job. He did finally get a couple of short term jobs for the first time in his life, but not being used to work, they only lasted a few weeks. He then gave up on the job front. As he had inherited the house and my mom's RRSP, he has actually been able to survive for the last years by living extremely simply.

He is now 44 and still has no job. But this cannot last much longer as my mom's money will soon run out. And a 44 year old with a blank resume is not very saleable.

My mother did him no favours by enabling him. I know that divorce may sound like an extreme solution to some, but honestly, if it is the only way to avoid you fast forwarding 16 years to a son who never learned to stand on his own (or respect his parents), it will have been worth it. If your wife is like my mother (head in the sand), then my guess is this may be your only way to fix things. Please don't make the same mistakes my parents did. It does no one a favour, and it's not healthy. Not for yourself, and also not for your son.

I wish you all the best as you hopefully manage to do what you need to get all of you out of this situation.