My upbringing in my childhood years was hurtful from my Mom, saying things like “I wish you were never born”,“you were adopted”, “why can’t you be more like your brother” (8 years older), “why can you be more like ____” (a family friend’s child who was the same age). She claims she was a “good” mother, but any Mother who can say hurtful things like that, isn’t really a good Mother. It is obvious that I was a mistake….and she was there to remind me of it. SHE NEVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO MY BROTHER….it was apparent growing up that she favored my brother over me. I vowed that I would never treat my children that way (I now have 4, all in their twenties) and I never did….you can crawl out of the quagmire if one chooses. Over 35 years ago, my only brother (8 years senior) was married to an overbearing woman, who demanded at that time “she will get married whenever and wherever she wants” and really had no consideration for our friends and family who may have wanted to attend the wedding at a church (she wanted to get married on a Friday by a Justice of the Peace). We suggested a Saturday, of which she flatly refused. This caused a lot of tension between my parents and her (and my brother)….this was the beginning of not so beautiful relationship. A few years later I married, and my wife and I started a family. It was around this time that my brother and his wife did not have any contact with my parents. Yet once a child was born to them, my parents welcomed them back – their first grandchild. I attempted to have a relationship with my brother, but his wife interfered with it (not inviting us to any family get togethers…however HER side of the family was always invited). For the next several years, we always had to invite ourselves to their kid’s birthday parties, and we would have to contact them to invite them to our kid’s birthday parties….. basically a one way street. I stopped phoning them one time to invite ourselves to THEIR kid’s birthday party….and they never phoned again. After having been married and having 4 children, I lost my job after 23 years, and decided to go into business (with the blessing of the bank). I asked my brother, who is a Charted Accountant, to look over the books of this business I was going to buy….he never got back to me, but I went ahead anyway. Due to unforeseen circumstances, two years later, we went into bankruptcy, and we had to go into rental housing to accommodate our family. (NOTE: My brother keeps criticizing my decision to go into business, blaming me for the bankruptcy and that I was over my head….this was far from the truth, however he never gave me any advice as I asked him BEFORE I went into business. He also has stated that no one should help me out of my dilemma). Around this time, my Dad passed away. My brother’s wife’s true colors came out, saying some hurtful things to my Mom and had no regard to what my Mom was going through at the time. Then the rental house (after 3 years) was being sold and we had to vacate, my Mom offered to help us out with purchasing another home via taking out a mortgage on her home. I accepted (ensuring that the mortgage that she took out was enough to cover her expenses for one year, giving her enough time to sell her home and payback the mortgage she took out). Then she changed her mind after a year, and had to borrow money from other friends to lessen the monthly payments. After my brother and wife snooped around her bank book (while she was in the hospital on one occasion), they confronted my Mom asking “why did you loan so much” and “did they need so much money”. It was really none of their business. Also, after my Mom helped us out she figured she “owned” me, or that I “owed” her for anything that I had to do in her (going shopping, running errands etc). I feel that I don’t owe her anything, directly due to the upbringing I received from her, but she has always given some money to us with strings attached….I should have learned. When my older brother found out about the “helping out” that my Mom did, and he and his wife accused me of taking advantage of my Mom, not leaving enough in her bank to take care of her – my brother’s wife has also said that she has NO respect for me. I did not take advantage of my Mom….It so far from the truth, and really none of my brother’s or his wife’s business. But the point to this….I received my brother’s OK when my Mom offered to help us out, ensuring his share of the inheritance would be in place, but he has conveniently forgotten this (especially in front of his overbearing and controlling wife). Now, every time that my brother sees my Mom, both he and his wife badmouth me, and my Mom does nothing to defend me…all she cares about is the amount of help she can get from my brother and his wife….not what’s right or wrong…and my Mom constantly compares my wife to my brother’s wife….how my brothers wife is a hard worker, good mother, yet forgets what ill treatment she received from her….. my Mom is more interested in how much help she receives from my brother and his wife. Just to let you know…my Mom, although mentally fit, her physical abilities to walk without assistance is non-existent, and requires a barrage of social workers coming to her home on a daily basis. To summarize: My Mom is self centered, and really only cares about who is around to help her. She will not defend me in front of my brother and wife, criticizes my wife for the lack of help she gives to my Mom. She feels that any money that was given to me and my family over the years requires a devoting to helping her out whenever she feels the need. Again…so many strings attached….never really out of the goodness of her heart. She regrets loaning the money to help purchase our home, as it has caused an unnecessary riff between her and my brother….it seems to me that she still favors my brother over me. I think my next step should be to totally give up on my Mom and brother, and carry on with my life without them. I have given up on my brother…both him and his wife has said they don’t want anything to do with me or my family….and this was before the “helping out” was discovered. Here is an example of how cruel she can be: To give you an example of how cruel she can be... last Mother's Day, I brought some flowers and a card... she complained about the card, saying that it was "too small". Later that evening, she phoned our home, and wished my wife "Happy Mother's Day", and when my wife said "And the same to you", she then stated that it was "better late than never", and then proceeded to give my wife hell for not phoning her! That was the only reason that she called... just to raise a stink! I have recently confronted my Mom in regards to the hurtful things that she has said, and has claimed that she never said that…and she then said that she wants nothing to do with me anymore. I then stated that she should call me if she wishes to continue a relationship….it has been three weeks, and no call. I have sent her a Mother’s Day card, hoping that may get her to call….. I really don’t think that will happen. I really would like to carry on a relationship, but I truly don't believe a love for a Mother is unconditional. I really would like to give up on her totally!
What is your opinion of this whole mess?

When your mother took a mortgage on her home in order to buy a home for you and your family, and after a year decided to stay in her home, thus no longer being able to maintain expenses, it seems to me that she was at a distinct disadvantage.

She was quite generous in buying you a home, especially at a time when you were going through bankruptcy, and unemployed, with a wife and four kids in tow.

I could be wrong here, but I get the impression that you somehow feel entitled to this gift of a mortgage, and balance that with saying your brother will get his share when she dies.

Further, you go back to your childhood to bring up all the rotten things she did saying she was a bad mother and favoured your brother. You have four children that are adults in their 20's, isn't it time to get over your childhood as an excuse for... what exactly? Accepting this home from her, and feeling like you no longer have to repay the debt because she gave more generously to your brother, and you deserve this huge gift?

Are you making an effort to assist your mother financially now that she needs help? Had she not mortgaged her own home to buy yours, she would not need to ask your brother and his wife of 35 years for assistance. Could that be an additional problem caused by the arrangement for the house that you had with your mother?

You'll have to excuse me for reading between the lines trying to make sense out of this. While you had a rotten childhood, and you are not welcomed very warmly by your brother and his wife, and you lost your job which is never an easy position to be in, and the bankruptcy, I can see where all of this would be playing on your mind.

But, where does your responsibility fit in, other than the odd card on Mother's Day. Not that that isn't a nice thing to do, but I think the issues are far bigger than you take any responsibility for.

What has gone wrong- now- not decades ago, but now- that still has you feeling so resentful and hurt over the way you are treated.

Are you in a position now where you are able to start to make some ammends with your mother by letting go of the past and moving forward?

While she may be elderly, she's not dead yet. You may wish to put your needs more in perspective to hers, and take advantage of the time she does have left, to build some bridges, and make a better effort to live in the here and now.

I hope that you will post more, in pariticular with how you balance this all out with what has been given. I may be wrong as I said, but I see this escalation in family angst after the house was bought by you.