I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. Mostly we have been extremely happy, although he claims the last 6 months have been rocky. He recently bought a house and was as excited as I was about me moving in with him. Then as the date to move in got closer he started suggesting that he live on his own for 2 weeks and I can slowly bring my things over.

However now that the place has been carpeted and painted and ready to move in, he has suddenly changed his mind, and 5 weeks later is still requesting that we make sure we "gel" before I move in. I know I am an emotional person, so I can overreact to this statement. But I still feel that after 4 years of being together we should know if we "gel" enough for our relationship to be taken to the next step. I have on many occasions broken down in front of him over this, telling him how degraded and unloved I feel not to mention embarrassed that my boyfriend can't decide if he is ready for me to move in with him. I have told him that I will not sleep over through the week as I am refusing to live out of my car so I only stay weekends. He hasn't given any reasons for not wanting me to live with him other than he is a logical person and I am an emotional person, and he sees that he doesn't want me to move my stuff in (which would only be a carload anyway) if we don't work and I have to move it all out again. I think this is a pathetic reason and have told him that playing house on the weekend is not going to answer that question for him seen as we aren't living in the real world. Last week I told him (and I know this is really low of me... ) that I am giving him a month, and in that month he needs to think about this relationship and where he wants it to go and we can talk about it then, but if after that month, if he still isn't ready after 2 months total for me to move in then I am walking away. He said that was a fair enough call... which only confuses the hell out of me! Then just this weekend, I had another break down, and told him I feel like I am going camping every weekend and I am sick of cramming my weekend into a canvas bag, and he said well why don't you start leaving stuff here. We also had a fight about our relationship because I have lost so much from it. I have always been a bubbly person and had a great circle of friends. Now my friends don't even invite me out anymore and I feel like inside my spark has gone and I have lost that bubbly personality that I have always had. I love him, and I am OK with these changes because I want to spend my life with him, but I won't be so OK with these changes if this is how my life is going to be. I feel like I should be planning my wedding with him, and not crying over him not wanting me to move in. I finished uni last year and scored a great job just recently, I am 22 and he is 27. I really feel that now is the time we should be planning our future and I am sick of going through these vicious cycles of fighting over the same thing. We fight because I want to move in, and that in turn makes him even more scared of me moving in because things aren't working, but things aren't working because I am tired of waiting for him to ask me to move in!

I would really like some perspective on this, particular from other guys or logical people! I know I am so emotional and I also know sometimes I am so busy looking for flaws and for the bad things that I miss the reality... Is he being uncommitted towards our relationship? Should I just do what he said and start leaving things there, till it gets to the point where I am just living there? I really feel like that is not how I planned it... I would have loved it to be from his heart telling me he wants me to be a permanent fixture in his life. But once again I know that is my emotions!

Here is what I would do: Stay out of his life, and, if I talk with him, keep things non-committal and don't discuss the relationship at all. If I couldn't do that, then I wouldn't talk with him at all -- just tell him I'm real busy right now.

Then I would recapture my friends and get busy with my new job and rebuild my life -- read books, do crossword puzzles, bake cookies, pet cute little dogs, sing while I'm walking to my car, buy some new clothes. If he wants to come over to eat some of those cookies, fine, but no discussion of personal stuff. None. Nada. I'd tell him about the books I'm reading, let him help me with a crossword or jigsaw puzzle, show off my new clothes. But No. Relationship. Conversation. None.

Can you do that?

***ADDED***Isn't the "next step" marriage -- after four years? It sure would be for me.

I completely agree with that, but the thing is, I feel like if I play those mind games he will just back off himself. He is not a mind games person, he doesn't like it when I play them with him... Plus I already told him that I wouldn't talk about moving in last week and that went terribly. I broke it within a week! I feel like I need the confrontation but when I do confront him I am not getting an answer.

I also think what you said was right. I need to rebuild my life and start it with or without him, at least take him off the top of my priority list. I have started to rebuild my life... I just joined the gym, I am going out with my friends more, and I am seeing my family more, which is making it easier at least for me...

I completely agree with that, but the thing is, I feel like if I play those mind games he will just back off himself.
I had no intention of making that a mind game. I am totally serious. Get your life back. If he can't be in it honestly, he might be able to be on the fringes. My real advice would have been to just do No Contact, but I didn't think you would go for that.

I also think what you said was right. I need to rebuild my life and start it with or without him, at least take him off the top of my priority list. I have started to rebuild my life... I just joined the gym, I am going out with my friends more, and I am seeing my family more, which is making it easier at least for me...
Good for you! You're already on the right path!

Sorry, but I don't see marriage and happy ever after happening here.

This guy is talking with his actions - he doesn't want you to move in. He has doubts about you and your personality and keeps stalling about your future.

Why would you want to stay with (and marry?) someone that refuses to have you in his life - he seems to just want to shag you at weekends...

If you're giving so much to this relationship that you've lost yourself, then he's NOT the person for you, and you need to reconsider your actions. Why do you think it would be any better if you lived together or were married?

You're only 22 - the future is a long time - I agree with WonderGirl, time to get a life and enjoy it - there doesn't seem to be much joy in your current relationship!

I am glad you are seeing the reality of your situation, that he isn't as interested as you are and doesn't want what you want.

That's as fair as it gets and your very clear signal to stop expecting him to give you what you want. He ain't the one, so look elsewhere, and let someone else play house for the weekends.

He has lead you on for 4 years already, (his actions are very clear on that) and enough, is enough.


He recently bought a house and was as excited as I was about me moving in with him. Then as the date to move in got closer he started suggesting that he live on his own for 2 weeks and I can slowly bring my things over.
If he hasn't been ready for 4 years, I doubt he seriously will be. Now you could do it his way, and move in slowly until you never leave, but its his house you will be helping him pay for, and that's NOT a heartfelt commitment for the future in my eyes.

You need a very clean break from all of this.

I have just been going through the same thing this week with my boyfriend of 3 years. He has had a least a dozen reasons we can live together in 5 years but not now. It boils down to he wants to have his cake and eat it to for the next 5 years, then make a commitment. 2 days ago I told him we need to stop seeing each other so I could be free to be open to meeting someone who wants the same things in life that I do. I love him with all my heart, but I know that will not make him want the same things that I want in life. If I chose to accept his excuses, then I am choosing to live in a situation where happiness is fleeting at best. So I am choosing to accept his excuses for what they are. A way to avoid a commitment to me. And accept that he does not love me "enough". It's time to go, even if its through a little hell. End of Story.

One of the first things you mentioned was 'taking the next step' which to me usually means going from boyfriend girlfriend to engagement then marriage.

Before he bought the house, were you both maintaining separate residences?

I don't like to say this, but to me it is obvious that he considers you a girlfriend at best, but you consider him your lifelong partner, and that somehow he is obligated to share his home with you.

Having been with him for 4 years does not entitle you to a share in his assets. You need to get yourself your own place now that you have landed a good job.

You sound very needy to me. That your happiness is based entirely on him, and you allow yourself to be this puppet on a string, depending upon when he may or may not invite you to live with him.

Where is your pride. He is doing nothing to you that you are not allowing. He has told you that he thought the relationship was rocky the last six months, but you don't see it that way.

He doesn't owe you anything. He's your boyfriend who is hedging on allowing you to move in, then changing his mind as often as he changes his socks. He might be a , but you picked him.

Get a little more independent in your thinking. Get your own place, meet up with your old friends again, get your head on straight and stop begging him to essentially make a life with you forever.

My impression is that as the relationship appears to be dying, you are trying harder and harder to keep it alive. Might be time to think that the relationship is over.

I would say tha you should make your own space and keep it, he may want to come over or not, but don't show up at his place every weekend, even with a long relationship he should be inviting you over not assuming you will just show up since that will just fuil his unwillingness to let you in.

My boyfriend of 7 years is now 60 and a total commitment phobe. Anytime I raise this stuff he freaks and does something to trash me or the relationship. I have given up. My antennae are out for something better and more real but I keep him alongside when it suits me. He will never get my heart now as he doesn't want me, warts and all, he just wants a life where he can do as he pleases and doesn't have to take care of me properly or sacrifice anything. Several girls fell by the wayside along his life, all of them lovely and he kept creating reasons for not living with them or marrying them. He even aborted children that got conceived along the way saying it wasn't the right time.
Take a big step back from this type of guy. I am living proof that it will never ever be any different and even if you trick or persuade him, his heart won't be in it so you are wasting your time. Its not you, its him.