Threads merged

My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost 3 years. Hes a sweet guy and would do anything for me. The problem I have is when he's with me he doesn't want to do anything just stay home and watch a dvd. I have to ask him to go somewhere with me. Or if he does want to go out he wants to go to the same restaurant every time or to the movies which is once in a blue moon when I have complained.

I asked him if he would go on short holiday with me but his response was I cant, I don't have the money id said I pay but he said 'when I go away with you I want to pay for both of us'. I kept trying to get him to come cause I had time off work organised and it was only a few days he had to take off which he could do easily. Two weeks later he is telling me he's going to go away with friends for the weekend. Naturally I kicked up a stink and he decided hed come away with me as well as going with his friends.

If I say lets go here hed say 'nah I don't want to. I just want to stay home' and all we'd do that night is watch a dvd. But when a friend ask him out he gets all excited and wants to go. Its not because I ask him to do boring things. Ive never asked him to do anything like a walk on the beach or anything he would call boring. I have asked him to go places he likes.

I have bought this issue up to him a few times and every time he starts to get better for a month then again it dies down. Lately I've been asking him to go somewhere on this day, he said he'd see... then makes plans with friends.

I have asked him why he doesn't want to go anywhere with me but is perfectly fine to go everywhere with his friends and his reply was... You ask me out on the days I don't feel like going out. When I said how come every time your friends ask it's the day you want to go out? He didn't have an answer.

Once when I bought this up he said I was asking too much of him. Is asking your boyfriend to go somewhere with you every now and then asking too much from him? Please give me your opinion. Because I don't think it is but maybe I'm wrong.

This is my first and only boyfriend and I know he loves me it just I don't know what makes him not want to go anywhere with me. Any advice would be great thank you.

If he can't discuss what you,guite reasonably,see as problems, and, as he doesn't seem to be putting much effort into this relationship, I think you should seriously consider whether you should stay together.

I think this relationship has run its course.

If he's not prepared to make an effort and to make compromises for you and the relationship, then he doesn't love you enough.

Relationships should be fun - you want to have a good time but he doesn't want to go out with you, and to add insult to injury makes lame excuses.

Sounds like he doesn't like you enough and that he doesn't have a good time when he's with you.

This is your first BF. I suspect he won't be your last. Get another BF?

I don't blame you - you should be ticked off.

I'm sorry, but if he won't put forth any effort at all, there's nothing you can do to change him.

I think it's time to move on. Life's too short to waste it!

If he's no longer willing to put in the effort to maintain a healthy relationship, then it doesn't sound like he's as interested in you anymore.

Why doesn't he break up with you? You might ask. Well, that's because you've created such a comfortable home for him. He has his fun with his friends and comes home to a comfortable environment. No wonder he wants to stay at home, he's so comfortable there.

Sit him down and try to work it out. If he's not willing to put in the effort that you deserve, then show him the door. There's no reason for you to be the only one compromising and getting the short end of the relationship.

You have two options, you can leave him at home and enjoy yourself with your own friends or activities.

Leave the guy, and enjoy yourself with friends, and activities while you get over the first, and get ready for the second.

Either one will make you feel better. So what's it going to be?

Well I have spoken to him.

I broke it off with him. I told him I have given him chances to make things better but he hasn't. I let it all go.

Then he cried. Ive only ever seen him cry once like this before and that was because his pop died. I tried the best I could to calm him down. He kept saying 'I don't want to loose you I can't loose you.. So I told him we could be friends and id always be there for him.

I left his house drove home and the tears came. By the time I got home (7 min drive) I had 5 msm from him.. I read them but didn't reply.

At work today I get a delivery of roses with a card that says please meet me at... at 7 pm. It's a park near the area which is quite nice has a pond. We had our first date there.

What do I do? Naturally I want to go because I love him and don't really want to let him go. But he's never done this for me before.

What does it mean?

Too little,too late?

Do you seriously want to work this out?

And does he?

I think you have given him enough chances.

I think he simply started taking you for granted and you just gave him an almighty kick up the backside.

Thing is, there's no guarantee that he won't slip back into his old ways again.

If you want to give him another try you have to take the risk that it might happen again. If you do so, you also need to insist that you both seriously communicate about what went wrong and what will stop it happening again. If you do meet up the communication has to start properly now, not after he gets you back where he wants you.

It comes down to which would be worse for you, walking away and wondering if it could have worked, or trying again with the possibility he won't keep it up and you will have to suffer the break-up again.

I wish you well whatever you decide.

Only you can know if the possibility of him changing for the better, or is he just wanting you back for the same old thing, is worth the risk or not.

You do seem to have his attention, but will he take things seriously enough to work with you better through honest communications, that remains to be seen.

Your risk to take.

Now that he's pushed against the corner, he's pulling out all the trump cards.

The questions is, if you give him a chance to redeem himself, is he going to go back to his old ways?

He had 3 years to make it right, do you really think that he has it in him to make the changes that you want? It's not an easy decision to make, but think about the possible consequences:

1) If you give him another chance and he improves, then you both win.

2) If he doesn't come through after giving him another chance, then you break up again. He gets pushed into the corner again, and do we go through the whole cycle again?

Your choice.

I always think it best before a big decision, to step back and let the emotional dust settle. Decisions are best made with a clear head and conscious. Maybe meeting him at his time may not be wise, and should be when your more ready to be less emotional.

You could always thank him for the flowers, and suggest another time to meet, that is more to your liking.

Then maybe you won't melt when you see him. Just another option.

Threads merged

Hi I would like ideas on something I can buy or make my boyfriend for our 3 years together. I want to make it something special that will mean something to him. We have had our ups and downs but the last years have been the best years of my life so far.

I have given him a watch, clothes, photo album of us which I keep adding to as time goes by, and iPod which I had engraved and other little things. I want to know what I can give him that will be special to him and something that he could keep even if we break up. (we plan to stay friends if we can after we break up)

Thanks

Well you should get him something really useful like a GPS system for his car. They never fail to impress. Kind of expensive though. I love the digital camera that my now ex gave me, she bought me a Kayak (that I never seen but still want really bad lol), and I think something big and useful is a really great idea.

Like what is he in to? Computers, outdoors, travel?

He is into basketball. But I've already bought him the expensive balls and his favourite team (lakers) clothes and shoes. He doesn't need a gps. He doesn't go anywhere to need one plus I have one. I wanted to give Jim something meaning full. Not just everyday things which I have gotten him so many times before

I'd personally go for something different instead of just buying someone something.

For instance, should've my ex not broken up with me, I would have been dressed like Frank Sinatra singing "Fly me to the moon" at her window the night before our anniversary.

Seriously, try something different, it'll mean more to him than a random gift.

Lol I play dress up all the time. I used to dance so have a lot of outfits. So when he comes over we sometimes muck around with the outfits. We act like idiots to make each other laugh ( he usually goes for the wigs or hates). And I have done the whole sexy costume too. He's a spoilt boy lol.

Aimee, I went back over your other thread about him to see if any ideas would stand out. How is the relationship really going at this moment? On April 30, it seemed to be in big trouble (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/why-does-boyfriend-go-out-his-friends-but-not-me-467781.html). It may seem unfair to bring it up, but I want to be certain that he isn't with you just for the gifts.

IF you are back together and things are being worked out with both of you participating, how about doing something you would both enjoy and would help strengthen your relationship? Maybe with a 'keepsake' gift that goes along with the experience.

I'm assuming you took him back.
How did you go from the way things were to this being the best three years of your life?
Don't fall back into the old pattern of you doing all of the work. What has he done for you in this last few weeks?
Take him to dinner and a movie.

This answer is simple. He's acting exactly how I acted with my ex girlfriend. He's taking you for granted, he's thinking to himself you're always going to be there for him, he thinks he can do what he wants and doesn't need to show you affection or treat you like a princess, he's relieing on you far too much.

Simple answer, shock him. Tell him it's over and go NC for a few days - see what he does then.

My ex broke up with me for being controlling, and losing affection (I think), and I'm trying so hard to get back with her still and it's been nearly 3 months. She's got so much power over me her going NC etc, but yeah anyway I was so shocked and now I realise if I had her back I'd treat her so very well, so maybe you do the same?

Shock him. :)

LostWithoutHer, did you read the whole thread? She is now asking for advice on a gift to get him for their anniversary. It's a merged thread. :)

I know I sound silly talking like I do. But its true Even though he didn't take me out I we still had our fun days.

He has been doing all the work. He has taken me out every day basically since. He is the one trying to keep me.

When I say I give him gifts Doesn't mean he doesn't give them back. He has spent more money on me than I have with him. He is a giving person.

He says he Knows what he did wrong and he didn't mean to hurt me.

He is fixing things and he knows this is his last chance. He has planned a holiday for us to go see his family in NZ in 3 months time. I have never met them and he is paying for the whole trip.

I know he could go back to the old him. But he has never tried this much before. He really is trying to make me happy and its working.

I know I may end up hurt but it feels right for now.

Good luck - I hope he truly has learned his lesson and you two live happily ever after! :)

I feel the same way rigth now.. my boyfriend just spent going out to "fun" things w/ his friends and we spent the day home watching t.v. that's fine and all but why he did the fun things w/ his friends and left me out... I just feel left out and kicked off the side w/ this whole thing.. I want him 2 have friends and a life outside of me but dam he spend Friday sat sun nigth and Monday all day w/ his friends out having a blast and during the day he was all tyred to actually do things other than relax so he could go hang out at nigth... I know he loves me too but feeling like this also isn't good... my advice is exactly what I'm going to do now... I'm just going to talk to him and c what he says... depending on his answer I'll take it from there.. even though I'm deeply in love with him... I matter more than us (pride issues)... and certain things I will not take... so I have no problem with letting him go

Then let him go. What is the point of holding on to a relationship you are not happy in?
He is not the only guy in the world.

Wow, this is exactly my situation too!
I constantly kept saying to myself that I did'nt want to be one of those *****y girlfriends who never let their partner go out with his mates. I don't mind if you need to have 'man time' with your friends, just not every single Friday/Saturday night please!
I confronted my boyfriend of 3 years about his behavior. I tried hard to avoid directly blaming him but I stated how his actions made me feel and suggested how we can improve the relationship together. It worked... for a few months.
Now every time I bring it up its either I get a big sappy apology or get called a nagger/control freak... which I exactly wanted to avoid turning into!
Every Friday (and occasionally Saturday) night its 'guy time' out in the clubs and consequently, by the time Saturday night rolls around he is usually too hungover or poor to make any sort of formal effort so our time together is spent stuck indoors.
And that's when the arguments start e.g.. He thinks that just because we are sitting in the same room means we are spending quality time together and I admit that I am usually too pissed off by this stage to make any sort of effort. It's a lose/lose situation.
Seriously though. How much friend time is too much? His friends are always drinking out in town because they are single.They moved back to the state at the start of the year and its been a constant point of argument for us. I don't want to throw away 3 years together because of this but with every passing weekend I think the light fades a little more.
Who knows... anyway, I will finally be graduating from uni at the end of the year so I expect to experience some big changes in the near future and hopefully everything will fall into place!

I have the same problem with my boyfriend. All he ever wants to do is stay home and watch television in his basement and kiss. Whenever we go out he always has to have his friends with us, never just me and him. It's very frustrating . He says that he loves me and we've been together for almost a year now, we haven't had sex yet so I don't think he's just in it to get some. I don't know what to do... anyone else have some advice?