Ok, I'm new to all this and it will be my first ever online post for "help"
This story could be quite long, so I apologise if I veer away from the subject from time to time.

To give you a little background on us:
I moved to China, Beijing about 3 yeas ago and I was working in a club, within the space of 6 months I met this lovely girl. We were extremely attracted to each other and she moved in only after days of us meeting. At first the language barrier was quite a big thing, but in time her english improved and our main speaking language at home was English.

After a few months I had met her parents and they were great. I never really had a father figure around during my childhood and her dad was always very helpful.

I then needed to go back to Australia as my visa wouldn't let me stay any further, during this time she had to move back home to her mothers city to wait for me to finish her Visa so she could come over. Unfortunately her visa was refused twice and we were having a lot of problems with the distance thing. It was OK for the first month contact each other on skype / msn etc etc. But after that she wanted to break it off with me. I told her that I would go back to find her. So within the space of 2 months I was back in China and we met up in the city ShenZhen. We then travelled together to her hometown to stay at her mothers apartment (her mother was out of town looking after her business).

Since then we had been together for a while, and we would always talk about marriage and how we could get her visa done so that we didn't have to be apart like that anymore. She made me promise her not to leave her alone like that in future.

As time went by, we of course had the small argument here and there as all couples do, but our arguments only usually last an hour or to before one or the other apologises and a good ol hug and kiss fixes things.

It was coming to Xmas time and I wanted to come back to Australia to meet with my mother and friends, so we applied for her 3 month tourist visa and it was granted. We came to Australia (we had to stay with my mother as my house was being rented out) and she was great with my mother and got along with my friends. After some time she started to get annoyed, and started complaining that my mother wasn't very clean and her dog (which she keeps inside) loses so much hair and stinks. I would have to agree with her on those things but I just felt like she was "attacking" my family and should have found a better way to voice her opinion. This problem caused a few major arguments, to the point where I thought I couldn't take this anymore.
(sorry forgot to tell you that she is 19 at this stage and I have already turned 28) So I know sometimes she can be a little immature. Anyhoo, as per usual we worked things out.

AFter the 3 months was up, we had to go back to China, a few days before leaving, the tenant renting my home explained that he was needing to move out. So I only had a few days to get everything ready and that rental home was sort of our income while we were over in China. The place needed some paining done and things like that, I was going to leave it with an agent, but it was going to cost us a fair bit to get it up to scratch.

So we are back in China now and she is always telling me how she knows that my mum will call soon enough to ask me to go back to Australia, this was hurting. We did have some money saved up, but because the house was empty, there was no income. After a couple weeks my mother called me explaining that there was a couple of guys that wanted to move in, and agreed to fix the place up for a cheaper amount of rent. Which was great.

Now one of the problems with her age is that she was never really into doing any house work. She doesn't work and doesn't study. I never really expected much from her, I only ever asked her to help me around the house and explained that I would marry her once she had "picked up her game" so to speak. At this point we had a good chat and both agreed that for us to have a better life together in future, it was best that I go back myself, fix up the house, get it rented, start working etc and saving money, during that time make her visa to come over.

Before I left she was very worried about me moving on, saying stuff like "what if you go back to Australia and find a new girl, you will be making money then and you will leave me here in China" *crying* Of course I re assured her that doing something like that wasn't a part of my plan and that I love her very much and wanted to do this to build a better life for the both of us.

It was the hardest thing to do, leaving her behind, even I felt like I couldn't breathe. 2 people spending the last 2 years of there life 24 /7 together... sooo many happy times. Then just to leave like that.

So I am back in Australia and we keep in touch through skype and msn almost every night, we tried to think of the best way to get her visa done fast (but these things take time) She would even ask me to skype with her every night while she went to sleep. If she would wake up and the connection was lost, she would call me straight back so she could see me sleeping. I didn't mind any of this I thought it was very sweet.

NOW... after about a month I can't even remember how these arguments started but then seemed to be getting worse. There was fights about my mother and her mother... just childish arguments that had nothing to do with anything. We then talked about things and that turned into a fight also.

She eventually broke it off with me, she told me she needed space and time to think about if I was what she wanted and if I could make her happy. She wanted me to get her visa sorted out as soon as possible and when it was ready she would come over to be with me.

I didn't quite understand what had just happened, I was very confused and tried talking with her about the situation but she wouldn't explain herself. She just said she needed time and space.

So I tried to give her time and the space that she needed, but she then starts to contact me for small favours. Nothing major, just things like email account help etc. We played an online game called Second Life which you can work in the virtual world to make $ or just buy them online. She had emailed me asking to buy some game $ for her, it wasn't a lot so I didn't make a fuss. I just logged in and sent her the money. She of course thanked me.

So I started getting all her visa forms prepped and had to ask her for things like her address in chinese etc etc (I was filling out all the forms, so she only had to sign and send them away to be precessed) We had previously talked about getting her tourist visa so that she could come here and be with me, but It seemed that the Prospective Marriage Visa was the best option for us as she didn't want to come here for 3 months and then need to leave again, she also can't work on a tourist visa etc.

So I get everything ready, I'm about to take this big step and I asked a friend of mine to help me translate and call her parents to ask for their daughters hand in marriage, and tell them my plans for the future etc. If I was going to do this, I wanted to do this properly. I called her first to come to an agreement on the wedding date because we needed a specific date to make the booking which would allow us to apply for that visa.
Upon called her, I she had asked me if I had gotten her email? So I told her I would check my mail and give her a call back.

Her email read the same thing she mentioned before, she feels it's a bad way to make her visa etc etc and that she needed time and needed to make sure this is what she wanted. She didn't want to come here and live at my mothers which would only make her depressed and that I should still send her the Visa forms so that when she is ready she will send them off and come here.. Which is fair enough, but you could imagine my feeling at this point.

So I waited a few hours to reply and let it marinate for some time, then replied to her email letting her know that I was listening and that I understand, I told her I wanted to concentrate on working hard to build our future and I was thinking about selling the house to purchase 2 apartments, one to live in and the other as investment property and that I wasn't able to send her the Visa forms until we set a marriage date so I could send everything she needed all at once and not to be upset if she didn't get anything in the mail. I told her to take care of herself and that it would be nice to hear from her from time to time.

She replied saying she thanks me for understanding and that she loves me very much as always and that we can still talk sometimes. Just to give her this time.

So I left it there. A couple of days later I was talking to a female friend about advice (she knows both of us) and I told her about the small favours and that I felt like I am here when she needs me, but after I reply to her initial contact, her answers are very short. So she advised me that in order for her to know what its like to live life without me, so I shouldn't reply to her for at least a few days and did warn me that she would get pissy etc and that it would get hard.

So I change my MSN status to "taking time to think" and she writes to me asking what I meant by that, at the time I was driving and couldn't reply, she then writes "fvck u" followed by an email saying that she has removed me from MSN and that we can't be together and if I felt she wasn't worth waiting for I should just "go ahead and sleep with someone" and that she expected more from a 28 yr old man and that I shouldn't write stupid little status messages. This was WAAAY too much for me to handle, I was at work and really couldn't be feeling like this. So I replied to her and explained that I was taking time to think about what my movements are over the weekend with my house and my job etc etc. She replied apologising for the mis understanding and re added me to MSN. I told her that she has nothing to worry about. She is in my future plans and that I love her very much, that I felt like we could work anything out and that this time was very difficult for me also.
She replied saying she was sorry and wouldn't think too much in future and that she "loved me as always"

Later that night I was in at work and quite bored (it was a quiet night) so I asked her via MSN if she felt like a chat as it was a quiet night. But no reply.

The next morning I get an email from her stating she had a big fight with her mother and she felt she was going crazy, she had to move out and that she missed me soooooo much, she has never missed me so much before.

So I told her everyone has their bad days and try not fighting with your mum, try let her calm down before you talk with her etc etc. and that she could always contact me via skype or send me an sms and I would call her back if she needed to talk.

She told me that she "was ok, thank you" and that she will be fine, I should " dont try finding her" she was feeling "really really not good" and she didn't feel to talk.

So I told her I was really worried about her and that she knows how to contact me if she needed me. (I was trying not to be pushy and give her space without being thoughtless)

She just says "i am ok"

And that was that.

I also noticed that she has created a new email account with gmail yesterday, I might just be thinking too much, she usually uses my domain for all her emails so this hurt me a fair bit.

I AM REALLY CONFUSED HERE... as understanding I am trying to be.. I really don't have a clue what's going on for sure.

I love her very much and believe in her. But at the same time I feel like I'm on this roller coaster ride of emotions and its really messing with my head and my heart.

I don't know if this is some kind of test to see how strong our love really is, whether she is possibly moving on or has moved on or it could even be the fact that she wants my own life sorted out here before she makes this kind of decision.

I just wish she could talk to me a little more... maybe explain what she is thinking or feeling. I mean. . Now that my house in rented out and once I buy this next apartment, I would go back to China to be with her. At least we would have that steady income.

Any thoughts would be soooo much appreciated

Let me know if there is more information you need to ask about our situation, I really feel like I am treading on this ice here.

Thank you

She sounds,and she is,young and immature.

When someone puts us on an emotional rollercoaster,we should get our act together and start doing the things that best benefit ourselves.

I suggest you go no contact and start sorting out your practical details,house etc.

When there is too much drama,we should go live in the real world,doing our own thing.

Thank you amicon for the prompt reply.

This is what I have planned to do, but when she contacts me, I feel weak and feel I need to reply to her. I know this is wrong, but for example yesterday morning the email about her mother, I thought was important, and hence I replied.

T is hard at the moment not to contact her, but I'm dealing with it quite well. The problem I have is when she contacts me. If its something small I can avoid it in the hope she won't get pissy at me. But at the same time if its an important subject, it hurts not to write back

That's the decision you will have to make,sticking to real as in 100% no contact,or staying stuck in limbo trying to read her mind when it suits her to get in touch.


Regardless of what she does,you have a life to get on with.

These is also another thing I forgot to mention,

The other morning I got 3 missed calls from a blocked number within the space of 1 min and nothing left on the voicemail. But I was still asleep as I was working the previous night. She is the only person I know who would do something like that. I called her back asking what was wrong and she said it wasn't her she didn't call. I told her I didn't want to call but I was worried but I was glad to hear she is OK.
She emailed me about 5 min later to tell me not to worry. She didn't take it the wrong way by me calling, and that it made her happy to see I still cared about her and that she "loves me as always"

There is a whole bunch of stuff of hers I still have here from our holiday because we had planned to both be here at some point. I also have a lot of my things over there. And not just clothes etc. like stereo equipment, as I work with music it is quite important to me and backup hard drives and things like that.

So... amicon, I know its my decision, but would you suggest just not replying at all ? No matter what the situation is ?

Keep in mind that the chinese culture is different to that of the western culture. After speaking to some chinese friends I have here, they suggested I reply to her nicely when she contacts me. She wants to know if I still love her and if I feel she is worth the wait. Which I have done so far. But my worry is how can she know what life is like without me if we are broken up but still gets the support from me.

I love her too much to lose her and hence asking these "silly" questions. Lol

I wouldn't reply to any communication-regardless of cultural background,I don't see why you should 'tiptoe' around somebody else's agenda.

As for her stuff at yours,box it up and store it somewhere you don't have to look at it.

The things you have left over there that you really need, could a friend of yours help you ship it over to you?

I see what you mean.

I don't have anyone over there really. Most of my friends are in another city. I could go back there myself to get things and take hers back to her. But that would obviously be the end. But at least it's in black or white. She might feel different after she sees me. As this happened before. But then thanked me for going back for her. I have been back here fir just over 2 months now. About the same amount of time it happened last time.

I'd leave things as they are for the time being if it means your going there.

Mostly in this kind of situation,possessions can be replaced.

I was talking to a female friend about advice (she knows both of us) and I told her about the small favors and that I felt like I am here when she needs me, but after I reply to her initial contact, her answers are very short. So she advised me that in order for her to know what its like to live life without me, so i shouldn't reply to her for at least a few days and did warn me that she would get pissy etc and that it would get hard............So i change my MSN status to "taking time to think" and she writes to me asking what i meant by that, at the time i was driving and couldn't reply, she then writes "fvck u" followed by an email saying that she has removed me from MSN and that we can't be together and if i felt she wasn't worth waiting for i should just "sleep with someone" and that she expected more from a 28 yr old man and that I shouldn't write stupid little status messages.

I think for one, your friend gave you some lousy advice, based on bad information by YOU! Secondly taking actions on that advice was an even lousier idea, and gave her the impression that you were NOT as committed as before. Of course she was going to go wacko after that. If her answers were short, might she have been doing her nails or something else while talking to you long distance? Instead of exploring that, you took it personally, assumed what it meant, without facts, but by your feelings, and ran with advice to make her miss you. UGH! You replaced honest communications with a plan of not communicating. I would break up with you too.

Your only recourse is a full disclosure apology, and repair the tear in this relationship. Doesn't mean a change in her thinking over night, but does signal giving her more facts to which she can make an informed decision, over a misunderstanding, that you impulsively perpetrated, and she reacted to. Understandable in MY opinion.

You make a lot of her age and immaturity, and maybe that's so, but in some ways you are immature also, acting from fear as in here.

the small favors and that I felt like I am here when she needs me, but after I reply to her initial contact, her answers are very short
You got carried away by your own fears. The key to overcoming fear is with facts, example, why do her answers seem short?

I think the stress of trying to be together through the distance, and the frustration that distance causes has to be dealt with more reassurance, as you both are insecure with each other at this point, and that requires some honest communications, to dispel the fears, and UNCERTAINTY.

I highly suggest writing her a letter/email outlining your hopes, fears, and the mistakes in judgment because of them, and send her papers for HER to process, while you get your affairs in order. Then give her the space to process the facts, as no knock on your mom, but being stuck with her is the basis of her fears. And has needed to be addressed in a positive way by actions to match your words. Until you get your ducks in a row, and have the facts behind you, she will react with fear, and immaturity. She is very young, but so are you, but for this to work, patience and honest communications are needed now. Try it and then see if things work or not is my suggestion, from what you have written. Space makes sense, but total No Contact here will not gain you facts for her to consider.

You will have plenty of time for that action later.

Thanks talaniman,


I had a good chat to her online last night about a lot of things, and feel a lot better. The communication thing must have been the key. I have only read your post today, but I would have followed your advice none the less if I had read it earlier.

So we have come to the conclusion that we both love each other and need each other in one and others lives. She just wants me to get my house and things sorted out so that we can have a "2 peoples" life again. She was also talking about getting married being quite a big step for us and she just wants to make sure that we are not struggling financially in future.

Although she has let her feelings out, she just tells me to give her some time and everything will work out. I do feel a lot better after this last conversation with her.

I also spoke to her online today but kept it short and simple. She also told me that if I needed some ideas or would like to know what she thinks about my decisions with the house, I could contact her via email anytime.

So at this stage I'm just going to keep my distance, but try not to leave the communication out for days without even an email. Tonight I saw her come online to MSN and pop back off after like 2 min and refrained from saying anything (while she was online).

I suppose its just hard to know how much distance is too much distance @@
I have to come across these decisions almost every day in the next week or so, but don't want to come across as needy and email her too often.
Do you think its OK to send an email with options I have and ask her what she thinks, then see how she replies, then see if the email was written expecting a reply ?

Thanks again for all the advice guys, I have been through some rough relationships in the past, but as I mentioned before, in this situation, I really don't want to push her away or make her feel like I'm not giving her what she needs

Thanks again


Oh... As much as I would love to send her all the forms for the visa, I still need to have a set marriage date or booking before they are even looked at. I will also be paying the fees from here. So I need to fill in everything first, then send them to her so she can sign and send them onto the embassy. So its not as simple as.. ill send them there and that's it. She would need to send them back here to make the booking and get all the certificates, then I would need to send them back there for her to sign the booking then she would need to send it onto the embassy.
Also the visa will take about 4 - 6 months to be processed and granted (unless they need more information)

Send her what she wants yesterday, and let her deal with it! Express mail! Sometimes it's the small things that reassure a woman of your intentions. As far as how often to communicate, by email, as often as she needs you to.