Entire story merged

I have just read this... amazing when something happens, you Google for advice etc...
Well my story... I'm 35 my gf/ex is 23... we have been going out for 2.5 years, living together for most of this. Anyhow... all was good, until I got fed-up after 9 months... I was distant and cold... and was like this for 2 months... I felt I wanted freedom.. so she left me... well... it was so pianful... I begged her to come back and she would not... I must have cried down the phone for days... I did it, because I knew she loved me... anyhow I knew where she hung out and went there one evening and say her with a guy... I felt sick... never had a feeling like that before... to see my beautiful princess with someone else... they were supposedly friends, she was down and to make herself feel better invited this guy over from Italy... anyhow more on this later... but after a few more days, she came back to me... and things were great again for a while...
She has her place and I have mine... then my mum came to stay with me for 6 months... so I felt I had to spend my time between 2 apartments... this was tiring... and I ended up staying more at mine... well this did not go down well.. and she became more difficult... we started to argue more.. she then at one point in a heated argument told me she kissed that guy when we were not together... I felt I had been hit by a bus... she cried and apologised and because I loved her said fine... but my annoyance was for 2 reasons... she had no right to tell me, but also we were talking on the phone a lot and she knew she was coming back, and in fact she came back 2 days after the kiss... ok we were not together, but we were in a way... took a few weeks to heal... but I stuck with it but then I began to miss the single life... anyhow my mum went back and she moved back to mine... things were fine again... but the arguments were still present... she was going on holiday back to Italy, and I was due to join her... but I declined, lost money on my ticket... but I had a dose of being single to see if I wanted the single life or not... she was hurt, especially when I said "stupidly" it's not working... I then again had regrets... and she seemed fine... the day that she was due to come home she called and said she will stay an extra week... that's when things changed... she became colder, more distant... she then texted me saying that she has been thinking and does not feel she wants to try anymore... she would not listen to me...
She got back yesterday and I went to see her... it's so difficult to be with someone, but be different with them, not being loving... I wanted to hold her, but was scared that the feelings she would have would not be the same... she said that something has changed and she does not love me to the same extent... I, a 35 year old man, cried like a baby... I just feel I have ruined everything... end of the day, I caused this... I tried to reason with her, as I can't believe love can become significantly less so suddenly... because she was my everything and I hers... I have lost 5kgs in the past few weeks, which is not a bad thing... but I'm destroyed... I went out partying and was not interested in anything...
I suppose this is the regret phase, where I feel emptiness etc... but it really is difficult. Reading this article helps a lot.

I'm due to go to a councillor with her tonight... I think she wants out, but it's not 100%... hoping the councillor might help me out... I think her mum influenced her decision...

But the problem is also that the issues that cause the unhappiness will no doubt arise... unless I can compromise more... I have been difficult...
Anyway, I just feel so weak and I should be stronger at my age...

Needed to get this off my chest... but wow.. the pain!

Yes the pain. All the mistakes we made. But so did/do they. It sounds like a volatile relationship.I think you
Both need time apart now.
The first weeks are rough

Good vent my friend. Welcome to AMHD! It's hard to let go of something that you love, but it isn't rational to keep hold of something that clearly isn't working. Sometimes you just have to let go and hope for the best and also you need to figure out how to maintain a healthy balance between your life and a relationship.

That is quite the ordeal, mainly brought on by your own immaturity. You want the 'single life' until you have it, then you want your relationship, yet you don't know how to value it.

Your girlfriend is quite a bit younger and seems a lot more emotional stable. Your clingy behavior is only going to further the wedge that you have between you. I believe that she could do better than someone who is with her and wanting to be single. You are playing games at 35 years old. The break up that you regret, so you have to cling to test and see if she will return to you, then you aren't happy again.

I would suggest counseling for you, not couples therapy. You have fear of abandonment issues and codependency issues. Please reevaluate this relationship because until you are stable and secure with yourself, you can never make a beneficially partner to another person.

I realised something... wish I had realised it earlier... I always complained she was moody... I now know why... she is sensitive and because she loves/loved me so much, it would make her moody when I did something that she would interpret as not loving...

Why when we want to break-up we focus on the negatives... but when it's done we focus on the positives...

So confused... I feel if I give her time... then she may get used to being away from me and the flame will vanish...

We are going to a councillor tonight... for 1 hour... I feel if she still does not want to come back, I'll take a week of holiday from work and fly to LA (I am in London) and stay with my mum and cousins... as I feel bad here... not eating well, feel sick all the time... sitting at work and thinking of her and my eyes swell up...

What hurts the most is that I could have avoided this... perhaps it's for the best as everyone tells me... but I just can't see it...

Is this your first relationship? Just seems to me you have zero clue what you really want. Breaking up with someone to be "single" and yet expecting the other person to wait around for you is pretty lame. Justy is right, you need to get some help for your own sanity.

That is quite the ordeal, mainly brought on by your own immaturity. You want the 'single life' until you have it, then you want your relationship, yet you don't know how to value it.

Your girlfriend is quite a bit younger and seems alot more emotional stable. Your clingy behavior is only going to further the wedge that you have between you. I believe that she could do better than someone who is with her and wanting to be single. You are playing games at 35 years old. The break up that you regret, so you have to cling to test and see if she will return to you, then you aren't happy again.

I would suggest counseling for you, not couples therapy. You have fear of abandonment issues and codependency issues. Please reevaluate this relationship because until you are stable and secure with yourself, you can never make a beneficially partner to another person.

You are absolutely right... I have been immature... I know... I am 35 and I should be acting and behaving better! I am not a bad person, in the 2.5 years that we have been together, I have looked after her (not talking about finances) been there for her... like she has for me...

I have been going through my mind with this for a long time... why have I behaved like this... if she comes back... will it turn to the same unhappiness after 6 months... I wish I could answer the questions... I don't know.

Fear of abandonment - don't think so, I have been living a bachelor life for a long time... I have had relationships 1 year, 1year, 2 years and 2.5 years... the first one did not work out, the 2nd one she was not good for me, I was sponsoring her... she was in it for the companionship but did not contribute... it was fun, but it had to end... the 3rd was a long distance one... and now this one... the most meanigful. I have been very happy on my own... perhaps I am scared of not finding someone who will love me the way she does/did.

Don't get me wrong, we don't argue all the time, just petty things of late... we have had many more happy times...

Believe me, I wish I knew what the problems are... I want to fix them.

Is this your first relationship? Just seems to me you have zero clue what you really want. Breaking up with someone to be "single" and yet expecting the other person to wait around for you is pretty lame. Justy is right, you need to get some help for your own sanity.

Not the first...

You are right... but we have been together for 2.5 years... and honestly, I would say at least 1.5 years of this has been blissfully happy, 0.5 normal and 0.5 niggly, petty issues...

I made a huge mistake... and I'm paying for it... but I feel that she is more scared that I won't change, and that has stoppped her love possibly... but you know what, when she came back the first time... I did not repeat the things that were causing problems... I worked on them and I did change... and I know the issues now and I can work on them... I'm really not a bad guy... just naïve sometimes and make stupid mistakes... I know I should be better at my age... but I'm really trying

Since you say that, it may be more a fear of commitment.
When you are committed to a relationship, you panic, feel restless, need out.
Once out, you panic, feel abandoned, want it back.

Either way, you do need counseling for yourself. You sound emotionally out of control.
That doesn't mean that the relationship itself was toxic, you are causing your own toxicity in the relationship and she is paying for it.

Since you say that, it may be more a fear of commitment.
When you are committed to a relationship, you panic, feel restless, need out.
Once out, you panic, feel abandoned, want it back.

Either way, you do need counseling for yourself. You sound emotionally out of control.
That doesn't mean that the relationship itself was toxic, you are causing your own toxicity in the relationship and she is paying for it.

That seems better... I am causing the problems... not saying she is perfect... but its more me... I admit..

Commitment... again, possibly or probably...

I never thought I would be emotionally out of control... don't know why I am, if it is the case... always thought I was pretty normal... but you could be right...

I'm prepared to work at it... and to be honest, I feel I get better every year...

I just feel, right now, that I want her back... I appreciate your comments and these latest ones are more accurate...

I'm petrified what the councillor will say tonight...

Just know that counseling is a lot easier because they aren't sifting through emotional dust, they can stand clear of the turmoil and give an unbiased assessment of the root causes.

If you are willing to continue to work on yourself and grow as a person.
As a loving female, she will probably continue to love and support you through this.
Start with a one day at a time approach, it may help your panic symptoms also.

Just know that counseling is alot easier because they aren't sifting through emotional dust, they can stand clear of the turmoil and give an unbiased assessment of the root causes.

If you are willing to continue to work on yourself and grow as a person.
As a loving female, she will probably continue to love and support you through this.
Start with a one day at a time approach, it may help your panic symptoms also.

That's the reason I am doing this... I want an unbiased opinion and also maybe it will help her see how I feel... it might verify that we are not meant to be together... or it might show that it can work... I am going into it with an open mind...

Going now... so will let you know tomorrow how it went... I have butterflies in my stomach, so nervous...

See you all tomorrow.

Good luck and blessings to you.

Good luck and blessings to you.

Thank you... it was an interesting session, the councillor... I kind of went into it a little naïve, in the sense that if the councillor saw how sad I was and how much I wanted my girlfriend back, she would say... yeah... give him another shot... it was quite sobering hearing all the issues we had, mainly described by my girlfriend... it was funny... I was potraying all the positive and nice things, she was potraying all the negative things... it was really fighting a losing battle... I suppose I mentioned that I would like to try, to compromise etc... but then the response I would get was, well why now... it had to come to this... you can't change etc...

The councillor did say that we are at a crossroads and we should talk ourselves, see her again... and not to make any rash decisions... even though she may have made it... but it was funny... we drove to my place, as her car was parked outside my flat, while she was away and her car keys, work bag was also in my flat... but instead of taking all her things, she just took the car keys and work bag...

We said we can have dinner tonight and talk... I have a feeling she will change her mind... who knows...

My problem is that I am an optimist, not a realist... I cling on to any thread of hope...

I did cry a lot yesterday in front of the councillor and then in front of my girlfriend... but it was really strange... after she left... something happened... I suddenly felt so much better, I suddenly felt indifferent... perhaps it's a moment... perhaps I feel I have a chance, perhaps I feel she will regret this and want to come back...

Love is so blind... amazing that I can't see any of her faults right now... all my friends are telling me to forget it, you have what you initially wanted... my mum, cousins, friends.. everyone... but I just don't see it yet...

She wants space, which I am reluctant about as I feel it will make any flame that is still there to go out...

If people are interested in any updates... it's just nice to be able to get this off my chest, sorry for the rant!

My understanding of fear of abandonment
Sounds exactly like what your doing.
Constantly finding faults to test the relationship
To validate your fear that she's going to leave
You.

my understanding of fear of abandonment
sounds exactly like what your doing.
constantly finding faults to test the relationship
to validate your fear that shes going to leave
you.

We spoke about this with the councillor... I don't believe I have fear of abandonment... honestly... I have been very happy being single for years and been very happy in this relationship... even if her decision is final, I know I will be back to my normal happy self... eventually, perhaps in a month, perhaps in 3 months... who knows... but it's not fear of abandonment... I was never scared of her leaving me... only if I pushed her away... and I did it once, by accident... which I was forgiven for and that kind of behaviour was not repeated... I said to her when she took me back that I would not behave like that again, and I have not... If there is a fault within me, and I can rectify it, then I will... I am always trying to improve myself, and with every relationship I have gotten better and more mature... still a long way to go...

She wants space, which I am reluctant about as I feel it will make any flame that is still there to go out...
There is a saying and I will most likely mess this up horribly, but bear with me.
If you squeeze a handful of sand it will slip through your fingers but if you cup it gently it will stay.
If you try to hold on to her too tight when she is asking for space she will run from it.
You can't worry about the flame going out.You need to respect her wishes.
Clingy and needy is never a welcome or pleasant trait.In fact it is very off putting.

Well is it the you just get in a rut and start craving single life?
For me I hated being single I wasn't good at it
Lonely,broke not for me.
You may just suffer from a lack of gratitude,
Having someone in your life is a gift.

There is a saying and I will most likely mess this up horribly, but bear with me.
If you squeeze a handful of sand it will slip through your fingers but if you cup it gently it will stay.
If you try to hold on to her too tight when she is asking for space she will run from it.
You can't worry about the flame going out.You need to respect her wishes.
Clingy and needy is never a welcome or pleasant trait.In fact it is very off putting.

I was prepared to do this... but it appears that she wants to talk about things... I think she wants to see why they have gone wrong... which is great... I think we both realise that there are problems... so we are going to talk about them ourselves and see a councillor as well... as I said to her, even though I want you back, there is no point until we see what the real problems are...

To be honest , I feel much better today... almost as if something has changed in me... so let's see how it goes...

well is it the you just get in a rut and start craving single life?
for me i hated being single i wasnt good at it
lonely,broke not for me.
you may just suffer from a lack of gratitude,
having someone in your life is a gift.

It must have been... I was missing some space... she wanted to do everything with me, even going for 30 minute shop along the high street... if I said, no I'm tired, want to watch this etc.. she would get sad as she probably thought it was a sign that I am not interested... remember I am 35, she is 23/24...

I enjoyed being single, but after a while it get's boring... but have no problem being single...

I did not appreciate her enough, but then there is always a reason... hopefully we will find the reasons out over the coming weeks... but I feel much stronger these days... end of the day I instigated all of this... so there are issues

You both have your issues, and are finding it hard to work together. Honestly, you don't sound that compatible.

No shame in that, and counseling may help you learn about each other, and how to deal with each other if your both willing.

What disturbs me more than anything, is my suspicion that your in this because your avoiding boredom, or loneliness. I don't think you'll ever pay enough attention to her, when you have such a selfish need to be with someone for the wrong reasons.

I have just read this.....amazing when something happens, you google for advice etc.....
she said that something has changed and she does not love me to the same extent.

She just gave you a very valuable clue.

This person you have become is not the one she fell in love with, but you can't get that old person back... Why?

Because that guy wasn't happy either... understand?

You are in the midst of a personal evolution but if you don't grab control of it, it will continue to go in the wrong direction.

You have to stop chasing her and properly initiate no contact, you're only driving her farther away.

The counselor might've been a good idea when the problems started, but now you need to get yourself in order first before trying to start a "new" relationship with her, understand?

I suggest you use the no contact rule to not only start to pull her back towards you, but to give you the time you need to evolve.

The problem here is you are trying to rush the evolution and hold on to her at the same time... but you can't.

You have to let her go for now (using NC) and follow a good plan to help you evolve and heal to prepare for the reconnection stage.

Once you start the reconnection stage, if necessary at that point this would be a good time to introduce the counseling... make sense?

If you want more information about NC and my free step by step plan... let me know, OK?

You both have your issues, and are finding it hard to work together. Honestly, you don't sound that compatible.

No shame in that, and counseling may help you learn about each other, and how to deal with each other if your both willing.

What disturbs me more than anything, is my suspicion that your in this because your avoiding boredom, or loneliness. I don't think you'll ever pay enough attention to her, when you have such a selfish need to be with someone for the wrong reasons.

I think you are right to a certain extent... I'm trying to think about this all the time... we have been together for a long time... admittedly, I met her in May 2006, a few months after splitting with my ex of 2 years (long distance)... we went out a few times... but I did not pursue, as I was not ready to date again... anyhow she got in contact in September and we dates some more... more of a fling... and then in December I asked her to date properly... it may have been boredom initially, but we really were very happy for the best part of 9 months... and then we split back and happy for the best part of 1 year... so there is happiness there...

I saw her for dinner last night, and we talked... I really have no idea what I am doing... as I do love her and miss her, but do I miss the fact that I am now living alone and not used to it... if I continue like this, there is a small chance she will come back... but am I doing it for the right reasons... I am really not sure... am I doing it because I am being selfish and not want anyone to have her etc...

This is really hard... as I can see that if we get back together, I will have to compromise what I have failed to do in the past for it to work... I probably will initially, but then it becomes more difficult.

Please don't think I am an idiot or a weirdo... I really am normal ( I think)... decent job, decent lifestyle, friends, familly etc... just not great with realtionships... all my life I have socialised, dated many girls, had a lot of fun... never thought I would settle down so quickly... but she took my breath away... (eventually)... and she has kept me happy for a long time...

She just gave you a very valuable clue.

This person you have become is not the one she fell in love with, but you can't get that old person back...Why?

Because that guy wasn't happy either...understand?

You are in the midst of a personal evolution but if you don't grab control of it, it will continue to go in the wrong direction.

You have to stop chasing her and properly initiate no contact, you're only driving her farther away.

The counselor might've been a good idea when the problems started, but now you need to get yourself in order first before trying to start a "new" relationship with her, understand?

I suggest you use the no contact rule to not only start to pull her back towards you, but to give you the time you need to evolve.

The problem here is you are trying to rush the evolution and hold on to her at the same time...but you can't.

You have to let her go for now (using NC) and follow a good plan to help you evolve and heal to prepare for the reconnection stage.

Once you start the reconnection stage, if necessary at that point this would be a good time to introduce the counseling...make sense?

If you want more information about NC and my free step by step plan...let me know, OK?

Going to read the No contact stuff... my idea or stupidity is that I feel if she sees me, then she will fall for me again... I feel that being in contact (in a subtle way) may help... having no contact would mean it is completely out of my hands... I 'll have a read now!

Thanks

Going to read the No contact stuff......my idea or stupidity is that I feel if she sees me, then she will fall for me again.....I feel that being in contact (in a subtle way) may help......having no contact would mean it is completely out of my hands......I 'll have a read now!

Thanks

You will have to forgive some posters as the advise for their own personal gain and fortune. Not I, however.

I seem to think you need to work on issues core to you and not worry about a female who has made it clear for now, at least, that she doesn't want to be with you. You don't really know what you want, you just know you don't want to be alone. Well, there is a clear difference and fine line between being alone and being lonely. Which are you? Being lonely forces a decision based upon emotions that can only be satisfied for a period.

You will have to forgive some posters as the advise for their own personal gain and fortune. Not I, however.

I seem to think you need to work on issues core to you and not worry about a female who has made it clear for now, at least, that she doesn't want to be with you.

She does not want to be with me... ok... but why is she still communicating... she still has her stuff in my flat and has not asked me to drop them off... we went for dinner last night, and it was decent... in the sense that she saw a different me... no more emotions, no more begging... she still has feelings, and I think she is not 100% sure... however I am not 100% sure either... so yes I need to work on what I want... but how do I do that... I have been thinking long & hard...

While she has been away, I have been out to bars/clubs... and I was not in the mood... How do I find out what I want... it's a stupid question... but I really don't know... if we get back... how can I make sure the same issues will not arise?

Trying to work out issues you have with yourself while still being involved with the person these issues surround is like having unprotected sex while trying not to get an STD.

I think you need to be captain of your own ship for a while.you might want to NC and find out who you are and what you want.

The Captain; She does not want to be with me... ok... but why is she still communicating... she still has her stuff in my flat and has not asked me to drop them off...
Because your own confusion and false hope has allowed it. You have yet to take a stand or use your opportunities to communicate and identify your issues or seek resolutions to them. You date in limbo and hope she comes back to you. That's a recipe for chaos, drama, and as you have seen, confusion.

we went for dinner last night, and it was decent... in the sense that she saw a different me... no more emotions, no more begging... she still has feelings, and I think she is not 100% sure... however I am not 100% sure either..
How can you build if you don't know how, or why?? That's what NC is about, not getting an ex back, but getting yourself back. Keeping hope alive in this relationship is nothing more it seems to me, than about you not being alone. Instead of building your own character, and find what makes you happy, you depend on her for that, and that will never work for either of you.

so yes I need to work on what I want... but how do I do that... I have been thinking long & hard...
By being alone, and building a life that you enjoy without her. That will give you something to SHARE, and not get from a partner. See the difference?

While she has been away, I have been out to bars/clubs... and I was not in the mood... How do I find out what I want... it's a stupid question... but I really don't know...
Again your looking for something that's found only within you, not around you. Until you look inward for your solutions, you will always be LOST.

If we get back... how can i make sure the same issues will not arise?
That's a ways away, as the job is to work on you. Even though your seeing each other, your trying to impress her, and not communicate with her. AFTER dinner would be perfect for a meeting of the minds, and iron things out through honest expressions of your feelings. If a resolution is not forthcoming, and she is not WILLING TO COMPROMISE, and work with you. Its up to you, not her to deliver her stuff, and back away from this situation. That's the only way to gain the proper perspective on what your own actions have led to, and the adjustments necessary to improve yourself, and your life, with or without her. Those are the tough choices we humans make for ourselves.

The reason I see for you going NC, is not for her to call you, but for you to get your act together and not need someone to relieve your loneliness. You can't build a solid, healthy relationship on your own needs.

I don't care what other posters say about getting an ex back, that's hype and BS. The main goal is to be happy and healthy by yourself, and having a partner who is the same way. Neither of you is ready for a mature adult relationship yet, and will never be until some maturity and skills are developed through personal growth.

Personally, I think some here advise a no-contact too soon, its real popular advice, on relationship threads. Some OP are clearly needing complete NC, I just can't see it, where there's already a separation, so what harm is it to meet on occasion, and talk about things?

Talaniman Rant(?)


Personally, I think some here advise a no-contact too soon, its real popular advice, on relationship threads. Some OP are clearly needing complete NC, I just can't see it, where theres already a separation, so what harm is it to meet on occasion, and talk about things?
It seems to me that if a couple can work things out, they wouldn't need advice after a break, or break up. What happens to those who post here, and other sites, is they are asking for an ex back, or how to move on. For sure there are many who deal with it and even end up as friends or back together.

My whole point is to at least get to a point your emotionally stable to make good decisions for yourself. If after the emotional shock wears off, and you have a clear head about yourself, you can do whatever you think is best for yourself, and handle your business.

That's just me though, and what does an old guy like me know about what's in the heart of young people? :eek:

This makes a lot of sense.my own break up means I'm having to find out who I am and what I want. The entity that was the relationship s no more.

Talaniman Rant(?)


It seems to me that if a couple can work things out, they wouldn't need advice after a break, or break up. What happens to those who post here, and other sites, is they are asking for an ex back, or how to move on. For sure there are many who deal with it and even end up as friends or back together.

My whole point is to at least get to a point your emotionally stable to make good decisions for yourself. If after the emotional shock wears off, and you have a clear head about yourself, you can do whatever you think is best for yourself, and handle your business.

Thats just me though, and what does an old guy like me know about whats in the heart of young people? :eek:

Well an update...

We went to the gym together, then took her grocery shopping and she then offered to cook dinner... as I am not eating much, she thought it would help to eat with her... we actually talk a lot... it's so brutal to hear all the stuff that I did wrong... in hindsight I don't know why I behaved like that... don't get me wrong... it's not cheating, being rude, nasty abusive etc... it's things like... do I have to come out with you and your friends... or I am going to see my friends, it's just boys, you would not feel comfortable... it's silly stuff... but I suppose I said these things for a reason... will I say them in the future... possibly...

Anyway... it's amazing, we still look at each other and there is a lot of warmth and feelings...

In a way, she is also finding it difficult to let go... I agree with the NC bit... I really do... but this may be is ideal when the girlfriend says she wants a break etc... my girlfriend is confused, but still wants to see me... probably to do with the fact that she does not have many friends, her familly are not here etc...

Anyway we are seeing the councillor one more time on Saturday... should be more constructive as I am no longer emotional...

End of the day... I hear all your advice... and perhaps this is not what I want... but I just can't let go for now... I feel while there is contact, there is a chance... perhaps the real pain will come when I realise that it's totally over...

Well another update...

Some days are good some are bad... I have not started NC yet... because I'm due to see the councillor with her tomorrow... I think tomorrow will be the day where I begin the process... I have deleted all her e-mails, as they are too painful to read... closed my Facebook account...

We spoke last night... it's bizarre... she is a sensitive girl, she basically feels that right now she does not want to try again... she may do in the future (I appreciate that's a nice way of putting it, but it's a no), I have hurt her too much, and I only realise when it's too late... anyhow she however wants to break-up slowly... as she feels that after 3 years, it's not nice to do it suddenly?? It's probably for her own self-preservation... however, I need to think of myself... and I think after tomorrow (last chance saloon as they say), I will have to do NC...

At present she's worried for me, as I'm not eating (just a little)... have lost 5kgs in the past couple of weeks... I'm not eating because I want to hurt myself... I just don't have the urge to eat... I'm probably eating 1/2 of what I would eat in a normal day... I'm not someone who contemplates doing stupid things... it's just the pain is so intense... I'm going to work every day, as at least I am busy, and my day goes quicker...

The real pain is when you know you could have avoided this... and now it's too late. I'm actually embarrassed, I'm 35 years old... and I am behaving like a baby... it's as if I have lost the will to do anything...

All your emotions are normal.try to eat right.breaking up s tough horrible but there s light at the end of the tunnel.think of you and your own needs

all your emotions are normal.try to eat right.breaking up s tough horrible but there s light at the end of the tunnel.think of you and your own needs

This morning, I got an e-mail:

"I feel really down today...
I hope I am not making the biggest mistake of my life...
Have you eaten anything? Please please please do it for me...
If it helps we can eat together tonight.. I don't want to see you like this.
What are you having for lunch?

I have not replied yet... I am trying to be a realist here... but if you feel like you might be making a big mistake, why do it... try again and if it does not work, then at least you have tried... probably giving myself false hope... but I can't go on like this... by being in contact, I feel I'm helping her get over me... hence I think tomorrow after the councillor I will tell her that we should cut...

By being in contact I think you both stay confused about what you really want.its seems to me you are both too upset to think clearly.

This morning, I got an e-mail:

"I feel really down today...
I hope I am not making the biggest mistake of my life...
Have you eaten anything ?? Please please please do it for me....
if it helps we can eat together tonight..I don't want to see you like this.
What are you having for lunch?

I have not replied yet.......I am trying to be a realist here....but if you feel like you might be making a big mistake, why do it....try again and if it does not work, then at least you have tried......probably giving myself false hope......but I can't go on like this....by being in contact, I feel I'm helping her get over me.....hence I think tomorrow after the councillor I will tell her that we should cut.......

Someone said it before and maybe you need to hear it again.You are the one who needs to figure out what you want.Your history shows quite a bit of going back and forth on your efforts at making this relationship work yet you can't accept your girlfriend's wish to stay away from you and rebuild her life.

You say its all your fault yet somewhere I can't help suspecting that you are saying all that more out of self-pity and to arouse sympathy than actually facing up to your actions and wanting to improve yourself.

You are still measuring her/weighing her words critically/assessing how she's talking/behaving with you while just letting yourself off a bit easily saying you are emotional,overwhelmed,immature.As an outsider, her e-mail sounds perfectly normal,balanced and sensible to me.She was in a relationship with you for 3 yrs,so she obviously is concerned that you are not eating and not keeping well.You should appreciate her help in trying to bring you back on track,instead of blaming her for wanting out.

She's even agreed to go for counselling with you,after all the pain she must have felt from your words and actions.

I am sorry if I sound harsh but sometimes when emotions cloud one's judgement,the best help one can give them is straight talk.

So go ahead with the counselling,make the most of it,not as a means of getting her back or getting even with her,or even arousing her sympathy,but as a way to really grow as a human being and learn about yourself.

All the best.

Seems to me like each of you is delaying the inevitable. Having dinner with each other isn't a very good option. You both need to realize this is a break up and as a break up, you need to quit talking to each other. That is what happens. You don't just break up "slowly." That isn't fair to either of you. You both need to quit talking and quit doing things together as it does nothing but fuel a fire that is clearly not going to burn anytime in the near future.

I'm sorry but the session tomorrow and the eating together is an absolute waste of time. This is life, this is how break ups work, they are sudden and they need to be that way for reality to hit.

Someone said it before and maybe you need to hear it again.You are the one who needs to figure out what you want.Your history shows quite a bit of going back and forth on your efforts at making this relationship work yet you can't accept your girlfriend's wish to stay away from you and rebuild her life.

You say its all your fault yet somewhere I can't help suspecting that you are saying all that more out of self-pity and to arouse sympathy than actually facing upto your actions and wanting to improve yourself.

You are still measuring her/weighing her words critically/assessing how she's talking/behaving with you while just letting yourself off a bit easily saying you are emotional,overwhelmed,immature.As an outsider, her e-mail sounds perfectly normal,balanced and sensible to me.She was in a relationship with you for 3 yrs,so she obviously is concerned that you are not eating and not keeping well.You should appreciate her help in trying to bring you back on track,instead of blaming her for wanting out.

She's even agreed to go for counselling with you,after all the pain she must have felt from your words and actions.

I am sorry if I sound harsh but sometimes when emotions cloud one's judgement,the best help one can give them is straight talk.

So go ahead with the counselling,make the most of it,not as a means of getting her back or getting even with her,or even arousing her sympathy,but as a way to really grow as a human being and learn about yourself.

All the best.

You are right to a certain extent... I put down "It's all my fault" in the title, as it is just that... It's not for self-pity... I am angry and annoyed at myself... yes we had arguments and were not getting along... my mistake was that she went on holiday, I was due to go and see her after a week... I did not (stupid, listening to others etc... ) she then stayed an extra week... her mum and family kept her warm and she made a decision...
Perhaps I would have gone to visit her and we would have been fine on holiday as we always are and then back to reality and more issues... who knows... that regret and the fact that I was not a good boyfriend to her I regret massively... but it's done.

Yes she is concerned... but I want her back, it's as simple as that... however I know it's going to be near impossible... as I want her to come back because she wants to come back... I know if I spend a week with her... it will be fine... when we see each other you can feel the emotion, the intensity... she knows this and wants to avoid it...

I know myself... I know why I made the mistakes I did, and I know that I can avoid them in future... however to be frank... if I tell her the reasons... she will not come back...

I'm not eating (excuse the double negative) because I want her to feel pity etc... I genuinely can't... I will get over this... by cutting contact... the real fear I have is seeing her with someone else... as then there probably is no coming back, even if she realises for herself that the feelings she had with me, she can't have with anyone else...

You can work on problems, you can improve bad traits etc... you can't work on feelings... it's either there or it's not... I have been out with many many girls... for me it's all about feelings and with her, it's the ultimate...

I will do the councilling... last time, I had no excuse to any of the issues raised... I thought it would help me... but it made me see all my wrong doings... hard to take...

Be a true man, let her go and ensure her you will be fine. If she comes back great, if not, then at least you did the right thing by allowing her to go live her life without pity for your own. That is no way to live. It is selfish that you allow her to take pity and keep her close to you for fear of her finding another man.

Seems to me like each of you is delaying the inevitable. Having dinner with each other isn't a very good option. You both need to realize this is a break up and as a break up, you need to quit talking to each other. That is what happens. You don't just break up "slowly." That isn't fair to either of you. You both need to quit talking and quit doing things together as it does nothing but fuel a fire that is clearly not going to burn anytime in the near future.

I'm sorry but the session tomorrow and the eating together is an absolute waste of time. This is life, this is how break ups work, they are sudden and they need to be that way for reality to hit.

Your words make perfect sense... I just can't realise it yet...
I'll be honest...
I know she loves me, and a lot... however she is being extraordinarily brave and saying that she does not want this... she is probably thinking about all the negatives... it's perfectly normal...
The funny thing is that whenever she has hurt me, I always give her another chance... actually I forgive her... I'm just like that... I can't be nasty to people, especially those I love...
I'm clinging on to this... maybe to no avail... I think the next day or so will make things clearer... I'm already distancing myself... I'm not going to eat with her as it gives me hope... I will do the councilling as I want one last chance to talk...
But after Saturday... that's it... I will set her free and give her what she wants... but I just need to do this last thing tomorrow...

Please wake up and smell the coffee!

Be a true man, let her go and ensure her you will be fine. If she comes back great, if not, then at least you did the right thing by allowing her to go live her life without pity for your own. That is no way to live. It is selfish that you allow her to take pity and keep her close to you for fear of her finding another man.

I know it's selfish... but I know her... and she is doing this partly out of anger for my errors... just the way she is... I have not written one bad thing about her... she is not perfect and can get angry... and this is the way she does it...
I don't know anymore... but thank you guys and girls for helping me talk through all of this!

Please wake up and smell the coffee!

Almost have... but just want one more day of dreaming...

She was going to dump you any way, you just gave her a reason she could tell you. Had she been committed and willing, you would be working things out, and not the slow torture that your both feeding into.

Enjoy your last day if dreams, if that's the excuse you want to use, to not do the right thing for yourself. Then what??

She was going to dump you any way, you just gave her a reason she could tell you. Had she been committed and willing, you would be working things out, and not the slow torture that your both feeding into.

Enjoy your last day if dreams, if thats the excuse you want to use, to not do the right thing for yourself. Then what???

Then it's NC from tomorrow am... I don't see what I will lose by seeing her tomorrow with the councillor... I agree I am not thinking rationally... it just hurts so much...

On the other side of the pain you ll be whole.NC double quick and start your own journey.

I don't see the benefit to counseling a break up. Neither of you are 100% about wanting to work out your relationship together. A break up seems destined, yet you are holding out for a counseling appointment, with no room for progress. Cancel the appointment or attend by yourself. It's time to start healing, right now you are still clinging and hoping, but staying in her life will not keep her in yours.

I don't see the benefit to counseling a break up. Neither of you are 100% about wanting to work out your relationship together. A break up seems destined, yet you are holding out for a counseling appointment, with no room for progress. Cancel the appointment or attend by yourself. It's time to start healing, right now you are still clinging and hoping, but staying in her life will not keep her in yours.

I'm not disagreeing with you... it might just make me feel better... just to see her in a room for an hour with the councillor... maybe it might help me realise that it's not going to work... and I only want her back, because I have lost her... I don't know... honestly... but it will all be sorted out by tomorrow...

on the other side of the pain you ll be whole.NC double quick and start your own journey.

I know once the pain goes it will be much better... I know... I also know I will have some bad moments in that period... thankfully London is a big city... we live in the same area... but I can avoid her by going to work maybe 10 minutes earlier etc... I will have to change my gym too... apart from that it's unlikely for me to bump into her...


On another note... why does she still have her things in my flat... I assume that she is scared of a total cut off... but you guys will no doubt give me the correct answer.

I'm not disagreeing with you.....it might just make me feel better.....just to see her in a room for an hour with the councillor......maybe it might help me realise that it's not going to work...and I only want her back, because I have lost her.....I don't know....honestly....but it will all be sorted out by tomorrow......

Keep in mind this comment, when you stop by the site tomorrow.
The reason no contact works is because delaying the pain only makes moving on and healing that much harder.
Tomorrow appointment will just give you a new wound to heal... it's like picking off that scab.
It's a painful process, hopeful this truly is your last dreaming 24 hours because you have a reality to face.
We are all here when you need that swift kick. ;)
We have training courses on them. :p

Keep in mind this comment, when you stop by the site tomorrow.
The reason no contact works is because delaying the pain only makes moving on and healing that much harder.
Tommorrow appointment will just give you a new wound to heal... it's like picking off that scab.
It's a painful process, hopeful this truly is your last dreaming 24 hours because you have a reality to face.
We are all here when you need that swift kick. ;)
We have training courses on them. :p

Thank you... incredible in 35 years of life... though fortunately my life has not been a hard one... I have never experienced anything like this... but then I suppose this is nothing compared to tragies people deal with every day... just have to be grateful...
Hope to have some news for you guys in coming days...

All my very best wishes to you from north yorkshire.

An update... about to go to bed... just thought I would get some stuff off my chest.
Well... what a day and a half...
She called me last night... asked if I wanted to come and eat with her... I initially declined... later I called and said OK... and went there... managed to eat a little... but I wanted to talk before the councillor...
We talked, I concentrated on all the good things from our relationship... trying to warm her... which worked a little, but then when I asked the question... why don't you come back to me... the answer was... I can't come back! I was getting a little fed up with all the negativity... I then said what is the point of going to the councillor... she says.. it's mainly for you... so I got annoyed with that answer.. and cancelled it by text... it got very emotional on Friday night. I basically said, that there is no point in us seeing each other... which got her sad... what's the point... I finally plucked up the courage to say goodbye forever... and went to hug her... and it was the most emotional 60 seconds... we both cried like babies... and because of this, I felt that there is some hope... so I did not leave... we talked more... but then she came back with the usual "I'm not ready now.....I can't come back"... I left in anger... switched my phone off. This morning, I ignored her call to my landline and her message was "....pick up please....pick up please"... I decided to go to my aunt's for a few hours and talked with them for a couple of hours. They advised me to switch my phone on... I text her and she called saying she was sad, worried about me and was in my flat looking for me... I joined her for the rest of the day... lots of talking, lots of emotion... seeing her tomorrow (Sunday)... the talk was similar to previous days, but I think she is not convinced... she just wants some space.. but still wants to see me in the meantime...

A lot of people will think I am mad... but I am clinging and I think I'm getting there... she does not want to let go... she is not 100% sure of what she wants... just keeping my fingers crossed... when I asked her again... she said that she thinks she will come back... but not now... my family and friends think she is making me suffer like this, so I behave myself better... don't take her for granted etc... it could all change tomorrow... will keep everyone informed.

Please do NC you can't stay on this emotional roller coaster forever.

About to go an meet her... for the day
She called this morning...
We chatted...
I joked... have you woken up and suddenly decided you want to try again...
The crux of the matter is she wants to decide in her mind, whether she wants a relationship or to be single...
This morning (don't forget she is strange in her thoughts) she said, how about we try again... but if I feel in a few weeks that this is not what I want, then we move on...

I initially said no... but what do you guys think...
I understand the NC... but now is not the time... she is also clinging on and is not sure... she made the decision when on holiday, surrounded by family and friends... now she is back to the daily grind that I was always a part of...
Part of me is thinking that I should say yes... then romance her in the way that I always did... and maybe she will fall in love again... but then the risk is that she might not be into it 100% etc... which will not be very productive?
Thanks for listening

I went back to my ex three times until I finally left him.I should not have gone back after the first break.all I did was to drag the pain out.

She is ding this because you are pressuring her. That will not work. But pay the consequences of selfish impulsive actions, that have already caused enough misery, and pain.

Nothing wrong with getting more of the same, if that's what it takes for you to learn.

Sadly there are some things that should not be fixed.do you want to be doing this in 6 months time? A year?next decade?let it go.

Had a decent day... I declined the ideal of trying again now, as I want her to be in it 100%... I'm not pressuring her anymore... she basically thinks she will come back... but needs time, however in the meantime she would like to do stuff together... not everyday, just a few times a week... I'm not going to chat about us anymore... just hang out... in the meantime I will also think about everything...

It's tough to let go, even for her... if she wanted to and was sure, she would have cut immediately...

It is an emotional rollercoaster, but I am also learning through this...

I do love her, and she probably feels the same...

She will see a stronger person from now on...

She may come back, she may not... but at least I have tried and told her I want her back and I want to try to work it out...

sadly there are some things that should not be fixed.do you want to be doing this in 6 months time? A year?next decade?let it go.

I agree... but I do care for her... and if she decided to come back, I would like to try... maybe it will work, maybe it won't... but why not try one last time...

There is a strong possibility she will not come back... but I am prepared to risk it...

Let's see how the next week pans out...

You are right to a certain extent....I put down "It's all my fault" in the title, as it is just that.....It's not for self-pity....I am angry and annoyed at myself.....yes we had arguments and were not getting along.....my mistake was that she went on holiday, I was due to go and see her after a week...I did not (stupid, listening to others etc...) she then stayed an extra week...her mum and family kept her warm and she made a decision.....
Perhaps I would have gone to visit her and we would have been fine on holiday as we always are and then back to reality and more issues...who knows....that regret and the fact that I was not a good boyfriend to her I regret massively....but it's done.

Yes she is concerned....but I want her back, it's as simple as that....however I know it's going to be near impossible...as I want her to come back because she wants to come back...I know if I spend a week with her...it will be fine....when we see eachother you can feel the emotion, the intensity.....she knows this and wants to avoid it....

I know myself....I know why I made the mistakes I did, and I know that I can avoid them in future.....however to be frank...if I tell her the reasons....she will not come back.....

I'm not not eating (excuse the double negative) because I want her to feel pity etc...I genuinely can't........I will get over this.....by cutting contact......the real fear I have is seeing her with someone else......as then there probably is no coming back, even if she realises for herself that the feelings she had with me, she can't have with anyone else......

You can work on problems, you can improve bad traits etc.....you can't work on feelings...it's either there or it's not.......I have been out with many many girls......for me it's all about feelings and with her, it's the ultimate.....

I will do the councilling.....last time, I had no excuse to any of the issues raised.....I thought it would help me....but it made me see all my wrong doings...hard to take...


Yes,its hard to come to terms with one's ownself,one's own mistakes and bad traits.Especially when you realise that all of that has cost you the one thing you ever wanted in life.I know that feeling too well since I have been there,trust me.

All my realisations/learnings in life have come after I have lost something or someone important.So you could say,I've been there and done that:)... you could say I am a tough student who refuses to learn her lessons till she's burnt herself:)

It becomes all the more difficult to actually then own up and take stock,admit,face up,etc etc,in short do all the things one needs to do to take the learning from the entire experience.I believe,there are stages of learning from an experience.The first stage is most definitely the "going through"phase,of feeling the entire gamut of feelings possible,the hurt,the pain,the denial etc etc... its like draining yourself inside out with those feelings to the extent that all you feel after that is numbness.

Then starts the "getting on or moving on"phase,where you begin the uphill task of learning,analysing,counselling(if reqd)... of course phases come in circles,sometimes you feel down and just don't think you can make it.It really depends on each individual.

Moral of the story still is,you just got to keep walking Captain,you just have to keep moving,learning and growing.I have learned one thing the hard way.Theres always reason and purpose behind everything that happens to everyone.Sometimes we can't see it because we are too blinded by emotions.Sometimes its right there underneath our nose.

Take your lesson from this and focus only on yourself.Being selfish here is required;)You never know what life has in store for you,so keep yourself ready for that:)

All the very best.

Yes,its hard to come to terms with one's ownself,one's own mistakes and bad traits.Especially when you realise that all of that has cost you the one thing you ever wanted in life.I know that feeling too well since I have been there,trust me.

All my realisations/learnings in life have come after I have lost something or someone important.So you could say,I've been there and done that:)......you could say I am a tough student who refuses to learn her lessons till she's burnt herself:)

It becomes all the more difficult to actually then own up and take stock,admit,face up,etc etc,in short do all the things one needs to do to take the learning from the entire experience.I believe,there are stages of learning from an experience.The first stage is most definitely the "going through"phase,of feeling the entire gamut of feelings possible,the hurt,the pain,the denial etc etc...............its like draining yourself inside out with those feelings to the extent that all you feel after that is numbness.

Then starts the "getting on or moving on"phase,where you begin the uphill task of learning,analysing,counselling(if reqd).........of course phases come in circles,sometimes you feel down and just dont think you can make it.It really depends on each individual.

Moral of the story still is,you just got to keep walking Captain,you just have to keep moving,learning and growing.I have learned one thing the hard way.Theres always reason and purpose behind everything that happens to everyone.Sometimes we can't see it cos we are too blinded by emotions.Sometimes its right there underneath our nose.

Take your lesson from this and focus only on yourself.Being selfish here is required;)You never know what life has in store for you,so keep yourself ready for that:)

All the very best.

Thank you for this... you are absolutely right... during the last 6 months, I have been very difficult, arrogant... and not nice... I am trying to find reasons... I think I have found some... I made one crucial mistake (it's a mistake if she does not come back, but a fantastic decision if she comes back)... I decided not to join her on holiday, which upset her... in hindsight with how I am feeling these days, I should have gone as it would have been a nice holiday, but things would have been as they were upon our return... however on the phone in that period, I spoke to her and said it was a mistake, I have not been a good boyfriend and I want to change etc... I was shocked that she took the decision to not want to be with me anymore... however by not going there, I have realised the errors of my ways and want to TRY to fix and TRY to compromise...

I'm not letting go, because there is no need at present for NC, as I think there is a chance she will come back... she thinks she will, she can't not see me... I was speaking to my mum a lot... who end of the day, whatever is your age, she knows you the best and has good advise... last night after 2 nice days together, I kept pushing for her to come back and she would get annoyed and say, I'm not ready yet etc... and as an idiot I got annoyed and said I can't take this anymore etc... and stormed out... spoke to my mum who said... don't be foolish... be patient... if she did not want to come back, she would have cut immediately... go out with her as you have been doing, but don't push anymore... you will see that with time... she will become attached again... so I'm going down this route... yes it may delay my recovery... though it hurts... I did instigate this whoe thing... so maybe it's for the right reasons...

Everything happens for a reason, even when to us it looks bad and not nice... it might be a gift in the long horizon...

So I called her last night, apologised for my outburts, explained that it's not easy... but will give her the time, still see her (gym tonight) and see how it goes... she will have company with her dad for a few days and then her mum's friend is visiting for the wknd... after that it's as you were... so fingers crossed...

I'm not a bad person, I make mistakes... not grave ones (I don't cheat, I don't lie, I'm not abusive)... I'm just difficult, only child etc... but I want to learn and improve and compromise... as I can't be selfish all my life, as I will end up alone...

So let's see how this goes...

Update...

Well 2 weeks down the line... and today is the 2nd day of NC for me... in the past 2 weeks... we have been seeing each other etc... and she wants to continue to hang out a few times a week... but this would have made it easier for her to break-off completely...
I am actually much stronger these past few days as I have almost done my grieving... so when I asked her to come back and she again said she is not ready etc... I no longer get emotional...
It's not nice, it's really difficult and is very painful... if only I had gone to visit her... this would never have happened... anyhow... I'll keep you updated!
Thanks for the advice, just difficult to accept and I still can't fully accept it, though dealing with it better.

Good to hear that you ve started the N C-its for you.stick to it. Keep us posted. Good luck.

Thought I should give an update on this...

From the end of August to the middle of September... it just continued with us seeing each other, as I thought there was still a chance to get back properly... but every time I said, what do you think now... she would say... I'm still not ready... anyway I got annoyed one time and I just walked out and cut contact. Anyway 2 weeks later she e-mailed me asking me for a favour... I have a concierge in my apartment block, so I leave my key with the concierge for the cleaning lady, she does not have one, but she wanted to use my cleaning lady so she asked me if she could leave the key in my flat... I responded by saying yes on this occasion, but she should think of alternatives going forwards... she did not respond... 2 weeks later another e-mail asking for the remainder of her clothes... I was actually going away to LA from London to visit my mother and to get away the following day, so I said she can pick them up now or wait... where she then enquired about where I was going, to which I replied... abroad...
When I got back at the end of September... I e-mailed her to arrange to pick up her clothes... she said tomorrow, so I said fine... I will leave them (just one box) with the concierge, as I did not want to see her... too sad for me...
She picked them up and then next day e-mailed me saying that it was childish for me to have left them downstairs etc... to which I replied, I did not have any choice as I was too sad to see her... she then admitted that her behaviour and the way she broke up was "disgusting"... so we had one day of e-mail exchanges where I tried one last time to ask her to come back... as I deserved this opportunity etc... she said that she did at one point decide to come back, but then realised it would not work etc... and that she will never forget me... anyway that was it...

It's been one month now for me of "NC"... We use the same tube station, gym and thankfully I have not bumped into her... I'm gradually getting over her... but as in the past every time there is contact, it knocks me back a few weeks! I have been out, got into my work... going back to LA and Vegas in a few weeks...
But I still think about her... but less...
I partyed a lot over the past few weekends, trying to do what I did in my single life... had a couple of One night stands... I thought I would feel better... but not really, as I compare them to her... and makes me feel worse...

It really does take time... I have mainly good days, but I do have the occasional bad day... I suppose I will get over her... just wish it was immediate...

I'm dreading bumping into her... I think if it happens in a club or bar, then I'll just walk out... I'm not ready to see her with another guy... in the tube or gym... then I think a polite hello and then move on...

I also think part of my sadness is my ego being hurt... the fact that she decided to break-up, even though I had initiated it and was thinking about it, before I regretted it... and also the fact that she could be with someone else... just hurts a little...

But NC is the way forward, I'm much better than I was a month ago...

Thanks for everyone's help and advice...

NC will help you get over this.
Sadly sometimes things just don't work out and we must move on.

Well my ex broke up with me back in the August... it was a prolonged break up, I began NC at the end of August and then she sent me an email in October... so I began communication, but she still did not want to come back... so I cut again. Anyhow, I kept myself busy, dated a few girls... which was not a great idea as I would compare and it would make me sad.
Everyday I began to think less of her and pretty much thought I was over it in January. I bumped into her by chance in February... and I was not prepared... I looked a little uncomfortable... anyhow it was brief 2 minutes... a month later I get a text from her, saying:

"weird seeing you, you appeared scared of me, just wanted to see how you are, big hug....xx"

I did not reply... and I'm moving on, enjoying myself... but the other day, I was curious so I looked her up in Facebook and saw some pictures... just of her and female friends... and thought, wow she looks so nice... did I make a big mistake... etc...

So have been down for a day or so...

Is this normal... I'm moving on, but curiosity got the better of me and I had to look... and now I regret...

Any ideas.

Well my ex broke up with me back in the August... it was a prolonged break up, I began NC at the end of August and then she sent me an email in October... so I began communication, but she still did not want to come back... so I cut again. Anyhow, I kept myself busy, dated a few girls... which was not a great idea as I would compare and it would make me sad.
Everyday I began to think less of her and pretty much thought I was over it in January. I bumped into her by chance in February... and I was not prepared... I looked a little uncomfortable... anyhow it was brief 2 minutes... a month later I get a text from her, saying:

"weird seeing you, you appeared scared of me, just wanted to see how you are, big hug....xx"

I did not reply... and I'm moving on, enjoying myself... but the other day, I was curious so I looked her up in Facebook and saw some pictures... just of her and female friends... and thought, wow she looks so nice... did I make a big mistake... etc...

So have been down for a day or so...

Is this normal... I'm moving on, but curiosity got the better of me and I had to look... and now I regret...

Any ideas.

Yeah it's normal. I have an ex, three exes. I did NC with all of them. The third one I have a child with so I talk to him ever so often, but I don't miss him, he's a jerk. Anyway.. the other two, I did do NC with all the way, there were a couple times where I see them, whether it was on the web or in person. A part of me was like "why didn't I stay with them?" "why don't we work things out?" "why.. blah blah blah".

I can be friends with them, but I choose not to because I like to keep my life as uncomplicated as I can.

My opinion is, is to either:
a) contact her through Facebook, add her as a friend and start talking to her again. But don't go and start imagining you two being together again.. take it slow.

b) Like me, just keep moving on with your life and keep the past in the past.

Good luck to you :)

Remember what your going through is normal!

See it as a bump in the road,and your feelings of possible regret and wondering what if are normal.

Keep moving on and stay off her Facebook.

Hey man, whatever your curiosity you are feeling, its not worth the pain you feel after. Seeing her hurts you, so why would you want to open that old wound. She is history and you said it yourself she doesn't want to come back, don't even think about being friends with her it would only hurt you more and make it hard for you to move on. Just do what you were doing and move on.

I don't want to get back together, too much time has passed and knowing both of us, what we each did in the past 6 months would be too difficult and painful to deal with.

I really felt that I was getting over her... but I suppose all of this is normal and expected. Sometimes think why has she got in contact... in hindsight I should have cut immediately once I she told me she did not want to try anymore back in August... and I suppose the 2 times she contacted me were so that she could feel that the door was still open... just my gut feeling... I gave in the first time, but learnt my lesson on the 2nd occasion. Amazing how in time one gets stronger... but I was a little surprised at the fact that I got sad... I suppose I have been on my own the past 2 weeks... so could be that.
And why is it that she looks so much more attractive now to me, than before... and why do I think of all the good times... what a world.

I will try to refrain from being curious and looking her up on FB.
Thanks again

An Update:

Well on April 29th, I received a Facebook message notification by email; it was from my ex. It read:

"Hey....I'm quite upset that we have ended up like 2 strangers....why do you hate me so much xx"

I ignored her last message which was by text sever months before this one...

Firsty this message was sent a day before my birthday, the day before I was going on holiday from London to LA... so I was in a good mood... and did not care about her message... I assumed that the fact she is mailing me is possibly due to her missing me, wanting me back... testing the water etc... anyway... my life was great and is still is... but recently I have been dating a girl... and she just does not compare to my ex.. and have recently been a little sad... that perhaps I should have replied to her... maybe she wanted back... surely she must have been single, as why would she be thinking about me etc...

Anyway this was 10 weeks ago...

Why do you think she messaged me like that?
Will I ever get over he completely? 100%?

Thanks,
A

No you may never get over her completely but you can cope with the emotions the out of the blue contact makes you feel, and not let it affect you or the relationship your in now. That's not a good way to cope when you start comparing people simply because they are on your mind again suddenly. That's a distraction you don't need, so focus, and appreciate what you have now, not on what you had yesterday, and let those old stirred up feelings from the past settle back down.

They will pass if you don't hold on to them.

Holding on to the past is not what makes us move forward. Let it go Captain,it's in your past.

It's just that... with time (it's been a year)... you think a lot. I moved on in terms of getting on with my life 4 months after the break-up... my work has got busy and I have progressed there... things are fine. I have dated girls again... so back to normal in terms of my life... just I do think about her on occasion... and when she sent me a message in April... I dismissed it... more out of pride... as I really suffered in the break-up, so for her to be upset that we are strangers... was a bit of silly mail.
Just now... thinking back... perhaps it was her way of trying to communicate and maybe get back.
Even during the break-up, she was not so sure... it was her mum who made her strong enough to do it... she always felt it she was making a mistake... but she did it anyway...
Anyway, don't get me wrong... I have moved on... just I'm an old romantic, believe in destiny etc... and if she is meant for me she will return, be it in 1 month, a year... 5 years etc... just don't want to miss out if she is reaching out...
Anyway I won't be contacting her...
Just wanted to pick your brains to the reason why she would contact out of the blue with the message and with kisses etc...

She might have been thinking of you because it was your birthday. I often think of my exes on certain dates - birthdays, anniversaries. That doesn't mean I want to get back with them. It's just some pleasant memories.

Another thing to realize is that often your memories do become pleasant over time. It's difficult to compare a memory to a current relationship where you are dealing with getting to know someone, and having some ups and downs.

Just also wanted to put forth a suggestion.If you feel you would like to know why she sent you that message and something which you feel is really bugging you,then its always advisable to just ASK her.It could be something like,"Would like to understand what you have in mind by sending this message" or something like "Too much has happened with us in the past.Lets carry on with our lives unless there is something specific you would like to talk about"... anything that's direct yet restrained,mature and calm.You want to know what's up,you are curious for ols time's sake, but you're certainly not desperate or have any deeper intention than that.

I say this only because I feel,from your post,that you are attaching importance to her message.If it didn't matter to you or affect you apart from casual curiosity,I would have suggested no-contact.

After one of my break-ups,I went completely NC,like I always do.And by NC I mean a complete lock-down,switch-off.This guy tried to get in touch with me numerous times and sometimes it took everything I had to not reach out,just because I was very sure I did not want him back in my life.

I am better equipped today to face him and know that if there is such a situation I will react with the maturity and calmness I have learnt to acquire along the way.I know that if it honestly is "meant to be",then it can't just be a casual message on Facebook or a "Hi,whats up" text on my mobile.If I have to be convinced "This is it",then it would require more than a text or a message,from the other end.I am as sure about this as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west.Nothing short of the "Real Deal",the real kind of reaching out,communication,the real vibes will move me to even think about anything the other person does.I am that clear about this in my head.Hence,in my context,all the texts,messages,scribbles on networking sites meant/mean ZILCH and I don't even spend a minute pondering what's behind it all.If a person can text me or scribble to me,he can also call me/e-mail his point of view to me,talk to me directly and convince me.

I was just sharing my ideas with you,so that you get the drift.Rest is,how you think about the whole thing.Bottomline,you've worked a lot on yourself the past so many months,don't throw it all away.All the best.

I was reading my thread in it's entirety last night; and it's amazing how time heals. Just remembering what I was going through pretty much this time last year, the crying, the non-eating, the sadness. But I've come through it, even though I still think about her and just the good memories, I'm more in control.

Although when I did receive the message, before reading it... I felt really nervous... I suppose she is still in my heart... and I will always have some anxiety.

It's on my mind right now, with regards to what she wrote... at the time I dismissed it as the fact that perhaps she's lonely, she misses me and she has not met anyone that she can connect with like she did with me (forgive the arrogance), but when I mentioned this to my female friends, they agreed.

The reason for not replying to her was that the last time I replied, it was the confirmation she required that the door was still open... even if it is now, she needs to blatently write "I miss you, I want to come back" etc...

My big mistake was that when she made the decision to break-up, I should have cut contact immediately, as I'm certain she would have come back within a month... even if she came back and the problems would still be there... she would have come back. I needed to have been firm, rather than thinking if I keep in contact, I can persuade her!

I don't want to message her now, as I don't want to hear the word "no", or I'm seeing someone, in case my analysis is not correct. I will possibly message her on her birthday in October.

But surely if you have broken-up with your bf/gf, and months have passed and you are happy/seeing someone you like... you would not send a message to your ex, saying that you are upset that we have come strangers etc...

I think the real fact that has been brought to light is how much time, and thought you have given a simple text message. Maybe she wishes she could send you a birthday greeting and been done with it, but she didn't. Instead you get a cryptic and ambiguous message that begs for reply, and explanation. Good you didn't reply, but too bad you can't forget it.

That would have been my react, delete, and forget, because as your finding out, once curiosity is piquéd, it starts taking on its own life, and gets speculated so much, the truth of the matter is lost.

Now your going over a lot of old ground trying to find her meaning for her action when you already know the answer. She lost control, and wants it back. Her curiosity is getting to her. Not to get you back, or even in a friend zone. But to see if you still have feelings for her. If you show you do, her curiosity is satisfied and she no longer has to care. She doesn't any way, and it was but a passing thought, a test of the waters. Nothing more.

That's why its very important to drop this line of thinking and refocus on what your doing with yourself NOW!

Thanks talaniman.

Indeed that is why I did not reply, as that was exactly her reaction the first time I replied last year. However, I'm no way as emotional and out of control as I was right after the break-up. My life has improved considerably in terms of career, maturity (I hope) etc...

The reason for the break-up was my fault, and I realise this... she really did not do too much wrong, I was immature and I took her for granted etc... in the past year I have understood a lot... and in hindsight I would have behaved differently...
But yes I'm curious.

She is not on my friends list on FB, and but she's on her sister's list, so I check every now and again on there... and last night she updated her profile pic with a picture of that we took together... obviously with me cut-off. So I tried something, I put a picture that she took of me a couple of years ago... and oddly today she has updated her picture with one I took of her last year... I know these are childish games etc... just curious to what she is thinking... you are probably right she wants to know if the door is open, but unlike last time, I will not ask her to come back... so she will not know... and friends is out of the question... I'm prepared in how to handle and answer her, as I have learnt from my previous errors... so she is trying to test the water... but the only way she will get an answer is if she asks directly.

Anyway, I won't be contacting her... as then the ball will be in her court... just hoping for another message from her... in the meantime... I will continue to enjoy my life, the Summer.