I am a 24 year old female my husband is 28. We got together and married really quickly... within 8 months. He is Brazilian and I am british. We got married in Brazil first and two years later we renewed our marriage vows in England where we live. I am completely and totally in love with my husband, however we don't have sex anymore. We have a good time together and love each other but we don't seem to be able to sleep with one another... why? I feel like I want to but I can't seem to talk to him and tell him. He always says that I don't talk to him or tell him what I want which is really important to him. Now, we are at a point where we don't knmow what to do. SO as much as I want to have sex and be intimate I feel like it is going to go wrong and not be good. He is very open about talking about how he likes it and what he doesn't like and I'm not good at taking the bad things! I feel like I don't have much confidence in sex. Please help! I need to change and be confident and show him that I fancy him still!

Have you two not has sex at all or is this since you've been married?
Have you had a bad sexual experience?
It may help to talk to a professional so you can understand where your feelings and fear is coming from.

Dear Holly,

I just got married in January to a 34 year old man. He is so sexy to me and that is one of the reasons I married him. I have always been a very sexual person (I can talk about sex, instigate it, masterbate). We had an incredible sex life prior to the wedding but now it seems as though my husband has so many reasons for not having sex (tired, sore, its too much work). We no longer kiss passionately, have foreplay or change positions at all when we do have sex. He doesn't even want felatio if I try to instigate it. This is not due to me not trying to initiate it. In fact I feel as though I am desperate! I literally throw myself at him and get little to no response. If I pout because I feel ignored, he instantly tries to make up for it by snuggling me out of guilt, but by then I am turned off. Sex is soooo tricky because maintaining a good sex life takes 2 I think. I have decided to focus on me, Make myself feel good by increasing my own self esteem. I love sex and sex with him. That's not going to change, but how I go about getting it possibly is. Just try being yourself, takiong care of yourself, laughing and doing things that make you feel beautiful. How can he not notice that?

I am in the same situation as you guys. We got married 7mths ago and since then our sex life has gone down. I try to initiate it but I am tired of being the one to have to start things and then if he makes excuses or reasons not to do it then I feel bad and ugly. Also I feel that he prefers if I just give him oral rather than actual sex. This hurts a lot and doesn't make me feel very good, so much that I think about other guys who find me attractive. He always says he's tired but it wasn't a problem before we got married. I also miss kissing passionately and feeling wanted physically. I am starting to give up on that area. I am 28 and he is 26. Sorry I don't have any suggestions on what to do but I do understand how your feeling. Take care

Do some individual and couple counseling.


Dear Holly,

I just got married in January to a 34 year old man. He is so sexy to me and that is one of the reasons I married him. I have always been a very sexual person (i can talk about sex, instigate it, masterbate). We had an incredible sex life prior to the wedding but now it seems as though my husband has so many reasons for not having sex (tired, sore, its too much work). We no longer kiss passionately, have foreplay or change positions at all when we do have sex. He doesn't even want felatio if I try to instigate it. This is not due to me not trying to initiate it. In fact I feel as though I am desperate! I literally throw myself at him and get little to no response. If I pout because I feel ignored, he instantly tries to make up for it by snuggling me out of guilt, but by then I am turned off. Sex is soooo tricky because maintaining a good sex life takes 2 i think. I have decided to focus on me, Make myself feel good by increasing my own self esteem. I love sex and sex with him. That's not going to change, but how i go about getting it possibly is. Just try being yourself, taking care of yourself, laughing and doing things that make you feel beautiful. How can he not notice that?
You two might try some couple counseling.
When is the last time he's had a physical, has his work schedule or job circumstance changed?

You may be focusing on the sex being the problem, but usually its only a symptom of a greater problem that needs to be addressed.

There is another connection you are missing, and only through proper honest communications can you find it. So don't be ashamed of getting professional guidance, to learn to openly talk, and listen, that helps a lot.

But also don't make sex the issue because something else is going on, and you need to find out what it is so you can deal with it together.

As females we do tend to take the sex thing personal. If our mate does not want us sexually it bothers us more than it might bother a man, it affects us differently. But I agree with talaniman, by focusing on the sex, you may be missing something else. This can be an opportunity for you two to develop some good communication skills with each other and grow closer. Get some counseling to help you through this.