Hello everyone. Thank you in advance to everyone who reads and shares their opinion on this. I am looking for some support (or even if you disagree) on a punishment that I gave to my daughter for disobeying me. Here is what happened:

I was on my way home from work yesterday (she had the day off school due to Spring Break)-and she calls me from my babysitter's cell phone and asks me if she can go to her friend's house that lives down the street (just to clairify-my daughter's friend's house, not the babysitter's friend's house). I tell her she can go for a little while but she must get a ride home in the latter part of the evening. She says OK and we hang up.

The babysitter comes back to my house after dropping my daughter off (she had other children and is a nanny at my house) and is ranting about how she dropped her off at a different house other than the one down the street where her friend actually lives. I was livid! She told my daughter to call me and ask me if she could go somewhere with her friend. My daughter called and asked me if she could go to her friend's house! My daughter then turned around and told the babysitter that I said I didn't mind if I let her go somewhere with her friend (other than her friend's house) . So, she lied to me and she lied to the babysitter. My daughter ended up going to her friend's step dad's friend's house-someone who I don't even know and have never met. I haven't even met her friend's step dad. I've heard about him, but never have spoken to the man. She knew I would not let her go and that's why she didn't tell me where she was really going. She tried to pull a fast one on me.
Needless to say, I turned around with the babysitter, kids and all, and went right back to the house where she had dropped my daughter off. I picked her back up-she argued-I tried to explain to her that she is not the boss and she does not lie to me about who she is with or where she is going. I told her if she wanted to be able to go out and do things with her friends, she has to be 100% honest with me in order for me to trust her. She broke my trust and it broke my heart. I then grounded her for a week and told her no friends can come over, and she could not go to any of her friend's house. I also told her she could not use her cell phone.
Was I being too harsh? Not harsh enough? Opinions please. She cried her eyes out last night and all this morning-which broke my heart-but I stayed strong. I appreciate opinions and don't mind constructive criticism as I'm a young parent and could use some guidance.

Thank you.

You did the right thing - you have to do something that gets her attention. Sometimes it's "the talk;" other times it's depriving her of something.

I would read some of the stories about missing kids to her.

The lying would really upset me!

You absolutely did the right thing! Lying is unacceptable behavior. She needs to learn that now rather than later.

Now, as a double check system, when you give her permission to go to a friend's house, talk to the nanny as well and let her know what you approved of.

Thanks ladies! I forgot to mention that my daughter is only 12 years old. She is extremely bright, but also extremely mature for her age and she seems to be portraying behavior that I wouldn't normally expect out of a 12 year old. I did actually give her some stories about how kids become missing like that. She may have met these people while at her friend's house but that does not mean that she actually KNOWS these people. I tried to explain to her that you don't KNOW people after meeting them once or twice for a few minutes. Now my test comes-I got to stick with the punishment.

My rule was not unless I met the parents and unless I talked to the parents about that specific plan.

My neighbor's child came home Saturday night with brushburns I would not have believed. She is also 12. She and her friend went to a local park - strictly forbidden by my friend but allowed by the mother of the child she was visiting - and rode on some guy's dirtbike (also strictly forbidden). She is high honor roll and school smart, street stupid.

He tipped it and she was injured.

My BIG RULE was "don't lie to me. Not now, not ever. You lie once I'll never again believe you."

Kids have no sense of what can happen to them.

My rule was not unless I met the parents and unless I talked to the parents about that specific plan.

My neighbor's child came home Saturday night with brushburns I would not have believed. She is also 12. She and her friend went to a local park - strictly forbidden by my friend but allowed by the mother of the child she was visiting - and rode on some guy's dirtbike (also strictly forbidden). She is high honor roll and school smart, street stupid.

He tipped it and she was injured.

My BIG RULE was "don't lie to me. Not now, not ever. You lie once I'll never again believe you."

Kids have no sense of what can happen to them.


I know. I know this girl's mother, I should have called her to confirm it. . One thing I cannot stand is a sneaky person. I am not one that can be lied to I always find out the truth eventually. I did go over with my babysitter that from now on, when my daughter wants to ask me if she can do something, then she (the babysitter) needs to confirm it. I just can't believe she doesn't see the wrong in what she did (my daughter). I know I have to be her mother, I can't always be her friend, but she acts like she totally hates me sometimes. If she does not get her way, it's an argument. She is slowly going to become out of control if I do not take the upper hand right now and that scares me. All I can think is -Oh Lord-what next?

I also agree with your punishment and hope you can follow through with it. My only concern is that your daughter will become defiant and, as a result, sneakier.

I have only sons, so maybe someone with daughters could address that.

I just can't believe she doesn't see the wrong in what she did (my daughter).
Kids also believe they are immortal, and that horror story about somebody else will never happen to them.

As a kid, I even agree with punishing her. At that age, my parents were always checking up me. I think that the suggestions expressed already are grand ideas.

Wondergirl makes a good point. I think you did the right think and I think you should follow through with the punishment, but make sure she has opportunities to earn your trust back.

It sounds like you are on the right track and don't have her on too short of a leash for her age right now. Just make sure you stay on the right track. When kids feel like they're being babied too much and that they can't talk to their parent, it can definitely lead to sneakiness. Keep talking to her and making sure she knows she can always tell you the truth.

Kids also believe they are immortal, and that horror story about somebody else will never happen to them.

Exactly-I know! She always argues "MOM! I'm smarter than that, I won't ever do that stuff (on discussions we have re: drugs, sex, etc.). But then she does things like this-I think this is only the beginning of what I'm about to endure. Not that I don't love my daughter or think the best of her, she just needs to understand that it's about her safety and that I love her. And no matter how much I tell her that, she thinks nothing will ever happen to her. A lot of her friend's parents let her friends do a lot more than I let my daughter do (go to the mall by themselves, go to an amusement park, the local wal-mart, the movies) by themselves. I won't let her go unless there is a parent present and I do have to talk to the parent. She thinks I'm over-protective-which maybe I am, but she still gets a lot of freedom. She gets to have friends come over, slumber parties, she is only 12 years old, but the girl looks like she is about 14-15 years old. Scary stuff...

I never believed my mom either when she told me I couldn't walk places with my friends because she didn't trust other people. I had to learn on my own from other people. I believed her when I started paying to the news and all the missing children stories, when I would watch all those 48 hour mysteries and cold case files, or took self defense classes where they really focused on what easy targets women can be for predators. Maybe its time for her to take a self defense class. It sounds like she might need to hear everything you're saying from someone else to really get it.

I won't let her go unless there is a parent present and I do have to talk to the parent.
That was always my rule too.

You can tell her it's not HER you're worried about as much as the other people she'll be with (like the dirtbike driver?). Just like when I drive my car. I know I'm a terrific driver, but then there are all those other drivers on the road with me...

make sure she has opportunities to earn your trust back.
Maybe that's a good way to forestall future defiance and sneakiness -- tell her she's going to have to suffer for a few days, but then tell her how much you love her, so you will be thinking of ways she can regain your trust in order to shorten her prison time. Maybe she can even make suggestions for this. It'll give her something to think about.

Maybe that's a good way to forestall future defiance and sneakiness -- tell her she's going to have to suffer for a few days, but then tell her how much you love her, so you will be thinking of ways she can regain your trust in order to shorten her prison time. Maybe she can even make suggestions for this. It'll give her something to think about.


Well I grounded her for a week with NO Cell phone activity and NO friend activity-which of course is torturous for her. So I think in a few days I'll let her use the cell phone to have contact with the outside world, but no friends can come over and she cannot go over to a friend's house for the remainder of the week (including the weekend).
I'm doing the best I can. There are other problems too, which I don't know if I should start another thread or not, but I have her in counseling right now too, so the fact that she pulled this stunt after all we have been through really just makes me feel betrayed.

I wouldn't give her the cell phone back. If you have a house phone, let her talk to her friends that way, but limit the amount of time she can use it. If you start caving on one part of her punishment, she may think she can push the rest of the limits. At least for right now, you need to stand by the letter of the punishment.

if you start caving on one part of her punishment, she may think she can push the rest of the limits.
I didn't say Mom should cave in. Since the daughter isn't a bad kid, use her good brain and desire to behave by getting her to invest in her own rehab in various ways. If she's part of the solution, maybe that will make her think twice and a little deeper next time when she's presented with choices.

If you're going to give it back, I'd make her work real hard to earn it back early. Me and my cousins never cared if we got grounded early in the week. We knew by the weekend we'd be off the hook and get to go out. We only worried when we got in trouble on a Friday or Saturday. Those days were harder to get out of trouble. But we still knew that at least half the time we'd still get out of being grounded. It just turned into empty threats and we knew it.

if you're going to give it back, i'd make her work real hard to earn it back early. me and my cousins never cared if we got grounded early in the week. we knew by the weekend we'd be off the hook and get to go out. we only worried when we got in trouble on a friday or saturday. those days were harder to get out of trouble. but we still knew that at least half the time we'd still get out of being grounded. it just turned into empty threats and we knew it.

This is exactly what she does to me! I grounded her through the weekend as well-she will not be free by then. But she probably thinks she will. I have to stand my ground with her or else she will never take me seriously.

I have to stand my ground with her or else she will never take me seriously.

Yes Ma'am you do! You need to stick with the initial punishment or she will know what buttons to push if there is a next time.

Mo, you know me by now and you know that I don't sugar coat, even with my own children. If she cries, sorry, she did something wrong and is now facing the consequences. If she doesn't want to get in trouble she needs to be honest with you at all times. She needs to know that next time she gets caught, the consequences will be worse.

You did exactly what I would have done. Now, keep with the punishment, but don't keep bringing up what happened.

You love her, but you don't like what she did. She needs to know that.

I totally agree with the punishment and staying consistent.

The earning your trust back begins by accepting that she did something she wasn't supposed to do and lied about it to, at least, two people-you and the babysitter. It continues by showing that she really is as mature as she thinks she is by abiding by the terms of the punishment without too much complaining and trying to guilt trip you into giving in to what she really wants. Let her know that she will get farther ahead if she plays by the rules. She can even help herself by coming up with things to do while she is grounded such as giving her room a good cleaning, reading a book, cleaning the rest of the house, etc.

Maybe over the weekend you can do something together to have some bonding time.

Also, let her know that she has to talk to the babysitter about how she can regain her trust.

If she is in therapy, you may want to let her therapist know what happened. Sometimes, having a third party explain the dangers can give added weight to your words and soften the 'Mommy, doesn't love me' argument.

The summer after I was in 7th grade, a girl I knew was murdered. She had been over at her cousin's house and decided to leave with her cousin's friend. No one saw her after that.

For weeks the cops told her parents that she was probably a runaway.

Her body was found stuffed into a drainage pipe off the bike path. She had been raped, beaten, and murdered. Then her body was taken there and hidden.

She had just turned 13. He was 16.

She hadn't told anyone she was leaving her cousin's house. No one knew where she'd gone. They weren't even sure she'd left with the boy.

He was tried as an adult.

Her family and friends (most of whom were under the age of 15) got to attend a closed casket funeral.

Your daughter needs to understand that things can, and DO, happen.

the summer after i was in 7th grade, a girl i knew was murdered. she had been over at her cousin's house and decided to leave with her cousin's friend. no one saw her after that.

for weeks the cops told her parents that she was probably a runaway.

her body was found stuffed into a drainage pipe off the bike path. she had been raped, beaten, and murdered. then her body was taken there and hidden.

she had just turned 13. he was 16.

she hadn't told anyone she was leaving her cousin's house. no one knew where she'd gone. they weren't even sure she'd left with the boy.

he was tried as an adult.

her family and friends (most of whom were under the age of 15) got to attend a closed casket funeral.

your daughter needs to understand that things can, and DO, happen.

I can add to that. Back in 1981 one of my best friends went with her mother to pick up her brother at a SCHOOL wrestling match. Deanie (my friend) told her mother she was going to the bathroom, at SCHOOL, and was never found again. Yes, Deanie is a cold case. We reflect on her every February. I will never forget being interviewed by the police or being accused of hiding her.

You can read all about her here... deanie peters - Google Search (http://www.google.com/search?source=ig&hl=en&rlz=&=&q=deanie+peters&aq=f&aqi=g2&aql=&oq=&gs_rfai=)

J, that's just horrible! I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

I have an 11 year old son that thinks he knows everything and I don't need to protect him. I know I do, but he's 11 and doesn't know squat.

That's my take on this. You have to make sure she understands why what she did is wrong, why it worries you, why she cannot and will not ever do this again.

Your punishment is not too harsh, I would have been harsher just to drive the point home.

My son doesn't have a cell phone, my choice, I don't think a child that age needs one and I don't agree with giving a child a luxury like that unless he/she pays for it. Just me though, you have the right to do what you believe.

Here are some facts. Children are molested, raped, kidnapped and killed every day. The "it won't happen to me" mentality is not safe. It can happen. I guarantee that the parents on the news, with missing or murdered children, didn't think it would happen to them either.

Another fact. No matter how often you tell her this, she won't believe you. She's 12. She believes she knows everything. She thinks she is untouchable. She thinks she is mature. She's not.

In other words, you're doing just fine. Don't back down, make sure she knows that you are sticking to this. After the punishment is over have a heart to heart, tell her that she's not as untouchable as she thinks she is. If she won't believe you, send her here, I'll tell her about me, my story, because I thought I knew it all and I paid for it. Thankfully I lived to tell the tale.

Good luck to you. Aren't tweens fun? ;)

I absolutely agree with everything. Kids are just plain stupid. I sure as heck was. I thought I was old enough to do all sorts of things, NO. I lied to my parents, guess what? They found out, they punished me, I cried and I hated them because I didn't think they should have punished me. But guess what else? I'm still alive, I've gotten smarter thanks to them. I ALWAYS let someone know where I go, even as an adult. You can never be too careful.

A few times when I was 16 I went and hung out with a friend.. My mother always thought I stayed at her place. NOPE. We left, her mom and dad didn't care or didn't know where we went, and my mom thought I was at my friend's house. More than once did I stay out all night with strangers (drink a bit) and nobody but the people I was with knew where I was. A few times these people were older guys. Thank GOD nothing ever happened to me, but I was stupid. Not only did I go to an unknown place with unknown people, but there was alcohol. Anything could have happened to me. I thank my lucky stars that nothing did, because I could honestly see how things could have turned out very differently. My grandparent's could have been attending MY funeral rather than me attending theirs.
I don't do that anymore.

Ohso's comment made me think about myself. I'm usually a little on the paranoid side. I keep pepper spray on my keys, constantly look over my shoulder walking to my car, walk far away from anyone that gives me the slightest funny feeling and I've been doing that for years. Thle younger. At still didn't stop me from doing stupid things when I was a little younger. My friend would always tell her mom she was going to my house while I would tell my aunt I was going to my friends house. We got lucky that nothing ever bad happened to us. We very easily could have ended up one of those girl's on cnn or cold case files

Yes as of today I am still sticking to my ground with her. I have had a heart to heart with her and have explained to her why she did what she did was wrong. She argued. But I am sure I have put it in her head enough. I don't like the idea of younger children having cell phones either-because it is mainly a privilge. However, I let her have one when she started riding the bus home from school. She stayed an hour and half alone at home after school until I made it home from work. This went on for about a year;hence the new babysitter. We do not have a house phone. I wanted her to have a cell phone for emergency purposes. Of course-that isn't ALL she uses it for. But that was why it ever came about in the first place. I did make plans for her and me to spend some time together alone this weekend. She seemed to go for it-so far. Hopefully I can get a good talk in with her when it is just the two of us to find out what is going on in that pretty little head of hers.
Today, she had the school nurse call me and tell me she had vomited. But she was running no fever and there was no witnesses to her getting sick. I feel that she was lying about that because she didn't want to be in school. What the hell? I loved school when I went to elementary school! She is in the sixth grade-that is still elementary where we are from. I fear that she is headed toward the wrong path in life and I don't know how to help her. Please keep sharing your thoughts with me-as it is appreciated greatly.

I feel that she was lying about that because she didn't want to be in school. What the hell?
Perhaps, if she truly did lie about vomiting, it was a small way to regain some control over you, that you would take her out of school and then she could sit at home thinking, "Ha, ha. I won with that one!"

yes as of today I am still sticking to my ground with her. I have had a heart to heart with her and have explained to her why she did what she did was wrong. She argued. But I am sure I have put it in her head enough. I don't like the idea of younger children having cell phones either-because it is mainly a privilge. However, I let her have one when she started riding the bus home from school. She stayed an hour and half alone at home after school until I made it home from work. This went on for about a year;hence the new babysitter. We do not have a house phone. I wanted her to have a cell phone for emergency purposes. Of course-that isn't ALL she uses it for. But that was why it ever came about in the first place. I did make plans for her and me to spend some time together alone this weekend. She seemed to go for it-so far. Hopefully I can get a good talk in with her when it is just the two of us to find out what is going on in that pretty little head of hers.
Today, she had the school nurse call me and tell me she had vomited. But she was running no fever and there was no witnesses to her getting sick. I feel that she was lying about that because she didn't want to be in school. What the hell? I loved school when I went to elementary school! She is in the sixth grade-that is still elementary where we are from. I fear that she is headed toward the wrong path in life and I don't know how to help her. Please keep sharing your thoughts with me-as it is appreciated greatly.

Pretending to be sick to get out school is the oldest trick in the book. Sometimes, even if you like school, you just don't feel like being there that day.

You don't HAVE to pick her up, especially if you don't think she's really sick. Let her sit in the nurse's office all day. I know when I was in school, it was about the most boring place in the entire school.

pretending to be sick to get out school is the oldest trick in the book. sometimes, even if you like school, you just don't feel like being there that day.

you don't HAVE to pick her up, especially if you don't think she's really sick. let her sit in the nurse's office all day. i know when i was in school, it was about the most boring place in the entire school.

Yeah I'm almost certain that she is truly fine. I even discussed with the nurse that if she isn't running a fever, and there was no proof of her actually getting sick, that maybe she can try and remain in school and be monitored. The nurse thought that was a great idea!

I spent the day in the nurse's office on at least one occasion when I was in school. I decided I didn't want to be there that day, so I went to the nurse not long after school started. She called my mom. My mom decided I wasn't sick. I spent the rest of the day sitting in silence bored out of my mind.

I would usually read whenever I got the chance to. The nurse decided that if I was 'sick' enough to want to go home, that I was too sick to read. Best punishment they ever could've come up with.

I think my main issue here isn't just this stunt that she has pulled recently-overall-it's all the little stunts and I have had it! She is a wonderful little girl. I know she is 12, but she is still a little girl! I don't dare want her to make the same mistakes I did. I know we or most of us-have heard this from our parents-but it is so true! I see many red flags as a result of her behavior and I need to help her "see the light". I totally wish I would have taken different avenues when I had the chance. And I had many opportunities to do so. I chose to look the other way. My life ended up being OK, but it took a lot of failing and extra hard work to get here. I just can't sit back and watch her make all these crazy choices, but how do I step in without making her completely shut me out?

Does she know about the choices you made that you might go back and change if you could? For example, my aunt always talked about how much they regretting dropping out of school and getting married too soon and having kids too early. That had been the cycle in our family. Me and my cousins are the first generation as far back as any of us can remember that are or already have finished college, waited or are waiting to get married and have kids. Her being really honest about her own choices has made a big difference for us. Even if she knows all about your choices now, I wouldn't expect her to see the light for at least a few more years. I don't think I started getting it until I was about 16 or 17. And that was just starting to get it, not fully understanding why what my aunt was telling me was important.

Yes, I've had that talk with her and at the time she seemed to have really understood. She sees how hard I struggle, she has another little sister and little brother. Plus-I'm a single parent on top of that. Her response to that conversation was "Mom, I'm not stupid-I'm not going to do that or I won't ever try that. But as popular as she is-she is not a leader, she is a follower and can easily be persuaded to do something she knows better than to do. I know this because she is just like I was then. And that scares me.

The problem is, people, especially children, almost never learn from the mistakes of others. They always think that they're special or different or smarter and things will turn out differently for them.

Yes, I've had that talk with her and at the time she seemed to have really understood.
Even if she intellectually understands, there is still that little voice in her that says, "But you are different from your mom. It won't happen to you the same way. You are invincible, and not like your mom."

Kids think, "It won't happen to me, and if it does, I'll be fine."

Hheath, there must have been a cloning device between our brains and computers at 2:26!

I know-I understand what you all are saying. I mean-is there anything more I can do? I've already done everything that you all have suggested, so I must be doing something right. But her behavior is still extremely wrong in a lot of ways. I wish I could have seen the signs earlier, I just want her to be the best she can be. And everything I'm saying here I've already told her. What more can I do?

There's nothing more you can do. You're doing your best to be the best mother possible. You have her in therapy. You're setting rules nad boundaries and enforcing the punishments when she breaks them.

It seems, to me, that you're doing everything you can.

What more can I do?
Could you get her involved in a volunteer activity, especially one that the two of you can do together, say, at a nursing home or an animal shelter or a horse rescue farm or a food pantry? -- a place where the two of you seriously work at least two hours a week? Certainly there would be such a place near you? (As a 12 y/o, I was passionate about horses... )

It might help to talk to her therapist about your concerns.

Did your ex have any influence over her? If so, this conversation might take a different direction.

It might help to talk to her therapist about your concerns.

Did your ex have any influence over her? If so, this conversation might take a different direction.

I have/do speak to her counselor about my concerns. She hates the ex-so I don't think her behavior is reflective of his. She is crying out for some kind of attention obviously-but not from me. Or so it seems...

Mo, she's being a pre teen. She's not necessarily crying out for attention, she's trying to grow her wings and fly but feels held down because of your rules. This is what teens do.

Now, if she were getting drunk and sneaking out at night and having sex, that would be attention seeking.

She's just trying to see how much she can get away with. Going to the school nurse to get out of school is so common. I deal with it quite frequently with my 8 year old. Once he learned that he has to stay in bed and cannot play with the neighbor kids, that behavior stopped.

Oh, I am glad she hates the ex. I really hoped we did not have to go down that path.

Mo, she's being a pre teen. She's not necessarily crying out for attention, she's trying to grow her wings and fly but feels held down because of your rules. This is what teens do.

Now, if she were getting drunk and sneaking out at night and having sex, that would be attention seeking.

She's just trying to see how much she can get away with. Going to the school nurse to get out of school is so common. I deal with it quite frequently with my 8 year old. Once he learned that he has to stay in bed and cannot play with the neighbor kids, that behavior stopped.

Oh, I am glad she hates the ex. I really hoped we did not have to go down that path.


There are other underlying issues as well-which I did not mention. About 3 months ago she started cutting herself (this is hard to type as it is very dis-heartening)-which is why I put her into counseling. She doesn't speak much to the counselor but I've been keeping on top of it. It seems to me that she is seeking out some kind of attention. She has low self esteem and seems depressed at times. I don't know if I should contact the pediatrician or just give the counseling more time.

How long has she been in counseling?

I take it, from the little bit j has said, that you're coming out of a bad relationship fairly recently. Is it possible she's reacting to that?

How long has she been in counceling? Do you go into the sessions with her? How often does she go? How long are the sessions?

It can take a long time to trust a therapist enough to open up to them. I would give it more time.

You should also do your best to limit the number of sharp objects she can get a hold of. It'll be hard. It's amazing how many things it's possible to cut yourself with if you really think about it. Knives, razors, safety pins, scissors, needles, nails, screws, glass, nailclippers and pretty much anything else you can get an edge or point on.

Heath, this was a VERY bad relationship.

It's my guess that she was responding to this relationship by cutting. She can control her own pain by cutting, but she was not able to control anything else when this so-called man was in your life.

Knowing you and your relationship Mo, I really do believe that the cutting has a lot to do with this relationship you were in and what she had been exposed to while you were in this relationship.

It's my guess that she was responding to this relationship by cutting. She can control her own pain by cutting, but she was not able to control anything else when this so-called man was in your life.
Control is what it all comes down to. Bingeing and purging, cutting, even piercings and tattoos (kids, not adults), and any kind of acting out are attempts to control at least one thing in their lives when all else (they think) is beyond their control.

Does her therapist specialize in child therapy? Does she have experience dealing with those who self-harm? If not, then the therapy will likely get nowhere.

does her therapist specialize in child therapy? does she have experience dealing with those who self-harm? if not, then the therapy will likely get nowhere.
As long as the therapist understands the minor's need for control and knows where to go from there, I don't agree that the therapist has to be versed in dealing specifically with self-harm. The counseling programs are broad enough that specifics like that wouldn't concern me as much as how well my child and the therapist "click."

When I was 16, I cut myself for a short time. It was SO stupid. There aren't any scars because it was never deep, but I did it for control and attention. It backfired, I got less control at least, and not the kind of attention I was looking for. She wants something, she wants to express something, but she doesn't know how to tell you. I'm sure she probably feels helpless and like no matter what she does she has no control, those are some things that she DOES have control over and she will take it where she can get it.
Limit the sharp stuff around the house as much as you can. Because she will fond soemthing if she wants to, and maybe make her go to the bathroom BEFORE she eats so she doesn't use the excuse that she has to pee, then keep an eye on her. Distract her after dinner. Maybe offer to watch a movie with her, rent one for the two of you and just sit and enjoy it. That way You can spend more time together, try to bond, and you'll be keeping an eye on her health. I hope it works.

Well her real dad just committed suicide back in October-I know that bothers her a lot. Someone she knew at school had cut themselves-a few of her friends do it (she won't tell me who). So I really don't think that her cutting herself has anything to do with my relationship with the ex. Not to say that some of her other types of behavior isn't related-but I don't think the cutting has anything to do with my ex. I currently don't have insurance. I have been working with the school counselor who referred us to a free counselor who works specifically with children. She has seen him twice. He is only available every two weeks. So this is all new and I believe it will take time. I know she would prefer a woman counselor over a man so I am looking into that as well. I apologize it has taken me so long to get back to you all-I don't have the internet available to me at home so I can only use it Monday -Friday when I'm at work.

That almost seems scarier to me if she's just doing it because her friends are. Doing things because everyone else is, or it seems like everyone else is, just never seems to go well. I hope this counselor is able to help her. I think you're right though, I think it will take time to see results. It really does sound like you're doing everything you can to be the best mother. I hope your daughter can see that, that everything you're doing is for her best interest.

that almost seems scarier to me if she's just doing it because her friends are. doing things because everyone else is, or it seems like everyone else is, just never seems to go well. i hope this counselor is able to help her. i think you're right though, i think it will take time to see results. it really does sound like you're doing everything you can to be the best mother. i hope your daughter can see that, that everything you're doing is for her best interest.

Yeah. When I try to ask her why she is doing it she doesn't really give me a straight answer. But it always ends as "...well I'm not the only one who does it, some of my friends do it too!". She just says she has a lot of pressure because of her friends. She has told me some of the drama she goes through sometimes with her friends, she has a lot and is quite popular though. It's just catty tween stuff. But she takes everything to heart and carries it with her. She told me she didn't know why she cut herself and that it was stupid and she never wanted to do it again. But she ended up doing it again.
Supposedly, she told some of her friends that her ex boyfriend died of leukimia (sp?) that is why she cuts herself (her ex boyfriend did not die). Then she told them that she had cancer and was going to die and that not to ask me about it (because they didn't believe her) because I didn't know about it yet. This is absurd. Of course she denies it all, but there are some serious underlying issues that I just cannot plainly see. I know they are there, but I don't know what exactly they are.

I had a friend in middle school that also cut. We were best friends, went to school together, lived down the street, and she still managed to hid it from me for I don't even know how long. I had no idea she had ever cut until one of our other friends started to. That's when she started talking about it. She'd been in counseling for a while too. She could never really explain why she did it. She said it was almost like an addiction and even once she wanted to stop it was difficult.

i had a friend in middle school that also cut. we were best friends, went to school together, lived down the street, and she still managed to hid it from me for i don't even know how long. i had no idea she had ever cut until one of our other friends started to. that's when she started talking about it. she'd been in counseling for a while too. she could never really explain why she did it. she said it was almost like an addiction and even once she wanted to stop it was difficult.

I know. There has to be some kind of mentality behind it though-it can't be unexplainable. I mean-what is going through these kids' minds when they do this. I mean, I know some possibilities, but it seems as if none of those relate to my daughter. She is hiding something really well, I really am scared for her at times, but am afraid of how to approach her in fear of her ending up never coming to me at all when she needs someone the most.

I think its safe to say that everyone here knows you love your daughter and will always be there for her. But maybe she needs more reassurances.
You've probably already told her this, but just in case you haven't yet, make sure she knows that if she's ever in any trouble or needs you, that you'll be there for her. She's a little young for the drinking and driving example, but it's the only one that comes to mind. My aunt made it very clear that she did not want any of us drinking, but that if we were going to drink, we'd be in way more trouble if we drank and drove than we would be if we drank and called her to come pick us up. Maybe she's worried you'll be mad at her for whatever it is she is hiding and that she'll get in trouble. I remember I used to be much more worried about getting in trouble for something then I was for getting help for anything when I was younger.

Well her real dad just committed suicide back in October-I know that bothers her alot. Someone she knew at school had cut themselves-a few of her friends do it (she won't tell me who). So I really don't think that her cutting herself has anything to do with my relationship with the ex. Not to say that some of her other types of behavior isn't related-but I don't think the cutting has anything to do with my ex. I currently don't have insurance. I have been working with the school counselor who referred us to a free counselor who works specifically with children. She has seen him twice. He is only available every two weeks. So this is all new and I believe it will take time. I know she would prefer a woman counselor over a man so I am looking into that as well. I apologize it has taken me so long to get back to you all-I don't have the internet available to me at home so I can only use it Monday -Friday when I'm at work.

She's been going through a lot, and she doesn't know how to understand and deal with it, yet. Give her time. If, after about 6-9 months, it doesn't seem like there's any progress, see about finding her additional, or different, help.

Having a male therapist, might actually be good for her. It sounds like she lacks male role models, men she can look up to and trust. Learning to trust this therapist may help heal the wounds caused by her father's death and your ex's actions.

Is there a support group in your area for children who've lost a parent to suicide? My niece goes to one. She also went to a summer camp last year for kids like that. They had group therapy along with the other activities. Her father hanged himself in January last year, a week before her tenth birthday.

If my sister hadn't already been in a relationship with a really great guy, and hadn't found that group, then it's very possible that my niece could've ended up like your daughter. As it is, talking to other kids who've gone through the same thing, has helped her a lot. She doesn't have to feel like she's alone and no one understands her.


Yeah. When I try to ask her why she is doing it she doesn't really give me a straight answer. But it always ends as "...well I'm not the only one who does it, some of my friends do it too!". She just says she has a lot of pressure because of her friends. She has told me some of the drama she goes thru sometimes with her friends, she has a lot and is quite popular though. It's just catty tween stuff. But she takes everything to heart and carries it with her. She told me she didn't know why she cut herself and that it was stupid and she never wanted to do it again. But she ended up doing it again.
Supposedly, she told some of her friends that her ex boyfriend died of leukimia (sp?) that is why she cuts herself (her ex boyfriend did not die). then she told them that she had cancer and was going to die and that not to ask me about it (because they didn't believe her) because I didn't know about it yet. This is absurd. Of course she denies it all, but there are some serious underlying issues that I just cannot plainly see. I know they are there, but I don't know what exactly they are.

She probably doesn't UNDERSTAND why she's doing it. She's on twelve. I know at that age, I didn't understand all my emotions, let alone what caused them.

She obviously wants attention and for people to feel sorry for her. My guess, is that she's more hurt and upset by her father's death and your ex's actions than she's letting on. She doesn't want to seem weak and effected by those things, so she's creating other situations for people to feel sorry for her over.

Have you tried sitting her down and explaining exactly how you would feel if she DID have cancer? What about talking about your feelings about her father's death and your ex? Sometimes, it helps to know what someone else is feeling. She may realize that she's not the only one to feel the way she does.