My Fiancé left on 14 March 2010. She said she needed space and came with her parents and packed her things and left me. It has now been 2 weeks and here is what has happened, initially she asked for space and I couldn't give her that, I kept texting her and emailing her, along with sending her flowers and a card. Wrong I know. She changed her number and deleted me as a friend on Facebook. So we have had no communication for a solid week. I did mail her bills to her and since we split bills she emailed me and said thanks for sending the bills here is what you owe me (my half) and said have a great day! I emailed her back and said I already mailed you a check have a great day and weekend. She is now an hour away with her parents and I have no communication. She is 2.5 months pregnant with my child. I love her and want this too work out. Our fights were over me saving money(which I have now started a saving acct) and that I would talk down to her,(I have went to a dr and been prescribed meds, along with I am going to a counselor) I am trying very hard to make this work. She did tell my mom that she has fallen out of love with me and that all she ever wanted was for a baby to come into the world with a loving family and that she doesn't know what's going to happen with us. Her Facebook status's at first were very upbeat, then after I had no communication it has changed to "kinda upset, wish I had life figured out".. my counselor suggest I write her a letter describing the help I'm getting and saying sorry. I did say some mean things out of anger and initially when we were still communicating she said she didn't really care cause she knows that in a month if she doesn't talk to me that I will be moved on to someone else. This however, is not the case I am committed to making this work because I truly love her and want to be with her. She was great with my 4 year old daughter from a previous marriage, and she dislikes the fact of a broken home and how far my ex moved away after our divorce(1 hour). My Counselor suggest I send the letter this week. What are your thoughts? Send the letter or not? Do we have a chance to make this work?
Thanks

Our fights were over me saving money(which I have now started a saving acct) and that I would talk down to her,(I have went to a dr and been prescribed meds, along with I am going to a counselor) I am trying very hard to make this work. first of all let me say this, you have no right in any WAY to ever talk down to the person you want to share your life with. She is your partner not your friend or sister, respect her the way she should be respected. You did this to yourself, you went to seek help when it was already over. Im not trying to sound harsh but you know you should always respect your women, your not greater then her nor lower then her you 2 are equal.

he did tell my mom that she has fallen out of love with me that feeling does not come over night. You had emotionally abused her over and over again to the point that she had enough, and once she had already accepted the fact that she can do better for herself it may be to late for you. Writing that letter may be good, but I don't think she will care of how you feel because you didn't care about how she felt. Home all goes well for you, but give her space and time, and do a lot of work on yourself, and prove to her that you are not the guy that she thought you were. If you love someone you should be there for her, comfort her, up lift her, motivate her, not talk down on her and emotionally abuse her. You are now harvesting the seed you've planted! I can be wrong but I'm just giving you my thoughts you can agree or disagree. Good luck and hope everything goes well!

I personally don't think you should send her a letter explaining anything. It may just make you come across as annoying to her.
I would suggest just continue getting the help you know you need, working on yourself, and continue getting your own affairs together. In time, Im very sure she will be getting in contact with you. And just the fact that she is carryinbg your child, I guarantee it.
In the meantime, make your changes and build your confidence and show that you can be fine without her. And when the time comes when she does contact you, you will be better perpared for any reconciliation.

I agree That nobody should ever be talked down to or made to feel less. I feel bad that I did it, problem was I wasn't aware I was doing it. The letter isn't really explaining anything except that I know I made mistakes and when she is ready I will always be here for her, I know that when I should have been her rock and foundation I wasn't. She is worried that Im not going to change or won't stick with the change.

first of all let me say this, you have no right in any WAY to ever talk down to the person you want to share your life with. She is your partner not your friend or sister, respect her the way she should be respected. You did this to yourself, you went to seek help when it was already over. Im not trying to sound harsh but you know you should always respect your women, your not greater then her nor lower then her you 2 are equal.
that feeling does not come over night. You had emotionally abused her over and over again to the point that she had enough, and once she had already accepted the fact that she can do better for herself it may be to late for you. writing that letter may be good, but i dont think she will care of how you feel because you didnt care about how she felt. Home all goes well for you, but give her space and time, and do alot of work on yourself, and prove to her that you are not the guy that she thought you were. If you love someone you should be there for her, comfort her, up lift her, motivate her, not talk down on her and emotionally abuse her. you are now harvesting the seed you've planted! I can be wrong but im just giving you my thoughts you can agree or disagree. Good luck and hope everything goes well!!


I think he realizes what he's done and the resulting implications of his actions Show Me. People do make mistakes. I don't think criticizing him about it will do much good.

Here is my letter

As time goes on and we are apart, I think of how things should have been. What I could have said or done to make things work. If I could change things I would have said “I love You” more often, been more understanding and not so judgmental, more loving and not so hurtful. I should have used words of encouragement and strength but at times I talked down to you and hurt you. What I should have been telling you is how I cherish and respect you and told you how proud I am of you and your accomplishments. These are things I feel in my heart but I was never able to express them. I should have been more open and honest with you and starting now I'm going to give you my Facebook password and let you check my phone whenever you would like. I failed you and our relationship. I have done things to lose your trust and I am working hard to earn your trust back. When you needed me the most to be your rock and foundation I wasn’t there. I can only imagine the pain your feeling and it kills me inside because I know I caused you this pain. I should have been using words like “we” and “team” but I was using words like “me” and “I”. You should never have to tell me how to love and treat you; I’m learning how to do that now on my own with help from my counselor and Dr. I have had some time to reflect on the errors of my ways and I want to apologize from the depth of my heart. I ask for forgiveness but I don’t expect forgiveness yet. I just hope you can find it in your heart to someday forgive me and when you do I will be here for you “forever and always”. I have been getting the help I need and reflecting on my mistakes that I made in our relationship and in my life. It has helped me see that I not only treat you badly but I do it to others as well. I need to thank you. Without you leaving I don’t think I would have truly ever gotten the professional help that I needed. The separation hurts but maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. I have now made commitments to continue getting help and advice so I can grow as a person. I promise you, that you will never see me act the way I did. I will never be ready to let you go and move on. You are my Best friend, my soul mate and just importantly you’re going to be the mother of my child, you are the person I love and respect with every bit of my heart I don’t want to lose that forever. You are the only person I ever want to be with. Remember if you are ever ready and you find it in your heart I will be here waiting for you. If you want you can reply to this letter but it truly requires nothing on your behalf. I respect your decision either way
I will Love you always and forever.

I agree That nobody should ever be talked down to or made to feel less. I feel bad that I did it, problem was I wasnt aware I was doing it. the letter isnt really explaining anything except that I know I made mistakes and when she is ready i will always be here for her, I know that when I should have been her rock and foundation i wasnt. She is worried that Im not going to change or wont stick with the change.

Well just be careful with that. You maybe going over board by taking on all the blame here. Take some more time to evaluate the relationship.
By sending her a letter telling her that you'll be hanging on a string waiting for her, you may be setting yourself up for her to take advantage of you and your feelings.
If you know you are to blame for some things, change them. In time, you will have your oppurtunity to show her a better side of yourself.

here is my letter

As time goes on and we are apart, I think of how things should have been. What I could have said or done to make things work. If I could change things I would have said “I love You” more often, been more understanding and not so judgmental, more loving and not so hurtful. I should have used words of encouragement and strength but at times I talked down to you and hurt you. What I should have been telling you is how I cherish and respect you and told you how proud I am of you and your accomplishments. These are things I feel in my heart but I was never able to express them. I should have been more open and honest with you and starting now im going to give you my facebook password and let you check my phone whenever you would like. I failed you and our relationship. I have done things to lose your trust and I am working hard to earn your trust back. When you needed me the most to be your rock and foundation I wasn’t there. I can only imagine the pain your feeling and it kills me inside because I know I caused you this pain. I should have been using words like “we” and “team” but I was using words like “me” and “I”. You should never have to tell me how to love and treat you; I’m learning how to do that now on my own with help from my counselor and Dr. I have had some time to reflect on the errors of my ways and I want to apologize from the depth of my heart. I ask for forgiveness but I don’t expect forgiveness yet. I just hope you can find it in your heart to someday forgive me and when you do I will be here for you “forever and always”. I have been getting the help I need and reflecting on my mistakes that I made in our relationship and in my life. It has helped me see that I not only treat you badly but I do it to others as well. I need to thank you. Without you leaving I don’t think I would have truly ever gotten the professional help that I needed. The separation hurts but maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. I have now made commitments to continue getting help and advice so I can grow as a person. I promise you, that you will never see me act the way I did. I will never be ready to let you go and move on. You are my Best friend, my soul mate and just importantly you’re going to be the mother of my child, you are the person I love and respect with every bit of my heart I don’t want to lose that forever. You are the only person I ever want to be with. Remember if you are ever ready and you find it in your heart I will be here waiting for you. If you want you can reply to this letter but it truly requires nothing on your behalf. I respect your decision either way
I will Love you always and forever.

I wouldn't send that if I were you. That will just make you look desperate, trust me

Show her by actions, not words. Like I said, you will have your chance to prove yourself. For now, no contact at all, leave her alone, and work on yourself and self forgiveness.

My counselor wants to read the letter before I send it. I meet with him tomorrow. I want her to know I'm not moving on and that Im here for her when she is ready.

My counselor wants to read the letter before I send it. I meet with him tomorrow. I want her to know im not moving on and that Im here for her when she is ready.

Well, it's up to you. But I guarantee from experience it won't prove anything to her except that you are needy and desperate.
Women are not like they are portrayed in the movies or in love novels.

sabrewolfe I'm not criticizing him, I was just tilling him how his action was the result of her leaving. I don't want to go and give him falls hope and say everything is going to be OK. We can't read what she's thinking, he can't change the action she made. But he can change himself and better himself for her in the futre. When I realize that I did something wrong it hits me even harder when I hear people say it. The best thing for him to do now is keep doing what his doing, and just to better himself and eventually once they reconcile he will be the man that she's been wanting and a good father for his future child.

Levi that's a good letter, after you send it to her just do no contact and give her time to think and miss you. Don't push her away by constantly contacting her. You are a good man and from that letter it sounds like you really do want to change for her and the child. Things do happen for a reason, and I'm glad to hear that your learning from the mistake that you were making. You're a good man, now just continue doing what you had promise her on that letter. Soon she will be in your arms again, but just be patient and take this time to really better yourself.

sabrewolfe im not critisizing him, i was just tilling him how his action was the result of her leaving. i dont want to go and give him falls hope and say everything is going to be ok. We can't read what shes thinking, he can't change the action she made. but he can change himself and better himself for her in the futre. When i realize that i did something wrong it hits me even harder when i hear people say it. The best thing for him to do now is keep doing what his doing, and just to better himself and eventually once they reconcile he will be the man that shes been wanting and a good father for his future child.

levi thats a good letter, after you send it to her just do no contact and give her time to think and miss you. Dont push her away by constantly contacting her. You are a good man and from that letter it sounds like you really do want to change for her and the child. Things do happen for a reason, and im glad to hear that your learning from the mistake that you were making. Your a good man, now just continue doing what you had promise her on that letter. soon she will be in your arms again, but just be patient and take this time to really better yourself.

He already knows why she left.
I think he may be a good guy as well, but that's a terrible letter to send.

Levi do what you think is right. If you feel in your heart that you should send her that letter then go. But after that Don't ever contact her till she calls you. Its only a letter telling her what you had realized in your life since she left. I see no wrong to that, but again I'm no dr or a counselor so I'm just giving you my thoughts, I can be right or wrong but hey in life its all taking chances and you have to live with the decision you make by the end of the day. You make your decision levi, where only here to give you advice.

I think instead of a letter professing some undying love, positive actions would be a better way to show here how you feel. Sorry guy, but a pregnant female has no logical mind to reason with, but positive support is the what she can understand.

So that's the challenge you face, not how to convince her of the changes you make, but in the actions you can take now, that she can see and feel.She left because she doesn't see you as being there when she needs you so you have to do it from afar.

Just me, this is a time to take a bigger role in doing what she can appreciate now, like don't send her bills to her, and a check for your HALF.

Take care of them, and send a receipt. That's something that can get her attention, and make her feel taken care of. That will send a better message than any letter which she will never believe any way. Ask her mom if there is something you can do to help her take care of your future baby's mama, these are action you can take to support her, and never have to discuss this with her, just do it! Talk this over with your counselor, and see what they say.

Action say it better than words, and are seldom misunderstood.

That was a lousy letter any way.

Here is my new letter. Is this any better?
Let me know what you think.. Maybe some help with writing this letter.

Dear Suzanne,
I have been able to take this time and reflect on why you left. I do understand why you left and
I don't blame you for leaving. This time away has been hard. My life has changed without you not
Being around. The house seems empty and quite but the quite has given my time to think and reflect
On the mistakes We have made in the relationship. We really need to start working on communicating
Better if this is ever going to work. I have made lots of changes and got the help I need and I feel
Confident in the changes. I understand you need to see these things and not just hear them.
So If you are ever ready to start communicating you will be able to see Im the person you want me
To be and the father I need to be. You have made decisions and I respect those decisions. If your
Not wanting this to work I love you enough to respect that decision. But I am also here to be your
Rock and foundation if you need anything. Thanks Love You.

So she called me today(from a friends phone) and was a little upset. She said I have asked you not to talk to my family and you continue to text my sister(sis is on my side with things) and said "if you respected me you would listen to me"

You never disclosed your working the sister? That's a real killer. That's nothing but extra pressure you don't need, and makes her even less likely to believe anything you say, or write. Back off. Adults don't have relatives intercede for them.

Burn that desperate letter. Better yet, let your counselor tell you to burn it.

Put a little less time into coming up with childish letters and trying to get to her through the backdoor using the sister.
Now is the time to grow up and show a little manhood, not these immature girly tactics. Get a hold of yourself for God sake! These schemes your coming up with are going to do nothing but drive her further and further away. Think about how pathetic she is thinking you are at this moment. The situation is bad enough. Stop it now before you make it worse. Quit your sobbing and give this girl complete time away from you without any type of contact or back door tactics at all.
If you want to show her you can be a man, start acting like one. A real man doesn't do these desperate things. Reflect on that awhile, would you!

I agree with sabrewolfe, I really messed up. I should have never been talking with her sister after she asked me to not contact her family. I should have some rights to know how my baby is doing.. however, I have decided I'm not sending any letter for awhile and just going to back off. I have deleted all her family from my Facebook and phone. Complete space for a good week or so

Just returned from my counselor, says that I have to maintain no contact with her or her family. Did read the letter and said it was good! But not too send it right now.

So, because of the move, she has had to commute and has not worked as much, I am thinking of sending her some money and just explaining that because she had to leave and is now not working as much and has the additional expenses of commuting that I would like her to use this money. What are your thoughts?

You send the money with no strings attached, nor any instructions at all. She will know what to do with it.

You don't think that makes me look like I'm saying here is money, I am supporting you and you can't do it on your own?


I have an idea, let me know what you guys think. I am going to start writing her a letter each day, putting them in envelopes. And When she is ready to communicate I am going to give her the letters, and tell her this is what I wanted to send you but because I respected your wishes of no communication I didn't..

Burn the letters after you write them. Boy you just keep coming up with more and more ways to get her to talk to you when that's not what she wants.

You don't think that makes me look like I'm saying here is money, I am supporting you and you can't do it on your own?
Since she is having your child, she requires some support from you, and that's with money, cash! That's it. Leave her alone except for monetary support, because lets face it, its not about a relationship, its about the child, and if you do nothing else, focus on that.

If not, you look like just another dead beat dad.

The letters are only for when she is READY to talk, right now she doesn't really need money for the baby she is only 3 months along. And If I give her money I don't want her to take it the wrong was as the only way I can support her is with cash! I have

You could have written that out as a complete post, but NOOOOO, you have to disagree with me. Fair enough, I suppose since its you wondering what to do next. That's what I have told you, as you seem to be not only oblivious to the needs of your own baby mama, you are also inexperienced with pregnant females. You have tried it your way, and failed, now try mine, as I am a lot more experienced and know that winning her back is a stupid move because she hates you for now and that may continue for the rest of your life.

That's not even the point any more, your child is, and to say she doesn't need money because she is ONLY 3 months pregnant is very dumb, as I can bet she is already buying things for her child, and getting things ready. You fool, your money will go to stocking up on diapers, formula and all sorts of things babies need. All of which you know nothing about.

SEND THE FREAKIN' MONEY, SO SHE CAN PROVIDE FOR HER FUTURE CHILD, and you can get use to paying child support, without a court order.

As it stands my friend, cash is the only way you CAN support her so do so, or realize later the mistake you have made, yet again.

Up to you bud. Do whatever you want.

OK, So I just wrote a check and put it in the mailbox.

Make that the only contact you have with her. Every two weeks without fail. Get serious about being a good dad. That's the only focus you have now.

Whether either of you knows it or not, you are tied together by this child, and eventually will have to talk, and co operate for the best interest of that child, whether you are FAMILY TOGETHER or not.

I agree.

But that's a great letter to read to yourself over & over.

Here's the thing. She's out. May be pregnant. But you aren't what she wants.

Asking for time, then asking for time again is a way of trying to slap you in the face, subtly. Without too much hurt on your part or an effort to make an eventual "clean" break.

The first stage in this whole thing is realization that's its over.

Right now Vanheart you maybe correct, the reason she left is because Im not what she wants. But at one time I was someone who she wanted. Im not letting go just yet, I am giving her time and space. Eventually with help from my counselor and self-reflection on some errors I made, I think I can be the person she fell in love with. I will continue to hold on and do what I can from a distance, Right now that is supporting the child via money. Eventually we will have to talk and communicate. She will see that I have changed.

Just curious as to how long you were together before she got pregnant?

6 months

And did you say you were already living together? How soon did that happen, and WHY?

We started dating, and I lived 10-15 miles away and I would stay at her place on the weekdays and she would stay at my place on the weekends cause I had my daughter. After 3 months we decided it was hard going back and forth and we moved into a house together. We talked about it and we thought it made more sense to live together since we were basically living together already.

You have a daughter? How old is she? Were you married? Seems you do have some experience with pregnant females. You know they can be mighty moody at times, and really not as logical as they could be. I am sure you pay child support for your daughter also, in one way or another, and must get along with her mother on some level.

Yes I have a 4 year old daughter. I was married for four years. She sometimes would do the same thing and move to her parents and we would reconcile and she would come back. After awhile we realized it wasn't healthy and got a divorce. I pay court ordered child support. We are now very civil and get along.

And you don't want it to happen that way again, I can really understand your position.

I also feel you had thoughts before that this would be different, if you somehow tried harder.

How long had you been going with your wife before she got pregnant? I ask to see if there is a pattern that you may have missed. Also how long before you moved in with your ex wife, if you did?

I was with my ex wife for 3 months before she moved in with me and we got married after 10 months of dating.

Wow, seems you make big decisions rather fast, and even you can see the pattern to your actions.

Time to slow down guy, and give more thought to your actions, and take a lot more time to figure things out, and gather facts.

Seldom do we chose partners that are ready for such life changing decisions in 3 months, nor do we really know someone in so short a time, as you are finding out for the second time.

If anything the lesson to learn is you can be civil after a lot of crap, to raise your child, and while that's a good thing, trying to change her mind (the latest baby mama) is not a great idea right now.

Sorry you repeated your previous mistake, and hope you have learned a lot from both experiences, getting females pregnant before you know them a heckuva lot better, as the lust was replaced with reality.

I see birth control, and support payments in your future, and a lot of bad relationships if you don't learn from YOUR mistakes.

I bet good sex is what's more important when you meet a female. And you both get carried away by it. To bad you never get to the point where the lust is gone, and you have to have more than just lust to carry a relationship into the future.

No wonder she hates you, she blames you for this mess, and can't quite see any good qualities you may have. She may never until she accepts her part in this mess.

Its going to take time and patients on your part as, having been through this before, you know what to expect, and have to back off and let her come to grips with this.

Last question, is this her first child??? I think deep down you chose females who fall in lust rather fast and don't like the consequences of moving in with a guy before they have any idea what it may mean for there future.

15-20 minutes away is not a long distance by car, and not a reason to miss someone, and make those kinds of decisions just to be with someone they hardly know.

But for a working guy with his own place, I bet that was enough to attract them any way.

Slowdown a whole lot with those females, or this will happen again, with the same results. Unplanned, and unwanted pregnancies have a way on reeking havoc to new romances.

I bet your past is already littered with some bad relationships that started rather fast. If not its already headed that way unless you coral your lust, and be more practical with your choice of females (as in the kind that use some sort of protection, but to be fair, abstinence is the only foolproof method of birth control), and take more time to find out who your dealing with.

Yes this will be here first child. And I agree with you, right now is not the season in which to change her mind. She has a lot of resentment and emotions towards me. Only time will heal these. And when some of the pain is gone and we are able to communicate and get along. Maybe then she will truly see that I have changed the errors of my ways.

She called me tonight and we spoke for a little while (6 minutes). She said that she is going to continue paying her part of the rent and that she doesn't want to argue or fight. I assured her that this was still her home and that she can come by whenver she likes. She said she isn't comfortable yet, She also said that she didn't plan things to be this way and what she really wanted was a happy loving together family. She also said she wasn't going to take me to court and get some crazy amount of support from me. Conversation went well I thought and any communication was good and a start. Explained to her that she can call me whenver she likes and that I will listen. She also told a friend today that change doesn't happen in a week. I agree it takes awhile. But at least she is thinking I am changing right? And a good conversation is a start. I wasn't pushy. I didn't talk about me.. I focused the conversation on her and how she was doing and let her know I still love her and there will always be a place in my heart for her.