About 6 months ago my girlfriend seemed to spend a lot of time with me.

Id see her on a Friday evening, sometimes on the Saturday and maybe once or twice through the week.

She started working a Saturday evening so over the weekend I would see her on the Friday. On occasion she would get asked out by her girlfriends so she wouldn't be over which was cool. But then it started happening every week and Friday became her night with her friends. She was working on the Saturday evening, so I would see her on Sunday.

This was cool for a while until she started grad school which is an hour or so away. She is there from late Sunday afternoon and returns home late Thursday evening. Once she left this meant I couldn't see her on week nights anymore. She leaves to go back there on sundays around 4pm so I couldn't really see her on the Sunday either so this left about 4 hours during the daytime on Saturday. Now she would sleep in until about 1pm and by the time she got ready it was about 2:30pm and I would only see her until 5:30pm when she started work. I asked why I couldn't see her on Friday nights anymore and she said, you know I go out with my friends then.

She's home next weekend, as are some of her other friends who attend different schools. I asked to see her next weekend and she said, Ive got plans with my friends on the Friday, working sat and plans with them again on the Sunday, I'll see you through the week though because none of them will be doing anything during the week and I know you'll be free on the week nights.

It made me feel like crap to have somebody not value my time like that.

Ive be patient all this time but I had to say something. I called her up and asked why she couldn't see me on the weekend. She said she has plans with her friends, the same friends on both the Friday night and the Sunday night. I asked why she couldn't see the on one night and see me the other, she said she told me she'd already see me through the week. I asked why I should have to wait until through the week and be worked around her other plans, I explained it doesn't make me feel good to be an after thought. She said she won't be making plans with them through the week because 'nobody goes out during the week'.

I said yeah but I'd like to see you on a weekend for once, people see their girlfriends on weekends, girlfriends like to see their boyfriends on weekends, but not you.

She blew up at me and said, all you want is your own way all the time. She said I haven't seen my friends since christmas so I apologise for wanting to see them. I said that's fine, but you have 3 weeks to see them and you can't even give me 1 evening this weekend. She said I was trying to create unnecessary problems.

Many people have made comments uncluding my mum who said 'oh she's not just going to plan her time with you around her other plans with her friends, that's not on. But if you're going to let her get away with it, you deserve everything that comes to you'

Ive been a little bit off with her for quite a few weeks because this has been getting to me. She keeps saying how I over look the fact she used to make all that time for me 'used' to being the important word. Its no good barely seeing me now then saying, well I used to see you often before.

I just don't like that feeling, oh well I'm busy on the weekend but you're free during the week and I won't be doing anything then so I will see you then. I don't think she's acting like somebody who wants to be in a relationship.

Maybe Im in the wrong and way off, what you guys think?

Personally, I would cut her out of my life.

It sounds like she is no longer making you a priority like she used to. I can understand wanting to go out with friends, but she should try to be flexible and spend time with you on the weekends like she used to!

It sounds like you tried talking to her about it, she is putting up walls and getting defensive. Since she is not willing to compromise or discuss any problems with you, is she really worth your time?

Personally, I would cut her out of my life.

It sounds like she is no longer making you a priority like she used to. I can understand wanting to go out with friends, but she should try to be flexible and spend time with you on the weekends like she used to!

It sounds like you tried talking to her about it, she is putting up walls and getting defensive. Since she is not willing to compromise or discuss any problems with you, is she really worth your time?

Im not very petty, if she wanted to see her friends who are home from school this weekend, I WOULD have said fine. Had she not have seen her other friends EVERY weekend for the last 6 months. But because I haven't seen her for 1 evening on a weekend for that amount of time, Im not fine with this.

I explained this on the phone and she said I was being unreasonable and said ' I haven't seen my friends since xmas and I really want to see them' I replied ' they're going to be here for 3 weeks so you have time, do you really need to see them twice in 1 weekend' She said well after that she probably won't see them until the following weekend since they don't make plans through the week. Well they do because they did during the xmas break. Then got defensive and said, 'you know I barely see them'

I replied 'you barely see me' she didn't say a word!

As far as she's concerned, Im not getting my way and being 'Number 1' so Im making a fuss.

I feel like calling and telling her I don't want her to come during the week. But obviously this is going to be a pathetic move because Im only saying it because she can't fit me into her weekend.

Thanks for your advice.
It sounds like she's only coming to see me through the week because she won't be doing anything with them.


Also just to mention, she said it was ME who wasn't making a compromise on this occasion.

I said to her that she isn't making me feel like her top priority and she said, no and Im not going to either. Its not all about you.

Her priorities have changed and it seems so have her feelings.

I would suggest you have a serious conversation with her and find out where this relationship is heading.

Yea my ex pulled the "you are unreasonable" card when she was breaking up with me.

Which is completely untrue, it sounds like you are trying to be reasonable.

I would agree with amicon, to try to have a serious discussion with her, but based on what she has said so far, I don't see it going very far.

Be ready to cut it off.

Her priorities have changed and it seems so have her feelings.

I would suggest you have a serious conversation with her and find out where this relationship is heading.

We've kind of had that conversation but not in as many words and the outcome was, its me creating a fuss over nothing.

I actually tell a lie, because Ive seen her over the past 3 weekends on the Friday evening but ONLY because 3 weeks ago her and her girfriends decided that going out every weekend was too much. So she told me, I'm not going out every Friday now so I can see you again. That made me feel like a million dollars!

She's said to me a lot of times over the past 2 or so months, you're not being yourself with me. I thought well I wonder why?

Regardless of what she says, her actions are those of a girl who wants a boyfriend. She seems more interested in going out with her friends and it makes me feel like a fall back plan. Especially this recent episode.

We've been dating for around 20 months as well.

The thing is she still calls and texts me all the time, says I love you plenty, shows me a lot of attention/affection when Im with her. But for the past 6 months, the only times Ive seemed to be with her is around her other plans. When I remind her of this, she reminds me of how I forget she used to see me often.

Its no good saying I used to do this or that. Its about now.

I just don't know what to do. Ive brought this issue up a couple of times now, not as directly as I did over the phone but she still got the point and we have the same outcome.


Yea my ex pulled the "you are unreasonable" card when she was breaking up with me.

Which is completely untrue, it sounds like you are trying to be reasonable.

I would agree with amicon, to try to have a serious discussion with her, but based on what she has said so far, I don't see it going very far.

Be ready to cut it off.

For what its worth and even if I was being unreasonable, which I don't think I am.

Its making me feel worthless and honestly, I don't think you can have a good relationship unless you put the time into it. Its easy to not see your friends for a couple of weeks and you're all still cool but when you don't see your partner, and you don't make them a priority, its not so cool.

Well if you are getting the same outcome you need to make a decision if this is how you want to live.

If you want to stay with her, how about you start living your own life apart from her. Is it possible for you to start going out with friends on the weekend? Make yourself less available to her?

Well if you are getting the same outcome you need to make a decision if this is how you want to live.

If you want to stay with her, how about you start living your own life apart from her. Is it possible for you to start going out with friends on the weekend? Make your self less available to her?

I do, either on a Friday or a Saturday but the days switch round all the time. Lately its been on saturdays. She works that evening so its no problem. Still leaves me free on Friday, which I could fill up. But that still leaves me free through the week nights. She actually said to me that she knows Im free most of the time so why should she rearrange her plans when she can pretty much arrange to see me anytime. Of course this is true but its about principle. You don't just make your other plans round your boyfriend because you know he will probably be free.

And you can bet your bottom dollar, when she goes back to school in 3 weeks. If she comes home and see's me on the Saturday afternoon like she normally does and I say, oh I have a plan to see my friends. She'll make me into the bad guy. I can picture her saying something like 'but you know I normally see you on that day, why can't you see them another day' which is exactly what she did.

I suggested I can't go on much longer like this. She's back from school for good around June and said, I'll be able to see you more when Im home so it won't be a problem.

You're maybe talking but you're not solving the problem/problems,so there's no real communication.

Relationship are about compromise, I don't see her trying to at least meet you somewhere in the middle.

I would go do my own thing,and regardless of what she says,be busy when it suits you.

"She actually said to me that she knows Im free most of the time so why should she rearrange her plans when she can pretty much arrange to see me anytime."

She no longer respects your time or effort. RUN!

"She'll make me into the bad guy."

Some girls do this when they know they are wrong, its just to shift blame to make you feel guilty and mess with your instinct.

Trust me, you are starting to see her true colors and behaviors now. Controlling, manipulative, disrespectful. (Which is probably what she will claim you are when she breaks up with you!)

Look, I could be totally wrong, this is just how I see things.

"She actually said to me that she knows Im free most of the time so why should she rearrange her plans when she can pretty much arrange to see me anytime."

She no longer respects your time or effort. RUN!

"She'll make me into the bad guy."

Some girls do this when they know they are wrong, its just to shift blame to make you feel guilty and mess with your instinct.

Trust me, you are starting to see her true colors and behaviors now. Controlling, manipulative, disrespectful. (Which is probably what she will claim you are when she breaks up with you!)

Look, I could be totally wrong, this is just how I see things.

You could be wrong, BUT your not the first person to say this to me...

And in response to the time and effort thing, when I challenged her on it she said, look don't get at me because I have more of a social life than you. If your free and Im busy, why would you want to be awkward and see me when I have plans.

You could be wrong, BUT your not the first person to say this to me...

And in response to the time and effort thing, when I challenged her on it she said, look dont get at me because I have more of a social life than you. If your free and Im busy, why would you want to be awkward and see me when I have plans.

That sounds a little ridiculous. Instead of trying to compromise with you, she is trying to put you down.

That sounds a little ridiculous. Instead of trying to compromise with you, she is trying to put you down.

Well in this instance she said I wasn't compromising because she agreed to see me through the week. How is that a compromise on her behalf?

I ask to see her at the weekend, absolutely not, I'll see you through the week. That is just me getting pushed to a time she is not seeing her friends AGAIN.

She was really raising her tone of voice on the phone this time too and said she is sick of me making a big deal out of this. Said I can't be first in everything. Then kind of made a suggestion that if I keep on like this, its not going to end up good.

I got a text from her about 5 minutes ago saying something about her dads leg has a clot and its travelled to his groin and she doesn't know what to do, if to ring the hospital or not. She clearly knows what to do, a 5 yr old would know. She's just texting to see if I'll respond.

After we had an argument last summer about something and she was abrupt on the phone then hung up, she text me about 30 minutes later saying her wisdom tooth absess burst and she came over all shakey and was scared and didn't know what to do.

I think that's quite a maniuplate little quirk because it seems she's testing to see if I'll reply after she's been unreasonable on the phone.

I would be busy during the week, and unavailable on week ends. And Mr. Smiley face when she did catch up to me.

She is doing her thing, you should be doing hers, and what's the point in having a girlfriend who is too busy to make time for you? Let her have her friends, but don't whine for time, get busy, and do your own thing.

Don't let one monkey, stop the show.

I would be busy during the week, and unavailable on week ends. And Mr. Smiley face when she did catch up to me.

She is doing her thing, you should be doing hers, and whats the point in having a girlfriend who is too busy to make time for you? Let her have her friends, but don't whine for time, get busy, and do your own thing.

Don't let one monkey, stop the show.

Ive tried to be busy during the week before. I actually enjoy writing, I write a blog too so I spend time doing that durin the week. Ive said before, oh I won't see you tonight because Im going to write for a while but because that isn't a real activity such as going out to a restaurant or going to a bar which is what she does its almost as if it doesn't count and it gets waved and she expects I'll see her with comments such as, can you not do that another time.

If I say Im busy, she will also ask and probe to see what Im doing, if Im not actually busy as in out every night, this isn't going to work.

And lets be honest, if I get super busy and she is always busy, what is the point in us going out?

Right now, she only seems to see me when she's not busy with her things, but that's cool because she used to make time for me and I'm so silly I keep forgetting that!

I really don't feel like I have a lot of options on this one. No matter what I say Im in the wrong and Im not willing to compromise as far as she's concerned yet I think those same things about her.

I don't feel like I have a lot of options here.

My friends suggest I go meet up with my girlfriend and her friends on a weekend. I don't mind going bars, I just don't like her friends. Ive tried with them several times and I get nothing. One of them has a dislike for me because she thinks Im always moaning to my girlfriend about when Im going to see her haha. Surprising I know! The main reason is, a few of them are wasters who do hard drugs and I DO NOT like being around people who behave like that. My girlfriend is from a very conservative family who also don't worrent this kind of behaviour but since my gf's friends are all at school when she comes home on the weekends, these are the only girls she has to hang out with. Ive told her time and time again I won't associate with people like that and that is MY choice. She responded by asking me who the hell I thought I was to speak bad about people like that...

It seems like you are making excuses every time. Almost as if you don't want it to get better. I would suggest finding a life outside of your girfriend. Start doing things you enjoy and make time with her when you both can. You are too avaible to her. If that doesn't work for you then maybe you should think about letting go and moving on.

It seems like you are making excuses every time. Almost as if you dont want it to get better. I would suggest finding a life outside of your girfriend. Start doing things you enjoy and make time with her when you both can. You are too avaible to her. If that dosent work for you then maybe you should think about letting go and moving on.

You're right, I do appear to be making excuses.

Its been 6 months, actually more. Its been the same ever since. For the year she made plenty time to see me then it slowly dropped off. I have a life which Im quite happy with, I go out and see my friends about twice per week, the other nights I spend a couple of hours in the gym and either write or play my piano.

Its not showed any signs of changing and when I bring it up it causes nothing but arguments. Maybe Im done with this and Im just dragging it out now.

Thanks guys, I'll have a good think about this one.

And lets be honest, if I get super busy and she is always busy, what is the point in us going out?
Read my signature and see if anything applies to you.

Read my signature and see if anything applies to you.

All of them!

Only two points that I don't understand. My life hasn't changed Ive done my own thing all this time and Im happy with it. So knowing that.

1. why did she give me plenty of time in the first year

2. most girls I know actually want to see their boyfriends on a weekend

She can't have a week day boyfriend, or a boyfriend she can see when she isn't doing anything else.

Im going to take your advice and start being busy.

Thanks

Maybe you're a boyfriend in name only.

Maybe your a boyfriend in name only.

I suggested that and she got defensive.

On the flipside its quite true what she says.

'if I know your going to be free on a weekday, why should I have to not see my friends on the weekend when I know they will be out and about'

While its true, its not very respectful of my time.

YouTube - Everwood Scene: Hanging Out (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrjN9ktDx8o)

Watch that... It applies to you directly!

YouTube - Everwood Scene: Hanging Out (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrjN9ktDx8o)

Watch that...It applies to you directly!

Thanks man I appreciate it.

I already explained that I can't be a second choice, she denied it, because apparently its not second choice if she makes other times to see me.

Ive decided Im going to make myself a lot less available. Im not going to call her, going to wait until she calls me. Im not going to ask to hang out, going to wait until she asks me and I may or may not be busy.

I'll let you guys know how it goes.

Thanks again for all the advice, its helped me understand this a lot better.

First, I haven't read every post, so if I repeat something someone else has said, sorry.

I am female and I've sadly done what your girlfriend is doing.

Here's why. I wasn't that interested. I was hoping he'd get the hint and I wouldn't have to be the one to break it off. He didn't get the hint. He ended up proposing, even though we really hadn't spent that much time together in the 2 years we dated.

I ended up cheating on him, a lot. We broke up, he forgave, and because I couldn't figure out a way to break it off, I was stuck.

Your girlfriend is telling you loud an clear that you are not a priority in her life. Of course she should spend time with her friends, of course she needs to go to school to better herself, but to expect you to be at her beck and call, no way!

The question is, how long are you going to put up with this before you realize the message she's sending you, that you're really not that important to her.

If it was me, I'd break it off, find someone that at least wants to be with you, wants a relationship.

You're not on the same page as her, so buy another book! :)

First, I haven't read every post, so if I repeat something someone else has said, sorry.

I am female and I've sadly done what your girlfriend is doing.

Here's why. I wasn't that interested. I was hoping he'd get the hint and I wouldn't have to be the one to break it off. He didn't get the hint. He ended up proposing, even though we really hadn't spent that much time together in the 2 years we dated.

I ended up cheating on him, a lot. We broke up, he forgave, and because I couldn't figure out a way to break it off, I was stuck.

Your girlfriend is telling you loud an clear that you are not a priority in her life. Of course she should spend time with her friends, of course she needs to go to school to better herself, but to expect you to be at her beck and call, no way!

The question is, how long are you going to put up with this before you realize the message she's sending you, that you're really not that important to her.

If it was me, I'd break it off, find someone that at least wants to be with you, wants a relationship.

You're not on the same page as her, so buy another book! :)

Aha, this makes more sense!

I kind of suspected this, except. She keeps putting me in these emotional hooks. She'll say 'I miss you' or 'I love you' as soon as I stop bothering with her so much. It will spark my interest and when I show more interest and attention she seems to back off.

I feel like Im being used as somebody to have when she's not doing all those other things. Seems going to eat chinese this weekend is more important than seeing me even though she's seeing those same girls at a bar 2 nights later...

Maybe you can advise me about how to go about breaking it off?

Ive read the stickies here about NC.

Do I tell her that its not working because she's not making me a priority anymore then I leave her? Or do I just leave without saying a word and she'll get the picture?

Thanks

Breaking up is going to be the hard part. It's never easy.

Be honest with her, tell her what you've told us, that you feel like a backup plan when she doesn't have anything better to do.

I can guarantee that she'll tell you she loves you, she doesn't want to lose you, you're just being too sensitive, it's your problem, not hers.. blah, blah, blah. She doesn't want to lose her backup plan.

Stick to your guns. Tell her that you deserve to be with someone that actually wants to be with you. Tell her that you don't expect to be together 24/7 but at this point you're not even as lucky as a divorced father with visitation of his kids. You don't need it, you don't accept it and you think it's best to end things now because you can't see it getting any better.

No contact after that. It's not going to be easy but that's what we're here for, you come here to vent, you come here if you need to talk, you come here if you have weak moment. You just come here and we'll be here. :)

Do it soon so you can move on. You deserve someone that wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. Don't take anything less. :)

Well.. If she is so busy during the weekends... why are you so available during the weeknights?

It probably sounds childish, but why make yourself available for someone who is unavailable when you would like to spend time with her?

You need to tell her how you want YOUR relationship with her. She is not the only deciding factor on what either one of you can or can't do. Why not go out with her and her friends? Have you suggested that? That could be a possibility that will make everyone happy.

If she is not willing to make sacrafices, and her friends are more important than you, then its time to end the relationship. You need to be her priority, not her friends. You are the one she can potentially spend the rest of her life with. But if she is not putting you first, why are you with her? I know I wouldn't stand around waiting for sloppy seconds.

Well.. If she is so busy during the weekends... why are you so available during the weeknights?

It probably sounds childish, but why make yourself available for someone who is unavailable when you would like to spend time with her?

You need to tell her how you want YOUR relationship with her. She is not the only deciding factor on what either one of you can or can't do. Why not go out with her and her friends? Have you suggested that? That could be a possibility that will make everyone happy.

If she is not willing to make sacrafices, and her friends are more important than you, then its time to end the relationship. You need to be her priority, not her friends. You are the one she can potentially spend the rest of her life with. But if she is not putting you first, why are you with her? I know I wouldnt stand around waiting for sloppy seconds.

She seems to be the only deciding factor. If she says I will see you through the week and I say, I want to see you on the weekend she says no. Now it wasn't always like this and when I said that to her, she started reeling off a list of excuses such as, you know I don't feel good right now, have lots of work, stressed, don't see my friends as much. Then she brings it back with, I used to see you loads but you forget that. So it seems like she's the deciding factor and if I have my say she tells me, Im not willing to compromise...

I asked her on the phone the other night why she wasn't putting me first anymore and she said she won't put me first anymore, I can't always be first.

Like I said Ive made a fair few indirect approaches to this subject over the past 6 months where Ive asked for what Ive wanted and its made a difference for like a week, then its gone straight back.

After I brought it up on the phone properly this time she said she is sick of me going on and on at her and she asked if I ever stopped to think that maybe why she doesn't want to see me as much.

When I first met her she used to go out with her friends loads, then once we started going out she didn't see them half as much and wanted to see me often, especially over the weekend. It seems like she's gone back to her original set up.

Anyway, she was really pissed off on the phone and ended up saying she can't stand me when Im acting up like this.

I haven't contacted her and Ive not heard from her since...

That's probably just what she wants, for me to call her up and say sorry like I usually do. Im not going to call her and if she doesn't call me I'll assume its over.

If this is so, how do I get my stuff back she has?

" I am getting my stuff back this weekend" have a good time. When you get your stuff back, then really disappear from her life. No need to drag this out any further than it has to be.

" I am getting my stuff back this weekend' have a good time. When you get your stuff back, then really disappear from her life. No need to drag this out any further than it has to be.

Yeah but it means Im going to have to call her which will break the no contact. I know as soon as I call her she's going to ask me what's going on, on the phone. So what do I say, 'I want to come get my stuff at the weekend. And if she asks I say, Ive told you that I can't be second best in your life, thanks'?

I don't want to get hooked back in.

I dont wanna get hooked back in.

Then stick to your guns!

Ok so she just text me and it said 'if you want to meet me and talk tomorrow night, I'm available. I will also give you your stuff back, let me know'

So Ive just replied saying yeah I'll come get my stuff back.

I'll just explain again to her how Im feeling when we meet and that I don't want it to be that way.

I'd like to have a friendship with her but that will have to be well into the future. I'll have to go NC until Ive healed and then perhaps we can be friends after that.

Thanks

I'm not sure if you want to try and save your relationship, but... Everything needs to come to a happy medium. Apparently, she doesn't think that applies to your relationship. Maybe you came off as the guy that didn't mind his girlfriend going out with her friends every weekend night. Maybe she is the one who wears the pants in this relationship, which isn't a bad thing... It just really shows how "bossy" she is.

If she doesn't want to listen to what you have to say.. or take you into consideration, and feels that hanging out with her friends every weekend night is more important then spending that time with you, then I would highly advised to end the relationship... maybe with no friendship attached. Its kind of obvious she has no respect for you.

I'm not sure what else to say. Its going to all come down to how you word everything and her reaction to what you say. But don't allow her to push you around by giving you excuses. Its either yes or no... She's either with you, or with her friends...

Good luck

I'm not sure if you want to try and save your relationship, but... Everything needs to come to a happy medium. Apparently, she doesnt think that applies to your relationship. Maybe you came off as the guy that didnt mind his girlfriend going out with her friends every weekend night. Maybe she is the one who wears the pants in this relationship, which isnt a bad thing... It just really shows how "bossy" she is.

If she doesnt want to listen to what you have to say.. or take you into consideration, and feels that hanging out with her friends every weekend night is more important then spending that time with you, then I would highly advised to end the relationship... maybe with no friendship attached. Its kind of obvious she has no respect for you.

I'm not sure what else to say. Its going to all come down to how you word everything and her reaction to what you say. But dont allow her to push you around by giving you excuses. Its either yes or no... She's either with you, or with her friends...

Good luck

I think you've got it right again. I believe I did come off as the guy who didn't mind his girlfriend going out on the weekends. I actually didn't think it was my place to say. But then once I thought it wasn't fair anymore and spoke up about it, all the problems and arguments came.

She definitely wears the pants. The thing is I think because she was so used to me not making a fuss and then when I suddenly did, she kept saying I was 'attacking her'. Its not an attack, its just me finally speaking up about it and she doesn't like it.

If I wanted to save it, Im not sure how to word everything to make it clear. Whatever I say in reference to me being second, she gives another excuse and keeps reverting to how she USED to give me time. I told her that was in the past. However now I think because Ive mentioned it so many times she thinks I want all the attention on me all of the time.

I never asked for that though, I don't just want to see her on the weekend. I want HER to want to see me on the weekend. Otherwise it'll feel like she's only doing it because I made a fuss and asked her.

She's made it clear many times. Her friends do things on the weekends and not during the week so we can't she see me during the week so she can go do things with her friends at the weekend. Her idea is if I ask to see her at the weekend Im just being awkward.

After reading your posts, speaking for myself in your situation, I'd have to walk away as painful as it would be.

First, she values her 'me' time and fun far above your relationship. You've expressed your feelings about it... she doesn't care. I sense that you're there as a filler or for her to say she has a BF. I honestly think she would dump you instantly as soon as she found someone more interesting. Second, if my GF would say, "Did you ever consider I don't want to spend that much time with you..." that would be the point at which I would be exiting on my terms. What a hurtful thing to say. I'd make plans to meet her at her place, nothing specific just getting together. Don't tell her, "We need to talk." or "I'm coming to get my stuff." I'd show up and with an "it's all business" approach, start packing my stuff while saying, "You don't have time for me." "It's not working..." blah blah blah. Choke back the pain and a "good bye" as I exit. All in a quick and efficient manner. Knock her off her pedestal.

Here are the points I'm going to bring up again tomorrow when I see her. Im trying to word them right.

1. If you work on a Saturday and see your friends on a Friday you will see me on Sunday if you isn't going back to school. The only time I'll see you is on a Saturday is if your not at work. If you are at work our night gets sacrificed yet you still manage to see your friends every weekend and your time with them never gets sacrificed.

2. You say none of your friends do anything through the week because people only go out to bars or eat on weekends, this may be true but what if I want to do something on the weekend with you, you won't give me that time because you do things with your friends on the weekends and you know you can see me through the week because Im available.

3. when I ask to see you on a weekend you can never say yes or no, you will always say I don't know what's happening yet. By this you mean you don't know if you're going to be asked out by your friends. You can't commit to a plan with me if I ask you early in the week. If your friends don't ask you to go out you call me up and say I'm coming to yours on the weekend. This makes me feel like a fallback.

4. 3 Thursday nights in a row you went out to a bar with your friends and a day later on the Friday you still went out with the same friends to a different bar. I wasn't able to see you on the Saturday because you were working so I got pushed to the Sunday. Why did you have to go out two nights in a row, if you went with the girls on Thursday why couldn't you turn down Friday and see me instead?

5. you have a boyfriend and none of your friends do therefore they should know your not going to be able to be out as much as they are because you'll be spending some time with your boyfriend. This goes with having a boyfriend but right now you're acting like somebody who is single and not treating me like a boyfriend, even though you like to call me boyfriend by name.

6. It seems like you're more interested in going to bars and restaurants than spending time with me. You don't seem to have time for a boyfriend and I won't be somebody you see when you have no other plans.

7. I'd like you to make a plan with me first, but only because you want to, not because Im asking you to.

8. You often go out 2 nights during the week while you're at school with your friends there yet you still need to go out over the weekend when you're home with your friends from home too. While I understand you want to see your home friends too, if you've already been out with your school friends during the week, can't you miss seeing your home friends at the weekend and see me instead?

9. I've told you clearly how these actions are hurting my feelings and I will not continue to be your second best choice. If you can't accommodate me into your plans on weekdays and weekends then Im going to have to reconsider this relationship.

10. The reason I would like to spend some time with you on either a Friday or Saturday is because those are the best nights. You keep saying you're compromising and giving me a Sunday but its not a compromise because that is not what I have asked for.

I just want to add. While Ive brought things up to do with this over the past few months. She must have told her friends how I was in her words 'telling her' when to see me. She told me her friends said, don't let him tell you when to see him, if he is going to be like that, you should chuck him!

And you wonder why I don't like the friends. Also to add, I suggested Id come along and make an effort with them even though Ive tried hard before and she said ' I don't want you to come along, I want to spend that time by myself with the girls'

What do you guys think of the points Ive made, too much? Worded correctly?

Thanks, I appreciate anymore help

You have just written 10 (11?) good reasons to disappear from her life and not even talk to her.

I would let her figure it out on her own with out you there to argue with her. Sure she may call and text, but the message would be a very strong one, especially after a week where you weren't begging or negotiating for her precious time.

In two weeks she will either be gone, or ready to talk, face to face.Bet she says forget you and never sees you again, which would be a win-win for you, and you keep your dignity, and self respect.

How you have put up with her antics this long is beyond me, because there ain't that much love in the world, that I would even go a week under your circumstances.

You have just written 10 (11?) good reasons to disappear from her life and not even talk to her.

I would let her figure it out on her own with out you there to argue with her. Sure she may call and text, but the message would be a very strong one, especially after a week where you weren't begging or negotiating for her precious time.

In two weeks she will either be gone, or ready to talk, face to face.Bet she says forget you and never sees you again, which would be a win-win for you, and you keep your dignity, and self respect.

How you have put up with her antics this long is beyond me, because there ain't that much love in the world, that I would even go a week under your circumstances.

I agree with this

You have just written 10 (11?) good reasons to disappear from her life and not even talk to her.

I would let her figure it out on her own with out you there to argue with her. Sure she may call and text, but the message would be a very strong one, especially after a week where you weren't begging or negotiating for her precious time.

In two weeks she will either be gone, or ready to talk, face to face.Bet she says forget you and never sees you again, which would be a win-win for you, and you keep your dignity, and self respect.

How you have put up with her antics this long is beyond me, because there ain't that much love in the world, that I would even go a week under your circumstances.

Ah OK, so you think Im an idiot? You can be honest.

She text today and say she wanted to talk face to face tomorrow. Should I let her do the talking instead of me?

Even though Ive already addressed all those points, I feel like I need to do it because a. she's either not getting it OR b. she's just trying to push her luck and see how far she can get until I get the balls to walk.

Also to add.

She found out Im going out of the country with my work in early May for 2 weeks then will be going again in the summer for about 4 months.

She's now using this as another excuse.

You don't stop seeing somebody because they're in another country for a while. I know countless people who's boyfriends and fiancés are in iraq fighting the war for 6 months at a time and they are still committed!

No, your not an idiot, I wouldn't go that far. I just don't stand for those kinds of games, never have.

Talk to her, and don't be shocked if she takes this chance to dump you.

Just me, and you can take this, or leave it, I would have dumped her already.

Sorry guy, I don't see it working out for you with her. She hasn't conceded to your wishes yet, and doubt she will ever. She needs her freedom too much.

You were her b/f in title only.

I would dump her and walk away,you're not in a relationship with somebody who treats you in a loving,caring manner;you're in a situation where you're being manipulated by a so called girlfriend who has found more amusing things to do than spending time with you.

Dump her and get your selfrespect back.

Well. I was supposed to meet her tonight to talk. She's not back from school until later because I just drove home and the roads are very foggy. She also said she has to eat so she won't make it until about 9:30 or 10pm. Well I need to sleep no later than midnight since Im up early tomorrow.

I just told her it wasn't worth coming over because I didn't want to be on the clock per say.

She said fine and said Im being awkward again.

I said we've got all weekend to see each other and she replied 'you know Im going out with my friends at the weekend'

I got annoyed and said, 'so your friends have your full weekend of time and you've thrown me the scraps what you have left, such as tonight for 2 hours'

She said, well Ive tried, so don't say I haven't.

She said well when will I see you now. I said well you're busy over the weekend so I guess its going to have to be next week isn't it, when your not doing anything with your friends.

She suggested tomorrow day time but I run a lot of errands on a Friday until around 3pm. She is going out around 7pm I believe and will need to get ready before this so will need to be home about 6pm. Therefore Im getting scraps of time again.

I just said I'll see you through the week if I have time.

You two need to quite, seriously, as this gets nowhere. Your both trying to dance, but don't know the moves.

PHHFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTT!!

You two need to quite, seriously, as this gets nowhere. Your both trying to dance, but don't know the moves.

PHHFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!

Look, I just called her up and said I can't do this anymore.

I can't keep being second best.

Until you can put me first, I'm going to have to go it alone. Thanks, bye.



I woke up feeling quite ill today, all this is weighing on me and I can't do it anymore.

Im out.

Thanks guys.

You got sick from doing the right thing for yourself??

You got sick from doing the right thing for yourself?????

No, from dancing around the daisys.

I must have some kind of problem because even when I need to, I can't put myself before anybody else.

Im finally out now. This is draining me.

Stay strong and stay out-good choice.

Get your life back.

Go no contact and leave the ex to her hectic social schedule.

Good luck.
.

Yeah that first step is a b_tch! Honestly I think you'll be much happier in the long run. You'll see.

Thanks guys.

She actually just called my house before and because we have no caller ID I answered and it was her.

I was caught abit off guard didn't want to be childish and hang up so I just heard her out.

She said she was disappointed and said she was sorry for how I felt. I replied and let her know once again that I can not and will not be second best. I told her I believe she should put her boyfriend before her friends. I said I wasn't prepared to have scraps of her time anymore between her other plans and told her until she can treat me the way I want to be treated I can't be with her. I asked her if she understood exactly what I meant and where I was coming from and she said yes. I said good, Im glad you know where Im at, bye.

That was completely fair of me. Ive put the ball in her court. Ive told her exactly what I want and if she can't provide it I won't be back.

Its time for her to get her act together. Im going to continue forward with my life, I don't wish to wait around.


I know they say people don't change. So my last question is this. She was never like this in the beginning for about a year. Even while our time took a back seat she still showed me as much love and attention as she always did. But I guess she figured since I was always going to be there, she could go out and spend more time with her friends and I'd always be there waiting. The time problem is too big of a compromise for me to want to continue this relationship now though.

Is there any chance she could change back?

Im not holding out any hope, that's why Im going to disappear. Ive laid my terms out fair on the table, its up to her now.

Yes, there is a chance. But like you said, don't wait around. It hurts, it's painful, and at the moment it sucks. But in the long run you'll be happier. Whether she comes bak or not she will respect you for standing up for yourself.

Yes, there is a chance. But like you said, don't wait around. It hurts, it's painful, and at the moment it sucks. But in the long run you'll be happier. Whether she comes bak or not she will respect you for standing up for yourself.

Thanks, I appreciate it.

Yeah, its pretty painful right now because its fresh. I know as the time passes it will lessen.

I'll just keep busy. Hopefully she won't call me again.

I need somebody who will put me first. I don't think that is too much to ask, is it?

No its not, and now that your free of someone who won't, you can heal, and find someone who will.

Win-win!!

No it's not. You will be fine. This happened to me as well. I felt my girlfriend wasn't giving me enough time as well. Then the little time I had I would give it up and she was either too tired or she would fall asleep which became routine and was strange for about a month. Then she wanted me when she wanted. It was strange. Then I found out she was going out behind my back every time while she said she was sleeping. It sucks. She even admitted to doing it often. That hurt. I ended up giving her a taste of her own medicine. She didn't like it. We are over now. I wonder what in the world happened and what was going on. So strange for it to end so sudden. Who knows? Bottom line she didn't care enough and wasn't honest with me so we were doomed to begin with.

No its not, and now that your free of someone who won't, you can heal, and find someone who will.

Win-win!!!

Yeah I understand.

Its just, I've never been the one to end a relationship before. Ive always gotten dumped so it was easier. If they dump me I figure, they don't me anymore so I move on. This time Ive ended it and I keep thinking have I made the right decision.

How can I convince myself Ive made the right decision? Ive had several thoughts where by maybe Im being a bit haste in my actions. Perhaps I haven't got it all that bad, I have a girlfriend who won't seem to see me on a Friday or Saturday evening anymore. I see people on here with much worse problems than that.

The reason I ask is, I told one friend who is usually very thoughtful in his words that Id broken up with her and explained my reason. He told me that it could be seen from the opposite angle. Ive asked to see her on the weekend and she's told me no, but she will see me through the week. He said that coule be seen as being awkward on my part, especially if I decline through the week even if Im not doing anything. He then also agreed that if she said she will see her friends 2 weekends per month and spend the other 2 with me, that would be a better compromise.

This conversation sparked the thoughts that maybe Im wrong about this decision.

Of course, I can't go back on it now. I'll look like an idiot who's playing games.

No it's not. You will be fine. This happened to me as well. I felt my gf wasn't giving me enough time as well. Then the little time I had I would give it up and she was either too tired or she would fall asleep which became routine and was strange for about a month. Then she wanted me when she wanted. It was strange. Then I found out she was going out behind my back everytime while she said she was sleeping. It sucks. She even admitted to doing it often. That hurt. I ended up giving her a taste of her own medicine. She didn't like it. We are over now. I wonder what in the world happened and what was going on. So strange for it to end so sudden. Who knows? Bottom line she didn't care enough and wasn't honest with me so we were doomed to begin with.

Ah I'm sorry to hear that.

That's a pretty poor situation to be in. That's like two issues tied into one, she didn't care enough to see you and she was dishonest.

One thing I will say is my girl was never dishonest about anything. I trusted her completely and she would never pull a stunt like that. But it kind of seemed worse, as though she was oblivious to it. She'd said, right Im going out with (a bunch of girls names) on Friday. Then she'd ask, 'what are you doing' and I'd be like, well I was hoping to see you. She'd say oh well Im going to (insert bar/restaurant) with the girls. I will see you on (insert weekday).

I would say, I would like to see you on Friday night, she'd say 'ive been asked out by the girls. I will see you Saturday afternoon though (her declining and suggesting a different day). I would then say no I didn't ask for Saturday afternoon (me declining). Now when she declined and suggested a different day it was fine. But when I declined her return offer it wasn't. I was 'being awkward'

When people don't work together to compromise and they both benefit, what's the point. Your friend could be right, but since you could not reach a compromise why prolong it any longer?

When people don't work together to compromise and they both benefit, whats the point. Your friend could be right, but since you could not reach a compromise why prolong it any longer?

Ah see that's where I have the trouble. He 'could' be right. He's a few years older than me 27 and is pretty level headed.

What if her compromise is when she suggests a different day?

What if my compromise is that other day isn't suitable because that's not what I asked for?

For her to then have to suggest another day is her compromising a second time.

All your posts have been really helpful, but you're making me see it from a different position now.

What if her compromise is when she suggests a different day?
That's reasonable, if it works for you.

What if my compromise is that other day isn't suitable because that's not what I asked for?
That stubborn, and unwilling to compromise.

For her to then have to suggest another day is her compromising a second time.
Still willing, and still working. Even though its far from what you want which is a weekend. Which she is just not giving up.

All your posts have been really helpful, but you're making me see it from a different position now.

You should see this a different way, and go with facts not just hurt feelings. Its hard for stubborn people to compromise, and get what they want from a stubborn partner.

That's also a red flag, because sometimes partners are not willing to give up their positions, and what they want, even though they have alternatives, that work for them, when they are still holding that position.

While its true, her position was different days, what you wanted was a weekend here, or there. She didn't compromise on that at all, so whatever crumbs she threw at you, where not true compromises. She just wanted to placate you and still get exactly what she wants.

Now neither of you is in conflict, except you have second thoughts about the break up, which is normal.

Wow I was going to say the same as Tman... That was the truth and TMAN gave it to you. You do come off as stubborn for wanting a weekend. But she also comes off as stubborn for not giving at least a future weekendforyou especially when this is obviously beginning to become an issue. It doesn't seem like she cares too much. So in reality she isn't compromising either by giving you a day she is totally free because its not what you want.

Sure it may be a bit stubborn on your part but she should know that its what you need right now for the principle of feeling important and as a priority in her life. Her not doing so and her even telling you that you are not first anymore in this circumstance is a dealbreaker for me and its time for you to move on and not feel bad because it's not your fault. It's really nobodies fault. Things change. She wants to be out and about while you notice that, you would like to still know you are important but even that she denies so she seems to be on her way.

Sorry dude, but it seems clear she is gone. At least you tried and just accept it and there is better for you so don't be too down and do your own thing. You will be fine so just stay active and busy. Good luck my friend.

You've made your decision,I suggest you stick to it.

Moving on and healing should be your goals now.

That will take time and patience,but you'll
Get there.

Thats reasonable, if it works for you.

That stubborn, and unwilling to compromise.

Still willing, and still working. Even though its far from what you want which is a weekend. Which she is just not giving up.
.

You should see this a different way, and go with facts not just hurt feelings. Its hard for stubborn people to compromise, and get what they want from a stubborn partner.

Thats also a red flag, because sometimes partners are not willing to give up their positions, and what they want, even though they have alternatives, that work for them, when they are still holding that position.

While its true, her position was different days, what you wanted was a weekend here, or there. She didn't compromise on that at all, so whatever crumbs she threw at you, where not true compromises. She just wanted to placate you and still get exactly what she wants.

Now neither of you is in conflict, except you have second thoughts about the break up, which is normal.

So she is compromising but its still far from what I asked for.

I agree that Im being stubborn but mainly because the issue seems strange to me. All of my friends spend most weekends with their partners. I do not.

If her and I see each other through the week but on weekends we both totally do our own thing. Well, I can't see any point in that.

I'd be willing to compromise if I got 2 weekends out of 4 but that doesn't seem possible.

Every time I speak up about this she keeps using the terms 'hissyfit' 'awkward' 'moaning' to describe what Im doing.

Other than these timing issues, there's nothing else that is wrong between us. Can you really end a relationship because 1 thing isn't going to your liking?

I think my biggest mistake was not speaking up when it started happening. At the time I just thought oh well I don't get to see her on weekends but I see her through the week for the most part so its cool. After a lot of months had passed it suddenly didn't feel fair anymore. She was spending her best nights out with her friends. I suddenly started speaking up and that didn't sit well.

Well Im having a pretty terrible day today guys so I thought I'd come here and post.

I was out with my friends yesterday evening and I was talking quietly to one of them who knows my situation well. He said cutting her off like this seems to be making me miserable.

Im still not sure Im on the right track because Im not solid in my decision to do this.

My friend said perhaps Im asking for more than one person can give. He himself doesn't necessarily see his girlfriend just the two of them every weekend. He does however either meet up with her and her friends, or she will meet with him and his friends.

This isn't really an option for us because I have geniune reasons I don't like her friends and ever since I told her this, she claimed not to like mine...

Sorry for bothering you guys. I just feel like Im having a weak moment and feel like calling her to talk, even though I know that isn't in my best interest.

Nothing wrong with going through those weak moments. Its normal, and expected. Stay busy with doing your own thing, and you'll be fine.

Sometimes we have to figure out what our thing is, but that in itself is a good thing.

She actually called me home phone again yesterday. I picked up since we have no caller ID like I mentioned. She asked me to please hear her out and that all she wants is to meet me and talk things through. Said she's upset about things too and realises that things haven't been going well the past couple of months.

My friend also said that he saw a picture of her and her friend full of smiles in a bar posted on her Facebook. So she obviously isn't that torn up about the situation. I certainly haven't been walking round full of smiles and people have definitely noticed!

I feel really mad at her! Is this normal?

Anybody can throw on a fake smile from time to time. I have had a similar situation with yours, now looking on my past relationship... the whole "time" thing. I mean, I think you need to take sometime and make sure this is what you really want to do. I understand, you shouldn't necessarily be the "number one" priority in my mind... but you should be a priority. My current girlfriend, in university... puts her schooling first. And I am MORE than fine with that, but she makes time and effort into seeing me.

Honestly, Id meet with her face to face.. let her do the talking. You did nothing wrong, nothing to apologize for, etc... be all ears, hear her out and see what she says. Talking face to face is the easiest, you can see their tone of voice, body language, etc... and can tell if someone is being genuine and sincere. Through a text, even a phone call you sometimes mistake what someone truly means.

Make this the last chance kind of thing, see what she says... and go from there. If it doesn't pan out this time, go NC... and stay there.

Okay stop worrying if your feelings are normal or not. They are yours, and you have to cope with them. We all have to cope with our own feelings, in a positive way.

What should have you paying attention, is when you stop taking her crap, then she gets willing to talk. Now you don't have to. But you do have to put your life back together without her, and then you will have no reason to be angry, or even care.

I think you have done things her way long enough to know it wasn't working for you.

Thanks guys,

As for meeting up. Its funny how she suddenly has time to meet up now that Ive shown I could careless anymore. Yet while it was all good, getting a hold of her was like trying to get a hold of the president.

She said on the phone I'll meet you on any day you want. Haha I almost burst out laughing.

Ironic, none the less. Get this out of the way and meet right away, tonight if possible.

Ironic, none the less. Get this out of the way and meet right away, tonight if possible.

Ive thought about this some what and Ive asked her to meet tonight.

Im going to let her do the talking.

Im going to ask for what I want from her and if she can't provide it, then I'll tell her Im moving on.

Certainly funny though. Since Ive started creating 'all this fuss' as she refers to it, she told me she hasn't wanted to see me much because Im 'making a big deal' out of it and its putting her off seeing me. That's odd because all Im doing is sharing my opinion and going against what she wants. It was fine when I agreed, she was glad to see me then.

I'll let you guys know the result.

Thanks