Been married 3 years, bought a house 1 year ago, we have a 2 year old child. One month after moving into the house, intimacy ends, two months later texting and Facebook start to affect our marriage. An argument ensues. I sleep on couch for a few days. A serious talk happens and she says she doent love me anymore and hasn't for about a year (before we looked for a house). We agreed to stay in the same house. I struggled to get her to go to counseling, she didn't think it would help. We went to two sessions each. She refuses to continue counseling. It has been 7 months without any affection what so ever and 5 months since the couch incident and argument. She now goes out all night long until 6, 7, 8 and even 9 am one morning. Then she sleeps all day. She claims to be too drunk to drive, she allegedly sobers up at her girlfriends house or male coworkers house. I still believe she has been faithful and think I could even forgive her if she did cheat. She never has much money when going out, but manages to stay out all night long and sleep the days away. She refuses to wear her ring unless around her grandparents. She does what ever she wants and even wants foot massages which I stupidly give her with nothing in return. Oh yeah.. she also uses the excuse of being at casino all night long too. I'm starting to think they she may have an alcohol or gambling problem. She says there is still hope for us, but I don't see much more hope. I tried church and prayer. I tried advise from family and friends. All I have left to try is AA or something to find help. I have the family, the house and the career. I thought I had it all. Then it all fell apart. Why does she stay out all night? Why doesn't she show some repect to me and spend time with her family? Is it a gambling or alcohol problem? Is it post partum depression? Do I need to try anti depressants or more counseling? Should I try separation? Divorce is the last option and I don't want to do it, but I am running out of options and running out of hope. Any good advise out there??

It is not a gambling or alcohol problem. It's a lying problem. She has been cheating on you and you are too trusting an individual to open your eyes and see the truth. She keeps you stringing you along with the hollow phrase that "there still is hope" for your relationship. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but your relationship has been over for a long time. It's just you that has not opened your eyes to the truth of the matter. Face it, it's over.

Hire a private investigator to follow her around a few nights and you'll have your eyes opened wide with the results. Guaranteed. Probably the best money you will spend versus you keep beating yourself up trying to find a solution to this problem of her not wanting to be with you and your child and staying home. Sometimes when women who don't have jobs to go to end up with too much time on their hands and tend to stray big time. She apparently is one of them who had it too good and decided to have it even better.

If my wife pulled that I would make arrangements and the next time she left I would change the locks, pack all her stuff and place it in a neat pile by the front door. Then hire a lawyer and file for divorce.

I would try separation, and see if she straightens up her act without you around. And giving her foot massages? I'd be telling her to massage her own feet. She doesn't need counseling, she needs to grow up and be a parent and a wife.

While she is out all night, and home sleeping all day, who is taking care of the two year old?

What did you think of during the year that there was no intimacy, and she was staying out all night. Have you been able to confirm where she was, or have you checked the debit transactions to see if she is at a casino, hotel, bars, etc.

During the few times she did attend counselling, did it open up any dialogue between you? Did you identify any issues? Do you have any idea what has changed her so much?

Speaking of which, what was she like the three short years ago before you married her. Were there any clues?

When you talked to your family members, what was their general idea of what's going on.

It is just hard to imagine why she would be out all night and sleeping all day when she has a husband, a home, and a toddler to care for.

Drugs and/or alcohol crosses my mind but I think you would have seen signs of that before now.

I'm at a loss to explain what might be going on, unless there is more background information you can provide.

WOW, I can feel your pain. It is way beyond the acceptable level.
You mentioned text message, face book, and no intimacy on the top of other alcohol related problems, I have to think she left you already.

Can you think of any reasons or events which made her change attitude toward marriage & baby so badly?
To me, it is obvious she has completely given up the marriage, and does not care anymore. First of all, you should find out what she is doing every night, and prepare for yourself & your innocent baby. I will not be surprised, if you find out she uses drug, alcohol, gambling and sex all together.

I hope you are not get shock too much.
If you divorce, who will take care of the baby?

WOW! She is the queen of selfish no doubt. I too would like to know when she interacts with her own child.

How long are you willing to put up with this behavior?

If you two split, are you ready to be a single parent? I think you should start documenting ALL of her comings and goings, if a child custody case comes up.

No one here can tell you if she has a substance, or gambling problem. Not with the limited information that you have provided. Maybe she really is too drunk to drive. Who knows? Maybe she does have a gambling problem.

The bottom line is that she is a married woman with a small child, and she should start acting like it.

And why are you so ready to forgive her if she did cheat? Why are you even thinking about forgiveness? You should be mad as he11! Do you really think that the "male co worker" has kept his hands to himself? When they both are drunk? PLEASE!

And I agree with the suggestion of having her followed. It will help in court.

Dude, I feel for you. But no one can help you until you are willing to help yourself first. Be tough, and insist on being respected. This is just plain crazy.

And where is she getting the resources for getting drunk and gambling? Cut her off.

The foot rubs too.

This is B.S.

I wish you luck.

I think that 9 out of 10 married people would have had a bonfire with their mates clothes by now. I know I would have. For sure.

And tell her grandparents that she has turned nocturnal. The ones that she wears the ring around. Maybe she will respect them enough to explain why she is running wild.

Time for a very good divorce attorney

I think that you need to take a step back and get realistic about this. What if a friend told you that his wife was behaving this way?

Out all night, no money but gets drunk, stays with friends and love gone in marriage?

I'm sorry but the signs are all there - sounds like she's cheating, and I suspect that there is NOTHING that you can do.

It's over. Get real about this - she told you ages ago what the situation was - it's time to grow a backbone and take back your masculinity.

Speak to a good lawyer and leave her to her own devices - take the child if you have to - there is no joy left here.

Denial is one thing but reality is the ticket you should be looking into now. You have denied her behavior for too long. Apparently you are "addicted" to her. This is quite common in that the one party cannot bear to be without or live without the other partner regardless of how much emotional or physical pain they inflict upon the other party. In your case you are in deep, deep denial that she has not only lied to you but continues to lie to you and has essentially left the relationship. You must have/do care quite a bit about her and just can't let her go when she has already gone both in mind and body from the relationship.

You are the one who needs counseling to accept her disappearing act.

She will use you and your home as a hotel to come and go as she pleases with no responsibility as you continue to put up with her antics.

Please seek some emotional help for yourself for the sake of your child so that at least one parent has their head screwed on right once you finally put an end to this charade. Your child needs you more than they need her. Make the best of your situation and focus on your child - not the selfish run around drunk.

My EX-wife did the same thing, stayed out nearly every night until 6 or 7 am, told me she needed to spend time talking to her female friend, I trusted her never once thought she'd be unfaithful, after about a year of this she accidentally left her email inbox signed on the computer and I looked, got to read in graffic detail her sexual exploits with several different men. That was the end of our marriage. I hope for your sake its not the same, but I wouldn't just trust that she isn't doing anything wrong either, you need to find out for sure.

Wow I dare my wife do this to me... agree with everyone, I don't say this a lot, but she's not good enough for you... she had her chance...

You are being a weak man. Tell her to shape up or ship out! Your child desrves a stable home without a drunk, cheating , mother.

Lets play pretend...

Lets say she does have an alcohol/gambling problem. Well, then she is an addict who has told you to your face that she doesn't love you, and has acted this out over and over with her nights away.

Addicts usually have a "that's enough" point... and for some it isn't that severe. With many, its rock bottom... and losing everything is a step in finally admitting help is needed. You cannot force an addict to want help. You cannot force an addict to do the things they learn in treatment. You can't make them walk the walk. And until she hits her rock bottom moment, things are just going to go along as is, at best.

Lets say she isn't an alcoholic... well, honestly, does it matter? Alcoholics often deal with depression and depressed people become more depressed with alcohol use.

You still are with a woman who is not acting as a mate, who has told you she doesn't love you, and who refuses to get any kind of structured help.

At the very least, you need a separation. I know divorce is the last thing you want, but I think there is a point when the divorce is just the legal matters that formalize what has already happened. The ring, the marriage license, these don't make the marriage.

Having recently gone through a divorce I really didn't want but really needed, I get how hard it is to accept this is perhaps where things are. I also can tell you that the reduction in drama and noise in my life is real. It was needed. Not wanted, but needed.

Sorry you are in this place. Its easy to let months and even years slip by, hoping things might change or hoping you can get her to try to find some middle ground.

At some point, if you stay, you accept things as they are and you don't get to complain. You are probably getting to that point where you step hard back or you need to find a way to accept this... and I know you cannot accept this and be happy or healthy.

Is this a serious question or someone who is pranking people.

Why weren't the locks changed after the second or third incident? At the very least her personal stuff should have been dumped on the front lawn for her to view upon her arrival the following morning.

You need to grow a pair!!

Is this a serious question or someone who is pranking people.

Why weren't the locks changed after the second or third incident? At the very least her personal stuff should have been dumped on the front lawn for her to view upon her arrival the following morning.

You need to grow a pair!!!!!

Get away from her and don't find excuses to see her.. NC

She does not love you anymore... that is all I would need to hear. What is worth saving then? If there is no love, I ask you, what is worth saving?

Whatever her problems are, you are enabling her by not kicking her out to go where ever she goes as long as she is gone, because as long as you tolerate her behavior, the more she will do it so stop and don't forgive her until she has straightened up her act (somewhere else) for a year and can prove it.

Have the divorce papers ready to be signed while you wait.

Dude wake up she is cheatiing and lying she don't care about your feelings I am going through he same thing with my soon to be ex husband signing up for dating sites and making dates with women and such, you need to get your ducks in a row and leave her on grouns of infedelity

Dude wake up she is cheatiing and lieing she dont care about your feelings i am going throught he same thing with my soon to be ex husband signing up for dating sites and making dates with women and such, you need to get your ducks in a row and leave her on grouns of infedelity



Try to see her the way others do. Love is blind and then one day you suddenly have 20/20/ vision and you see what she has done to you. Don't let her walk on you anymore. She won't and doesn't respect you. Stay away. I'm very sorry but you need to stand up and walk away. :(

Stand up and be a man! She doesn't love you and she certainly doesn't respect you. You allowed her to walk on you and now it's time to walk away.

If my wife pulled that I would make arrangements and the next time she left I would change the locks, pack all her stuff and place it in a neat pile by the front door. Then hire a lawyer and file for divorce.


Emotional and highly illegal advice - a good way to find yourself on the wrong end of this situation.

Well, its me here, the original question asker! Nothing has changed for better or worse. I'm still getting strung along. First thing in April, I sat her down and had a talk. I agreed not to speak to our parents about our problems and in return she agreed to at least speak to me about our problems. I held up my end and she won't talk to me, just sits there and listens when I want to talk. Still no wedding band, still late nights out with guys and still no I love you's or even 1st base in 8 months. I also agreed to not be a hypocrite about everything, in return for her to be home at a reasonable hour, I chose 400 am which allows for plenty of time at webbs or whatever after bar close. She agreed and shook on it. She broke our agreement, not once, not twice not three times, but FOUR nights in April she showed up after 500 am. That was way more then I should tolerate, but I finally grew a pair and gave her an ultimatum: Be home by 400 or there will be severe consequences. (I will move out for a seperation). I also gave her more then ample time frame to get her together (Til mid July, my 30th b-day) or I am gone for good! No more games! I need love, I need my wife back or I am moving on! What else can I do to keep her? I have tried everything: counseling, books, family advise, friend advise, internet advise, straight up confrontations and ultimatums! I'm done. I need to cut my losses and get out while I'm still young enough to find a loving spouse and have a real family. What else should I do? Any more advise?

I have to ask you again, who takes care of the baby when she is out all night, coming home drunk, and sleeping all day.

It is good that you have done so much ground work to try to get her to open up, but clearly she isn't willing.

Have you checked to make sure she's not ringing up credit cards, overdrafts or a second mortgage on the house?

Who drives her home, and do you know any of her 'buddies' as you call them?

I can't imagine life in your house, particularly for the child. When she lays around, hungover and unresponsive to conversation as to her behaviour and actions, do you just flip on the TV and watch the news? Who's taking care of the house.

I don't know that you will get any 'new' insights with answers here, as your situation has not improved at all.

I guess the question is, how long are you going to put up with this.

Agree with "Jake" - you're waiting until July to do "something" and in the meantime your child is living in this situation?

It's over. Move on.

Dude hate to be the bearer of bads news its over !

Follow up... If I am at work, our child is at a grandparents house and I am forced to pick him up in the morning, even if I work until 3am, she stays out until 5 am and sleeps until noon. There is no reason our child needs to be at the grandparents all night and all day. He is our child and one of us needs to be the responsible adult. Often I am the one to stay home all night and get up with him for the whole morning. I also go out as she watches him, however, I am home at bar close and often still get up before her.

We have our budget issues and are working through them ffor the most part, I am watching her spending like a hawk and it is hurting us. She has several credit cards in her name only and fills them up to max balance, just as fast as our check nocks it down a bit. There is some drinking and some gambling involved and its hard for me too tell if either are too excessive.

She drives herself home between 5 and 6 am averaged out. I know of these guys and know a lot about them. More then she thinks I know. She reufuses to introduce any of us or allow us to meet up for any outing at all. Her friends are her friends. They are single and find my wife both fun and attractive according to a text message a wish I never saw. I have tried and tried to meet these guys and feel more comfortable with my wife spending time with them, but the hidding, lying and avoiding makes me all the more suspicious.

Last night she went out 11p until 416 am. After I told her she was on probation and there would be consequences for arriving later then 400 am. I advised her of 400 agreement again. And again at least 10 times. She still failed by 16 minutes which is ONLY a big deal because this is 5th offense this month after a dozen warnings the night before. When she arrived messed up I informed her I would be moving out today, she gave some bs excuses and went to sleep. She again took off in the am to go in late to work without even telling me.

I am done. We will have one last talk over dinner tonight and I am making arrangements to stay elsewhere for a few week separation. I have no other choice but too punish her for breaking our mutual agreement five times in a month. More later.

I think your attempts to "punish" her are not going to work and could backfire. She's not your child; she's your wife.

Again - what about your child? You leave. What happens to the child?

Protect yourself and your child now by contacting an attorney and filing for custody. It's obvious that your wife is not going to change.

You sound like a wonderful man who deserves to be loved and treated with respect, so it's definitely time to move on.

You're a better man than me, because she would be gone tonight, or I would.

What do you mean you have her on probation? She is not a child to punish. She is a grown woman, your wife, the mother of your child who is behaving in a completely inappropriate manner. And why are you giving her until July to clean up her act?

This mess not only effects you, but your baby. Get yourself a lawyer, file for divorce and custody of your child.
You owe her no explanation, she knows what she is doing and does not care.

The first thing I would do is cancel all the credit cards.

The second thing I would do is leave- with the baby. Make arrangements to stay with your mother so she can responsibily care for him/her while you are working. (I'm surprised the grandparents haven't spoken up about her yet)


Considering the circumstances, there are concurrent addictions going on in my opinion, both to gambling, and alcohol. Risk taking behaviour is likely in there somewhere as well, with all the single males and females, and perhaps drugs too. I'm only guessing, but she does seem to fit an out of control person to me.

Document, document, document. Write out all the reasons you left with the baby, and file for custody, or interim custody- whatever it is called, so that you have immediate control over the well being and safety of the child.

While you sort out all the other matters with her, at least make sure the baby is safe, and don't endanger him by just leaving without him. If she has addictions going on, that won't stop on a dime simply because she needs to step up and be a mother.

If you put yourself and the baby first here, and really see things for what they are, it will be clear what you need to do.

And the sooner the better.

This going to seem harsh, but I think you need to stop and think about what began all of this mess. I am beginning to feel like there is a huge part of the story missing.

When she told you that she didn't love you, did she say then that she wanted out of the marriage? When it became obvious that she wasn't willing to work with you to save the marriage, why didn't you end it then? End it BEFORE she went off the deep end and started running away from you, the marriage and your child?

Yes, she could make the decision to leave or if we heard her side would there be an extremely different tale told?

Um, I'm really confused.

None of your efforts, entreaties, rules, demands or punishments have changed anything at all with regard to her behavior.

You're acting like a 'daddy' and she's behaving like a rebellious teenager.

What exactly is going on here?

Why exactly do you want to stay with her? Why does she stay with you?

There are a whole lot of things that don't add up - the situation you describe is increasingly bizarre and I suspect that there is something else altogether happening here.

The person I'm most concerned for is the child. Neither of you ever seem to be around to give it any care.

How old are you and how old is she?

I am 30 in July which makes me 29 now. She is 27. There is nothing wrong with the child's welfare. He is 3 this year and still doesn't know what is going on. We rarely argue when he is around. We don't yell, curse or fight in front of him. I am holding on because of this 8k tax credit we now have to repay if we split within the next two years. I don't know the details and should get educated. It may be worth the financial loss to get out of this relationship which has hit rock bottom. There is no hope left! I have made changes and given it all the effort I am willing too. I am done trying. I am giving her a deadline to come back hoping and praying that a little more time will help. I am an excellent father and was a great husband. Something snapped in her head and she gave up on me, nearly a year ago. I have put this off long enough and will contact an attorney in May to explore my options, get info and plan ahead for the worst situation I have had to make a decision on in my life. I still don't want to be a quitter. But seriously, how long do I wait for her to come around? I want and need love in my life. I want more kids and it ain't happening here for years if ever. Its time to cut my losses and pack my bags. Its really hard and really sad and I don't want to do it. I am torn! I am confused! What more can I say? Everyone is saying get attorney, get out and protect the kid... is anyone for trying harder or something different? Is this really it? Is it over?

This woman obviously has no respect for you and will continue to run over you no matter what you do.
She may be on drugs and is gambling, in which case you still need to leave her. You don't want to be enabling her behavior by giving her choices.
Whether she gets herself together or not is something she must decide to do, there is nothing you can or should do at this point.
I'm sorry this is happening to you and your son, I wish you well.

I am 30 in july which makes me 29 now. She is 27. There is nothing wrong with the childs welfare. He is 3 this year and still doesn't know what is going on. We rarely argue when he is around. We don't yell, curse or fight in front of him. I am holding on because of this 8k tax credit we now have to repay if we split within the next two years. I don't know the details and should get educated. It may be worth the financial loss to get out of this relationship which has hit rock bottom. There is no hope left! I have made changes and given it all the effort I am willing too. I am done trying. I am giving her a deadline to come back hoping and praying that a little more time will help. I am an excellent father and was a great husband. Something snapped in her head and she gave up on me, nearly a year ago. I have put this off long enough and will contact an attorney in May to explore my options, get info and plan ahead for the worst situation I have had to make a decision on in my life. I still don't want to be a quitter. But seriously, how long do I wait for her to come around? I want and need love in my life. I want more kids and it ain't happening here for years if ever. Its time to cut my losses and pack my bags. Its really hard and really sad and I don't want to do it. I am torn! I am confused! What more can I say? Everyone is saying get attorney, get out and protect the kid... is anyone for trying harder or something different? Is this really it? Is it over?


At this point in time you seem to be stuck and sinking in quicksand.

You really should be at a point where you know you have to take care of the baby, and take care of yourself.

What is over? Well, she isn't a loyal partner who puts any value on you, or your baby together. Also over is her parenting skills. Also over is her ability to admit to having any contributing problems to her behaviour. Also over is her respect for herself, and for you. Also over is any hope that she will even attempt counselling.

The marriage is a shell, and you are still fighting with yourself to see the writing on the wall.

If you were to focus on only one thing- the baby- and that baby's needs, you would clearly see the environment is unhealthy to a point where his physical safety is at risk. (remember she takes all day to recover from the night before).

Even though your mother takes care of the baby while you are at work, your wife has somehow managed to bury her mothering instincst, and parenting responsibilities.

This isn't about you anymore- your priority should be the life your child is growing up in. Time to pull yourself together and do the right thing for him.

You can cry in your soup when the work is done.

Thank you everyone! Your comments concerns and suggestions have helped me greatly in reaching my final decision. Last night she told me she took off work Thursday morning and isn't going in until noon. She planned for a long night out on the town. She went out last night and I didn't say a word. I didn't ask where she was going, who she was going with and didn't remind her of our 400 agreement. She didn't offer any of that info either. She clearly knows that I won't stand for her to show up after 400. She showed up at 530 am this morning reaking of alcohol. She has made her bed and she can lay in it alone now. I won't stand for this disrespect any longer. I am filing papers next week, with or without her mutual agreement. Thanks again everyone!

I hope you have actually made an appointment, at least to find out what your legal obligations are, and more particularly about the custody of your child.

I'm not sure why you suggest that she may or may not cooperate, or why it would matter, but that's up to you.

Keep thinking, you're heading in the right direction here. Please post and let us know how it goes.

. . . I won't stand for this disrespect any longer. I am filing papers next week, with or without her mutual agreement. Thanks again everyone!
Awesome!

As for your child, you may want to hire a PI to follow your wife around and document her all-night binge drinking excursions so you can submit actual proof to the court that she is not a fit parent. In my state, no matter how lousy of a parent the mother is, she will almost always get custody and the ex-husband has to pay alimony--this is an actual law if you can believe it--for the rest of her life after child support expires.

Divorce is messy, so cover your a**, but you are making the right decision.

Awesome!

As for your child, you may want to hire a PI to follow your wife around and document her all-night binge drinking excursions so you can submit actual proof to the court that she is not a fit parent. In my state, no matter how lousy of a parent the mother is, she will almost always get custody and the ex-husband has to pay alimony--this is an actual law if you can believe it--for the rest of her life after child support expires.

Divorce is messy, so cover your a**, but you are making the right decision.


Unless her "all night binge drinking excursions" affect her ability to parent this is money wasted on a LPI. Simple testimony that she is gone all night and comes home reeking of liquor is sufficient.

I don't understand what you are saying about spousal support. In your State the mother receives child support and when that ends she receives spousal support until she dies?

Spousal support and child support are not tied together in my State - NY - and more and more Courts are taking into consideration the ability of the wife (usually not the husband) to support herself and limiting the duration and amount of spousal support. This particular woman apparently works (when she feels like actually going to work).

I'd be interested in knowing which State handles spousal support in a different manner - under these circumstances.

Well, here is an update... I have not filed any papers yet. I am calling around tomorrow to set up an appointment with an attorney. Yesterday, the wife had no plans for the evening and our son was at the grandparents. I asked her to be home when I got home from work at 1130. I told her I looked forward to spending the night with her. However, because our son was spending the night with grandparents, I knew she couldn't sit home all evening alone. If she went out doing something, I assumed she would be home by 1130. Without a call, text, message, email, note, etc... I arrived home from work on time to find she was not home. No surprise. I called and text her with no replys for hours. She finally replied... "chill out, I'm out, ill be home" and that's it. She was out from 6p until almost 3 a. That makes for a total of 5 nights out for her in the past 7 days. That's is way too much for a married woman with a child. Unexceptable!! I slept on the couch and today I set up a bed in our 3rd bedroom. Just now, I explained to her how she hurt me by not being home, how she has no respect for me and is not putting forth any effort what so ever. She blew me off, not saying anything and went to bed. She clearly doesn't care. Its clearly over. I'm going to sleep now in that 3rd bedroom and making my calls in the morning. I can honestly say that I have done all I could. Sweet dreams! Ttyl.

It's not even just because she's a "married woman with a child", but you asked her to spend time together and she completely blew you off! Good luck with the divorce, there will be a much better woman out there for you.

Everyone has a different time frame but this was first posted on March 21 and you have wasted over a month deciding what to do - meanwhile your child is with the grandparents instead of the parents so that the mother can go out all night?

She has disrespected you enough - time for you to leave.

Update - 6/2... It is over! Slowly but surely... it will end. I now have my own bank accounts, we will be attempting to divide up assets, property and all the expenses.. . AND... I have picked up a PRO SE DIVORCE packet from the county court house. We will try to file jointly without lawyers, but if that doesn't work out... I will be filing separately. =) the future looks brighter already, now that I have made up my mind!!

Finally, action!

- I think this really is in your best interest. You sounded so sad and confused when you started posting and now you sound like you are together, happy.

So sorry you are going through this but it looks like there is daylight at the end of a tunnel.

When I got divorced I HATED it when people said to me, "Don't worry, you'll meet somebody." How dare they! Did they think I couldn't survive without a man!

Well, then I met somebody.

So - my words of wisdom today. "You'll meet somebody (in the right time frame)."

Good luck.

Good luck to you. Go find happiness.

Unless her "all night binge drinking excursions" affect her ability to parent this is money wasted on a LPI. Simple testimony that she is gone all night and comes home reeking of liquor is sufficient.
Fair enough.


I don't understand what you are saying about spousal support. In your State the mother receives child support and when that ends she receives spousal support until she dies?
That was my misunderstanding, child support and alimony aren't connected. But, once you're forced to pay alimony you have to until the ex-spouse dies, or be a jailbird.

This is Massachusetts law, I ain't a lawyer but laws here are notoriously ubiquitous and confusing. Here are some Mass alimony horror stories I found (http://www.massalimonyreform.org/horror_stories.html).

I'm glad you have taken this step and I wish you and your child well.

I can tell you that there will be ups and downs, but you are going to be in a better place for making this right decision.

One of my fav quotes is "forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past"...

Of course it means the past is the past and you can't change it...

Of course it can tie into how to find some way to make some peace with that person who hurt you...

But it also ties into forgiving yourself... letting go of mistakes you might have made or times when you "held on too long"... etc...

There's a lot of power in taking a deep breath in... letting it out... and saying "this is reality... im living in reality"... you can do a lot in that place.

If my experience translates to yours, every few months you will look up and say "hmmm... this might not be what i wouldve asked for, but im doing better than the last time i looked up"...

Ill add this in...

I think when an addict "relapses" isn't when they take that first drink or hit or pulls the lever arm or whatever... they relapse the second they start their lying behavior... to themselves, their loved ones, etc...

And likewise the moment a divorce happens is not when the paperwork is done, signed, and the judge says "ok"... legally, sure... but your divorce happened a long time back. The judicial flourish is just the scrolling of "The End" on a movie you already know to be done.

...

I really am a fricking beam of sunshine tonight...

All that to say I'm glad you are moving forward...

Ok I am going through this myself almost EXACTLY. I am a little older and she is 27. Look, part of the problem is two maturity levels, you are responsible and dealing with reality and she is running away from it. I am a little lucky because I have learned to talk to my wife a little at a time when she wants too. My wife is a little more honest. She lost respect for me because I let her run through me for so long. I have heard it all and even had my wife leave tell me she'd be gone for just "a few minutes" at 11 am not to return until 11 am THE NEXT MORNING, texting all day, staying out with single friends I have never met, refusing to wear her ring! I know what someone living a secret life away from me feels like. I know your pain TRUST ME!

The biggest thing is centers of influence. My wife for example started working at a restaurant with a bunch of single people, well guess what? I became lame and boring and pitiful to her because she had a life and friend I couldn't meet, and all I did was stay home and watch TV, she refuses to wear her ring for the last 2 months. She didn't want my "lame " to meet all her new cool people. But you know there are 2 reasons for that... 1) They don't want that special someone to actually meet you. 2) They are afraid her friends will actually like you and realize the crap she probably talks about you is untrue.

For anyone else suffering from this, it is called rebellion, it happens in a lot of marriage and it is the period where 70% of divorces happen and it happen around year 2-5. Some people make it, A LOT don't, and regardless of how you feel, it has NOTHING to do with you or something you have done, its your spouse fighting with themselves and it's a fight they have to take on alone, you can't control, help, or change it, I promise, you getting involved makes it worse! My personal experience, GET OUT OF THE WAY... FAR AWAY.

Now for my own personal advice. DO NOT give ultimatums, rules, or conditions! Believe it or not they WILL purposely reject it and they may not know why? They may have intentions of changing, but it is like the little devil on their shoulder will always win. Guess where that leaves you? CRUSHED and broken with your own sanity in question! Let me make this clear THEY WILL NOT CHANGE IF YOU PUSH, YOU CAN NOT MAKE RULES THEY WILL BREAK THEM TO MAKE A POINT! Don't try to engage, don't fight, walk away and work on making yourself a survivor, and use "I feel" statements, not "You" statements.

It is like dealing with the devil. Mine stayed out all night one too many times, and truthfully I am sure she is seeing if there is greener grass with other people ( my wife really is model playboy material), I am sure she has or will cheat. Remember this, people will treat you by how the love you... do you feel love? I don't and I still have something with mine and we still hug and kiss, and we talk everyday! Either way I brought boxes home for mine after an all nighter with no call or return text.

I won't accept her being gone every night until 3 or 5 in the morning its about respect. It is killing me and she can't stop, so why keep allowing it. I just told her she was going through something and that I love her and cared, and would be there, but I needed to be respected. I decided to ask my wife to leave, she is respecting it cause she knows what this is doing to me. I am not sure what the result will be, but I know I will eventually have peace in my own life. I suggest people suffering from this make the stand. Don't do it with rules and ultimatums, do it by getting on with your life. If they catch up it will be better than ever! If not then at least you aren't suffering every night wondering and its better to get the horrible lonely feeling and person away from you sooner than later. Trust me. God bless and good luck! I'll be here reading for my own sanity it is a long way out of the ditch guys.

Update from the main man... the wifey signed the divorce papers, dating them on my 30th birthday. Way to stab me in the heart, huh? I caught her following her boyfriend to his house on the night of my 30th birthday. That twisted the knife in my heart.

It is so frickin hard sometimes, emotionally that is. We filed in July, 4 months after my original post here. We did the pro se packet, but she got a lawyer anyway. I have not hired one yet and I am still debating it. I may have to just do it, because I want shared placement and definitely deserve it, where she wants prime placement and child support. I think that custody issues are the hardest frickin part of the divorce process. The rest is pretty much done and ready for court approval. Well, off to bed... I am happy it is all coming to an end, finally. I want to start 2011 single. I hope we are done by then.

Definitely an attorney so you can get all the rights afforded to you in regards to your child. And stop following your wife around. It is counterproductive.

I wish you well

I caught her following her boyfriend to his house on the night of my 30th birthday. That twisted the knife in my heart.
I think if you tried, you could have celebrated your birthday, and signing the divorce papers in a much better way. Surely anything would have been better than putting a knife in her hands, and letting her twist it in your heart.

If you keeping asking others what they think in what you see is wrong, then you must feel something for her but she don't feel nothing for you, she don't deserve you,it will be hard for the few weeks ahead after you leave ,but believe me it will be relief after that