So my girlfriend was having a tough time with school, she started getting depressed and snapping at me all the time. I eventually told her I was sick of this and within a few weeks of that she said she wanted to break up to sort herself out. I was mad at this so told her not to call me again. She did of course and I ignored all her calls and texts.

She rang yesterday a LOT of times and since Id cooled down a lot and had some time to think since we've been apart I decided to pick up. She was in tears on the phone 'I made a huge mistake and I really want you back'

I said I didn't know if this was possible, I explained when you have problems you don't break up and run away to deal with them on your own. She said she didn't want to put me through her bad behaviour anymore so it was for the best. I said that I was unsure if I could give her another chance to break my heart again, she begged and begged. I said goodbye. She called me up again today and begged again.

Now my mum is away from next weekend for 2 weeks. She would always pretty much move in and keep my company while my mum was gone. I said we need to talk in person about this if anything is going to happen. Now she's at school Monday to Thursday and she is home Friday through Sunday.

She said she'd come over like she usually would next weekend when my mums away. I said why not see me this weekend and we can talk then. She said no, id rather come over next weekend like I was supposed to, this is the first time you've answered my calls in over 5 weeks so I don't want to rush things. So I told her I'd let her know whether she could come to talk next weekend or not.

Do you think Im trying to rush things by having her come this weekend? Or should I wait until next weekend and she can come like she was supposed to?

I do have a tendency to rush things, but Ive always been the type of person that wants to solve things right here and now. If I do wait until next week, I won't be contacting her again until I see her. Im not open to discuss anything over the phone, only to arrange a time to meet.

Thanks

I think, if you both do want to meet, that you should wait until the next weekend.

She's right, this isn't something you should rush back into. Give it another week, hopefully her emotions will settle a bit before then, and you'll both be thinking clearer.

Make sure this is something you want as well and you're not just doing this because she's begging you. If you were truly sick of her snapping and other issues and you don't think that things will be different the second time around then just be honest with her.

But like I said, I'd wait another week, you really don't want to rush back into anything. Take things slow and make sure the lines of communication are open and you're both willing to make some changes so history doesn't just repeat itself!

I think, if you both do want to meet, that you should wait until the next weekend.

She's right, this isn't something you should rush back into. Give it another week, hopefully her emotions will settle a bit before then, and you'll both be thinking clearer.

Make sure this is something you want as well and you're not just doing this because she's begging you. If you were truely sick of her snapping and other issues and you don't think that things will be different the second time around then just be honest with her.

But like I said, I'd wait another week, you really don't want to rush back into anything. Take things slow and make sure the lines of communication are open and you're both willing to make some changes so history doesn't just repeat itself!

Ah, glad to get another opinion on that, thanks.

Honestly me, she's home this evening, Id go round and talk it out tonight haha.

I always seem to rush things, I just figure why do it tomorrow when you can do it today. I just don't want her calling all the shots 'I'll see you next weekend'

I also don't want to look too eager so you're right, I'll wait until next weekend.

I'll listen to what she has to say and I'll say all of the things that are on my mind and then I'll make a decision upon whether I want to go back.

Ive never been in a situation like this before so Im not sure how to go about things. If we do decide to get back together, do we get slowly back into the swing of things and not rush anything, kind of like going back to the beginning, dating then slowly working up to the relationship?

Thanks

Why are you questioning yourself if you rush or not!
She's crazy or what? The girl wants you back and she wants to dictate everything.If she's so desperate to have you she shouldn't even choose when you'll meet.
I don't know if you should or not go back to her but she shouldn't dictate anything, she isn't supposed to start like that.

Why are you questioning yourself if you rush or not!
She's crazy or what? the girl wants you back and she wants to dictate everything.If she's so desparate to have you she shouldn't even choose when you'll meet.
I don't know if you should or not go back to her but she shouldn't dictate anything, she isn't supposed to start like that.

That's what I figured,

She's begging for me. I should be calling the shots and saying when to meet right?

Thats what I figured,

Shes begging for me. I should be calling the shots and saying when to meet right?

You do what you want but I would not be happy that someone who first dumped me (for no reason)and now wants me back would tell me "meet me where i want when i want".This must be a joke :eek:

While I agree she should definitely not be calling the shots, I definitely still think meeting next weekend WOULD be better than this weekend... just for the sole reason you shouldn't rush into anything.

Maybe just tell her you'll think about things this week and let her know if you're able to meet next weekend. During the week, I would do some serious thinking!

I appreciate what you guys are saying. What's bugging me is, she broke up with me, now she's asking for me back. I said lets meet this weekend and she's pretty much saying I'll have to wait until next weekend because SHE doesn't want to rush.

I don't want to rush but I feel like Im giving HER the chance to reconcile so if I suggest meeting this weekend, I expected her to jump at the opportunity, if Im being honest.

We could talk this weekend, then have a think about things all through the week and then decide upon another meeting next weekend if its successful.

Well well,

I just called her and said I'd like to meet this weekend. She said no wait until next week. I asked why and again she said I don't want to rush things.

I said I'm not happy with how this is going, you broke up with me, you've asked for me back and now you've set the time when we'll meet. She said yeah but you agreed to it at first. I said again its all on your terms.

Lets meet this weekend and talk since you're not busy. She replied, Im telling you I don't want to. I said you're going to have to give a little, I want to meet this weekend, you don't. You want to meet next weekend, maybe I don't. She said well don't bother then.

I said if you wanted me back as much as you say you do, you'd jump at the chance to meet me.

She then stated, you don't know what Im going through, how hard this is for me, blah blah.

I told her to stop the self pity and she said, this is just like you, its going smoothly and you jolt it up by making a fuss?

Then she hung up.

How am I making a fuss by asking to see her on my terms in my time for a change?

She broke up with me all on her terms.

Wow, how irritating! Is she kidding??

So, basically, she decides when she's had enough of the relationship, then she decides also when you're going to forgive her and take her back?

This girl sounds like a major control freak that doesn't know what she wants. She says you don't know what she's going through, how hard this is for her. She broke up with you. It's not your job to worry about how hard this must be for her.

She is not behaving like someone who feels very sorry and regrets her decision to break up with you.

Hahahaha.. Listen friend. Don't fool yourself. There is a reason she wants to wait til the next weekend and it's not to prevent rushing into anything. She said she wanted you back on the phone. So, what if you had said yes at that time? Would she have then said "wait, I don't want to rush into anything". Dude, you are being played! She wants to wait til the next weekend bcoz she already has other plans this weekend. My advice is to tell her the ride is over. Time to get off!

Wow, how irritating! Is she kidding????

So, basically, she decides when she's had enough of the relationship, then she decides also when you're going to forgive her and take her back?

This girl sounds like a major control freak that doesn't know what she wants. She says you dont know what she's going through, how hard this is for her. She broke up with you. It's not your job to worry about how hard this must be for her.

She is not behaving like someone who feels very sorry and regrets her decision to break up with you.

She said I agreed to see her next week so why am I making a fuss and changing it now. I said yeah AGREED and now Ive decided I want to talk this weekend and you won't budge. If you cared about getting me back why wouldn't you give a little. She said 'ive told you I'll see you next week because I don't want to rush'

I said to her, its all about you and what you want. She replied, how is it?

I don't know what to do now. I don't feel I'm in the wrong either. I asked for this weekend, she said no next weekend because that's what she wants.

Im already taking a chance on her, she dumped ME once, who says she won't do it again.

Im not calling her back.

Hahahaha.. Listen friend. Don't fool yourself. There is a reason she wants to wait til the next weekend and it's not to prevent rushing into anything. She said she wanted you back on the phone. So, what if you had said yes at that time? Would she have then said "wait, I don't want to rush into anything". Dude, you are being played! She wants to wait til the next weekend bcoz she already has other plans this weekend. My advice is to tell her the ride is over. Time to get off!

Ah, she doesn't have plans at the weekends. None of her friends live at home anymore, they're all at school too, she just sits in at home on weekends or is at mine.

But what she's doing is what she did often during the relationship. I'll see you on 'insert day' because that's when I want to see you.

She did this once or twice before she broke up while she was home from school for a couple weeks. I said I wanted to see her mid week and she said 'i'll see you on the weekend. I said, but I want to see you Wednesday and she said the same crap. I want to talk throughout the week (she means by phone) and if everything is good, I will come and see you on the weekend.

Its all totally her rules.

But yeah she said this time she wants to see me next weekend because she was due to come over and kind of stay for the two weeks then anyway.

Women go through a lot of hormone changes throughout their lives. When you're young it's PMS and all sorts of mood changes'

Has she dated anyone else? Have you? Seems she picked up on your bad moods and dropped the gauntlet before you did.

If you love each other give yourselves time to find each other again.
She doesn't seem like a bad person to me. You on the the other hand seem impatient. Good Luck!:)

Women go through a lot of hormone changes throughout their lives. When you're young it's PMS and all sorts of mood changes'

Has she dated anyone else? Have you? Seems she picked up on your bad moods and dropped the gauntlet before you did.

If you love each other give yourselves time to find each other again.
She doesn't seem like a bad person to me. You on the the other need to be patient. Good Luck!:)

While I understand what you're saying about hormones. I disagree on MY bad moods.

Its very rare that my mood changes, it was her who was having the bad moods and I called her on them. I'd say one thing she didn't agree with and she'd blow up. She said she'd stop but kept doing it. I tried to be patient but it didn't change so I told her again, STOP it please. She then dumped me, said it was better for us both.

What I don't like is the fact that everything seems to be on her terms. I always has seemed like if I go along with all of her things, everything is fine. As soon as I say something that she isn't happy with, then things aren't fine and Im the bad guy.

While I don't want to rush. I asked for a meeting this weekend and she wouldn't even CONSIDER it because SHE wants to meet next weekend and that's that.

I realise while I type this how petty Im sounding. Im not going to put myself in that situation again. I don't like conflict so I'll just end up going NC again.

Ps, neither of us have dated anybody else.

She actually said on the phone while she was crying, 'im sooo scared you'll meet somebody else'

While I understand what you're saying about hormones. I disagree on MY bad moods.

Its very rare that my mood changes, it was her who was having the bad moods and I called her on them. I'd say one thing she didnt agree with and she'd blow up. She said she'd stop but kept doing it. I tried to be patient but it didnt change so I told her again, STOP it please. She then dumped me, said it was better for us both.

What I dont like is the fact that everything seems to be on her terms. I always has seemed like if I go along with all of her things, everything is fine. As soon as I say something that she isnt happy with, then things arent fine and Im the bad guy.

While I dont wanna rush. I asked for a meeting this weekend and she wouldnt even CONSIDER it because SHE wants to meet next weekend and thats that.

I realise while I type this how petty Im sounding. Im not gonna put myself in that situation again. I dont like conflict so I'll just end up going NC again.

No you don't sound petty. Just give yourself time and when you two are together again, see how she acts! You seem to be a nice guy since you haven't called her ugly names or berated her moral character. That says a whole lot about you! Give it time and treat her the way you want to be treated.

If she hasn't changed maybe you two have out grown each other. It happens and I commend you for being a gentleman!:)

No you don't sound petty. Just give yourself time and when you two are together again, see how she acts! You seem to be a nice guy since you haven't called her ugly names or berated her moral character. That says a whole lot about you! Give it time and treat her the way you want to be treated.

If she hasn't changed maybe you two have out grown each other. It happens and I commend you for being a gentleman!:)

Thanks, I appreciate it.

Oh no, Id never dream of speaking in bad light of her. Ive no need. Im just trying to be fair for the both of us. Trying to set it up so its give and take from both sides.

I also understand what she's going through but Im also trying to help her help herself by not making excuses about her problems. Rather than dwell on them, having a positive attitude is the best way to rid them.

We can only see what happens when we meet.

I in the mean time will practice my patience. I really hate conflict, but I know Rome wasn't built in a day, everybody needs time right.

Thanks, i appreciate it.

Oh no, Id never dream of speaking in bad light of her. Ive no need. Im just trying to be fair for the both of us. Trying to set it up so its give and take from both sides.

I also understand what she's going through but Im also trying to help her help herself by not making excuses about her problems. Rather than dwell on them, having a positive attitude is the best way to rid them.

We can only see what happens when we meet.

I in the mean time will practice my patience. I really hate conflict, but I know Rome wasnt built in a day, everybody needs time right.



You are doing the right thing. She's very lucky to have someone like you! Who knows what will happen? I think she will meet you halfway if you sit down with her and explain how she makes you feel sometimes.

You two have a chance at a great future if she is willing to admit
She needs to be more understanding and you need to be more patient. Good Luck Young Man:)

What I dont like is the fact that everything seems to be on her terms. I always has seemed like if I go along with all of her things, everything is fine. As soon as I say something that she isnt happy with, then things arent fine and Im the bad guy.

While I dont wanna rush. I asked for a meeting this weekend and she wouldnt even CONSIDER it because SHE wants to meet next weekend and thats that.

If you're both willing to talk it out then there's no reason why the meeting can't still be the next weekend as originally planned. You'll both be free that weekend anyway so there's no good reason why you need to rush it.

You mention that she usually exerts a lot of "control" in the relationship and you're not happy with that. You wanting to change the meeting to a week earlier seems to deal more with giving you a way to regain control than with being the type of person who wants to resolve things quickly, as you say you are.Assuming she's being honest about the reason (to take things slowly), you are creating an unnecessary power struggle.

Bottom line is, she reached out to you and you decided to give it a second chance... but you still mention misgivings like whether she might dump you again. If you two are already creating a disagreement out of when to meet to repair your relationship, maybe that extra week's time is a good opportunity to rethink the decision.

Listen.

You made a very good decision by going NC.

Then she reeled you back in.

And making meeting demands. What a joke.

I would use your gut, man. Not sure someone can change after 5 weeks.

After all, if she was committed, she wouldn't need 5 weeks to figure it out.

Sounds like you could be in for a world of hurt if you lose control here.

Her reasons don't sound true. Anyone that begs, I got to question their insecure motives.

Wait until you all have the weekend together and you will see if you want to continue this relationship!

Women sometimes do need a break, that doesn't mean she cares less about you.

Talk and discuss where you want to go with this. Ask her questions about things that have been hurting you. Let her tell you the things that have been bothering her.

Don't write her off until you talk.:)

Caring is one thing being able to be in a relationship is another.

Go ahead, have that talk. Curious to hear.

Before, think about what you have learned in the past 5 weeks about yourself. What it is you want.

You have a wonderful weekend and keep us posted. You are a nice guy and I hope she realizes that! Blessings:)

To be honest, I have never gone back with someone who has dumped me instead of at least trying to solve things together. I can see backing off, and cooling off, then talking to see if there can be a resolution. But breaking up because things are rough, sorry, no way. I would disappear, and be done.

I think it would only be by phone only until we have an agreement that solves the problem, and I get convinced she is ready to drop the BS, and is for real. I think she wants to get back with you, just so she has something else to do. Or until she does find something else to do. And that's not reason enough to try again in my book.

She would have to do a lot more talking, and less begging, for me to even consider changing my mind. You're a better guy than me, because I don't trust the begging at all.

Ok maybe I over exaggerated the use of the word begging.

She was crying on the phone and said Ive really made a mistake and I want you back. I think the tears just made it seem more intense. Probably because I haven't answer a single phone call from her in over 5 weeks.

She did also say during that conversation, I only want you back if we talk and things are going to change. We'll see how it goes before we make any final decisions.

I trust that her motives aren't regarding having nobody. She's very attractive physically and is never short of an offer. Mainly from the type of guy who wants a quick roll in the hay but that's by the by. I too get plenty of offers but in my eyes, you can't just go off and be with somebody else, just like that.

I guess I'll just proceed with caution for now and as you say, let her do all the talking.

As for the power thing, I think you're right. By rearranging the time and in doing so creating a fuss, I guess I am possibly only doing it to regain back some of that power. Which of course, is not going to set us off to a good start.

I'll just keep my mouth shut from now on and be more easy going.

As for talaniman suggesting talking it out on the phone long before meeting, would this be a better option?

I read a couple of posts here before I wrote this one and many times people have suggested to others that they need to meet and talk in person. I assumed this was a better option than talking on the phone?

Thanks

I also want to add too. She tried over a couple of months or so to sort things out. This was during the time that she kept snapping. I kind of hurried her and said this is taking too long and you're still snapping at me. She said something like, if that's the way you're going to be on, then just finish it now.

Ive shown little patience on more than one occasion...

Ah, she doesnt have plans at the weekends. None of her friends live at home anymore, they're all at school too, she just sits in at home on weekends or is at mine.

but what shes doing is what she did often during the relationship. I'll see you on 'insert day' because thats when I want to see you.

She did this once or twice before she broke up while she was home from school for a couple weeks. I said I wanted to see her mid week and she said 'i'll see you on the weekend. I said, but I wanna see you wednesday and she said the same crap. I wanna talk throughout the week (she means by phone) and if everything is good, I will come and see you on the weekend.

Its all totally her rules.

But yeah she said this time she wants to see me next weekend cos she was due to come over and kinda stay for the two weeks then anyway.

Well you know her better than I, but I'm not buying it. I stick to my initial assessment that she has plans. In either case. I wish you the best.

Well you know her better than I, but I'm not buying it. I stick to my initial assessment that she has plans. In either case. I wish you the best.

By this weekend I actually meant last night, since she was home early afternoon yesterday.

I already asked to meet yesterday and she said no. She clearly wasn't busy because when I called her last night her mum said I think she's in bed but I'll go check she's still awake. She was in bed but awake so then I asked why we hadn't met tonight and said she she'd already told me she didn't want to. I then asked about the rest of the weekend since she's not doing anything, she still said no. If she's going to sit in her pajamas and have no other reason not to see me other than because she says no, well no means no.

So I guess it'll just be next weekend.

I have plans this weekend, I'm going to meet with a few friends on Saturday evening. Im not sitting round waiting, we'll just see what happens.

Thanks

Sound pretty fishy to me that she just call you and said she made a mistake breaking it off. NC is a roller coaster ride. Sometime you have weak moment and cannot control yourself anymore, maybe this is just to ease her pain. Just don't get your hope up too much. Good luck.

It would seem that she still has control, and still sets the pace, and nothing you can do about it but cave to her "wishes". Maybe you need 5 more weeks of NC.


She actually said on the phone while she was crying, 'I'm sooo scared you'll meet somebody else'
Now that she knows she is back in control, things have already gone back to what she wants, when she wants it and screw what you want. So the whole idea was to make sure you haven't moved on.

That's why since your going to go this route, talking on the phone would be your better option, because you will cave like a wimp with her in person for a weekend.

That's why you won't see her this weekend, because she is just letting you stew in your own juice for a while longer, and you will be a lot more pliable having thought of her for an extra week. Amazing how she can stick to her guns, and take it slow, and you go along.

For you being her first boyfriend, she definitely knows how to handle you. To bad your not as skilled as she is and maybe should have told her forget this try again stuff. Get on the phone and change the plan, before you get dumped again, as even though face to face talking is probably best, not in your case, your to impatient, and at least over the phone her perfume won't cloud your mind.

She wants to take it slow, give her what she asked for and see if she is sincere, before you get all those old intense feelings back, because for sure she will be all charm and smiles in person.

Listen to the old guy and don't fall for that okey doke, youngster.

Take the advice you've been given.

It would seem that she still has control, and still sets the pace, and nothing you can do about it but cave to her "wishes". Maybe you need 5 more weeks of NC.


Now that she knows she is back in control, things have already gone back to what she wants, when she wants it and screw what you want. So the whole idea was to make sure you haven't moved on.

Thats why since your going to go this route, talking on the phone would be your better option, because you will cave like a wimp with her in person for a weekend.

Thats why you won't see her this weekend, because she is just letting you stew in your own juice for a while longer, and you will be a lot more pliable having thought of her for an extra week. Amazing how she can stick to her guns, and take it slow, and you go along.

For you being her first boyfriend, she definitely knows how to handle you. To bad your not as skilled as she is and maybe should have told her forget this try again stuff. Get on the phone and change the plan, before you get dumped again, as even though face to face talking is probably best, not in your case, your to impatient, and at least over the phone her perfume won't cloud your mind.

She wants to take it slow, give her what she asked for and see if she is sincere, before you get all those old intense feelings back, because for sure she will be all charm and smiles in person.

Listen to the old guy and don't fall for that okey doke, youngster.

Thanks I appreciate it.

Could you just expand on a couple points for me please,

By get on the phone and change the plan, do you mean say I don't want to see her at the weekend, I'd rather talking things out over the phone for now?

Is it bad that I'm impatient(of course it is in a general sense) but I mean in this situation?

I don't think I'll cave as easy as you might think. If I'm being treated like this all on her rules, if I don't stop it now it won't ever stop. I didn't cave when I decided to ignore her contact for 5 weeks.

So my best option is to go real slow and see if she's sincere?

Ps, this isn't her first boyfriend. She had a previous one who over 3 years cheated on her many times and she took him back. She's 22 and Im 23. I don't want to be treat like somebodys puppy dog, especially not while Im young and there are other options.

Could you just expand on a couple points for me please,
By get on the phone and change the plan, do you mean say I don't wanna see her at the weekend, I'd rather talking things out over the phone for now?
Absolutely, because your rushing back to her arms with barely a whimper, and thats not good because you're not listening to her, finding out what she really wants (besides stopping you from moving on), or honestly expressing yourself, or sticking up for yourself, if you feel you're right. I hope you talk extensively for a while before you get back face to face and especially not over a weekend.


Is it bad that I'm impatient(of course it is in a general sense) but i mean in this situation?
Its a disaster, since you are choosing to ignore several red flags, the biggest being why she dumped you in the first place. You also ignore you have solved nothing so far, nor really talked about a solution. Instead your going right back to a familiar pattern of behavior, because thats what she wants.


I don't think I'll cave as easy as you might think. If I'm being treated like this all on her rules, if I don't stop it now it wont ever stop. I didn't cave when I decided to ignore her contact for 5 weeks.
You didn't heal either as if what you have written is accurate, when you did talk to her you caved then, so those 5 weeks meant nothing. Again, what has really changed?

So my best option is to go real slow and see if she's sincere?

Your best option was to take your freedom, and heal, and then see how you felt, and 5 weeks wasn't enough. But you open the door again, and she has already made sure it stays open, and your going along with her program again, just like before.

You talk tough, but your actions are not matching your words.

Yeah talk to her only over the phone, and see if she is willing to share some control with you, and see how she reacts when she can't get her way. Then you will truly know where her head is, and if she has truly changed her attitude, I don't think so.

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule- When you break up, have the courtesy to revoke their relationship privileges.

Talaniman Rule- Never let them break your heart TWICE! Didn't it hurt enough the first time?

Talaniman rules- When you get dumped, why go back, and get dumped again.

Talaniman Rule- When they need space, give it to them, and disappear from their lives. This allows you to heal.

Talaniman Rule- Never allow an ex to make rules for what you do.

Talaniman Rule- Never wait when you get dumped. Get your own life and let them get theirs.

Talaniman Rule-Never follow your heart when its so broken, it makes the brain feel like mush

I threw this one in as it applies to exes, as well as strangers.

Talaniman Rule- never be in a hurry to give your heart to a stranger. Wait until they have proven they deserve it, and know what to do with it.
Has she proven anything to you yet??

Phone only, until she does, or you will be back with more confusion, than you have now.

Thanks, you've given me a lot to think about here.

I'll update this post when the situation goes further.

In the mean time, I'll talk on the phone and watch out for those red flags you mentioned.

Thanks again

Good Luck!

Go back to NC

Go back to NC

While I understand why you would suggest this, I feel doing that will only prolong this situation. If I disappear for another couple of months and she come back again wanting to give it another go, I'd rather have take then opportunity now and if it doesn't work this time, I'll call it a day.

I just need to proceed with caution. I don't have high expectations, as to not set myself up for failure. By nature Im impatient but Im going to try extra hard to let this take its course and monitor her behaviour to see if its changed.

Maybe it will work. Be strong!

Up to you, man.

We've said our peace.

Did you read all of the stickies Tal offered up?

If you don't, you're in trouble. Situation are seldom about others, but the way we deal with it.

Listen to Talaniman!

So true.
Proof is in the pudding. Yum, pudding...

Some people don't change in a lifetime, let alone in 5 or so weeks.

Yeah thanks guys, I read the stickies.

The only reason Im going to do this now is like I said, I don't want to prolong this. I know if I cut contact again and in a couple months time when she comes back, I'll be thinking about taking the opportunity again. I feel that would be time wasted.

Im going to approach it now, but really smartly and look out for anything that might seem odd.

Like Tal said, if her actions are sincere they will show.

I doubt she's changed in 5 weeks, however if she can show some positive actions towards change then this will give me something to go off.

This doesn't mean a free pass back into my life, she ran out of it!

Perhaps I should set a rough time scale on this?

I can tell you from experience that all you think is good too you, is not good for you.

That's why some thoughtful considerations, before you make decisions, and take action, is highly recommended.

Glad you're seeing that and being more cautious and thoughtful about gathering facts first, before you jump in. That's a big step in dealing with reality, and making good decisions for yourself in the future.

You sound desperate to me and she can sense it. She got you on a leash. The last 5 weeks of NC was like a ticking time bomb and she just set it off. If you screw this up, you'll be back to square one again. Listen to what we are telling you. I wish I had all this resource available when I was dating lol.

I never really jumped in in the beginning either. I knew her for a fair few months then we dated for about 4 months then I decided to take the chance after weighing up the situation. It wasn't till a over a year down the line these things started cropping up. I guess that's when you really start finding out about a person huh.

Ahh, I don't want to sound desperate. Which parts of this is making me sound desperate? That's the last thing I want to appear.

Thanks

I think you give us that impression when you jump to whatever she says.

Its like she is a need that you must have at a price of yourself. For most of us that's a very high price to pay for attention.

YThe only reason Im gonna do this now is like I said, I dont want to prolong this. I know if I cut contact again and in a couple months time when she comes back, I'll be thinking about taking the opportunity again. I feel that would be time wasted.


What you are saying is if she come back in a month time, although it's wasted time but it's OK. Sound like she got all the power to me and she decide when to come back and you would allow it.


This scenario is nothing new. Happened to me as well. I used to have an ex, she broke up with me but sometime would call me and said still love me bla bla bla, as soon as I said I want to meet her, she said no. I am sure the last 5 weeks was a rollercoaster ride for you. Probably wondering when she's going to call lol. She may be just checking to see if she still got power over you and she made the right decision or not. You show weakness by wanting to see her this weekend.


If she was desperate or really deeply in love wit you, forget about the weekend, she would want to see you right there at that moment if you insist. Like Tal said, talk about this over the phone is the best.

Good luck , do what we have told you to do or at least take some of the advice.

What you are saying is if she come back in a month time, although it's wasted time but it's ok. Sound like she got all the power to me and she decide when to come back and you would allow it.


This scenario is nothing new. Happened to me as well. I used to have an ex, she broke up with me but sometime would call me and said still love me bla bla bla, as soon as I said I want to meet her, she said no. I am sure the last 5 weeks was a rollercoaster ride for you. Probably wondering when she's going to call lol. She may be just checking to see if she still got power over you and she made the right decision or not. You show weakness by wanting to see her this weekend.


If she was desperate or really deeply in love wit you, forget about the weekend, she would want to see you right there at that moment if you insist. Like Tal said, talk about this over the phone is the best.

Ah I understand what you mean now. It still wouldn't be all right if she just came back in a month either. What I mean is, id rather see how things go now then spend anymore time on this. I was really starting to close her out the last 5 weeks, I could start that phase again if she doesn't show improvement.

I guess I seemed a little eager asking to meet this weekend. Again one of the reasons I did it was because I figured hey, if you want me back that bad you'll jump at the chance to see me. I put it out there and she responded by saying no, I'll see you next weekend like we planned.

Im going to pull the plug on next weekend and talk on the phone to see if things improve.

How should this situation really go?

In a manner in which she didn't have control over the whole situation?

I figure if she knows she's got me, she's not going to want me as much.

She actually called today and mentioned something about next weekend, wanting to just have a nice time or whatever. I didn't respond to it.

I'll call her through the week and say next weekend is off until we figure some things out over the phone.

Let us know how it goes! Good Luck!

Let us know how it goes!! Good Luck!

Thanks I will do.

Im going with real caution. What's thrown me off most is that fact that she didn't jump at the chance to meet up with me when I suggested. Made me feel she's not as bothered about getting back as she maybe making out. I try to follow the actions and not the words.

I have some other options and quite a high interest from another girl Ive known for about 8 years. My friends have told me I should probably move forward and explore these options rather than moving back.

While its fair to have options for yourself, I feel that its almost wrong that Im considering them, while thinking about getting back with me ex.

I hpe you do as your friends have suggested. Good Luck.

thanks I will do.

Im going with real caution. Whats thrown me off most is that fact that she didnt jump at the chance to meet up with me when I suggested. Made me feel shes not as bothered about getting back as she maybe making out. I try to follow the actions and not the words.

I have some other options and quite a high interest from another girl Ive known for about 8 years. My friends have told me I should probably move forward and explore these options rather than moving back.

While its fair to have options for yourself, I feel that its almost wrong that Im considering them, while thinking about getting back with me ex.

Did she knew something about this other girl that's why she's back begging?

Forget her! Who knows? Please stop doing this to yourself!

Did she knew something about this other girl that's why she's back begging?

She has no clue of this other girl who's showing a lot of interest, or a couple of the other ones who have given me hints.

That's mainly the reason why I feel bad when I talk to these other girls. I just speak friendly with them, I try to be friendly with everybody. Now they know Im single, they're starting to talk to me a lot more and in a different manner for example when Im out and see them, or sending me texts etc.

Although on the other hand, I'm not doing anything wrong. They always make contact with me, not I with them.

Start talking to the other girls! Who cares about her reasons?She doesn't want you. Make a cleean break.

Well well,

I just called her and said I'd like to meet this weekend. She said no wait until next week. I asked why and again she said I dont wanna rush things.

I said im not happy with how this is going, you broke up with me, you've asked for me back and now you've set the time when we'll meet. She said yeah but you agreed to it at first. I said again its all on your terms.

Lets meet this weekend and talk since you're not busy. She replied, Im telling you I dont want to. I said you're gonna have to give a little, I want to meet this weekend, you dont. You want to meet next weekend, maybe I dont. She said well dont bother then.

I said if you wanted me back as much as you say you do, you'd jump at the chance to meet me.

She then stated, you dont know what Im going through, how hard this is for me, blah blah.

I told her to stop the self pity and she said, this is just like you, its going smoothly and you jolt it up by making a fuss?!

Then she hung up.

How am I making a fuss by asking to see her on my terms in my time for a change?

She broke up with me all on her terms.


She must of heard something about your other women not from you but maybe from your friend. From my experience, girls don't just come back begging for no reason. From what you wrote above, you sound desperate, should keep it short and sweet. She knew that she still got you, you keep asking why she doesn't want to meet. She knows you're not going anywhere yet so there's no rush. I suggest you explore your options because if she want you back knowing you are with others girls then it will be short lived if you are back together and you'll be back to being hurt again.

Like KitKat said.

Stop worrying about her, just you.

You act like she's got you under some spell.

A clean break is the ticket here.

You disappeared before. Do it again, except this time she won't reel you back in.

Can't you see this is only causing heartache & confusion.

You were doing fine before.

She must of heard something about your other women not from you but maybe from your friend. From my experience, girls don't just come back begging for no reason. From what you wrote above, you sound desperate, should keep it short and sweet. She knew that she still got you, you keep asking why she doesn't want to meet. She knows you're not going anywhere yet so there's no rush. I suggest you explore your options because if she want you back knowing you are with others girls then it will be short lived if you are back together and you'll be back to being hurt again.

She doesn't talk to my friends. There's absolutely no way she could know. But she said over the phone she is worried I may meet somebody else.

What's funny is, the only time she seemed really bothered and her feelings were intense was when I picked the phone up after 5 weeks. The couple of times we've talked then, she's slowed down 'I don't want to rush' and does seem all that bothered again. She was only bothered when she thought I was gone for good.

You guys are right!

What confuses me so much is, how can a girl act soooo sweet when I'm saying and doing all the right things, or at least the things she wants me to say and do, yet the moment I go against the grain, she turns into a controller and its her way or the highway.

Is there ever a way around people like this? Or do you just have to leave them behind?

She's got good morals, comes from a good family, etc, she's very attractive, except it seems if things are going her way, she makes it really difficult for me.

Im not worried about not being able to find another girl. This other girl pursuing me is equally attractive. It just feels quit hard to believe this is the end of the road.

You can't change somebody else's behaviour can you?

Like KitKat said.

Stop worrying about her, just you.

You act like shes got you under some spell.

A clean break is the ticket here.

You disappeared before. Do it again, except this time she wont reel you back in.

Can't you see this is only causing heartache & confusion.

You were doing fine before.


Ps, I was actually doing fine before.

It seemed different then. She broke up and I thought fine screeewww youuu then. And from then on I ignored her calls, mainly because I had a reason. She'd really hurt me by breaking up.

This time she's not done that so I bet its going to be harder to just disappear again.

Never assume what a female does, and doesn't know about what your doing. NEVER. Trust me, they have ways.

I think if I may get a cliché that fits here, "all that glitters is not gold" and despite the things you point out about her family, her looks, You have been forced to see how she is besides all that gold stuff you see. It takes a lot more than looks or breeding to be a good romantic partner, who is happy when she gets her way, and very unhappy when she doesn't. Those are the things you should be paying attention to, not just the looks.

I would say you have had an ample amount of time to see the whole picture and not just the outside, and can judge for yourself whether she is worth all this hassle and drama.

That's why I say talk over the phone, so you can listen to her without the looking into her eyes and getting lost, without seeing her good side for a weekend, and getting stirred up emotionally.

She wants to go slow, then cancel the weekend, and talk over the phone HONESTLY expressing your questions, as you have done here. Or else you will be stepping back to the same thing you just left.

It was telling that she told you she was afraid of you moving on, so forget being impatient, and miss seeing things you should be paying closer attention to, and I don't mean how she looks in a skirt she will wear just to attract you.

Take your time and look deeper into her mind, or be hurt again, maybe worse this time.

Never assume what a female does, and doesn't know about what your doing. NEVER. Trust me, they have ways.

I think if I may get a cliché that fits here, "all that glitters is not gold" and despite the things you point out about her family, her looks, You have been forced to see how she is besides all that gold stuff you see. It takes a lot more than looks or breeding to be a good romantic partner, who is happy when she gets her way, and very unhappy when she doesn't. Those are the things you should be paying attention to, not just the looks.

I would say you have had an ample amount of time to see the whole picture and not just the outside, and can judge for yourself whether she is worth all this hassle and drama.

Thats why I say talk over the phone, so you can listen to her without the looking into her eyes and getting lost, without seeing her good side for a weekend, and getting stirred up emotionally.

She wants to go slow, then cancel the weekend, and talk over the phone HONESTLY expressing your questions, as you have done here. Or else you will be stepping back to the same thing you just left.

It was telling that she told you she was afraid of you moving on, so forget being impatient, and miss seeing things you should be paying closer attention to, and I don't mean how she looks in a skirt she will wear just to attract you.

Take your time and look deeper into her mind, or be hurt again, maybe worse this time.

Yeah I understand what you mean. Its been about 2 years from meeting her and then becoming exclusive.

Hey, it wasn't just her looks, she's very caring as well, she does some charity work too. She's been very kind to my mum as well. But as you say, when she's not getting her own way, she's unhappy and boy does she let it be known!

I can't imagine her getting dressed up to come over to my house and charm me, she doesn't wear skirts for a start haha, just regular clothes.

I just called her up and said look Id rather talk about things over the phone before you come over next weekend and we just act like nothing has happened. I said we need to discuss things openly over the phone and I'll need to see that things have changed before we start meeting in person again because I don't want to end back at square one.

She said oh right, I'm disappointed you don't want me over but if that's what you want to do then cool. It's a good suggestion and it will allow us to talk about things sensibly without getting locked in with our emotions in person.

I think that went pretty well. I kept it short.

What do you get from her response?

I had a feeling she was going to say fine, forget it then, but I got a surprise when she didn't. Maybe she's taking this more seriously than I thought.

Thanks

Take the advice on these other post and you can't go wrong.

Enough chit chat, get honest with some real talk, and start with things you need to know. Make a list!!

Enough chit chat, get honest with some real talk, and start with things you need to know. Make a list!!!!

Hmm I can't see this going down well.

During the whole relationship, anything that has happened Ive asked questions about, not to be a pain but to get a good understanding of things.

She thinks I ask too many questions.

If I bombard her with a list of questions, I can tell you for a fact she isn't going to like it or even want to answer them all.

I kind of feel like Im wasting my time on this one.

How do you make the RIGHT decision and STICK to it?

I can see where you could be irritating! I'm sorry but it's true! No really you do need to ask her about important things and try to get some answers before you waste anymore time on her.

I can see where you could be irritating! I'm sorry but it's true! No really you do need to ask her about important things and try to get some answers before you waste anymore time on her.

What do you think makes me irritating?

I have MANY bad habbits but I've never thought of irritating as one of them.

Like I said, Ive asked important questions in the past, she gives one or two words bad and thinks that's end of conversation. If I ask again, she don't want to know.

That doesn't sound very mature on her part.

Here's a good question for her:

"Do you want to be in a committed relationship with me"

If this answer is "No, or not right now, or Im not sure".

Then roll & start living your life again.

What do you think makes me irritating?

I have MANY bad habbits but ive never thought of irritating as one of them.

Like I said, Ive asked important questions in the past, she gives one or two words bad and thinks thats end of conversation. If I ask again, she dont wanna know.



Okay you ask for it. You keep asking what you should do and then you come back with another question about almost the same thing. Another is you have been given some very good advice and I wonder if you are taking any of it. I mean I'll bet you are a really nice guy but all the different questions lead back to the same thing. The ex.

You have to be told over and over again. You should make a list of questions to ask her and ask her those questions only. Don't keep asking her more questions if she doesn't tell you what you want to hear.

That doesnt sound very mature on her part.

Heres a good question for her:

"Do you want to be in a committed relationship with me"

If this answer is "No, or not right now, or Im not sure".

Then roll & start living your life again.

No wonder she thinks Im a pain. I am a pain in this situation.

If I ask you a question and you answer 'mm' or 'yeah' and that doesn't clear the issue up in my head, Im going to ask you again.

After a year of me having to keep asking you the same question 3 or 4 times you're going to think, damn this guys a pain.

Its funny how I never have to repeat a question more than once to friends or family members to get a satisfying answer.

If Im always banging on and banging on, that's probably some of the reason she called it quits.

I actually asked her on the phone why she called it quits and she said she was 'tired of me going on at her for losing her cool'. Solution, don't lose your cool? She also said she WAS in the wrong for losing her cool all the time like that and admitted that I often said very little and she would lose it. She blames this on her depression and said it wasn't fair to keep shouting at me like that. Which I agree with.

I'll certainly ask her the question you've suggested. If I can't get a good answer for that one, its not worth asking any others.

I agree.

That's the only question you need to know the answer to.

Okay you ask for it. You keep asking what you should do and then you come back with another question about almost the same thing. Another is you have been given some very good advice and I wonder if you are taking any of it. I mean I'll bet you are a really nice guy but all the different questions lead back to the same thing. The ex.

You have to be told over and over again. You should make a list of questions to ask her and ask her those questions only. Don't keep asking her more questions if she doesn't tell you what you want to hear.

I appreciate what you're saying.

I'll stop asking questions here.

Im making a list. But if I ask and she won't answer, there's nothing much I can do and that's what annoys me the most.

I thought I was a nice guy once, but since Ive been involved with this girl I question it. Ive turned into a robot asking question after freaking question because I can get a straight answer. Which probably makes me look too full on or possessive. The whole thing paints a bad light on me. I was never full of questions with my previous girlfriend, Id ask and she'd answer.

All the hanging around is driving me crazy.

Thanks

No wonder she thinks Im a pain. I am a pain in this situation.

If I ask you a question and you answer 'mm' or 'yeah' and that doesnt clear the issue up in my head, Im going to ask you again.

After a year of me having to keep asking you the same question 3 or 4 times you're gonna think, damn this guys a pain.

Its funny how I never have to repeat a question more than once to friends or family members to get a satisfying answer.

If Im always banging on and banging on, thats probably some of the reason she called it quits.

I actually asked her on the phone why she called it quits and she said she was 'tired of me going on at her for losing her cool'. Solution, dont lose your cool? She also said she WAS in the wrong for losing her cool all the time like that and admitted that I often said very little and she would lose it. She blames this on her depression and said it wasnt fair to keep shouting at me like that. Which I agree with.

I'll certainly ask her the question you've suggested. If I can't get a good answer for that one, its not worth asking any others.

I'm a very irritating person myself sometimes! Know when to be quiet and you'll see a difference. Let her talk... and don't interrupt her.
When she's finished ask her if you can talk to her about things. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings, but sometimes I've told my older children when they were about ready to graduate high school, "i would say , "You all are starting to irritate me".My sweet son would always say "We need to stop irritaing mom , cause when mom's not happy nobody is." Take care sweeetie and let us know how everything goes.:)

I appreciate what you're saying.

I'll stop asking questions here.

Im making a list. But if I ask and she wont answer, theres nothing much I can do and thats what annoys me the most.

I thought I was a nice guy once, but since Ive been involved with this girl I question it. Ive turned into a robot asking question after freaking question because I can get a straight answer. Which probably makes me look too full on or possessive. The whole thing paints a bad light on me. I was never full of questions with my previous girlfriend, Id ask and she'd answer.

All the hanging around is driving me crazy.

thanks

No you need to keep in contact with us. We will help you through this! You can ask anything you want too. That's why we're here!

Dude, communication is the basis & foundation for everything.

We give advice here, no problem.

If she isn't willing to communicate or be honest, then she's not right for you.

I wouldn't want to keep asking either.

Dude, communication is the basis & foundation for everything.

We give advice here, no problem.

If she isnt willing to communicate or be honest, then she's not right for you.

I wouldnt want to keep asking either.

I think the problem here is everybody communicates differently.

Where she may think an issue is solved in few words, this isn't enough for me and that is what causes the problems.

And come to think of it, when I first picked up the phone to her I asked if she wanted a serious relationship with me and she said yes but used the line 'I don't want to rush back into anything' And thus brought the complication of me looking desperate by asking to see her sooner rather than later.

Anyway, we'll see how it goes.

Thanks guys

I think the problem here is everybody communicates differently.

Where she may think an issue is solved in few words, this isnt enough for me and that is what causes the problems.

And come to think of it, when I first picked up the phone to her I asked if she wanted a serious relationship with me and she said yes but used the line 'I dont want to rush back into anything' And thus brought the complication of me looking desperate by asking to see her sooner rather than later.

Anyway, we'll see how it goes.

thanks guys

You need to keep posting sweetie, that's why we're here!

Well, that sounds contradictory to me.

I guess you need to discuss what exactly it is you both want.

Then make some decisions.

Your approach is important, as in any communications. You can't just read from a list. The list is for you to organizing your thoughts, and stay on point. The way you ask the questions are what she will hear, as part of a conversation.

For example, You can just ask her will you commit, You have to phrase it in a context of your own feelings, as in I was hurt by the break up, and don't want to hurt again, as expressing your fears is a way to see if she will commit.

She opened a door when she said she could understand you wanting to talk, without all the emotions of being in the same place.

That's what I mean about your impatience will be your down fall, because your zeal for answers, and solutions, often gets in the way of you listening, and to me, that's the most important part of good honest communications, LISTENING. That, and knowing when to back off, and wait for someone to get their head wrapped around what your saying. That's the key to understanding. That's the key to getting facts, by which to make good decisions with.

Make that list, memorize it, and work it into a good conversation. Hell, it took two days for my wife to tell me what she thought about some changes to the household budget, to cover some software she wanted.

PATIENCE!!!!

Also know, it takes time to establish good communications sometimes, with some its so natural, others take longer. It's a big red flag when a couple cannot establish communications between them. Hard to work together, if you don't understand each other.

Your approach is important, as in any communications. You can't just read from a list. The list is for you to organizing your thoughts, and stay on point. The way you ask the questions are what she will hear, as part of a conversation.

For example, You can just ask her will you commit, You have to phrase it in a context of your own feelings, as in I was hurt by the break up, and don't want to hurt again, as expressing your fears is a way to see if she will commit.

She opened a door when she said she could understand you wanting to talk, without all the emotions of being in the same place.

Thats what I mean about your impatience will be your down fall, because you zeal for answers, and solutions, often gets in the way of you listening, and to me, thats the most important part of good honest communications, LISTENING. That, and knowing when to back off, and wait for someone to get their head wrapped around what your saying. Thats the key to understanding. Thats the key to getting facts, by which to make good decisions with.

Make that list, memorize it, and work it into a good conversation. Hell, it took two days for my wife to tell me what she thought about some changes to the household budget, to cover some software she wanted.

PATIENCE!!!!

Patience is a virtue! I often lose patience with people and end up feeling horrible later. Good advice.:o

I agree, didn't mean to be so cut & dried.

There's what's in your head & what's in hers.

There's honest & frank conversations that need to happen for both of you to make decisions.

That involves being honest & listening. Putting all of your respective cards on the table in a sense.

For you both to paint that picture of how you see things in the future.

And what hasn't worked before.

Thens there's the time to reflect after.

Making true informed decisions based on that information.

Just a little update.

We've talked some more on the phone. I addressed two important issues, one being her not making me a priority anymore like she used to. The other was an issue of sex. We went from having sex about 3 times a week to about once every 2 or so weeks.

In her responses she talked about me not being able to come first all the time and how that isn't how a relationship works. (which I don't agree with)

In relation to the sex problem so owned up to this and said once she started getting stressed with her work the last thing she felt like doing was having sex. She apologised for the argument we go into where by after about 4 months of very little sex I asked about it and she blew up and claimed all I was after was sex...

One thing I can't get past is, she dumped me because she said she didn't know what she wanted anymore, didn't think she had time for a boyfriend. Now she's realised she wants me.

If this is so, why am I having such a hard time believing it?

Im having a hard job in my mind upon whether to get back in this or not. Even when we talk some more and after a few weeks if all the issues are resolved on the phone, there's still no way to resolve the issue of she dumped me. Things got bad and after 3 months or so she dumped me. When you love somebody as much as she claims to, you don't dump them after that short of time.

I asked her about this on the phone and she said she just couldn't do it anymore and needed time away from it to figure things out.

She also asked me on the phone if I had met anybody. I replied no and she said strange because she's had several dreams about me meeting somebody and girls name was the same in all of them. She then got very sharp with me and pretty much said she's sure Im in contact with somebody else. She said she doesn't want to be hurt so if I am to let her know and she'll be on her way.

Im actually not in contact with anybody, nor have I met anybody.

She also said a few things on the phone which I thought were quite odd. She claimed that because I hadn't been contacting her very much and from the words Im saying, she doesn't feel I love her very much or actually want this relationship back. She also said she is trying with me and doesn't feel like Im trying much at all.

How can she judge how much Im trying with her? She after all ended things with me.

One thing she did say which I don't know how to take is that when she ended the relationship she did so because she felt pressured from me.

On that night she told me she needed some time to think about things and by this point I was a little annoyed because she'd used that phrase many times but not actually asked for a break or anything. I pushed her and said make your mind up. She again said she didn't know what do to. I raised my voice and said look you either want me or you don't, it's that simple. She said, you obviously have other options or you wouldn't be pushing for a decision from me this second so fine, we're over, now Im not in the way to stop you from addressing your other options.

I explained on the phone I pushed for a decision not because I had other options but because I became impatient and needed to know if she either wanted to be with me or not. She believes I was wrong to do this.

Do you guys think I was wrong? Did my impatience get the better of me again?

She's either in or out.

Not sure how you can work things out apart.

Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. But likes using the excuse that you have other "options". Lame.

Like she said. "Were over"

Shes either in or out.

Not sure how you can work things out apart.

Sounds like she doesnt know what she wants. But likes using the excuse that you have other "options". Lame.

Like she said. "Were over"

Ah, well I'm following the guys advice from here. They said only talk on the phone until the problems are addressed and I see a change.

Even now she keeps asking if I have options and says she's worried. Surely if I had options I'd be off with them not talking on the phone to her!

She seems to blame me for demanding an answer from her on the night we broke up. My patience has been talked about in the previous post a few times. We me raising my voice and demanding a yes or a no answer the reason she said we're over. She believes it is and will not accept blame for it. She wants me to take the blame for that one. She believes she was pushed into the decision by me. Should I have pushed like that at the time or stepped back and given her some time?

Exactly.

You certainly deserve an honest answer. And you got it.

I personally wouldn't even talk on the phone. If she decides she wants to try again, she will let you know. But don't wait around & be her pal while she's figuring it out.

Just a little update.

We've talked some more on the phone. I addressed two important issues, one being her not making me a priority anymore like she used to. The other was an issue of sex. We went from having sex about 3 times a week to about once every 2 or so weeks.

I think sex 3 times a week is a bit much. Once you pass the honey moon stage once a week is more like it beside you are not living together.




In her responses she talked about me not being able to come first all the time and how that isnt how a relationship works. (which I dont agree with)

In relation to the sex problem so owned up to this and said once she started getting stressed with her work the last thing she felt like doing was having sex. She apologised for the argument we go into where by after about 4 months of very little sex I asked about it and she blew up and claimed all I was after was sex...

She doesn't want to be satisfied or something? Sound like she just want to have sex just for the sake of it "let get over with this".Maybe she's not into sex as much as you. Or got bored of you.

You got to decide if you can put up with these:

1. She is busy with work, stress out and doesn't have time for you.
2. She may not have sex often because she is stressed out, not into sex that much or what ever the reason is.


Why does she still sound like you guys are together but she dumped you. You didn't sound too confident. You should have point out the fact that she dumped you that's why you didn't phone.

I am afraid that the only reason she phoned you is because she thought that you have moved on first. What she's saying is you can't move on before me lol.

The fact the she phoned you the ball is in your court. It sounded like you didn't solve any problem, just make thing worse. It shows that she still in control. You should have show more confident. You should have said, listen, "you either make time for me or the relationship will not work out, the sex can be negotiated a little but still more of what you want not what she told you. If she doesn't agree you simply walk away that's how you show confident.

"she thought that you have moved on first. What she's saying is you can't move on before me lol."

Very true. Lots of head games here.

She said she doesnt wanna be hurt so if I am to let her know and she'll be on her way.

She'll not be on her way, she'll want you more but it's manipulation. Won't last if you get her back this way.



She also said a few things on the phone which I thought were quite odd. She claimed that because I hadnt been contacting her very much and from the words Im saying, she doesnt feel I love her very much or actually want this relationship back. She also said she is trying with me and doesnt feel like Im trying much at all.

What she is saying is, since you didn't contact mel I missed you so much and thought that you are gone for good. I can't handle it. I don't want to lose you.

She dumped you and blame you because you pushed her, that's a total lie. She probably thought about this a long time and that was the last straw that broke the camel's back.

Totally.

She couldn't handle NC from you.

All, bad reasons here.

One doesn't need to push to find out if their partner is invested.

They either are or not.

I guess it back to NC. For good.

Totally.

She couldnt handle NC from you.

All, bad reasons here.

One doesnt need to push to find out if their partner is invested.

They either are or not.

I guess it back to NC. For good.



Be strong!:)

Doesn't sound like she's ready to take responsibility in a relationship. Or her actions. No real priorities or how to mange them. No real evidence that she wants to change, and is truly invested.

Depressed, snapping, blame, flip-flopping, playing games. Making you feel like crap, basically.

Is that the kind of person you want?

Like you said originally "I was sick of this"

Just thought that would help in going back to NC...

Doesnt sound like shes ready to take responsibility in a relationship. Or her actions. No real priorities or how to mange them. No real evidence that she wants to change, and is truly invested.

Depressed, snapping, blame, flip-flopping, playing games. making you feel like crap, basically.

Is that the kind of person you want?

Like you said originally "I was sick of this"

Just thought that would help in going back to NC....


Don't be pulled back into her games. She is a user!

Yup.

Classic user. Just like my ex, hehehe..

Ya know, boi..

Here's the thing.

You were sick of they way things were. And went NC for 5 weeks or more.

Then she pulled you back in, begging (which was more BS). And you fell for it.

Now you got another taste of what its like dealing with her.

I got texts, emails, voicemails from my ex.

Every one was about relieving her guilt. Not about me.
She even to get to my friends, and got her friends to try.

So, glad that I never responded to any of them. I went NC after 4-5 days of being dumped. Never stopped.

You used your gut before. You were right.

One thing you found out was she has powers to flip you into a defensive position, and you are a lousy listener, who when pressed become impatient.

Geez all you had to do was listen, and you would have known what you should have known in the first place, she only called you to make sure you had not found something more interesting to do, since you never called her. And had you paid attention, she doesn't handle stress well, and she will shift the cause of it from her inability, to YOU.

That you are impatient is stressful for her, as she expects you to fall in line and give her comfort. Work on that impatience, it distracts you from things you should be paying attention too.

The good part is at least over the phone you have not had to take the full force of her charms and can at least hold onto your dignity and self respect, but guy, you're a real sucker for her mental games.

As to your issues with her, lack of sex is only a symptom of a greater problem in another area of the relationship, and it may be in a few areas, not just one.


In her responses she talked about me not being able to come first all the time and how that isn't how a relationship works. (which I don't agree with)
Actually there is a lot of truth in this, as a balanced life, where partners are free to spend time away from each other, and enjoying good clean adult fun is essential for long term happiness.

Okay you have had a chance at talking about what bugs you, and have more info than you had, so there are more problems that remain, and I doubt she calls you soon, considering the guilt trip she laid on you. But the main thing you do know and can take as fact from this whole exercise, is your impatiences makes you press, when she wants time to consider. That's a biggie in your interaction, and something you will learn. Whether with her, or another.

Is there hope? Not without a lot more work, and not sure if either of you is that willing to talk and listen, or give and take. What talking over the phone did do was keep the physical out of the equation, and make the judgment tainted.

You need 3 days to see what you feel, figure what has happened, and what you do about it. A test of your patience. Will she call? Who knows. Decide what you want, Now!

One thing you found out was she has powers to flip you into a defensive position, and you are a lousy listener, who when pressed become impatient.

Geez all you had to do was listen, and you would have known what you should have known in the first place, she only called you to make sure you had not found something more interesting to do, since you never called her. And had you paid attention, she doesn't handle stress well, and she will shift the cause of it from her inability, to YOU.

That you are impatient is stressful for her, as she expects you to fall in line and give her comfort. Work on that impatience, it distracts you from things you should be paying attention too.

The good part is at least over the phone you have not had to take the full force of her charms and can at least hold onto your dignity and self respect, but guy, your a real sucker for her mental games.

As to your issues with her, lack of sex is only a symptom of a greater problem in another area of the relationship, and it may be in a few areas, not just one.


Actually there is a lot of truth in this, as a balanced life, where partners are free to spend time away from each other, and enjoying good clean adult fun is essential for long term happiness.

Okay you have had a chance at talking about what bugs you, and have more info than you had, so there are more problems that remain, and I doubt she calls you soon, considering the guilt trip she laid on you. But the main thing you do know and can take as fact from this whole exercise, is your impatiences makes you press, when she wants time to consider. Thats a biggie in your interaction, and something you will learn. Whether with her, or another.

Is there hope? Not without a lot more work, and not sure if either of you is that willing to talk and listen, or give and take. What talking over the phone did do was keep the physical out of the equation, and make the judgment tainted.

You need 3 days to see what you feel, figure what has happened, and what you do about it. A test of your patience. Will she call? Who knows. Decide what you want, Now!

I don't know what else I can add. I do hope you stick to your

No Contact. There are good and bad days you will go through,

But you will love again and laugh again. Just give yourself time

To get over this one.:)

I agree with lots of that but,

I don't know. How much time does she need? 5 weeks or before?

Maybe. Patience was always an issue I guess.

But be patient when it comes to how you live & communicate. But don't wait around for her in order to make your daily decisions.

I think that's a decision he makes on his own now, since he see for himself that little has changed in 5 weeks, and that he is still hurting from being dumped, as well he should be.

Totally.

Emopunk7 here! Coming to you live from New York.
So, she broke up with you. You did NC and she begged. Good job so far.
Now she calls and because your mom will be away and I'm guessing you will feel lonely and want someone around to have fun with, you answer her call and want to have a quick fix with her so you can enjoy the two weeks. This situation made you seem desperate.

I thought she maybe had plans since she wanted to wait for the following weekend but you claim she didn't simply because she answered when you called. She could have done what she had to do by then. Either way, she was home in pj's and wasn't busy when you called. She is also willing to wait another week to go by and not see you. The fact that she isn't busy and didn't go out is even more perplexed and mind-boggling because she would still rather just wander at home and not see you. Can you imagine if she did have plans? This just goes to show how far gone you are.

Also, she seems to give orders after begging. She states that you either see her when she wants or nothing. Then she blames it on you for rushing and jolting. Does manipulation come to mind. Listen, I dated a girl just like the one you are dealing with. The truth is she just isn't that into you and that's why the two of you will always have problems. Even in this situation where it would seem you would have most control, she still does and it shows that you want her more than she does you. Isn't that ridiculous? I know that you see this too but you still try. Enough is enough. This is proof enough to show that if it doesn't work once, it just doesn't work. Don't ignore the signs and go through more heartache. There is so much more to enjoy.

I hope you understand what I am saying. It just doesn't add up. My final advice to you will be as follows: Ring her and tell her that it is game over. Tell her you care about her a lot but it is evident to you that you like her more than she likes you. Tell her you notice that she likes to take control too much and doesn't give you space to be a man. (Ex: She dumps you (She took control), She begs for you back (She needs something to control), She gets you to agree and tells you when to meet (She gets something to control and begins the process ASAP)). Tell her this must come to an end. Tell her while you know you may be impatient, let her know that may be because you feel she has all the control and that maybe she should work on that if she ever wants a chance in a good and healthy relationship.

I think we all know (including yourself) that this is not the girl you are meant to be with. It wouldn't be this confusing. Good luck and go find the girl waiting for you. Everyday away from this one, is a step closer to the right one!

"Everyday away from this one, is a step closer to the right one!"

Yup. You already had a taste of how great that was.

Here's something that really helped me when I was recoiling.

From Byron Katie (thanks, Tao for turning me on, Where you been?)

Her 4 questions:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3. How do you react when you believe this thought?
4. Who would you be without this thought?
Turn the thought around.

I refer to that whenever Im tripping.

There's one detail you guys got wrong, I phoned her as per you guys previous advice. She never called me. She said on the phone she was waiting for my call and wondered why I hadn't called earlier. Ive phoned her twice now and she made it clear she wants me back.

She just called me up about 30 minutes ago and asked if she could come over and see me. I said I didn't know just yet.

I understand my impatience was a huge problem for her and for me. Upon every situation or argument I always wanted an answer there and then and sometimes she wasn't able to provide one but I would push anyway. She said this got to her a lot because she felt I wasn't allowing her time to breathe in any given situation.

As far as the sex thing, once a week is fine. Just not once every 3 weeks. She actually said that she's never had a huge interest in sex. I asked why she was interested more in the beginning and she said people will always have more interest during the honeymoon period. So Im also going to have to be a lot more accepting towards what she says.

The two problems I struggle with the most are acceptance and patience. Both of which I really need to work on.

She still however should not have dumped me just because things got tough. And I am still torn on the priority thing. I feel like I need to be her first priority but feel perhaps Im in the wrong frame for thinking this.

As for her claiming I've met somebody, Im not sure what that was about. She asked me to tell her if Id met somebody and if I had, she wouldn't waste her efforts on me anymore. I also see that when she wouldn't meet me the other weekend even though she for certain was doing absolutely nothing at home, this proved she wasn't all that interested in fixing things.

Her actions have changed now and she seems more interested in fixing this mess but is it genuine or is it like some of you guys have said, she only wants it back because she feels lost without it...

EDIT:

Also to add, Ive been absolutely fine. I have been out all weekend with my friends to eat and actually went to a gig. I haven't been lonely at all with my mum away. I also haven't actually thought about her that much. Like I said it appears she had been waiting for my call and then questioned why I hadn't bothered with her much.

Anymore help guys?

I had a real good think last night about what Tal said and perhaps my impatience was a big cause of the split.

If Im honest, it came up a lot during the later part of the relationship. My need for answers and explanations right there and then.

Im willing to put a lot of work into this issue. Not for her, but for myself.

At this stage I would have expected you to have figured out what you want by now.

The whole point was about you making a decision without her influence. Most guys are influenced by the physical parts of a female. But are you seeing things just by talking? I think so, but eventually you will have to be strong enough on your own to face things head on, and deal with the outcome.

At this stage I would have expected you to have figured out what you want by now.

The whole point was about you making a decision without her influence. Most guys are influenced by the physical parts of a female. But are you seeing things just by talking? I think so, but eventually you will have to be strong enough on your own to face things head on, and deal with the outcome.

Yeah I see what you mean, that's why I haven't agreed to see her yet. Im going to have to see her eventually.

Im still not 100% sure just yet but I think I may give it another go. Perhaps after another conversation on the phone. And even though Im waiting for her to accept a little more of the blame than she has right now. Im more looking to finding out a few answers from her about me. My mum has told me for many years that Im impatient. The funny thing is, I don't actually realise Im doing it at the time!

Im sure over the next couple of days I'll make a definite yes or no decision.

Theres one detail you guys got wrong, I phoned her as per you guys previous advice. She never called me. She said on the phone she was waitin for my call and wondered why I hadnt called earlier. Ive phoned her twice now and she made it clear she wants me back.

Of course she want you back since you're both desperate lol. You haven't learn a thing. Oh well. So now you are back together, try not to be so impatience like call her twice instead of waiting for her to call you again. Of course she will call you again but you was impatience.

Anyway, it's hard to give you advice now since there's no blood left in your brain. I hope things work out for you. It's not easy to do the right thing but at least if you learn something out of this we are doing our job.

Of course she want you back since you're both desperate lol. You haven't learn a thing. Oh well. So now you are back together, try not to be so impatience like call her twice instead of waiting for her to call you again. Of course she will call you again but you was impatience.

Anyways, it's hard to give you advice now since there's no blood left in your brain. I hope things work out for you. It's not easy to do the right thing but at least if you learn something out of this we are doing our job.

Sorry this is really confusing,

We're not back together yet. My impatience wasn't calling her twice in a row. It was over many things, such as having a conversation about something and her no being able to provide me with an answer there and then. Or for example talking about planning a trip to paris and her not being sure if she could afford it, so I'd keep pushing for an answer. Ive always been the type that I feel I need to know things right away and this is a huge problem for me.

What I've learnt from this is that I should be patient with people. Ive also learnt that without proper communication, things will never work. I've learnt too that I don't like certain things in a relationship.

However Im still not understanding why a person who wants me back was wanting to take it slow and at 'their' pace. The only answer I got for that was because she didn't want to rush back into the relationship and have all those same problems crop up again.

If I decide to, Im not going to jump back into this like everythings great because we had a little chat, because its not. She ended things and whether my behaviour was the deciding factor on that, I can't be sure. But she still ended it and now wants it back. I know this sounds very unfair but a part of me feels like she's not being punished enough for that action. Like she needs to learn that you cannot just drop somebody when things get tough and pick them up after its cooled down.

Im doing absolutely fine by myself over the past weeks. I don't need to get back with her. If I wanted to, I need to make sure these same things don't happen again. For example. If I become impatient again, I could get dumped a second time!

Well, if you feel that way, why are you wasting your time even talking about it? Seems to me your mind is made up. So tell her that.

I hate talking on the phone, so I would have rather delt with this in person.
You don't have to go right back to dating, you can just talk in person you know. To me that's the mature way.
But I definitely wouldn't be letting her set the time this takes . She begging for you back, then she should want to meet your needs.

As soon as she said no to meeting you the weekend coming up, I would have said see you later. I do not think you are being impatient. I just think she doesn't care as much as you, and doesn't care to meet your needs. She is selfish and wants things to revolve around her and you to be her little puppy dog.
I think by her calling you impatient, that is just her way of trying to make you feel like its your fault, so she can have control.
Move on man. You know in your brain it's the right thing to do. I know you know this. Just do it - Nike

Do yourself a favor, and drop the chat/text. Its against the rules, and hard to understand, and will be deleted, as your other post was.