My wife has a new best friend, a gay man should I be concerned? Everyone I talk to about her new friend says he's gay... there relationship has gotten pretty close lately. They text all the time. She works out of town for two weeks at a time and home for the other 2wks. I look at the texting activity online. I can see 2hr text sessions. They work 2gthr. When there not at work they text all the time. They have gone to the movies and go to the gym. He just broke up with his partner after a 3 year relationship. She is 40 and he is 25. We have been married 20 years and have a great relationship, we are very active sexually. She wants sex all the time, I never say no. She earased her text message the last time she came home. We talked about that and she said she didn't want me to worrie about how much texting they. She said she won't delete them anymore and wants me to read them now. Since she got home the texting completely stopped... not one text!! When she returned back to work the txting slowly started up again and is pretty active again. She know I look at it online... She has said to me "I have nothing to worrie about" other people that know him very good say the same. Is this the perfect affair. I have met him and he is good looking, great shape and tan. I just have a gut sick feeling. Can't sleep, can't eat, I'm obsessed. I've cryied for 30-45 min and just drove around in the car. Because I didn't want our kids to see me like that. Do gay guys like to have sex with hot married women. My wife is hot. Could she be falling in love with him? I'm sure she feels safe to talk to him about anything and I'm sure they do. Is this dangerous ground? Should I ask her to end the friendship because I'm uncomforable with it? Or do I just sit back and watch it unfold..

My wife has a new best friend, a gay man should I be concerned? Everyone I talk to about her new friend says he's gay... there relationship has gotten pretty close lately. They text all the time. She works out of town for two weeks at a time and home for the other 2wks. I look at the texting activity online. I can see 2hr text sessions. They work 2gthr. When there not at work they text all the time. They have gone to the movies and go to the gym. He just broke up with his partner after a 3 year relationship. She is 40 and he is 25. We have been married 20 years and have a great relationship, we are very active sexually. She wants sex all the time, I never say no. She earased her text message the last time she came home. We talked about that and she said she didn't want me to worrie about how much texting they. She said she won't delete them anymore and wants me to read them now. Since she got home the texting completely stopped... not one text!! When she returned back to work the txting slowly started up again and is pretty active again. She know I look at it online... She has said to me "I have nothing to worrie about" other people that know him very good say the same. Is this the perfect affair. I have met him and he is good looking, great shape and tan. I just have a gut sick feeling. Can't sleep, can't eat, I'm obsessed. I've cryied for 30-45 min and just drove around in the car. Because I didn't want our kids to see me like that. Do gay guys like to have sex with hot married women. My wife is hot. Could she be falling in love with him? I'm sure she feels safe to talk to him about anything and I'm sure they do. Is this dangerous ground? Should I ask her to end the friendship because I'm uncomforable with it? Or do I just sit back and watch it unfold..

Having a gay guy for a friend is a lot like having a girl friend. If he's gay, then they're not having an affair.

That doesn't mean they don't end up talking about sex. Gay guys, like many girls, are very open, and often graphic, about sex.

They may also flirt. It's harmless. Both parties know nothing will come of it. It's just fun to flirt and trade compliments with someone without having to worry that they'll think you want to jump in bed with them.

It sounds like she's been lucky enough to find a good friend. Your open jealousy is probably just making her upset.

Do you trust your wife?

You want to know if gay guys like to have sex with hot married women. Well, do straight guys like to have sex with hot, married, gay men? Being gay means he's not interested in women as sexual partners. Not only that, but the fact that he was in a relationship for 3 years says that he probably has more dignity and respect than to have an affair.

Stop worrying yourself sick. You wouldn't be this worried if her new friend was a woman.

Some gay men may be bi sexual. And the gay thing may just be a stoy,
Forget about gay or not, married women do not text with anyone other than their husband for hours at a time

Yes, I trust her... it just seemed she was hiding it. When she deleted their text msg's it seemed stranged. Wouldn't she want me to read them to put my mind at ease? Instead she must have thought there might be a chance I would read them so she deleted them. And then all communication stopped when she got home. I asked her if she told him to stop and she said no. I asked if they talked about not txting when she home and she said nope. If he is bi-sexual then that's a dif story.

A gay male is no threat to you! He likes men. :confused:

She is my best friend, we are together 24/7 when she's home and every thing is great... everything.. what about if she sugested getting a sex toy for me... that she can use on me? Could that just mean she's curious if I would enjoy the same as a gay man? I am even thinking of going to a gay bar just to talk to gay people. Any thoughts on that?

Yes, I trust her... it just seemed she was hiding it. when she deleted their text msg's it seemed stranged. wouldn't she want me to read them to put my mind at ease? instead she must have thought there might be a chance I would read them so she deleted them. and then all communication stoped when she got home. I asked her if she told him to stop and she said no. I asked if they talked about not txting when she home and she said nope. If he is bi-sexual then thats a dif story.

I assume you have people other than her you talk to. It doesn't matter if it's in person, or over email, or texting. I'm sure she is not the only human being you ever talk to.

If I'm right, then I'm sure there are things you talk about with them that you don't talk about with her. Not because you're hiding something, but because she has no reason to know.

Well, being married to her does NOT mean you have the right to know every detail of every conversation she has with someone else, woman OR man. She has the right to have private conversations with a friend without letting you read what was said. The mere fact that you EXPECT that, is a HUGE invasion of privacy.

It's very possible that he just didn't see a reason to text while she was home. Maybe he had other things to do. Maybe he figured their friendship wasn't to the point where he felt comfortable texting her at home. Maybe a million different reasons that don't matter.

Now. STOP trying to find reasons she may be having sex with this man. You say you trust her, yet you seem CONVINCED she's having an affair.


She is my best friend, we are together 24/7 when she's home and every thing is great... everything.. what about if she sugested getting a sex toy for me... that she can use on me?? could that just mean she's curious if i would enjoy the same as a gay man?? I am even thinking of going to a gay bar just to talk to gay people. any thoughts on that?

You sound SERIOUSLY codependent. You need to make other friends. Find people to spend time with while she's away.

As far the sex toy; it has NOTHING to do with wanting to use a toy on a gay man. Maybe she just wants to add some spice to your sex life. I have a feeling you're not one to experiment.

You're DRASTICALLY over-thinking this, to the point of unhealthy obsession. You've got an idea in your head and you're INSISTING on finding a way to prove it true, ignoring all logic and reason. You're probably driving her CRAZY with this.

Chances are 99.99% that she is NOT having an affair with a gay man. Being gay means he isn't interested in sex of ANY kind, even with toys, involving women.

Give up on this. Go find another bone to chew on, or beat another dead horse.

Hi, detective64!

Due to the nature of the work that I've done most of my life, most of my closest friends are married women. There have been times that the husbands have been unreasonably and irrationally insecure about the friendly relationship that I was having with their spouses.

When I knew that the husbands were having doubts, those are times when I backed off spending time with the women. In all of the relationships with the women though, I always made sure that I spent some time with them as a couple. I guess you could say I was a "friend of the family", so to speak.

My suggestion would be to see if this guy will spend some time with you and your spouse. Doing that could give you a greater picture as to how he is and what he's about.

Thanks!

Friends are friends no matter what! This guy seems to be important to your wife as a friend.
Would she say anything if you started being friends with a gay woman?

The work schedule is only six months old. Before that she hasn't worked for the last 20 yrs. We do everything together and I only have business friends. I don't want to envolve our personal friends. We did get the toy and it was very dif however a pleasurable experience.

Thank you... you are right, I am overthinking it and never thought of the privacy thing like that. WOW!! That sick feeling is gone for the 1st time in a long time... any other thoughts? If she offers to let me read her txt's, would it be wise to not read them?

Kitkat22, good ? Would it be normal and understandabnle for her to be concerned, especially if this new friend and I became very close.

Anyway I sure I'm overthinking it. It would be easier to deal with if her new best friend was a female. Any thoughts on the reading her txt's?

Not reading them, even if she offers, would go a LONG way toward showing that you trust her. She'll also be more likely to share things on her own if she doesn't feel pressured or guilted into it.

You should also stop checking the text history online. If you guys have unlimited texting, which I'm guessing you do, then it doesn't really matter how often, long, or many times she texts anyone.

Now, for yourself, you need a guys' night out. When your wife's away at work, arrange a night out with your friends, or go somewhere on your own. Once you have friends you talk to outside of work, you won't be worrying about her work friend as much.

Clough, my wife offered to arrange some time and he is seeming to avoid the date.

kitkat22, good ? would it be normal and understandabnle for her to be concerned, especially if this new friend and I became very close.

anyway I sure I'm overthinking it. It would be easier to deal with if her new best friend was a female. any thoughts on the reading her txt's ??

Hey Detective your human, you love your wife and from the sound of it you all have a great marriage! You stop that worrying and ask her if you can read the text. You seem like a nice man and I'll bet your wife wouldn't change a thing about you. STOP WORRYING:D

If your friend were a gay woman, I don't think you wife would mind. Gay people are
Are not looking for a sexual relationship with the opposite sex. I don't think you have anything to worry about. If my husband had a gay woman as a friend I don't think it would bother me. I would hope I would be understanding. Now if the texts are really bothering you , read them. I would bet you there's nothing to worry about.

hheath541, I think so also... what if she insist?

Clough, my wife offered to arrange some time and he is seeming to avoid the date.

He probably doesn't think he would have anything to talk to you about. Or maybe he knows you suspect an affair and doesn't want to spend an evening hanging out with a jealous husband. Or maybe he's one of those gay men who don't really like spending time with straight men.

hheath541, are you gay, because you are right on.

hheath541, I think so also... what if she insist?

Then you tell her you trust her, you just had a moment of self-doubt. You're over it now and know she would never cheat on you.


hheath541, are you gay, because you are right on.

Yes, but not a gay man. I've known several, though.

Thanks, I will be back latter.

thx, i will be back latter.

Tell me about the text when you come back!

Kitkat22, I haven't read any of their text msg's. She said she is saving them so I can read them.

Kitkat22, I havn't read any of their text msg's. She said she is saving them so I can read them.

See, you are worrying over nothing.

KitKat22, I have never posted stuff before. Am I doing this right?

KitKat22, I have never posted stuff before. Am I doing this right?



You're doing great!

I think the battle is in your mind, and have nothing to worry about. I think you just need time to adjust to your wife having a job, and is no longer safely at home where you didn't have to worry.

Amazing how insecurity, fear, and yes jealousy can make us CUCKOO, BUT YOUR SANITY WIL RETURN. Tell your wife that, she needs to know, and she sounds like a fantastic caring person.

Friend or not, female or male that is far too much texting. You are not comfortable with their "Friendship" and your wife should respect that. He is far too young to be hanging out with a 40 yr old casually too. Just an opinion. I am with someone that is nearly that much older than I and it isn't just some friendly relationship let me tell you. I went older for experience and maturity... She went younger for energy and stamina (among several other reasons of course.) I would feel the same way as you do. And the reason I would feel this way is because I have acted gay to get under the other guy's nose and at the gf's request. (I can pull the voice and manerisms off perfectly cause I have plenty of gay friends.)
I suggest telling her that she needs to respect your feelings and end the friendship. Also if she really fights hard against it you pretty much know for sure that he is either really that good of a friend or he is a lover. Sorry

I agree with the above... its just not normal that anyone spends that much time texting or talking with coworkers outside the office.

Much less a married woman and an unmarried man (gay or not).

Yeah it is possible nothings going on... but it is possible something is just as well. Her actions on the texting and deleting them raises suspicions to me. I doubt she totally stopped cold turkey.

Hard to really know for sure without knowing her or him and looking at their body language.

Why did you start a second thread saying the same thing as the first? Were you hoping to get different answers?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/wife-has-new-best-friend-gay-man-should-concerned-457995.html

Friend or not, female or male that is far too much texting. You are not comfortable with their "Friendship" and your wife should respect that. He is far too young to be hanging out with a 40 yr old casually too. just an opinion. I am with someone that is nearly that much older than I and it isn't just some friendly relationship let me tell you. I went older for expierence and maturity... She went younger for energy and stamina (among several other reasons of course.) I would feel the same way as you do. And the reason I would feel this way is because I have acted gay to get under the other guy's nose and at the gf's request. (I can pull the voice and manerisms off perfectly cause I have plenty of gay friends.)
I suggest telling her that she needs to respect your feelings and end the friendship. Also if she really fights hard against it you pretty much know for sure that he is either really that good of a friend or he is a lover. Sorry

I have to address this.

I have friends that are in their 20's, I'm almost 40, and yes, they are just friends and they are male. Just because you can't have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex without it turning sexual, doesn't mean others can't.

You've acted gay in order to get into someone's pants? OMG! Who does that? Have you ever heard about honesty in a relationship? How can someone ever trust you if you pretend to be gay in order to get closer to them? That's just ridiculous and very unsettling.

As for the OP telling his wife to respect his feeling and end the relationship, maybe he should try something that all good marriages do, it's called communication. Demanding that someone do something just because you don't like it, that's a sure way to end up on a rocky relationship road. By all means he should tell her how he feels, calmly, rationally, but he shouldn't demand.

Also, if she does "fight hard" to keep her friendship, that doesn't mean that they're lovers. Unlike you, most people don't pretend to be gay to get closer to someone. I'm sure he really is gay and really is just a friend. I wouldn't be that quick to dump a friend just because my husband is jealous and insecure.

To the OP, talk to her about it. Talk, not demand, not accuse, just talk, tell her how you feel, calmly and rationally. That's what makes a real relationship work.

Kitkat what exactly is TMF?

kitkat what exactly is TMF?

I meant to say TMI! Too Much Imformation! Telling someone you pretend to be gay to pick up woman is shameful! You can give me a reddie. You were wrong! There are gay people who do have feelings and although I may not agree with the lifestyle neither do I agree with living together without the benefit of marriage. I'm no saint God knows every flaw I have and there are many. Sin is sin, whether it be adultery, fornication,lying,stealing and God loves all of us the same. Think of all the hate crimes against gay people. That's how I feel. I really don't care whether you agree or not.

I never told them to pretend to be, I never said I pretended to be gay to pick up women. I pretended to be gay to get past the ex of hers. It is better than getting your butt beat. Of course then again the better choice would have of course been to not be in the position at all but if the need arises I know that I can do it. I'm not going to give you a red simply because you took offense to my post. There is no purpose in that. If I think you cross the line is the only time I will give out reds and you have merely stated your own opinion. I have no problem with hearing your point of view at all. And as an fyi I do not believe that this man in question is actually gay at all. I would say it's a passod. Sure stranger things have happened but on the other hand think about the age difference. He is much much too young to be friends with this person. I am sorry but it doesn't normally happen. What's more likely is that she wants a younger lover but doesn't want to leave her man.
I know it is low down, dirty, and purely shameful, but when you are getting something great for something slightly humilaiting its kind of worth it. Sorry to say, some men are just in certain relationships for the perks. That particular relationship perk never happened for me but the thought of it is what drove me to act all shady. Plus I was immature back then too so... yeah anyway. Sorry you didn't like what I had to say, and I didn't mean to offend you. Hope you have a good day and keep dishin out that good advice.

I never told them to pretend to be, I never said I pretended to be gay to pick up women. I pretended to be gay to get past the ex of hers. It is better than getting your butt beat. Of course then again the better choice would have of course been to not be in the position at all but if the need arises I know that I can do it. I'm not going to give you a red simply because you took offense to my post. There is no purpose in that. If I think you cross the line is the only time I will give out reds and you have mearly stated your own opinion. I have no problem with hearing your point of view at all. And as an fyi I do not believe that this man in question is actually gay at all. I would say its a passod. Sure stranger things have happened but on the other hand think about the age difference. He is much much too young to be friends with this person. I am sorry but it doesn't normally happen. Whats more likely is that she wants a younger lover but doesn't want to leave her man.
I know it is low down, dirty, and purely shameful, but when you are getting something great for something slightly humilaiting its kinda worth it. sorry to say, some men are just in certain relationships for the perks. That particular relationship perk never happened for me but the thought of it is what drove me to act all shady. Plus I was immature back then too so... yeah anyways. Sorry you didn't like what I had to say, and I didn't mean to offend you. Hope you have a good day and keep dishin out that good advice.

Thanks, Larkin... Have a good day.

I never told them to pretend to be, I never said I pretended to be gay to pick up women. I pretended to be gay to get past the ex of hers. It is better than getting your butt beat. Of course then again the better choice would have of course been to not be in the position at all but if the need arises I know that I can do it. I'm not going to give you a red simply because you took offense to my post. There is no purpose in that. If I think you cross the line is the only time I will give out reds and you have mearly stated your own opinion. I have no problem with hearing your point of view at all. And as an fyi I do not believe that this man in question is actually gay at all. I would say its a passod. Sure stranger things have happened but on the other hand think about the age difference. He is much much too young to be friends with this person. I am sorry but it doesn't normally happen. Whats more likely is that she wants a younger lover but doesn't want to leave her man.
I know it is low down, dirty, and purely shameful, but when you are getting something great for something slightly humilaiting its kinda worth it. sorry to say, some men are just in certain relationships for the perks. That particular relationship perk never happened for me but the thought of it is what drove me to act all shady. Plus I was immature back then too so... yeah anyways. Sorry you didn't like what I had to say, and I didn't mean to offend you. Hope you have a good day and keep dishin out that good advice.

You are either missing, or ignoring, the part where he said this guy was in a long-term relationship with another man, and that people who have KNOWN this guy for awhile all say he's gay.

If he's faking it for this woman, then he's been laying the foundation for the lie a LOT longer than he's known her. Not only that, but he's perpetrating the lie for ALL his coworkers, and has been for YEARS.

The age gap means nothing. I've been friends with people much older than me, without it ever turning into anything sexual. I've also been friends with kids a lot younger than me without being a pedophile.

Gay men, in particular, often have female friends that are much older than them. The process of coming out, and living as an out gay man, makes them more mature than the average straight man. They have faced life experiences that most heterosexual people cannot even imagine. They are also a lot more understanding and candid.

I just want to point out that he is just out of a relationship and when out of town your wife is probably lonely. He is filling the friend spot for her and she is filling the friend spot for him. They are companions in the true sense of the word. He needs someone to help him heal and move on. Who better than an older woman who needs/wants/desires nothing more from him than friendship? They are 'safe' for each other.

When I have helped friends through break ups, I know they have said something's that they would term 'secret' and would want those things held 'in trust'. It may be the same way for your wife and her friend. Since that time she could have discussed sharing their conversations with you and he gave his permission or the latest ones haven't haven't had extremely personal information.

He may feel that texting her at home is intruding on your time with her. He may not feel comfortable yet coming for dinner and being a 'third-wheel'. For some people seeing a happy couple makes the pain of a break-up even worse.

As for ages and friends, I am very glad to have friends whose ages span many decades and a multitude of experiences. Having those friends helps me see the world and life from more than just my limited perspective.

I just want to point out that he is just out of a relationship and when out of town your wife is probably lonely. He is filling the friend spot for her and she is filling the friend spot for him. They are companions in the true sense of the word. He needs someone to help him heal and move on. Who better than an older woman who needs/wants/desires nothing more from him than friendship? They are 'safe' for each other.

When I have helped friends through break ups, I know they have said somethings that they would term 'secret' and would want those things held 'in trust'. It may be the same way for your wife and her friend. Since that time she could have discussed sharing their conversations with you and he gave his permission or the latest ones haven't haven't had extremely personal information.

He may feel that texting her at home is intruding on your time with her. He may not feel comfortable yet coming for dinner and being a 'third-wheel'. For some people seeing a happy couple makes the pain of a break-up even worse.

As for ages and friends, I am very glad to have friends whose ages span many decades and a multitude of experiences. Having those friends helps me see the world and life from more than just my limited perspective.

I also think anytime anyone's pretends to gay to "score" with a woman, that is just not acceptable. This woman has a gay friend. There is no secret plan to swoop her up and carry her away from her husband! :)

then you tell her you trust her, you just had a moment of self-doubt. you're over it now and know she would never cheat on you.



yes, but not a gay man. i've known several, though.

Hello, I'm back... I thought I would post an update. I have a lot to say. So I will try to make it short. If anyone has any ?'s I would be happy to reply.

I took some of your advice and told her I had a moment of self-doubt... I did read the text msg's and it was all fun stuff. Once I got over the fact and accepted that she was having a great time txting and having fun with her new friend it really relieved the stress for me. Now she tries to include me in some on their txting. I still have a little suspition but all I can do is trust her and mainly trust God that everything is good. I want to be included as much as posible so I don't make it a big deal and get what ever she is willing to let me in on. I do realize I don't own her and she is intitled to have friends and canversations that are private. Just as I would have converstion with some of my buddies that I would'nt want public. (thanks to the posts) I am either an ediot or the best husband anyone could hope for. I'm go'n with the best husband award! Ha ha. Anyway... she is back to work and they go to the gym, hang out, and text all the time. I have talked to him briefly just to say hi. We all seem to have an open relationship. I really don't want to make things difficult, but I also don't want to be blind! I actually like this guy... but there is a part of me that feels "I will break his neck if he is taking advantage of my trust" her to.. so far so good. Wow that's the short version... I'm open to questions...

I'm glad things have gotten better and you were able to get over most of the jealousy.

Some jealousy is normal. It's OK to be a little jealous that she has someone in her life who's sharing her attention, as long as you realize that they're just friends.

The protectiveness is normal, too. You love your wife and don't want to see her hurt. Until you know him better, or they've been friends for longer, it's OK to feel protective of her feelings. Just keep that in the background and don't let it consume you, and you'll be fine.

Thank you for the update.

It sounds like things are going well for you. I am glad that you are, at least slightly, getting to know him. He sounds like a good friend for your wife and nothing more.

As Heath said, the feelings are natural. I am sure she would feel the same if you started texting and spending a lot of time with one of your friends. Just keep the lines of communication open and be aware of the boundaries that you both set and everything should be fine.

some gay men may be bi sexual. And the gay thing may just be a stoy,
Forget about gay or not, married women do not text with anyone other than thier husband for hours at a time

Ahem.

This is not true. I text all SORTS of people--male, female, co-workers, friends, family--for hours at a time. Especially if it's someone I like who is having problems--like coping with just getting out of a 3 year relationship.

To the OP--If you don't want your wife to continue this friendship because you are uncomfortable, then please expect her to be able to tell you who YOU can be friends with, as well. She's not an extension of you--she can have her own friends.

It sounds to me like she's doing everything she can--like letting you read the texts and making sure you met this man--to reassure you.

Do you have any other insecurity issues with your marriage? Why do you not trust your wife?

Okay... I'm an idiot. Didn't watch dates, didn't read the whole thread.

To the OP--glad everything is better, and glad that you've talked about it with your wife.

I'm so happy things are going better for you

One of my best friends is a guy, and he is not even a gay, and we text/call each other pretty often, sometimes daily. He lives in a different city, so we very rarely see each other in person. I am totally unattracted to him and would never even think of having more then a platonic friendship with him - you don't make friends with people you have a physical attraction to.

If that guy is really a gay, than you have nothing to worry about. They are not attracted to women, that's just how their brains are wired.

Gay guys do not go after women, married or single. Give your wife a break. Don't panic.

Mate there is no such thing as gay did you know recent surveys suggest over 90% of people after coming out of the closet still encounter sexual relationships with the opposite sex.

Look your wife might be faithful and all that, but bottom line is he's gay is becoming the new thing to decieve a partner.

You should hire a private detective. There is no shame in this, if you were cheating expect same treatment, and if she is a cheat you leave her pal, who cares how hot she is - 6.5 billion people on this planet, over half of which are woman. If she does not appreciate you and feels the need to with confused men then sack it off.

Get the detective mate, what's all this invasion of privacy nonsense, your married to the woman, you took vows, what's your is hers, and what's hers is yours, she shouldn't make you physically ill and feel so depressed and hurt, that isn't love.

Talk to her tell her gently that you are struggling to accept this relationship, at least tell her to tone it down, what kind of example is she setting on kids, its cool to speak to men if they are gay for hours on end when your other half is in the room next door FREEKING out - that's bull pal. Be strong, detective is way forward. The TRUTH will set you free...

Mate there is no such thing as gay did you know recent surveys suggest over 90% of people after coming out of the closet still encounter sexual relationships with the opposite sex.


Please cite your source for this comment.

Really? "No such thing as gay"?

Sources, please.

I'd love to see these studies, and love to know if they're done by a reputable scientific source.

Otherwise--you're blowing smoke because YOU don't believe that being gay is something you ARE, not something you DO.

I have doubts the research even exists. It sounds completely made up, to me.

I think most are wrong.. A lot of Gay or Lesbians are Bi-sexual. They could have or might have some sort of sexual encounter. I really think if you're married its wrong and weird to have opposite sex friends. Of course there are Gay men who are totally just gay and in that case no big deal. Hang out with the two of them more often and watch their body language and you will know if they think you're not watching.