Let me explain. My girlfriend had her 21st birthday party this last weekend. Let me start from the beginning

Her friends from high school and I used to be friends. I'd hang out with them when I was with my girlfriend and we used to be cool. For the first 3 months or so of our relationship I felt like we were doing everything we could to please her one friend (friend A). I realized this and was not happy with being in a relationship to make friend A happy so I stopped trying to please friend A and focused on pleasing my girlfriend. Then my girlfriend stopped hanging out with them on a daily basis to be with me more. As far as I know this is the normal progression of life and relationships. However her friends did not think this was the case. Friend A wrote a letter to my girlfriend basically swearing at her telling her they can no longer be friends. When this happened my girlfriend stayed away from that group for a while and continued to see me. She also has one other friend from high school whom my girlfriend considers her BEST friend. When this whole situation was going on her BEST friend wasn't exactly there for her, but the one time they talked about it her BEST friend said, "I'd never do anything like that to you".

Fast forward about 3 months my girlfriend made up with her friends from high school to once again receive a letter, much to the same accord of the first one. This time however there were no tears shed. My girlfriend basically read it and ignored it. At about this time I started to hang out with my girlfriend's BEST friend (Who by the way has never had a boyfriend or even so much kissed a boy and is 21 years old). I actually enjoyed hanging out with this BEST friend and we even became running partners. As we ran we often discuss things such as my girlfriend's other friends from high school, life, her love interests, everything normal friends talk about. I soon realized from these conversations that my girlfriend's BEST friend is very selfish, very immature and often takes advantage of people in her life including my girlfriend and her parents. I ignored this because she was my girlfriend's BEST friend. We continued running together but she slowly fell out of it until she stopped all together. The BEST friend decided about 2 months later she wanted to give it a try again. The BEST friend however needed me to show her where a certain parking lot was. I showed her the parking lot and on the way back from the run she was complaining about how hard it was and how it was my fault. She ed for a good half a mile before she finally gave up and stopped. I continued to run so I could get some kind of good out of it. This made her angrier.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago at the BEST friend's birthday party. I attended this party and spent most of my time with my girlfriend's sorority sisters notably her sis-mom who I would consider a very good friend of mine who I have 0 romantic feelings for (my girlfriend knows this). All of us were at a bar and we were obviously no longer sober as it was a 21st birthday party. I was talking to sis-mom and because it was loud I had my arm around her shoulders and she was talking very close to my ear (we often have heart to hearts btw). The BEST friend however saw this and decided I was out of line and began blatantly yelling and screaming at me, calling sis-mom flagrant names and overall being a giant . This continued for 45-50 minutes because I was completely ignoring her. Me, my girlfriend and sis-mom went back to my girlfriend's house earlier than everyone else because sis-mom's car was going to be towed. Sis-mom then broke down in tears because of the was the BEST friend acted towards her.


Now onto what happened at my girlfriend's birthday party. The group of high school friends was there along with the BEST friend. These two do not get along together. Seeing as I have a strong disliking to the both groups as they have caused my girlfriend much stress and heartache I ignored both of them the entire night (so not to make a scene). I spent the night with my girlfriend's room mates and my friend who tagged along. We were once again not sober and all was fine until we decided to go to the bar. When we left my girlfriend completely ignored me and decided to go without a jacket. I decided she needed one because it was very cold so I grabbed it out of her room, and ran and caught up to her. I told her to put the jacket on and she told me no. so I yelled "put the jacket on!" and threw it in the snow. I then picked it up and shoved it over her head and told her to stop acting like an idiot, she then started crying as I walked towards my friend. I had a few words with him and he settled me down. I went back and pulled my girlfriend by her waist away from her friends from high school so I could talk to her. I looked into her eyes as she was crying still and reassured her that I love her. She for some reason thought I was going to leave her right then but I reassured her nothing like that was going to happen and that I love her and only her and I'm not going anywhere. I was simply making sure she wouldn't get sick and making sure she wasn't purposely ignoring me because she had not seen me all night.

Well the next day the friends from high school got to talking apparently and decided my girlfriend and I shouldn't be together anymore because I'm abusive and I'm cheating on my girlfriend with sis-mom. They decided all this and told my girlfriend's BEST friend. Well this BEST friend then drove 30 minutes to my girlfriend's house to talk at her about how we shouldn't be together because I'm abusive and cheating on her. Every time the BEST friend comes over my girlfriend ends up bawling her eyes out.

The next part is what really makes me angry. My girlfriend's mom is friends with BEST friend's mom, not great friends but more of like a group of friends. Anyway BEST friend's mom asked my girlfriend's mom if she'd like to have dinner. Over dinner BEST friend's mom was telling my girlfriend's mom what BEST friend said happened on the birthday party (she wasn't there when said occurrence happened) BEST friend's mom then told my girlfriend's mom that I was beating my girlfriend and I show no respect towards her, BEST friend's mom then went on to explain how we shouldn't be together because I'm also cheating on my girlfriend with sis-mom and how this behavior shouldn't be tolerated. The next day my girlfriend had lunch with her mom and her mom basically cried the whole time telling my girlfriend what she was told. She told my girlfriend that she's never suspected me of anything like that because I don't seem like that kind of guy and both my girlfriend's parents actually love me.

My girlfriend is the type of person who gets walked all over and taken advantage of always. She's been this way forever. When I met her I saw this was happening. I try very hard to not let anyone take advantage of her because it actually hurts me inside when I see it happening. She is also the type of person who will agree with something she doesn't believe in just to prevent an argument. FYI

I don't know what to do.

*** notes:
I've never hit anyone in my entire life,
Even though all my girlfriend's old friends hate me all of her friends from college adore me.
My girlfriend's parents love me.
My girlfriend lives with a social worker who specializes in domestic abuse, I also know her very well.
My girlfriend knows the relationship I have with her sis-mom.
I've been dating my girlfriend for nearly 2 years.
I love her more than anything.

The trouble I find with these situations is, its kind of a who did what first deal.

You have become great friends with her best friend and spending individual or private time together. I myself wouldn't get that close to a girlfriends best friend, for my beliefs its not appropriate, however for yours it is.

Flip the situation round, your girlfriend is getting very close to your best male friend. She is going on runs with him, spending time alone together. She has her arm round him, people are talking.

Its easy for you to say you'd be fine with it because you're doing the same with her best friend, however were you not, would it be OK if she did it.

You said she gets walked all over from all angles. Depending upon how you look at it, one could argue you're abusing your relationship with her too.

Again, my morals aren't going to be the same as yours so take this with a grain of salt. Just try to understand the message.

Its easy to take advantage of weaker people, sometimes you do it without realising.

Give somebody an inch and they'll take a mile.

Quit hang out with false friends and getting drunk with drama queens who stir up crap. (includes you with the jacket thing)

You both would benefit from better friends who minded their own business.

I understand we would benefit from friends who would mind their own business... the thing is she has been friends with these friends from high school for a very long time and has been walked all over from the very beginning. Her BEST friend has always walked all over her, but they used to be great friends... be silly together and just have a good time.. that no longer happens though. All the best friend does now s make her miserable. I realize she kind of needs new friends, which she has in her college friends. She just needs to let the old ones go,

That's up to her, not you. I understand where your coming from and eventually we do grow beyond friends of youth, and no doubt when she is ready she will do so, but she ain't ready for that.

Is it wrong that I'm pissed that my girlfriend and her BEST friend are now cool after a whole 3 days and nothing was even fixed? I mean the BEST friend was the one who made my girlfriend cry for a week straight and also made my girlfriend's mom cry.

It doesn't seem too difficault to see why I'm angry does it?

so... what do you want to happen here? What is the real problem, and what does "better" look like?

the girlfriend mostly trusts you and knows your relationships... the parents seem to like you. If you have an open relationship with the mother, why not talk to her about it? You coming to her and saying "ive heard there were some things said about me that just arent true and i want you to know you can come right to me if you have concerns... i dont completely understand why there is so much drama with the friends and why it seems important to attack my reputation, but im not going to cause more drama in your daughter life by acting on it"...

of course, the coat thing was really stupid, and don't use "we were drinking" as an excuse... it isn't an excuse for what you did... if I saw you do that to my daughter and her property, you'd be the one tossed aside in the snow, not the coat... abuse is not just defined by the person who is accused. Don't get me wrong, I think it was just a dumb moment and not a pattern of abuse, but people go to jail for dumb moments. Don't do that again.

... and if you have to keep qualifying events with "we'd been drinking"... maybe you shouldn't be drinking for a time, or at least you shouldn't drink when you know you'll be around the drama queens in her life. Easy to lose control and lose perspective...

k. not trying to be a hardarse here...

so... you can't "fix" your girlfriend... she's going to need to find a way to stand up for herself or this will happen her whole life. You get the respect you demand, and sometimes not even that... shell need to grow out of the "easier to agree" phase for her own sake.

honestly... chances are at some point the HS drama and noise will fade. Keep doing right by her and her college friends will see this, her mother will see this, and just try to distance yourself about the noisy HS group.

I have a relative in the family by marriage who is just a walking mess of turmoil and destruction. I swear, she lives to cause misery... and I really don't say that lightly about anyone. It's a terrible thing to say, unless its true.

and the way I conduct myself around this person is I repeat the mantra "it must suck to live life like that" over and over and over... I've just stopped worrying about what she says and does. I keep my business clean, live a life I respect.

in the end... you shouldn't even be worrying so much about what your girlfriend thinks. You need to carry yourself with respect and do right by others... and if other people live to tear you down... that doesn't devalue you one bit. Must suck to live their life.

I understand your anger, I can even sympathize a bit. But knowing you can't change a person, you either accept them, or leave them alone. Sure you have feelings for her, but get real for a minute, is all this drama worth it, for a person that won't change?

You both are young, and have a lot of growing and learning to do, but if its together is rather debatable.

Wow.. This whole situation is confusing.

I think the best advised for you and your girlfriend is to tell this group of girls to keep their noses out of your business.

I think you're making yourself too vulnerable to have fingers pointed at you. Maybe cool your friendship with sis-mom for awhile and get back to the basics.

Its great that you want to be apart of your girlfriends circle of friends, but from the sounds of it, being friends with her friends is getting you into trouble. If I were you, I'd back off and let your girlfriend weed out the good friends on her own.


in the end... you shouldnt even be worrying so much about what your gf thinks. you need to carry yourself with respect and do right by others... and if other people live to tear you down... that doesnt devalue you one bit. must suck to live their life.

... I totally love this statement... Pretty powerful and truthful!:D

All of this is great advice. I'm starting to wonder now if this is all really worth it? I mean only time will tell if she'll actually be able to change. She's always been the one walked on and even now I believe she is writing an apology to all of her friends... if that is the case I will be furious. However, I don't want to lose her, I love her, I love her family and friends at college. It does seem like she's been playing this like balancing game with her 3 groups of friends (High school, college and Best friend) and me. Now that I think about it and our past together it seems like she has ran to whatever group of people were mad at her at that point in time. After the two letters were written to her it seemed like she had to run to that group and patch everything up, I tried to hold her back the second time with no luck. Then the BEST friend felt left out so she had to go baby her. This might be the inherent "mother" in her that makes her do this, if that was the case it would be stupid to leave because that's one of the reasons I fell in love with her was her future mothering abilities. Please don't question that lol. But I could worry that she would leave my child to go attend to needy y friends. I don't know I'm rambling now

My friend, your learning that you can't change people from who they are, and likely she may never change basically. Its up to you to decide whether its worth it, or not, and how you deal with her if she is.

Most only look at the good parts of a person, the parts they like, but a true soul mate has to be accepted, not changed, for the parts you DON'T like. And that's over time, not just last month, or this month, or next year, but when the kids are grown, and gone, and they bring the grand kids over for a visit.

Its not about the events we string together, it's the lifetime you have spent, dealing with whatever life throws at you.

Hard work (very), and a lot of frustration, and disappointment, anger, or fear, bad health, even deaths. That's what a soul mate goes through with you.

If your still happy after all of that, I would say you have found your soul mate.

If not, keep living.

End of soap box!!!

I can't argue with that lol

Well as I agree with everyone who has commented on this story of mine, I would just like to give you guys an update. This is seeming to cause problems in our relationship, And it's mostly because I refuse to put myself into a situation where I'm surrounded by people that hate me. Personally I don't feel like that's a " move" on my part. But you guys may have some better advice for me.

Once again the best friend and her mom hate me more than anything you could think of and I refuse to put myself in any situation around them, also all of the friends from high school are not too fond of me so I use my same policy.

I don't see a problem here, just have your own friends, and leave hers alone. When she gets tired of there crap she will make new ones.

Some take longer than others to move beyond their high school days, and it would help if you let her see this for herself, without comment, or anger. I don't think you should be protecting her just because THEY don't like YOU. Nor make a big deal of it, when you can respectfully decline to be around them.

Quite honestly that was the answer I was looking for, whether it turns out to be the truth or not time will only tell. I guess I can sit back and watch in peace to see how it unfolds.

Thanks for putting up with my stupid questions on this issue. I appreciate it